Don't great me "Happy Father's Day!"

For I am not happy,
I failed as a father,
and this is not my day.

So it has finally come to this
From strangers to lovers
To strangers again.
No verse can save me now
No vision can direct
No direction can guide
And no guidance can prohibit
the spill... The spill

My ducts are dry from
Its poisonous dew
Which became my companion
In the last few days.

My room is darker
than usual...
Loving and being loved
Was once its light.

My heart beats still
But I can sense a disconnect
From your heart, whereas
Once we were in sync.

It has finally come
Oh death
Carve your inscription
Tear my flesh
In the slowest, most agonizing way

For what is life
But a series of regrets
And a bowl filled
With my shattered soul
And I am too tired to rebuild it

I wanted to be
your hero

But you didn't need saving
well,
not from me.

You needed
to play around with your darkness

So darkness became
your savior.

I realize

that I don't want to memorize
someone else's favorite color

I'm done with remembering her name
or her favorite artist...

I can no longer take
remembering her quirks

Or her slight wrinkle
around her eyes every time she smiles

to whisper her name
beneath my breath as I sleep

to listen to her heart beat
and pace my breathing to hers

to walk the same path with her
while I burn each step in my mind

this I realize

I entered the house
Coming from school
I am the eldest of four
A child, inexperienced, a fool.

I turned to see
my parents in glee
We've grown as teenagers
Young and bold were we...

Then I saw the sun
As years fly by
My son in my arms
Hushing his cry

Now the noon fades
As minutes become years
As my home becomes a wreck
Flooded with tears

I searched and had found
The embrace from another
But she too has left
Crushing me under.

Oh home that I dream
Oh home that I hope
Is one I cannot reach
And a future I cannot cope.

What once was hallowed
has turned to dark
what once has purpose
is now an empty bark
like a dead wood tree
like a wheel that's stuck
is a hollowed soul I am
with all the yuck and the muck

I hate this
  this I hate
   hate this, I
    and no matter how
     I try to lie
      hate is how I
        cut all my ties
          I hate it when
            I turn to side
              and see my wounds
                to never dry
                  cause no matter how
                     hard I try
                       this I hate
                          I hate this, I.

I shared with them
My fears
And they used them against me

They spat
on my face
Because I'm different

They don't see
That I am losing this
War that has been waging
In my soul for years...

So I
Now I
Will be alone.

Like a dying beast
Forever burdened
After its use
Has been abused

Like a worn-out tool
Remembering
Its usefulness to the world

So I
Now I
Will tread this alone.

Vanity! Vanity!
All things in vain!
The seas, the mountains,
my life in chains!
The flowers, the dewdrops,
the mighty hordes too
have all lost their glamour
the day I lost you.

Vanity! Vanity!
shouted through eternity
raging billows of fire
spouted from the mouth of mine enemies!
No records abound
nor secrets untold
in the chambers of mine heart
where art thou, oh Cold?

My roots are uprooted
and my soul is a ravine
my compass is shattered
like my soul uncleaned!
Lest tomorrow brings hope
I fear I'm losing track
From my innermost being I cry
"Mom, Dad, PLEASE COMEBACK!"

I am not a hero
for I am not good
I too am not evil
just merely misunderstood

I am not darkness
though I dwell in thee
nor am I its shadow,
merely its enmity

I am also not Light
for I cannot bear its burn
can't you see my scars
hidden behind my churn?

I am no longer my yesteryears
I am no longer my today
I am no longer my tomorrow
that, too, has faded away

I am in the crevice
trapped in the shadows
a pointless voyager
an archer without arrows

I wish not for glorious riches
I seek not for fame and pride
I dream of a home to look unto
a place where I can be alive

I whisper not prayers of uncanny health
nor wish for eternal wisdom's guide
I dream of whispering "I love you"
to my woman, to my child

And yes, I dream of doors wide open
to my return from a laborious day
and sit to find some bread and porridge
to warm the coldness of my summer's day

So that I may lay round a crowd of few
and close my eyes so weary and sappy
and to barely utter my last words
this, is what will make me happy.

I liked somebody today
And she seemed too good
For a weary old soul like me
I must've said something wrong
For an instant I felt
Her distance though we were
arms length apart.

Then I felt sad.
So sad.

I know it's a long shot
But I was hoping it to linger
So that perhaps I could be reminded
What it feels to love.

Oh love, what have you done?

In between the sheets we passed time
with whispers of passion and divine
with hushed dreams and wishful thoughts
while we count our loss and count the cost

On this sinful night as we lay awake
we'll try to hide all the noises we make
for time is yet to be on our side
and the heat of the moment will never subside

In between these sheets we lay bare
the universe does seem to care
In the still of the night, a thought pushed through
I fear losing someone... like you.

It was supposed to be a glance
out of curiosity
of whether how strong I think I have become
and how much distance I have progressed
away
from
you

But I should never have looked back
  for my days of preparations
  my cunning deceptions
  and my untold lies that I have forgotten you
  have all fallen short
the moment
I  
saw
you

As the memories came
rushing like the wind
and the what ifs
stalk my shoulders,
prancing like a gazelle,
enticing me to try
to
win
you
back

And yes,
I should never have looked back.

I don't care anymore
Since this is the only language
My heart can truly speak
Since it seems like caring for you
Or caring for us
Only chockes your precious freedom.

You want me to change
Yet when I plea for you to do the same
You make me feel worse.

So I don't care if we crash
I don't care if you cheat
I don't care if you hurt

I will simply don't care.

It just makes sense
to realize this one true fact
that an unlovable me exists
to stump everything in me that's intact.

It just makes sense
that I am too broken to be whole
too ruined to be loved
too vicious to be cruel.

It just makes MORE sense
to understand being alone
for no one would accept and embrace
my once beautiful soul.

It just makes sense
to be rejected once more
to be thrown like chaff
to be melted to my core.

It just makes sense
To say goodbye than hello
to walk slowly and briefly
to dwindle a lil bit more.

I could probably write
a thousand more reasons for my plea
Cause it just makes sense
for me to stay UNHAPPY

When we no longer are bound
by our restless worlds
and when these foes surround
have turned their tempers cold
When my nightmares have turned
into dreams come true
After our hearts have been burned
from the sunset's dew
For there our souls will see
the eternal place of no sorrow...
so until our hearts run free
I will just love you tomorrow

I wonder what she's doing tonight?
I know, this feeling ain't right
The memories we shared keep haunting
those promises of love everlasting

Each night I cry to God for relief
to ease the pain of this unsung grief
I can find no  rest, I have no cure
for our love may not be perfect, but it was pure.

I'm sorry, I can't let you go
I pretended to be strong, but it's all a show
so as long as I can wish upon a star so bright
I'll keep wondering... what you're doing tonight.

I would like to die
Not tonight, or tomorrow,
But now!

There. That's my poetry today.

I would like to order peace
But since it's unavailable
Perhaps a piece of poisoned dagger
To cut through my heart
Will suffice.

I would love to have joy
But since it's too expensive
Perhaps an overdose of pain
To battle my existing pain
Will siffice.

I am craving for love
But since she IS the source
Of my current distress
Perhaps loneliness will suffice
This HOPELESS, drenched, cursed being.

So I would love death
To be my therapy
In this harsh unforgiving world.

To just perish. Oh hopeless, poor, soul.
Just perish.

I have made so many poems
... of joyful, youthful glow
and carved them in my memory
... a capsule of years ago.

I have dealt with so many dreams
... I've dealt with so many fire
to purify this anguished life
... consuming my wildest desire.

Perhaps one day I'll make a dream
perhaps... with you this time around
Perhaps I'll stop making poems
for YOUR poetry will now abound

I hope someday, you'll find it too
that peace your turmoil's been searching
for in the space of our lavished arms
Is where you, Kristine, will be staying.

I wanted to write
  poems for you

but it seems
  that I gloom in the shadows now

expecting the apocalypse
we will soon be in

Or the tears
that will flood my pillow

it seems
  that my last straw of hope
  was lost
  the last time I fell
  in love.

I am a well of overflowing emotions
     tap me once and I explode
Like a ne'er ending source
     like magma, ever ready to flow

Let me touch
  even in the slightest way
     your shadow
        as it moves away

Let me reminisce
  every promise, broken
    every teardrop
       every faint word, spoken

Last night
was painfully beautiful
your lips
were as tender, as fragile
as your heart

I have seen
your darkness
a glimpse of your sorrow
yet you still draw me in
deeper into you abyss

Last night
was painfully beautiful
one feeling that I
long to linger
in my frailty.

You said you would listen.
Here I am, speaking.

Love is a monster

It cries from deep within
Its gates are sturdy
Yet her eyes managed
To pierce through me

She bellows and shrieks
Longing to be free
Not knowing that her prison
Was made by fools like me

So I let her go
Trembling was I, shaking in fear
For this monster I created
Wouldn't lend me an ear.

Darkness is now sitting
In the place where love left
Now I'm closing this door shut
Along with the memories I've felt.

I am never grateful
For this monster love of mine
How can someone be grateful
To the painful memories left behind?

Me: You know what hurts?
Myself: What?
I: "Everything"

It makes sense now

Walking along the streets with you
the smell of the air
its cold temperature
your weird smile
whilst I hold the umbrella
which you left in my apartment until now.

The sensation of having you
or our dimmed silhouette
or the whispers you uttered.

It makes sense now...

I had built a palace of memories with you.
and its walls and chambers were filled,
with echoes of your voice.

It makes sense now...

Why it's taking me far too long
to forget you,
for destroying such palace is akin
to tearing down myself.

It makes sense now.

I don't need moments of excitement
no seasons of joy
I don't need sparks that heightens
or splashes of coy

I need regular, unyielding,
steadfast, and true
I need the monotony of embracing
someone like you

Science proves that time-traveling is possible
and how quantum physics have shown
that moving through time into the future
is easier and more plausible
than going back

Perhaps it really means:

That we were not supposed
to revert back
to our what ifs
and the would've been's

Like the time when
the world was our oyster
in the presence
of our once perfect world

Perhaps it means:

That our tears had flowed
fulfilling its purpose
Or our knees have been bruised
for an apparent reason

And our mistakes and disasters
have cultivated
the new life we live
at the moment

Perhaps the dagger
struck within our soul
was indeed inscribed
with our blueprint for pain

Perhaps our weakened state
is where our blessings
vehemently lies

Perhaps,
we were never meant
                     to look back.

It was an open interpretation
When you picked up the phone
I knew you can hear me talking
But I still felt alone

I wanted to express my emotions
In the hopes of winning you back
But your walls were fortified and strong
Unlike my broken heart, yours didn't even crack.

And time went slowly
As I verbalized my all
With tears witheld and hands clenched
I bare my heart and soul

And it took me a while to realize
A moment left to cry
For all the whys and the what ifs I've shed
Silence was your only reply...

My darling, I almost died.

My annoying wavy hair
was the curse and my ridicule
when I was young.

"Curly hair is a plague!"
They ghast!
Lashing down my confidence.

How annoying was to comb it
wishing to have
the same straight hair as my peers

Until the day I lost most of it.

Now I miss my annoying hair
I miss people noticing it
I miss brushing it
I miss being annoyed by it...

the same way I miss the annoying You.
I miss our little quarrels
our mishaps
our hugs
our tears
I miss people talking bad about us
I miss the anger brought by our love
I miss the midnight talks
I miss the times we don't speak
  because we were afraid to make things worse
I miss our secret adventures
Our saddest mistakes
your annoying voice
your angry stare
and all your negativity

Like my annoying hair
I wished that I had done everything
to keep you
I wished that
I held on one last time.

I miss my annoying hair
the same way that I miss
my annoying life with you


It's annoying.

It is

Not the curvy lips
Or her shapely hips
Or her youthful, mesmerizing eyes
Not the pristine glow
On her cheeks and brow
Or her face that can span miles

It is

Her healing words
And comforting world
That makes a difference in my life
Her warmest embrace
A heart full of grace
Which pushes me through every strife

And we

Shall share every crumb
Every smile, every dawn
As we walk through our lane
To see the setting sun
Where it all began
As if it was the first time again

Is it far fetched
Or too blurry to sketch
To aspire this vision I've given?
Will it be too much
To acquire as such
My tiny piece of heaven?

I took my heart and brought it to her, she said she'll take care of it and welcomed my shattered pieces. She brought me joy every day. We walked the highways and the byways, holding each other in agreement that we will continue to trod this life together...

Then I looked at my side and she was no longer there...
I looked around and she was nowhere to be found...

I held her too tight,
Clinged too much,
And devoted too seriously...

Now,
My heart wanders
My soul searches,
My ears intently listens...

But she is gone.

Like my breath that she took with her,
Like my heartbeat that she dragged along with her,
Like my hopes that she both gave and shattered.

This is the deepest pain I've felt because for once in a very long time, I thought otherwise.

I understand all of these,
Her reasons,
Her past,
Her pain,
Her own troubled journey,
And the weight I had added to it...

I understand, but I can't accept.

I cannot accept the fact that when things go hard, people let go.

People let go.
Let go...

I never smile
Like the way I smile
Whenever my thoughts
Remember how you lied

Never getting used to this pain
I thought I had beaten it before
Yet here I am losing without fighting
loving and being ignored.

And I say it's Ok
because there will never be an "us"
and yes, perhaps IT IS "Ok"
But no, it will not end so fast.

For never will I ever
be used to this feeling
from afar I will subside
until I am lost in my cringing...

How I wish that I've never
  Ever been ever
    Mesmerized in a clever
       void of forever.

While the world is celebrating,
I will be flying back. Alone. Defeated. Crushed.

A new year indeed.

Happy? Not really.

I saw in her eyes, passion!
Her lips, strength!
She taught me to use words,
as both a tool and a weapon!

Her ways were like no other
Her spirit was fierce
She became our fortress
She was our anchor.

Now, she is ebbing away
as dementia eats
her memories, her all...

Now I see in her eyes,
sparkling shades of joy
found in the innocence of a child

The words she taught me
I now return to her
filled with compassion

I have never seen her dance
ever so freely,
I have never seen her smile
ever so constantly.

Dementia has tried to erase
her strength and wisdom
but has failed to realize
that she is eternal.

One day you shall see
how a man can hide his wounds
for the sake of seeing the smile
  of the woman he bores deep
     of the offspring he would hold incessantly

One day you will fight
years above your fragile self
for the sake of living for others
  with worn out tools and dusty sheath
    with old wounds and a butchered heart  

One day, my son, you will learn
to be strong beyond your words
for the sake of thy posterity
    for the vengeance of thy soul
     for the indignation of thy folly

Then, and only then, will you become a MAN

Once, the world was perfect
As the leaves sway in spring time
And the cold breeze of the midnight air
Spikes some chills through our minds.

Once, everything was alright
Like a dream we forsee our future bright
Like a lullably from our mother's womb
Nostalgia hits our every line of sight.

Once, we were complete
No missing pieces to be found
No shattered dreams, no regrets
No poignant teardrops abound.

Perhaps time has betrayed us
Or perhaps it's the other way around
For non could've forsaken us
Except when we buried ourselves to the ground.

And life became unfair
After we stubbornly declared
Our innermost wars found in solace
To which we lost, to which we were impaled

But I dream of loving you
No matter what you've become
Oh life, when we see through visions' faith
We can see our world is perfectly gone.

I will sing of my compassion
On a stage that I once owned
Where the spotlight once shone
Where our love was dethroned
And if you forget
if you dreadfully neglect
How your heart was once
In the comfort of my arms
At least through my song
Though it would take long
Look back at my eyes and see
That once, you loved me.

Sleep well tonight
dream big, fearless dreams
For tomorrow will shine bright
filled with your hopeful gleams

Be comforted with care
We, your loved ones will give
never holding back, never in despair
a life in full, you shall truly live

For in every waking moment you will see
In spite of every rainbow, or every storm
A covering of love setting you free
guiding you in every form

So I say "Hush little ones...
as we lull you to sleep
for together we've finally won
and this triumph we shall silently keep"

In the midst of a silenced room
we embraced in the midnight gloom
where promises were covered
through a thick cloud of whispers

As your hands gently caressed
through my cheeks, lips, and hair
leading me to draw you closer
to my seated body so bare

"I will give love one more try"
I whispered in pain
"But if I fail again, I don't know what will happen to me."

Then you said:

"Stay with me, we will heal together."

...
...
...
...


For in the midst of a silenced room
we embraced in the midnight gloom
where our promises were renewed
in the hopes that love will bloom.

One cannot teach
a viper to sing
a leopard to fly
and a fish to close its eyes

One cannot teach
a person to cry
to have wings like a dove
or a heart to love

Sa pagbuka ng liwayway
Kasabay ng sikat ng araw
Na dumadampi sa aking
Mga panaginip na ligaw

Minsan, sa aking pagbangon
Kasabay ng pagbawi ng unos
At paglubog ng ngiti
Ay mga luhang kusang umaagos

Minsan, sa kabila ng aking
Pagtingin at pagtalikod
Ay nawawasak ang aking
Mga matatatag na bakod

Paminsan minsan,
Naalala kita... tayo,
Naalala ko ang bawat lambing
Ng mga binitawang pangako

Minsan, bumubukas ang mga sugat
Minsan, lumalala ang bigat
Minsan, bunabalik ang nakaraan
Minsan, bumabaliko ang daan

Paminsan minsan, nakikita kita
Sa bawat sulok ng aking ala ala.

Being good

Is not enough.

This was your favorite adjective
Your favorite line.
"This is perfect!" You exclaimed,
While your eyes shined.
It was perfectly subtle when we met
In a perfect evening of sorts
And yes, it was perfect too...
Though it was perfectly short.

I was looking at some photographs
When I suddenly find
Memories of you and I...
When time was once kind
When you were still mine.

I remember your perfect face,
Your perfect eyes,
Your perfect embrace
Your perfect smile.

You were perfect.

We were perfect.

What we had was perfect.

Until you left me with lies.
Then I died.

I see darkness creeping
under my veins tonight
behold, my light has fallen
and gone from my sight

As emptiness engulfs
my worn, weary eyes
I loathe this feeling of pain
every single time I cry

It seems like
I have perfected
the destruction of myself.

Perhaps love is not for me
Maybe a vagabond
Is what I ought to be
Forever hoping
Always seeking
But never finding
Whom I was meant to be.

Yea, perhaps love is not for me.

My woes tonight are unspoken
with wars and storms that rage
within mine self

unexplained they are
untamed...untrimmed

I need you to tame them
to hold mine hand
and gaze me with thine eyes
that shoot like the stars

It is unfair for you to do this, I know

For you need sheltering too
from your woes, my dear

So mine lips will be silent
as we hold onto each other

For this is what I need
and you would suffice.