I only have 5 minutes
To spare this poetry
Here it goes:

5.
I do not wish to be seen
Said the old man in me
So leave me alone
Cause I don't want to be

4.
For I've been running away
This is what I hate
And I envy everyone else
Who are not in the same fate.

3.
What have I become?
Where will I go?
The questions are left unanswered
And I've searched high and low.

2.
To be strong once more
In my world full of doubt
To be strong while I lose
In my latest bout.

1.
I wish I had more time
Just like before
I only have 5 minutes
And I wish I had more.

Self therapy. Sharing what goes into the mind of a depressed person. It took me a great deal of courage to share this.

Time: 7:12 pm. Dec 12.


At the end of the day, Chris, you're still alone.

And it's unfair to think otherwise. It's unfair to rely on another for comfort for they too are fighting battles. So embrace your cold state, learn to be numb. Shout if you must to silence the void and its deafening silence. For what is missing can only be replaced by that of which is the same, but you are not ready for that, your antidote to this poison is still on its way, so do your best to hold on for one more day.

Sleep. Try. Fail. Learn. Repeat. The wounds are opened. The wells are deep. The doors, shut.

Breathe. Don't give up yet. Don't think too much. Sleep, sleep,sleep.

Fear. Uncertainty. Pain

    Constant, they are

I deleted over 700 pictures in my phone just now. And each one of them contains a thousand words...
I have to let you go.
I don't want to leave... but I know I can't stay.
My thumbs never felt so heavy and God knows that I wanted to click the cancel button... but I didn't.
For the last time.
Good bye

And at the end of it all
She said goodbye
And he found his missing piece...
Their lives move on
And tonight he knows
His world is at peace...

One down, a thousand more
The demons of his past
The hauntings they have brought
Will slowly come to naught...
  AT THE END OF IT ALL.

Once there was a holy man
Who built his life with God
and worshiped without holding back
who surrendered everything he got.

Once there was a brave man,
a young fighter of sorts
who fought valiantly, fearlessly,
a champion in the King's court

Another was a poet,
who dared to love and lost
who looked at every person's eyes
to see their light the most

But these persons have died
one after the other
first the holy man perished
then the poet and then the fighter

And every day since then,
I have visited their sepulcher
to reminisce the times we had
to never forget, to always remember

And I dream that one day
I will cross paths with one of them
the priest, the fighter, the poet
to exchange our emblems

Oh I have been
and will always be
a man fulfilled outside
yet really empty

We are both ticking bombs
Awaiting for its time
To shed the last minute together
And end this passionate rhyme
And the thing that hurts
Is that I know it will surely end
Yet here I am, clingling, holding
Pretending to be a friend
For a fool I was,
And a fool I am now
Giving genuine touches
Giving my soul somehow
For we are but ticking bombs
Ready to expire
Lost in this moment,
In the memory of our desires.

Knowing

Every morning I find myself whispering your name
Remembering thy subtle touch and joyous eyes
Even now I feel that things are  not the same
Now I need to know you behind your guise

God, your eyes
Slivering, tempting, unrefined
Luring my senses behind.
  
  God, your eyes.

All
  of my bad memories
  are gone

but why am I still not happy?

Allow me to be cheezy
For I have no one else to share
My inmost thoughts and feelings
No one to compare

Allow me to express
Just a little of it to you
I promise not to  overwhelm
I promise this to be true

Let me start off by saying
That I really adore
Everything and anything
About you... and more

The way you laugh
The way you smile
That sparkling twinkle in your eyes

The way you care
The way you move
And your most noblest of desires

Your strength of character
hidden
Underneath your blossomed cheeks
Your adoring kindness embedded
And forever thou will keep

And shall I add the things you make me do?
How you make me smile away
My darkest days of blue

And how you make me excited
To see a brand new way
For in it I can find
You greeting for the day

Those are just some
For my reasons are long
Allow me to be cheezy
Before this day is gone.

With thoughts of you tonight. :)

Everything withers and dies
every memory loses its lush
Every fire, once immense and vile
subsides and withers from a hush

All things are lost in a moment;
like a robber lurking in the night
ready to take every valued possession
to cause us confusion and fright

A new fear I now dread
a new phobia I've developed:
That is to reach the end of my being
without reaching the peak of my endeavors

Wilted pillows on a stormy night
I beseech my spirit to fight
I drown myself with locklaced songs
As I brace myself for being alone

write me a lullaby
and sing for me tonight
sing songs about your love
tell me how its going to be alright

woo me again
whisper softly into my ear
call me again
take away all my fears

you shall halt my doubts
with your reassuring words
you shall put thine peace
you could bind my cords

and wash me away
and cleanse me anew
with your sweet perfume

so tonight i pray
let the stars shine
let the cold air breeze
for i long to rest

so please

write me a lullaby
sing them to me
for tonight my God
i want to walk in love with You

Her: We could still be friends, Ok?

>> I wasnt searching for one. <<

i remember the first time when i first saw you
it was inside a church, when God spoke
"she will be your wife" unto my ears.

i remember the morning when we first said "i love you"
and held hands...
shaking as they were

when i saw you walking towards me
on our wedding day...
oh how i remember them well.

i remember last night
when we cuddled ourselves to sleep
whispering "i love you"
holding each other
-tightly, like there's no tomorrow
i will remember it well

and every time will i remember
our days past
and our days to come

i could never be happier, fulfilled and assured
with anyone else
i love you

How you have grown
in strength of character
and of virtue

A far cry to my agony
I see your joy

A far cry to my failures
I see your success

I missed you since
your mom and I
went on our lives apart
4 years ago.

I will guide you from afar
I will admire you from afar
I will support you from afar
I will love you from afar

You are my only offspring
so I too shall be your only father
the flesh of my flesh
the spirit of my spirit
and the passion of my heart

I wish I could give you
the sun and the moon

I wish I could give you
a worry free life

give you treasures to secure
your future with me.

I wish I had all the things you've dreamt about
all the characters that
your partner should possess

I wish that I could be someone
you'll be proud of

I may not have those things yet...
and I cannot promise to give you
   what I have no possession of.


But I do have these:
My pure love
My undivided attention
My faithfulness
My loyalty

These things I offer to you.
They don't seem that much...
but what I have, I give to you.

I love you Mahal,
in every little aspect that you have.
   Your tiny quirks, your nuances, your entire being.

I
Love
You

My love, I set you free
For I am bound in chains
Do not come and visit my chamber
For it will only cause you pain.

My freedom is never near
Behind these walls and masks
So for that I compel you to bid ear
And listen well to my final task.

I set you free, to find your happiness
Though our love has endured its time...
I bid you find someone else to love
For you can no longer be mine.

Plant a kiss to our child, for I can never will
And embrace him in my absence
Remind him to be humble and true
So that he will remember my presence.

I am neither rich or powerful
So I cannot give you gold that shines,
Perhaps I may promise you wealth that you deserve
In another place, in another time

My love I would've given everything
To feel your touch and the warmth of your embrace...
And I would always remember you
Your very nature, your very face.

But behind these curtain of iron I creep
And on this cold pavement I lie
A prisoner of fortune and mishaps
Bound until the very day I die.

So I set you free, I set you free
Now begone before I change my mind
I set you free, I set you free
Please don't leave anything behind.

The autumn reminds
Me of memories of you
Of days past
And my days of blue.
The autumn lingers
With dreams of fair
When distance was naught
And love was to share.
This autumn will come
And sooner it will be
Just trinklets of you
And shattered pieces of me.
And I really disdain
This autumn so near
All I really care for
Are words you will never hear

Bad memories stay the longest
sting the hardest
and weaken the most.

Bad memories *******
the heart and soul
inflict pain
leave scars unresolved.

Please understand
that I'll do what I can
to move away from you, and...
to forget you while I can

so please, understand

Behind closed doors
is where my therapy lies
under the sheets
behind the passage of time

echoes and billows
of my fragmented mind
as my headaches are intertwined
with these heartaches of mine

Sometimes, I look at you
Only to find your eyes
Looking at the moon
And dreaming of skies

Can I be the one you think about?
Unite our eyes and see
That someday I dream
Everything you need is in me.

Celebrate the day I was born
Celebrate the day I'll die
Celebrate the first time we met
Celebrate the first time we cried
For this is the fullness of life
Of things that are in store
Of memories forgotten
From a time long before
For I too shall cherish
Especially my memories of you
For through this we can consider
To live a life anew.

Sending bottles
emptied of filth
covered with tears
surrounded by rift

washed up onshore
in another land
picked and pruned
in another woman's hands

She opens and reads
the note I wrote for you
The girl I could've loved
and the hurt you never knew.

To be honest I hate my room too. It is too small. Too smelly. To girly for me.

The only reason why in the past few days I look forward to going back here... is because I imagine you in it.

I imagine our laughter
Over the slightest
Whim.
I imagine how
We brainstorm
On how to save the world.
And how I can huddle, or cuddle,
Or how I would have a chance
To personally say "Good night"
And "Good morning"

I imagine how nervous we would be
To step out
For others might see
Our little mishap.

Now that you're not here. I don't know what to do.
For this cold night
Is overbearing...
And these walls
Are boxing me up.

Don't touch
   my broken pieces

     For each subtle movement
               drives trauma
     back to my gentle soul.

And I like burning bridges
Regardless of their worth
For at the end of my dilemma
Is pleasures of sorts

So I shall burn this bridge I made
And not dwell in its mistakes
Its worth has not withstood
My ground as it shakes

There are a million things going astray
Oh life why has though bent?
And the waves do not seem to ebb away
always drowning or grasping for breath

And breath, oh source of all my pain
instead of healing instilled, you hurt me again
for in my shadows of gloom a visitor arrives
a friend and a foe, so vaguely disguised

My arms are weak from fighting back
and my sinews are tired of lifting
my knees are wounded from too much bending
and my eyes have welled from too much trying

Oh cast away my soul in peace
if in peace I shall find my old self
and let me wither like the lost prodigal one
and let me oust my last gasp, and forever be gone.

Oh chaos, my chaos, I am tired
you've taken my anchor for the last time tonight

So let me
chase every sunrise and sunset
with the hope that encompass
the darkness behind us

No more rhymes
the poet has left the stage
no more words
they wouldn't suffice anyway
No goodbyes
cause it meant the acknowledgement that we have once met
there are but tears
pain
a deep gaping wound
and a thousand memories that has to be erased
Things will never be the same,
yet one thing remains:
I am still afraid to be happy.

She said

That my aura smells
like a bar of soap
with a hint
of fresh cinnamon

What I didn't say
is that her hugs
felt like home.

Again I lie
On my bed alone
A makeshift rest
For my weary bones
Again I fought
And lost the game
A lonely splendor
Never to be the same
My roots have fallen
Too ill to stand
For I was once a victor
Now barely a man
I found myself speaking
Just a few minutes ago
To my stricken mother
To boost my ego
In her smile so innocent
She bestowed her touch
Though her Alzeihmer's has struck her
I felt her love as such

Cover me oh night
As I lay on my makeshift bed
Cover me with your breeze
Silence the voices in my head

This is me

After the battles that made me both strong and weak
after all the agony and the losing streak
Behind the cumber of memories, where I both lived and died
and the absence of emotions where I laughed and cried.

Oh the strength of my youth is fleeing so swiftly
and my being is exposing my every frailty
what I once feared to become is who I have turned to be
Oh, the lost which once was found was taken away from me...

But,
This is me

Though calloused and lost
Though pained and insecure
Though stabbed and wounded
Though forsaken by many

I still live, and for that I am secure
My bleak future is ahead, and with that comes hope
For I have seen in the past what really matters most,
for I believe that the things which can be lost
   are things which can be attained once more

So let the hopeless romantic rise
and the dreamer see visions once more
Let my feeble hands and scarred sinews
regain their strength toward the final blow

For my battles are over but my war shall not end
and though each blow becomes tougher-
so tougher too shall I become

I look at my hands, shaking, numb
I recall my dreams, like shadows moving
I feel my heartbeat, strong, yet afraid
and I take my deep breaths to feel my life

This is me.

Denial
  I did deny that your kisses were shorter
And when I reached out to hold your hand, you would...
Count a few seconds before reaching to your phone, to keep your hands busy.
Or that you would always find an excuse, to spend less intimate time with me.

Anger
  At the fact that I chose to stay with you, than to spend time with my family.
I willingly chose to accept your invitation.
Angry at the fact that I could not do amything beyond my time.

Bargain
  I tried talking and listening to your side.
You said you no longer want verbal and physical gestures of affection
You said that we have to hide our aftections, for others are quick to judge..
And you always introduced me as a friend.
I accepted your terms. Bargaining I did... To make us last a little bit longer.

I was just prolonging my agony. Thinking it was worth it.

Depression.
  Every night I cried
I have never experienced this much pain.
For seeing you so near to my grasp,
Yet holding you was never an option.

Acceptance.
  Give me more time.
Then maybe I will accept this fate,
Of losing the one I loved for reasons unknown, or perhaps, for no reason at all...

How i wish my day would end
But I cannot lull my eyes to bed
and my nerves' impulse tightens
while, at the same time,
my heart beats slower.
Oh, the physical manifestation of this pain
my ducts are dry
my masks are all wet
from drying my tears
my fist that once bore the tools
of record proportions
now pounds my chest
stabbing it,
to make me realize
that I'm still breathing.
My voice that once shouted victory
in my field of dreams
have nothing more
than whispers...
for it is tiring to shout
knowing that the one you want to listen
is turning the other direction...
When people, if people,
see me now
in my predicament
they will always say
"You're not who you were before"
it's true.
But I don't care.
I still want to be who I truly am
at this moment.

This is the longest week...
of what would be my longest month...
of my longest year.
Losing you is the easy part,
living everyday without you is the hardest.
How do I cover my ears
from the echo of your voice
coming from my heart?
How do I stray away
from your shadow
imprinted on every wall, every inch of my space?
How do I train my memory
to forget you
when I have forgotten myself in you?
I still whisper your name
and see you
every time I don't see you.
For the music stopped
my heart dropped
my eyes were swollen
my wounds were opened
and you didn't even say goodbye.

I wish I had a soundproof room
Where I can shout my woes
And cry my lungs out
Until the echoes of my heart
Can be heard no more

Where my past mistakes
And my present foolishness
Will be trapped between
The spaces and cracks of its acoustics

Where the remnants of
My fond memories dissolve
And escape will be
The reality I dwell in

And where my voices mixed
With my wailing agony
Becomes a symphony so beautiful
That burns my memory

Your bite marks
left on my skin
are like painful flowers
etched on my mind

Through every minute argument
Through every passing storm
Or in every waking moment
That you find yourself alone

In every instance where
You want to hold her close
But it’s not the distance that separates you
It’s the problems you proposed

In every promise made
And every promise broken
In every hope shattered
In every heavy burden…

Eventually you will grow
As both of you are hardwired
Eventually you will grow….
Eventually you will grow tired.

And that,
Is
The saddest part.

I open my eyes
and see the most beautiful expression
found in your subtle smile

Every morning
I smell your tender perfume
emanating from your skin
Driving me deeper within
being lost in the sensation
of this moment
   interlocking our lives

Every morning for the past month
I thank God for being alive
I thank God
for having you here in my arms
  every morning

I fear my fear is coming back
I run and hide away
but still am trapped
inside my shack

Of fog and smoke
of mud and myre
of skeletons unseen
of undying desire

Of musing turned scars
of vomits and vermin
of memories lost
and memories forgotten

My memory is such
full of anguish and pain
full of harm and regret
that's why I fear the rain

Uuwi nanaman ako sa luma kong tahanan
Titingin sa mga pader
At kakausapin ang mga sulok
Titingala, hihiling sa gabi at bituin
Na sana mapawi na ang kirot
Na nadarama ng puso

Masakit na ang mag isa

Masakit na ang walang mapaghingahan
At ang tanging tinig na maririnig
Ay ang alingawngaw ng isip

Pipilitin ko umidlip.
Pakiusap, hayaan mo akong umidlip
At manatiling ligaw
Sa panaginip kong ninakaw
Ng mga lumipas na araw
Dahil napagtanto ko na...

Masakit na ang mag isa.

Lemme flex my mom
My earliest memory is her holding me close, in a nipa hut somewhere in Cavite, I was probably 2 years old, the smell of pouring rain outside, the banging of the wind, and the song "Welcome to the family" playing inside our mildly lit house. I've never felt more secure than that night.
When I was 6, she gave me one of my strongest skills: English Fluency. She said that if I learn to master this language, people will think I'm smart, and that I could go to places because of this. She taught me how to think logically, how to be technical, and to always grab an opportunity while it's available. Her wisdom was beyond her years.
Then I remember pouring all my insecurities to her as a teenager, dad was working abroad and she was the source of both love and strength. She protected us, provided for us, shouldered everything on her own.
She moved abroad to find work. She and dad lived there until June of 2016.
Then when they came back, I saw her with signs of Alzheimer's, it was irreversible. I remember being broke that year, she (in spite of her sickness) walked up to me and handed me 20 pesos, she smiled and whispered "Anak, sa iyo yan, kain ka." it was as if her old self broke off from her sickness for the last time and for a few minutes I saw my mom again. A version of her youth, a version full of hope and kindness.
The last time I saw her was when I visited her last October. Before I left, she held my wrist, pulled me inside the kitchen, knowing that I was about to leave she said with a smile "Are you going to your work?" then I said " Yes ma, but I will some back."-- A promise I was not able to fulfill.

Now her ashes are no more, fragments of her memory will always linger...

So  let me flex my mom. A mother like no other. The strongest, most caring, most assertive, most empowering woman in my life.
You will always be in my heart.

Forget her, heart, forget her smile
Forget her face that went a thousand miles
Forget her touch that made you soar...
Forget her voice, and yes, much more...

Remind yourself not, of those moments of sincerity
those promises of living and leaving eternity
Cloud not your thoughts, and dream not of her
She will never come back, not now, not never.

Then rest, breathe, collect, restore
Each step you take, will be one step more
and though today and tonight is dark and bleak
remember thy strength, forget that thou est are weak.

Yes knives and knaves have filled thy space
so thou must re-fill it with the warmest of embrace
So remind thyself not, and by this I mean true...
Forget her... cause she has forgotten you.

I am too tired now
from the follies of my youth
I am too scared
of creating the same mistakes
I am too cautious
in finding who's worthy
and too weak
to try to d o it all again

sigh

But I need to breathe
and as my lungs are slowly sipping
the magnitude of this world
after exhausting
the dire muck of my memories

I think and proclaim to myself
no...it is but a whisper now...
I whisper: "One day at a time"
I close my eyes in surrender
to the infinite
and access my potential
knowing that  in the deepest recess of my soul
a spark is still there
awaiting my command
awaiting to be tapped
awaiting to be born

"But whisper softly"
I say.
"For it is not time for your to awake"

Always close the door, don't let anyone in.
There will only be
Me, myself, and I.
For others take,
Knowing that it's natural for me to give.
But when tables are turned...
The ones who received
Have closed their fists,
Smiles turn to grins
Praises to mockery
Blessings to curses
For their thirst to ask
Is a ne'er ending cycle
Until but a stump I shall remain.

So close the doors, shut mine windows.

This is my note to self.

I've prayed for you
a million times
before I laid
my eyes unto yours

I've dreamt of this
for a thousand summers
before your sunshine
shone deep unto my abyss

I only need
  One picture
     One photograph
        To last a lifetime