A friend asked why I dance? This was my reply:

I dance because...
It is the thump in my heart beat
It is the strength of my morning sun
It is the exhale of my inhale
The filter of my lungs
The connection to this world
My land of peace in my world of chaos
It is...
The quiet whisper of my soul
  Intently hidden behind my smile

Why do I dance?
Because with it I take off my mask
With it I become one with life and the living...

Beaten. Worn out. Shattered.
My wings will still fly for you.

Scorned. Ruined. Ridiculed.
My dreams will still live in you.

Weakened. Drained. Shriveled.
My strength will carry you.

Unrequited. Abused. Tired.
My love will endure.

So take rest.
Place your head on my chest.
I will keep you close both tonight...
And the rest of your life.

You don't have to be brave.
You don't have to be brave

Never getting used to this pain
I thought I had beaten it before
Yet here I am losing without fighting
loving and being ignored.

And I say it's Ok
because there will never be an "us"
and yes, perhaps IT IS "Ok"
But no, it will not end so fast.

For never will I ever
be used to this feeling
from afar I will subside
until I am lost in my cringing...

How I wish that I've never
  Ever been ever
    Mesmerized in a clever
       void of forever.

I don't need moments of excitement
no seasons of joy
I don't need sparks that heightens
or splashes of coy

I need regular, unyielding,
steadfast, and true
I need the monotony of embracing
someone like you

Writing is honesty cut open
It is the nakedness of a person
The depth of the time it was written
and the purity of crampled emotions

For without such,they would merely
Become words void...
And spaces null

One day you shall see
how a man can hide his wounds
for the sake of seeing the smile
  of the woman he bores deep
     of the offspring he would hold incessantly

One day you will fight
years above your fragile self
for the sake of living for others
  with worn out tools and dusty sheath
    with old wounds and a butchered heart  

One day, my son, you will learn
to be strong beyond your words
for the sake of thy posterity
    for the vengeance of thy soul
     for the indignation of thy folly

Then, and only then, will you become a MAN

Behind closed doors
is where my therapy lies
under the sheets
behind the passage of time

echoes and billows
of my fragmented mind
as my headaches are intertwined
with these heartaches of mine

Let me touch
  even in the slightest way
     your shadow
        as it moves away

Let me reminisce
  every promise, broken
    every teardrop
       every faint word, spoken

Everything withers and dies
every memory loses its lush
Every fire, once immense and vile
subsides and withers from a hush

All things are lost in a moment;
like a robber lurking in the night
ready to take every valued possession
to cause us confusion and fright

A new fear I now dread
a new phobia I've developed:
That is to reach the end of my being
without reaching the peak of my endeavors

So let me
chase every sunrise and sunset
with the hope that encompass
the darkness behind us

In the midst of a silenced room
we embraced in the midnight gloom
where promises were covered
through a thick cloud of whispers

As your hands gently caressed
through my cheeks, lips, and hair
leading me to draw you closer
to my seated body so bare

"I will give love one more try"
I whispered in pain
"But if I fail again, I don't know what will happen to me."

Then you said:

"Stay with me, we will heal together."

...
...
...
...


For in the midst of a silenced room
we embraced in the midnight gloom
where our promises were renewed
in the hopes that love will bloom.

It was an open interpretation
When you picked up the phone
I knew you can hear me talking
But I still felt alone

I wanted to express my emotions
In the hopes of winning you back
But your walls were fortified and strong
Unlike my broken heart, yours didn't even crack.

And time went slowly
As I verbalized my all
With tears witheld and hands clenched
I bare my heart and soul

And it took me a while to realize
A moment left to cry
For all the whys and the what ifs I've shed
Silence was your only reply...

My darling, I almost died.

In between the sheets we passed time
with whispers of passion and divine
with hushed dreams and wishful thoughts
while we count our loss and count the cost

On this sinful night as we lay awake
we'll try to hide all the noises we make
for time is yet to be on our side
and the heat of the moment will never subside

In between these sheets we lay bare
the universe does seem to care
In the still of the night, a thought pushed through
I fear losing someone... like you.

No more rhymes
the poet has left the stage
no more words
they wouldn't suffice anyway
No goodbyes
cause it meant the acknowledgement that we have once met
there are but tears
pain
a deep gaping wound
and a thousand memories that has to be erased
Things will never be the same,
yet one thing remains:
I am still afraid to be happy.

Skipping beats
Skipping beats
Skipping beats

I think I'm falling, again.

Skipping beats
Skipping beats
Skipping...

I want to bellow my heartaches
to the world while it sleeps
Even when no one is listening
even if by myself I weep

To bawl my woes for the nth time
while over the moon I howl
whispering cries and shouting vows,
incantations, and silent growls!

Tonight my pipes are unheard
while I cover myself to speak
my solace where art thy wingless noise
my poisoned brows are yours to keep.

Perhaps love is not for me
Maybe a vagabond
Is what I ought to be
Forever hoping
Always seeking
But never finding
Whom I was meant to be.

Yea, perhaps love is not for me.

Science proves that time-traveling is possible
and how quantum physics have shown
that moving through time into the future
is easier and more plausible
than going back

Perhaps it really means:

That we were not supposed
to revert back
to our what ifs
and the would've been's

Like the time when
the world was our oyster
in the presence
of our once perfect world

Perhaps it means:

That our tears had flowed
fulfilling its purpose
Or our knees have been bruised
for an apparent reason

And our mistakes and disasters
have cultivated
the new life we live
at the moment

Perhaps the dagger
struck within our soul
was indeed inscribed
with our blueprint for pain

Perhaps our weakened state
is where our blessings
vehemently lies

Perhaps,
we were never meant
                     to look back.

Self therapy. Sharing what goes into the mind of a depressed person. It took me a great deal of courage to share this.

Time: 7:12 pm. Dec 12.


At the end of the day, Chris, you're still alone.

And it's unfair to think otherwise. It's unfair to rely on another for comfort for they too are fighting battles. So embrace your cold state, learn to be numb. Shout if you must to silence the void and its deafening silence. For what is missing can only be replaced by that of which is the same, but you are not ready for that, your antidote to this poison is still on its way, so do your best to hold on for one more day.

Sleep. Try. Fail. Learn. Repeat. The wounds are opened. The wells are deep. The doors, shut.

Breathe. Don't give up yet. Don't think too much. Sleep, sleep,sleep.

I entered the house
Coming from school
I am the eldest of four
A child, inexperienced, a fool.

I turned to see
my parents in glee
We've grown as teenagers
Young and bold were we...

Then I saw the sun
As years fly by
My son in my arms
Hushing his cry

Now the noon fades
As minutes become years
As my home becomes a wreck
Flooded with tears

I searched and had found
The embrace from another
But she too has left
Crushing me under.

Oh home that I dream
Oh home that I hope
Is one I cannot reach
And a future I cannot cope.

Building walls
  to keep the predators out
brick by brick
  each layer sorted out

A fortress for my castle
  sturdy without a doubt
to withstand the awful shadows
  to contain the silence after every shout

Building these walls
  to keep the predators apart.
But how do I protect myself
from the enemies living inside my heart?

You say to yourself that you're ugly
Perhaps you've only gauged yourself
On the same level that this shallow world has set.

You don't see the glimmer of hope
You bring whenever you smile
You don't notice how
The room brightens a little bit upon your entrance
You don't notice the joy you've given
To my weary soul
And perhaps you don't understand the depth of your presence, the power of your words, and the overwhelming comfort of your embrace.

Perhaps I should remind you daily
That your genuine beauty is what I had searched for.

Perhaps I should remind you daily, that your prescious whispers have anchored my otherwise drifting abyss...

Beyond compare, your true beauty is.
I wish you could see that.

It just makes sense
to realize this one true fact
that an unlovable me exists
to stump everything in me that's intact.

It just makes sense
that I am too broken to be whole
too ruined to be loved
too vicious to be cruel.

It just makes MORE sense
to understand being alone
for no one would accept and embrace
my once beautiful soul.

It just makes sense
to be rejected once more
to be thrown like chaff
to be melted to my core.

It just makes sense
To say goodbye than hello
to walk slowly and briefly
to dwindle a lil bit more.

I could probably write
a thousand more reasons for my plea
Cause it just makes sense
for me to stay UNHAPPY

Your portion for my whole
a fair trade for sure
a portion of your time and affection
for my whole dedication.
a fair trade for sure.

Don't great me "Happy Father's Day!"

For I am not happy,
I failed as a father,
and this is not my day.

I am a well of overflowing emotions
     tap me once and I explode
Like a ne'er ending source
     like magma, ever ready to flow

My drunken head
On my lonely bed
I retire myself in fear
I retire dreaming you're here.

On my lonely bed
With my spinning head

Don't stare at me now
with those eyes that pierce my shallow soul
For with the same breath and length
you WILL also hurt my all

Never try to attempt to fill my hole
lest in your heartless, selfless mind
ploy to gut out my innermost self
leaving me nothing behind.

Ah! the pain in my past is catching
upon my saddened life rebuild
neither having nor losing you  
will suffice my void unfilled

Love is a monster

It cries from deep within
Its gates are sturdy
Yet her eyes managed
To pierce through me

She bellows and shrieks
Longing to be free
Not knowing that her prison
Was made by fools like me

So I let her go
Trembling was I, shaking in fear
For this monster I created
Wouldn't lend me an ear.

Darkness is now sitting
In the place where love left
Now I'm closing this door shut
Along with the memories I've felt.

I am never grateful
For this monster love of mine
How can someone be grateful
To the painful memories left behind?

I wonder what she's doing tonight?
I know, this feeling ain't right
The memories we shared keep haunting
those promises of love everlasting

Each night I cry to God for relief
to ease the pain of this unsung grief
I can find no  rest, I have no cure
for our love may not be perfect, but it was pure.

I'm sorry, I can't let you go
I pretended to be strong, but it's all a show
so as long as I can wish upon a star so bright
I'll keep wondering... what you're doing tonight.

I wanted to be
your hero

But you didn't need saving
well,
not from me.

You needed
to play around with your darkness

So darkness became
your savior.

It makes sense now

Walking along the streets with you
the smell of the air
its cold temperature
your weird smile
whilst I hold the umbrella
which you left in my apartment until now.

The sensation of having you
or our dimmed silhouette
or the whispers you uttered.

It makes sense now...

I had built a palace of memories with you.
and its walls and chambers were filled,
with echoes of your voice.

It makes sense now...

Why it's taking me far too long
to forget you,
for destroying such palace is akin
to tearing down myself.

It makes sense now.

I need to forget you
like how the day forgets the night
how the drought forgets the rain
and the blind forgets his sight

I need to lose you
like a villain losing his sanity
like nakedness losing its dignity
like amnesia losing its memory

I need to forget you
I need to lose you
for the last time...
I need you.

What once was hallowed
has turned to dark
what once has purpose
is now an empty bark
like a dead wood tree
like a wheel that's stuck
is a hollowed soul I am
with all the yuck and the muck

One cannot teach
a viper to sing
a leopard to fly
and a fish to close its eyes

One cannot teach
a person to cry
to have wings like a dove
or a heart to love

Vanity! Vanity!
All things in vain!
The seas, the mountains,
my life in chains!
The flowers, the dewdrops,
the mighty hordes too
have all lost their glamour
the day I lost you.

Vanity! Vanity!
shouted through eternity
raging billows of fire
spouted from the mouth of mine enemies!
No records abound
nor secrets untold
in the chambers of mine heart
where art thou, oh Cold?

My roots are uprooted
and my soul is a ravine
my compass is shattered
like my soul uncleaned!
Lest tomorrow brings hope
I fear I'm losing track
From my innermost being I cry
"Mom, Dad, PLEASE COMEBACK!"

Me: You know what hurts?
Myself: What?
I: "Everything"

Your bite marks
left on my skin
are like painful flowers
etched on my mind

I see darkness creeping
under my veins tonight
behold, my light has fallen
and gone from my sight

As emptiness engulfs
my worn, weary eyes
I loathe this feeling of pain
every single time I cry

It seems like
I have perfected
the destruction of myself.

Bad memories stay the longest
sting the hardest
and weaken the most.

Bad memories *******
the heart and soul
inflict pain
leave scars unresolved.

Let me speak about my loss
One last time
In this poetry which I dedicate
To Flor.

How I now dread the day I was born
For it is when you bid farewell
For my stenched heart, now awfully scorned
Is now creeping back to its broken shell.

I am weaker now than before we met
More scared to face each passing day
I admit I've said things that I regret
Now it seems like this hurt is the only way.

I wish not of forgiveness for the both of us
I wish not of happines too
I wish not of restoration of trust
But I wish that I haven't met you.

For this, had crumbled me beyond repair
One that I can no longer take
No more pieces to build, my house in despair
This void is too much for my mistake.

I'm not a nice guy because I have to be. I am a nice guy by choice.

Make no mistake
I have seen the darkness in my mind
I have searched for the monster within
I have allowed our souls to entwine
instead of trying to fight and win.

Make no mistake.
That my kindness is but a choice
My goodness is but an objection
My gentleness, my calm voice
are selected impulses, not a reaction.

She said

That my aura smells
like a bar of soap
with a hint
of fresh cinnamon

What I didn't say
is that her hugs
felt like home.

I am not a hero
for I am not good
I too am not evil
just merely misunderstood

I am not darkness
though I dwell in thee
nor am I its shadow,
merely its enmity

I am also not Light
for I cannot bear its burn
can't you see my scars
hidden behind my churn?

I am no longer my yesteryears
I am no longer my today
I am no longer my tomorrow
that, too, has faded away

I am in the crevice
trapped in the shadows
a pointless voyager
an archer without arrows

I hate this
  this I hate
   hate this, I
    and no matter how
     I try to lie
      hate is how I
        cut all my ties
          I hate it when
            I turn to side
              and see my wounds
                to never dry
                  cause no matter how
                     hard I try
                       this I hate
                          I hate this, I.

Last night
was painfully beautiful
your lips
were as tender, as fragile
as your heart

I have seen
your darkness
a glimpse of your sorrow
yet you still draw me in
deeper into you abyss

Last night
was painfully beautiful
one feeling that I
long to linger
in my frailty.

Will thou be there?
Oh Great Wind of the south...
to cover my leaves that bear
the fruits which my soil hath abound?

Will thou be there?
Oh Sun, the ever so bright...
to give me reason to shade
a passerby, a child.

Will my seed bear
the fruits of my tomorrow...
the fulfillment of my dreams...
the laughter of my sorrows...

Will thou abound?
When my poetry cease
to scatter my thoughts...
to scatter my will.

Will thou be there?
Oh Great, Mighty One?
Will thy great branches
cover my lonely arms...
When dawn breaks
through the passage of my tonight
will my heart still say
"I did what was right?"

circa 2015

I shared with them
My fears
And they used them against me

They spat
on my face
Because I'm different

They don't see
That I am losing this
War that has been waging
In my soul for years...

So I
Now I
Will be alone.

Like a dying beast
Forever burdened
After its use
Has been abused

Like a worn-out tool
Remembering
Its usefulness to the world

So I
Now I
Will tread this alone.

I took my heart and brought it to her, she said she'll take care of it and welcomed my shattered pieces. She brought me joy every day. We walked the highways and the byways, holding each other in agreement that we will continue to trod this life together...

Then I looked at my side and she was no longer there...
I looked around and she was nowhere to be found...

I held her too tight,
Clinged too much,
And devoted too seriously...

Now,
My heart wanders
My soul searches,
My ears intently listens...

But she is gone.

Like my breath that she took with her,
Like my heartbeat that she dragged along with her,
Like my hopes that she both gave and shattered.

This is the deepest pain I've felt because for once in a very long time, I thought otherwise.

I understand all of these,
Her reasons,
Her past,
Her pain,
Her own troubled journey,
And the weight I had added to it...

I understand, but I can't accept.

I cannot accept the fact that when things go hard, people let go.

People let go.
Let go...

I never smile
Like the way I smile
Whenever my thoughts
Remember how you lied