I only need
  One picture
     One photograph
        To last a lifetime

Breathe, Chris

Breathe.




This too
Shall pass

I hope next time, I will be happy
I hope next time that my destiny meets your light,
the darkness caused by the pain of the past will fade.

I hope we will not cry like this anymore.

I hope the hurt will completely change.

I hope my world will also be your world.

And I hope our every night will have no sorrow.

Because I want to prepare,
A heaven for my love,
so that when you come,
your joy will be complete.

I hope.

I hope that next time...
We will no longer shed a tear

How i wish my day would end
But I cannot lull my eyes to bed
and my nerves' impulse tightens
while, at the same time,
my heart beats slower.
Oh, the physical manifestation of this pain
my ducts are dry
my masks are all wet
from drying my tears
my fist that once bore the tools
of record proportions
now pounds my chest
stabbing it,
to make me realize
that I'm still breathing.
My voice that once shouted victory
in my field of dreams
have nothing more
than whispers...
for it is tiring to shout
knowing that the one you want to listen
is turning the other direction...
When people, if people,
see me now
in my predicament
they will always say
"You're not who you were before"
it's true.
But I don't care.
I still want to be who I truly am
at this moment.

Sometimes, I look at you
Only to find your eyes
Looking at the moon
And dreaming of skies

Can I be the one you think about?
Unite our eyes and see
That someday I dream
Everything you need is in me.

I want
to silently
break
down

Always close the door, don't let anyone in.
There will only be
Me, myself, and I.
For others take,
Knowing that it's natural for me to give.
But when tables are turned...
The ones who received
Have closed their fists,
Smiles turn to grins
Praises to mockery
Blessings to curses
For their thirst to ask
Is a ne'er ending cycle
Until but a stump I shall remain.

So close the doors, shut mine windows.

This is my note to self.

Once there was a holy man
Who built his life with God
and worshiped without holding back
who surrendered everything he got.

Once there was a brave man,
a young fighter of sorts
who fought valiantly, fearlessly,
a champion in the King's court

Another was a poet,
who dared to love and lost
who looked at every person's eyes
to see their light the most

But these persons have died
one after the other
first the holy man perished
then the poet and then the fighter

And every day since then,
I have visited their sepulcher
to reminisce the times we had
to never forget, to always remember

And I dream that one day
I will cross paths with one of them
the priest, the fighter, the poet
to exchange our emblems

Oh I have been
and will always be
a man fulfilled outside
yet really empty

Sleep well tonight
dream big, fearless dreams
For tomorrow will shine bright
filled with your hopeful gleams

Be comforted with care
We, your loved ones will give
never holding back, never in despair
a life in full, you shall truly live

For in every waking moment you will see
In spite of every rainbow, or every storm
A covering of love setting you free
guiding you in every form

So I say "Hush little ones...
as we lull you to sleep
for together we've finally won
and this triumph we shall silently keep"

How you have grown
in strength of character
and of virtue

A far cry to my agony
I see your joy

A far cry to my failures
I see your success

I missed you since
your mom and I
went on our lives apart
4 years ago.

I will guide you from afar
I will admire you from afar
I will support you from afar
I will love you from afar

You are my only offspring
so I too shall be your only father
the flesh of my flesh
the spirit of my spirit
and the passion of my heart

for quite some time now i have been wondering how great men would think, plan and excute things.
what i should've been focusing on is his character.
The battles he fights regularly
his emotional strenghts
his weaknesses.
for he faces them everyday, until the day that his physical body ceases to exists
yet he still remains.

what makes him strong?
though he knows that he is still weak?
though he knows that some of his decisions were fatal, to say the least...
what makes him strong enough to face tomorrow?
or to face his friends and smile?

what makes him push forward
when everything around him:
his friends, relatives, situation
is running the other way...
what makes him walk an extra step? though his kness could've given up
1000 meters ago?

what makes him tick?
is it his pure will
and guts
and instinct?
or maybe, just maybe
he has gotten used to this battle...
that his body is moving involuntarily, to do what is right in the eyes of God
so what makes him tick?

when he is down, and his heart is frail...
what makes him smile?
surely it isnt a fake one
though crying would have been the easier option...
and quitting could have been the easier way out.

how much passion does he have?
so that he could withstand the coldness of every grim
... of being alone in his decisions...
what intensifies him? is it the goal?

what makes a man?
so that he could be strong willed
enough to make sacrifes again
and again and again
that though the earth beneath him is shaking, he still stands firm

so what makes a man... to become a rightful inheritor
of this gift...
which is called "calling"?

i know, i will not age
and lose my eyesight
before i see...
truly see...
and understand
what makes a man.

And at the end of it all
She said goodbye
And he found his missing piece...
Their lives move on
And tonight he knows
His world is at peace...

One down, a thousand more
The demons of his past
The hauntings they have brought
Will slowly come to naught...
  AT THE END OF IT ALL.

Building walls
  to keep the predators out
brick by brick
  each layer sorted out

A fortress for my castle
  sturdy without a doubt
to withstand the awful shadows
  to contain the silence after every shout

Building these walls
  to keep the predators apart.
But how do I protect myself
from the enemies living inside my heart?

Lemme flex my mom
My earliest memory is her holding me close, in a nipa hut somewhere in Cavite, I was probably 2 years old, the smell of pouring rain outside, the banging of the wind, and the song "Welcome to the family" playing inside our mildly lit house. I've never felt more secure than that night.
When I was 6, she gave me one of my strongest skills: English Fluency. She said that if I learn to master this language, people will think I'm smart, and that I could go to places because of this. She taught me how to think logically, how to be technical, and to always grab an opportunity while it's available. Her wisdom was beyond her years.
Then I remember pouring all my insecurities to her as a teenager, dad was working abroad and she was the source of both love and strength. She protected us, provided for us, shouldered everything on her own.
She moved abroad to find work. She and dad lived there until June of 2016.
Then when they came back, I saw her with signs of Alzheimer's, it was irreversible. I remember being broke that year, she (in spite of her sickness) walked up to me and handed me 20 pesos, she smiled and whispered "Anak, sa iyo yan, kain ka." it was as if her old self broke off from her sickness for the last time and for a few minutes I saw my mom again. A version of her youth, a version full of hope and kindness.
The last time I saw her was when I visited her last October. Before I left, she held my wrist, pulled me inside the kitchen, knowing that I was about to leave she said with a smile "Are you going to your work?" then I said " Yes ma, but I will some back."-- A promise I was not able to fulfill.

Now her ashes are no more, fragments of her memory will always linger...

So  let me flex my mom. A mother like no other. The strongest, most caring, most assertive, most empowering woman in my life.
You will always be in my heart.

I am happy
Since you said yes
My days have been brighter
And my nights shorter...

Now I fear
Of spending them without you

I fear of looking at the sky
Knowing you belong to a different time zone.
Far from my arms to hold

I am afraid of losing you.  
Of me being lost.

And this ruins me everytime

Promise me you'll stay.

Sending bottles
emptied of filth
covered with tears
surrounded by rift

washed up onshore
in another land
picked and pruned
in another woman's hands

She opens and reads
the note I wrote for you
The girl I could've loved
and the hurt you never knew.

Your loss to me my dear
Has much worth
As a pound of salt

It could've been more valuable
Had we lived centuries ago
It could've burdened me
Had we added the weight
  Of time spent together
And it could've hurt me
Had I allowed you within my abyss.

But as it stands
You are just a pound of salt
In an ocean vast and wide.

To be honest I hate my room too. It is too small. Too smelly. To girly for me.

The only reason why in the past few days I look forward to going back here... is because I imagine you in it.

I imagine our laughter
Over the slightest
Whim.
I imagine how
We brainstorm
On how to save the world.
And how I can huddle, or cuddle,
Or how I would have a chance
To personally say "Good night"
And "Good morning"

I imagine how nervous we would be
To step out
For others might see
Our little mishap.

Now that you're not here. I don't know what to do.
For this cold night
Is overbearing...
And these walls
Are boxing me up.

Her: We could still be friends, Ok?

>> I wasnt searching for one. <<

Celebrate the day I was born
Celebrate the day I'll die
Celebrate the first time we met
Celebrate the first time we cried
For this is the fullness of life
Of things that are in store
Of memories forgotten
From a time long before
For I too shall cherish
Especially my memories of you
For through this we can consider
To live a life anew.

While the world is celebrating,
I will be flying back. Alone. Defeated. Crushed.

A new year indeed.

Happy? Not really.

And I like burning bridges
Regardless of their worth
For at the end of my dilemma
Is pleasures of sorts

So I shall burn this bridge I made
And not dwell in its mistakes
Its worth has not withstood
My ground as it shakes

It is

Not the curvy lips
Or her shapely hips
Or her youthful, mesmerizing eyes
Not the pristine glow
On her cheeks and brow
Or her face that can span miles

It is

Her healing words
And comforting world
That makes a difference in my life
Her warmest embrace
A heart full of grace
Which pushes me through every strife

And we

Shall share every crumb
Every smile, every dawn
As we walk through our lane
To see the setting sun
Where it all began
As if it was the first time again

Is it far fetched
Or too blurry to sketch
To aspire this vision I've given?
Will it be too much
To acquire as such
My tiny piece of heaven?

To my darling, I bid you fly
As high as the wind may take.
Where the arrows of thy dreams collide,
And thy goodness becomes not just better, but great.

And seize your every moment
To save this world,
For this is what thy heart desires
So save every morning, every dew drop, every tree,
Thy shall never grow faint nor tire.

But when thy heart feels it needs
A place to be found, or to be free...
Or when the day comes when thy have finished thy task...
Remember that thy heart belongs to me.

And on that day, thy shall find
Myself waiting through the passage of time
Remember this truth, remember this rhyme
Remember that I am yours, and that you are mine.

I am either zero or one hundred
Nothing in between.
I either put you on a pedestal
Or the dirt hole you belong
You can be a goddess in my eyes
Or a *****. I don't care.

I will sing of my compassion
On a stage that I once owned
Where the spotlight once shone
Where our love was dethroned
And if you forget
if you dreadfully neglect
How your heart was once
In the comfort of my arms
At least through my song
Though it would take long
Look back at my eyes and see
That once, you loved me.

Don't pity me my dear
Of my dreadful past
Or of my wounds that reveal
My emotions at last

When I glance at you
Every so now and then
And I see you smile back
Don't feel sorry for me again

Or when I try to express
My words of few
Don't pity me my dear
Don't feel sorry for you too

I know healing is what you need
Not another mistake
And I know the confusion it brings
And I know my rightful place

So all I ask is for you
To smile back like you do
You have nothing to fear
Pity me not, my dear.

I wish I had a soundproof room
Where I can shout my woes
And cry my lungs out
Until the echoes of my heart
Can be heard no more

Where my past mistakes
And my present foolishness
Will be trapped between
The spaces and cracks of its acoustics

Where the remnants of
My fond memories dissolve
And escape will be
The reality I dwell in

And where my voices mixed
With my wailing agony
Becomes a symphony so beautiful
That burns my memory

I deleted over 700 pictures in my phone just now. And each one of them contains a thousand words...
I have to let you go.
I don't want to leave... but I know I can't stay.
My thumbs never felt so heavy and God knows that I wanted to click the cancel button... but I didn't.
For the last time.
Good bye

My senses were alive
The smell of the air
The smell of your hair
Your skin touching mine
My cheeks resting upon yours

Time froze and I held
As tight as I could
As long as I could
I poured my breath
And summoned my every strength

To let you go.

They say...
That it is foolish to believe
That love would stay through the distance

They say...
It is but foolish to believe
That love would endure time.

It is also illogical
To latch onto someone
Knowing that the wall which divides you
Is both impenetrable, and obscure.

Maybe it is.
Maybe love is...
Illogical.

But everytime I remember
Your eyes looking at me,
I believe.
Everytime I remember your touch that pierces my skin,
I hope.
Everytime I close my eyes, I know that I have closed the distance between us.
And our farewells are long forgotten...

Because,
I.
Love.
You.

And it is illogical like they say.

I wish I could give you
the sun and the moon

I wish I could give you
a worry free life

give you treasures to secure
your future with me.

I wish I had all the things you've dreamt about
all the characters that
your partner should possess

I wish that I could be someone
you'll be proud of

I may not have those things yet...
and I cannot promise to give you
   what I have no possession of.


But I do have these:
My pure love
My undivided attention
My faithfulness
My loyalty

These things I offer to you.
They don't seem that much...
but what I have, I give to you.

I love you Mahal,
in every little aspect that you have.
   Your tiny quirks, your nuances, your entire being.

I
Love
You

Through every minute argument
Through every passing storm
Or in every waking moment
That you find yourself alone

In every instance where
You want to hold her close
But it’s not the distance that separates you
It’s the problems you proposed

In every promise made
And every promise broken
In every hope shattered
In every heavy burden…

Eventually you will grow
As both of you are hardwired
Eventually you will grow….
Eventually you will grow tired.

And that,
Is
The saddest part.

You said you would listen.
Here I am, speaking.

I liked somebody today
And she seemed too good
For a weary old soul like me
I must've said something wrong
For an instant I felt
Her distance though we were
arms length apart.

Then I felt sad.
So sad.

I know it's a long shot
But I was hoping it to linger
So that perhaps I could be reminded
What it feels to love.

Oh love, what have you done?

What's it like?

It is:
Bitter sweet,
Like sunrise when she's here, but like sunset at the same time, knowing it is but temporal.

It is:
A time bomb
Wrapped around your body
Yet you gladly embrace every ticking second, breathing it in, knowing it may be the last

It is:
The whisper of every shout
The cry of every smile
And the ending to every tale.

It is illogical.
It is love to the fullest whimsical degree.

I wanted to write
  poems for you

but it seems
  that I gloom in the shadows now

expecting the apocalypse
we will soon be in

Or the tears
that will flood my pillow

it seems
  that my last straw of hope
  was lost
  the last time I fell
  in love.

I am no longer emotional needy
And I don't need to be afraid
Of sleeping and waking up alone.

So why then do I still try
To go home tired
In the wee hours of the morning?

I see the sky
    as empty as the sky
is the feeling I experience
everytime we say "good night" ,"God bless" and "see you tomorrow"

So empty as the night sky

I see the wind
as cold as the wind
is the feeling I get
when you and I part ways
the feeling is there everytime I turn back
and see you move away.

Like the wind that's here for a moment

we see each other not as often as we used to,
not as long as we used to,
yet... somehow we get along.

But it seems that I can't be used with the feeling
of having you for a moment
missing you through the night
and longing for you every morning
yet... somehow we get along

I love you Vanessa... in any and every aspect of you.

Then...

I remember our love,
growing like flowers,
free, as the wind, sun and moon
played with it.
as plain as a flower
as fragrant as a flower
is the love that you gave
--thank you--
you could have given me a ****,
and it would still mean the world to me


with loving thoughts of you
Chris

Again I lie
On my bed alone
A makeshift rest
For my weary bones
Again I fought
And lost the game
A lonely splendor
Never to be the same
My roots have fallen
Too ill to stand
For I was once a victor
Now barely a man
I found myself speaking
Just a few minutes ago
To my stricken mother
To boost my ego
In her smile so innocent
She bestowed her touch
Though her Alzeihmer's has struck her
I felt her love as such

Cover me oh night
As I lay on my makeshift bed
Cover me with your breeze
Silence the voices in my head

There are a million things going astray
Oh life why has though bent?
And the waves do not seem to ebb away
always drowning or grasping for breath

And breath, oh source of all my pain
instead of healing instilled, you hurt me again
for in my shadows of gloom a visitor arrives
a friend and a foe, so vaguely disguised

My arms are weak from fighting back
and my sinews are tired of lifting
my knees are wounded from too much bending
and my eyes have welled from too much trying

Oh cast away my soul in peace
if in peace I shall find my old self
and let me wither like the lost prodigal one
and let me oust my last gasp, and forever be gone.

Oh chaos, my chaos, I am tired
you've taken my anchor for the last time tonight

Once, the world was perfect
As the leaves sway in spring time
And the cold breeze of the midnight air
Spikes some chills through our minds.

Once, everything was alright
Like a dream we forsee our future bright
Like a lullably from our mother's womb
Nostalgia hits our every line of sight.

Once, we were complete
No missing pieces to be found
No shattered dreams, no regrets
No poignant teardrops abound.

Perhaps time has betrayed us
Or perhaps it's the other way around
For non could've forsaken us
Except when we buried ourselves to the ground.

And life became unfair
After we stubbornly declared
Our innermost wars found in solace
To which we lost, to which we were impaled

But I dream of loving you
No matter what you've become
Oh life, when we see through visions' faith
We can see our world is perfectly gone.

She said that I should make
new friends while I spend
The next 24 hours away
from the noises inside my head

So tonight I will meet Mrs. Moon
As she smiles back at me
The Stars will say hi
Introducing their friend: Night sky

I will try to make amends
with my prosecutor: Past
And to try to visit my adversary: Fears
With its cohorts:
Unknown and Future

So that by tomorrow,
I can set an appointment
with my companion: Peace
and her brother: Courage

But little will she know
That I will also be thinking of her.. tonight.

I would like to die
Not tonight, or tomorrow,
But now!

There. That's my poetry today.

I would like to order peace
But since it's unavailable
Perhaps a piece of poisoned dagger
To cut through my heart
Will suffice.

I would love to have joy
But since it's too expensive
Perhaps an overdose of pain
To battle my existing pain
Will siffice.

I am craving for love
But since she IS the source
Of my current distress
Perhaps loneliness will suffice
This HOPELESS, drenched, cursed being.

So I would love death
To be my therapy
In this harsh unforgiving world.

To just perish. Oh hopeless, poor, soul.
Just perish.

I need a hiatus tonight
A place to rest my head
As a night of forecasted shadows
Looms my weary bed

A place of tranquility and peace
As I beseech my soul to bow
As I fervently wipe away
This poison from my brow

And there will I forget
These loud noises that accuse
My worhtless importance as a brother
Of a son who once was mused

For my enemy has stolen and destroyed me
Now it tries to **** my treacherous life
I beg thee to forgive me
I beg thee to end my strife.

Oh hiatus I need thee
Whilst I'm shutting down tonight

Please understand
that I'll do what I can
to move away from you, and...
to forget you while I can

so please, understand

Heart beats fast as I said hello
Another date with the unknown
What if she sees through me?
Will my darkness be shown?

Cupid's arrow has a poisoned tip
And he's taunting me to play his game
And heaven is silent and exasperated
As my lips try to mumble her name.

I honestly need a break
From my mind's weary eerie lie
Shoulders tensed, in this I confess
I'm afraid to lose again in this life

Don't touch
   my broken pieces

     For each subtle movement
               drives trauma
     back to my gentle soul.

I miss holding you close to my chest
I miss the warmth of your embrace
I miss the faint smile you wear on your lips,
  whenever I kiss you on your cheeks.

I miss the way we both
  take away our pain
  ease our burdens
  replenish our strength
  and take our breaths away
while interlocking our bodies to rest.

All
  of my bad memories
  are gone

but why am I still not happy?