I shared with them
My fears
And they used them against me

They spat
on my face
Because I'm different

They don't see
That I am losing this
War that has been waging
In my soul for years...

So I
Now I
Will be alone.

Like a dying beast
Forever burdened
After its use
Has been abused

Like a worn-out tool
Remembering
Its usefulness to the world

So I
Now I
Will tread this alone.

Please understand
that I'll do what I can
to move away from you, and...
to forget you while I can

so please, understand

God, your eyes
Slivering, tempting, unrefined
Luring my senses behind.
  
  God, your eyes.

I've prayed for you
a million times
before I laid
my eyes unto yours

I've dreamt of this
for a thousand summers
before your sunshine
shone deep unto my abyss

Thank you for saving this poor old soul
tired and trembling on my knees
dazed and puked from spinning around
trapped in a cycle was me

In an untimely manner in this unlikely world
you came and brought life and glee
now we spend each day with promises held
there's now hope in thine eyes I see

Thank you for saving this poor old soul
thank you for saving me

The soup was cold
The veggies were bland
The meat, mediocre
The dessert was placed
    in a paper cup.


But my heart is full
Because I am spending this special day with you.

I love you

I realize

that I don't want to memorize
someone else's favorite color

I'm done with remembering her name
or her favorite artist...

I can no longer take
remembering her quirks

Or her slight wrinkle
around her eyes every time she smiles

to whisper her name
beneath my breath as I sleep

to listen to her heart beat
and pace my breathing to hers

to walk the same path with her
while I burn each step in my mind

this I realize

Building walls
  to keep the predators out
brick by brick
  each layer sorted out

A fortress for my castle
  sturdy without a doubt
to withstand the awful shadows
  to contain the silence after every shout

Building these walls
  to keep the predators apart.
But how do I protect myself
from the enemies living inside my heart?

Sleep well tonight
dream big, fearless dreams
For tomorrow will shine bright
filled with your hopeful gleams

Be comforted with care
We, your loved ones will give
never holding back, never in despair
a life in full, you shall truly live

For in every waking moment you will see
In spite of every rainbow, or every storm
A covering of love setting you free
guiding you in every form

So I say "Hush little ones...
as we lull you to sleep
for together we've finally won
and this triumph we shall silently keep"

I want
to silently
break
down

In my solitude I still weep
  tears of unending wiles
  poisoned memories that I keep
  to hide the truth within my lies

In the confides of my room
In the coldness of my night
Away from the heat of the noon
Away from everyone's sight

For in pain I have built
my walled city from within
with its rooms, filled with guilt
and secrets that are unseen

I still cry not because they hurt
I cry because they're there
I cry to recognize their worth
not to wander too long in despair

In solitude I still weep
to lull myself to sleep

Lemme flex my mom
My earliest memory is her holding me close, in a nipa hut somewhere in Cavite, I was probably 2 years old, the smell of pouring rain outside, the banging of the wind, and the song "Welcome to the family" playing inside our mildly lit house. I've never felt more secure than that night.
When I was 6, she gave me one of my strongest skills: English Fluency. She said that if I learn to master this language, people will think I'm smart, and that I could go to places because of this. She taught me how to think logically, how to be technical, and to always grab an opportunity while it's available. Her wisdom was beyond her years.
Then I remember pouring all my insecurities to her as a teenager, dad was working abroad and she was the source of both love and strength. She protected us, provided for us, shouldered everything on her own.
She moved abroad to find work. She and dad lived there until June of 2016.
Then when they came back, I saw her with signs of Alzheimer's, it was irreversible. I remember being broke that year, she (in spite of her sickness) walked up to me and handed me 20 pesos, she smiled and whispered "Anak, sa iyo yan, kain ka." it was as if her old self broke off from her sickness for the last time and for a few minutes I saw my mom again. A version of her youth, a version full of hope and kindness.
The last time I saw her was when I visited her last October. Before I left, she held my wrist, pulled me inside the kitchen, knowing that I was about to leave she said with a smile "Are you going to your work?" then I said " Yes ma, but I will some back."-- A promise I was not able to fulfill.

Now her ashes are no more, fragments of her memory will always linger...

So  let me flex my mom. A mother like no other. The strongest, most caring, most assertive, most empowering woman in my life.
You will always be in my heart.

So let me
chase every sunrise and sunset
with the hope that encompass
the darkness behind us

Fear. Uncertainty. Pain

    Constant, they are

I miss holding you close to my chest
I miss the warmth of your embrace
I miss the faint smile you wear on your lips,
  whenever I kiss you on your cheeks.

I miss the way we both
  take away our pain
  ease our burdens
  replenish our strength
  and take our breaths away
while interlocking our bodies to rest.

One day you shall see
how a man can hide his wounds
for the sake of seeing the smile
  of the woman he bores deep
     of the offspring he would hold incessantly

One day you will fight
years above your fragile self
for the sake of living for others
  with worn out tools and dusty sheath
    with old wounds and a butchered heart  

One day, my son, you will learn
to be strong beyond your words
for the sake of thy posterity
    for the vengeance of thy soul
     for the indignation of thy folly

Then, and only then, will you become a MAN

I only need
  One picture
     One photograph
        To last a lifetime

I fear my fear is coming back
I run and hide away
but still am trapped
inside my shack

Of fog and smoke
of mud and myre
of skeletons unseen
of undying desire

Of musing turned scars
of vomits and vermin
of memories lost
and memories forgotten

My memory is such
full of anguish and pain
full of harm and regret
that's why I fear the rain

I wish I could give you
the sun and the moon

I wish I could give you
a worry free life

give you treasures to secure
your future with me.

I wish I had all the things you've dreamt about
all the characters that
your partner should possess

I wish that I could be someone
you'll be proud of

I may not have those things yet...
and I cannot promise to give you
   what I have no possession of.


But I do have these:
My pure love
My undivided attention
My faithfulness
My loyalty

These things I offer to you.
They don't seem that much...
but what I have, I give to you.

I love you Mahal,
in every little aspect that you have.
   Your tiny quirks, your nuances, your entire being.

I
Love
You

I open my eyes
and see the most beautiful expression
found in your subtle smile

Every morning
I smell your tender perfume
emanating from your skin
Driving me deeper within
being lost in the sensation
of this moment
   interlocking our lives

Every morning for the past month
I thank God for being alive
I thank God
for having you here in my arms
  every morning

Behind closed doors
is where my therapy lies
under the sheets
behind the passage of time

echoes and billows
of my fragmented mind
as my headaches are intertwined
with these heartaches of mine

I wanted to write
  poems for you

but it seems
  that I gloom in the shadows now

expecting the apocalypse
we will soon be in

Or the tears
that will flood my pillow

it seems
  that my last straw of hope
  was lost
  the last time I fell
  in love.

Building walls
  to keep the predators out
brick by brick
  each layer sorted out

A fortress for my castle
  sturdy without a doubt
to withstand the awful shadows
  to contain the silence after every shout

Building these walls
  to keep the predators apart.
But how do I protect myself
from the enemies living inside my heart?

Don't touch
   my broken pieces

     For each subtle movement
               drives trauma
     back to my gentle soul.

I need to forget you
like how the day forgets the night
how the drought forgets the rain
and the blind forgets his sight

I need to lose you
like a villain losing his sanity
like nakedness losing its dignity
like amnesia losing its memory

I need to forget you
I need to lose you
for the last time...
I need you.

What once was hallowed
has turned to dark
what once has purpose
is now an empty bark
like a dead wood tree
like a wheel that's stuck
is a hollowed soul I am
with all the yuck and the muck

Everything withers and dies
every memory loses its lush
Every fire, once immense and vile
subsides and withers from a hush

All things are lost in a moment;
like a robber lurking in the night
ready to take every valued possession
to cause us confusion and fright

A new fear I now dread
a new phobia I've developed:
That is to reach the end of my being
without reaching the peak of my endeavors

Me: You know what hurts?
Myself: What?
I: "Everything"

I am a well of overflowing emotions
     tap me once and I explode
Like a ne'er ending source
     like magma, ever ready to flow

My drunken head
On my lonely bed
I retire myself in fear
I retire dreaming you're here.

On my lonely bed
With my spinning head

I never smile
Like the way I smile
Whenever my thoughts
Remember how you lied

I hate this
  this I hate
   hate this, I
    and no matter how
     I try to lie
      hate is how I
        cut all my ties
          I hate it when
            I turn to side
              and see my wounds
                to never dry
                  cause no matter how
                     hard I try
                       this I hate
                          I hate this, I.

Will thou be there?
Oh Great Wind of the south...
to cover my leaves that bear
the fruits which my soil hath abound?

Will thou be there?
Oh Sun, the ever so bright...
to give me reason to shade
a passerby, a child.

Will my seed bear
the fruits of my tomorrow...
the fulfillment of my dreams...
the laughter of my sorrows...

Will thou abound?
When my poetry cease
to scatter my thoughts...
to scatter my will.

Will thou be there?
Oh Great, Mighty One?
Will thy great branches
cover my lonely arms...
When dawn breaks
through the passage of my tonight
will my heart still say
"I did what was right?"

circa 2015

Let me touch
  even in the slightest way
     your shadow
        as it moves away

Let me reminisce
  every promise, broken
    every teardrop
       every faint word, spoken

I see darkness creeping
under my veins tonight
behold, my light has fallen
and gone from my sight

As emptiness engulfs
my worn, weary eyes
I loathe this feeling of pain
every single time I cry

It seems like
I have perfected
the destruction of myself.

I wanted to be
your hero

But you didn't need saving
well,
not from me.

You needed
to play around with your darkness

So darkness became
your savior.

One cannot teach
a viper to sing
a leopard to fly
and a fish to close its eyes

One cannot teach
a person to cry
to have wings like a dove
or a heart to love

I need a poisonous tip
one that is as sharp
as the tongues of these mockers
shouting in my ears.

I need a hallow soul
with an emptiness...
as vast as the crevasse
found in my heart.

I need a knife,
a blunt knife,
to slowly feel its edges
cut open my skin

until it causes
my heart
until it causes
my soul

to cease to exist.

For what is life but a series of unfathomable events...
leading us astray?

Skipping beats
Skipping beats
Skipping beats

I think I'm falling, again.

Skipping beats
Skipping beats
Skipping...

Bad memories stay the longest
sting the hardest
and weaken the most.

Bad memories *******
the heart and soul
inflict pain
leave scars unresolved.

Being good

Is not enough.

All
  of my bad memories
  are gone

but why am I still not happy?

Your bite marks
left on my skin
are like painful flowers
etched on my mind

She said

That my aura smells
like a bar of soap
with a hint
of fresh cinnamon

What I didn't say
is that her hugs
felt like home.

Last night
was painfully beautiful
your lips
were as tender, as fragile
as your heart

I have seen
your darkness
a glimpse of your sorrow
yet you still draw me in
deeper into you abyss

Last night
was painfully beautiful
one feeling that I
long to linger
in my frailty.

I have made so many poems
... of joyful, youthful glow
and carved them in my memory
... a capsule of years ago.

I have dealt with so many dreams
... I've dealt with so many fire
to purify this anguished life
... consuming my wildest desire.

Perhaps one day I'll make a dream
perhaps... with you this time around
Perhaps I'll stop making poems
for YOUR poetry will now abound

I hope someday, you'll find it too
that peace your turmoil's been searching
for in the space of our lavished arms
Is where you, Kristine, will be staying.

Loving and being loved
starting over again
knowing someone worthy
someone more than a friend
Feeling her heart next to mine
In the chill of the night
whilst her arms wrap around me
holding me tight
Remembering her quirks and dislikes
being used like a tool
building a universe around her
exposing myself like a fool
Giving love another chance
giving love another toast
these are the things
that I fear the most.

I am not a hero
for I am not good
I too am not evil
just merely misunderstood

I am not darkness
though I dwell in thee
nor am I its shadow,
merely its enmity

I am also not Light
for I cannot bear its burn
can't you see my scars
hidden behind my churn?

I am no longer my yesteryears
I am no longer my today
I am no longer my tomorrow
that, too, has faded away

I am in the crevice
trapped in the shadows
a pointless voyager
an archer without arrows

Vanity! Vanity!
All things in vain!
The seas, the mountains,
my life in chains!
The flowers, the dewdrops,
the mighty hordes too
have all lost their glamour
the day I lost you.

Vanity! Vanity!
shouted through eternity
raging billows of fire
spouted from the mouth of mine enemies!
No records abound
nor secrets untold
in the chambers of mine heart
where art thou, oh Cold?

My roots are uprooted
and my soul is a ravine
my compass is shattered
like my soul uncleaned!
Lest tomorrow brings hope
I fear I'm losing track
From my innermost being I cry
"Mom, Dad, PLEASE COMEBACK!"

I don't need moments of excitement
no seasons of joy
I don't need sparks that heightens
or splashes of coy

I need regular, unyielding,
steadfast, and true
I need the monotony of embracing
someone like you