It's over before it begins,
that's my decision.
I got a heart
with fifty incisions.
Past lovers
look more like accidents.
I wake up next to an empty bottle
of grey goose or
whatever someone else chose
to lead the night.
I'm fuzzy and faded,
thirsty and jaded.

I love you,
because I hate myself.

I'm so vulnerable.
Never been this naked.
I'm ******* scared.
Please, don't scar me.

Just as the ocean,
she's so beautiful
you forget it kills.
A lioness under
the face of a kitten,
her voice is mighty...
A step to a stomp,
a breath to a tornado,
a tear drop to a tsunami...
Her actions hold
a profound effect
in everyone's life.
She's so bright
that the sun
pales in comparison.
Her beautiful mind makes
maps look measily and vacant.
She is not a Queen,
but a Goddess.
Just as the world,
she's so mesmerizing
you forget you get lost.
You forget you're dying.

Some people are
Ready to let you go
Before you are
Just accept it

I hope you're okay...

You could call me fragile,
But...
Not in the way you'd assume.
I could walk away,
I could let you go,
I could fall out of love
and despite all of the above...
What really eats me alive
is all of my time
and energy,
wasted potential.
A project left unfinished...
A flame smothered to it's inevitable death.
It's the mary-go-round,
it's the never being surprised anymore,
it's being able to guess what's about to happen
and unfortunately being right...
Don't let me be your lesson,
before the next one.
Don't be the perfect guy for her
after being the worst to me.
I'm always the one before the one.
I want to be happy with you,
please don't make me do it alone.

Just ran out of my
Antidepressants
Feeling pretty
Depressed and
I'm dead meat
Sizzled by the street
I keep waiting
For my life to start
But it's all my fault
I don't want to go
Leave me in this hole
Bury me

I wonder if I write from
the bottom of my heart,
that you'll take a deeper interest
in what I say.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
All I do is make you mad, sad, mad, sad; gone.
My hands tremble, I cry in bed and I feel, once again, a indescribable aching pain
inside and out of my chest.
You'd think I'd have a tolerance for pain.
Just laying there, punishing myself as if you can see it from 400 miles away. As if you can hear my gorilla-glued mouth speaking all the words my 1st place race championship mind hasn't spoken.
I am delusional and it is always too late to see. Always a fool after the fact.
I love you, I love you, I love you.
Is it enough for you?

Sometimes, I really wish I was numb again...
I wish I didn't feel so embarrassed of my emotions
and I wish I felt like it was okay to let them out.
I feel truly alone when I am in a puddle of my own pity and shame.

We are all just
weaving in and out
of our own thoughts and reality,
trying to be happy.

You don't know it yet
But me out of your life is the best thing for you
I'm so toxic
I'm so sorry I existed

Head above water
The shore looks so small
Will I ever be liberated
before the demons collect their toll?

I don't know the answers
To anything at all
I don't know if I'll be okay
I'm just floating along

being a
hopeless romantic
is just
appreciating
art
that breathes.

Sometimes… I really think,
truly think,
I want to be dumb and
succumb to the numb.
Being above-average
in self-awareness and
awareness in general
is a curse.
I can appreciate
the complexities and intricacies
in every day life…But
****,
do I feel so alone…
Because everybody else
seems pretty
content with average.

i should spend more time with you
instead of wasting away in my room.
i'm so self-absorbed and it's rude
that for a second, i could even forget about you.
your existence matters.
you aren't dusty furniture
that we bought to impress
the friends who come over
and do not even notice.
because they are just as self-absorbed
as me
and you.
we should start listening to our elders,
they don't speak to hear themselves.
family matters.
we just let them waste away
thinking we have another
*******
day...

Everything is connected through love.
My girlfriends went out and I joined and all they did was talk about someone named Cato, which is your dog's name. Never have I ever heard of that name until your dog and you're telling me someone is going to rave about that name all ******* night the day after I go a state away.  Cosmic *******.
I get it, Universe.

I miss you...

You have
as many chances
as you allow yourself.
Take one of them to be better.

If you love me -
I'll stop you there.
I only like you
when you're bare.

If you think
you're anything exclusive,
please get the **** out
before I go translucent.

It'll be easier if you
leave first.
Take my advice,
before it gets worse.

I'm poison,
I crave your blood flow.
I'll seep in deep
and make your heart blow.

I can show your flesh love,
but you're dreaming
if you think I'm capable
of anything above.

every day i'm breathing...
is a battle i've won...

I'm afflicted
by all of my addictions
and my addictions
caused all of my inflictions.
There's never a touch
or a love
or a hug
to save me from
the inevitable.
The dark swirling
vortex
of my cortex
and the emptiness
in my chest
eats me from the inside out.
The chronic boredom
is a pest,
a tumor inside of my chest...
The **** oozes out
into my breaths
and suffocates me
until I say yes.

Turns out...
and it's kinda funny, actually,
I'm the only one in my way.

what's a girl gotta do
to simply melt into you?

gifted with a voice
to send me shivers laced with ecstacy.

you feed me so much love
/as if it's bottomless/
yet here i am, starving...

your moon for eyes,
silk for lips,
you touch me and it feels like sin
i am a glutton for you

i'll never run out of words,
out of rhymes,
out of time
to write about
you.

you'll never lose beauty ,
lose your shine,
lose
me.

stale dating scenes
goodbye monogamy
society is changing
leaving me behind
no choice but to
align my mind

i am rough
i am so sad
i just
i want you so bad

articulating doesn't come easy
these emotions i have
twisted up inside me
bring me to the light
wring me out tonight

I'd die a thousand gruesome times
just to incarnate our love
The high is enough for me to drop all morale
I wish they'd bottle you up
Fill my cup
I want to feel you inside me
I don't know when enough is enough

I always
fall in love
with people
I don't want to
love.

I'm pathetic...
All I do is talk about you like you're still mine...
"*** bf would do that"
Who am I kidding
I did this to myself

I've been living in a day dream...
Except exchange day for 'night' and dream for 'mare'.
I almost pulled out every ******* hair...these last 3 years.
The war is over.
THE WAR IS OVER.
The war on drugs...
I am clean.
I am free.
I am me.
Finally.

If I love you
from afar,
I'll love you just right.
I can't touch you,
you're a light and
I will wither
beneath you.
I'm a museum;
You'll wonder around
and I might impress you,
but you'll always get bored.
Because I'm not
the real deal,
I'm just a collection
of the past.

It wasn't all your fault,
I'm not saying that.
I won't put it all on you.
Sometimes,
you start out as the solution
and end as part of the problem.
You were a bee drawn to my
sticky issues.
It gave me depth
and made me look strong.
[Ill]usion.
Your stinger of a love
was too sharp for my
soft, flimsy values.

I'm the scapegoat
for sad people
pretending to be happy.
If they focus the attention onto me,
maybe for a minute,
they'll forget their sadness.
God forbid,
they'd feel anything at all.

The million dollar question
I’ve always cried out
to the empty atmosphere is:


Will I ever be enough…
Enough for me?

Everything is purposeless,
Meaningless…
But that can be inverted.
I just want to grasp
some kind of way to live
where I don’t feel
like drowning in a foggy daze.

They don’t tell you
about getting better.
How it will still always hurt as badly
as the early days.
Getting better still means
falling and repeating the parts
you hate the most about yourself..:
You just get up faster or take up a new problem.

I will always battle myself.
I can grow, but the pain remains.
I guess you just learn to react in other ways.
Is that better?
The funny part…
I’m not better at all.
I’ve just learned better
ways to lie to myself.

I’m just scared.
I’m so scared that I’m probably
afraid of being happy.
How do you change to gold
when you were born blue?

The only change I feel
is my new profound
self-preservation and a little voice that wants more…
And then I take that version and force her to just watch.
Watch me break.
Watch me want better for myself after.
Watch me repeat.
Nothing is different.
Just me in a room watching while another me in a room is watching
me self sabotage.

I don’t want
to be complacent
in the familiar pain.
I gotta get out of the
middle of this ocean.

I'm the energized bunny with my battery mind...
Duracell [24/hour] thoughts all the time...
My bones are showing, again.
Pretty is pain, pretty is thin.
Here I go again, searching for a problem...
I can't be satisfied, just gotta make myself cry all of the time...
Selfish little brat; selfish swine eating all the time...
I could be spending enjoying loving you...
but I spend it worrying...
I spend it starving...
I spend it loosely...
Like pockets with holes...
As if you'll never leave...
Why can't I breathe...
What's going on with me...?
I am ill...I need help...
Abandonment issues that need dealt with...
I don't want you to leave...so why do I push and push and push you so ******* hard...
When all I yearn for is your heart and reassurance...
You're all I think about...
All I ******* think about...
I see so much good...
But I destroy everything I touch...
Everything I love...
I'm allergic to.
I grow sick and I sink to the bottom of my [trench] of a mind...
I feel the pettles of my existence drop at the extent of wonder...
My mood quickly plunders...

"I wish I already knew you.

It would be less awkward."

"You don't like people, huh?"

"No, not most."

I am scared of everything but
I won't let that steal my adventure.
No...
I'll never let it take me away.

I hold all the cards...
But why am I only showing
the bad ones?
I see your eyes and what they are saying.
You are ready to leave...

Why do I create so much chaos?
I do it all by myself.
Then, like always,
Everyone runs away from me.
And I feel relieved.

Already lost the race,
Caught up with the new mess I've made.
I think it's been a lie,
life beneath the sky.
Blue, brown, orange, green,
The people I have seen.

Stay Away:
I taste bitter and sour.
And you will burn into ash.
I will love you
and then take your heart and go
SMASH!

I hate how much I love you
Even the thought of anyone else makes me sick
I've never been so devastated
Please let this be a bad dream
I wanna wake up...
I am so trapped and lost...

It's been really,
really  hard
to let you
go.