hey world,
i'm doing okay.
as okay as a person with
severe anxiety and depression
can be.
i should be writing more...
channeling my pain and whatnot.
but sometimes i can't get out of bed
or even find the energy to talk...
so i may be m.i.a. for a while
until i find the energy.

I know you
******* hate me,
except when you were
hate-******* me.

I've accepted
my lonely death
awaits
and it's the only one
who will be at my wake.

Made my bed,
time to lie.
Don't laugh at me while I cry.

The real war is inside ourselves.
If we can push through the expedition,
if we can conquer our minds,
we can save the human life.

Pink shadow
patted by fingertips
and light lip gloss
spread across my lips,
a lightened face to dismiss
my dimness.
War paint has evolved
into an approachable
weapon that slowly takes ahold.
Engulfed in subtleties,
you don't view as whole
and it's too late
once you're left hollow.

There is good
and there is bad.
There is happy
and also mad.
Beauty exists
and ugly, too.
But nothing compares
to all of you.
You see, nothing is real
and it's all we have.
Everything real
is made in our heads.

I'm sick of being just a number.
I'm sick of being human.
I'm ready for a bullet
to caress the back of my head.

I'm never going to miss someone as much as I miss you right now.
I never want any less than greatness in your life.
I don't believe I am that greatness.
I want you more than you could comprehend.
....But this pain mixed with our love....
I can't watch myself **** you.
Is that selfish?
Probably....knowing me....
I love you...either way.

hip hopping
all the way,
swinging off the wagon.

i wish someone taught me
how to love,
to feel compassion,
hold ambition...
i guess we can't all be lucky
and have loving parents...

i'll just use my intuition.

I died
and sunk to the bottom
of my soul.
Darkness prevailed.
There was nothing
and it was bold.
I felt the tears
of my family
thousands of miles away.
And all I could do
was say that I'm okay.
Death should of been
enough for me to stop,
but honestly speaking---
It's really not.

teach me how to shine,
you make it look so easy.
you give me butterflies,
it makes me so queasy.
my knees bend and shiver
when you smile in my direction.
i wonder why you love me
while i stare at my reflection.
you're everything to me,
i want to show you the world.
i wanna be your everything,
i just wanna be your girl.

She has friends with careers,
Teslas and Mazaradis...
Just to brag for a minute;
Just to feel associated.
She ain't like them.
She ain't like them,
At all.

I wonder
if my internet friends
would ever know
if i was dead
or a ghost.
I wonder
if boys
ever thought
of being
men.
Life could
just be
a sham.
Life could
just be
a dream.
I hope.

it had to be today
at this specific time
in this specific [drunken]
state-of-mind.

it couldn't have worked
a minute less...
without the steps i took
to all the destinations before...

it had to be today
at this specific time
in this specific
state-of-mind.

you had to do
all the things you did
to bump into me
and say,
"Hi."

I am broken to me

not you.

You say the gold
in my seams
are my silver lining
and you are a carpenter
who is blue
sometimes, too.


But I am not a project
worth taking, because
my form
takes shapes
many hours of the day
and you'll break your hands
if you stay.

I am broken to me

not you.

You are the one...
But I just didn't feel like you felt the same...I'd stare at you forever and tell you how beautiful you were...
She said she never saw you look at a girl that way...but maybe you did with her at first and it slowly died...maybe that's what was happening...you started to fill with hate...
I wanted to marry you...
I was so sure...even in such short time...
I wanted your last name some day...no rush...but the thought made me so ecstatic...I wanted to bear your child...for the first time I didnt care about gaining weight or the physical pain of birth....I literally NEVER felt that way about someone...especially that quickly. You said you loved me the first night we made love and I thought you were crazy...or joking...but I meant it when I said it...I was just scared to seem too quick.
I want to be a better person.
I am a wonderful person who makes impulsive decisions.
I never ever once thought about someone else...I could never...because you are my soul...
Never cheated.  
I just was a mean girl and didnt deserve a good guy like you...
Never will until I learn to forgive myself...and I'm so sorry I did you like that...but I can't tell you goodbye. It kills me. I want to die.
Because you'll move on quicker...you're older and want a family before you're too old to play with your kids...she is so ******* lucky...this is more of a loss for me than it is for you.
God I love you so much though.

liquor gets sweeter
as the pain digs deeper
and my emotions are always
hijacking my mouth.

i'm just an innocent child
wrapped in twenty-two
years of skin and guilt,
searching for a love of a kin.

I depend too much
on other's reactions
to set me free.
Scrambling around,
cannot breathe.

Loney people
are the best
Company.

How could you
take all of my love
just to toss me to the side
the moment you're bored.
I wish you never
said all the things to make me
love you.
Now I'm left confused
and used.

hold me close
and let me hear the thumps
of your aching heart.
two sad people
so in love.
we will get through this
together, hand in hand.
our diseases won't
take us down,
we will wear the crown.
you like to be up,
i love to be down.
we are yin and yang,
swimming around
in a puddle
of mud.
life is ****** up
and our rights are a facade,
but it is worth it
as long as i have you.

He won't look at me
when he's mad.
He makes me go home.
Like emotional distancing isn't enough.
Your eyes stay fixed
on whatever the ****.
I know you aren't
really looking at anything
so

Look
At
Me.

I love you.
I know you don't love me.
That's okay,
that's okay.

Maybe someday.

I love you, because I ******* love you.
I don't need it reciprocated...
Though,  it'd be ideal.
Just know no matter what
I'm here.

The ones
who pass me by
are the ones
I wish to give
all of my time.

I'm shattered.
In ultimate pieces.
Maybe, I love too hard.

I search for sanctuary
in a touch,
a bed set,
empty promises.

I know it's nothing real.
I've done this before.
I swear I'm erasing my memories
just to believe it again.

Like a morphine drip,
I keep pressing the button...
Deleting each memory...
The machine is broken
and I press so much
I forget I even pressed it.

Next thing I know
I'm an amnesiac morphine addict.

pain, pain
go away.
numb on the outside,
but far from okay.

I can't stop.
I cant go backwards or forwards.
I can't unsay words.
I can't undo things.

I want a life worth living.
Someone worth loving.
Something to die for.
Let me be your martyr.

I can bend over backwards,
jump through hoops
and survive 5 hour replies.
I can't promise perfection,
but it will be real.

I can't promise I won't spend nights
wondering why you're with a girl like me.
Picking apart every detail
from skin to every word I mutter.
I succumb to you, though.

Because whether I'm deserving of love or not,
my selfishness will never shun it.
I can't live without something.
It's not in my nature; my DNA.
I am destined for needing more,


Always.

I wish I was a good person.
I wish I was nicer to you.
I wish I was skinnier.
I wish I didn't think about only myself.

I'm often quite alone
in this room I claim my own.
There's moments I mustn't be,
but my doubt takes me to sea.
As I appear to be on edge,
my fingers dangling off the ledge...
I can't help but think:
I'm an anchor, I sink.

I'll dress you on my mantle
and brag to friends during wine.
I'll tell them about the night
you were only mine.
I'll laugh, because it's been
a long time since...
But in my heart I yearn
for the intimacy I reminisce.

Pheromones
got you like
OoooOoooO.
Natural selection;
You mistake for fate.
You think it's love,
but it ain't.
Can you feel my scales
against your neck?
Can you get a grip
before you're dead?
I wish saving you
could save me.
If I could be better,
I would be.

A passenger...
on your
emotional rollercoaster.
I'm strapped in...
without a choice.
I have so many thoughts
and no voice.
Bruises on my knees,
blood on my feet,
a cigarette in my mouth,
your loving is a tease.
You come from me
begging "please."
You fade in and out
of all my days;
Almost mistook you
for a phase.
It's always the ones
you don't expect.
Everything I want.
Everything I want.
I want to arrest you,
you are my criminal.
My kryptonite,
you stole me
in the night...
I surrendered;
No fight.
I need your eyes on me.
I can't behave,
I can't think straight.
You're all I crave.

Empathy,
it washes away as dusk fades.
Like a tidal wave,
only the moon has say.
You see my cards
all spread across
and yet expected
a different outcome.
My 'tricks' were known.

You're not my savior.
Predictive behavior,
foolish to think
anything more.

I'm okay alone,
anywhere except at home.
That place is too loud.
My energy is toxic
with it's radioactive hold.
It'll mutate your views
and you'll die from my
silent fumes.
Should've got a tattoo
on my forehead
in all caps screaming
DANGER.

I'm hooked
like a ******
to a hundred million
fantasies
and none of them
include you.
Everytime we get close,
an inch apart we gain.
I'm sick
and there is no cure,
no God
to save my hurt.
My grave is built,
the soil is soft and comfy
to lay rest my guilt.
It is what it will be
and that's whatever
defines me.

I am destroyed
and broken.
Unhappy token,
in a crowd
of smiling masks.
I'm the opening scene
of an antidepressant commercial.
I shed my skin at night
at the end of a bottle
or two.
I always wake up, though,
thinking of you.
I don't even remember you.
I know I've made you up
inside my messy head.
That's what I tell myself
so I don't cry when
I wake up in someone else's bed.
I'm slutty
and used
and tired.
I'm so tired.