i wish to be the sunset: something stunning. admirable. a sight that demands to be seen.

lights out. you grab my waist and i know you're thinking of her. you whisper in my ear "i love you" and i'm waiting for her name to roll off of your tongue next. i find your eyes in the darkness and i swear i see her reflection in them. you touch me with unfamiliar hands that know the feeling of skin all to well and i swear if you hold me any tighter you might break me the way you broke all your promises. i held my breath and counted to 23, because that was the number of times you told me that you wouldn't leave the day i couldn't stop shaking.
lights on. your hand is in mine and i'm doing my best not to cry. you ask me what's wrong and i swear to you i'm fine. you pull me in and tell me yet another lie. "i love you sweet girl, now close your eyes."
goodnight.

how do i explain that the best part of me was the cause of my destruction?

as you grow up you search for lilac hearts but grey is all you're able to find
and as you and Disappointment because best friends,
you realize that what used to be important isn't so important at all.
you find that all you can think about is the next time you will be allowed to feel nothing without being questioned.
you're mind is stuck on breathing because you swear to God that if you stop thinking about it you will stop doing it.
you teach yourself to accept self inflicted pain,
with the hope that if you can just "get used to it" it won't hurt so bad the next time someone else decides to ruin you.
birth is a death sentence
and death is the silver lining
and in the end we are all just searching for ways to die a little sooner than we ever should have wanted to.

you asked me what i needed
and all i could think about was you.
you asked me why i'm leaving,
i just need something new.

i failed.

again...

so what's new?