The most alone I’ve felt
When I know they are just a
Message away
I still have never felt so alone
Because I know that nothing can be done
With this emptiness

Once a year

Like early Christmas

You explain to me how you’ll change

You say I need to tell you when your wrong

But when I do

You yell and get worse

This moment of rest will last

A few days to a few weeks

But someday it’ll all go back

So why should I stick around?

With each beat
My anxiety rises
I took half a small pill
It’s supposed to make this feeling go away
But all I feel is
Anxiety
With every beat of
My heart
I wish it would stop beating

The addiction
It’s began
Every day now I think of
When can I do it next
I end up doing it
Worse
And
Worse
Every time

The addiction
It’s began
Everyday now I think of
When I can do it next
I end up doing it
Worse
And
Worse
Every time now

Concern is all I felt for him
I knew I was doing the same
But he scared me
Taking glass from
His shattered phone
To go deeper
He questioned if I use the
Same coping mechanism
Because I would never show him
But why did I have to show him
To make him believe me?
Now every time
I think it’s not enough
I think it’s not truly bad enough
Because he can never see it

I don’t know how to tell you this
So I know you’ll read this
I broke my promise
But
Not badly
Does that make it better?
I didn’t know how to tell you in text
Every time I write you
I don’t know what words to use
I love you
Your my big sister
Not biological but close enough
And I am truly
Sorry
But I know that means nothing
Cause I did it on purpose
I could have not
But I just needed to feel
Something different

Titles
The only thing that stops me
How do I name the pain I’m feeling
Just one?
Please stop?
Trapped?
They never truly explain how I feel
The pain is deeper then
The pale skin
I’m trying to draw
Red lines on

Sea shells
Collecting them on the beach
Trying to make jewelry out of sea ****
Who knew that one sea shell
On that coast
Would be the most beautiful one
Inside and out
Listening to the soothing sounds of
The wave’s crashes echoing forever
That shell sticks with me
Like true family
Even though I found it on that coast
Only a year ago

Three letters
That’s all I need to send
But why is that so much harder
Than knowing I’ll have to say
Sorry
I need to talk to you
But I feel guilt knowing
Your one person
Taking on all my emotions
That’s so much for one person to carry
So knowing you’ll read this
I’m sorry your the only one
But thank you for being that one

The stereotypical
Crimson flowing down a page
But that’s all I want to write about
I want to feel the relief it would bring
I know the addiction would begin again
But at least then
I’d have those thoughts filling my mind
Instead of whatever these muted thoughts
Are

Cold shower to cool me off from the
Burning heat
Staring at the shower head I blink
Spiders replace the water
Spraying onto me
All kinds of spiders
None I could name
I jump back knowing there’s nothing I could do
I close my eyes hoping it will go away
As the darkness from my eyes closing
Covers my eyesight the water turns brown
Once I open my eyes again everything is normal

Nothing had happened

Why did I say that
I knew in the back of my mind
It was a lie

You told me to try other ways
I looked through the list
None of these would work

I’m sorry
But I lied
To myself and to you

I haven’t failed my promise yet
But at the first chance I get
I know I will
And that is a promise I can keep

The fence I used to walk through everyday
The lawn
My brother was brought to his knees at
You held him down
Yelling because he knew the truth
Years later you think none of that matters
When you are still drinking
You may have done worse things then
You are still an addict
You wonder why I can’t speak to you
Every time I write out what to say
All I can think of is
You
Laying on the king sized futon
While I watched
To make sure you would breathe
Another breath

Stop telling me it’ll be alright
It won’t
I found a metal flashlight
It had sharp points at the end
I dug it into my hand as hard as I could
Rotating with every breath
All my anger was put into my
Hand
The pain disappeared
I dug it deeper
I looked at the markings
They meant nothing to me
I just wished they had been worse

I could write a letter
But what would I say
That my heart is in my hands beating?
No one would understand
It’s not just from missing him
He frustrated me to the point of
Destroying myself
I talked to him for only a day
He seemed like the piece
To complete the puzzle
I call me

The flash blinding me from you
I told you so much about me with each picture
You weren’t like the others
You spoke to me
You treated me as human
I was so ready to let you use me forever
As long as it meant I could hear from you forever
Your words still echo in my brain
My message still unread
You never spoke to me again once you were done
Blocked
I’ll never hear you again
I’ll never get your “love” again
I just need someone’s
Yours truly felt like the right shape
To fill the whole in my chest

It’s too full
Thirty eight hours
The record
My personal best
Why can’t I run that race anymore?

Your the one person who is supposed to always give me it
From the beginning all the way to the end
Why am I looking in other places?
I create ways to cope
Your love is absent
So that means my food has to be
Your love is like a knife in my chest
So that means i have to bring a blade to my arm
Your love is so painful
Because it is never there
You only play theater when others are around

Across the country
There is a safe haven there
No one can hurt us there
You said
I should have never believed you
There may be a war happening
At home
But you are killing me in silence

One word misspoken
Leads to bruises that never heal
Yes it's no longer purple
But my mind still flashbacks to that day
You promised to never touch me
But now make me forgive you
For it being harder than you meant
That never takes away from the
Bruise you still created