my lips have cracked
and are crackling with spit
it is 12:20 AM and i've been home less than an hour
i saw a movie with my best friend
ate two cinnamon buns
but the pounding in my head will not subside
soon i will supernova
turn into a black hole
my gravity so strong that no light is let out from the inside--


has it already happened?

the visiting boy has lost something- a figure in his life
ten years have gone by and the boy considered this man a father
(though the last few years a ***** one)
and now that man is gone

the man is nothing more than a robe on a door, a stain on a floor, a lie of what happened to his three children
the visiting boy's siblings are confused but will recover- they are young
he, however, knows that the story of 'an accident' isn't true
his eyes search mine for answers i am unwilling to give

                i don't want him to imagine
                what a bullet going through
                brain matter sounds like

the boy who didn’t know himself yet. he held my hand before he became he. he asked me out before he was himself. i said no.
2. the girl who holds my hand and tells me i am ****. she thinks many people are ****. i am one of many crushes. how many times do i have to say no?
3. the person from my french class. we are friends. they don’t love me anymore. they never asked. i wouldn’t have said no.
4. the girl with bottle blonde hair. she was the first one i ever kissed. now we don’t talk. i should’ve said no.
5. the person who took pictures of me in the park. they don’t know me very well. i don’t know if i can say no.
6. the girl who knew me in seventh grade. she sends me messages me daily. i don’t know if she knows the word no.

i hope i was ****** enough
for you to write poems
about the way i ‘left you’ too

the boy is at my house again
and he is excited to be away from
a house full of needy children
and needier father

the boy has been hurt in a different 
way every single time he has come over here
I am beggining to worry about him
is it all an accident?

he still hasn't mentioned blue eyes and brown hair

I am still bound to
freckles like stars you can't reach
across rosy cheeks

I am still drawn to
curly hair flattened by heat
around rosy cheeks

I am thinking of
smiles that never show teeth
etched on rosy cheeks