When the damage was done and your soul was won. Did you feel a sting? Did you know you were done?
Did the lights dim down in your common sense, did you ever think once that your sins would win.
Did it hit you hard when I ran away, or was it a sweet release from inflicting pain.
On the ones who loved you, on the ones who cared. Or was it the answer to your silent prayers.
When you begged me back, what did you think I'd say?
I was never raised to enjoy the pain.
The nights you told me of demons and angels, I thought you were a savior. Not to be taken by the devil.
I used to be appalled by the crazy ones, never realizing that I lived with some.
Until it broke lose and the war begun. I was fighting alone against the chosen ones.
The ones he preyed on to take my family, I tried to be the glue at barely fourteen.
I should have never believed you all the times you apologized and now you're here again, same look there in your eyes.
Maybe you'd understand if you could only see through mine.

a mellow day of sweet sorrow
wondering if there'll ever be a better tomorrow

i never realized that i could be so helpless
thinking worse, leaving me breathless

a wave of shock runs through my body,
the same face presented like a carbon copy  

that's when it disconnected
the phone dropped and the news was unexpected


-m.n.

we thought we could put a face to a name
a name to a feeling, someone to blame
a feeling to a knowing, an answer to the call
a nifty, attractive package for our souls, zero flaws
a list of our ingredients, nutrition facts and fictions
that nobody ever really reads or even really mentions

and yet we still hungered for something more
to be like children in the summer, like we were before
we kept searching for the answer to the popsicle stick riddle
we gobbled love up before we even got to the middle
so that the melted sugary slush dripped down our chins,
stuck to our hands like tar, like the blood of all sins

you loved me more than the rest but i'd failed all your tests
you knew that i'd already given you my best
love's sweetness was gone and i turned to run
your words tore through me, point blank, the damage was done
exhausted and unraveling, i cried tantrum tears till morning
knees scraped, wounds agape, i bled red dye #40
heart on fire, i came home still stamping out sparks
i was scolded and hugged for staying out after dark
and you climbed into your bed just like any other day
ignoring the spaces beside and inside you, you drifted away

and just like i always leave them before i am left
just like you always give freely and then accuse them of theft
we brought down the stars as we opened our hearts
but nothing could stop us from falling apart
in the halcyon summer when we glistened with dew
i confessed and undressed myself in front of you
and still you believed there was more i could prove
i became a stain on your mind that could not be removed

so i am the victim and the bully. okay? **** it, you got me
and i've spent way too much time being someone who's not me
but i've felt your heart loving, and i've felt your heart breaking
and the love that i have is all yours for the taking
because it has to be true, i have to believe
(and i know that you all must think me naive)
but love is always the answer when the question is "why?"
-to understand this simple truth i had to bleed myself dry-

when there was nothing left to believe in, nothing left to stand for
when all of my heroes were gone or on their way out the door
and i still woke up reaching for someone who was gone
when my shrink said i was better but i hadn't moved on
no, i was not fighting those demons for fun
from the depths of hell, I sought heaven in the barrel of a gun
but i put it down
for you
because i knew
we are one.

we are thinking the same thoughts and feeling the same beating heart
and inside of our human suits i bet you couldn't tell us apart
somehow you and i cannot cease to exist

nothing else in my head really makes that much sense.

My heart doesn't skip a beat anymore
when I see you, it pumps twice faster
ricocheting to my throat and suffocates me
and sometimes I think you can hear it
a familiar beat you held to your ear before
you look around wondering of this nostalgia
your fingers cold to the touch it used to bring
craving for the sear when they touch my back
once, your eyes found mine in the sea of people
and they play our happy memories
and they smile at the thought of it
and they slowly realise, the hurt
and they become blank again
and they were the last I've seen of you;
reminding me of what we once had and how
we'll never get it back.

He didn't have the ***** to kiss me. His mouth was too busy asking for things I wasn't ready to give.
He didn't have the ***** to kiss me, but begged me to come into his house so he could **** me.
He didn't have the ***** to kiss me, but he had the ***** to ask if he could film it.
He didn't have the ***** to kiss me, but had the courage to grab my arm and try and drag me in.
(The bruises faded)
He didn't have the ***** to kiss me, but he confessed the only position he knew was doggy.
Ironic, because I was never a girlfriend to him. I was a set of *******. A pair of legs. Full lips, a tongue, and all he wanted was between my thighs.
Never a girlfriend, always an object. An animal. A toy.

What is Love?
is it the way you
get nervous and
pace with your
hands (not) on
your hips?
the way you
purse your
lips together
when you
get angry?
the way you
can't help but
smile when
someone makes
a ***** joke?
is it the way your
eyes light up when
you talk about her?
Is it the way you
cared for me so
unconditionally?
the way you make
butterflies flit and
flit in my stomach
even when i was
asleep?
even when tears
consumed my
eyes to the point
where i couldn't
even see you in
front of me
anymore?
the deepness of your
voice consumes my
thoughts and i
cant swim out.

Love is the way you
say my name.
Love is that knowing
glance you give me.
Love is when you
wrapped your arms
around me tightly
because you knew i
was fighting my
demons.
Love is when i stifled back
tears when as I told you
I was happy for
you.

my heart is on fire
from the poison you
left over and im
burning a whole
hell of a lot,
dear.

I asked you over and I don't know why.
We were lying in my bed in the dark when my parents pulled in.
I put my dress back on and you ran down the stairs.
Sat on the couch, turned on late night TV, and pretended
that you had been there all along.

I sat up next to you with a blanket covering my legs.
You were so mad at me.
My parents didn't mind you were there though,
in fact they thought the scared look on your face was priceless
and they wished you'd come over again.
They don't ask questions anymore
if that's what you're worried about.
They know that even if they asked I wouldn't have an answer.
Because like I said I asked you over and I don't know why.

I told you it was because my grandpa was sick and I was lonely.
Which is true and I really was.
But mostly I just wanted someone who knew my body to hold me.
I just wanted a night where I didn't have to be by myself
contemplating all the time I don't have left and all the things
I've still left unsaid.
Maybe I'm just in love when you're here and you shouldn't be.
And maybe I love you all the time but I hate you enough to not say it.
That makes no sense.
Neither does this.

I'm just screaming at walls that won't listen.
About how I could want you stay so badly but I don't need you here.
Your love's really nothing.
It's just something I've gotten so used to having that I expect it to be there.
All the time.
Even when
it makes no sense
for you to be kissing me like that or for telling me you'd stay up until I fell asleep.
I asked you over and I don't know why.
I'll keep asking you over and you'll keep coming but
we'll never really know why.

But I'd like it if you'd keep your hand there and not care
about what I'll feel like tomorrow or what I'll ask you to do next week.
I don't make sense anymore
but truly, I love you
and neither does this.