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 Oct 2018 elm
helloitsyellow
the other morning
i told you i loved you
and i cried
and apologized
and then i cried again
and you didn't tell me right away that you loved me
but you told me to never be sorry for the way that i feel
and i think i needed to hear that
more than "i love you"
 Oct 2018 elm
helloitsyellow
when
 Oct 2018 elm
helloitsyellow
when i would think about you for too long and get emotional
when i wanted to spend every minute with you
when i wanted to tell you everything
when we laughed so hard our stomaches hurt
when it became everything all at once
when i couldn't find any other words to describe how i felt
that's when i knew
 Oct 2018 elm
q
i don't understand how
my pen always lands
on her
i want to cut the strings
that tie my hand
and my heart to her
but i can't
and so i tell my new crush
i am not ready
it is not because i am still
in love with her
i am not
it is not because i am
waiting for her to try again
i am not
it is because when i think
about moving on
i think about hurting her
and i am terrified
to hurt her the way
she hurt me
 Oct 2018 elm
q
my life is about me
 Oct 2018 elm
q
my life is about me
this has always been
a foreign concept
but now
my life is about me
i have decided to be
intentional
to do the things
that i enjoy
to make myself happy
my happiness should never again
come from another person
and so today
when i sat down
the first thing i wrote down is
my life is about me
 Oct 2018 elm
helloitsyellow
being with you
has made me realize that
i've already dove head first into the water
and now i'm in deep
and i've never been scared
of swimming in the deep end before
but suddenly i am
which made me realize
that i've never been much of a swimmer before
and now that i'm in
the water actually feels pretty nice
 Oct 2018 elm
q
a "real" lesbian
 Oct 2018 elm
q
after her i thought
maybe i am
a “real” lesbian
because when i was searching
for someone new
i kept finding myself
wanting to be
in a girls arms
but that is not because
i am a lesbian
it is because
through all of my searching
i still think
i was looking for her
so when i ended up
with a boys hand
tangled in mine
his lips pressed gently
and then not so gently
against mine
i knew that
i had been looking
for her
but now
i am just looking
for me
 Oct 2018 elm
q
a list of things to do "when it feels like the hands on your clock have arthritis"

1.  put on your diffuser, put in lavender essential oil, remember that this is what waiting for her smells like
2. go for a walk, but not where the two of you used to walk together, try not to think of how you two used to match your pace with every step
3. do not call her, call your best friend, do not think of how you would rather be calling her and ignoring the very people who are trying to support you
4. play music, but do not put it on shuffle, and do not think about how you would so much rather be listening to the playlist she made and then updated the day you started dating
5. write a poem, but ignore how every poem you write in the collection that has become your every day life still leads back to her
6. do not cry, you have already shed enough tears over someone who can ignore you
7. if you do start to cry, say it is because of your dad, or your work load, or because it is raining and you just have never really been able to enjoy the rain, do not admit that she has the strings to your heart and somehow you are still a puppet
8. make yourself a cup of tea, sit down, and let yourself feel, remember that even if it feels like the hands on the clock have arthritis, slow progress is still progress, you are whole and time will pass
a response to rudy fransisco
 Oct 2018 elm
helloitsyellow
what do i say
when i'm not ready to say
i love you
but
i like you
does not feel like enough
 Sep 2018 elm
q
you never promised me forever
and i would not have wanted you to
because we both knew
we had an expiration date
i thought it would take longer
for sweetness to turn sour
but you can not ignore
a souring fruit
 Sep 2018 elm
q
when my best friend told me
“when i love someone,
i am going to to love them
with everything inside of me”
i finally felt understood
because i did love her
with everything inside of me
i don’t know how to not
and that’s the thing about me
i am an all or nothing
kind of girl
if i love you
i will love every part of you
with my whole being
i will become blind by love
that is not to say
i am not scared
i am terrified
because i know
that if this love ends
it will break me
because if i have given you
every part of me
will you ever be able to
give it all back when
you are done using it
and that is why i never
let myself love before you
i thought you would be more careful
because i explained this all to you
but love is not careful
love is fragile and breakable
and if i had to have my heart broken
i am still glad
it was by you
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