he was beautiful
and kind
he was tall
and shy
but smooth
and he knew how to touch a girl
before i even kissed a boy
and he grew up too fast
and i still can't do laundry
but he was beautiful
and he was mine

She looked at me
With question marks for eyes
And she asked me one thing
With eyes so innocent
And curls so fair
She looked at me and said
"How do you love?"
And I looked at her
With tears dripping
And I whispered quietly
"One day you will know."
She rolled her eyes
And walked away
And I couldn't blame her
But there was nothing else to say
And I looked after her
With stained glass eyes
And I whispered once again
"One day you will know"
Only this time I didn't stop there.
And as she walked away
In stockings as quiet as a whisper
I told her the truth that
She was never too young
To know
Only too blissfully ignorant
To understand.
One day you will know,
But by then it will be too late.

just yesterday i was saying that i was
going to marry you. i didn't know then how bad
the night would be, and how your words would wrap
themselves around my throat until i turned
blue with marble lips that no longer gasped--
gasped, like i did when you used to touch
me gently, air coming out in little bursts of breath held
in for so long that it made me dizzy.

the air grew empty then, and there was nothing left
to say besides a goodbye that tasted stale
in my mouth, as if i had been expecting
to say it all along. the words struggled out
of me, and it was all i could do to keep
from dying. i stumbled to my room and fingered
the antique white dress that had been promised to me
long ago, and it crumbled in my careless hands and turned
to dust that choked me up all over again. collapsing
on the bed, i dreamed of white dresses, flowers, and you.

now i know that i will never marry
you. the white dress doesn't belong
to me, and fairy tale endings belong in the dust-covered
books that i gave up long ago, in favor of thin
paperbacks in which the heroine insists on slitting
her wrists, as if she does not care what happens
when the blood stops. those books were my bibles and i heeded
every word as if it came from god himself.

i can't wear a white dress until my wrists clear.
when the blood has been banished and the lines turn into
cotton fields upon my skin. and i have a funny feeling
that by the time that happens, the only place i will go
in my pearly dress will be a coffin. because i am
white and blue and red all over, a flag of skin
and veins and blood. i can't marry you if you don't
want me to. and so with a flick of my wrist, i will
become death's bride.

some say the marriage bed is a coffin; maybe they're right, after all.

the sun is cold
my tears are frozen solid
your eyes are wide awake
and smiling

you are thawing
while i am frozen stiff
bones made of icicles
and gray dreams

you can move on
into a world full of color
red, blue, green, yellow
you are the seasons
spring, summer, fall
and i am
cold and alone
angry, broken, bitter
another night full
of black and white promises

the ice is too much
this love cannot break through
snow mounds and glittering tears
cover any chance of color

trees stand,
empty and alone
toothless mouths
too embarrassed to smile;
their leaves will not return.

you are spring, summer, fall
and i am
winter forever

the sun stroked my back
the same way you did.
we smiled shyly, and
i craved you so endlessly
for awhile.
you were my summer lover
a dream made
in the heat of the moment.
a dream made
out of the misery
of my endless winter.
you were my summer lover
and summer is over.

dead before you died
a shadow that's not even alive
an existence that has no purpose or meaning
an empty shell that has no feeling

who are you to tell me how to feel?
who are you to decide what is actually real?
your heart stopped beating long before this
yet you stand before me with the illusion of bliss

you have a black heart made purely of anger
you have no folly or any fear of danger
you hurt only when you look me in the eye
because you see someone who said "Not I."

you see before you someone not whole
you see someone with a semi-tattered soul
you see someone who will always be open
you see someone who's just a little bit broken

you may not have anything to fear
but i could safely say that it hurts you, my dear

violet
wrists
tell stories
no one wants
to hear

you are stashed in
a memory. and with it
i hold you close
to me. we were perfect
in our almost
romance. eyes
locked tight
and blue met blue
like the sea and
the sky colliding.
your calm azure
brought my crashing
waves back down. and i
remember your crooked
smile that seemed to promise
me everything. and that smile
let me know that
you would have
kissed me if i asked.
but i wonder
if your lips could have
quelled the swells with in
me, and if my tongue
could have silenced
your raging summer storms.
we are a secret that will
never be uttered,
we are a wave that can
never be ridden.
we had our chance and we
missed it. but sometimes, i
swear, i would go down
with our ship.

can you please go away?
i don't need you
you aren't who i want
but you slam into my mind
at the most inconvenient of times
and i remember all we had
lost in a limbo of
memories
of when i was living
in your spider's web

i raised my hands in defeat
and tried to keep you
away from me, but it never worked.
i lost days trying to
convince you that i was yours
but you couldn't see me
through eyes clouded over
with smoke. without you
life lost its luster and
it’s never quite gotten it back
but at least life without you
means that i can wear my
face a little less black and blue.
but i would have worn
the bruises forever
if it meant you
would touch me.
people shouldn’t behave like that.
and you took advantage of the way
i lost my mind whenever you said
my name. but i know better
now. life lost its luster but
you’ve lost your power
over me. i saw you once or twice...
but i’m better now, okay?
bruises clear and i’m not going
through this anymore.
touch me again,
i’ll cut your head off

You are God's apology
When He made hurt
He made your eyes
And when He made hunger
He made your smile
And when He drenched the towns in sin
He was busy making your heart

You are God's apology
For a world gone wrong
Because the way your hair
Flickers in the wind
Makes everything okay again

I started moving on the day that love turned to hate
The day that love turned to lust
The day I wish I could erase

I started moving on the day I couldn't see my dreams
The day that yours turned my stomach
The day my mind was filled with screams

I started moving on the day I lost a part of me
The day that we fell apart
The day I thought I'd never see

I started moving on the day that love turned to hate
When I looked at you and cringed,
Realized our love was second rate.

I started moving on when I opened up my eyes
When I saw what you were made of
And it was everything I despise.

I used to cling to "I love yous"
like they were the only things that mattered
I would wait months just to hear those words
One more time.
I became addicted
And I placed them under my skin
Pumped them in
One by one.
I finally became
A daily user of the phrase
And a daily recipient, too.
I never thought I would tire
Of the words
Dancing inside of me
Over and over again
And you knew it, too.
It got to the point
Where "I love you"
Was the only thing
You could say to me.
I became numb to the phrase
But I craved it even more
And I grew delirious
As the words
Built up inside of me.
One day I woke up
And I looked you in your the eyes
And you said "I love you."
But I was out of room
In my "I love you" bloated heart.
Yet an emptiness filled me and
I asked you "why?"
And all you could do
Was stare at me blankly
For you had long before
Forgotten the answer.

we fought on christmas day
and i knew it was the end
but i decided to hold on
for just a little bit longer
because even though you are a stranger
you were once someone i loved

I.
i chased you around
the playground and tried
to kiss your cheek but you
pushed me down and shoved
my face into the ground.
by your hand i learned that
no one wanted me.

II.
you knew that i loved you
and you liked stringing me along,
knowing that i would have given
you anything. but you never gave me
that one sick pleasure, and instead just
kept unraveling me. loving you
was like loving a ghost, one who made
me open up my
wrists like waterfalls.

III.
first kiss, first slap to
the face. i knew that you were
off limits but you knew
just how to make me hurt
myself a little bit more, and i
ate it up like the chocolate that
was your skin. you kissed me
after hitting me, and i never noticed
the difference.

IV.
you were a savior that
i needed so desperately, and you
cleaned up the hate that bled
out of me and kissed my torn up
wrists. but then the yelling began
and you were more of the same,
you grabbed at my heart and my arms
and tore them open, just like they had been
before.

V.
my heart was never so
alive as when i was with you.
the smiles you gave me were
treasures that i could not stop
digging up, but when the time came
that i was no longer shiny and
new, you went looking
for someone who was.

VI.
you told me to swim into the night,
and i heeded every word. you wanted
me to be so much better, but i was bad
at following orders. you never
looked at me with the lust that i craved.
you just wanted to fix me so that someone
else could love me.

VII. you craved me like a knife
in your gut. i was the shot to the foot
that you needed to get out of
the trap that you called home, but
you miscalculated my naughtiness, and
i sent you on your way, thirsting for a
kiss that never came.

VIII.
you were easy-- nothing more,
nothing less. the kisses we
exchanged were empty breaths, and
you were nothing but a failed
experiment. you wanted me in
the smallest of ways, but that was
okay with me.

IX.
you were someone that i could
never love, but then again, so
am i. the way that we smiled
across the room made the screaming
in my ear more bearable. you were just
a friend, not even mine, really. but you
were just what i needed when
the screaming was deafening.

X.
the spark that you lit inside
my heart is pushing me onward.
the way i crave your name
on my tongue is overpowering and
nauseating at the same
time. there is not much left
to say but i know that if i saw you
again, there would be so much left
to do.

i fall in love with painted words
the meaning has no meaning
as long as they are beautiful
empty words
spoken in a sincere voice
by someone i love
mean everything.
and then i am forever
questing to hear
your masterful phrases
devoid of all meaning
just one more time.

different place,
different boy,
same me. got wasted
again, and i felt so lost
but somehow i ended up
in the exact same spot.
a tree, a boy, and me.
the only way to go was
up, and so i climbed.
you watched and waited
and when i jumped, i
felt you against me.
it was like i had no
weight, the way you held
me. and again there were
no feelings but all
i needed was your body
heat against mine.

i reached heaven too early
my peak was long ago
i took a hit of love
and it kept me high for years
but now the smoke has cleared
and i am all alone

it was awhile ago when i started
walking through the woods.
i had a red cape and a basket

filled with candy as sweet as
i am. a big bad wolf
found me and he followed

my footsteps through the brambles
and he was undeterred by
cuts from thorns.

i smiled and let him believe
i was his. but really,
he was mine. and when he was ready

to swallow me whole,
i shot him
in the heart.

i was fourteen
when you kissed me
in a ditch. you had a
girlfriend and i had
a problem but it didn't matter.
the party was quiet
and everybody knew who
we were as you dragged me
toward the woods and i giggled
like you were a boy band
and i had a VIP pass.
we kissed in the dark
and i never once thought
that you wouldn't want to
look at me in the daylight.
i never once thought that
three days later you would hit
me so hard that my teeth
rattled or that you would
tell me that my legs, built like
twigs, were logs or that you
would look down on me
and call me a *****.
i was fourteen.
i'd been hungry for love
for years and you only starved me
more. kept me in the corner
and gave me scraps when you
were finished. i wanted you
and you wanted to hurt me so
i let you.
i was fourteen.

We left them
and their smoke
and their Hoarder-like house
For an adventure of our own
And I felt safer already
And you held me
And I knew
Why you didn't want me
To see you this way
But I looked at you
And I said that I loved you still
And I felt very old
And you looked very sad
And I knew I didn't want you
To smoke anymore
Or do anything else
That made you that unhappy
When I was right next to you.

there                isn't one
                     and there never
was.

i am alone
and that is all i ever am
and no one will hold me

you caressed me with your words
you lured me in
you broke me

i don't know what to do now
you lured me in with promises
that lie broken on the floor

i'm going to leave you.

Remember
When every secret was ours alone?
Nor do I, dear love.
Our lives together have been documented.
As we hide from ourselves,
And each other,
Everyone else can see
What we have avoided.
Not blind,
Rather, refusing to see in color
Remember when
I loved you less than I do
Nor do I, my love.
Nor do I.

we couldn’t stay that way forever
it’s what I wanted
more than anything
but it would be asking
you
and me
to remain the same
and who could promise that?
we can’t get it back
too many things have happened
but we can go forth together
can’t we?
can we learn to love that way?
all these years
so close
and yet
i still feel the may air
i feel it more than the june air
or the october air
or january
i know we are infinite
the way i know your hands
and your face
and voice
in you i see me
in your eyes i see my
future
in your whispers i hear my
past
and in my heart
i feel my present
pumping away

his mouth said that he
didn't care but his eyes told
another story

your breath
mingles with
mine
and i can hear your
solemn sigh
your sweat
flicks on me
but i don't mind
'cause i can feel your passion
and it's getting me off
tonight
i can feel you
inside
and all i can do
is close
my eyes
and get lost in this
ride
since i only feel fine
when you're on top
and
i'm open,
wide

The ice inside me
is never thawed by the heat
in between my thighs

four years, and your eyes
are still the most beautiful
things i've ever seen

you asked me why i no longer danced
but you never noticed that
you no longer sang my song

Contrast of colors
Ever changing morning
To afternoon
Azure and alive
Cerulean and so
simple
Whipping wind
resists my skin,
my body,
it tries to get past me,
quickly, quickly
tries to hold my hand,
says
"Get up and play with me."
the sun smiles
sadly
she says "I am here
but you cannot feel me
the wind is stealing
my song."
i do not mind
so much
the wind is free
and running
much like i want to be

you start to forget...
but when you do remember
it hurts so much more

You think you're cute
And the worst ******* part is
You are.

there is nothing left to give
nothing left to say
besides the regular things
the i miss yous
and i love yous
that don't really mean anything
to you.
i listen to mournful songs now
they understand me
almost as well as you did
almost

Hush,
No one can hear you
No one can love you
So trust me,
trust me
I will love you
I will go inside
I will make you right
Everything is perfect
for me.
Don't scream,
don't scream.
No one can hear you
I love you.

you knew
you knew
you knew
you knew
you knew
you knew
how i felt
about everything
and that's why it was so easy
for you to figure out
exactly what would tear me apart.
you tore me apart
in more ways than one
and you smiled because
you knew

we stood under the branches,
and you leaned in.
“what are you doing?”
i asked, drunken,
perplexed. i only wanted
to climb. you
had closed your
eyes, but now they opened.
you looked confused.
“i kinda wanted to
make out.”
oh. i should have
known. The breeze
picked up, and fluttered
through my hair
you looked at me
expectantly, and drew
closer. i thought of the
girl you had come with
sitting inside,
wondering where you
went, after such a long
smoke break.
“no.” i won’t
be the other girl
anymore.
you stood, stunned
at my refusal.
girls don’t usually say no
to you.
you tried to
convince me…
drunkenly i turned
away
and climbed.

it's 1:30 AM
and i am alone in the dark.
but if i say your name three times
and spin around softly
will you
appear,
kiss my lips,
and stay with me forever
like you promised?

Love is a question you stopped answering
Love is a time and not a place
Love is a longing that won't go away
Love cannot be erased
Love is something that I can't feel
Love is what made me feel alive
Love has lost it's meaning, it can't be replaced
So all that's left to say is goodbye

i wanted to to press our lips
                                       into a pent-up swollen kiss.
this isn't what i wanted....
                                                      i wanted you.
i wish the cravings would
                                               stop. 3 A.M. needs are no good
for me.


                                    is there a stronger word than i miss you?

everything good
is going away
making it harder
to get up in the morning
each day is a struggle,
a battle, a war
and i am losing

You raised your hand to me
And when you were done
You put it down and said
"Never again."
But I saw your eyes
And there was nothing but
Hatred
And the promise of
Next time.

been lying in bed for days,
skipping class and looking at
razors. can't help but feel
like the bad times are back
again and i don't know if i'm
cut out for this. been looking
in the mirror and all i see
is a girl of glass and i think
i might break this time.
constant headaches make
sleeping easy and living hard.
i don't know what to do right
now but i know that i can't
keep going like this.

thought i was over you and
then suddenly i wasn't. and i ached
for minutes that felt like
hours and pressure was building in
my bones, making me feel like they
might break free. i lay on my bed, delirious--
dreamed that my skeleton would leave
skin behind and that my
my heart would be all out and i would be
all over you.

you are the cracks in
the sidewalk that i step
on every time. but one
day soon, the cement churning in
my heart will pour over
everything you've ever said. i am
a rain cloud that is filled
to the brim, but i refuse to let
the drops fall. it's not time,
not yet. this overcast sky can last
us a little longer. the way
you whisper in my ear like the
tinny sound of an old radio is
all i need when times are hard,
but the sleek silence of the MP3
switching to the next track is all
i'll want once i figure out how
to make this ringing in my ears
stop. you remind me of a neon
sign, saying "Open" to everyone
you meet. but all along you were
waiting for me to come
in and switch you off. but what if
i lit you up again and left? what
if i want to be the one with the neon
lights and "Open" blazing
on my chest? that'll be the day
my rain comes pouring down.
that'll be the day my radio
stops working.

He kissed my eyelids, and that was very important to me.
It made him stand out in my mind
For kissing lips may be more common,
But eyes are the windows to the soul

you picked me a rose
and all you saw was beauty--
all i saw was death

Twenty to eighteen
doesn't seem nearly as weird as
fifteen to seventeen or
sixteen to eighteen
or seventeen to nineteen
plus
the ***
is
legal

it's been awhile since i could get
to sleep. i've been tossing and
turning like a ship caught

in a storm and all i can think about is
the way you looked at me like
i was something more.

i remember the moment
it all became a game,
how our hands grazed each other, just

barely. an intake of breath escaped me, and that
was all you needed to know that i was not
immune to your touch. we began

testing the waters, trying to see
who would be the first
to break when the waves got rough.

i guess i won. you've gone to shore
and i'm still out at sea, trying to live
in a past that's long gone. we used to talk

at midnight, and i told you that one day you'd
be nothing more than a ghost
in my head, one more scar

on a wrist that's about to give out,
since i may talk the talk, but
it's so hard to walk when i'm carrying all

these ghosts inside me that
only want to pull me under.
you're the one who lost

the game, but i'm the one
who's drowning. so who's the real
winner after all?

once i told you
that one day you'd haunt me...
now you do.

i wonder what would happen
if we were alone and in bed
and i craved you enough
to reach out and give
you a kiss. i am curious
and small and i could
use someone like you
to teach me how to
****.