wear the same perfume
every day. make sure that
it's in all of the stores, and
that perfume ladies use it
in the door ways at the mall.
make sure that
his pillow will smell like you
long after you're gone.

hold his pinky finger
instead of his whole hand
and then, whenever
someone makes him a promise,
he'll remember your palm
on the smallest part of him.

make sure to tell him your favorite
movies, and books and songs, too.
so that every time he goes
to the store, or reads, or turns on the radio...
he'll hear you whispering in his ear.

when you go (and you will),
leave without a trace
and keep him wondering
because without an ending,
a story lasts forever.

so was our touch half as sacred as i made it seem,
or just another fabrication of a half-dream?*
                                          -- The Most Beautiful Bitter Fruit, La Dispute

i miss you. the way you looked at me
so tenderly, when all i could
do was slam against you

and life. i've been known to make things
up in my head, to make them mean more
than they do in reality.

but i swear this was real.
it was a pounding in my
chest, it was a razor on my

wrist. now it's words i never said,
but wished i could.
i miss you like a thorn

in my side that held me
together, moment to moment,
heartbeat to heartbeat.

i just miss you.

you loved me, i loved you,
    and then i didn't.

2. crushed me with words and
    eyes that could see everything.

3. fickle-minded fairies should not
    be trusted; that was your mistake.

4. i was your manic pixie dream--
    time to wake up.

5. you aren't worth ten words.

there                isn't one
                     and there never
was.

pick up your snapback on your
way out, and use your cheap ***
compliments on the next girl. you played
your game but i played it
better. you asked me to make you
a sandwich, so i gave you
the finger. all you said was
when and where, so i’ll show you
the door. since you're not worth
the bedroom, especially when
i already have a jackhammer.

i raised my hands in defeat
and tried to keep you
away from me, but it never worked.
i lost days trying to
convince you that i was yours
but you couldn't see me
through eyes clouded over
with smoke. without you
life lost its luster and
it’s never quite gotten it back
but at least life without you
means that i can wear my
face a little less black and blue.
but i would have worn
the bruises forever
if it meant you
would touch me.
people shouldn’t behave like that.
and you took advantage of the way
i lost my mind whenever you said
my name. but i know better
now. life lost its luster but
you’ve lost your power
over me. i saw you once or twice...
but i’m better now, okay?
bruises clear and i’m not going
through this anymore.
touch me again,
i’ll cut your head off

i went with them
on cigarette breaks, and they watched
me shiver in an outfit
not exactly appropriate

for fall. i saw them looking
before i chose to look at the stars
instead. there were rusted swings
and all i could do was move

back and forth. they whispered
to each other and i knew
what they were saying and i knew that
they told you i was there and how

austin kept staring
and how pj tried to get me
alone.
how matt and chad and i were kindred
for a night. how i couldn’t bear

to erase the texts, not yet. it was midnight
before we even started walking
chad was the one who suggested it,
and i followed.

matt did, too, and carol
came because i am small and she wasn’t
about to let me go
alone. so we walked.

chad and i were in front
and we found a common ground
that i don’t think we’ll ever find
again. matt trailed behind, but I knew he heard

every word. i wondered if they thought
i would **** myself if they left me
like you did. matt stayed with me
while the others walked a different way

later i was truly alone
until chad came to find me. my face was wet
but he pretended not to see. we ran
back. i was breathless,

but i couldn't stop. it was 3am
and the beer was gone
but i knew just what i needed so
i sat in the bath tub eating toast

the next day i had to go
home. but i swore i’d always remember
there was one good time
without you.

different place,
different boy,
same me. got wasted
again, and i felt so lost
but somehow i ended up
in the exact same spot.
a tree, a boy, and me.
the only way to go was
up, and so i climbed.
you watched and waited
and when i jumped, i
felt you against me.
it was like i had no
weight, the way you held
me. and again there were
no feelings but all
i needed was your body
heat against mine.

i saw a boy with
cuts all down
his arms, and i fell in
love a little bit.
and i couldn't help
but want to fix him,
even though i've come
to realize that i can't
even fix myself.

i wanted to to press our lips
                                       into a pent-up swollen kiss.
this isn't what i wanted....
                                                      i wanted you.
i wish the cravings would
                                               stop. 3 A.M. needs are no good
for me.


                                    is there a stronger word than i miss you?

been lying in bed for days,
skipping class and looking at
razors. can't help but feel
like the bad times are back
again and i don't know if i'm
cut out for this. been looking
in the mirror and all i see
is a girl of glass and i think
i might break this time.
constant headaches make
sleeping easy and living hard.
i don't know what to do right
now but i know that i can't
keep going like this.

it was nice while it lasted
but i guess you figured out
that it was best to stay
away from me, since
i'm nothing but shallow
water left on the bathroom floor
and you are an ocean
twenty leagues deep.
you dreamed that i'd dive straight
into you, not looking back,
but both of us knew that
i wouldn't be able to
breathe at the bottom.

it was awhile ago when i started
walking through the woods.
i had a red cape and a basket

filled with candy as sweet as
i am. a big bad wolf
found me and he followed

my footsteps through the brambles
and he was undeterred by
cuts from thorns.

i smiled and let him believe
i was his. but really,
he was mine. and when he was ready

to swallow me whole,
i shot him
in the heart.

i was fourteen
when you kissed me
in a ditch. you had a
girlfriend and i had
a problem but it didn't matter.
the party was quiet
and everybody knew who
we were as you dragged me
toward the woods and i giggled
like you were a boy band
and i had a VIP pass.
we kissed in the dark
and i never once thought
that you wouldn't want to
look at me in the daylight.
i never once thought that
three days later you would hit
me so hard that my teeth
rattled or that you would
tell me that my legs, built like
twigs, were logs or that you
would look down on me
and call me a *****.
i was fourteen.
i'd been hungry for love
for years and you only starved me
more. kept me in the corner
and gave me scraps when you
were finished. i wanted you
and you wanted to hurt me so
i let you.
i was fourteen.

thought i was over you and
then suddenly i wasn't. and i ached
for minutes that felt like
hours and pressure was building in
my bones, making me feel like they
might break free. i lay on my bed, delirious--
dreamed that my skeleton would leave
skin behind and that my
my heart would be all out and i would be
all over you.

they say i'm like a doll,
with porcelain skin and
fragile limbs, but i'm not
the one sitting complacently
by my bed. he came
in a box, and he smiled
the same plastic smile
every time i played
him. i smiled too,
and the way he sat
by my bed every night
gave us plenty of time
to play. but i only want
what i can't have, and
his plastic smile faded
as i found new toys and carried
them into bed. he kept waiting,
patiently, since it's so hard
to tell when you've been
outgrown. but he noticed
that new plastic smiles
kept looking back at him,
sitting by the bed. he noticed how
i only ever came around
when my bed was empty and
my heart was full. and then
he'd fill me up, because
that's what boy toys do.
they say i'm like a doll,
but when you play with porcelain
limbs, you always end up
stepping on the pieces.

i wonder what would happen
if we were alone and in bed
and i craved you enough
to reach out and give
you a kiss. i am curious
and small and i could
use someone like you
to teach me how to
****.

it's been awhile since i could get
to sleep. i've been tossing and
turning like a ship caught

in a storm and all i can think about is
the way you looked at me like
i was something more.

i remember the moment
it all became a game,
how our hands grazed each other, just

barely. an intake of breath escaped me, and that
was all you needed to know that i was not
immune to your touch. we began

testing the waters, trying to see
who would be the first
to break when the waves got rough.

i guess i won. you've gone to shore
and i'm still out at sea, trying to live
in a past that's long gone. we used to talk

at midnight, and i told you that one day you'd
be nothing more than a ghost
in my head, one more scar

on a wrist that's about to give out,
since i may talk the talk, but
it's so hard to walk when i'm carrying all

these ghosts inside me that
only want to pull me under.
you're the one who lost

the game, but i'm the one
who's drowning. so who's the real
winner after all?

once i told you
that one day you'd haunt me...
now you do.

she's all stitched
together, but she's falling apart
at the seams. she's a raggedy ann made up
of despair and button eyes. clumps of hair
fall into her hands, but she won't
admit that something's wrong,
even as she tries to throw up
everything she hates about
herself. only food comes up,
but that'll have to be good
enough. she watches the numbers go
up and down, until her feet barely
have the strength to step
on the scale. her eyes are vacant,
dead and black. her smile is stitched
on, a crooked red mess of yarn and
blood. her ribs are showing, and when
the mirror finally admits that
there's a gap between her thighs, she only smiles
slightly before biting her lip and
noticing the extra skin around her
shoulders. bits of her brain have been worn
thin from lack of sleep and love. she used to cut  
herself until the knife got too heavy
and her arms got too weak to take
the little nicks to the wrist without
threatening to take her whole. on
thanksgiving day, she hid in the bathroom, head
down, with no blessings to count. on christmas
she gave santa all her cookies and sat under the
tree, drinking hot chocolate with cold hands
and pale lips, and a throat so scarred
she could hardly swallow. one day, her tooth fell
out, and she smiled, hiding it under her
pillow, knowing that soon she'd be falling
apart in oh, so many ways. she's a ragged
doll, with stitches all up and down, until
the day she finally cuts the right knot, when
she'll begin to unravel and brittle
bones will fall to the floor with a clatter
and her soul, forever trapped in a cage of
ribs and skin, will finally be free.

white stocking feet, black bow
askew. lips ruby red, she waited
for you to come. she leads you
by the hand, etches her name
into your heart with the
razor of which she's grown
so fond. she smiles
with those garnet lips, the ones
that match her arms and the gentle
drips that slide down your chest.
she moves in with her hips,
those hips that beg
to be touched, and you look her in
the eye. her mouth opens,
tongues collide, but then she pulls
away, whispers in your ear
"you don't know
who you're dealing with" and slips
away, a thief in the
night, a starry-eyed
temptress, a
white stocking devil

you are the cracks in
the sidewalk that i step
on every time. but one
day soon, the cement churning in
my heart will pour over
everything you've ever said. i am
a rain cloud that is filled
to the brim, but i refuse to let
the drops fall. it's not time,
not yet. this overcast sky can last
us a little longer. the way
you whisper in my ear like the
tinny sound of an old radio is
all i need when times are hard,
but the sleek silence of the MP3
switching to the next track is all
i'll want once i figure out how
to make this ringing in my ears
stop. you remind me of a neon
sign, saying "Open" to everyone
you meet. but all along you were
waiting for me to come
in and switch you off. but what if
i lit you up again and left? what
if i want to be the one with the neon
lights and "Open" blazing
on my chest? that'll be the day
my rain comes pouring down.
that'll be the day my radio
stops working.

I.
i chased you around
the playground and tried
to kiss your cheek but you
pushed me down and shoved
my face into the ground.
by your hand i learned that
no one wanted me.

II.
you knew that i loved you
and you liked stringing me along,
knowing that i would have given
you anything. but you never gave me
that one sick pleasure, and instead just
kept unraveling me. loving you
was like loving a ghost, one who made
me open up my
wrists like waterfalls.

III.
first kiss, first slap to
the face. i knew that you were
off limits but you knew
just how to make me hurt
myself a little bit more, and i
ate it up like the chocolate that
was your skin. you kissed me
after hitting me, and i never noticed
the difference.

IV.
you were a savior that
i needed so desperately, and you
cleaned up the hate that bled
out of me and kissed my torn up
wrists. but then the yelling began
and you were more of the same,
you grabbed at my heart and my arms
and tore them open, just like they had been
before.

V.
my heart was never so
alive as when i was with you.
the smiles you gave me were
treasures that i could not stop
digging up, but when the time came
that i was no longer shiny and
new, you went looking
for someone who was.

VI.
you told me to swim into the night,
and i heeded every word. you wanted
me to be so much better, but i was bad
at following orders. you never
looked at me with the lust that i craved.
you just wanted to fix me so that someone
else could love me.

VII. you craved me like a knife
in your gut. i was the shot to the foot
that you needed to get out of
the trap that you called home, but
you miscalculated my naughtiness, and
i sent you on your way, thirsting for a
kiss that never came.

VIII.
you were easy-- nothing more,
nothing less. the kisses we
exchanged were empty breaths, and
you were nothing but a failed
experiment. you wanted me in
the smallest of ways, but that was
okay with me.

IX.
you were someone that i could
never love, but then again, so
am i. the way that we smiled
across the room made the screaming
in my ear more bearable. you were just
a friend, not even mine, really. but you
were just what i needed when
the screaming was deafening.

X.
the spark that you lit inside
my heart is pushing me onward.
the way i crave your name
on my tongue is overpowering and
nauseating at the same
time. there is not much left
to say but i know that if i saw you
again, there would be so much left
to do.

blue eyes meet mine
and i know there is something
hidden behind covert glances
and accidental touches
and i have to struggle
to remember the reason i am
here. and it is not
to stare at your lips
and hope that you
have thought about
mine. i tried to stay
away from you, but i am not
good at counting my
blessings. i've been known
to take more
than my fair share
and pretend that i am
painfully innocent,
with wide eyes and curls
that make angels jealous.
but truth be told, i am
no such angel, and
i lusted at first sight
and carried your name,
a devil's flame, bursting
into my heart. the dark nights were
brightened and i hoped
that i could use
my ways to make you
fall, trip down into my
rabbit's hole. i didn't mean
for it to go this far
but then, maybe i did.
since there's something
inside of me, an ache i cannot
name, that has left me feeling
reckless and restless.
but i'll try to remain
in control, the angel in
the rabbit's hole, and i will
keep you and me and this at bay
even as the desire to let
go overwhelms me.

you are stashed in
a memory. and with it
i hold you close
to me. we were perfect
in our almost
romance. eyes
locked tight
and blue met blue
like the sea and
the sky colliding.
your calm azure
brought my crashing
waves back down. and i
remember your crooked
smile that seemed to promise
me everything. and that smile
let me know that
you would have
kissed me if i asked.
but i wonder
if your lips could have
quelled the swells with in
me, and if my tongue
could have silenced
your raging summer storms.
we are a secret that will
never be uttered,
we are a wave that can
never be ridden.
we had our chance and we
missed it. but sometimes, i
swear, i would go down
with our ship.

just yesterday i was saying that i was
going to marry you. i didn't know then how bad
the night would be, and how your words would wrap
themselves around my throat until i turned
blue with marble lips that no longer gasped--
gasped, like i did when you used to touch
me gently, air coming out in little bursts of breath held
in for so long that it made me dizzy.

the air grew empty then, and there was nothing left
to say besides a goodbye that tasted stale
in my mouth, as if i had been expecting
to say it all along. the words struggled out
of me, and it was all i could do to keep
from dying. i stumbled to my room and fingered
the antique white dress that had been promised to me
long ago, and it crumbled in my careless hands and turned
to dust that choked me up all over again. collapsing
on the bed, i dreamed of white dresses, flowers, and you.

now i know that i will never marry
you. the white dress doesn't belong
to me, and fairy tale endings belong in the dust-covered
books that i gave up long ago, in favor of thin
paperbacks in which the heroine insists on slitting
her wrists, as if she does not care what happens
when the blood stops. those books were my bibles and i heeded
every word as if it came from god himself.

i can't wear a white dress until my wrists clear.
when the blood has been banished and the lines turn into
cotton fields upon my skin. and i have a funny feeling
that by the time that happens, the only place i will go
in my pearly dress will be a coffin. because i am
white and blue and red all over, a flag of skin
and veins and blood. i can't marry you if you don't
want me to. and so with a flick of my wrist, i will
become death's bride.

some say the marriage bed is a coffin; maybe they're right, after all.

your name is
etched in my skin.
all i can do
is try to scratch
it out,
but that only leads
to inflammation
of the JAGged letters
spelling out all
that is left
of teen love
on fire.

we talk
and fight,
kiss and make up.
we hold fast to
the hurt
we cause ourselves
and it piles on
like raked leaves
on an autumn
day. the colors
swirl in patterns,
and sometimes
we see golden
yellow, like the hair
that streams down
my back.
sometimes we see orange,
a sunset streaking
through your black curls.
but mostly,
we see red.

if our words had
a color, it would be
red. the garnet
colored phrases cut deep
and make us believe
we are better off
alone.
but sometimes...
your ice eyes
meet mine and
i freeze
and just look
at you.

and it's in these
moments
that i realize
you are all
the colors,
every day and all
the time, and that
if i were alone,
i would be gray

we stood under the branches,
and you leaned in.
“what are you doing?”
i asked, drunken,
perplexed. i only wanted
to climb. you
had closed your
eyes, but now they opened.
you looked confused.
“i kinda wanted to
make out.”
oh. i should have
known. The breeze
picked up, and fluttered
through my hair
you looked at me
expectantly, and drew
closer. i thought of the
girl you had come with
sitting inside,
wondering where you
went, after such a long
smoke break.
“no.” i won’t
be the other girl
anymore.
you stood, stunned
at my refusal.
girls don’t usually say no
to you.
you tried to
convince me…
drunkenly i turned
away
and climbed.

i remember when we smiled
through the phones
and we wondered
what it'd be like
to hold each other close--
and it was such a far away dream
of a happiness
that i had never known
and when i saw you
standing
real and tall
your skin,
dark to my pale,
caressed the bracelets of scars
i wore as badges
of honor
and you held me
like i was something precious,
a feeling i'd never known
and it all just felt so real
and endless
and i closed my eyes wide
to all your faults
just to keep that feeling
for a little bit longer
and you smiled and held me
clinging to my skin and
to the thoughts
of a future
that we would never have
and now snippets pass before my eyes
of years later
like the snips upon my wrist
the same wrist that you kissed
the wrist that now
wears a bracelet of your name
etched into a scabbed memory
of screams and decay
of a once first love.
but there was still a day
where these carvings weren't real
and all that mattered was your eyes
finding mine
and for a moment
in your arms,
i was warm.

i broke your heart.
again
and again...
and again.
i broke your heart so shamelessly
and you took it like a man
and you cursed my name.
i came back
and you didn't let your heart sing
you didn't let your heart feel it
not for awhile.
but when you let me in,
god, did you let me in.
your trust was intoxicating
and i took full advantage.
but it was never love.
that was long gone,
lost so many winters ago.
i said goodbye
stiff-backed and determined, and
you waited 'til i turned my back
to wipe your tears away
because you have a silent pride
that i can never touch.
i know you would answer
if i came back again
and that is why
i never will.
because i know you would answer
and i know that i would leave
again.

the sun stroked my back
the same way you did.
we smiled shyly, and
i craved you so endlessly
for awhile.
you were my summer lover
a dream made
in the heat of the moment.
a dream made
out of the misery
of my endless winter.
you were my summer lover
and summer is over.

i realize now
that when adults believe that
teenagers are kidding themselves,
believing they're in pain, that they're in love
i realize now
that adults are just trying
to condescend them
trying to cover up
that they can't remember how it felt
to be seventeen
and young forever

i am alone
and that is all i ever am
and no one will hold me

you caressed me with your words
you lured me in
you broke me

i don't know what to do now
you lured me in with promises
that lie broken on the floor

i'm going to leave you.

you don't know.
you think that was fighting?
you think that was passion?
lies, all lies
all teenage flirting
that was nothing compared to
the heat that i've known
the pain that i've known
when it comes to
loving someone.
you think those little insults
were mean?
you know nothing of me
and what i have done for love
and what love has done
to me.

i'm going to leave
and he won't know
i've been planning it for months
and he hasn't even noticed
when i do leave
he'll be so surprised
he'll pace through the house
still not seeing
the writing on the walls
that's been there for months
i'm leaving
to find someone
who will take my pencil
as soon as i start writing
about leaving
and kiss me instead
crying out
"Please, don't go."

there was a day when i got lost
and i haven't been seen since
i was slowly climbing up, up, up towards the sun
and the suddenly i was gone
i'd been doing so well
doing so much
and then suddenly it was all gone
and i've been lost ever since
i don't feel things the same way
his kisses that once made me fly
i can now shrug off without a glance
his smiles that made me melt and sing
do nothing.
we are not we
and i am not me
ever since i got lost that day
and i started going nowhere fast
i started feeling emptiness all around me
and inside of me
and he kept going
i stayed empty
and he filled up his world
i stayed empty
and he just wanted his girl
but i was gone
i was so far gone
i'm still gone
can you see me?
can i see me?
there's nothing left of me
i don't have anything
worth living for
all i have is plans for a tomorrow
that will never ******* come
all i have is hope for a future
that will never come to pass
but what about now?
right now?
i have nothing
and the emptiness in my chest
amplifies
the emptiness in my head
the emptiness in my brain, in my soul
the emptiness that remains in my heart
sometimes i can see it in his eyes
that he misses me
i know that i'm not the one he loves
i miss her
the she, the old me, who could light a candle in his heart
the one he truly loves
i miss him
he, the old he, the one who had patience for the pain
the one who truly loves her
i miss her
i miss him
i miss me

you start to forget...
but when you do remember
it hurts so much more

we fought on christmas day
and i knew it was the end
but i decided to hold on
for just a little bit longer
because even though you are a stranger
you were once someone i loved

don't give up
the feeling of catastrophe
don't give up
the feeling of life or death
that came with every boy's call
don't forget
that beautiful pain
when you see her
kissing the one you love
don't forget how you cried
and how you tore open your heart for a night
don't forget how it felt
to be young forever
flying down the street
in your beat up car
used long before you were born
believing that you were the king of the world
don't forget
that one day
you will forget
the painful feelings
of living like today
was your last day

it makes me sick that
you are not my last first kiss;
it kills me inside.

his mouth said that he
didn't care but his eyes told
another story

in a field of green
the bonfire burns bright
there are people everywhere
and your eyes see only me
friends gather 'round
the beer is getting warm
and i am beautiful
when i am in your arms

one, two, three, four
you each got
nothing.
deserved
nothing.
because i was an empty body
trying to find peace
with no one
but myself.
one, two, three, four
there was nothing to do
but be there
until i couldn't be
anymore
one:
you saved me
you truly did
you were what i needed
at the time
but you are not
what i need
now
two:
i think of you
and it almost
makes me
***
almost.
three:
you never knew me
you never tried to.
what else is there to say?
four:
you are a liar
and will remain so
until someone
beats you
at your own game
one, two, three, four
the could've beens
the might've beens
the never-will-bes
and I am okay with that
most of the time.

july 1st, 2010
when your eyes met mine
for the very first time
i could not breathe
and every look at you
that i stole
made me feel like
i was alive
for the very first time

july 21st, 2010
i found you again
i steal your eyes
pin them with mine
there is someone between us
but it is as if he was not there
you leaned on me
and i leaned on you
and there was love
hanging in the dusty air

january 15th, 2011
i see your eyes
they crave mine
they whisper to me
"run away, run away"
i see your eyes
and they crave mine
and i do not know
what will come of this
but i do know
that nothing
will ever
be
the same.

may 13th-14th, 2011
your eyes are begging me
and mine are pulling you in
your brain pushes away,
runs away
but my heart emanates
a force so strong that
you come to me in the end
and together
we ***

june 16th, 2011
this is heaven
this is bliss
this is everything
i ever imagined
and more
you are everything
i imagined
and more
did i die
and go
to heaven?

and then came
two years of
ups and downs
and side to side
we are everything
and nothing
at the same time
we fight too much
and make up too quickly
no one was ever as lucky
as i was
to have you
in my heart

the silence

love is dead
and i am too

september 19th-22nd, 2013
here we are
trying to start anew
we try and try
but the passion
cannot be replaced.
the eyes that once tugged at mine
seem so empty inside
the eyes that shone with love
now barely spark
at all

and now it is december
and i'm trying to remember
and
the days whir by
one after another
here we are
and we are still
together
we can kiss
and touch
and ****
and yet
when i look into
your eyes
all i see is
mistrust
all i taste is
sadness
all i want is
love
but all i feel is
alone.

i find hearts
and i sneak inside
doesn't matter who they belong to.
in the quiet
i lie in wait
of a man
who i can breathe in--
i don't care who he belongs to.
i smile my secret smile
and i beckon them in
one by one--
no matter who they belong to.
i whisper from afar
declarations of love
tempting them, pressing them
doesn't matter who they belong to
in the quiet
i sit and bleed
names run red across my arm
i don't care who they belong to
i don't learn lessons
i don't remember mistakes
just keep on pushing ahead
i don't care that they belong to
people.
people with feelings
people who are not me
and then i realize
that i hope one day
i outgrow my psychopathic ways
and i remember who they belong to
but at the same time
as i sit here
in the quiet
waiting for
my turn
i wonder...
who do i belong to?

red
     red
          red
drips



down.


and i am alone again
with elegant designs
all over my arm
a reminder of the mess
that i have caused
a reminder of the pain
that is my fault
a reminder that i
am terribly
depressed
disappointed
and lonely
no matter how hard i
try

you cried tonight
and the sound made me weak
made me want to stop breathing
it stopped my anger in its tracks
stopped my mind from ever wanting
to repeat the words that hurt you
again
when you cry
i lose all conviction
i lose all thought and reason
and all i want to do
is reach up
and brush your tears away
and hold you sweetly in my arms
leaving both my anger and your sadness
behind

four years, and your eyes
are still the most beautiful
things i've ever seen

filthy girl
why would anyone
ever
love
you?
there are *** stains on your sheets
just like the remnants nestled
in your hair
i do not understand
why your eyes still well up
when he leaves right after
why haven't you realized that
he doesn't love you?
yes,
you are pretty
and you can fool them all
in the daylight
he sees you with your friends
and you think that he admires you
just like everyone else does
you pretty, pretty girl
pure as the snow
and you think you have fooled him
so you smile
with your teeth so
pearly white.
but guess what?
your stains are clearly visible
under the blacklight,
and
he
will
always
know

do you remember crazyland?
do you remember when we swore the only time
we'd get to hold each other
was when (and if) we reached that mystical place?
and how for years we craved it
and to this day know of its power?
do you remember how we longed for it?
"thirty seven years and twenty-six days"
do you remember crazyland?
where we could be ourselves
and where you were mine
and i was all yours
i promised you
that if we ever made it there
i would let you inside
and never let you back out
"i would take you" "i would let you"
i promised you
that you would be my last everything
i craved you more than
i have ever craved anyone
i scratched at my heart
since it would only beat
when you were around
and so
i tried to remove it
thinking it was the only way
to feel at peace without you
do you remember staying up all night
telling each other our deepest secrets?
now we know them all
i never want to hide things from you.
i promised you the world
i promised you ever part of me
and you did the same.
i promised you forever
in this promised land,
this crazyland,
and i promised you
that
crazyland
would be much better
than
here