My hippy love, my hippy love
so fluorescent and so cool
you drift around all decked in flowers
so sweet and fanciful

Underlying scent of frankincense
a smell so soft and hazy
your peaceful diplomatic ways
your love of life so crazy

It is not just that you are the first person I have ever truly loved.
Nor is it the fact that between everyone else I put you above.
I'm certain it was not that adorable laugh of yours,
And it is not that smile, that I no longer see anymore.
Could it be the way you walked?
The way you sat?
The way you wrote?
The way you held on to me with our young love in the air?
No, it cannot be, there is much more.
For it was not just my life you entered upon,
But my mind.
It was not my ear you whispered sweet bliss to,
But my heart.
It was not my lips you kissed,
But my soul.

I just,                                                            ­                                                                 ­                                           
         really,                                      
                   kinda,
                             sorta,
                                       feel like,
                                                  I have this urge to-
                                                             ­        ugh, i don't know-
                                                           ­                             kinda weird,
                                                          ­                                        but all I want
                                                                ­                                              to do to you,
                                                            ­                                                              lik­e,
                                                              ­                                                    at this very moment
                                                          ­                                                                 ­         is
                                                     ­                                                                 ­                   well ..
                                                              ­                                                                 ­                   

                                                                                                                                                     hold your hand.

If I am your crush, then adore me from afar.

Love me throughout the good times and the bad times.

Reminisce our friendship and let it embrace you.

Let it take you to that special place where you can feel alive.


If I am your crush, laugh with me about the stupidest things

Also, laugh at me for being weird. If anything, laugh too much.

Laughter is the best medicine.


If I am your crush, be the girl that I want to adore. Be cute, be adorkable.

And also be clever. Be a dime a dozen. Woo me over until i’m blue in the face.

That isn’t hard to do.


If I am your crush, then lie with me underneath the stars and tell me you love me.

Make me believe it, let those words flow from your mouth and into my soul.

Take me out on dates and if we’re too lazy to go out then we’ll stay home, cuddle and watch movies.

You know, cutesy stuff.


But most importantly, if I am your crush....

Never let me go, because you'll stay right here, in my feeble weakened heart. Not wanting to escape.

dissect me into pieces
mathematical
manic
make me
make sense
solve the pieces
like a puzzle
break me
then make me
intact
but I'm not built
of numbers and facts
when you filed my edges
you created gaps

How strange to say I hardly
remember that month at all.
The diagnosis is
muddled.
It's funny to think I've been out of the hospital for two weeks,
and in it for two months, and that I've got a
bright-squeeky-new-and-shiny
diagnosis to take home with me, or two
or three.
And the psychiatrist says these things run in fours-run in packs-run together forever (maybe)
and ticks them off his fingers
1. Panic disorder
2. Eating disorder
3. Bipolar disorder
4. ADHD
and so, four numbers in, I wonder how many it takes to rack up a final total of
(how the hell are you still alive?)
and the answer being,
(I've tried both)
(I try to live in the middle now, it barely works, I am watching my mouth following my eyes not talking not breathing breathing too slow, meds on time, eat on time eat on time, ******* eat on time)
And I am okay.
I am okay, and that is ******* beautiful.
Every day taken hour by hour, nothing left to chance
(except housing, job, food, rent, contact with the outside world)
but ya know,
baby steps.

Something does not become fact merely because it was written thousands of years ago, if I wrote ‘I am headed to Atlantis to get my gills cleaned.’… and someone found this 20,000 years later, it would be stupid for them to jump to the conclusion that ours was a time of mermen and submerged cities… I’m just saying, don’t take everything as gospel. #foodforthought

my sheets are a noose
every night i swing
swing my life away

my pillow is an ocean
every night i drown
in my own tears and hopes

the pills
the people
the harsh sunlight

during the day
i am protected
i can smile without worry

the Monster is asleep

pretty pills protect princesses

but my terror grows
as the sun sinks low
the sky bright red
like the blood the Monster sheds

i wait until morning
before my eyes close

in my tears i drown
in my dreams i die

screams wake me
oh, those are mine
i'm sorry
didn't mean to wake you
no, i'm fine
just a nightmare

just a nightmare

*The Monster eats pretty princesses when they close their eyes.

It's not so hard to be happy
Though it seems much easier to be sad
You've just got to put all that nothing on a scale
And weigh it against everything you've always had