Broken, he found me lying there
He cleaned and fed me and took me upstairs
He lay me down and covered my scars
I felt free for there were no bars

I had been tired, is what I'd said
And my guardian angel its more than widespread
A gentle hand brushed my forehead
Sleep my sweet, is what he said

As he got up to walk away
I pulled him close and asked him to stay
He replied, my love, for not today
Our time will come, I'm here to stay

He held me till my tears had dried
Until the hurt and pain had subside

He must have left throughout the night
For when I woke up he was out of sight

I looked around this new room of mine
I saw some clothes left on the side
And a note from my angel it read...

Good morning sunshine I hope you slept well
Please treat this place as it's yours to sell
Theres breakfast in the kitchen and a place to freshen
The day is your own do as you please
I'll come home and fall at your feet
Call if you need me.
Signed your A N G E L.

I freshened up and wondered around
Is this my new place and where I am to be found?

Time passed quickly from reading
a book
For the first time in ages I had a brighter outlook

Angel returned home and started to cook
I watched him attentively, not just a look

We talked and laughed till the early hours
My angel, I thought, has special powers

Days passed by and I started to grow
I even learned how let go

The past is the past for this now I know
The future is for me to love and grow

A hug is what Im sending you
I'm holding you close so don't you move
It's warm and tender and loving too
This hug has been built in mind for you

I’ve been alone for a while
No woman to make smile
I’ve been alone for some time
I’m getting used to being by myself
I don’t know nothing else
I don’t need none
I’ve got some friends
I’ve got some people to love
I don’t need nobody
I’m doin just fine
I ain’t got nobody
I’m alright

Her hands were cold
Her eyes were sad
She said nothing
There was no need
This was not just goodbye
It was goodbye to me
I didn’t say a word
Just a hug
Not even a kiss
I still wear the bracelet on my wrist
Walking the streets
Tears graze my cheek
I am free

i wonder, did it ever cross your mind
to wonder how it felt to give my heart to you?
how it felt to break down my walls and bare my soul?

yeah, okay.
i admit that may have been a bit dramatic.
but i think that's just how it was with you.
i felt every word, every laugh, every smile
[and, truthfully, every carefully platonic touch.]
just a little too much to suit my cowardly self.

the thing is, everything you came from
[and everything you brought me, too]
was always just a little too much for me.
oh, but you know how much i like it when it hurts.

so, i let those walls fall down and i bared my soul.
i asked for nothing more than you could give,
and i gave you everything i could give in return.

but now, i suppose you never told me one thing.
you felt i wanted something more from you,
enough to take away the thing that made you smile.

but god, you know me better than the things you accused me of.
how many times and in how many words had i wished not for you,
but for the happiness i knew you deserved?

there is only so much i can say,
and even little that i can do,
to make things different.

and i have nothing left to give, anyway.
my heart is tired of beating, and my soul?
it's just tired of being pushed around.

so i'll back myself in a corner,
and watch the world pass by.
pray for you to forgive me and, maybe,
stop by and say hi.

it's been four years,
give or take.

i still drive down streets at night,
see one [or many] go out,
smile, and think of you.

i remember you telling me,
"when i die, i want to have control...
over something mundane, over a
small thing no one would notice."

i said you were crazy for planning
that kind of futuristic *******.
"you'll change your mind,
by the time you die."
that's what i said.

you died two years later, and ****.
**** if you didn't have control.
two years after that, i saw it.
a streetlight clicked off right as i drove beneath it.
it happened at the next one, the next one...
and at the next one? only a flicker.

you always loved ******* with me.

it's been two years since the first light,
but four years since you took control,
and didn't even say goodbye.

it's been four years, and i've lost track.
i've lost track of sips and blinks and tears.
all i can seem to keep track of now...
is how many streetlights go out in a row.

five.

i find it strange that i'm writing this letter to you.
but it kind of showcases our friendship.
all it was was an innocent kiss on your hand.
but i kissed you, instead of you kissing me [on the cheek].
so here we go.

it's like every word you say has an extra meaning.
every touch you steal or demand has an extra feeling.
so when you said, "kiss it, make it better," i wondered.
i wondered what exactly i was making better for you.

it could, of course, just be that you hit your hand on my pool steps.
but that was all you, anyway. i thought you were tackling me.
not hugging me.

but then again, it could, of course, be you were looking for a reaction.
if that's the case, i wish i knew why. i think i'm pretty clear on what i want.
you're the one complicating things, you know.
keep your mischievous eyes to yourself.
keep your troublesome lips closed.

god forbid we do anything we'd be ashamed of.

She asked me to tell her story for you all today.
I wanted to say no, but how do you say no to a dead girl?
I didn’t think you could, either.
So here I am.

But I've been thinking- we all know her story.
You’ve been fed her story by her caring, devoted parents.
So I’m going to tell you my story.

I was with her every step of the way.
[Except when it mattered, except for at the end.]
I was there when her caring, devoted parents called her a liar,
called her a thief, and called her a ****.
[Then lovingly announced it was a character building exercise. ]

I was there when instead of getting help for their daughter
as she repeatedly cut and destroyed her body,
they praised her, bought her new razorblades,
picked up her various painkillers.

Oh yes, her parents are real gems,
ladies and gentlemen.
They were very involved in Jamie’s life.
Always made sure she had
everything she wanted.

You know what?
They spoiled her to death.

Oh, too soon for suicide humor?
My apologies. I guess I’m bitter.
The last thing I need to say is,
Jamie wanted me to thank you all.

She wanted to thank you all for letting her go.

i really don't understand why i am this way.
why every day is a struggle, why i have to dredge up
every single ******* positive thought from the parts of my heart
that continue to beat and bleed.

i really don't understand why i can do this.
why i can sling excuses and *******, why i can talk away
every single ******* positive thing that could happen to me when
all i want is something to smile at.

i really don't understand what keeps me here.
what keeps me holding on to you, what makes me think of
every single ******* positive thing you did for me
when there was so much negative.

i really, really don't understand why everything i write
is so angry, so sad, so ******* angsty,
even when i've had a wonderful day and i could swear to you,
i could swear it doesn't hurt anymore.

nothing hurts anymore, and nothing makes me angry.
walk away from everything i felt for you
and everything i did for you
and all the tears i ******* cried for you,
and it won't hurt me, not this time.