Lawren

Lawren Feb 2013

Tree

I am a tree.
A real tree with real bark.
As I've grown taller and older
My branches have been sheared.
The little pieces of me,
My old self.
I lean now,
Slightly to the right,
Imperfect and not standing tall.
I've been through a lot in my life
Leaves falling, branches breaking,
Bark peeling and moss growing.
I no longer fit in with all the
Straight and narrows around me.
In fact I am unique
The only one like me for miles around.
I am a real tree,
And for that I am proud.

The assignment was to connect with a tree in nature. This is one of two poems.

Lawren Feb 2013

Hope

Hope is tired.
He is an old man, beaten down,
Worn out by the disappointment
Of expectations.
Every now and then the sun comes out
And hope is renewed,
Transformed into an infant:
Fresh, naïve, a blank slate
Upon which the world will write.
Without hope we would be nothing,
Life would no longer exist,
And the vacuum of anti-matter,
That makes up space, would be its successor.
Hope puts ideas in our minds
And laughter in our souls.
It brings tears to our eyes,
And despair to our hearts.
Hope is the basis, the foundation
For all emotion, thought and action
Because it provides us with the power of reasons:
A reason to love and breathe
And a reason to sleep and eat;
A reason to be ourselves and a reason to
Live the life we are meant to live.

Lawren Feb 2013

A Letter from my Eating Disorder

I love you.
I will never abandon you
Like everyone else.
Never would I hurt you,
Unless you disobey me,
For I own you.
You are my property.
A little teddy bear I cuddle
And squeeze until your stuffing pops
Out from behind your eyes.
Your beautiful eyes.
Watch and observe.
Your body, disgusting
But able to do what I want.
I provide goals for you,
Something to do,
A challenge to accept.
No matter how many times
You cut the cord,
We will forever be attached.
I, as a newborn, a fetus,
Feeding off all that is you.
Or, I, as your mother,
Protecting you & entrapping you
Inside my womb.
Our lives depend on each other.
We are one.
United through your blood,
Your every breath.
I'm your best friend
Loyal and honest.
As long as you have me,
You need no one else.

#anorexia #bulimia

Lawren Feb 2013

It Goes On

It goes on
It continues
Flowing down from
The mountain of shame
Twisting & turning
It engraves a path
The path I am to follow.
In 3 words it goes on.

It goes on
Slowly & begrudgingly
Scintillating back & forth
In the snow
Carving an angel
To guide my way.
In 3 words
It goes on.

It goes on
Unbeknownst to me
For I am stuck
Trapped inside
The white straight jacket
Of my mind.
Unable to breathe or eat
Because I refuse to look at it
But still, in 3 words
It goes on.

It goes on
And on and on
Infinitely moving forward
Past me, toward me
Through me
And it will continue to go on
Without me
Until I step forward
Of my own free will
Through my choice
With my true self and whole heart
That I go on
Without judgment or pity
But love and the understanding
That I must go on.

Written based off of the Robert Frost quote, "In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on."

Lawren Jan 2013

Language of the Heart

The heart listens
Beat after beat
Encapsulated by the lungs
Who resonate with the sound of the breath
In and out
Without which no sound could be spoken
Or heard
Hearing and listening
Separated by automatic or conscious thought
My ears hear
But I must listen
Listen, focus
A connection is made
Through sight, touch
So we beat together
Connected by an invisible spider’s web
Thin but strong
Direct and iridescent
Systole, diastole
Open and close
No words needed
A rhythm unspoken
Warming our souls
Alone but together
Shared
No sentence
No phrase
No beginning
No end
Just love
And that is
The language of the heart.

Lawren Aug 2012

The Ache

The heart aches for comfort.
The skin tingles in the absence of a warm return.
The mind tricks the body
Into believing the emptiness is enough;
That with self-discipline comes love,
And with love comes touch.
But it comes at a cost.
The cost of your self,
Your being,
Your worth.
You.
Are you willing?

Lawren Jul 2012

Grief

You are gone.
My eyes are blind to your body.
My ears deafened to your voice,
I am senseless.
But refusing to accept
My eyes and ears strain to find you
In the darkness,
The silence.
Tears erupt from within me
As though my Jugular has been
Sliced by the shock
That should’ve saved you.
My shoulders begin to ache
As my hands grasp for you
And find nothing but air
Intangible molecules bouncing and colliding
To form matter that isn’t you.
Like a newborn chick I imprint on
Anything that moves
Hoping maybe it will be you
Or something, someone similar.
I am lost without a map
Left with nothing but time
Not enough to bring you back
Enough to think of you and
Too much to fill the hole in my heart.
A hole that has left me
Tachycardic and anoxic
Unable to take in a breath of life
Under the weight of guilt from
Stealing that which could’ve been yours—
Should be yours.
If only…
If only I had caught you
Before you fell.
If only…
If only we hadn’t fought.
But you left me.
You abandoned me.
Like a baby you didn’t want
A puppy that couldn’t be trained
Why?
I wanted to die
I tried to leave
But I failed,
Because you are gone
And I am not.