Out of body, out of touch
If I feel at all, then I feel too much
This poem is as shallow as my grave

But I'm still digging

If I want a God then I'll misbehave
If I want to be sad then I'll entertain
Just because I'm found
doesn't mean I'm around
Just because I'm growing up
Doesn't mean I can't be down

I'm sorry, mom and dad,
but if I want to be happy then I'll have to be sad
I'll write until my fingers bleed
Until my words are the blood that the readers need

Dearest Reader,


My name is Margot Dylan, and I'm a pariah.

On the 16th of April, I told my mother that I was gay. She threw the clay mug that I made for her before she found out I was gay, against the floral, peeling wallpaper mess of a wall, in our kitchen. The decaffeinated peppermint green tea left a wonderful aroma that almost cleansed the room of the stench of 'lesbian'.

I met Dylan Dunham a few days after that, and, a few days later, she was the first girl that I ever loved.

Dylan wore a red flannel jacket, and was a butch and sometimes a *****-but I loved her even at her tomboy cruelest.

Dylan smoked a cigarette that smelled like lonerism, and she looked at me like she didn't care. My heart skipped a beat, as cliche as it sounds, whenever she would remove the cigarette from her mouth, exhale, and look at me as smoke traveled up her face. I looked at her and knew that she was everything that I wasn't, and everything that I wanted.

Dylan was Dianne, before and after school. Dylan was Dianne, who wore floral dresses and lipstick and who ditched her butch clothing in her locker before leaving. Dylan was Dianne, who was straight and who thought Tyler Wesson, from church, was cute. Dylan was Dianne, who had a short hair cut because of track and field, because she explained that she ran a faster time with less hair. Dylan was Dianne, who didn't associate with me before or after school because her parents knew that I was gay.

During school hours, the only thing Dylan did keep from Dianne was the lipstick. I was envious of the cigarette because of it's burgundy stains. We would stand in a stall, as she looked across from me, after each drag. She frequently offered her cigarettes, but I refused because I only let love **** me. If she ever brought alcohol, sometimes she'd kiss me. I told her that I loved her and she said, "I know."

The only thing that Dylan kept from me was my heart, before she started to smoke cigarettes in the bathroom with Annie Way.


I wish you the best moments so they can overcome the worst,

Margot Dylan

and here i am again
at the intersection
of pedestrian language
& old wives tales
swallowing gum
like 7 year memories
opening umbrellas inside
cause i can't seem get away
from all of this rain
i ******* with my left hand
cause i was told
back in highschool that
"it feels like someone else is doing it"
it gets me wondering
about the difference between
losing you and finding out
that some one else found you
or my sleep
or lack thereof
its starting to tear me apart
i keep having this dream
where you are in
an unfamiliar body of water
trying to wash my poetry
off of your hands
or the one where
something happens in my chest
every time you sit
on someone else's bed
i'm tired of feeling like something you've misplaced
but don't have the heart
to look for anymore
tired of you saying my name
like you're trying to bury it
i'm tired of wondering
if you can tell the difference
between the absence
of my voice & silence
the other day
i almost started sobbing
at work when a woman
asked me about
our equipment
i was explaining how
things come apart
and almost mentioned your name
it made me think
of how you used to say
things like "what would you do
if i showed up on your doorstep
one day?" now, i haunt
the windows in my house
i don't leave for weeks at a time
i sit on the porch like the dog
you didn't shoot behind the shed
the one that refuses to die
until you come home again
i told somebody once, that
you didn't even know
what my voicemail sounded like
i wonder if they thought
it was because you
are so important that i never
let it ring that many times
before picking up
or if you dont know
what it sounds like
because you've never called
you can't be the ****** weapon
and the search party
i'm tired of all the seats
to the ferris wheel in my chest
being empty
tired of your voice
being the one i look for
in abandoned places
that one sound i beg
to bounce back
down vacant hallways
i just seem to stand there
in all of that quiet
like someone looking for a mistake
on an eviction notice
so i guess the hardest part
isn't letting go
it's forgetting
you ever had a grip
in the first place
and since you've been gone
i wonder if when
you pushed yourself away from me
you used your left hand
so it felt like someone else did it

**** that night we snuck out to sit in the freezing cold wet grass
just so we could kiss a bit
should be enough proof
that little things are worth it
(your eye contact and lips)
(holding your hand)
(running my fingers through your hair)
enough proof that with the right people,
times that would have been ******
become magical

-I could probably make a lot of new friends right now, friends for the night. high me iss so good at talking
-what was the last thing i texted? I hope i didn't send that to you
-I want to show you these sometime so ewe can laugh at how stupid high i was. but i feel like you'd disapprove of this or something. if you were here i'd like this dream more. is this a dream?
-But my heart is in my throat and everything feels fake or too real, way too real and i bet i'm super annoying to you.
-I looked in the mirror and saw my mouth smile but i thought it was open and blank
-Feels like there are strands of hair covering my eyes and half of my brain is stuck between each rib i think i could reach down my throat and feel it
-Can't tell if we crashed and are riding to find out what exactly happens when you die
-can't remember if bailey actually ever decided to like me or i've just been pretending he does maybe i have been dreaming
-eww if i let him read this i'll regret it and he'll think i'm lame
-Eeven more now because i said that hahah
-Brush my teeth, go ***, wash my face, ibuprofen, don't grab your lighter to your skin, go to bed, fall asleep, wake up without the lag
-God life is weird i don't know what i want out of life "you can choose what you do with your life, but you can't choose what life does with you."
-I bet *** right now would feel amazinggg right now in his room on the floor probably
-My eye sockets look and feel sooo deep/far back and have i ever moved from this spot in front of the mirror
-**** me for sending you messages tonight ahhh it's probably too much ahh i feel annoying
-Wait did i send you those messages did i write tht down what have i been thinking (god what have you been of me)
-I wish you had gone to the party, all those guys would have loved you. there was jamming and everyone was as drunk and friendly as the guy you met camping that oput his cigarette in between the strings of your guitar
-ask bailey to Go to hector's falls and the observatory on wednesdays where you can see Jupiter at
-The puppet can't pull its own strings but **** am i trying to

being an adult feels like a joke
as if cigarettes or **** will change much
as if lotto tickets and *** and no driving curfews
will make me feel mature enough
to be considered an 'adult'

but being 18 feels pretty alright so far,
spending my first day of this new age
with you

I shall write about today
for the sake of wanting
to remember just how
sweet your lips tasted
and how much love
was shown
between
us.

1. We woke up pretty early (as early as it gets for me at least) and I was ever so playful (and wet). I wanted to make you breakfast and cuddle and take a warm bath with you, its all that I could think about.

2. We made love. Your Dad said he'd be gone for awhile, so we decided to make sweet love before breakfast, because by doing that, we would be starting off the day just right. (You tasted so good kitten.)

3. I made you breakfast. I made us some rockin' eggs and cereal while you cleaned the dishes. It felt like it was just us living alone together and I loved every second of it.

4. You tie dyed my shirts. I can't wait to have them... please make them smell like you first, I may be technically paying for the dye, but in my eyes I am only paying for your scent that you'll leave on them.

5. We took a nice warm bath together. That was such a nice bath. We had bubbles all around and we were laughing at my hair. We kissed a ton, and I could just feel love radiating between us. It was utterly wonderful darling.

6. You went in your room to go change, and I was ready to make your surprise before you had to leave for work. I wanted you to lay down with me, but you kept bugging me about your surprise. I know I can be selfish sometimes, but I just want to spend as much time as humanly possible with you baby.

7. I went to go make your surprise (Root Beer Float, of course!) and I ran back to your room. You were still naked to my surprise and all you wanted to know was what I was doing in the kitchen. I started walking back to the kitchen when you practically attacked me! You kept kissing me and begging me so much that I simply just couldn't resist. I made you *** right then and there in your hallway.

8. I made our root beer floats, and I watched you get dressed. I ate/drank mine and simply enjoyed everything around me. Life has been so good to me lately.

9. My Mom was on her way, so for the last 10 minutes of my time with you, we shared many kisses. They were all ever so perfect.

10. Leaving you is always hard, I only wish to stay forever. Maybe one day we won't have to leave. We can just stay in each others reaches everyday for the rest of our lives, my darling.

I did not want this day to end, but somehow I know that this memory will live on inside of my forgetful mind. I love you my dear, I truly do.