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Caytlin Rae Apr 2013
Today, I was ******* around on my laptop, like always.
My homework opened in one tab,
My life opened in the other.
Looked around on Facebook,
Catching up on old news and gossip.
A message from you popped up,
And I was faced with a dilemma.
You know, I haven’t spoken to you
Since graduation. Since our break up.
You’ve been a void in my life for a year,
Our old friends have avoided me for year.
If you ask me where I’ve been, I guess I’ll say that
Well, It’s not that I disappeared,
It’s just that I’ve moved on,
While you moved in an opposite direction.
I needed space to grow,
And you needed stability…
You needed solidity, but I was a wild sea
In a storm, throwing all objects out of my way.
You were the one trying to calm the thunder
While everyone else hid from the hurting.
I took all you had in your now drained heart,
And I hope this past year allowed you time
To fill that perfect heart back to the brim.
Because since last year, I’ve had room to grow.
I’ve become more of myself than you ever saw.
The person that you tried to save,
She drowned in the storm
And was born completely anew.
And here I am, contemplating all the things
That I have to fill my life.
And how I am ready as ever,
For you and your perfection…
And an unread message.
Caytlin Rae Apr 2013
Have a seat, sit down and talk to me.
I’m a closed book of secrets, you see.
I’ll promise you now that I won’t tell a soul.
Because I’ll do anything to make a life whole.
Know you can trust me because I’ve been in your shoes.
Swimming at the bottom with nothing to lose.
It’s worth a shot if I can save you from destroying  yourself
If I can somehow demonstrate your value, your wealth…
I know how it feels to hate the skin that you’re in.
To not know where you are and forget where you’ve been.
I understand the pain of looking in a mirror,
And seeing a blurred image although completely clear.
I’ve walked down the path where I lost myself.
I’ve been at that point where I don’t care about my health.
In front of my eyes I’ve watched a love die,
Felt all the hurt of my strong mother’s cry.
Been separated from family and came back home,
Unanchored and drowning when allowed to roam.
Experienced first love and letting it slip away
Never spilling the words that I was dying to say.
Been used like a play thing and left here to die
Picking my pride back up and hanging myself up to dry.
Lost good friends that I will never get back,
But forming new friendships that will forever last.
Losing my faith in God and even in air,
Finding my way back through the power of prayer.
I am here for you and I’m here for anyone
Who on a bright summer day cannot find the sun.
If you feel like the sum of your parts is worth nothing,
Come have a talk with me so I can tell you something.
You are worth more than the weapons in your hands,
So if not for yourself, who will ever take a stand?
Your body is the greatest gift you will ever obtain
So treat it with care and forget about the pain.
And if after all this you are still holding the knife,
Talk to me so I can remind the beauty of this crazy life.
Caytlin Rae Mar 2013
A dark blue sky looks over our world
Stars are sighing while drenched in the cold.
The crisp air is dripping with atmosphere
Why would I want to be anywhere but here?
Caytlin Rae Mar 2013
Fill in the blanks.
Check the best answer.
Directions. Instructions.
Make your mark clearly.
Shade in the bubbles.
Use pencil only.
Testing. Testing.
Are you still there?
Time has begun.
Clock ticks away.
Testing.
Pick up the pencil.
Read the question.
Testing.
Calling all memory.
Are you there?
I’m here.
Don’t know the answer.
I never have the answers.
Caytlin Rae Mar 2013
Emptiness swarms me,
Taunts me in my sleep.
Reminding that I’m alone.
Listing off the reasons.
Telling me there’s something
About me that nobody wants.
I try to decide what it is...
Maybe it’s my sarcasm.
Or the fact that I’m too short.
I’m “cute” but never “beautiful.”
Or my standards are just too high,
But are they, really?
All I want is someone who I can talk to.
Really talk to.
Have a deep conversation about everything.
Someone to trust.
Is it too much to ask?
Emptiness.
It takes me over
When my mind tricks itself
Into thinking I’m happy just how I am.
Taunting me
Until I just can’t sleep anymore.
Caytlin Rae Mar 2013
Never felt more at home
Or like so many people care
This is where I belong.
It’s like breathing fresh air.
Here with my sisters,
I can conquer the world.
I’m ready for anything
Bad or good, to unfold.
Side by side and hand by hand,
Accepted so fast
I finally found my place,
And friendships that will last.
Caytlin Rae Mar 2013
The good.
The good die young?
Is it absolutely true
That only the good are jabbed
With an arrow of a short life?
It makes no sense to me…
I had breakfast this morning.
She couldn’t.
I laughed with my friends.
She can’t.
The most hurtful thing is,
I woke up this morning.
She didn’t.
Why?
Why, God?
Why is it that the lives
That seem to have been
The most valuable are the ones
That get taken away the quickest?
I take a breath,
And it’s over.
But, not for me.
I carry on.
Is the fact that my life
Is far from perfect
The reason I’m still here,
Still breathing?
Was her vibrancy and passion
Something you needed right then?
Yes, she will be exactly the angel
You were searching for yesterday.
She is no longer in pain.
It’s the ones she left behind
That my prayers are for,
Tonight.
You will be missed, angel.
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