I think the most important part of this life
is learning how to live
solely and completely for yourself.
I say this because no matter
how hard things get for you
all you will ever have
is you.

Smile in the mirror,
remind yourself
that the sun shines out of your ***,
and walk in the light
of every new day
you have ahead.

I remember feelings
and people
that have long since passed.
They weighed on me like wet clothes.
It's too heavy carrying
the burdens of angry words,
and leftover feelings.
You are too important to this world
you are too important to yourself
to allow all of this
to wash over you.

Drench yourself in kind smiles
and happy thoughts.
This life seems so hard sometimes,
but there is no wrong way to live it
so I commend you
on the effort
you've shown thus far.

I look forward
to every person
I will wholly
love.
But
as for right now
my *** looks great
in these jeans
my skin is clearing up
and my
hair has come
to terms with
itself.






Love hurts
in every form.
I have written letters
to God
that spewed
nothing
but cold hearted
empty words.
I was given nothing
but warmth
in return.

I will hug myself
every night
I have
an opportunity
to breathe.
I have lived with myself
thus far
and
when
someone comes
out of the wood work
I will love them more
because
I
taught
myself
how.

hell is a state of mind
when you lose all the knowledge you once had
when the confidence you fought so hard to obtain
vanishes
when you fruitlessly google your countless camalities
scrambling through advice columns and blogs
to answer a question which may not even be the right one

hell is a state of mind
where you can only come up with brilliant ideas
when you lack the capacity to act up on them
when your energy is drained

hell is a state of mind
where you can only connect the dots before you hit the pillow
where it turns an attempted 8 hour sleep
into a 3 hour death roll

hell is a state of mind
that you're lost in

I will tell you this now,
you
are not silk.
There is nothing soft
about you.
I know
how
badly
we all want to be satin
but it isn’t in our
blood.
We come from stronger
crop.
Be grateful
for that.

I will tell you this now
satin is easy to cut
and silk is easy
to tear.
No one should be okay
with ruining themselves.

You are canvas,
and I will be frank
it isn’t always easy
to look at.
I want you to remember
that in the right hands
canvas is beautiful.
Even in the wrong
hands
it remains tough.

I want to
scream
nothing but
love at girls
who’ve hated
themselves for years.
I would wipe away
their anxiety
and replace it
with kind words
and their favorite
song.

I will ask them
to tell me
about the first person
they remember.
I hope it
was a kind face.
I hope one day
I will be that
kind face.

They will never be silk
or satin.
They are suited for much more
than softness.
They will fall into the right
hands
and I will tell them
they have always been beautiful.

If it wasn't for you I wouldn't be alive, I hope you know at least that and even though you chose ashes over my last lit cigarette I will stand by you fearlessly. Someday when you get married and you remember me enough to send me an invitation when the priest calmly asks "Speak now or forever hold your peace" I will rise, look you dead in the eye and begin to cry, I'll walk over to the middle of the aisle and place a letter down on the floor  labeled with your name inside of it, it will say "I'm sorry that I love you, I'm sorry for having been a burden and wanting to share Friday evenings alone in your car, I'm sorry I'm more complicated than you signed up for, you may be happier but I wonder how it makes you feel knowing you're the reason I am alive, You're the boy who saw me when I was invisible and called me beautiful after the end of our better three months and I will never not think of you and smile, You will always be the first boy I ever loved even if the feeling is not mutual....I hope the sound of my name makes you light up from time to time, I hope you flashback to our first night and our last, I hope you remember looking at the moon and thinking of me, I hope you remember those moments we had in the grass, we were so young then. I hope you know I will always love you...."

*vm

eventually
you'll meet someone on this earth who you want to make happy
at all costs
and it will destroy you
one way or another
and yet you'll find a way to justify it
ignoring the risk
or the pain
or the total lack of reason
using your emotional center
as a substitute for your logical one
total attraction takes over
stronger than lust
an attraction to their words
in love with their thoughts
and you'll find yourself paralyzed
the words traveling nowhere
frozen, crashing to the ground
just wait a second
honey
i'll be right there

God I don’t talk
about you anymore.
But God I think about
you when it’s necessary.
I think about you
every time I drive
by Lourdes.
I do that every day.
They taught you to me there.
I heard your name
more times a day than
I heard my own.
I think about those
poor little Catholic
kids, who didn’t have a
choice in the way they
believed in you.
Nothing was on our
terms.
There were no exceptions
to our thoughts.
Nothing was right
until we found a Psalm
about it.

God
I think about you
in between asleep
and awake.
When part of me
remembers the Sunday
I went to church
only to be force fed
the Pro-Life agenda.
God I respect
humans.
God they didn’t respect
us.
God I was too afraid
to ask questions.
God their eyes
looked like hate.
God I don’t want
to go to hell.

My Bible
has been sitting
on my closet floor
for a year and a half.
I’m too afraid
to open it
for fear I’ll find
fire and brimstone
in between the Beatitudes
and the Passion.

God I believe in you
I believe in love
I believe in kindness
I believe in life
I believe in good vibes
I believe in fate.
God I believe in everything.
I knelt by my bed
tonight
and prayed
for everything little
Catholic girl
who’s thinking everything
I did.
I understand none of it
and I pray that she will.

I remember a life before you.
Feeling joy.
Experiencing pain.
Feelings happiness upon my fingertips
in my hair
and on my tongue.

I remember a life before you.
Friends I cherished.
A past behind me.
A dream spread out in front of me
just inches
from my grasp.

I remember a life before you.
Always searching.
Looking ceaselessly.
Always hoping a person like you
would walk
into my life.

I remember a life before you.
Feeling full.
Looking inward.
Trying to figure myself out
through good choices
and some wrong.

But then you came.

And I erased the before,
the middle,
and the after.

But then you came.

And I never imagined
there'd be
a "just me" again.

But then you came.

Colors brighter,
songs more beautiful,
the world more vibrant.

But then you came.

And then you left.