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Caytlin Rae Jan 2013
There is my little sister,
The radiant one, you see.
Yes, she’s the one with the brown eyes,
The one that’s short, like me.
It’s plain to see she’s gorgeous,
She’s told so all the time.
She paints the words with color,
And I just write the rhymes.
Her laughter fills a room
It’s a genuine kind of sound.
But my favorite are the things that she
Tells me, with nobody else around.
This girl is always there for me.
She always was, is, and will be.
I guess that’s why I call her my sister…
She’s my eyes when I cannot see.
The thing is, God, I’m worried,
That she’s making the same mistakes.
I try to teach from my wisdom,
But my advice, she will not take.
Her friends are not the truest,
I hope someday that could change.
Boys are not her strong suit…
It seems it’s always rearranged.
So, I pray that she follows her heart
And that it leads her the right way.
That she falls in love with the person,
And not just what he has to say.
I pray that happiness finds her
And that her dreams come true.
Most of all, I want her to believe,
That she can find comfort in you.
I’m still worried, God, I need guidance…
For though it helped just talking to you,
I lastly will pray that she listens.
For all these words that I’m sharing are true.
One more thing, God, while you have the time,
When I leave, will she be okay?
Please, let her know that I love her.
Because I’ll be missing her every day.
Caytlin Rae Feb 2013
Woke up this morning, remembering the day.
The last thing on my mind was what people would say
When I walked into the cafeteria with ashes upon my face,
And folded my hands in my lap to say grace.
All of my life on this day there's been a smudge
Right on my forehead for everyone to judge,
But it's different this year, in college, all alone
Not going to church with my family and back home.
"What's on your face?" they asked me today,
All I could explain was that "It's Ash Wednesday."
Eyes on my forehead instead of my face,
Fish on my plate while feeling out of place...
My friends made jokes, and I tried to laugh along,
But it's real to me though people think I'm wrong.
Some ask me why I'm Catholic, and do I really confess my sins,
Do I believe in purgatory? Where do I even begin...
Lent is a time for sacrifice and a season that makes me proud.
Yes, I am a Catholic, I love God, and say it out loud.
So when people take strange looks at the ashes on my face,
I will only smile back because these ashes bring me grace.
Caytlin Rae May 2013
Beauty…
Beauty isn’t thin.
It’s big and bold and it’s thick enough
To shine through the ones who truly possess it.
Beauty doesn’t have perfect skin.
It has zits. It has scars. It has laugh lines.
Beauty isn’t tall or short.
It’s everything in between.
It doesn’t have long, perfect hair.
Beauty probably isn’t a size 0.
And I doubt it works out every day.
I bet beauty really enjoys lunchables.
It might not have a perfect voice.
I don’t think it’s perfect, at all,
In fact, it’s not a lot of things.
That’s the reason that beauty is beautiful, though.
Beauty…
Beauty is *you.
Caytlin Rae Mar 2013
Three weeks and some odd days,
A beginning, just a start,
So much to learn and do and say,
Yet you’ve already stolen my heart.
Maybe that’s what scares me…
The fact that I cannot turn around.
I couldn’t run now if I wanted to,
My wall is already broken down.
I want to tell you everything,
Sit you down and let it all out,
But inside me this tension is burning,
Frustrated and emerged in doubt.
When my eyes meet yours,
Do you catch your breath, too?
Do you feel even close to what I do,
When I take in the beauty of you?
Why does it feel like I’m losing you
When we’ve only just begun?
You feel so unbearably distant…
Just how far have you run?
Caytlin Rae Mar 2013
A dark blue sky looks over our world
Stars are sighing while drenched in the cold.
The crisp air is dripping with atmosphere
Why would I want to be anywhere but here?
Caytlin Rae Jun 2015
I never believed in love at first sight
Because I had never had
The privilege
To meet someone
Like you.

It’s difficult to try to voice
The way that you make me feel,
But I guess
It’s somewhere between
Laughing until my face is numb
And
Snuggling on a winter morning.

What I’m trying to say
Is that you are amazing
Because you have undone the knots
Filled in the blanks
Put together the puzzle
And completed the person that I am today.

I love you more
With each breath I take.
Caytlin Rae Mar 2013
Emptiness swarms me,
Taunts me in my sleep.
Reminding that I’m alone.
Listing off the reasons.
Telling me there’s something
About me that nobody wants.
I try to decide what it is...
Maybe it’s my sarcasm.
Or the fact that I’m too short.
I’m “cute” but never “beautiful.”
Or my standards are just too high,
But are they, really?
All I want is someone who I can talk to.
Really talk to.
Have a deep conversation about everything.
Someone to trust.
Is it too much to ask?
Emptiness.
It takes me over
When my mind tricks itself
Into thinking I’m happy just how I am.
Taunting me
Until I just can’t sleep anymore.
Caytlin Rae Sep 2013
Walk into the auditorium just to see the band on stage…
I swallow my spit,
my nerves,
and my pride.

Oh, you are talented, dear,
Because I sit between two of my best friends, and yet,
I feel completely alone in this room full of people.

Because the only things I see are brown hair and a gray shirt.
Because all I am aware of is your goofy grin and saxophone, and
The way your lips part when you laugh still makes my heart shiver.

I’m begging just to see your face once.
To be reminded of the way that lights make your eyes
Look different every time,
Picking out the specks of blue, green, and gray
As if your irises were a kaleidoscope…  

My mind suddenly feels perceptive of every emotion,
And from across the stage and stadium seats,
I feel your eyes avoiding mine,
But I cannot break this cold stare of heartbreak
And the needles that caress my spine.

Although my brain is unwelcoming,
Memories are flooding my head…
Reminding me that once, you held me close,
Telling me things I shouldn’t have believed,
Holding my hand
Telling me I’m not damaged
Inviting me into your world
Reassuring me it was okay
And yanking it all out from under me.

And everyone stands for the convocation,
I’m thanking the stars for this opportunity,
Because right now it’s socially acceptable.
It’s okay that I stare at you and let my heart beat fast,
Because you are on stage,
And I’m just one in the crowd.

But I always was, wasn’t I?
Just another one in the crowd?
Another float in your parade of heartbreaks.
It’s okay, my heart is mended,
Please, just look my direction…

My mind is not sure of anything,
But everything else is,
Because we finally just made
Eye contact.
Caytlin Rae Feb 2014
February,
It’s been a year.
I wait, but why,
You’re still not here.
I knew you once,
But never again,
So please, take me back
To the way things were then.

February,
Seasons change.
Things are different,
We rearrange.
You’re not the same now
As I believed you to be,
Please, become yourself again,
Because you’re getting hard to see…

February,
You’re so cold.
My heart is frozen
Without you to hold.
I remember the way
Your lips felt against mine,
The day that you asked me
To be your valentine…

February,
Where have you run?
It seems it was over
Before it ever begun…
You’ve been out of sight,
And I’ve been out of mind.
I guess you’re too lost
For me to ever find.

February,
Sorry can’t repair,
The damage that is done here
The scratches, cuts, and tears.
As much as I want to,
I can’t apologize,
For things that have happened,
You’re the one who told the lies.

February
I guess that’s it, then,
No matter what I say,
You won’t come back again.
I guess our worlds
Lie too far apart,
But know that you are always
A piece of my February Heart.
Caytlin Rae Jan 2013
Cashing in your years for tears,
Is that the way to live?
Living in a state of hate,
With so many to forgive…
Judging others for their flaws,
While you, yourself are a fake.
While you hold yourself above,
We are humbled by mistakes.
You walked away and watched
As I drowned in a sinful sea
While you turned the other cheek,
He has always been there for me.
Forgiveness has been upon me,
I’ve forgiven you, as well.
Although you’ve ignored me,
He picked me up when I fell.
When hypothetical happiness
Dwells in your own personal hell,
What will it take to make you realize
That He will make you well?
Caytlin Rae Mar 2013
Never felt more at home
Or like so many people care
This is where I belong.
It’s like breathing fresh air.
Here with my sisters,
I can conquer the world.
I’m ready for anything
Bad or good, to unfold.
Side by side and hand by hand,
Accepted so fast
I finally found my place,
And friendships that will last.
Caytlin Rae Oct 2014
A sky of stars and galaxies
Reflects itself in my mind,
And for a moment,
I wish that I could capture
That view through a man made lens
So I could share it with you.
That's what missing you feels like--
Like there is so much in my head
But no way to show it.
No way to send you a virtual kiss,
Or take a picture to tell you
What I am thinking.
My surroundings are vast and I am small,
But let me tell you this:
You are somewhere between
A mortal and a miracle,
And I find you in the stars
Because you don't belong
Among the humans.
That's the way I look at you--
My own personal Galaxy
That wraps me up
In a warm blanket of stars.
We may be apart,
But my heart lies wherever you are.
Caytlin Rae Feb 2013
From such a young age,
We are taught to give….
And I’ve always wondered,
What does it mean?

“Giving” might be giving gifts to friends.
Is a shiny, paper-covered box
With a blue ribbon and bow
How I’m supposed to say I care?

Is “giving” looking in my wallet
For some spare change during church,
So I have something to show for
When the plate is passed to me?

I’ve discovered, sometimes “giving”
Was when I let my sister sit shotgun
Just to hear mom and her argue while
I’m passing time alone in the backseat.

After all these confused years,
Can I even say what “giving” is?

I have no pretty wrapping paper.
I have no money to put on the plate.
I’m too old to argue about the front seat.

I guess “giving” is when I see the old man
Struggling with that door to the flower shop,
And opening it for him while he grins
From underneath his golfing cap.

Maybe “giving” is asking the young mother
With loads of bags, and kids,
At the corner grocery store
If she would like any help today.

“Giving” is probably handing that woman
Without a home or even a car
Some cash, or maybe some food,
Because she needs anything she can get.

“Giving” is not what this world is these days.
People have forgotten how to share.
See, the problem with this “giving,”
Is that nobody gives a **** anymore.
Caytlin Rae Mar 2013
Hey, mom,
Aren’t the stars gorgeous tonight?
They remind of the days when
You turned off my light.
Every night, I remember,
You would tuck me into bed
Plug in my night light and
Plant a kiss on my head.

Wow, mom…
Wasn’t it such a long time ago
When my baby sister and I
Came in the house from the snow?
We were always dripping wet,
You toweled us down and hugged us tight.
Hot cocoa was always ready for us,
The temperature always just right.

So, mom,
Please know we forgive you and dad
It’s not your fault we didn’t
Have everything others had.
The divorce was a good thing,
We know that, trust me,
It’s just that it was scary
Not knowing what would be.

Hey, mom?
Thank you for bringing us home.
For giving us a house
And free space to roam.
These plains and skies are spacious
The air we breathe is clean,
I’m grateful for the life we have.
Thanks for everything.

And, mom…
Do you remember move-in day?
After we unpacked my things,
I told you that you didn’t need to stay…
The truth is, mom, I cried like a kid,
When you pulled out of the parking lot.
All the courage that I thought I had,
Well, I guess it was lost.

Really, mom,
I hope you know how much I love you.
I want you know that I appreciate
All the little things you do.
I want to take this time to apologize,
For all the hurt that I’ve brought to you.
I know raising me wasn’t the easiest,
So I’m sorry for all that I’ve put you through.

Lastly, mom,
I’m glad that you found our stepdad.
He’s always been here,
Through the happy and sad.
Yes, we all complain about our mixed family,
The house might not be clean…
But in reality, we all love each other.
What else do we really need?


Hey, mom,
It’s okay. Please stop crying…
This is a happy moment.
I love you so much! I’m not lying!
Thank you for all that you’ve given me.
Thank you for believing in me.
We’ve lived and learned together,
That’s all we really need.
Caytlin Rae Apr 2013
I was reading this little story today.
A group of four-year olds were asked
“What is love?”
The answers were humorous.
They were cute, even true…
But I came across one
That made me think of you.
“I know my older sister loves me,
Because she gives me her old clothes,
And she has to go out and buy new ones.”
I smiled at this,
But thought about it some…
This little girl is right.
I’ve given you buckets of clothes.
I’d give you the shirt off my back,
Because an older sister’s love
Is the most selfless act.
I love you more than I love shoes,
Or the way it smells after it rains,
Or our conversations we have in the car.
You’re more than the sum of our memories,
And you’re more than our shared genetics,
You’re my best friend forever…
You always were, really,
Because who else would just let me cry
Over the stupidest things
While you just listen?
You always were the pretty one,
But you make me feel just as gorgeous.
I know I’m not.
But thanks for letting me believe it.
You’ve tested my patience a billion times,
But it only made me love you more.
You let me learn self-control,
You showed me how to love peoples’ flaws.
I chuckle.
I used to write you stories,
And now I write you poems.
My poems for you are my favorite ones, anyway.
Caytlin Rae Mar 2013
I don't know why the sun shines.
Can't tell you why it rains.
Unaware of why the sky is blue,
Or how it holds up planes.

I know that rivers run south,
And that flamingos aren't really pink.
Know how to use proper grammar,
Getting a degree in how people think.

I may not know what you know.
Of course, you don't know me,
Everybody is different.
We all have our cup-o-tea.

Whether you know why the sun shines,
Or you haven't got a clue,
If you open your eyes, heart, and mind,
I will do the same for you.
Caytlin Rae Jan 2013
Life is like a journey,
That’s what they always say.
Like a winding path you draw yourself,
Whichever direction you sway.
I may be comfortable in my shoes,
But not in my own skin.
Happy where I am,
But not where I have been.
Life is like the blowing wind,
Sometimes it will knock me down.
But life is like the sun, as well,
It will always come around.
I’ve met new people
I’ve lost old friends,
I’ve made lifelong memories,
I will tie up loose ends.
People fall in love,
Maybe time or two,
And if they are lucky,
They will find someone like you.
For the one that always cares
The one who I call mine,
I could look into your eyes for hours.
“Forever” isn’t enough time.
I will hold your hand forever,
To your heart I will stay true
Because everything I thought I had lost,
I have now and forever in you.
Caytlin Rae Feb 2013
Isn't it funny,
How we can meet a person
That changes our life instantly?
Everything is reborn and improved
Just by hearing their sweet name
For the very first time…

When that person looks into your eyes,
They are no longer your eyes.
They are portals that have opened,
Exposing every bit and piece of you,
Letting them see your soul.
You’re scared, but you can’t look away,
Because their irises are the brightest color…

And just grasping that moment,
It makes you catch your breath.
The hurt of your past vanishes into thin air
Because you are incapable of remembering
Anything prior to that exact second.

Then, they smile at you for the first time,
You feel your heart soar above the clouds
Because it is the most beautiful work of art
You have ever seen chiseled into a human face,
Unreal, almost, the only thing still holding
Your feet to the ground are those eyes.

Yes, those eyes become your anchor, because
You’re not prepared for the melodic sound
Of their laughter ringing in your ears.
And you want to take back all the hurt and tears,
Turning it into something beautifully magnificent,
So that there’s nothing left but love in your heart
For you to give this person.

Surprisingly, your mouth forms a few words
To say to this person, although your brain cannot
Form any thought other than, “This is it.”

And now, you finally know,
Love At First Sight does exist.
Caytlin Rae Nov 2013
Looking back after all these years,
It’s hard to believe that my best friend is a memory…
Letting you walk out of my life without trying to stop you,
It makes me want to try to reverse time…
Because I know I am much different now,
And I believe you would be proud of the person I have become.
Prayer is the only way I communicate with you now,
Hoping that you are loving life as much as you always did.
Reconnected with the Lord, and for the first time, myself,
I would love nothing more than to mend any wounds I left,
Patch them up with bandages and apologies.
I want you to know I’m sorry.
There are so many things I shouldn’t have done…
I don’t need to list them because you know,
And I don’t want to relive those memories…
Because I hate myself for all of them.
How could I?
That person from two years ago, now,
She was not me…
Just know, you’ve helped me grow,
Because I now tell nothing but the truth.
I was exhausted of swimming in my own lies,
Trying to keep up with them was like running a race…
But I could never finish fast enough.
And, like you advised,
I stopped moving from boy to boy.
Alone now, for quite some time,
Because I like the way that freedom tastes
And focusing on myself has matured me.
I live life with no regrets,
But if I did have one,
It is putting you through all the *******.
It hurts now, knowing I am far too late to fix this.
I live with nothing but a forgiving heart,
But I would not blame you if you couldn’t forgive me.
Too much damage was done by a past me,
But just know, I apologize for each word and action.
I wish I could rebuild the walls I crushed, but instead,
Here I am, knowing I let my best friend slip away…
Caytlin Rae Feb 2013
It’s strange that when I first met you,
Our planets rotated in opposite directions
Really, I hardly knew your name.
You were the girl with the turtle backpack.
You were that girl in my theatre class.
Funny, that I had absolutely no clue,
In the very near future you would become
The person that I share everything with.

I laugh when I look back and remember,
We first bonded over a television and a couch.
We soon became “brain twins”
(And let’s be real, we definitely are,)
And I still love our little brain-touch
That we do when we have the same thoughts.

You are truly my best friend,
I hope you know that and always do.
I’m always here for you.
No matter if it means
Going home for a while,
Watching Peter Pan in silence,
Or breaking pickle jars.

I want to take this time to thank you,
For breaking through my shell.
For all the long conversations where
We have shared so much about ourselves.
For always being by my side
And for being completely honest
No matter how much it hurts.

Thank you so much for being the friend
That I always hoped I could have.
Your friendship means the world to me,
And I know it’s something we will always share.
Caytlin Rae Apr 2013
Please.
Take away my pain.
Light me up,
My little flame,
Burn inside me
Heat me deep
Pry the ice open
Feel free to seep
Into my bones
Into my blood
My heart is cold,
So create a flood
Of little sparks
To warm me now
I knew you’d leave
Come back, somehow.
Transfer fire
Through my skin
Make me forget
Where I have been.
Give me the flame
That I feel deep inside
Every moment
Our bodies collide…
Relieve my quickly,
Temporarily, I plead,
Right now your fire
Is everything I need.
Heat everything inside me
So I can forget about it all.
Don’t worry about a thing,
Neither of us will risk a fall.
Let me kiss you now
With all of this desire
Warm me up, baby,
You are my scorching fire.
Caytlin Rae Apr 2014
I have never quite understood it,
But every now and then,
A smile that is very rare appears on your face.
I doubt you even realize it.

It creeps out when you sing in the car.
When you are proud.
When you hold a volleyball in your fingertips.
When you look at the mountains.

And I wish there was a way for me to capture that.
You don't know the pride I have in you,
My little sister,
When you grin like the world
Does not control your mouth.

I want you to know you can smile.
You have every right.
Let your eyes be the sunshine,
Let your lips paint the canvas
In shades of yellow, pink, and orange.
Stretch your arms out wide so you can
Welcome each soul with kindness,
Because I know that's who you are.

I know this because I am her, too,
The girl with stars in her eyes
And her heart on her sleeve.
And let me tell you,
There is not a better place to wear it,
Because the pain that comes with it
Is so worth the beauty that follows.
Because the people that break your heart
Will always be followed by the ones
That have been picking up the pieces
So they could return them to you.

All of me wishes you knew your inner beauty.
Of course you are gorgeous outside, as well,
But dig deep,
Shovel down in to your soul until you see the gem.
And I cannot believe you do not already,
Because you shine so brightly
That even the moon pales in comparison.

Karena, you are compassionate.
You feel things that people overpass;
You are the definition of a "friend."
Forgive, forgive, forgive...
Because you do not have time to hate.
Holding grudges is not your style;
And although I do not always think it's wise,
I admire you very much for that.
You see the good in others.
Thank you
For seeing the good in me.

Remember, forever and always,
That I love you.
I'm always your biggest fan.
We've been through it all together,
And that will never change.
Don't lose the spark in your eyes,
Or the warmth in your heart.
Keep being spunky and opinionated.
You are a fire, a ball of life,
And isn't it wonderful
That while some merely
Exist,
You are truly
Alive.
And please--
Never
Stop
Smiling.
Caytlin Rae Feb 2013
“Perfect,
Get it perfect.”
What was ‘perfect?’
Perfect grades? Perfect manners?
Perfect charade…
Charade?
I never knew it was pretend…
Just thought fighting and lying and leaving
Was completely normal…
Felt like a broken cocoon with a beautiful butterfly
That’s too scared of the outside world to emerge.
“Perfect,
Just perfect.”
Broken chairs, broken walls, broken hearts.
Fighting wasn’t an ideal perception,
It was everything I breathed, all that I knew.
Strangling the idea of perfection
Until it slipped right through our hands.
Perfectly out of hand and sight
The only thing in sight, in fact, was a hand
Across my mother’s cheek, and only
Because she chose to speak
Well, isn’t that image just perfect?
“Perfect, Caytlin, perfect,”
The answer he gave at that moment
When asked if I believed the marriage would work
I was only eleven… eleven…
What was I supposed to say?
“No.”
Tears ran in perfect streams
Down my mother and sister’s faces
Like rain coming down softly
Calming right after the storm.
My eyes stayed dry because I knew
This was never perfection at all
Just a big misunderstanding
My mother holding onto the edge of the cliff
Because she was too afraid to let go
Of what she knew and fall into the perfect waters.
….perfect?
What is perfect?
Everything that I am not?
The things that I have failed to do?
The people I couldn’t manage to impress?
Perfect is a figment of our imaginations,
Because 'perfect' does not exist.
Caytlin Rae Apr 2013
This morning I heard the tapping
Of rain on the windowsill
Today, it made me sad,
But I rolled out of bed, still.
The world outside is lazy today,
It looks like somebody pressed pause.
When usually I would love a day like this,
My sadness… I can’t figure out the cause.
Raindrops kiss my forehead
As I make my way to class,
Some are dancing and some are frowning,
The people and emotions I pass.
I stare out the window
Simultaneously solving equations,
Still, I’m at a loss for the reason
I’m lagging instead of feeling elation.
At a time, I was in love with rain,
The way it fell down from the sky.
How it made the whole world gray and slow,
It’s way of making people laugh or cry.
I remember how I cried on one rainy day,
After giving all I had to him.
It’s not that I regretted a thing,
But that my heart was filled to the brim.
Or the time that I drove all the way to his house,
While the sky poured down buckets of rain,
Just because he needed some company
Just so I could try to heal his hurt and pain.
I guess this day just reminds me
Of the reasons I used to love bad weather,
Because gray was how I felt all the time,
Am I sad now because I am better?
It seems that before, I had holes in my heart
That rain would fill and attempt to make me whole.
It turns out that I really needed sunshine,
And that would explain why today, rain takes a toll.
Caytlin Rae Oct 2013
Only a year ago, we were all just kids thinking we held forever at our fingertips.
Invincibility was upon us as we stepped on campus for the first time as students,
Beginning our journeys into the unknown realm of college.
Everything was new and exciting;
Classes, food, activities, clubs, schedules, people…
Remember how we didn’t want to go home?
The best place in the world to be, at the time, seemed like it was right there.
If we left for a second, we would miss the whole planet,
Be left out of the loop for an entire week.
High school seemed too close and too far,
And we were stuck in this limbo where we were not sure how to act.
Running around like tweens out past their curfew,
The upperclassmen were so cool, and calm, and collected…
We aspired to be like them one day,
Copying the way they blended into this campus with so many colors.
And slowly but surely, we have…
Without even realizing it, we have matured worlds, and
Realization has dropped itself into our hands where pixie dust sat before.
Isn’t it funny, now, watching the new group of freshmen repeat the cycle?
Looking back, I thought life was so easy.
The only cares I had in the world were attending class and finishing homework.
Making friends appeared to be simple; keeping them did, as well.
Things seemed to fall into place as if they knew where to be dropped.
Now, we make things happen for ourselves rather than sitting back and watching.
Instead of running aimlessly, we stride with a purpose.
For we know our niches and where we are needed most.
Our eyes sparkle even brighter, I believe,
Because we have found a place where we belong and want to be.
I am waiting now, looking at this group of new kids,
And wondering how long it will be before the change happens to them.
How long will it take for them to realize that home is not such a bad place to be?
As a matter of fact, as I sit here in the room I grew up in,
I feel nothing but nostalgia that makes me want to be nowhere but here.
Here, I have no worries, and I can reflect on this past year and how much I have grown.
Growth. Isn’t that something that we forget about?
Assessing how far we have come over the past twelve or so months?
Because I now see with open eyes, where before, I merely just *looked.
Caytlin Rae Feb 2013
Running away is a funny thing.
It’s looked at as a sign of weakness,
Almost a breaking point,
That only approaches
The weak and feeble.

What if the weak and feeble
Are the ones who always stay?
The people who spend their entire lives
Locked up in the same place.
Trapped in this place that is either
Paradise or prison,
Depending whose eyes you are behind.

What if running away only happens
To those of us who are brave?
Those of us who are not scared to defy
Everything we have had drilled into our brains.
Not afraid to leave everything behind
And start completely anew?

Running away
Maybe is not such a funny thing…
Maybe running away is absolutely serious
Because it’s all I want right now.
Maybe this town just isn’t big enough
For the person I’ve become.
Maybe I’m absolutely positive
That I’m not where I need to be.
Caytlin Rae Apr 2013
Have a seat, sit down and talk to me.
I’m a closed book of secrets, you see.
I’ll promise you now that I won’t tell a soul.
Because I’ll do anything to make a life whole.
Know you can trust me because I’ve been in your shoes.
Swimming at the bottom with nothing to lose.
It’s worth a shot if I can save you from destroying  yourself
If I can somehow demonstrate your value, your wealth…
I know how it feels to hate the skin that you’re in.
To not know where you are and forget where you’ve been.
I understand the pain of looking in a mirror,
And seeing a blurred image although completely clear.
I’ve walked down the path where I lost myself.
I’ve been at that point where I don’t care about my health.
In front of my eyes I’ve watched a love die,
Felt all the hurt of my strong mother’s cry.
Been separated from family and came back home,
Unanchored and drowning when allowed to roam.
Experienced first love and letting it slip away
Never spilling the words that I was dying to say.
Been used like a play thing and left here to die
Picking my pride back up and hanging myself up to dry.
Lost good friends that I will never get back,
But forming new friendships that will forever last.
Losing my faith in God and even in air,
Finding my way back through the power of prayer.
I am here for you and I’m here for anyone
Who on a bright summer day cannot find the sun.
If you feel like the sum of your parts is worth nothing,
Come have a talk with me so I can tell you something.
You are worth more than the weapons in your hands,
So if not for yourself, who will ever take a stand?
Your body is the greatest gift you will ever obtain
So treat it with care and forget about the pain.
And if after all this you are still holding the knife,
Talk to me so I can remind the beauty of this crazy life.
Caytlin Rae Jan 2013
Sometimes I wonder…
What if I was my teddy bear?
The one with the brown fur that
With me, has gone everywhere?
I think I’d remember the name
My girl gave me.
The moment she brought me to life…  

Yes, the moment she made the wish
On that heart, and put it
Straight into my chest.
She doesn’t remember that wish,
But I do
And I’ve tried my best to make it
Come true.

The happy times when I
Was brought everywhere,
Dancing in her room,
Or brushing her hair.
Or the lonely times where I
Sat in her closet, waiting.
I knew she would be back for me.

The time she retrieved me again,
I was excited; but she was sad.
So I comfort her, though I cannot
Hug her back.
No matter how much I try.
My cotton arms are limp
While she tightens her grip
On me.
She tries to transfer her pain
Into my stuffing.
She wanted to be free of the hurt
And the suffering.

She was happy the next day,
Or so she tried.
But then, I’ve seen everything
That, from others, she tries to hide.
I was left up on her bed,
And I waited for each night.
She would crawl under the covers
And cuddle me tight.

The days turned to months
And the months turned to years.
Eventually I was forced
To face my biggest fear.
My girl, she would graduate ,
Any day, now.
I knew I had to pray
That I could leave with her, somehow.

While she packed up for college,
I sat quietly on her bed.
For how could a bear blame her,
For not wanting a
Stuffed animal
To tag along?
She packed up all of her things,
Climbed into her bed for the very last time.
She laid her head on that pillow,
And softly, she started to cry.

She quietly sobbed to me,
About her wishes, dreams, and fears.
And for another time, my fur
Soaked up her tears.
When the next morning she woke,
Scared and out of place,
She turned to me and smiled,
With a bright look on her face.
The boxes were out of her room,
She finally picked me up.

Here I sit now, in a dorm room.
In case my girl needs me.
I know I’m the only boy
That has been here through everything.
The years full of tears and cheers.
Maybe someday, a man will
Take my place.
But until that moment,
I am here.
Caytlin Rae Mar 2013
Fill in the blanks.
Check the best answer.
Directions. Instructions.
Make your mark clearly.
Shade in the bubbles.
Use pencil only.
Testing. Testing.
Are you still there?
Time has begun.
Clock ticks away.
Testing.
Pick up the pencil.
Read the question.
Testing.
Calling all memory.
Are you there?
I’m here.
Don’t know the answer.
I never have the answers.
Caytlin Rae Mar 2013
The good.
The good die young?
Is it absolutely true
That only the good are jabbed
With an arrow of a short life?
It makes no sense to me…
I had breakfast this morning.
She couldn’t.
I laughed with my friends.
She can’t.
The most hurtful thing is,
I woke up this morning.
She didn’t.
Why?
Why, God?
Why is it that the lives
That seem to have been
The most valuable are the ones
That get taken away the quickest?
I take a breath,
And it’s over.
But, not for me.
I carry on.
Is the fact that my life
Is far from perfect
The reason I’m still here,
Still breathing?
Was her vibrancy and passion
Something you needed right then?
Yes, she will be exactly the angel
You were searching for yesterday.
She is no longer in pain.
It’s the ones she left behind
That my prayers are for,
Tonight.
You will be missed, angel.
Caytlin Rae Feb 2013
When he gazes at me,
I am a puddle that has melted
To the ground
For his stare is so intense
It could break even the strongest steel.

He tells me jokes every morning.
Just to see me smile
Just to make me laugh
Before we begin our days.

We have these deep conversations
That nobody else could get me to speak.
He knows that I keep myself held high
He knows that sometimes, I just need
To break.

He understands where I am coming from,
But he won’t always let me win.
He knows when his argument is valid.
Although he hates to fight,
He knows how to.

He holds me every night,
My hands close,
But my heart closer,
And whispers in my ear how much he loves me.
Not because he needs to.
Because he wants to.

I trust him.
And I don’t trust anybody.
He is completely honest with me,
Just as I am with him.
And for once,
Just this once,
I believe him.
Caytlin Rae Jul 2014
I never knew honesty
Until the strands in your eyes
Held my pupils like a promise,
Shades of blue I didn't know existed
Wrapping me in trust and hope.

Light blue, telling me you're real,
That I can trust you,
That your intentions are pure,
You're carefree,
Independent.

Dark blue,
Telling me there is a deeper story,
Secrets I haven't uncovered
But will, with time.
You've been hurt,
But you are so strong because of it.

Soft blue,
Telling me you are here for me,
And I'm the only one.
Though you haven't spoken it yet,
These eyes tell me you love me,
And make my heart melt for you.

Burning blue,
Intense and hungry,
When your lips intertwine with mine,
Your arms hold me tight,
I feel your need
You feel mine.

Sky blue,
When you are happy,
Smiling and laughing,
Joking around
When we make fun of each other.

Your eyes are the windows to you,
Your heart, your mind, your soul,
And I feel honored knowing
That I am the one who gets to see them.
Caytlin Rae Apr 2013
Today, I was ******* around on my laptop, like always.
My homework opened in one tab,
My life opened in the other.
Looked around on Facebook,
Catching up on old news and gossip.
A message from you popped up,
And I was faced with a dilemma.
You know, I haven’t spoken to you
Since graduation. Since our break up.
You’ve been a void in my life for a year,
Our old friends have avoided me for year.
If you ask me where I’ve been, I guess I’ll say that
Well, It’s not that I disappeared,
It’s just that I’ve moved on,
While you moved in an opposite direction.
I needed space to grow,
And you needed stability…
You needed solidity, but I was a wild sea
In a storm, throwing all objects out of my way.
You were the one trying to calm the thunder
While everyone else hid from the hurting.
I took all you had in your now drained heart,
And I hope this past year allowed you time
To fill that perfect heart back to the brim.
Because since last year, I’ve had room to grow.
I’ve become more of myself than you ever saw.
The person that you tried to save,
She drowned in the storm
And was born completely anew.
And here I am, contemplating all the things
That I have to fill my life.
And how I am ready as ever,
For you and your perfection…
And an unread message.
Caytlin Rae Jul 2014
Three words
Two hearts
One scared girl.

Afraid to fall
Afraid to let go
Afraid to love.

One boy
Who makes it easy...
I'm learning to love again.

Because each time you look at me,
I fall a little more...

Because each time you kiss me,
I fall a little more...

Because each time you hold me,
I fall a little more...

And I think this is it,
I've fallen for the boy
With the deep blue eyes
And the deeper soul.

The one who takes my heart
By taking my hand,
And gives me the kind of butterflies
That don't go away.

The one who replaced a doubtful heart
With love
Love
Love...

But how is it possible,
How can I feel this way
After 3 short weeks?

Is it the way you hold me close
While you are fast asleep,
Clinging to me,
Like you think I would leave you?

Or the way your heart beats fast
Whenever I am near you,
Making my chest rise and fall
Quickly just like yours?
Do I feel this way
Because I have to catch my breath,
Whenever you look in my eyes?

Your eyes.
That's it.
They are where I see it,
And I know in my heart
That you feel the same.

So maybe I have the courage to say it,
Because it is the truth,

I love you.
Caytlin Rae Feb 2013
An unwritten story
That will never have words.
A sentence waiting to be spoken
That is never going to be heard.
A quick glance in your eyes,
Just as swiftly, looking away.
Talking to you every day, but
Still not knowing what to say.
Alone time together?
We’re just friends, so it’s fine.
What are you thinking?
That you want to be mine?
I hate that you say you’re imperfect,
Because you’re everything to me.
What more could I love in a person?
What is it that you can’t see?
Hearing your ridiculous laugh
Always brightens up my day.
I’m shutting out these thoughts, though,
Because they’re useless, anyway.
We’ll never be together
You’ll never feel the same.
When I’m gone in August,
You’ll probably forget my name.
Until then, I’ll catch stars in your eyes
Only when you cannot see.
I will write some rhymes and poems
About what could never be.
Caytlin Rae Feb 2013
Home,
I’m going home,
Words I hear all the time.
Words that I envy,
Syllabic distress…
Jealousy.
What is home?
For you, it’s the place
You’ve lived for eighteen years.
The place where both parents
Welcome you with open arms.
Laughter
Smiles
Hugs
Kisses
That’s not my life.

What is home?
The place where I moved
When I was thirteen?
A brown shingled roof that hides
Hurt, divorce, a mixed family
That will never get along?
Screaming, yelling, fighting,
Something different every time, and
They wonder why I want to leave
Caytlin Rae Sep 2014
I wonder what you’re
Looking at
When you’re
Looking at
Me.

Because when I look at you,
I look at the world in one person,
Spinning around
Rotating in my mind
As if nothing else matters.

When I look at you,
I see nervous hands
And anxious smiles
From our awkward first date,
A quiet boy with not
A whole lot to say
Yet.

I look at confidence,
Yours and mine,
Because you tell me
I am beautiful
Each and every day.

I look at a smile
Forming on your lips,
Subconsciously,
Resting on your
Strong jawline.

I look at eyes…
Ocean blue
That I drown in for hours,
The kind of drowning
That I don’t want
To be
Saved from.
Ocean eyes
Rocking me slowly
To sleep.

I look at cuddling,
Late at night,
(Because you always fall asleep first)
And the way you grind your teeth
While you sleep.

I look at hands,
Rough and calloused,
Holding mine tight.
Rubbing thumbs
Absentmindedly.
And you have no idea
How wonderful
That feels.

I look at kisses…
The kind that make
My
Heart
Stop
Beating
Momentarily,
Because you take my breath away.

I look at laughter,
Full and goofy,
Throwing your head back
And squirming around
While I tickle your sides,
And you tickle my heart.

I look at comfort.
The kind that’s hard to find,
Because you always know
When something is wrong,
Sometimes before I do.
You hold me tight in your arms,
And everything
Will be
Okay.

I look at the future
Because this time,
I know it’s real,
And I know
You
Are the one that is
Meant to walk this
Journey alongside
Me.

And now,

I wonder what you’re
Looking at
When you’re
Looking at
Me.

— The End —