you said “i feel us starting to grow distant.”
and i shrug and you frown and i think i might start to cry.

we’ve never had a balance.
first i’m head over heels for you and now you won’t leave me alone.

when we first met i didn’t think this would happen at all.
you’re a little older than me and we both have different priorities.

i don’t know if this’ll work out because it feels like you’re millions of miles away.
and even if i ran forever i would never get to where you are.

you have so much potential, no one knows what to expect from me except disappointment.
you seem to expect much more than that.

what do you want? you’re never honest.
what do i want? neither am i.

i don’t know if we’ll ever make it as far as we’re dreaming.
right now you’re mine and i pray that i love you as if i had nothing else to live for.

and i drown myself in all your praises and deny the existence of heartache.
you love me unconditionally and i'm so so scared.

you comfort me, make me smile.
i hate what i'm doing. i make myself cry.

sooner or later we’ll fall apart.
i’ll fall apart.

Jane stood
in a field of kale
waist high
gazing toward

the Downs
you stood beside her
your hands
just touching

fingers feeling
warmth
cows nearby mooing
we’ll have to go up there

in the summer holidays
she said
take a picnic
mum’ll pack

it for us
she likes you
you gazed at her
sideways on

her dark hair
tied with ribbon
her grey coat
buttoned to the neck

coming to her knees
that’ll be good
you said
I went with my dad

way over one day
while he was working
amongst the trees
and I found small skeletons

amongst the fallen leaves
don’t what it was of though  
probably a squirrel
Jane said

or rabbit
did it look like
it could have been
a rabbit?

no idea
you said
it was small
could have been

a squirrel I guess
I put it in a glass tank
along with chalk rocks
with sea fossils inside

she nodded and smiled
she held your hand tighter
and she drew you
though the kale

toward the edge
of the field
where cows
were eating

the fenced off
kale crop  
and you walked
onto the dusty road

between hedgerows
and down the lane
by your cottage
the lane narrow

the hedges full of birds
and song
and you sensed
her hand in yours

her fingers thin
entwined with your fingers  
and on you walked
by the small stream

at the side
the smell
of the farm
in the air

the cows
and hay
and she there
beside you

her hand
and your hand
her coat sleeve
brushing against

your arm
her eyes
full of dark beauty
her lips slightly open

no words just breath
on the air
and you feeling
that joy of just

being alive
and being there.

Will you meet me
   Under the willow tree before dawn,
      Take my hand and walk the crooked path
         That leads to the bank above the brook?

We'll touch earth's dewy blanket with fingertips
   As crisp morning air pinches our ankles and the napes of our necks,
      Spread a blanket of our own and sit
         Cross-legged with upturned palms and open hearts,
            A yearning for spiritual things...

We'll read to one another from holy books –
   Awareness, Unity, Love, Peace...
      Meditate to the sound of cicadas and frogs,
         Gurgling water
            And our own breathing.

We'll wait.
   For the Great Spirit,
      For insight and guidance,
         For the warmth of the Sun.

I long to meet you, to greet the day with you
   My confidant, my best friend.
      What a privilege to be at this place at this time,
         Sharing my sacred journey with you,
            Listening and learning about yours.

Will you meet me
   Under the willow tree before dawn?
      Take my hand.

Didn’t tell you
my boyfriend’s
in prison did I?
Julie said

As you walked
through Leicester Square
having met her
off the bus

from the hospital
where she had to stay
for her drug habit
(her parents

being doctors
had her locked away
as best they could)
no you didn’t

you replied
taking note
of her tightly tied
ponytail

her eyes unfocused
the summery dress
long and colourful
got caught with drugs on him

in a raid
she said
o I see
you said

do you get to see him?
you asked
hoping not
wishing the ******

to be locked up good
no
she said
he’s too far away

for me to get to
in the period
I have free
from the hospital

and besides
he’s not really
my boyfriend
more an acquaintance

she sat in a seat
near a cinema
and stared
at passersby

you sat beside her
remembering the times
your old man
had brought you here

as a kid to see the nightlife
or go to the cinema
for some film
he had to see

or some famous actor
or actress he said
he thought
might be there

I’ve brought you
some cigarettes
you said
o you are a dear

she said
and kissed your cheek
and took the packet
and opened it up

there and then
and took one out
and lit it
with a plastic light

from her pocket
did you want one?
she asked
no you have them

you said
and so she sat
and smoked
and in between puffs

and exhalations
she spoke of her parents
and the hospital
and the staff there

and how she still remembered
that time she took you
in that small room
off the hospital ward

and did things
as she put it
and laughed
and the smoke

went up
and the people
went by
and you sat

watching her
taking in her hands
and fingers
the cigarette

between them
the eyes still dull
and bluish
or greenish

depending how
the sunlight caught them
and your cheek
still wet where her lips

had been
and the blue of sky
and the nearby park
with flowers

and grass flushed
with green.

Monica had a sulky expression
and pouted her lips
you watched her
as you waited

for her brothers
to come out
of the farmhouse
they won’t let me

come ride bikes with you
she said
but I can ride a bike
I have my own

she leaned against the fence
one foot resting
on a cross beam
it’s not up to me

who goes on bike rides
you said
but you could say
you want me along

she said
you do want me
to come along
don’t you?

why do girls do that?
you asked yourself
looking beyond her
to the farmhouse

hoping the boys
would show soon
eh?
she muttered

don’t you?
if your brothers
are ok with it
I don’t mind

you said
but they won’t
say that will they?
she said

folding her arms
and giving you
the big stare
maybe if you ask your mother

they might
you suggested
seeing her lips set
in a thin line

where a smile
should have been
she’ll side with them
Monica said

you’re too young to ride
with the boys she’ll say
Monica mimicked
in a motherly type voice

she put down her foot
from the fence
and walked toward you
you noticed she was wearing

a green dress
with flowers across
her small bust
she stood in front of you

her hands wrestling
with each other
I want to go with you
she said softly

please say yes
and they’ll listen to you
you studied her features
the way she tilted her head

and the eyes
how they searched you
the farmhouse door opened
and the boys came out

excitedly getting on their bikes
and riding up toward you
run along a play Monica
Pete said

yes go play
with your doll and pram
Jim said
I want to ride with you

she said
Benedict wants me to
she added
giving you a staring gaze

no he don’t
Pete said
he thinks you’re a pain
in the ***

no he doesn’t
she said
he said he wants me to go
Jim laughed and Pete said

sure he did
like he wants you
to kiss his ***
now go off and play

she looked at you
her eyes deepening
I don’t mind
you said

she isn’t coming
Jim said
now go away
or I’ll call Mum

and see what she says
Monica poked out her tongue
and walked away
the boys began peddling

their bikes as you did yours
but looking back
toward the farmhouse
you saw her give

a one finger up you sign
before she went indoors.

Crash into me
with the fury of the waves
of a wild sea that drowns
the whole town
and the wrath of the flames
of a volcano that lights up
the night skies

I put the "fun" in dysfunctional, the "hot" in psychotic.