I try to move but i cant find the strength
I cut myself deep and now i bleed the pain out
I cant function and i dont know where to focus
Im reaching out but everything is just so far away
My body is slowly giving up
Everything is moving away
Inside myself i feel it all crack
All i ever had, is now hard to get back
I feel it all disappearing
All the damage is breaking me
My fears are all taking over me
I wanna escape the darkness
But the darkness is inside me
Im actually going nowhere..
Im slowly losing myself
Im being stretched as i try to think
And im being torn as i try to repair my pieces
My muscles are tense
And then they become knotted
My blood is thinning out
And then it escapes
My veins are shot
And then they snap
My bones are weak
And then they shatter
My heart is giving up
And then it breaks
I lost strength
I feel empty
I lost feeling
I feel the dizziness
I lost interest
I feel different
I lost my mind
I feel nothing.

Who was i to think that beauty would always win
The redness within my cheeks were quick to fool with an innocent grin
Who was i to think i was smart
I grew but i wasnt tall; my attitude
was above everyones level and i made everyone fall
Who was i to think i would be so strong
I grew my body with thorns to think i was able to fight my enemy and make them gone
A natural beautiful scent,
Not knowing when the stem will be bent
A garden so colourful, but i couldnt fit in
I couldnt grow the way i wanted
I couldnt help myself the way i needed
I hated myself for leaving with the wind
I hated myself for leaning towards the darkness
I lost the sun, the rain, and the grass
I wanted to be good, but my mind watered me down the wrong path
I drowned and never came back
When the colour fades,
I want to hide my face
When the thorns fight me back,
I take all the attacks
When the petals fall,
My body weakens itself and stalls
When the stem finally breaks,
I knew i couldnt stop my mistakes

No space to move.
No room to breathe.
Im held inside myself;
Im locked up inside myself;
& my mind controls me.
Its like my blood is turning into soil.
Its like my bones are rotting.
& my body is slowly getting weak.
& my body is slowly losing its strength.
& my body is slowly losing control of the mind.
Disconnected;
My mind is slowly failing.
Its hard to breathe;
Because everything is caving in on me.
I wish there was another door to go through,
Because Ive been locked inside through the other end.
So claustrophobic;
No air can enter through me.
& when it does passes;
It just blows me down to the ground.
Im not seen.
Im not mentally alert.
Im so lost inside myself.
Im so dead inside myself.
See me as I am.
I am what you see.
But inside Im so invisible.
My mind is so mental.
My strength has turned to weakness.
& inside Im so closed in.
Its like my body is the coffin;
That gained solid to trap me up inside.
& I cannot breathe;
Because there is no air.
& I cannot see;
Because there is no opening to see.
& I cannot move;
Because my body & mind is locking up my spirit inside.
Im lost.
Im hidden.
Im buried inside my body.
& Ive pushed myself way too deep;
So deep,
I cannot get out.

The room gets heated with a candle that will burn our stress away
The Himalayan lamp clears the toxic air for us to breathe harder
Suddenly I felt his lips tickling my neck until his teeth became aggressive
Then I felt his tongue take control only to cover my whole body
He wasn’t even naked yet, and I already felt him piercing me
I suddenly saw him putting me in handcuffs; making sure I only move
from the touch of his body
His kisses stopped at my stomach, then made his tongue finish the rest
His fingers were as powerful as the tool below his waist
I felt like I was walking on the ceiling when his shoulders met my ankles
He took advantage of my flexibility,
and lowered himself to my lips
The pain turned into pleasure as my head hung off the bed
Breaking my fall, he grabbed my throat till
my vocal chords bled
I felt a pull; it was his hands
Gripping me tight to hear more sounds
Suddenly I tried to catch my breath,
With his mouth wrapped around my neck
I felt two pleasures at once
So a straddle from my legs;
A push from my heels;
A squeeze from my knees;
Making sure he went deeper
We beat that temperature;
We made it hotter than the burning candle

Caged prisoner was in the past
I was dead inside my own body
I locked the door behind me because i didnt want to know how to escape
And so i buried the key
Like a caterpillar, im so slow
Most of all my strength was not fast
Going knowhere;
I just gave up
As the sun opened my eyes,
I knew i had to move on
This was the end
I undid everything from my mind
My chains
My thoughts
My scars
I unleashed myself and started to grow again
I had to learn to be trapped,
So that i can move again
I was closed in
But my body woke up
My mind turned on
I took my first breath
And the darkness around me,
Melted to colours
I finally took a proper breath
I finally opened my tight eyes
The trembling heart in my body,
Finally stable
My confused brain finally functions
No more worries
No more fears
No more drama
No more self mutilation
No more hating the mirror
Strength grew on me once again
I escaped the negativity
I undid the cocoons i once was in
My colours blind the evil
I moved fast away from it all
Now im in the sky,
Watching everything i once missed
That i didnt know from before
Butterfly;
Im finally free

Why was it created
Why did start
Why was it intended to destroy beautiful hearts
Why all the migraines
Why all the *****
Why all the dizziness
Something isnt right
Why all the confusion
Why all blurriness
Why all the signs
A need to start a fight
Why so many appointments
Why so many doctors
Why so many medications
Losing the mind
Why all the weakness
Why all the tension
Why all the frustrations
Barely holding on tight
Why so much pressure
Why so much stress
Why so much emotions
Why is the body trying to hide
Why the missing hair
Why all the weight loss
Why the spirit getting eaten up
Why is everyone starting to cry
Why all the pain
Why all the anger
Why all the suffering
Barely surviving life
Why did we lose
Why did the body pause
Why does this exist
Why do golden hearts stop

A feeling of migraines meant its stress,
But one time it meant a sign of something wrong
A feeling of confusion meant being forgetful,
A feeling of exhaustion meant not enough sleep,
But one time it meant all the energy was drained
But one time it meant the brain isnt thinking properly
A feeling of being sick meant its just the flu,
But one time it meant a diagnostic
Visitation at the hospital meant the strength will pick back up,
But one time it meant the weakness took over
Visitation at the hospital meant hope for getting back to normal,
But one time it meant praying for good health
Visitation at the hospital meant everything would be ok,
But one time it meant the worse is yet to come

Coming home meant no more worries
But one time, it meant that there was nothing more that could have been done
Coming home meant happiness
But one time it meant sadness
Coming home meant get some rest
But one time it meant going to sleep forever
Coming home meant recovering
But it actually meant dying..

With your face on my neck, I felt those teeth digging inside like a vampire
Couldn’t breathe as you ******,
and still couldn’t  breathe when you took your mouth off
Those marks left me bruised throughout my body
I suddenly felt a tickle throughout my skin
Your fingers were wandering on a naked canvas that only you can paint on
You coloured my neck, that now bleeds down below my waist
That canvas had a tunnel;
you found your way inside to paint in a dark secret place
I felt every stroke, grasping my insides
while your tongue tried to catch the drips
You finally undressed; revealing a bigger paintbrush
Then I felt every inch before you even started put it to use
Your gentle touch brought me down; placing me how you wanted me to look on the bed
I was a model ready to get ruined
A beautiful disaster was waiting to happen

I felt like you broke me
Felt like you ruined me
That brush punctured me
Those pieces were released from me
Then my breathing finally slowed down on me
That blank canvas had your signature design,
with my clear, liquid paint
that splattered everywhere

Beginnings are so happy
We think nothing will get in the way
We think it will last forever
We think nothing will ever change
Day after day
Its a routine
To smile, to laugh
Without any worry
Night after night
Kisses before we leave
With love and appreciation
Tomorrow there would be more light to see
Week after week
Coming home, straight to the bedroom
No time to say hi or talk
Only coming down when there is food
Month after month
Different emotions in the day
Happy at night
Noone knows whats going on
And there was nothing to say
Year after year
Everyday the anger and going out of control
Everyday the disappearance
Everyday a story had to be told
Good to bad
Calm to angry
What was happening
Noone knew
A sudden change that bursted
Now its someone knew
Happy to sad
Nice to mean
A weakened heart, a weakened soul
An unknown life that was waited to unfold

Im unable to swallow,
Im unable to breathe.
I feel like there is a thousand knives stuck in my throat;
Just going deeper & deeper,
Cutting off my circulation.
I have no strength to open up my airway.
I have no strength to stop the blood from escaping my body.
It burns;
Im trying to breathe,
But I appear to choke.
Im in so much pain;
Each knife feels like a set of hands;
Strangling me tighter & tighter,
Each time everything gets worse.
Everything is trying to enter me all at once.
Its too much for me to swallow;
& everything gets lodged inside.
I have forgotten how to breathe,
& I have forgotten how to swallow.
My heart is getting weaker.
Its slowing down.
My blood has turned cold,
& stopped the flow through my body.
My skin has suddenly gone numb.
My fingers & toes wont stop tingling.
Everything is happening all at once.
Cant swallow,
Cant spit it back out.
I just need to finally give up.
Just allow everything to take away my freedom to breathe.
Its all becoming more of a struggle.
Struggling for air;
Gasping,
Helpless,
In need to breathe.
In need to reach out,
But unable to swallow.

The darkness closed my eyes and made me go blind
Then i saw everything i feared inside of my head
My nightmares had me scared and then my heart suddenly raced
Once the nightmares were actually true, i started to hyperventilate
I felt all my anxiety as i tried to undo the strangulation
But i didnt know whats strangling me
I didnt know whats squeezing me
The darkness is all around me
Now my fears are bothering me
My thoughts wont leave me
My thoughts want me bleeding
Im trying to save myself from unbreathing
Im feeling my heart jump as i try to calm my nerves
Im feeling my breathing stop as i open my mouth and try to scream
Im feeling my eyes pop as i try to block the static
Im feeling my skin move as i try to sew my pieces back together
Im feeling my bones break as i try to hold myself together
Im black & blue
Im cold but im numb
Im broken & shattered
Im hyperventilating but im choking
Im scared & lost
Im fighting but im struggling
Im losing & its tiring
Im giving up but i wanna break off my fears from my neck

I heard a click that was ready to collapse
He grabbed my hands and bent my body back
What I heard, turned into what I felt
His grip was tight before I yelled
That click that I heard, guided my skin to his lips
Then he brought his head & mouth to my
hips
Then he locked me; he wouldnt let me even if I could
My arms stayed above my head, and shackled to the wood
He undid the buttons, the zippers &
strings
He continued to wet my body with his lips
His hands were free, while mine were cuffed
He made sure that click was turning into something rough

The hands on the clock are in control
The type of control that can last for hours
Every second counts
Every minute is never wasted
And every hour theres alot to do
Every second is when I lose track of the kisses, thats being placed on me
Every minute is when Im impatient to have my soul stripped from being naked
Every hour I want more
I gather my thoughts just like you gather yours
The numbers that mean the hours,
are things we plan behind closed doors
The hands to the clock is your arms that hold me down
The clock is my body, controlled by your hands
I dont wanna stop the time

When your close with someone
When you love someone
And then they leave you forever
You end up far from them
The feeling of emptiness,
The everything that i had,
Has been taken away from me
Undoing my past
Opening my wounds
Redoing the past
Repeating my bruises
Operating of the heart
Then it failed,
Broken,
Torn,
Weak,
And pail
There was a door,
That should have been locked
But then the door was forced open,
And now your gone
Everywhere i turn,
And everything i do,
It only reminds me of you
But its not the same
Nothing is never the same
Nothing will ever be the same
The love i had was strong
And the pain is making it stronger
Inside my body, my heart is still scarred
But inside my heart you will be forever held
And even the the other half is missing,
I know its with you
Everything you ever owned
Everything you ever touched
Everyone you ever loved
Everything thats around
Your so close
Everytime my heart calls
Everytime my mind thinks
Everytime my eyes cry
Everytime im still wondering where you are
Your so far

Shut everything,
Everyone out
Im giving up slowly
The past is slowly haunting me
Its spinning my body im circles
And so im dizzy everyday
I had fallen so deep into the trap of fear
And then i wonder what im doing here
Am i ready to move on
Am i ready to change
Or will my moods only keep changing
And then i remain unbalanced
If i undo the medicated life, im crazy
If i remain on the medicated life, im still crazy
I can and will never win
Will i ever win back what i once had
Or what i once wanted
When will it end
Never
When will i stop fearing
Never
When will i stop crying
Never
When will i start learning
Never
When will i be normal
Never
When will i breathe on my own again
Never

Its a mixture of emotions
Emotions that wont change
I still wonder why i continued to be insane
Where i stand,
Is the same spot i began with
I cannot erase my footprints if they were always mistakes i didnt change
I wanted to bury my hurts, my scars, and the memories
I wanted to close the doors, the windows, and lights
I wanted to erase the images, the words, and the time
I wanted start over but i strength already died
I didnt know that i was still struggling
I didnt know that i was still weak
I didnt know that i finally lost it all
I didnt know how to speak
I didnt know i still had to fight
I didnt know i was still had to bleed
I didnt know i still had to take pain
I didnt know how to breathe
Some days im fine
But then it all turns on me
I cant see if im blinded by negativity
I cant even breathe if i choke on all the pain
I still think,
And then i worry
I still worry,
And then i get anxiety
I get anxious,
Then i feel the anger
I get angry,
Then i feel the depression
I get depressed,
Then i cry
I feel the tears,
But i dont know why

I wasnt hungry but i starved
I wasnt thirsty but i was dehydrated
I wasnt cold but i was frozen
I wasnt hot but i burned up
I wasnt talking but i screamed
I wasnt listening but i heard
I wasnt seeing but i noticed
I wasnt moving but i was fighting myself
I wasnt breathing but i hyperventilated
I wasnt eating so i swallowed my fears
I wasnt drinking so i drank all the poison
I wasnt keeping warm so i fell in the fire
I wasnt cooling down so i broke the ice on my body
I wast keeping quiet so i zipped my mouth shut
I wasnt plugging my ears so i went deaf
I wasnt turning away so i went blind
I wasnt backing down so i bled myself to sleep
I wast controlling my breathing so i started to confuse it all
Over and over again..

The anger started; & grew fast.
I was going completely crazy.
Depression wouldnt leave me.
& the river of my tears had pushed me out of the house.
Just needed an escape.
& needed to get away.
Just couldnt think anymore of the sickness that has been brought to her;
The hospital which held her.
Told to stay home,
But I didnt want to listen.
I just wanted to stop thinking.
I just needed the pain to leave me.
Left without a word.
Daddy had no control.
The wind quickly pulled me inside,
To drive away from it all.
The restaurant full of happiness,
I was still filled with sadness.
I was still hurting.
I was still bleeding.
I was still thinking.
& then it was over.
The houses invited everyone back in.
But my head forced me to stay out.
I took off, speeding.
The music was blasted;
Crying inside while I took the wheel again.
My silence never died.
It only became stronger.
I knew I couldnt be where I was,
But I just needed to forget what was going on.
Darker & colder;
Time flew by.
Quieter, & lonlier;
5am arrived.
Finally my energy died.
Finally my silence died.
Finally thats where I had lost control.
It became darker when I shut my eyes.
Then I became so careless.
I became invisibly drunk.
The next lane reached for me;
& ****** me in.
It became so silent.
Then became so noisy.
Coulnt think.
Couldnt breathe.
Just couldnt wake up from the nightmare.
Waken;
I was screaming at the top of my lungs.
Still so dark;
I didnt know where I was.
I felt no pain,
Because the sudden shock took over.
I felt so helpless.
I felt so destroyed.
I felt so broken.
& I was actually broken.
Still screaming,
The rescue took forever.
It was the sound of his voice that had tried to calm me down.
& then finally,
I was free;
With the broken vehicle;
That had finally let me go.
I thought immediately that I was going to die.
I felt the cold air,
Just peeling at my skin.
& I was so confused.
The bed held me up;
As I woke up from the tragic event.
Couldnt move;
And I thought I stopped breathing.
I had only my eyes & my ears to guide me.
When the spoke,
I felt so helpless.
I wanted to scream,
But couldnt.
I wanted to talk,
But couldnt.
I wanted to explain,
But couldnt.
Felt so claustrophobic,
With me being crowded.
Felt so heavy,
With the damage trying to heal itself from my body.
I didnt even know how to act anymore.
My memory suddenly failed on me.
& my mentality was so out of control.
Still thought it was a nightmare,
But I actually felt all the pain.
Mentally & physically.
My strength was put into a deep sleep.
& weakness grew stronger on me.
& with a big happening,
I felt so small.
I felt so weird everyday being there.
So many thoughts kept racing through my head.
Slowly;
But so impatient,
My strength waked itself from my body.
& I pushed myself;
Pushed myself to the limit.
Pushed myself too far,
To just get home quicker.
I faked at times.
I just wanted to go home.
& then it was that one day I couldnt stop the smile,
From hurting my cheeks.
It was when she showed her strength in front of my face.
& all her weakness died,
When she put everything aside,
To be so strong for me.
I thought she was angry,
But only the sound of her voice spoke so strong; so happy.
& I didnt even make an effort to ask about the pain within her.
I only saw it in her eyes;
That she was hurting deep inside.
& she was trying so hard to be so strong.
& when she left me each day,
My tears drowned me again.
Another wound on my body that was made.
Waited so impatiently,
I was so angry.
So frustrated.
So depressed.
The more I faked,
The more faster I thought I would leave.
And at the same time,
I pushed myself.
& forced my strength to come back again.
& in my mind,
I was thinking stronger;
To push even harder.
My strength had finally came.
My weakness had finally disappeared.
Back to normal once my body stepped foot into my door.
I felt strong again.
I moved again.
I breathed again.
Physically strong,
But now Im mentally weak.
Its over,
But the memories haunt me.
Memories of everything,
Everyone,
& myself.
No forgiveness is necessary towards myself; just hate..
To damage,
To cause a disaster.
& to cause such pain.
So inside,
Im still in pain.
Still thinking.
Still feeling the same emotions.
Im ok now,
But scarred for life.
Nothing will be invisible.
Im actually not ok.

Broken
Damaged
Shattered
Taken
She lost herself
Depressed
Angry
Anxious
Desperate
She changed drastically
Helpless
Hopeless
Useless
Reckless
She is so not careful
Not normal
Not settled
Not all there
Not perfect
Not sane
She is so weird
Controlling
Ruining
Challenging
Stay away from her
Screaming
Crying
Breaking
Hyperventilating
Insomnia
Bleeding
­She is now a stranger
Fighting,
She lost
Losing,
Shes weak
Weak is her mind,
Her mind is me

Unresponsive as i try to think it through
I try to undo this pain, but i cannot erase what has already been left permanent
Nothing has healed
I know, because im still wounded
Nothing was sealed
I know, because i tried every bandage
Nothing was stitched
I know, because i still bleed
Bruises fade
But the scars remain
I bleed through every tear with every pain
Im drenched in my tears
I drown as i weep
I cannot control the emotions that have a hold on me
The movies in my mind never ends
The pictures in my head never changes
The memories in my brain still wanders
My body suddenly weakens as i try to stand up to myself
I try to be the one to stop it all, but i made it worse
The sadness that i express, creates a pounding heart that shakes
The sadness that i express, creates a shaky heart that breaks
The sadness that i express, creates a broken heart so lost
Lost inside the cage of darkness
The darkness holds me without a key
Without a key, im inside a square
The square with mirrors all watching me
I watch myself try to overcome my fears
I watch myself never allowing to stop my tears

An anxious feeling, that i dont wanna feel
I just wish this all wasnt real
The happiness suddenly fails, and and now my emotions weigh me down
My heart pounds as i try to breathe
My mind is confused as i try to see
I cant talk
I cant mov
I cant hear
All the images that keep rewinding,
Waits to play when im in peace
Im bothered again
And then im disturbed
I cant focus because its all so real
Im underneath the covers as i start to choke & tear
Im hyperventilating
Im so dizzy with all my fears
When the darkness hits, the light just dies
Suddenly i feel my body all wet
Im un-dry as my eyes drip
The salt burns me
The water drowns me
Im drowning in my own pool of tears
Memories never fade
Memories are to cry
Scars are always visible
Scars can never hide
Cuts keep reappearing
Cuts were never healed
Im forever bleeding
The wounds never got sealed

I allowed myself to leave
I left without a sound
I shut the door and locked it
I turned everything upside down
Grieve;
I continue to have sorrow
Thoughts;
I continue to be dangerous
Silence;
I continue to hide
Weakness;
I continue to fight
Memories;
I continue to think
Pain;
I continue to experience my hurts
I wanna wash it all away
I wanna move it all away
I wanna let it all out
I wanna let myself go
If i wash away my wounds will it burn?
If i wash away my thoughts will my memories erase?
If i wash my fears away will my nightmares continue?
If i wash everything with my tears will it all disappear?
If i drown myself in my tears will all the pain go away?..

The first set of cuts has hit me fast.
It started to poke a hole,
But hasnt gone through yet.
The tears went slowly down my face.
The second set of cuts got me struggling.
The hole is a quarter through.
Shaking.
Nervousness.
The tears added speed down my face.
The third set of cuts pierced everything farther;
& made everything even worse.
I thought it was a nightmare.
The hole is half way through.
Ruined,
But alive;
Im ok now,
But scarred for life.
The tears paced down my face.
Now I was cut really deep.
It isnt true when they say that the first cut is always the deepest.
Because this last cut is the deepest.
It has touched a vain so deep;
That hole that was started,
has pierced all the way through.
The tears poured,
& poured nonstop;
Down my face.
Each episode drives me to cry harder & harder every single time something happens.
These mental cuts cannot me controlled.
I feel as if a knife had cut me into pieces;
& the burning sensation left me so confused.
& my room is the hospital;
I make myself poor blood from my body.
I am my own surgeon;
But Im unable to heal these wounds.
& because its so difficult;
Everyday I cry,
Everyday I scream,
Everyday I bleed.
Mentally,
Emotionally,
Physically,
I bleed.
Every single wound,
Will never heal.
Im cut forever.

Everything is sealed inside me.
Everything is trapped inside me.
My head is being played with;
& Im getting mentally exhausted.
Feeling claustrophobic;
& closed up inside.
All the positivity escapes through my mouth as I choke.
While the negativity is held back;
Locked inside my body.
My body temperature is rising;
& I feel like Im going to explode.
I drown myself when Im watered down;
As Im burning like a fire;
But either way Im still destroying myself.
And its like everywhere I turn,
Im completely trapped.
I just need an escape.
I just need to drop all the problems to the ground.
I just need to forget everything.
My head is pounding.
My heart is racing.
My tears are falling.
I cant control myself.
Im getting so frustrated inside.
Im getting so nervous inside.
I wanna just tear my heart outta my chest;
& smash it on the floor.
Because I know Im not strong;
So then it will break.
Just like I break myself.
So I need to undo everything;
I need to let everything free.
For the time being,
For the moment.
I cant help it;
Because I cant take it anymore.
I need to open myself,
& let everything out.
Everything being lodged inside me,
Is making it difficult for me to breathe.
I need air.
I need space.
I need to lose myself.
I need to allow my skin to hemorrhage.
I need to allow my blood to carry out everything out of my body.
I wanna be left dizzy.
I wanna be left unstable.
I wanna be left trying to fight the problems away.
So with a knife;
Leave me on my own.
Leave me weak without strength.
Theres no other way.

Fallen apart,
Broken;
Bleeding through my scars.
Torn,
Shattered,
Bruised through my bones.
Im so weak;
Unstrong;
Without anymore strength.
Im just drained from everything.
Im just hurting from everything.
& Im drowning in my own tears.
I try to swim against my waves that I have created,
But I appear to sink.
I am my own enemy;
Because I gave myself no support.
& I threw out my own strength;
By fighting against myself.
In the end my arms bleed.
In the end my head is spinning.
& in the end my body is the one that leaves.
Im just a puzzle that noone can ever put together;
Because I have sliced my body in pieces.
& the one piece that is missing is my head.
I have just lost it.
I have just broke apart from it;
Because it is somewhere else,
While my body lays here;
In weakness.
& Im so helpless;
So hopeless.
I cannot control whats destroying me.
I cannot control whats breaking me.
I cannot put myself together again,
Because I am damaged

I had to learn to control my anger
It turned into danger
When i get angry
Im thought as a drama queen
When my voice is raised
But noone understands
When my body throws itself against the wall
People think im crazy
When i throw things across the room
They think im a maniac
When im hyperventilating
They think im overreacting
When i cry
They just laugh
I picked up my own pieces with some help
I dont want to be broken again
I finally spoke
Dont try to shut me up
I finally opened my eyes
Dont try to cover them
I finally came back to life when i nearly killed myself
Dont make me start over again
Im sane
When i was insane
Im medicated
Do you want me to stop now
Move away from my anger
I can turn into danger
Stay back
Dont speak
Dont look
Dont even breathe
Mind over power
My brain rescues me
Heart over people
My body protects me
Do you remember when she screamed
Do you remember when she cried
Do you remember when she ran out
Do you remember when she wanted to die
Undo yourself from your stupid thoughts
Undo yourself from trying to control me
Talk to me about what you think
And ill pretend im even listening
I wont listen
Im not weak anymore
Im strong enough to fight the pain away
Try to break me;
Try to snap me;
I will only bend like an elastic;
wrapping the nonsense right out of your brain
Dont draw these thoughts again
I broke your pencil
Do you want to test my strength again

Only my thoughts,
Cause so much drama between myself and I.
Only my eyes see what I will do.
& my actions are controlled from my brain.
My heart is just beating so fast;
Screaming for it not to begin.
While my head doesnt want it to end.
I just cant explain the pressure.
I just cant explain the pain.
My mind has me locked up.
My mind has me like a prisoner,
Who cannot escape.
Cannot escape my fears.
Cannot escape the pain.
And cannot escape the depression.
I cannot be calm.
Everything is just getting to me.
I cannot just ignore.
Everything is asking for attention,
& I cannot stop.
My energy is taking over.
Its when Im triggered,
I just go outta control.
Then at that moment,
My body temperature rises.
Im boiling with anger.
Then at that very moment,
My heart is in danger for a heart attack;
Speeding up will finally make me lose control.
Then at that very moment,
Im hyperventilating;
Just trying to catch my breath.
& then at that very moment,
Im so focused when I think.
I know my plan.
Im know what I need to do next.
Cant think.
Cant breathe.
Will not stop.
Im so convinced,
That its the only way out.
Yet at that very moment,
Im so dizzy.
Im so relaxed.
& Im just laying here;
Not caring.
Not listening.
Turned my back on my heart,
& turned to my head for guidance.
& Im so focused.
Finally I lay here,
Arm dripping,
Bleeding the pain away.
This is how I escape;
This is the only way out.

There were many times I loved my fears more than feeling safe
There were many times I never showed love, only hate
There were many times I worshipped my nightmares over my dreams
There were many times I chose insomnia instead to sleep
There were many times I put aside my happiness only to be angry
There were many times I put myself in danger to please my anxiety
There were many times I needed that alcohol; bring drunk over sober
There were many times I left home to reveal all kinds of exposure
There were many times I chose the knife over my friends
There were many times I wanted to call it quits, before starting the meds

My eyes are blurry and i choose not to see
I always hoped when they open, everything would go back to normal
But its like a waterfall; pouring all over me
Im drenched and cold from the liquid that takes over me
The drops that fell on the floor were for me to slip and fall
The puddles that were made for me to ignore a reflection
I took the drops and i made the puddles
I took the puddles and i made an ocean
The ocean that i was forced to swim in, but then i drowned
And when i drowned, was when i couldnt take no more

I felt closed in as a tried to breathe
I couldnt walk without tripping over my own feet
In a room full of anger;
A room full of emptiness.
But in the dark i was able to see better
And because i saw in the dark,
I saw what i didnt wanna see
I heard what i didnt wanna hear
And i breathed how i didnt wanna breathe
I saw my fears
I heard the noises
I saw the flashbacks
I heard my screams
I felt my chest so tight
The darkness showed me reality
And in the light, everything was hidden
I searched for answers
Answers that i needed to find
My questions were always ignored
I couldnt help myself when i was blind
My arms tried to feel around to see if there was anything sharp to pierce the pain
And then i found my way to quiet my tears
A way that i can no longer hear my screams
I cannot see the danger
I can only feel my fears
If i try to seek the light , i know i will get burned
I stay in the darkness and i see everything
My fears
My memories
My habits
My weakness
My struggles
My emotions
The mirror, in pieces

All around me is unknown
Nothing looks familiar
Nothing looks alive
And i dont see the mirrors that shows me into different paths
All i see is the one dark road that im forced to take
I walk through my fears,
Not knowing whats next
I have been through enough
I already failed the test
I dont wanna continue
I dont wanna fall
I dont wanna remember
I just want to forget it all
I stand frozen;
I cannot move
I stand still;
I cannot walk
I stand alone;
Im so lost
When will this nightmare be over
Finally i walk, im starting to move through this place
But as i walk, i wish i had turned back
The black roses pull me in
Their thorns pierce me as i start to bleed
This is where i lose all my weakness
The trees keep pushing me forward
And im being dragged by the bushes
Im so trapped; i just wanna leave this terror
Im hungry for strength, not the poison berries
Now i cannot breathe as i take in the dangerous fruit
My air is leaking,
My lungs are collapsing
As i try to cut it all out;
Its rebelling to come out of my system
Am i having a nightmare?
Or is this true?
Im hallucinating and cannot tell the difference;
Im so confused
There was never any sun
Inside this place, the sky is only the moon that it all comes out and fears me
The shadows of the monsters got me screaming for help
But deep inside the monsters are deep within myself

When i woke up, i got knocked out
When i got up, i got knocked down
When i rolled over, i got kicked
When i moved, i got trapped
When i opened my eyes, the light was too bright
When i dimmed the lights, the darkness arrived
When the darkness arrived, my mind was alive
When my mind was alive, thats when i started to cry
I wanted nothing
I had everything
I needed everything
But everything was nothing
I enjoyed the black walls that were forced to make me happy
I enjoyed the darkness that trained me to hate and hurt me
I enjoyed the drama that was a tornado in my life
I enjoyed those times when i picked up a knife
Negative energy that i had created
Everything that i ever thought about;
I just couldnt understand why there were no colours
I just couldnt understand why i had to suffer
I would be angry
I would cry
I would be violent
I would have thoughts to die
What if i ran
What if i hid
What if i disappeared
What if i didnt want to live
The anxiety;
I was always worried
The fear;
I was always scared
The yelling;
I was always angry
The depression;
The tears were always there
I questioned myself everyday
At night i wasnt allowed to answer
In my dreams i wished for no more
In my nightmares i was forced to lock my door
I just wasnt allowed to breathe
I just wasnt allowed to see
I just wasnt allowed to hear
I just wasnt allowed to speak
I couldnt breathe, because i was choking in my sleep
I couldnt see, because i was blinded from the light
I couldnt hear, because i was yelling with fear
I couldnt speak, because in the darkness i had noone to talk to
Noone but myself
Exactly- noone

Im floating inside my own body;
I died within my soul
My spirt lifted high, and now im stuck inside my own sorrow
Outside i couldnt take no more
I couldnt take no more life
I breathed in too much *******
Now the air i breathed had polluted my lungs; and now its stuck deep inside
My heart is black now
So then i realized that the red heart was a target;
And the blood within had been punctured, then ****** out.
So now im so empty
I have no more strength inside me
When i try to fight, i just break myself
And then i fall and i cant get back up
Now im inside a hole
Its so dark; its so black
I feel like im stuck because i have nowhere to run
Im at the bottom of it all
And i cannot get myself out; i buried myself too deep
Now i cannot breathe
The feelings that got hurt was cut into my skin and then like a big scar that cover my body
I want to escape but i cant
Im the one who put up these walls; these walls that closes me in
Im the one that closed my door; the one that i locked myself in
Im the one who used a knife; that made me bleed, and made me fight
Im the one who abused the mirror; and changed my moods when i look deep inside
Im the one that opened my own eyes;
That whenever i cry, everything that was deep, had been thrown up outside

Unclothed, he throws me down
I feel a force that I just wont say no to
Then I feel a stinging on my neck,
That made me put scratches down his back
Suddenly is reach was fast as those silver rings tighten around my wrists
He made sure that he was the one in control as his lips travelled on my skin
His head kept getting lower
My heart rate only got faster
He was making me wait by teasing
The ******* of his tongue tricked me
I wanted the ******* of whats under his clothes
But I just wasn’t allowed to move
I wanted to undo his clothes like he undid mine
Why the punishment for making me wait
He wanted the screams;
Silence was full of hate
It wasnt a game anymore
He finally covered the floor with his clothes
I heard a whisper;
“The game hasn’t even started”
Then finally I felt the bed move
I felt my body indented
I felt my skin covered
I felt my blood boiling
I felt my heart rate rise
And my screams got louder
My belly button had been touched from the inside;
And I felt him digging through a cave that is secret from the world
He was all up in my ribs

I had a sweet tooth for awhile;
A crave that wouldn’t leave
I was impatiently waiting to undress a wrapper
that was made from material,
a straw made from skin,
and a bottle made from a body
My sweet tooth turned into thirst
Thirst for that sugary drink that waits for its release
The darkness locked the door
Appearing naked; to throw my knees to the floor
His hands were my hair-tie;
And made sure his eyes weren’t blind
He viewed me close like a movie
Parted were my lips;
I started giving him that upside down kiss
The floor of my mouth was walked on
My tongue detached from me
My lips became numb
My tonsils got inflamed
My throat became scratched
I swallowed, but it wasn’t food

I never cry for no reason
The tears never leak without a push
The greatest sadness depends on the mind, body, & soul
Before these tears, I try to fight
Then theres a push on my lungs that moves up to my throat
Anxiety has arrived;
It never goes
My throat locked itself from the air that passes through
I tried to breathe one last time, but my strength was too dry
So finally, I cried

Allow me to escape.
I wanna just forget everything;
& leave everything behind me.
I need to disappear;
Run from all the problems.
I need to erase myself from everything.
I dont wanna be seen anymore.
I cant look at myself in the mirror anymore;
Allow me to shatter it to pieces.
I wanna be invisible on the floor;
So I can step all over myself,
Step on my chest to stop breathing.
I wanna just end my heart;
End myself.
End my life.
Its too much to handle.
Im going crazy.
I need to be distant from everything & everyone.
I just dont know what to do anymore.
Im unable to control myself;
& everything around me.
I wanna close my eyes,
& never wake up.
I wanna lock myself away from the world;
Throw away the key,
& hide where noone can find me.
Now I need to carve a button on my skin with a knife;
Called delete.
& when I press on it,
I slowly bleed my life away.

Why am i weak when i used to be strong
Why am i depressed when i used to be happy
Why am i scared when i used to be brave
Why the anxiety when i used to me stable
Why the anger when i used to be calm
Why did i forget when i used to remember
Why am i hurting myself when i didnt know what a weapon looked like
& im a puppet on invisible strings
I continue to be pressured into negativity
All my strength has been stolen from me
My body is a trade for a living monster
Im slowly disappearing
When i use violence is when im trying to make them leave
But they know how to fight
When i run, im actually walking
But they know how to slow me down
When i sink, is when im trying to drown my demons
But they know how to swim

My happiness was a like a fever,
The drugs brought it down.
& the drugs represent the problems that revolved around me.
And there wasnt even a beginning.
So lost;
Unable to reveal where it started.
& Ive been bleeding from day one.
Everything just turned so dark.
I dont even know how to see anymore.
Because happiness is hidden,
& I fear it is lost forever.
Im so trapped inside myself,
That I lost the key to my spirits.
So I locked myself away forever.
The red rose turned black.
The blue sky turned grey.
The green grass turned brown.
And there is no more sun.
I just cant change emotions.
The frown is what Im used to.
And my tears is what I keep drowning in.
Im so torn.
Im so confused.
Im so lost.
Im so tired inside my head.
I wanna undo this pain forever,
But I dont know how.
I wanna heal these wounds,
But they wont close.
I wanna stop these tears,
But they keep falling.
There is nothing to stop this pain.
There is nothing to stop my tears.
There is nothing to stop my mind from bringing me down.
There is nothing to stop this emotion from continuing.
My mind,
Is driving me insane.
I wanna escape this misery.
There is no meaning in my life.
God just let me go.

Like the colour black,
It has taken white's place;
Right in front of my eyes.
It has washed away my ability to see the future,
& while everyone steps into the light,
I still remain trapped in the darkness.
I force myself to think the sky is always grey,
As I stare at the ground.
People notice the blue sky;
Because they keep their heads up,
While Im always facing down.
Energy & strength was forced out of my body;
Because Im always behind,
When people are ahead of me.
They walk fast,
While I walk slow.
When everyone is talking,
I face the other way.
I refuse to let out a sound,
So I choose to stay quiet.
I keep myself locked up inside;
No interest in stepping out the door.
I have forgotten what the wind feels like.
I have forgotten how hot the sun is.
& I have forgotten the smell of nature.
I dream of horror.
Everything is dark & black.
I only see sadness & hopelessness,
Like I see everyday.
I only notice what haunts me.
& Im just watching scary movies every night;
But with my eyes closed.
I just disguise myself,
So noone notices me.
I just keep my arms covered,
To save people from talking.
My moods are always down.
They never boost up high.
& so Im always drowning;
Because Im always crying.
& even though Im walking down a hall,
I feel as if Im walking through a dark path,
That has been pulled out of my nightmares.
& Whenever I enter my room,
I feel as if Im re-entering a cage that Im unable to escape from.
I feel always at fault
I feel always embarrassed
I feel always no self-respect,
Or self-esteem
I feel the need to escape
I feel the need to hide
I feel the need to cry
I feel the need to die

From the world,
To the mind
Inside the brain,
My body is restrained
Undoing the strength
That was turned into weakness
Disconnected picture;
Broken soul into pieces
Heart of glass;
Now has shattered
Mind of stone;
Now had broken
Body of a tomb;
Now had been open
Soul of an angel;
My wings had disappeared
Goodbye to the future
Hello to the past
Confused for the present
Nothing is going to last
Rewinding over and over again
Because im all broken
Forwarding precious times
My memory escaped me
Undo my kindness
Im injected with bitterness
Undo my thoughts
Im injected with black images
Break away,
Flew away,
Stayed away forever
Wings are gone,
Im no longer one.
My body is cut up in pieces
Still broken
Still blown away
My soul is shattered to pieces
Always broken
Wont return
My mind is chipped to pieces
Into the mind,
No more world
No longer together as one
Away forever,
Forever gone.
I am so undone
Disconnected body
Disconnected soul
Disturbed mind
Im forgetting who i am
Disconnected body
Disconnected soul
Disturbed mind
Im being pulled away from it all

Yellow leaves fall to the ground
The trees feel naked,
They have invisible frowns
The colour orange has the pumpkins all bright,
Inside was torn apart,
As the candles shine bright
When the moon comes up
When the lights need to turn off,
Then underneath the sky;
Has people dressed up
The music is loud, its creepy
The volume is high so everyone could scream
Night of terror
Darkness of screams
We fear
We fight
We run
We smile
We laugh
We hide
We hold on tight
Or we dont need to hold on at all
Some scared
Others dont
Some have fun
And others stay home
From the morning to night,
Were being controlled
From the sun to the moon,
We do as were told
Everyday we appear good;
Until that one night we turn our heads like a new stranger takes over our souls
Like it escapes as we sleep in our beds
This is the day,
This is the night
The king of darkness rejoices
His party,
His world
And then the excitement, excited with noises
Red tail
Red horns
Red clothing
Red pitchfork
We cant see,
But we can notice
We cant hear,
But we find the screams
We cant feel
But the cold is on our skin
Red liquid, but the blood is fake
Scary masks, but underneath is a real face
Tricks or treats, everyone can play,
Just remember to keep your eyes open on halloween day

I was blind,
And it showed me the dark
I was deaf,
And it made me hear all the lies
I couldnt breathe,
And it made me hyperventilate
I couldnt speak,
And it made me scream with fear
I couldnt move,
But it made me fall
I couldnt feel,
But it made me feel pain
I couldnt face with myself,
But it made me answer to my enemy
When i saw the dark,
It made me change
When i heard all the lies,
It made me believe
When I hyperventilated,
It made me lose control
When i screamed,
It made me go crazy
When i fell,
It made me trap myself
When i felt the pain,
It made me hurt myself more
When i answered to my enemy,
I forgot who i was
When i trapped myself,
It broke the lock
When i hurt myself,
It gave me more weapons
When i forgot who i was,
It brainwashed me completely
When the lock was broken,
It made sure i was stuck forever
When i had more weapons,
I was always bleeding the problems away
When i was brainwashed,
I was no longer in control
When i was stuck
When i was bleeding
When i wasnt in control
When i went down the wrong path
Im ruined forever
Unsaved;
And now i suffer

Mentally Im in pain.
Mentally I suffer.
Mentally Im numb.
Physically Im abusing myself.
Mentally Im killing myself.
Emotionally I turn my back on myself.
I have tried to escape my fears.
I have tried to escape the person within me,
To find myself again.
Nothing;
Ive disappeared.
Its like in invisible,
But my body is still here.
Over & over,
Ive been tortured.
Over & over,
My mind has been playing games with me.
Over & over,
Ive lost trust within myself.
Now Im so ruined.
Now Im so destroyed.
So destroyed,
My mind lost control completely.
So destroyed,
My body lost all its strength.
So destroyed,
Ive lost myself completely.
Everyday I get weaker.
Because everyday the pain gets stronger.
& finally everything has drained me.
I lost myself,
& I dont know where to go,
To look for my spirits.
Im completely gone.
Im completely invisible.
Im completely ruined.
Im completely destroyed.

I wanna laugh but i cant even smile
I wanna scream but i cant even speak
I wanna empty my lungs but i cant even breathe
I wanna listen but i cant even hear
I wanna watch but i cant even see
I wanna touch but i cant even feel
I wanna fight but i cant even move
I wanna run but i cant even walk
I wanna get help but i cant even ask
I wanna talk back but i cant even respond
I wanna explain but i cant even think
I wanna lose feeling but im already numb
I wanna lose my my voice but im already mute
I wanna stop my breath but i already have no air
I wanna lose my hearing but im already deaf
I wanna lose my sight but im already blind
Im numb but i feel the pain
Im mute but i scream in silence
I dont breathe and i choke on oxygen
Im deaf but the noises hurt my ears
Im blind but i see the darkness
The pain hurts me silently
The oxygen is fake and it only makes a loud noise in my ears
And im broken in the darkness;
Because i lost by trying to fight my fears

When my bones turned brittle
When my veins turned to frost
When my skin turned pale
When my heart turned black
When my mind turned to ice
I froze over and slipped away
I slid into walls that i couldnt tear down
I slid into cages that i couldnt escape from
I slid into a doors that i couldnt unlock
I slid through paths that i got lost
I slid through fire that i got burned
I slid through glass that cut me and started to bleed
I slid through the air and then i fell with no protection
I slid through a wire that i lost all my strength when i couldnt hold on any longer
Inside my nightmare, im living in fear
Inside my mind, im drowning in tears
Inside my body, i cannot get out
Inside myself, i faded away

Noisily silent,
While Im quietly loud.
I try to breathe,
While I hold my breath.
Im try to laugh,
While Im crying.
Im trying to speak,
While Im mute.
Im trying to hear,
While Im deaf.
Im trying to see,
While my eyes are shut.
As Im sitting,
Im trying to run.
As my arms are tied,
Im trying to reach out.
As Im on the floor,
Im trying to get up.
I put my sunglasses on when the night has arrived.
The sun comes out,
And I open the umbrella.
So when it rains,
I have no protection;
& its so easy to hide my tears,
As it pours.
When I stare at the water,
I feel like im drowning & panicking.
And In the water,
I seem to think Im flying;
So when Im in the sky,
I try to swim.
When the phone rings,
I refuse to answer.
& when I want to call,
There is no dial tone.
I try to go through the door when its closed;
As it opens,
I back away.
When the music is on,
I hear static.
It plays in my head when the radio is off.
I ignore,
When someone talks to me.
When I finally wanna talk,
They turn their backs.
When I stare at the blades,
My eyes are burning as they are pierced.
When the knife is in use,
Im feeling nothing.
My eyes see,
Im actually hearing.
My ears hear,
Im actually feeling.
My hands feel,
Im actually breathing.
My body moves,
But its all in my head.

The mind is incomplete
I have been thinking without a brain
I have been seeing without eyes
I have been hearing without ears
I have been breathing without a nose
I have been speaking without a mouth
The path i took was dark
It was full of black walls
And then i turned to the devil
That wouldnt let me see through a window
It was my only friend
& friends dont last forever
They turn on you so quick
This friend was fake
And then i learned what being scared was all about
My heart was pure
It was strong until it broke
Anxiety grew
Moods grew stronger
I learned how to cry
I learned how to yell
I learned violence
And then the blood found an escape;
It was the strength of a hand that wanted to release all the pain
Learned to think, but bitter thoughts
Learned to see, but disturbing images
Learned to hear, but listening to all the lies
Learned to breath, but hyperventilating
Learned to speak, but cannot explain anything
This was out of control
I was out of control
I didnt know the feelings that were created deep inside me
How do i act
How do i think
How do i know who i really am
I cannot trust myself ever again

I hide behind myself;
Behind my soul
My shadow appears trapped in the mirror
Unable to step forward,
Because Im forced to step back.
Like a chain that brakes,
Im broken;
Disconnected from what held me together.
Separated from being close.
I appear far;
Far away from everyone.
I seclude myself from the world;
Not caring about life.
Ive taken away the positive emotions coming from inside me.
& replaced with negative emotions that wont leave my body.
The party is at one end of the table,
While I move to the other side.
I refuse to connect with everybody
I talk in silence inside my head.
My conscience yells in my ear.
I refuse to ignore,
I refuse to move,
I am frozen like ice,
Because I wont melt down to what I used to be.
Silence has replaced my mouth
Darkness has replaced my eyes
Closure has replaced my nose
Static has replaced my ears
& so the wall has replaced my body,
Because I refuse to go farther.
The invisible wall blocks me from getting out;
Because I force myself to be distant.
Distant from people
And distant from myself.

My mind will never be focused,
As long as Im focused on something else.
I see nothing but things that arent important.
I have abandoned my problems,
Because they havent been fixed.
Because they are still there.
& I cannot fix them,
I only can pull myself away.
Away from everything,
Away from myself,
& away from the world.
As I stare in the mirror,
I notice all the problems.
Because my face has hopeless, written all over me.
& when I turn around,
The word useless is written all over my back, when Im pushed to the floor.
Im just a stupid girl for running
Im just a stupid girl for hiding
Im just a stupid girl for believing
Im just a stupid girl for not trying
My body is here,
But my mind is somewhere else.
Because when I try to focus,
I get nervous,
I get anxious,
& I hyperventilate.
& I never know what to do.
I dont know how to handle things,
When these things are kept built up inside me;
When I talk to noone but myself.
& myself has lead me down the wrong path;
& I cannot turn back.
& when these problems haunt me,
I leave my place,
& take my mind into a different world.
My wicked memories leave me,
Until I finish putting my mind at rest.
I cannot see,
Until I open my eyes.
I cannot speak,
Until I force my vocal cords to move.
I cannot hear,
Until I unplug my ears.
I cannot breathe,
Until I let all my air out.
Im angry,
So singing is involved,
Im stressed,
So *** is involved.
Im depressed,
So a knife is involved.
Im confused,
So alcohol is involved.
I ran away from myself
I hid from myself
I turned my back on myself
Ive been a danger to myself
Im distracting myself
Because Im running away from all my problems.
& I cannot solve them.