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Caterina Correia Aug 2018
Spinning in circles
And i dont know why
Im so weak from it all
I just want to hide
How do i still myself
How do i make it stop
Im slowly falling
Because im tripping
I cannot break this
This is a natural feeling
A confusing feeling
A weakness feeling
Im naturally drunk
And im going to fall
I cannot squeeze
I cannot use force
Im dropping fast
Im falling to the floor
The breath of fear
The anxiety of truth
The anger of life
The hopes have disappeared
Im spinning fast
I might as well let go
Im holding on to nothing
So now im going to fall
The room is turning
My eyes are trembling
My body is shaking
My mind is unsettling
My strength couldnt hold on anymore
It was time for it to go
A weakness has been brought to me
Now i need to be in control
How do i start
If im already finished
Im still trying to slow down
My mind is rushing
My heart is racing
My body just wants to be still
Undo this feeling
Undo this pain
Over and over
Im feeling it again
The feeling of circles
The need to stop
The feeling of torture
The need to be calm
The feeling of confusion
The need to be found
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
Its all coming at me
And i know im not ready
But i still need to accept what i dont deserve
Sometimes i try so hard
But most of the time i just give up
My body finally collapses as my fears drag me down
I dont wanna play this game anymore
Allow me to just accept i lost
I dont wanna get embarrassed anymore
Just allow me to admit it all
I just wanna undo it all
Erase what i have written;
And redo it all
How can i laugh,
If im starting to cry
How can i live,
If im trying to die
If i bleed,
I hope to not stop
If i sleep,
I hope to not wake up
My heart is pounding from all the anxiety
I hope it just stops.
I want my soul to leave me
My questions were never answered
And when i tried to answer myself,
The mirror would always laugh
I was so wrong
I wasnt right
I couldnt speak
But i spoke through the night
Inside my nightmares i would scream;
My dreams were fake
My dreams were never seen
And instead of being on my knees,
I begged on my stomach;
To force myself not to breathe
Make this end
Make it stop
I need air to breathe;
I need a future to see
I cannot chase whats already gone
But when i try to start over, im already done
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
Unknown feelings;
Only to explain through silence
And behind closed doors is how i can express everything all at once but noone is allowed to hear
I learned to live with guilt
I learned to live with pain
I learned to live with suffering
I learned to live with my own mental game
I learned to live with sorrow
I learned to live with fear
I learned to live with nightmares
I learned to accept what i see in the mirror
To feel what has been brought to me
My fears are slowly killing me
I can no longer fight for my heart;
As i try to protect myself
There is no more shield over my body
My mind was strong enough to break it and make it disappear
The shield that was for my own protection has broken a connection that is forever lost
Protection from myself;
I was actually not safe
I walked on broken glass
Broken glass that was from my body
And so i walked all over myself;
Just stepping on the innocence that was taken from my soul
The stranger that is here replaced the other person
A stranger once created,
I can no longer take over
Taking over me
Taking over my body
Taking over my soul
Taking over my heart
When the mind takes over completely
Thats when i fail
This is where i pause
This is where i break
This is where i fall
This is where i regret all my mistakes
This is when i realized
This is when i closed my eyes
This is when i heard the lies
This is when i always cry
When all the positivity took over the negativity,
My emotions got crushed,
And then my heart failed to light up
Darkness suddenly took over all the colours leaving black in front of my eyes
I cannot look out a window,
I wont see no light
I cannot look up to a light,
Ill go blind,
Im blind because i made myself
Not to see
I refuse to allow myself to see the good,
If i was so used to the bad
I fake a smile
I fake the laughter
I fake my happiness
Its all a show
So i dont explain
Its all i have to show my pain
Im weak,
Im giving out on myself
I cannot stand to take it anymore
I just wanna drop
On the ground is where i wanna be
Silent forever;
Forever i dont wanna be seen
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
My body,
My soul,
My appearance,
Has all changed.
From strong to weak,
I have been forced to release all of my energy.
I've pushed myself too far,
Because the sky was the limit;
So I ended up in the black clouds.
And the rain that falls,
Has turned to blood.
Blood from my body
& blood from my heart
I appear numb,
Because I have lost feeling
I appear blind,
Because my sight went away.
I appear deaf,
Because my eardrums dont move anymore.
I appear mute,
Because my voice has been shut down.
I appear not to breathe,
Because the air inside me has escaped.
Im mentally exhausted,
Because my mind cant function anymore.
I have forgotten who I am,
Because I wore out my body by damaging myself.
Everything that was part of me has escaped,
& left me alone.
Alone with myself,
Alone with silence,
Alone with negativity.
I just feel I cannot handle anything anymore;
& that everything seems to be controlling me.
I have brainwashed myself,
& my body has gone weak.
My strength was the only thing that kept me going.
And now I fall to the ground like a leaf,
Shrivelled up;
Dried out.
Tired of drama,
Tired of believing,
Tired of living.
And Im walking with my head down,
Just waiting to bump it,
And wake up from all my nightmares.
I feel exhausted,
Because my mind is tired,
I feel weak,
Because all strength has left me.
I feel broken,
Because my body is in pieces,
& I feel my heart break
& I feel my ears ringing
& I feel my eyes watering
& I feel my mouth going dry
& I feel my nose plug
& I feel my hands go numb
& I feel my chest tighten
& I feel my vision escaping
& I feel my hearing going
& I feel my voice dying
& I feel my hands getting cold
& I feel that everything, life,
Has been ****** out of me
& I am now the size of a twig,
Mentally.
Because everything,
Life,
My soul,
Has all been taken from me.
It has all escaped me.
For now I am drained
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
I cant stay awake anymore
My body is giving out
Its tired; not for sleep,
But a crave to be in peace
I wanna know that in the end everything will be ok
I continue to fear,
I continue to have nightmares
And then i wanna disappear
The nights of hyperventilating
The nights of tears
The nights of worry
The nights of fears
I try to erase it all
But im only making it all stay
I wanna erase it all
But it will never go away
My thought; their racing
And i cant chase them to make them die
I learned to hide, but i never learned to be invisible
I was always caught from my fears
My hiding spots were taken away
& i found myself so many times;
Deep inside a hole
A black hole that blinded me
But i stayed awake to fight
Bit then i ended up getting so tired
So tired of the ******* that lurked around me
I fought but then i lost
I my mind won a thousand times
And then my heart broke into pieces knowing my body gets weaker each day
Emotionally tired; i have nowhere to rest the thoughts;
Even make them go away
My heart tired itself fighting for another chance
I lay here tired
Emotionally tired
I lay here restless
Physically restless
I lay here numb
Spiritually numb
I lay here broken
Mentally broken
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
Inside my mind,
Im fighting my fears
And im trying to ignore all the negativity
Inside my mind,
Im lost & confused
And im trying to myself again
Inside my mind,
Im struggling to breathe
And i cannot control my anxiety
Inside my mind,
Im finding every mood difficult
And i cannot keep it in anymore
Unable to express myself
Im quiet inside my head
And my whole image is buried within me
I lock myself in
I throw the keys out
And then i knock on my body to see if i can come out
And then im silent
I dont move
I dont move
And then im stuck
The feeling of a zipper is going through my body as i try to climb out
My body is caught inside
Now im trapped
What do i do now
Im screaming and noone hears me
Im struggling and noone sees me
I will have to drown myself to get air
I drown myself in tears to explain my anger
On floor i fall
And on the floor i tear
Tears of a broken soul
Tears of a bruised heart
Tears of a strong mind that bursted into water
As a tear falls,
It turns into a picture
An explanation is finally forced out through the mouth
Questions asked
Questions answered
Just look down
I cried to draw pictures
I cried to finally come out
Now save me from drowning
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
So happy all of us together;
Because you were around.
You looked so beautiful;
& so happy to be with us once again.
I was happy that you came back.
All of us,
So surprised;
But it felt so real.
Felt so normal.
So comforting to be with you.
The conversations where we left off last,
& The stories we spoke of.
Your company made us all stay together.
Made us all reunite again.
Fun & games;
All the girls in one room;
Laughing about everyday life.
And then it happened once again;
You had to go.
Questions were asked.
So you told us you needed to leave forever once again.
To go back up to heaven;
& then we all suddenly drowned in our own tears.
After you came back,
I really thought you were back forever;
& never leaving us again.
So you went around to everyone of us;
Said your goodbyes.
I broke down in tears;
Told you not to go again.
But you said you had to go.
My tears suddenly washed away all my happiness;
And then you tears started to fall.
And you never drowned like we did;
But it all ended;
& you were gone.
I woke up so depressed.
I woke up so confused.
I woke up crying;
& then I balled my eyes out.
I felt like i was in another world.
A beautiful dream with you back;
With a sorrowful ending with you disappearing once again.
My head is still pounding;
I just stayed up all night feeling different.
I just felt like I suddenly got worse.
Now everything is going to get worse.
This dream really ****** me up;
& Im still crying.
Im traumatized once again.
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
I start off being sober
I start off being normal
I start off being myself
I slowly drink to try and lose feeling
I slowly drink to relax
I slowly drink to change
I slowly drink to feel different
I continue to drink to slowly lose feeling
I continue to drink to slowly relax
I continue to drink to become a different person
I continue to drink to feel good
I keep drinking completely be numb
I keep drinking to completely relax
I keep drinking to be a stranger
I keep drinking to feel amazing
Im drinking to get rid of all the pain
Im drinking to change into a person who i dont know
Im drinking to change my mind
Im drinking to make mistakes
Im drinking to walk into another world
Im drinking to hope things will go back to normal
Im drinking to stop my nerves from shaking
Im drinking to take over depression
Im drinking,
To relax.
Im drinking,
To feel different.
Im drinking to do stupidity.
Im drinking,
To doze off.
Im drinking,
To forget.
To forget about all these problems.
& so Im trying to run away from them.
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
When i force everything to be quiet
I ignore & shut everything, everyone out
When everything around me suddenly disappears
My back is deep in the water;
I force myself to be invisible
When I want to struggle
I dont want to save myself anymore
Im going in deeper
When my breathing gets heavier
Im forcing the tension to come into my soul
When my heart pumps faster
Im forcing the weakness to come inside my body
My lungs are closed
I cannot scream anymore
My eyeballs are rolled back
I cannot see anymore
My eardrums are damaged
I cannot hear anymore
My bones are broken
I dont want to move anymore
When all the weight is on top of me
I force my strength to leave my body
And then i let myself go again
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
Theres no air to breathe;
Because Im drowning.
Theres no space to move;
Because Im drowning.
Im trying to fight.
Im trying to be calm.
But all im doing is panicking.
I cannot swim against my waves anymore.
Because I keep choking;
& because I keep getting pulled down to the bottom.
& finally, Im underground.
Ive been drowning for years;
& I cant take it anymore.
Ive been choking for years;
& I cant breathe anymore.
Ive been falling for years;
& I cannot feel anymore.
No matter how much I try to keep my head above the water;
No matter how much I try to keep my tears inside my body;
My mind is just forcing me to bring myself underground.
I will never be able to swim again.
Because my tears will never be held back.
They will always be released.
& I will never know how to win against myself,
If I cant swim against my own water.
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
I tried everything & everything to make it disappear
The more i fight, the more i lose
So i just gave up
I never needed help until i found out i was crazy
My inner self was rotten
My inner strength was broken
And my inner soul has died
When i was alive i felt so strong
Now that im slowing down, weakness has come to me
The rain washes my tears, but i started to drown
The door closed on the darkness,
But now im locked inside a cage
My eyes shut out the nightmares,
Now im unable to see
I ran from the terror,
And now i cant breathe
No matter what i do,
It all comes back to find a way to bury me
My back is always turned because im so scared to see what isnt supposed to be there
How do i fight it?
How do i make it disappear?
Replace my anxiety with invisible puffers;
So my fears have no way of breathing into my body
Replace my tears with an invisible dryer;
So my fears will dry up inside
Replace my nightmares with constant dreams;
So my fears will disappear in the night
Replace my body with a new kinda strength;
So my fears will run away and hide
Replace my mind with water
And if i drown myself will it all be over?
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
A flower bloomed so nice
Full of life
Full of colour
The stem was strong and so were the pedals
Opening the clothing to show its glow
But then every flower dies at one point in life
My legs gave out and then i wilted over
My colour had gone brown
My skin had marks as it tore
My bones became so brittle
My insides became so dehydrated
Then my heart grew so weak
My air was the wind; just breathing so hard
My lungs couldnt handle it anymore so i just hyperventilated
I felt all my pieces to my body shake
It was like i was being blown around;
And then the dizziness started
A trail of pedals had marked up the floor
The pedals attached, were the parts that i will have to search for
I took my pedals off one by one
And they came off so easily because i was weak
My pieces broke off fast
I ripped them off so angrily
And then they all just fell to the ground
I tried to water myself with my tears but it was too late
I cannot grow anymore
I cannot replant what already died
I cannot change how my body didnt survive
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
Im on edge and im waiting to fall off
I went too far and now i dont know how to correct the mistakes ive made
I chose to walk in the dark,
When the light shined in my face
I ignored everyones voice when i obeyed my evil conscience
I tried different things but only one was allowed to be involved
It was the one in which i hurt
The voice inside my head forced me to bleed
I had to choke to try to breathe
I had to be blind to gain my sight back
I had to be deaf in order to hear
I had to be silent to get my voice again
And to be numb meens i couldnt move forever
Almost dead;
I had to suffer
I felt everything and anything that crossed me
My strength gave out and so did my heart
I became weak
I became brittle
My bones would bring me down to the ground
My mind is dying while my body tries to fight
The illness lives inside me
The enemy tries to control me
I couldnt sleep without nightmares
I couldnt breathe without hyperventilating
I couldnt see without my vision being blurry
I couldnt hear without my ears being plugged
I couldnt speak without my voice being mute
Numerous feelings going out of control
I couldnt release the anger without abuse
I couldnt release the tears without drowning
I couldnt release the sorrow without harm
I couldnt release the silence without pain
I sewed my wounds
I healed my thoughts
I bandaged my heart
But i covered my scars
I thought it was over but my blood kept eacaping
I went through a storm
I got shaken
I got tortured
I got beaten on the floor
Now to learn means gaining the strength again
I had to die to come alive again
Caterina Correia Dec 2023
The most two-faced is the one living inside me;
the air I once breathed became polluted and made my soul black
When I became weak, I pushed myself to the floor
All those scars & cuts became bad memories that live on
I had fun drawing, but it wasn’t on paper
There was no eraser; I couldn’t erase the damage on my body
and that red liquid that dripped wasn’t paint
I tried to swim against my demons but they were a better swimmer
The ground I walked on was bumpy when I tried to walk away from the past
I needed to run away and hide from my fears but I was found
I felt warmth but then it turned cold
Then I heard every sound until my ears started to hurt
I kept my eyes opened but the tears ran down my cheeks and blocked my vision
A breath of fresh air became dusty and I began to choke
The reality was that I couldn’t be alive around myself
My wounds are healed but I keep bleeding
I can swim, but I’m drowning
I can walk, but I’m tripping
I can run, but I’m falling
I can feel, but I’m numb
I can hear, but I’m deaf
I can see, but I’m blind
I can breathe, but I’m hyperventilating
I can live, but I’m dying
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
The feeling of being unfilled;
A big piece has stolen from me
The feeling of being light- headed;
The air inside me has escaped
The feeling of being mute;
My vocal cords had been cut
The feeling of my heart torn;
It was ripped out of my chest
The feeling of my blood disappearing;
My scars made it all escape
The dreams in which i was happy;
It all ended when the bubble they were in,
Was popped
The air in which i was moving through,
Had been poisoned
And the ground that i was walking on,
Had suddenly cracked
The loved ones that stayed,
Had been taken and now appear for only a certain amount of time
Or i had to say goodbye forever
The beautiful skin was scarred
My mistakes now haunt me for life
The normal life was twisted
And now im ruined for good
Ripped from my head,
Im crazy
Ripped from my heart,
Im crying
Ripped from my hands,
Im weak
Ripped from my skin,
Im bleeding
Ripped from my eyes,
Im blind
Ripped from my nose,
Im unable to breathe
Ripped from my mouth,
Im unable to speak
Ripped from my ears,
Im deaf
Torn from my throat,
Im choking
Torn from my hair,
My head is pounding
Torn from my chest,
Im burning
Torn from my stomach,
Im vomiting
Stolen from my mind,
Im medicated
Stolen from my body,
Im in a brace
Stolen from my soul,a
I disappeared
Taken
Ripped
Torn
Stolen
What am i left with
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
They say to fight until you win
But i have been losing each time
I want the negativity to end the darkness that comes from within
I dont know how to go through the darkness if i cant see the light
I never believed there was a light at every tunnel
It kept going with no opening
So i never found my way out; im still struggling
I felt heavy with broken thoughts
I wanted to be found because i was lost
I was patient;
So very patient
I was generous;
So very generous
I was quiet;
So very quiet
I was naive;
Im still so naive
I was calm until i turned angry;
And i wanted everything to just leave me
I was happy until it turned into depression;
I drowned everyday in my tears
I was talkative until i turned silent;
I was just too scared to speak
I was strong until i turned weak;
I was used to the point where i could no longer defend myself
I gave up when i couldnt reach
I tried to grab every chance to explain what is going wrong
But then i failed
Each time i fell to the floor, i couldnt gain the strength to get up again
I put too much trust inside something that was waiting to break
Then the floor had shattered pieces
And the time ran out on me
How do i fix this mess?
How do i pick it all up?
The pieces are cutting me
Im bleeding; i cannot remove the scars that were left behind
Each picture had a tear
Each tear had a memory
Each memory had a movie
Each movie played inside my head
My head had a weak mind
The mind of a broken child
I felt small, i felt weak, i felt naive
And i couldnt sleep
I felt like i couldnt breathe
I felt like i couldnt see
I felt like i couldnt hear
I felt like I couldnt speak
I lay here in the same spot
The thoughts keep running around inside my head
My mind stopped me from rewinding and fix the mistakes that I should have learned from
My regrets have knocked me down
And i have broken all my bones
My silence made me slip away
I was ignored and trapped inside the darkness
I suffocated while I hyperventilated
I couldnt breathe no more
I cried until i drowned
I disappeared under the puddles on the floor
I tried to escape through my scars, my cuts, and bruises
But i only made it worse by bleeding out the pain, the memories and excuses
I did too much
I said too much
I worked too much
Now the pain is too much
I cried too much
I hurt too much
I bled too much
Now the weakness is too much
I fought too much
I lost too much
I fell too much
Now the bruises are too much
The anxiety is too much
The tears are too much
The struggle is too much
Now this is enough
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
That part of your body when something is taken
Then your unable to function
It squeezes out and escapes until the memory game is played
Normality is hiding
And the darkness is seeking
I left myself alone
And then i lost it all
My mind went left and my body went right
My mind turned on me and my heart ran from me
I suddenly lost control and so i suddenly lost myself
I cant remember how i ended up so deep
Deep inside a hole, that im sinking each time i fail
When i failed i looked through a reflection for my last hope..
I looked in the mirror and i asked for my memories
It just threw itself on the floor and shattered to pieces
The pieces were the memories that wouldnt allow me to piece back together
Piece by piece, i bleed when i pick up the glass
I have to start over
I have to piece it back together
The mirror broke itself to test me
I have to gain it all back
But where do i find my strength because it got erased
Sometimes I just want to escape,
but every door is locked
Sometimes I just want to hide,
but the eyes come from the walls
Sometimes I get sick of crying,
but I’m already drowning in my tears
Sometimes I want to dream,
but the nightmares become my fears
Sometimes I just want to give up,
but I am always trying to be saved
Sometimes I just want to start over,
but now it’s too late to ESCAPE
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
Leaving everything behind just for a moment,
This is the time to free my mind.
As I enter a world of amnesia,
I hope all the negativity never haunts me again.
Releasing all stress.
Releasing all anger.
Releasing all depression.
I push away all the problems,
To replace them all with distractions.
A time to run away.
A time to be distant.
A time to be unfocused.
A time to make mistakes.
A time to have fun.
Using the tools of pleasure,
I create a wall to block everything else out.
& when a new world gets created,
Im finally free.
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
A bad influence
A crazy person
She changed and everything broke down
Mind of torture
Heart; shattered
Body; beaten
Life; she wanted to end
Who was she;
That let herself in
And the one she trusted, was the one deep within
The one she trusted
The one she met
Is the one who stabbed her in the back
I opened my heart
She tore it right out
I opened my strength
She gave me weakness
I opened my happiness
She gave me depression
I opened my calmness
She gave me anger and anxiety
I opened my dreams
She gave me nightmares
I showed my eyes
She scratched them out
I showed my ears
She plugged them up
I showed my throat
She made me hyperventilate
I showed my body
She made me become violent
I showed my skin
She gave me a knife
My eyes saw only darkness
My ears heard only lies
My throat was always strangled
My body was never fine
The darkness lead to fear
The lies lead to being gullible
The strangulation kept me silent
My broken body was enabled
What do you do when your friend turns on you
And what if your friend was your mind
And that noone knew
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
My heart has been used over a thousand times
Over and over i saw the truth break through my soul
I was transformed into someone i didnt recognize;
Now my mind has full control
My eyes stayed open, and then i was forced to see what i didnt wanna see
My ears were aching, from the noises i couldnt block out
My voice was damaged, from the screaming i warned when i needed freedom
My body fell over as i tried to run, but i tripped over all the hurts that block my way..
My heart was pounding fast with these emotions that went through
But my mind was satisfied because it was the only one; happy
I wanted to close my eyes because they were burning
I wanted to plug my ears because they were hurting
I wanted be silent because my throat was stinging
I wanted to get up because my body felt so heavy
I wanted to slow myself down because i actually wasnt breathing
I wanted to shut down my mind because its slowly draining me
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
I thought i was so normal
Nothing bothered me
Nothing feared me
Nothing would come over me
I thought this would last forever
But the thoughts i had were all so fake..
The goodnight kisses that stopped
I wanted to stop caring
The conversations that ended
I wanted to stop listening
The calmness in the voice changed
I continuously gave attitude
The sweetness of the personality switched
I became angry
The warm house that held me
I never was home
The room that kept me
I kept slamming the door
The phone that kept ringing
I always hung up
The school that educated me
I kept failing
The knives that lay hidden inside the drawers
I took them, i used them, onto my arms
The money that was spent
I just through away
The help that was brought
I didnt want in the end
They noticed the change
And i denied it all
The nights i left without saying goodnight
The conversations always turned into fights
My voice kept getting louder and my nerves wouldnt stop shaking
My personality would confuse me because it was always changing
My door kept everyone out
So they left me alone and never bothered to shout
Hung up the phone after screaming and yelling
Friends always asking cathy why you snapping
Failing; didnt give a **** about walking the school halls
Everynight, no sleep
Everynight, i bleed
Everynight, drowned myself with alcohol
When i was asked what happen to my arms
I just said nothing
The questions were always ignored
Money came money went
Spending with anger and depression so everything was spent
The fear the anger, the worry, because they were trying to help
They only wanted to save me from myself
What was happening
I really didnt know
I hoped it would all end
I just wanted this negativity to go
I pushed so many people away
Most importantly my own family
Then they were scared to even look at me
I had never stopped and took the time to say sorry
Everything was at its worst
I made the person i wanted to be
I didnt know how i had hurt
I just wanted my mind to stop having contact with me
I made everyone give up
I made everyone scared
I made everyone not talk to me
The people that i loved just wanted to be there
My tears wouldnt stop
I didnt know why this was happening
So confused, i just left it alone
So confused, so i just let myself go
I wanted it to stop
I was so out of control
Why did i hurt people i loved
Why did i even hurt myself
I knew i was slowly fading away
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
A long way with so many fears
Every day with a million tears
Still not over it
Still havent fought it
And its eating me up inside
When the air turns cold thats when i get to breathe
Thats the only way my air allows me to see
My heart is getting weak from the strength that got away
My head is getting tired from all these that run around in my mind
I shut my eyes and i get scared
When day turns to night
My dreams turn to nightmares
But all i can be is silent
I feel like im choking
Feels like im gasping for air
I cannot remember how to breathe
I cannot remember to hear or how to continue to see
Im so numb
How did i go numb?
I lost all feeling and this is the worst
The physical pain is gone, but its forever hurting me inside
Im bleeding from the inside out and i dont know how it will stop
As i try to hide these scars,
New ones open slowly as i look away
The beginning it was easy
It was all i had to be innocent for
In the middle i was stuck
It was all i had to be scared for
In the end it was never solved
It was all to be hated for
What happen to the time that the pieces were together?
And then i broke that promise
My body broke forever
I broke all the promises to myself;
To be who i had to and not who i wanted to
I just couldn't follow the rules
I turned my back on my heart and allowed my mind to take over
I didnt care,
I couldnt care at all
Lost
Confused
Everything was so blurry
I lay there almost lifeless
I couldnt continue a smile
I couldnt make a laughter happen
I cannot remember all those times i had to change
All i can remember is how i became this way
All the thoughts
All the fears
And all the good memories have disappeared
The colours on me
They turned away from it all
I can only see black shadows that disappear when i go near my own body
I faded myself away
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
I cannot be the person I used to be
Its hard for me to release the stranger thats inside me
All this negative energy needs to stop
I just want it to end
I try so hard to see myself,
But all I see is an inner enemy
I just want to shatter to pieces;
To release whats inside of me,
Then put my pieces back together cautiously;
So nothing else gets trapped inside me
But instead I keep bleeding
I keep getting weak
I keep getting dizzy
I keep releasing what I shouldnt be releasing
But everything is escaping
& I keep abusing myself
& So Im always drained
Why cant I release whats inside me
I just want to be myself again
Because the mirror is always lying
I cannot breathe no more
Because now Im claustrophobic
I feel as if everything is pushing me in a corner,
& I cannot make any holes
My inner enemy has brought negativity into my soul
& so now my head is filled with drama
My mind has suddenly changed
Because it gives me wrong information
& this is why Im troubled
I have taught myself the wrong things
& excluded the right things
Now I have noone to show me the right path
& I knew I was always wrong to listen to myself
& I knew I was stubborn
& I knew other people were right
& now I know I cant ever trust myself with anything
Anymore
I have failed
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
Why do i need to search for my strength
Finding my weakness just hurts too much
And i cannot tolerate the pain anymore
I just recently learned who i really am
And who i was
But when im injected,
Its just all fake
Picking through my body,
Picking through my veins,
Picking through my mind,
So i wont go one more time insane
It fills my heart will love
It fills my fears with no worries
It fills my anxiety with no fear
It fills my moods with stability
Is this real
Is this fake
Do i believe
Or did i make a mistake
My body is fighting
Im getting used to the drug
My body is sick & tired
Can i just stay off?
When my tears pour out,
I dont know what to do
Im so confused with life
Is this me
Or is this untrue
Running on fakeness
I wish i could give myself this relief
Running on chemicals
I wish this wasnt me
This is so fake
This isnt me
But if i stop now,
Ill go back the way i used to be
Why couldnt i handle my weaknesses on my own
Why couldnt i make all my fears go
Im hopeless
Im useless
I just cannot give myself life support
If i stop now, im so deadly to myself and other people
If i take it all away now,
My good will turn to evil all over again
My body craves for the fake happiness thats being swallowed and pushed down inside me
This isnt me
I didnt do this on my own
This is so fake
But i need to shut up and swallow what changes me
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
I had fallen when i was small, and my scrapes were too small for me to even care
I healed and continued my days with not knowing how to cry
I fell a second time but it wasnt like any other
It wasnt the wind who pushed me
It was the force of my mind that was guiding me
I failed when i was supposed to pass
I gave up when i was supposed to succeed
I noticed i had some fears
My anxious tears, and alot of nightmares
I fell on top of a trap
The knife was sharp, and i stabbed my own back
I wanted to be weak
But at the same time i was fighting to be strong
I found out how it really felt to get hurt
I found out how it really felt to fall
Collapsed; i couldnt get up
As i pushed the mirror, i ended up on the floor
Shattered; i was broken
My bones gave up when i wanted to continue
I became friends with my enemy
I played with danger to satisfy me
As i walked into a hidden string, it tangled around my neck so i couldnt breathe
I hyperventilated when i wanted to bleed
I got anxious but i didnt wanna leave
Everytime i got up, i was pushed right back down
I never learned;
My new bed was the ground
I tripped over my own mistakes, then i broken my bones over my anger
I pushed myself ontop of the weapons, then i tore my skin over depression
I fell down my own dark path, then i shattered my body over my mind
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
When my dreams turned into nightmares
When my nightmares finally came true;
I indulged a sudden shock to my body
I indulged what i should have prevented
I wanted to feel what everyone feared
I wanted to do what people dont do
I tried to force myself to be strong, but that strength was my mind over my heart
And my soul over my body
I learned to appear in front of a mirror; blinded from the person i saw
My fears werent leaving
My anxiety kept rising
My anger escalated
My depression had me dying
One day i turned & i snapped
I explored & i had to act
I wanted to change what changed me
I wanted to hurt what was slowly killing me
I ignored my hearts attention when i heard the knife calling
I welcomed my minds whispers when the razors had me eyeballing
I couldnt control
I couldnt turn back
My mind was in charge
I couldnt fight back
As i start to cry
It was time to end my innocence inside
The new thing i needed, was already planned
It was my last resort
It was my escape
It was the love of my mind
But the master to my heart
And i was behind invisible bars
Chained; locked inside my own body
I couldnt go on feeling unsatisfied
I couldnt go on feeling lonely
& so i made friends with a knife, a razor, and scissors
They taught me how to hurt
Taught me how to bleed
Taught me how to aim
And taught me it wouldnt be easy
It wasnt easy; they were right.
But what they meant;
It wouldnt be easy to turn back and fight.
It was an addiction
I loved the pain
The pain was gone
But there was darkness that still remained
Everyday i would continue
Self mutilation was the only answer
The red lines on my body never faded
I cut deep
I cut deep in the past;
& so i took the knife deep with me
I cut deep in my nightmares;
& so i took the razor deep with me
I cut deep at my problems;
& so i cut it all with the scissors
There was no more pain, but i was bleeding
I needed the pain, but i was blinded
I loved the pain, but i was confused
I always had the pain, because now im bruised.
Inside was who i truly saw
Inside was who i truly felt
I have been played with,
****** with,
Used
And im the only one to blame for hurting myself
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
I hear the footsteps behind me as i get startled
Then suddenly i start to use my legs as i run past my fears
Im being chased but i dont see anyone
My heart is racing but why am i running?
Im being threatened but the voices disappear
And i cannot see the person that was near
My arms are marked
My skin, it bleeds
My heart is stabbed
Im pushed on my knees
I cant get up because i was pushed
On the floor i went blind as i lose whoever is following me
Its in my house now
Im scared to make a sound
If i move, im going to fall to the ground
Now its in my room
Im being held down
Im choking from the hands that are tightly wrapped around
Am i going crazy?
Am i going insane?
I mistake the invisible for myself
The suspect is my own mind
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
I feel the burning of the heat go through my body
And now the humidity squeezes my head so that im unable to think
The water is filling up my space quickly
And then i feel myself drowning as i try to swim
The darkness traps my dreams
And now my nightmares broke through my strength
I feel the anxiety creeping up because suddenly i feel numb
Then im hyperventilating; and now im unable to breathe
I feel my heart pounding as my moods make a switch to confuse me
One minute its happiness the next is depression
I dont know what im feeling
When my head is squeezed
When my body is drowning
When my weakness is gone
When my fears are scary
When i cannot breathe
Is when im out of control
When i try to defend myself
Is when my fears are stronger than my soul
Caterina Correia Sep 2021
I wanted to starve my pain but I didnt know how
Instead of taking it away, I fed it innocently thinking it would leave
The pain ate away at my happiness
I began to hyperventilate
I became angry
I became sad
It showed me my fears that I tried to drown for years
But the pain allowed them swim
I tried to run, but the pain made me slow down by allowing my blood to forced its way through my scars
The scars that i thought were healed, opened up;
Now my body is weak all over again
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
I walk through a dark path black walls covered in scratches
My fingernails look bitten, but i was the one trying to free myself from the darkness
I couldnt ignore my nightmares because my eyes didnt know how to open
My screams of terror shook my bed, and i then i wanted to sleep forever
I couldnt ignore my fears because i was forced to do what i didnt want
I yelled
I screamed
I cried
I got angry
And then i wanted loneliness to be attatched to me all the time
I couldnt ignore my sadness because when my eyes were open, they always dried up my memories
Then the tears continued to run
Then i tried to ignore my mind because it all started when i was weak deep inside
I couldnt because i lost
I wish i turned back, and hoped i was more tough
It was like i was trapped; and then i was forced to ignore my conscience
I wanted to forget, but never forgive
I hated this monster that was trying to live
The more i tried, the more pain i received
So then i gave up to the point where i created harm under my sleeve
I grew so weak with fear
Then the fear took over my dreams
I grew so weak with worry
Then the worry took over my breathing
I grew so weak with anger
Then the anger took over my actions
I grew so weak with my sadness
Then the sadness took over my strength
I grew so weak with my mind
Then my mind took over my body
I grew so weak with my body
And then i saw that i instigated the pain
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
I tried to cover my wounds because i used a weapon towards myself
But i kept bleeding
I tried to fix myself because i was broken
But i couldnt attach myself
I broke even more
And then i shattered
Then i tried to find my pieces
But they all got blown away
Ive searched for myself
But my pieces were gone
I kept bleeding
And then i had dizziness
But the pain all went away
Unattached; but attached to the pain i give myself
Im shattered;
But i rather not find myself
When i do, im fighting an enemy from years ago
The puddles that i bleed allowed me to faint inside my nightmares
When there was no more pain
I wanted to feel pain again;
To feel the piercing once again
The blades against my breathing allow relaxation into my body once again
I only breathe when i hyperventilate
And thats how i learned to breathe once again
I chase my fears
I manipulate my fears
I run from my fears
But then i give into my fears
My mind chases me
My mind manipulates me
My mind finds me
Because ive slowed down
My heart creeps what it fears
My mind captures what it wants
I wanted both
And now im addicted
I wanna fight again
To feel the pain once again
Unleashing my conscience once again
My mind tricked me once again
Its a crave for fear;
A crave for darkness
The light blinded me because im tamed
I wanna fight my fears once again
I wanna fight without no help
I wanna get off the life support im inhaling into my body
I wanna face myself one more time
& see myself win against myself
Will i be strong
Will i become weak
I want to breathe in poison and fight it one more time
And now i wanna completely empty
With the drug forgetting me
Am i going to struggle
Am i going to hurt myself once again
Caterina Correia Nov 2022
I was burnt with no scars
Inside I felt a craving that made my heart race
I needed oxygen from your mouth
But wanted your lips all over me
Your hands shielded my body after your tongue covered me
My heart was weak; I was breathless,
and then I couldn’t see
I saw while my eyes were shut;
Feeling your body from under the
sheet
I felt each touch, each kiss, each lick
You were my ride, while I was your siren
I screamed at every flame you inflicted on me
I got frustrated when your tongue started to leave
I waited impatiently for a naked body to show
You were the last to undress, but the first to make me moan
You controlled my volume, my liquid, and my temperature
It became hotter when it was harder
It was burning when it became faster
He felt that warmth inside me and wanted to cure what I was craving
His body was like a piece of ice; just quenching me
My heart became stable
My breathing slowed down
My body was cooler after you turned the heat down
I had a burn inside me;
Then the ice suddenly made me cold
Finally drenched;
I was put out with your wild hose
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
There is an invisible light thats blinding me
I want to shut it off but it wont let me
I wanna close the door and forget whats behind me
I wanna lay the past to rest
There is a reflection that shines on me
The mirrors around me wont shatter
I keep seeing a shadow that follows me
The lost soul of my spirit's nest
I breathe in anxiety
I breathe out hyperventilation
I gasp for air as my heart pounds faster
My lungs had finally collapsed
I feel numb & pain at the same time
I feel dizzy & stability working together
I feel heart failure & heart success
I feel my life had been put to the test
I see the mistakes
I see the disappointments
I see the sadness
I see the anger
I wanted correction
I wanted satisfaction
I wanted happiness
I wanted pleasure
I cried
I screamed
I hurt myself
I found escapes
I finally was calm
I finally was quiet
I finally was relaxed
But i was in danger from all the pain
I wanna forget
I wanna redo
I wanna erase
I wanna wipe away that life
The nightmares & fears
The pain & the tears
The aggression & abuse
The starvation of wanting to fight
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
Beautiful
Colourful
Big
Small
Its a forest of sorrow
Its a forest of pain
But a home of invisibility
And the only closeness to u is above a locked up ground
The fresh flowers are what makes u alive again
And when they die it feels like your leaving
All over again
Does this pain ever gain weakness
The flowers grow so fragile
Does this pain ever go away
The flowers start to break
Does this pain turn to strength
Fresh flowers all over again
To brighten the day
To begin to laugh again
To dry the tears
To release all the anger
The ground is pierced
Do you ever feel our touch
Breaking through the grave
Do you ever feel our bodies
Touching you again
These visits shouldnt be visits
You should have been with us forever
These flowers dont compare to how u were to us
But these flowers are the only gifts that you will ever touch
The pedals from the roses
They fall when i cry
So in a day the rose is gone
My tears will always float by
Lay them down on a bed of grass
Lay them down on a bed of dirt
Lay them up against a stone
U deserve every single colour
Every single size
Ever single kind
And without the colours,
Its just a reminder of sorrow
The flowers fix a broken heart
But its only temporary
At home it will always be colourless without you
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
Black roses;
Took over the red roses.
The rain that falls,
Has turned into blood.
& the only clear water;
Is the tears from my eyes.
So abandoned,
My shadow is my company.
So afraid,
The light was my saviour until darkness blacked it out.
The grey clouds have taken over the sun.
The cold has taken over the hot.
Black roads.
Black tunnels.
Black forests.
Im running from the darkness.
Im running to the light.
Im running from everything.
Im trying to run away from life.
The wind blows me deeper & deeper into the black forest.
The vines pull me closer & closer to the black roses.
The rain drowns me to the ground.
My nightmares;
So dark.
My nightmares;
So black.
I cannot sleep anymore.
So scared;
Insomnia takes over me.
So worried;
My brain wonders constantly.
I feel as if im in a forest with no exit;
Because my mind has brought me deep into it.
A new world has appeared to me;
The dead roses,
The dead grass,
The dead plants,
The dead leaves,
The old trees,
The red water.
Im trying to escape,
But im only bringing myself deeper & deeper into this forest.
Its so dark,
& I cannot see whats around me anymore.
The light suddenly died,
When the darkness took over.
Im only hearing the winds of sorrow.
Im only listening to the screams of the birds.
Im only watching everything die.
& I feel myself slowly dying.
I have just given up.
I have just stop trying.
Because Im at the dead end of the forest.
& there is no way out.
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
Gripping so hard,
But slowly it slips away
There comes that time where we prepare to have another cry
The strength tried to hold on
But then got showered with weakness
It became hard to hear
It became hard to speak
It became hard to see
It became hard to breathe
We remember the beauty
We remember the memories
We remember the love
We remember the smiles
We remember the times
We remember the hours
We remember the minutes
We remember the seconds
We remember the first breath
Through the years that made us happy
Now we will remember the last breath
And know that happiness doesnt last forever
When a beating heart stops,
It shocks us through our body,
When a beating heart stops,
It also stops everyone else's suddenly
Light turns to darkness
And darkness keeps on winning
But then the brightest light was up above;
It overpowered, but left us mourning
This will leave the days dark
It will leave hearts so very heavy
The time will be slow
The moods will be depressing
And the memories will never fade away
But now there is no more pain to pray for it to go away


RIP Carmie
Love u always
Miss u forever ❤️
Caterina Correia Sep 2018
I shut everyone out
I kept everything inside
I showed i was ok
But inside i was always screaming
There was a lock on my heart that i never allowed to open
I threw away the key, and i coloured my heart black

I was kept behind invisible bars that i built
They became hot,
Whenever i tried to escape, i burnt myself
Behind the bars i still had no escape regardless if the bars melted me.
These walls never opened themselves for me to leave
They listened to me scream
They listened to me cry
They listened to me kissing my heart goodbye
I cried in every corner
I bled on their entire floor
I went crazy when i knew i couldnt free myself
I just locked myself in and i created a sell that turned cold

By myself everyday,
I just wanted to leave
By myself everyday,
I couldnt breathe
By myself everyday,
I had racing thoughts
By myself everyday,
I was so dangerous
By myself everyday,
I cried
By myself everyday,
I tried to fight

I begged my mind to let me go
I had enough
I wanted out
I was alone with myself so i became weak
As i began to have certain thoughts,
I became stranded from my own mind
When i was stranded, i turned to my heart
My heart was too weak when i wanted the help
I turned to a wall to listen to me
I turned to a second wall to hold me up while i fall
I turned to the third wall to take my punches
I turned to the fourth wall to save me

I questioned depression how to smile;  then it laughed at me
I question anger how to stay calm; then it ignored me
I questioned anxiety how to breathe; then it breathed hard down my neck
I questioned my mind how to change; then it changed my innocence
Caterina Correia Jun 2021
I went from strong to weak; my body broke down
I never functioned after i had fallen
But i fell mentally, not physically
And i broke a thousand pieces within me
I failed myself physically; because i harmed what was already hurt
And i bruised what was already visible
I had shattered what was already broken
And i hid what was already lost
When my body broke, i had lost the strength to continue;
and so when i fell, i had lost the ability walk
When my mind collapsed, everything collapsed, so i became broken into pieces & shattered into slivers
I couldnt put myself back together
Only my mind has the ability to fix me
But it wont
I became lost, and confused
Tired, and abused
I became worthless, and used
Thrown, and reused
I wanted revenge, but i couldnt
I asked my mind to set me free, but it wouldnt
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
On the floor i lay,
The broken pieces are torn from myself
Where do i stand?
I cant
Where do i walk?
I cant
Where do i sit?
I cant
Broken
Bleeding
Undone
Unstable
I allow myself to fall
And my mind allows me to fail
Unstrong; i fight
But my strength is giving out
Giving up; i fail
And my weakness wins once again
This is forever pain
Pain is forever
& im so fragile,
Because i have no more stability
I cannot hold myself anymore
And to hold myself,
I need to accept a frame
To hold me in place
To bring my body together once again
For peace in my mind
I need & want to break free
To make myself steady
To inject myself with chemical
To turn myself inside out
My body is bruised
My body is stripped
My body is scarred
My body is cut
Ive been forced to be inside a piece of wood
Glued and tied to by body
Pressed against my brain,
It is monitoring me now
Cannot move
But i move without hurting
Cannot talk
But i talk calmly
And if this frame breaks,
Then i break
I cannot live on my own
Together but apart;
Apart i cannot do it on my own
Together with help;
Apart i cannot do this on my own
Im inside a cage
Forever i will be chained
Its only for life.
Im inside a frame,
So my body is together
Im inside a frame,
My mind is all together
And once this frame falls
I know i will fall and break in pieces
I am so used to being held up with something else's strength
A guard that wont let me down
If it leaves, i leave
Im addicted to this chemical support
Im framed outside my body
I will not be stable on my own
The frame that holds me teaches
But i will never learn to breathe on my own,
If i let myself go once again
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
A group in the middle of a word called fun
But then that word only lasted for so long..
Strangers in the darkness
Strangers that noone was able to describe
The twisted minds of the killers
That took away his life
The darkness that blinded the eyes
The silence that blinded the ears
The noises that blinded the voices
When the fun had suddenly disappeared
Up standing to not back down
But then on the ground thats where he was forced to stay
Up standing to defend again
Then again on the ground he lay
Suddenly with force, he accepted all the pain
The hours went by
Then a sudden shock zapped at their lives
Sad faces; just drowning in their tears
They had hoped that it was just a bad nightmare
The reality was real
And it also pierced everyone's hearts
So broken
So empty
No words to express what they feel
The only words they knew was that "this isnt real"
A million questions but starting with the same word
Why him?
Why did this happen?
Why would someone do this?
Why take someones life?
Why did this day come
Just why
Family so strong
Friends so strong
But the tears were stronger to blind the eyes of broken hearts
But then the truth, is that he suffers no more
The pain that was felt, had unlocked a door
The kind soul from his heart
The strong mind of his brain
The gentle touch of his hands
The memories that remain..
And then the door he had unlocked was the stairs in the clouds
A new angel, had made the others scream;
Happy & loud
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
What is happening
Because i stopped
Im watching everyone; everything move
But im very still
My heart is cold
My mind has flooded
My blood has stopped pumping
I stopped breathing
My body is going to break to pieces once the ice melts on my bones
I have forgotten who i am
But i see a darkness coming my way
Am i being dragged back to who i once was
I am not prepared
But im unable to talk;
Unable to breathe;
Unable to see
But I can only see whats going to happen
How do i save myself
My tears arent melting myself
They make it worse by freezing over
I want to get out
Im suffocating inside myself
I wanna move but im being held down somehow
I wanna refresh my memory,
But i cannot remember
How do i know what is happening
From now on im being lied to
My mind is beginning to confuse me all over again
What is a blade and how does it work
What is alcohol and will it quench my thirst
What is this red liquid inside my body and does it come out
What is this air in my lungs and will it stay inside my mouth
What is warmth and is it the fire thats burning me inside all over again
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
Its too much to handle
Because i cant make it stop
All the weight is crushing me
Because i cannot breathe
Im underneath it all
Its undoing my strength,
And replacing me with weakness
Im unable to change what has been started
My anger is escalating
And i am just getting exhausted
Feeling trapped,
These chains i cannot break
Im under a cage;
Im behind a wall
Inside, im breaking
Outside, im damaging
All together, im going crazy
All at once, i lost my mind
Im just so frustrated and want to hide
How do i handle such complications
The stress
The anger
The anxiety
I cannot release
Take me away from it all
I just wanna lose myself
I just wanna break this tension
And then hopefully hell will fail
Like an explosion
Im waiting to explode
The blood within me is already boiling with anger
And like a car in an accident;
Im going to finally crash
Caterina Correia Jun 2022
My scent is a way of forcing you to bring yourself into my world
Theres a path you should follow from beginning to end
A path that leads the way to the bed
Come through the trees,
the ones I grew
I wanted privacy
I wanted coverage
But for you i want to be ****
Close the gates as you walk through
Begin your journey by picking my flowers that you helped bloom
Ignore the dirt
I threw away all the negativity
Just plant a new seed in my throat that appears deep
Strip all my leaves and throw them to the ground
Sting these lips like a bee
Make me bleed
Make my heart see
Tickle my skin like a spider until you find my cave
**** my neck like a leech to make my strength misbehave
My garden had a missing link
I saw you, and thought of a snake
Your fangs grew & sunk into my skin
Your muscles squeezed my neck & you wanted to come in
You finally found the forbidden fruit
on my final tree
Keep me still & slither your way through me
Now it pours but not from the sky
You made my body rain from deep inside
Caterina Correia Dec 2022
I walked around barefoot all my life
Because each pair of shoes I walked in,
rewrites a new story, wandering the dark paths I made
Those rocks that were beneath my feet
rolled me off the road and I fell
I walked on water and drowned
I walked on fire, burning in hell
I put two big pieces of glass on my feet,
hoping everything will be more delicate
I walked slow so I wouldn’t
miss the door to leave this maze
I walked quiet so my demons wouldn’t
hear me escape
I tiptoed quick to pass my nightmares
Then I tried to run away from my fears
Trying to leave the maze wore out the caps
Trying to escape my demons, chipped the front
Hiding from my nightmares, broke the heels
Escaping my fears, shattered every piece my feet touched
My stability weakened
I thought I finally walked with strength,
but it was hard
I thought glass protected from harm
But I got hurt
I thought glass stopped me from getting wet
Instead I drowned in my tears
It shattered, so I shattered
Every piece of glass cut me
My time was running out like Cinderella;
only she had another shot at changing her life
I was desperate;
trying to glue those pieces back together with my blood,
hoping brand new shoes could remake my strength;
Erase all those wounds
And revoke all those scars
Instead I fell, unaware I was also made of glass
I fell apart; laying there chipping away before trying to be friendly with those demons
Broken before turning nightmares into dreams
and shattered before finding strength to fight my fears
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
I feel my heart pounding as im forced to hold in what i should release
I just wanna hide when i feel the tears behind my eyes
I cannot breathe when i hold back my fears
My heart opens & wants to spill it all out
But my mind works differently
Im hiding behind darkness and i can't show myself in the light
Each time i want to express,
Is when i wanna cry
I look in the mirror and notice a shine in my eyes
A shine that never left
A shine when i was supposed to cry
I hold back so much, when i should be able to speak
But my mind has my tongue in knots
My mind put a block to my speech
Everything is too late
I know because i tried
Trying to reveal the tension
Trying to change the lies
Everything is too late for me to hold back
The anxiety
The depression
The moods that cant make me relax
Out and about, yes im ok
I wanna cry so bad but i have the anxiety for people to judge
So when im behind a closed door
Im unable to see
Im unable to see because its blurry
Thats when im blind
And thats when i finally cry
Glossy and hidden;
These arent contact lenses..
Its a start
A start to a fear
And then a tear appears when im in front of my mirror
And then i finish drowning behind a door
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
Am I going blind?
Because Im unable to see what I should be seeing.
Am I going deaf?
Because silence is replacing what I need to hear.
Am I going mute?
Because I cant reveal what I want.
Am I going numb?
Because the pain is invisible.
Am I going breathless?
Because I try to breathe, but I choke.
Am I going to stay broken?
Because I lay like pieces of glass;
Broken & shattered on the floor.
Am I going to stay invisible?
Because I keep hiding.
Am I going to drown?
Because I keep crying.
Am I going to get electrocuted?
Because my body keeps jerking from being shocked.
Am I going to fall over?
Because Im feeling dizzy from this world.
Am I going to lose all of my strength?
Because my body seems to be getting weaker each day.
Am I losing my mind?
Because I cant function anymore.
So will I see again
Will I hear again
Will I speak again
Will I breathe again
Will I feel again
Will the pieces to my body be found and put back together again
Caterina Correia Feb 2021
When i used to say goodnight,
I saw you in the morning
When i used to say im leaving,
I came back while you were there
When i used to call you on the phone,
Your voice would always be on the other side
When i used to go out,
You would stay up until i got home
When i went to bed,
I would wake up to see you still sleeping
When i used to smell your cooking,
You would always make enough for an army
When i used to say goodbye to you,
I said hello when i came home

I cant hear your goodnights anymore
I cant hear your goodmornings anymore
I cant talk to you on the phone anymore
I cant see you sleeping anymore
I cant smell your cooking anymore
I cant hear your hellos anymore
because i never thought i would ever be forced to say goodbye..
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
Heart of gold
Heart of kindness
Heart of emotions
Heart of strength
What happened to those days that she was moving forward
And life was getting better
Life was finally making sense
What happened to those days she helped so many
And nothing was returned
But her heart was still shining
What happened to those days she was told a thousand lies
And then the truth broke her
But her face was always smiling
Where did she go
I still dont believe it
It feels like that day is still happening
Over and over; my head is a record player
And there is no forward button
Memories sharp
Memories make pain
I wish i could undo what was once taken away
I wish i could bring back a treasure that couldnt be touched
I have been bent and broken way too many times;
But now im shattered
The pieces lay with her resting soul
Until we meet again,
Im separated in a thousand bits
Teary eyes will never leave me
My head is a theatre;
And this movie had a sad ending
One day to be happy
Another day she had to know
Other days to suffer
The last day she was forced to go
Caterina Correia Aug 2018
Innocent baby girl
So sweet; so tender
Heart of gold
Body so delicate
Soul so free
Innocent little girl
Talks so softly
Very shy
Very quiet
Very gentle
Behaves and respects mommy and daddy
Troubled teenaged girl
Confused about life
About everything and everyone around her
Getting out of control
Her temper is taking steps
Learning she was able to yell at mom and dad
Eyes learning how to tear
Her soul starts to peel
Her body starts to pull
Her heart turns grey
She realizes she's trapped;
But doesn't know where
Her conscience introduced her to a razor
Troubled woman
Confused with herself
About life and everything else
Everyone included
Totally out of control
Her temper is making her heart race
Yells & screams at the top of her lungs
Mom and dad just don't know what to do
The tears are making her drown
Its like the devil overpowered her innocence
Her soul is ripped
Her body is stripped
Her heart is black;
With the blood pouring out of her skin
Partying
Drinking
Cutting
Unlimited amounts of ***
Now she knows she's trapped inside her body & soul
Denying the fact she was sick
So sick
So crazy
So unmedicated
Pushing family and friends away
Didn't care
Didn't respect
Didn't regret
Her life,
So ruined
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