My heart suddenly stopped.
In so much shock;
I can barely move.
I cant stop daydreaming;
& Im trying to think about what had just happened.
Its like there is a lock inside my chest;
Attached to my lungs,
And the key to unlock my airway has disappeared.
My body has been collapsed;
I suddenly fell to the ground.
An anxiety attack;
Crying.
Im being controlled.
Scared,
Confused.
I dont know what I should do.
Choking;
Trying to remember how to breathe,
Im getting so nervous.
Im getting so frustrated.
The messages that Im trying to send,
Just arent passing through.
A wall tears me & everything else apart.
And its like a knife stabbed me in the throat;
Just blocking my strength,
To try to breathe.
Im pushing hard,
But my mind is locking me away.
I have no more strength,
I have no more power,
I have no more energy;
To breathe.
Mentally I have stopped breathing.
Emotionally my heart has stopped.
Physically I have no control.

Its getting harder to breathe each time the pressure rises
I tried to remove the weight thats weighing me down
But each time i try, i get more heaviness upon my chest
My lungs are getting crushed
My heart is getting squeezed
My bones are getting brittle
My skin is torn
My body is becoming weak
Im starting to break
But my mind is already broken
The air is escaping from my body;
Then i appear dizzy
I can no longer feel;
Im so numb;
Im so drowsy
I feel that im suffocating invisibly
I cannot breathe, but nothing is touching me
My words are strangling me
My thoughts are pushing down on me
My fears are the ones that are crushing me
Now my shoulders are sore,
They carried my own twisted world
My arms are *******,
I used a rope to pull myself in
My legs cannot move anymore,
I kicked myself on the ground
Now i lay underneath it all,
Im stuck below all my mistakes

Suddenly hit from inside my body;
My heart pounds hard
It bangs on the walls of my skin;
It bangs on my lungs while i try to breathe slower
The vibration makes my blood boil
Then my veins are shaken up
I cannot control my nerves
I cannot control my lungs
I cannot control my heart
I cannot control anything at all
Its so hard to breathe when the fighting is difficult
Im fighting to stay calm
Im fighting to bring back my strength
But all i feel is weakness
All i feel is pain
Breathing without air;
I choke
Speaking without a voice;
Im silenced
Hyperventilation has lead me to dizziness
Im feeling numbness within my body
Screaming has lead me to harm my throat
Im feeling limited on what i have to express
I cant move
I cant think
I cant rely on myself anymore for anything
I cant see
I cant hear
I cant make nightmares disappear
I cant speak
I cant breathe
I cant get rid of my fears that are inside of me

She recognizes,
It was only the first time
So the pain only lasted for a short time
She hurt,
The pain started again
It started to show
It started to notice
Silence wouldnt allow a voice to talk
She bruised,
Her mind was played with
Her body was thrown around
Her soul was pierced
She abused,
The marks showed the emotions within her
The blood was proof
It forced itself out of her body
And then she was weak
She murdered,
Shes so dead inside herself
Shutting everything and everyone out
& the company she ever had was negativity
Sharp objects were her friends;
And the only weapons she only knew
The more she faught, the more she wanted to damage
The worse it became
& the damage was done
She murdered;
The jail was her body
Her mind lost the key

All around me is unknown
Nothing looks familiar
Nothing looks alive
And i dont see the mirrors that shows me into different paths
All i see is the one dark road that im forced to take
I walk through my fears,
Not knowing whats next
I have been through enough
I already failed the test
I dont wanna continue
I dont wanna fall
I dont wanna remember
I just want to forget it all
I stand frozen;
I cannot move
I stand still;
I cannot walk
I stand alone;
Im so lost
When will this nightmare be over
Finally i walk, im starting to move through this place
But as i walk, i wish i had turned back
The black roses pull me in
Their thorns pierce me as i start to bleed
This is where i lose all my weakness
The trees keep pushing me forward
And im being dragged by the bushes
Im so trapped; i just wanna leave this terror
Im hungry for strength, not the poison berries
Now i cannot breathe as i take in the dangerous fruit
My air is leaking,
My lungs are collapsing
As i try to cut it all out;
Its rebelling to come out of my system
Am i having a nightmare?
Or is this true?
Im hallucinating and cannot tell the difference;
Im so confused
There was never any sun
Inside this place, the sky is only the moon that it all comes out and fears me
The shadows of the monsters got me screaming for help
But deep inside the monsters are deep within myself

The darkness feels like its early
The darkness was always my alarm
Irritable disturbances awake me
My fears grow close to harm
Eyes wide open
Body so weak
Skin so hot
Uncomfortable to go back to sleep
Its too quiet
But my breathing is loud
My mind is restless
But my body wants to be down
My memories are coming back
Im starting this darkness game again
Emotionally drained as i try to lay down
My heart is pounding to tire out my brain
I cant force my eyes because they wont stay shut
I cant force the darkness to leave
I cant force the worries out of my head
I cant force my body to sleep
Thoughts running fast right through my head
Anxiety stops me as i try to go to bed
Time is ticking while i try to waste it all
My patients are running as i try to take control
My anger rises; irritated with fear
My sadness lowers me; i cannot control these nightmares
The darkness is leaving; havent rested yet
The morning is approaching; as i continue awake in bed

Behind the pain,
Im trapped in a corner.
They are getting inside my head.
They are getting to my body.
They are eating away at my strength,
& feeding my weaknesses.
With no control,
My blood is boiling from the fears thats being brought to me.
I feel as though Im choking,
Everything is just pushing up against me.
My heart is cracking,
With the blood escaping.
My dizziness appears to tire me out,
When Im gasping for air.
Im so blind,
Because everything is just throwing me around all at once.
I cant control anything anymore.
Its too much to handle.
Silence has grown;
It finally speaks the truth.
But when I need help,
The noise just dies down again.
The problems are piercing me.
The people are piercing me.
The mirror is piercing me.
My mind is piercing me.
Everything around me is piercing me.
Trying to bleed everything out,
But Im left dizzy & confused.
Trying to bleed everything out,
But Im only left to drown in the puddles.
Trying to bleed everything,
But Im left shaking.
Trying to bleed everything out,
But Im being manipulated;
With more pain.
A million times,
Im being stabbed.
The thorns are sinking deeper & deeper inside my skin.
Making sure I stop seeing.
Making sure I stop hearing.
Making sure I stop speaking.
Making sure I stop breathing.
& everywhere I turn,
They come for me;
Just piercing me.
Allowing me not to think.
Allowing me not to move.
They undid the comfort around me.
They did the damage within me.
They forced out the blood inside me.
I have these holes in my body,
That can never be healed.

Spinning in circles
And i dont know why
Im so weak from it all
I just want to hide
How do i still myself
How do i make it stop
Im slowly falling
Because im tripping
I cannot break this
This is a natural feeling
A confusing feeling
A weakness feeling
Im naturally drunk
And im going to fall
I cannot squeeze
I cannot use force
Im dropping fast
Im falling to the floor
The breath of fear
The anxiety of truth
The anger of life
The hopes have disappeared
Im spinning fast
I might as well let go
Im holding on to nothing
So now im going to fall
The room is turning
My eyes are trembling
My body is shaking
My mind is unsettling
My strength couldnt hold on anymore
It was time for it to go
A weakness has been brought to me
Now i need to be in control
How do i start
If im already finished
Im still trying to slow down
My mind is rushing
My heart is racing
My body just wants to be still
Undo this feeling
Undo this pain
Over and over
Im feeling it again
The feeling of circles
The need to stop
The feeling of torture
The need to be calm
The feeling of confusion
The need to be found

Black roses;
Took over the red roses.
The rain that falls,
Has turned into blood.
& the only clear water;
Is the tears from my eyes.
So abandoned,
My shadow is my company.
So afraid,
The light was my saviour until darkness blacked it out.
The grey clouds have taken over the sun.
The cold has taken over the hot.
Black roads.
Black tunnels.
Black forests.
Im running from the darkness.
Im running to the light.
Im running from everything.
Im trying to run away from life.
The wind blows me deeper & deeper into the black forest.
The vines pull me closer & closer to the black roses.
The rain drowns me to the ground.
My nightmares;
So dark.
My nightmares;
So black.
I cannot sleep anymore.
So scared;
Insomnia takes over me.
So worried;
My brain wonders constantly.
I feel as if im in a forest with no exit;
Because my mind has brought me deep into it.
A new world has appeared to me;
The dead roses,
The dead grass,
The dead plants,
The dead leaves,
The old trees,
The red water.
Im trying to escape,
But im only bringing myself deeper & deeper into this forest.
Its so dark,
& I cannot see whats around me anymore.
The light suddenly died,
When the darkness took over.
Im only hearing the winds of sorrow.
Im only listening to the screams of the birds.
Im only watching everything die.
& I feel myself slowly dying.
I have just given up.
I have just stop trying.
Because Im at the dead end of the forest.
& there is no way out.

Everything in life was a lie.
Everything in life was a nightmare that wont end.
Everything in life was meant to be games.
And I was meant to go crazy.
Im unable to focus anymore.
And suddenly,
Im lost.
Suddenly,
Im missing.
I tried to end the pain,
But it got the best of me.
I was fooled,
& I got trapped inside a cage thats impossible to escape.
& my head is bleeding;
Eternal & external.
I fall & drown into my own puddle of blood.
As I keep bleeding,
It turns into a river;
A river that carries me away forever.
In my head I think its too late.
In my head I think there is no escape.
In my head I think I will never be the same again.
& its too strong.
It cant just be taken away.
Each day it adds on.
So every tear tells a story.
Every story reveals the truth.
All the truth are wounds that will never be healed.
Im left to feel pain forever.

I fought with my head, while my heart was breaking
When i was falling, i didnt even try to save myself
Every action spoke my violence
Every word spoke my truth
Every silent spoke my back
Every anger spoke my cold heart
Every appearance spoke my shadow
I was dark
I was invisible
I ended up hiding from it all
I wanted to run, but gravity forced myself to feel the pain
The pain in which i caused me to regret every serious game
I wanted to go back
I wish the time reversed
Now i carry it all on my shoulders
I was shot with my own words
I was trapped in my own actions
I was caught with my own lies
I was hurt with my own anger
So i cried it all away;
At least i tried but never succeeded
The tears only made puddles for me to drown myself in
I covered my face forcing myself not to breathe
And then i breathed out fire; i burned my own image,
I burned what i was unable to see
My ashes were like dust;
Floating away with the wind
I disappeared and couldnt stay to feel another guilt within my skin

I always wandered what would happen if i got back on the right path
Will i change?
Will my mind twist & turn itself back to normal?
And will my heart unfreeze itself?
I followed a shadow that i knew would make me blind
I followed a soul that i didnt want to attach myself to
But i stared into a mirror and just threw myself in and lost myself
I disappeared from life;
I was invisible to myself
I made my own path; i followed a dark road
And then i ended up in the middle of my own drama
I stood up but i was dizzy
I walked into tripping over
I ran into falling on the floor
I used my eyes but i was blind
I listened carefully but i was deaf
I tried to speak while my voice was mute
I tried to move while my bones were broken
Then i gave up from being mentally exhausted
Where did i go?
I never knew how to interact with a person so close; but so far away
Distance broke me, myself, and i
And i never saw the line that i was holding onto before i let go
I met her, but i said goodbye
I laughed at her, and made her cry
I judged her, then she was angry
I abused her, and made her bleed
I looked and couldnt find
I searched but she had to hide
And then I realized i had cut my own line
I confused my heart with hateful words, and so i ended up bad-mouthing to the mirror
I confused my body with bruises and scars, and so i ended bleeding in my own tears
My mind confused me with an enemy i once knew, without a role model;
All along i locked myself,
In my own room

Its so hard to breathe when the mind is so occupied
Occupied with only bitterness
The heart has turned cold and squeezed the veins until they snapped
And then the blood pours out of the body
Hyperventilation replaced the calmness of the lungs
And now its harder to breathe
Trembling, shaking;
The heart is trying to keep up
Dizziness, nauseous;
The mind is trying to make it stop
Sweating, numbness;
The body is slowing down
The throat is closing itself,
Like a set of hands squeezing the neck
The lungs had given up,
Like they were crushed with a hammer
Strength has died
Weakness has arrived
There is no more air
There is no more pulse
Is everything on hold
Or is everything stopped forever

A bad influence
A crazy person
She changed and everything broke down
Mind of torture
Heart; shattered
Body; beaten
Life; she wanted to end
Who was she;
That let herself in
And the one she trusted, was the one deep within
The one she trusted
The one she met
Is the one who stabbed her in the back
I opened my heart
She tore it right out
I opened my strength
She gave me weakness
I opened my happiness
She gave me depression
I opened my calmness
She gave me anger and anxiety
I opened my dreams
She gave me nightmares
I showed my eyes
She scratched them out
I showed my ears
She plugged them up
I showed my throat
She made me hyperventilate
I showed my body
She made me become violent
I showed my skin
She gave me a knife
My eyes saw only darkness
My ears heard only lies
My throat was always strangled
My body was never fine
The darkness lead to fear
The lies lead to being gullible
The strangulation kept me silent
My broken body was enabled
What do you do when your friend turns on you
And what if your friend was your mind
And that noone knew

Struggling,
Trying to break loose.
Fighting,
I just want to **** you.
I can see you have a hold on me.
I can see you like to control me.
I can see you let me make mistakes.
You make me turn my back on everything.
& because I was connected,
You disconnected me.
You make me hide,
When Im supposed to be visible.
You make me scared,
When I want to be brave.
& when I hyperventilate,
Its because you force the anxiety towards me.
& when I cry,
Its because you keep the past a remembrance to me;
You keep me from getting through the present,
You make the future unknown.
You have me like a dog on a leash,
Unable to escape.
You have me like a prisoner,
Locked inside a box,
With no air to breathe,
& no light to see.
You have brought tension to my muscles.
You kicked out all the happiness that was around my body;
So you let in sadness & anger,
That fail to leave me.
& like a thousand cuts you made me open on my skin,
The abuse will never fade away.
I notice the hairs on my arms & legs;
That fall from my body,
So you have let in stress in my life.
You made me forget who I am;
& what its like to love myself.
With the red heart you turned black,
You turned me negative;
Made me see that theres no hope for anything,
& everything you make me do is wrong.
You let me make wrong decisions.
You allow me to fail;
Not only a failure to myself,
But a failure to family & friends.
I appear mentally weak,
Because you through away all the strength I had.
You make me see things others couldn't.
You make me think things that was beyond from what they really were.
You made everything fake,
So you can laugh at whats real.
You showed me that everything was bad,
So you can hide all the goodness.
You brainwashed me,
So you can hide all the truth.
You held me back,
When positivity was coming forward.
You made me see a stranger in the mirror.
A stranger that can never change.
Every step I try to put forward,
You take me ten steps back.
You throw nightmares at night;
When I want to daydream,
You make me fake a smile,
When I know Im supposed to frown.
When I try to think,
You block everything out.
When I try to listen,
You shut everything out.
When I try to speak,
You keep me mute.
When I try to breathe,
You make me suffocate.
Its hard to notice whats going on,
When you keep me in one spot.
Always at your attention,
You force me to obey you.
When I see the good,
You put bad in front of my eyes.
Im always wanting to explain the issue,
But you make me stutter.
You make me naïve,
So I fall in every trap you set.
You pressure me to think that my problems will never go away.
You made me blind,
When I could have seen.
Im facing the inside of my body,
Because you turned me inside out.
I keep myself cooped up inside,
Because you hold the door shut when I want to get out.
You force me to overreact without thinking.
Always yelling & screaming,
Because you force me to have great rage.
I just wonder why I can never ignore.
I just wonder why I always obey you.
You failed me.
You changed me.
Your the devil.
Your the dark side.
Your the voice thats in my head.
The voice that I know I can never escape from.
I am now a danger to myself.

Take my fears and wash them all away
Take my heart and glue it back together
Touch my skin and repair my scars
Tape my pieces that have fallen apart
Untwist my mind from the twisted thoughts
Keep the memories because i dont want them anymore
Rewind the past and erase it all at once
Remake the future that is yet to come
Breathe into my lungs that the air has escaped
Slow down my heart when i hyperventilate
Dry the tears that fall from these eyes
Defeat the one that always makes me cry
Uncover my eyes to see the truth
Unplug my ears to hear the lies
Break my hands from the chains i put on
Find myself before its gone
Find the happiness that once was lost
Fight the anger that lives inside me
Change the sadness that depression was made
**** out all my guilt & hate

Suddenly i couldnt breathe
Suddenly i couldnt speak
Suddenly i couldnt hear
Suddenly i couldnt see
I couldnt breathe because i was hyperventilating
I couldnt speak because i was choking
I couldnt hear because my ears were ringing
I couldnt see because i got blinded
I was hyperventilating because of the anxiety
I was choking because i was being strangled with words
My ears were ringing because i heard too much *******
I was blinded because i didnt want to see the truth
The anxiety
The words
The *******
The truth
They wont ever change

People stare
People talk
People laugh
People judge
Tell me something i dont know
Dont tell me something i already know
Voice your words somewhere else
And please erase what you wrote upon my body
The ink that was permanent wont rub out
By mind is infected by the hurtful sounds
The loudness of everyones mouth,
Now my ears are ringing
Its all *******
And now my heart is stinging
I hear it all
I see it all
I notice it all
I feel it all
If I continue to worry
I will become more stressed
And then these people wont make me rest
Theres jealousy & hate
Theres rumours & truth
But theres never any silence;
Why do people have to talk
Theres no privacy when im there
And when i disappear, people close there eyes
Let me do the things i wanna do
Im sure you can relate
But i know its not about you
Its all about me
Its all about the judging
Its all about the rumours
Its all about the hate
Its all about the jealousy
The judging,
For who i am and what i do
The rumours,
When you dont know my story
The hate,
For me being a *****
The jealousy,
Now u wanna know me;
Now you wanna be me
Dont confuse your own mind with mine
I have a stronger grip
Dont mix in your own heart with mine
I have a deeper anger
Dont try to fix me for your convenience
In the end my tools are sharper
Break the silence,
And tell me to my face
Now leave the circle;
The one that im in
Im glad im the centre of attention
Are you done talking **** now

Black roses fell down from the dying trees
The red ones lay down in her bed
White roses wait to free her
& blue roses has drowned everyone in their tears.
The happiness went quiet throughout the days of pain
& after I heard the news I was ready to run away.
Depression filled up everyone's soul;
Mine especially.
I still dont understand why he took you away.
As you grew weaker,
I grew weaker with you.
& when you left us;
I died with you.
Im just visible;
But Im buried inside my body.
Puddles of tears,
Shocks & fears.
Noone knew what to do
Noone knew where to go
Noone knew how to focus
Noone knew who to talk to
I didnt know how to cry anymore
My tears stayed within me;
While people force me to be strong.
Not for myself;
But for the people I truly love.
Because when I held your other two daughters close to me while you lay;
I was forced not to cry.
& It killed me afterwards.
Inside I was choking
Inside I wasnt breathing
Inside my heart was slowly shutting down trying to reach yours
Inside I wasnt thinking
Inside I was worried for them
Inside I was crying for them
Inside I was trying to breathe for them
Inside my heart tried to calm down for them
Inside I was living for them
& the last days we saw you;
I still never cried the way everyone was.
I was told to be strong for them;
But my strength has held everyone up;
While their weaknesses has brought me down.
I just felt I needed to give away my strength;
So they wouldnt fall like the way Im falling now.
Because the last night you were shown;
I just balled my eyes out.
Walking down the isle,
Just listening to the sad music.
Knowing that you wont be here anymore.
I just felt the tension everywhere.
But I kept everything inside.
I needed to concentrate on them;
To be so strong for them.
I knew I had the strength within me.
But in the end Im unable to fight away my weakness today.
All my strength kept everyone going.
All my strength kept everyone forgetting.
All my strength kept everyone laughing again.
All of my strength leaves me in tears.
The tears nobody saw,
The tears nobody expected,
The tears nobody would notice,
The tears that were forced onto me while I forced my strength onto everyone.
The tears I drown in everyday.

Permanently mute;
Shut tight with force.
Unable to let out a sound.
Even pressured to stop breathing.
Like terror in the night,
Its hard to make out a sound when evil hides.
Shadows are forced to be quiet.
The dark figures act like ghosts who mean no harm.
Not even a heartbeat is noticed.
Not even a breath is let out.
Not even a blink of an eye is moved.
Everything has stopped completely.
Everything appears abandoned.
Everything appears deserted.
Everything appears soundless.
Cant speak.
Cant move.
Cant think.
Cant see.
Cant hear.
Cant breathe.
Voices & whispers has died down.
Breathing has stopped.
Hearts have turned dark.
Each sound has shut down.
Each sound became permanently quiet.
Each sound was shot by silence.

What is your mind telling you?
What are your eyes showing you?
Because I act like a ghost.
Noone understands me.
Noone knows me.
Noone sees me.
& when I talk,
It confuses you.
& when I whisper,
You cannot hear.
& when I yell,
You appear deaf.
Because you only see what you want,
I will never let anyone understand me.
Its too hard to go through every step.
Just continue to understand what you know & think.
Continue being so clueless.
Im just a mystery that you cannot solve.
Keep thinking;
I make you run your mind.
Keep searching;
You're brain keeps hurting.
Not even a microscope wont figure me out.
Im so distant.
So far away.
The sound of my voice leaves everyone so lost.
My body is the only one thats visible,
Because the soul within me hides.
Isnt it just frustrating,
When you want to know the truth?
But isnt it fun,
When you start the rumours?
I just put a block to everything & everyone.
I will never properly reveal myself.
Just keep trying.
Everyone needs to keep trying to find my soul.
Its so hidden behind all my fears,
& inside my mind.
The manipulations.
The lies.
The negative energy.
Never will I open up.
Never will I show my face.
Never will I get figured out.
Just everyone please,
Give up.
& I know what you think you see.
& I know what you think you heard.
& everyone thinks they are always right.
& everyone finally tries to get in my way.
I know what has been released through the walls.
Because the walls talk to me in silence;
Behind all you backs.
& this is the reason for my behaviour.
You think you see me,
But I really dont exist.

I thought all the negativity had been erased
Until i realized i was wrong
When it hit me suddenly,
I fell down to the ground
The disappearance of it all,
Allowed me to breathe again
But when it all came back to haunt me,
I felt myself choking again
The air that i had inside me, all sneaked away
My lungs became black
My heart became slow
My bones became brittle
My body became weak
It all became silent
I thought everything was dead
Then soon I realized,
It was all in my head
The truth was that it was sleeping,
And then it entered in my dreams
When my dreams were blank,
It weakened my hopes.
Now these dreams changed into nightmares of terror
I suddenly couldnt breathe again
My heart pumped hard again
My mind was forced to harm again
And then my hands wrapped around my own throat
This is happening again
The anxiety
The anger
The depression
The hyperventilation
The harm
The negativity
Im forced to turn around
My back against the mirror
I thought the mirror broke,
But those pieces were hidden inside its own reflection
I looked through the mirror a thousand times
Always hoping the past would change its mind
And then ran through the future with fear
Now in the present, everything had reappeared
I wasnt answered truthfully
My heart was naive happily
Now my tears had dried up inside
Now my eyes continue to cry
This is so unexpected
Why was i lied to?
Why was i tricked?
My mind has all the answers
My mind has all the secrets
But my heart is not allowed to hear
& even though they're in the same body,
They are so far apart
They have grown apart to hate eachother
I will never understand why two pieces have broken apart
Now i feel myself breathing,
But its too fast
Now i feel myself speaking,
But i stutter
Now i feel myself listening
But theres static
Now i feel myself seeing,
But everything is a blur
Now i feel myself feeling,
But im getting hurt
Its all back
I give up on trying to fight again

Never will i talk again
Never will i search again
Never will i trust again
Until i fight myself all over agin
I tried but i couldnt continue
I cried but i couldnt stop
I lied but i couldnt forgive
And as i look in the mirror, im so disgusted
I was betrayed,
I was left behind
I was chasing myself
I was looking for myself
But i just couldnt find myself
I created dark thoughts, and then i became angry
I ran out, and then i wanted to hide
I sat down and then i cried
I closed my eyes, and then i didnt care
I drank, and then i bled
I had open wounds, and then i was dizzy
I fell, then i couldnt get up
I couldnt move, so then i gave up
I just didnt wanna try anymore
Everything i did, went wrong
Everything i touched, needed a repair
Everything i lost, had disappeared
Everything i dreamed, will never come true
Everything i wished, was a waste of time
Everything went wrong with my mistakes
Everything needed a repair because my anger broke it all
Everything disappeared because i pushed it all away
The dreams that wont move, because they had fallen into a permanent sleep
Everything was a waste of time, because it all just wasnt right;
I cant trust myself again

Sometimes its hard
Sometimes it stops
Other times i forget
I just cant breathe
I want these walls taken away
I feel like im closed inside a cell
And gas has been released to choke me
Its too much to handle
Its too much to remember
How do i control whats controlling me?
Im moving too quickly
Im going insane
I feel like my neck is being strangled by a chain
I cannot escape
I cannot release
The air is going nowhere
Its cutting off my circulation
Feels like a bag is over my head
And i cannot getting off
Now im suffocating
All the heat is in front of my face
I really cannot breathe
My heart is beating faster
My body is shaking
Im so dizzy
Im going to just drop to the floor
Im trying to give myself CPR but its not working
How can i give air if its escaping from my body
Im failing;
Im losing
And im so tired of this game
When am i allowed to breathe?
Something is stopping me
Or someone is stopping me
I look and the mirror and i see my hands on my throat
Now i know whos trying to **** me
My lungs are getting weaker
My throat is getting tighter
My mouth is getting smaller
Im trying to win this fight
I think i have forgotten how to breathe

The mirror doesnt know how to lie;
& its my enemy.
My head is playing all the games,
& my body tries to fight myself.
Im the best at being the worst.
Im perfect at being clumsy.
Im smart at being stupid.
Im amazing at being ugly.
Im truthful when I say I lie to myself.
Im trustworthy when I say I cant trust myself.
My mind plays games;
& makes sure I lose.
Im so naïve when Im forced to believe something.
It plays a big part of me.
It plays my boss.
& Im always trapped.
Im a prisoner in my own body.
I wish I could change everything about myself.
I just wanna see myself differently.
An angry mood is what I witness.
So unhappy with myself;
& what Ive become.
Its impossible to go back.
Its impossible to change.
Positivity doesnt even enter my brain.
Its forbidden to enter me.
I cant even think.
All the negativity is forced within my body.
I just wanna **** the devil inside me;
And reappear an innocent angel.
I wanna chase the nightmares at night,
& wake up with a beautiful dream.
& if I break the mirror,
I wonder if I can glue it together again;
With a different image than what I see;
When I look through it everyday.
My looks.
My mentality.
My personality.
My attitude.
My weakness.
My anger.
My anxiety.
My depression.
Myself altogether,
Is what needs to disappear.

Its the weight of the world that brought me to the ground.
Its the things around me that took away my ability to balance.
But most of all its my mind that took away my strength.
Unable to focus.
Unable to move.
Im mentally exhausted from the past & the present.
The future will erase my energy forever.
The forces are ******* my strength right out of me.
Im unable to control everything around me.
My body feels like its going to break,
& I feel so lightheaded.
& its like a disease Im unable to fight off.
A disease Im unable to control.
It will slowly take me away.
It will slowly break me down into pieces.
It will rip my strength out of my body.
Everytime I try to walk,
Im falling.
Everytime I try to see,
Im blinded.
Everytime I try to hear,
Im deaf.
Everytime I try to talk;
Try to breathe,
Im suffocating.
Everytime I try to touch,
Im numb.
Everytime I try to think,
My brain freezes.
I feel as though my body is being squeezed;
With my blood dripping all over the floor;
The puddles just waiting for me to drown inside my own liquid.
I have no strength for anything anymore.
I have no energy for anything anymore.
I have no patience for anything anymore.
I have given up.
My weakness came alive,
& killed all my strength.

I was blind
I was deaf
My lungs were broken
I was weak
I wanted to stay away from the pictures that i used to see
I wanted everyone; everything silenced
I wanted to stop breathing
I wanted to lose myself
You gave me your eyes so i can see
You gave me your ears so i can hear
You gave me your nose so i can breathe
You gave me your mouth so i can speak
You gave me your strength so i can lose my weakness
You looked into my heart and opened the eyes of a prisoner;
Trapped inside her own body
You listened to my stories and undid the deaf inside my head;
So i can listen to everyone excluding myself
Mouth to mouth
You breathed air into my lungs and brought me back to life again

Mistakes were made, but never learned
My head was fuming, but it was my heart that got burned
My ears werent working, only towards my friends
My mouth kept talking, till it was the end
I saw what was happening with my eyes shut
My lungs were collapsed but i was able to scream
My bones were broken while the only thing that was strong was my heart
So much in shock, I thought i was dying, with no pain
Thought it was a nightmare but it was actually the truth
I was in complete darkness and the only light that i remembered was from the cop
I felt the cold air on my skin in the sky
And then my memory forwarded to when i felt so disabled
I woke up from the nightmare but i wasnt free
It was the middle of the nightmare
I was still trapped, then i questioned myself; why
I just felt like a broken doll; stitched and hoping i wont fall apart again
I couldnt talk
I was trying to express
And then a i learned that a pen was my voice;
But then my strength wasnt there
I tried but i failed; the paper was blank
I was just too weak to make the pen kiss its partner
I was so angry i couldnt speak
The tube blocked my every sound;
It was a time to remember to be in school again;
Raising my hand for attention when i was forced to be silent
When i finally breathed on my own, i felt my heart racing.
I just didnt know what was happening until they told me i will breathe slower
I didnt like this feeling, felt like i was hyperventilating
I still couldnt speak; i had to learn how to control it once again
My lungs were still weak
I wasnt alive until they came;
My family opened my eyes.
Then when i was alone, it all started again
And when the cast came off,
I saw the wounds that I purposely made before i crashed
I was already bleeding;
I remembered what else i have done to myself
And then i answered myself why
I knew exactly the reason why
Then my body appeared in another building of new faces
But my mind was at home
When will i be home? i questioned them everyday
Each answer changed
The frustrations i had,
The anger inside,
And the tears i had to hide
It was just so hard to believe i was in a chair with wheels
It was just so hard to believe i broke my own bones
It was so hard to believe i had to learn to walk again
It was even harder to believe that i heard what actually happened
A place to recover
A place to gain strength
But a place that made me forget how to smile
Full of anger
Full of bitterness
Full of hate
I just sat and wrote all my poems with a dark heart
When it was time to gain strength, i already succeeded
Not with the helpers
Not with the blind lady who helped me,
But my mind broke through it all
And then i got so annoyed;
That i was the one carrying the wheelchair
I knew i was ready
Even with the arm that failed me, it actually helped me
Even with the hip that failed me, it actually helped me
But then what made me fail forever was my mind that made me go wrong
I continued to stare at my cuts
And i still continue to stare at my scars
The guilt, the foolishness, the regret;
My every regret has a place on each of my tears
I cannot get these images out of my head
These flashbacks have made me gone crazy
The night that left me broken;
Im still broken with invisible stitches

I am the stranger.
I am the enemy;
Whom I fight with everyday.
Kills me to see the person I am today.
Kills me to see the person Ive become.
Kills me to see what I look like.
Kills me to see what I really am.
I cant turn my back on myself,
Because I dont wanna walk away;
When I can just destroy myself.
I wanna break the mirror,
So I can break myself.
& on the other side, is my soul trying to escape.
Now Ive taken my fist;
And punched the mirror.
Now Ive taken water;
And wet the mirror.
Now Ive taken the hammer;
And smashed the mirror.
My fist left me bruised.
The water made me drown.
The hammer broke me into a million pieces;
& now I lay bleeding,
Broken into pieces;
On the ground.
The only way I go blind from seeing myself is through the mirror.
The only way I break is through the mirror.
Because without the broken glass,
I still have to live looking at myself.

Sitting alone waiting
Waiting for it all to change
The nightmares are scary
And my fears are dangerous to me
I look back to the past and i try to erase the pain
But its all permanent; the scars are all over my body and mind
I stitched myself together so i wont fall apart again
I was bleeding from the inside out and it started through a hole in my heart
When that hole got bigger i just decided to rip it out
The big hole in my chest welcomed darkness inside my body
Inside im turned around to face the mirror
The mirror that showed me a stranger that i didnt know
Inside im turned upside down to face the ground
The ground that holds me because i cannot lift myself up
Inside i break
I break into pieces
My mind broke my body and im forced to put myself back together again
As i reach, i finally touch the broken bits
But i cut myself deep
Its all sharp to put it all back the way it was
Sharp like a knife;
But then i didnt mind
I accepted the pain
And then i got an addiction from bleeding through my skin
I suddenly felt all dizziness
And then i gave up on looking
I suddenly felt the calmness
And suddenly i lay down to forget it all
I never ended up picking up the pieces
The pieces that were broken from my mind
I feel so brainwashed
And i cannot remember who i was

A loud force of anger
Awakens a tortured soul
The tension inside the mind pushes the voice to release a huge sound
And then it all comes out with aggression
Fighting to push it all away
The fears from a nightmare wake a scared heart
The mind is the one who creates these dark images
I've had it;
Im done.
Maybe my screams will push it all away
Maybe my screams will allow my strength to stay
When i need to let everything out
When i need to control the darkness
When i need to run away
But then i realize this isnt working
My lungs are broken
My diaphragm is numb
My vocal cords are tired
My voice is repeating itself over and over
My ribs are shattered
My chest is burning
My throat is swollen
My lips are cracking
Louder and louder
It just hurts to scream
Louder and louder
And noone can hear me
Panicking
Hyperventilating
Racing heart
Racing mind
Fear
Losing control
My moods are wild
And confused about life
Scream to cry
Scream with anger
Scream to fall
Scream forever

He whispered in my ear to get my glass ready;
And get my hourglass figure prepared
He bought me a liquid that he can watch inside of me; feel inside of me
I needed a seduction to wipe away all my fears
I needed his hands to take away all the nightmares
I needed his kisses to **** out all the depression
I needed his body to save me from hyperventilation

I began swallowing the cold liquid he poured for me
Eventually I was heavily drinking
I wanted to feel a bunch of feelings in one
And he wanted to watch me get weak & crazy
I was typsy before being drunk off love
Love that was poured into a glass before wanting to finish the bottle

So once the sun went down, so did our clothes
He waited for that drowsiness to show,
And the weakness to take over me
That was his cue to take advantage
He knew my mind was unstable, so he layed me on the bed
He knew my world was poison, so he ****** the life out of my neck
The drink did nothing until he touched each part
The liquid quickly ran through my body
Then it activated my heart
I felt weak, and out of breath before he made himself hide
First his tongue tasted my alcohol from inside
My legs were shaking while he was below
The wait was over after I finished with him in my throat
That glass of alcohol extended to a bottle that it was almost hard to bare
And he made it more intense as it drowned my body, under his ****** care

Continuing to worry; i go through it all
Inside the closet i see the dresser filled with memories
Do i take it?
Do i leave it?
Im running out of time
I gather the clothes as my eyes tear up,
I refuse to listen as i hear a loud voice
"Shes gonna be here soon, are you getting her stuff ready?"
Im listening as i stall
Fearing,
Anxious,
Something doesnt seem right
Crying,
Its dejavu
Arent i supposed to be sleeping tight?
The light was bright
The car pulls up
I hear the noises of the stairs
Into the room,
I had to rush the things
Then it ended with an unknown ending
I wake from a repetitive scene, and this isnt the first time
I keep hyperventilating to the same dream
I keep having similar dreams
I keep wanting to change these dreams
My heart pounds as my anger strikes
I wanna close my eyes again and go back to change the past
-She goes to the hospital one more time

My body was created and then torn apart
Like a puzzle that was noone was able to put me back together
Through my skin,
I bled myself to hyperventilation
Through my body,
I drank myself to sleep
Through my soul,
I cried myself to dream
My head was left
My heart was always right
My arms were heavy
My legs were light
My eyes were always burned
My nose was plugged
My mouth was always stretched
My ears were always clogged
My pupils had been scratched
My nasal cavity had been pushed on
My vocal cords had been cut
My ears had been popped
My fingers and toes had been hit
My hair hasnt been strong
My face had been squeezed
My body had been numb
My body had been torn apart since it got created
Noone was able to put me back together with the pieces of my puzzle
When i was bleeding,
I wanted to bleed some more
When i was drinking,
I drank myself out the door
When i was crying,
I cried myself; and wanted to be blind
I couldnt breathe;
Ill never breathe
Im the air is gone,
Because im snapped
Broken in pieces
Torn apart
There is no more air for me to breathe;
For me to be one again

The water is blinding me
The salt is burning me
My body is pouring out the liquids of pain
The stream is on my skin
Its exactly like rain
& then my head starts;
Blowing up like a balloon.
Its hurting so much
The pain from inside
The pain from water
Unstoppable weakness
Unstoppable pain
Redness in my eyes
Redness on my face
Burning in my eyes
Burning on my face
My body is so tired
My hands are so tired
From wiping away too many tears
& if i shut my eyes, more will fall
Im having trouble seeing
Im having trouble hearing
Im having trouble swallowing
Im having trouble breathing
My fear within
My weakness within
My pain within
Is causing my lids to swell
My tears wont stop falling
I cannot control these swollen eyes

My body,
My soul,
My appearance,
Has all changed.
From strong to weak,
I have been forced to release all of my energy.
I've pushed myself too far,
Because the sky was the limit;
So I ended up in the black clouds.
And the rain that falls,
Has turned to blood.
Blood from my body
& blood from my heart
I appear numb,
Because I have lost feeling
I appear blind,
Because my sight went away.
I appear deaf,
Because my eardrums dont move anymore.
I appear mute,
Because my voice has been shut down.
I appear not to breathe,
Because the air inside me has escaped.
Im mentally exhausted,
Because my mind cant function anymore.
I have forgotten who I am,
Because I wore out my body by damaging myself.
Everything that was part of me has escaped,
& left me alone.
Alone with myself,
Alone with silence,
Alone with negativity.
I just feel I cannot handle anything anymore;
& that everything seems to be controlling me.
I have brainwashed myself,
& my body has gone weak.
My strength was the only thing that kept me going.
And now I fall to the ground like a leaf,
Shrivelled up;
Dried out.
Tired of drama,
Tired of believing,
Tired of living.
And Im walking with my head down,
Just waiting to bump it,
And wake up from all my nightmares.
I feel exhausted,
Because my mind is tired,
I feel weak,
Because all strength has left me.
I feel broken,
Because my body is in pieces,
& I feel my heart break
& I feel my ears ringing
& I feel my eyes watering
& I feel my mouth going dry
& I feel my nose plug
& I feel my hands go numb
& I feel my chest tighten
& I feel my vision escaping
& I feel my hearing going
& I feel my voice dying
& I feel my hands getting cold
& I feel that everything, life,
Has been ****** out of me
& I am now the size of a twig,
Mentally.
Because everything,
Life,
My soul,
Has all been taken from me.
It has all escaped me.
For now I am drained

My heart beats fast & slow at the same time,
But i will never feel any emotion
I run & walk away at the same time,
But my fears will always be there
I dream & have nightmares at the same time,
But i will always be scared
Im distant & close at the same time,
But i will always be far
I laugh & cry at the same time,
But the depression will always be there
I talk & scream at the same time,
But the anger will not disappear
My eyes are open & closed at the same time,
But these images will never move
I feel & get numb at the same time,
But i will always be in pain
I ignore & listen at the same time,
But i wont ever give any answers
I hate & love at the same time,
But i will always remember
Im calm & nervous at the same time,
But my nerves will always b shot
I hyperventilate & breathe normal at the same time,
But i will always have anxiety
I remember & forget at the same time,
But my mind will always be blank
Its dark & light at the same time,
But i will always see one side
I respect & disrespect myself at the same time,
But i will always harm
Im normal & not normal at the same time,
But i will always be insane

It will pass; there is nothing to worry about
No doctor necessary
And theres no time to go out
One week of headache,
One bottle of pills
One day hot,
One day the chills
Some days vomiting
Some days dizzy
Somedays chest pain
Some days the stomach is cramping
Some days heartache
Some days are hurting
Some days feared
Some days are boring
Some days worrying
Other days fine
Some days serious
Other days to cry
One day healthy
One day in pain
One day is ok
One day its starts all over again
Months to wait for results
Hours of sleeping in bed
Days of trying to get better
Minutes of hoping its all in the head
Now the days with no energy
Now the days feeling weak
Now the days with no motivation
Now the days only to sleep
Day by day trying
Day by day suffering
Day by day anxiety
Day by day its exhausting
Slowly the strength breaks
Slowly the hopes drop
Slowly the body collapses
Then thats when the heart stops

-miss u mom ❤️

This meaning cannot be explained.
The sad eyes of the mirror,
Is what I stare into.
My body & soul grew so weak.
& I've been invisibly shot;
Through the air;
The bullets forced me to bleed.
My lungs cannot hold the air anymore;
So my breathing is getting slower.
My heart is getting weaker.
In shock with reality,
My body freezes.
Im used to the pain,
So I lost feeling within me
Just like a physical force,
I feel it mentally.
Im hurting in my head & body.
I have no time what physically harms me.
I pierce myself with relaxation.
The blade makes me bleed these moods away.
Hyperventilation.
Anxiety.
Fear.
Anger.
Sadness.
These are the moods of hurt.

Performances in the dark;
It undo's the secrets of unbraveness.
The black cloud took over the sky.
The lightening pierced the sun.
The thunder chased away all the confidence;
The braveness was chased away by fear.
& its so dark.
& its so silent.
& its so unexpected.
Not an actress,
But I perform;
The lines of fear.
Standing there afraid.
Standing there frozen.
Standing there with shame.
Standing there with anxiety.
Standing there embarrassed.
Standing there unprotected.
The lights that pierce my eyes.
The sounds that stab my ears.
The air that stops my breathing.
The stage that allows me to fall.

The first set of cuts has hit me fast.
It started to poke a hole,
But hasnt gone through yet.
The tears went slowly down my face.
The second set of cuts got me struggling.
The hole is a quarter through.
Shaking.
Nervousness.
The tears added speed down my face.
The third set of cuts pierced everything farther;
& made everything even worse.
I thought it was a nightmare.
The hole is half way through.
Ruined,
But alive;
Im ok now,
But scarred for life.
The tears paced down my face.
Now I was cut really deep.
It isnt true when they say that the first cut is always the deepest.
Because this last cut is the deepest.
It has touched a vain so deep;
That hole that was started,
has pierced all the way through.
The tears poured,
& poured nonstop;
Down my face.
Each episode drives me to cry harder & harder every single time something happens.
These mental cuts cannot me controlled.
I feel as if a knife had cut me into pieces;
& the burning sensation left me so confused.
& my room is the hospital;
I make myself poor blood from my body.
I am my own surgeon;
But Im unable to heal these wounds.
& because its so difficult;
Everyday I cry,
Everyday I scream,
Everyday I bleed.
Mentally,
Emotionally,
Physically,
I bleed.
Every single wound,
Will never heal.
Im cut forever.

The mind is incomplete
I have been thinking without a brain
I have been seeing without eyes
I have been hearing without ears
I have been breathing without a nose
I have been speaking without a mouth
The path i took was dark
It was full of black walls
And then i turned to the devil
That wouldnt let me see through a window
It was my only friend
& friends dont last forever
They turn on you so quick
This friend was fake
And then i learned what being scared was all about
My heart was pure
It was strong until it broke
Anxiety grew
Moods grew stronger
I learned how to cry
I learned how to yell
I learned violence
And then the blood found an escape;
It was the strength of a hand that wanted to release all the pain
Learned to think, but bitter thoughts
Learned to see, but disturbing images
Learned to hear, but listening to all the lies
Learned to breath, but hyperventilating
Learned to speak, but cannot explain anything
This was out of control
I was out of control
I didnt know the feelings that were created deep inside me
How do i act
How do i think
How do i know who i really am
I cannot trust myself ever again

Last look that was given
Last movement of the body
Last hearing from the ears
Last breath of the mouth
Last beat of the heart
The first time when our tears were real
The first time when our hearts were heavy
The first time when we couldnt talk
The first time when we couldnt hear
The first time when we couldnt feel
The first time when we couldnt understand
The first time we didnt want to accept
The first time we were forced
The time to cry
The time to scream
The time to be angry
The time to be sad
The time to try to understand
The time to try to accept
The time to be strong
The time to learn what goodbye to someone really means

Only the time can stop
Only the time can go
And only the tears can be controlled,
If these things run smoothly
I try to think, but my mind freezes
I try to see, but my eyes turn blurry
I try to speak, but i choke
I try to breathe, but i hyperventilate
I try to listen, but my ears create static
When good happens,
He evil is behind it already bringing on the bad
When a positive turns to a negative thats when all hell breaks loose
I began on the wrong path,
Then at the end, the right path stole me away
Once i was in the right world,
The wrong path blinded me once again
I failed, but then i succeeded
And when i continued to do good,
I began failing all over again
I was angry, then i became happy
When i was seen with a smile,
The happiness was taken from me once again
When i cried,
My tears dried up forever
But when the puddles disappeared,
I was depressed all over again
I was bleeding,
Then my skin was sewed shut
But when there was no more red liquid,
The stitches unraveled themselves;
and i began bleeding all over again
My screams turned to whispers,
Now im loud again
My cries turned to laughter,
Now im crying again
My eyes opened up,
Now im blind again
My ears took in noise,
Now im deaf again
My mouth was able to speak,
Now im mute again
My nose was able to breathe,
Im hyperventilating again
My fears disappeared,
Now im scared again
My struggling stopped,
Now its happening again
Inside my mind i became calm,
Now i cant take the pain all over again
I have changed for the better,
Now the stranger is back once again

One last time im gonna repeat myself
One last time ill try to explain the truth
I cannot control it
I can only fight it
Even though i may end up bruised
A thousand times i tried to heal myself
And in the end i made it worse
A thousand times i tried to ignore myself
A thousand times i ended up hurt
I begged myself to change
I begged myself to accept
I begged myself to be calm
I begged myself to forget
The pieces that had fallen
They were from my body
The pieces i picked up
They just continued to hurt me
I cried to see if the tears would wash away all the pain
But it only made me drown;
It never made my fears go away
I made myself bleed to see if i would gain a conclusion;
But it only made it worse,
It made me gain an addiction
The nightmares that i had,
I hoped it would all be over
Then i was wrong;
It was a way for me to get weaker
I used violence, i threw things around,
I slammed the doors,
I fell to the ground
I ran outta breath;
With the anxiety attacks
I thought it was only one time,
But it always came back
The mind kept changing,
I thought it was normal
Until i was told that i had to be under control
I look through the darkness and there will never be light
I try to figure out how im going to fight
I look around the room to see if the weapons are still around
But its so hard to stop wanting what brought me to the ground
I look at the door;
The one i always shut behind
I can no longer open it until my habits get left behind
I look in the mirror and i dont like what i see
I will always see a stranger staring at me

Like the colour black,
It has taken white's place;
Right in front of my eyes.
It has washed away my ability to see the future,
& while everyone steps into the light,
I still remain trapped in the darkness.
I force myself to think the sky is always grey,
As I stare at the ground.
People notice the blue sky;
Because they keep their heads up,
While Im always facing down.
Energy & strength was forced out of my body;
Because Im always behind,
When people are ahead of me.
They walk fast,
While I walk slow.
When everyone is talking,
I face the other way.
I refuse to let out a sound,
So I choose to stay quiet.
I keep myself locked up inside;
No interest in stepping out the door.
I have forgotten what the wind feels like.
I have forgotten how hot the sun is.
& I have forgotten the smell of nature.
I dream of horror.
Everything is dark & black.
I only see sadness & hopelessness,
Like I see everyday.
I only notice what haunts me.
& Im just watching scary movies every night;
But with my eyes closed.
I just disguise myself,
So noone notices me.
I just keep my arms covered,
To save people from talking.
My moods are always down.
They never boost up high.
& so Im always drowning;
Because Im always crying.
& even though Im walking down a hall,
I feel as if Im walking through a dark path,
That has been pulled out of my nightmares.
& Whenever I enter my room,
I feel as if Im re-entering a cage that Im unable to escape from.
I feel always at fault
I feel always embarrassed
I feel always no self-respect,
Or self-esteem
I feel the need to escape
I feel the need to hide
I feel the need to cry
I feel the need to die

Like a bat in the night,
Your unable to rest your eyes.
& you charge into my room as a thunderstorm begins.
Your wings make you fly over top of me.
Its the force of your mind,
That pushes yourself onto my body.
I can already tell your twisted;
I am your first & only victim.
& your eyes try to hypnotize.
As Im forced to look deep inside you,
Im falling under your spell.
Your crazy; but gorgeous eyes weaken me.
Your hands,
So strong.
They slowly tighten me;
Making it hard for me to move.
I know that your never gonna leave,
Until you get what you want.
My ears are suddenly ringing from your whispers.
My mind is filled with your naughty thoughts.
& so you told me your lips were dry;
& so you told me I will quench your thirst.
& with a naked neck on my body,
You slowly moved your mouth towards me.
It was slow,
But the stabbing was so quick.
Your teeth were like thorns;
So sharp,
So controlled.
& suddenly I felt pressure.
Im hyperventilating;
Trying to breathe,
But its so hard.
By body,
Shaking.
My body,
Dizzy.
My body,
Slowly fainting.
& with my blood flowing to the floor like a river,
You finally got a hold on me,
& wont let go.
You stabbed me with your pointed teeth.
You stabbed me hard.
Your bite was like a snake;
& your poison released my blood.
I am now in your hands.
& after I faint,
You can finally take advantage.

Im still feeling the pain.
Im still feeling the sorrow.
Im still heart broken.
Im still in shock.
Im still crying.
And Im still grieving.
I just cant get over it.
& when I think of you,
I cry even more.
I cry even harder.
I cry even louder.
I thought I could control myself,
But my emotions keep controlling me.
& Im still falling on the floor;
Inside my tears,
Drowning;
Unable to breathe.
My heart keeps pumping faster,
Because its racing to find the other piece thats missing.
& I have not adjusted myself.
Im still broken.
All the pieces will never be found & put back together.
When you died,
A part of me died;
& the other part is still suffering.
I still go through your pictures,
& pass by your room with sadness.
& Im still crying every single night.
I dont think I will ever get over it.
Losing you,
Made me lose myself completely;
& Ive died inside my body.
Losing you,
Made me go even more crazy.
I thought this whole year was a nightmare that wouldnt end;
Then I realized your never coming back.
& when you passed,
A huge wound opened up inside me;
Outside me;
& is still open,
& is still bleeding.
Im still learning how to breathe once again.
I suddenly stopped,
When your breathing stopped.
My heart is still pounding fast,
Because its trying to catch up from the day it ended;
With yours.
Im trying to cope with you not being here.
Im trying to pretend your on a long vacation,
For a long while.
Im trying to block out all the negativity.
Im trying to focus.
Im trying to hide my depression.
Im trying to find happiness again.
Im trying to live the way I used to live.
But the key word is,
I cant.
Its a year today since you've been gone,
The first anniversary since you passed.
& Im still feeling that you've died just recently.
So many flashbacks today.
So many breakdowns today.
I just cant get a smile on my face.
I just cant stop the tears.
I will never get over it.
I will never stop crying.
I will never stop grieving.
I will always remember you.
I will always love you.
R.I.P Mom

I turned my back so the mirror wouldnt break me
I kept my eyes open so i wouldnt see my fears
I put the alcohol away so the memories fade
I put the light on so i wouldnt have nightmares
I put the chains in front of my arms so i stop the bad habit of harm
I put a stop sign in front of my eyes so i wouldnt go through the darkness
I opened my door so i would be set free
I put a question mark in front of my mind so i find out all the answers
I faced the mirror and it shattered to pieces
I opened my eyes and i saw what fears me
I filled up the glass and kept the bottles near
I turned off the light and then my hopes & dreams disappeared
I broke through the chains and grabbed a razor
I kicked the stop sign and lost all the light
I locked my door so i would be trapped inside
I erased the question mark because ill never be able to answer to myself

Rewinding these moments that went through my head before
Confused
Worried
Scared
Angry
Depressed
Losing the happiness that was supposed to be forever
Why is this so familiar
It feels so real
It looks so real
Please take away this pain forever
Wake me from this pain
Wake me from this nightmare
I don't want to feel it anymore
The darkness is deeper
My eyes grow tighter
My heart beats faster
My body grows weaker
And then I'm breathing heavy
Wake me from the silence
The noise is all in my head
Wake me from this noise
The silence is when my brain begins
This truth of darkness exists
But why won't it disappear
Lies of dreams taken away from nightmares
I just cannot sleep
Just wake me up
I never want to sleep again
I realize im awake
This is reality