Im still feeling the pain.
Im still feeling the sorrow.
Im still heart broken.
Im still in shock.
Im still crying.
And Im still grieving.
I just cant get over it.
& when I think of you,
I cry even more.
I cry even harder.
I cry even louder.
I thought I could control myself,
But my emotions keep controlling me.
& Im still falling on the floor;
Inside my tears,
Drowning;
Unable to breathe.
My heart keeps pumping faster,
Because its racing to find the other piece thats missing.
& I have not adjusted myself.
Im still broken.
All the pieces will never be found & put back together.
When you died,
A part of me died;
& the other part is still suffering.
I still go through your pictures,
& pass by your room with sadness.
& Im still crying every single night.
I dont think I will ever get over it.
Losing you,
Made me lose myself completely;
& Ive died inside my body.
Losing you,
Made me go even more crazy.
I thought this whole year was a nightmare that wouldnt end;
Then I realized your never coming back.
& when you passed,
A huge wound opened up inside me;
Outside me;
& is still open,
& is still bleeding.
Im still learning how to breathe once again.
I suddenly stopped,
When your breathing stopped.
My heart is still pounding fast,
Because its trying to catch up from the day it ended;
With yours.
Im trying to cope with you not being here.
Im trying to pretend your on a long vacation,
For a long while.
Im trying to block out all the negativity.
Im trying to focus.
Im trying to hide my depression.
Im trying to find happiness again.
Im trying to live the way I used to live.
But the key word is,
I cant.
Its a year today since you've been gone,
The first anniversary since you passed.
& Im still feeling that you've died just recently.
So many flashbacks today.
So many breakdowns today.
I just cant get a smile on my face.
I just cant stop the tears.
I will never get over it.
I will never stop crying.
I will never stop grieving.
I will always remember you.
I will always love you.
R.I.P Mom

Screaming
She doesnt know
Angry
Because shes spoiled
Crying
Because mommy is in the shower and left her all alone
Hurting
Her little cousin
Scared
Of the dark
Screaming
Just leave me alone
Angry
I can do what i want
Crying
Mommy is in the hospital and left me all alone
Hurting
Herself
Scared
Of the darkness that started inside her
Screaming
Theres no control
Angry
Everything is being thrown
Crying
Mommy was taken away forever and left me alone
Hurting
Herself deeply
Scared
Of the sickness that will forever stay

Like a bat in the night,
Your unable to rest your eyes.
& you charge into my room as a thunderstorm begins.
Your wings make you fly over top of me.
Its the force of your mind,
That pushes yourself onto my body.
I can already tell your twisted;
I am your first & only victim.
& your eyes try to hypnotize.
As Im forced to look deep inside you,
Im falling under your spell.
Your crazy; but gorgeous eyes weaken me.
Your hands,
So strong.
They slowly tighten me;
Making it hard for me to move.
I know that your never gonna leave,
Until you get what you want.
My ears are suddenly ringing from your whispers.
My mind is filled with your naughty thoughts.
& so you told me your lips were dry;
& so you told me I will quench your thirst.
& with a naked neck on my body,
You slowly moved your mouth towards me.
It was slow,
But the stabbing was so quick.
Your teeth were like thorns;
So sharp,
So controlled.
& suddenly I felt pressure.
Im hyperventilating;
Trying to breathe,
But its so hard.
By body,
Shaking.
My body,
Dizzy.
My body,
Slowly fainting.
& with my blood flowing to the floor like a river,
You finally got a hold on me,
& wont let go.
You stabbed me with your pointed teeth.
You stabbed me hard.
Your bite was like a snake;
& your poison released my blood.
I am now in your hands.
& after I faint,
You can finally take advantage.

I turned my back so the mirror wouldnt break me
I kept my eyes open so i wouldnt see my fears
I put the alcohol away so the memories fade
I put the light on so i wouldnt have nightmares
I put the chains in front of my arms so i stop the bad habit of harm
I put a stop sign in front of my eyes so i wouldnt go through the darkness
I opened my door so i would be set free
I put a question mark in front of my mind so i find out all the answers
I faced the mirror and it shattered to pieces
I opened my eyes and i saw what fears me
I filled up the glass and kept the bottles near
I turned off the light and then my hopes & dreams disappeared
I broke through the chains and grabbed a razor
I kicked the stop sign and lost all the light
I locked my door so i would be trapped inside
I erased the question mark because ill never be able to answer to myself

Its too much to handle
Because i cant make it stop
All the weight is crushing me
Because i cannot breathe
Im underneath it all
Its undoing my strength,
And replacing me with weakness
Im unable to change what has been started
My anger is escalating
And i am just getting exhausted
Feeling trapped,
These chains i cannot break
Im under a cage;
Im behind a wall
Inside, im breaking
Outside, im damaging
All together, im going crazy
All at once, i lost my mind
Im just so frustrated and want to hide
How do i handle such complications
The stress
The anger
The anxiety
I cannot release
Take me away from it all
I just wanna lose myself
I just wanna break this tension
And then hopefully hell will fail
Like an explosion
Im waiting to explode
The blood within me is already boiling with anger
And like a car in an accident;
Im going to finally crash

Suddenly,
Something has just came over me.
Suddenly,
Something just triggered my head.
Im walking slow down the streets,
Im keeping my head down;
So noone can see me.
The wind just whispers in my ears;
"Everything will be ok."
But I just keep staring down at the puddles;
Reminding me of the tears I cry;
& when I drown deep inside them.
I just cant stop day dreaming;
At the traffic lights,
& in my house.
Day turns dark,
My heart is getting faster.
My breathing is getting heavier.
Tears start running down my face.
An anxiety attack is what has approached me.
I cannot control it;
I cannot stop it.
Im on the floor;
"What is wrong with me?"
I cannot control myself;
Im going nuts.
I just wanna close my eyes and never wake up.
Its so quiet,
My cries break the silence.
Its so empty,
My tears fill up the room.
Its so claustrophobic,
My heavy breathing blows everything away.
Its so slow,
My racing heart speeds everything up.
& in the end I drown myself with alcohol;
& in the end I hurt myself;
Relaxing my nerves;
Relaxing my worries
Relaxing my cries;
Relaxing my anxieties;
Clearing all the negativity..
For the moment.
..& then tomorrows another day.

Desperate to release the red liquid within my body.
I wanna feel the dizziness;
& relaxation my body hides inside.
Blades of a weapon,
Is what my hand is thirsty for.
The cuts,
Is what my arm is hungry for.
Scars of depression is what I want to make.
I tease my veins,
But I destroy my skin.
I hide my frowns,
But at home I cry out loud.
My sleeves protects me,
But underneath is a disaster.
The starting is all in my brain.
My mentality goes nuts.
My heartbeat increases.
Im hyperventilating,
& my nerves cant stop shaking.
A nervous feeling erupts.
The knife is suddenly in my hand.
I cant turn back now.
Its just at that point,
Where I cant stop.
Its just at that point,
Where I need to focus.
Its just at that point,
Where I need to be left alone.
No distractions.
No interruptions.
I need to focus on damaging.
I need to focus on relaxation.
I need to **** my inner self.
& I need to destroy whats outside of me.
I need to satisfy my conscience.
I just need to bleed.

Everything is just building up inside me.
Everything is getting trapped in my head.
Nothing can escape me;
& Im unable to breathe.
Everything is up to my throat;
So I have no more room to take anything else in.
I keep myself closed in;
& so I keep everything inside.
Too much is being thrown at me;
& I cannot defend myself.
So Im bruised all over.
My wounds stay with me forever;
Because my scars will never fade.
& my heart will never be the same again.
Im just broken up inside;
& each piece has a problem attached to it.
I just want to put myself together again;
& let problems slide completely off my body;
& shatter to pieces;
Like I did on the floor.
I have no time to think.
I have no time to breathe;
When all the weight is on my shoulders.
Its like Im carrying the world.
My strength cant hold me up anymore;
Because everything has just pushed me down;
& now its too late to help myself up.
& If im lucky, an elevator will bring me back up to the level I started at.

To feel, but not to see
To be blind, means not knowing who you are
The mirror that showed,
But now it hides.
And now i run
And now im the one who hides
I look at my body, mind and soul.
But without a reflection,
I cannot see who i really am
And so i hide;
Day by day.
The fears inside of me increase as i walk towards myself
It knows im trying to run
Across from myself i choke;
Across from myself i cannot breathe;
Across from myself i find out who and what i really am
When i look through,
I want to smash it
And then when i walk away,
Im stabbing myself in the back
So then i bleed as the mirror breaks
Piece by piece;
Im cutting myself with the glass thats reflects my mind, body, and soul
My vocal cords snap as i try to speak to myself
And when im silent, the mirror reveals the truth that i dont wanna hear
And so i move;
It controls my every step
And so i speak;
It controls my every word
And when i look;
It controls what i dont wanna see
It doesnt lie
It doesnt break
But it breaks when i want to look and scream
When i scream it shatters
& then i shatter within my reflection
My reflection reveals
Revealing the past present and future
I can no longer hide
It finds me
And even though it doesnt move;
It moves me through the invisible chains that drag me

Everything is sealed inside me.
Everything is trapped inside me.
My head is being played with;
& Im getting mentally exhausted.
Feeling claustrophobic;
& closed up inside.
All the positivity escapes through my mouth as I choke.
While the negativity is held back;
Locked inside my body.
My body temperature is rising;
& I feel like Im going to explode.
I drown myself when Im watered down;
As Im burning like a fire;
But either way Im still destroying myself.
And its like everywhere I turn,
Im completely trapped.
I just need an escape.
I just need to drop all the problems to the ground.
I just need to forget everything.
My head is pounding.
My heart is racing.
My tears are falling.
I cant control myself.
Im getting so frustrated inside.
Im getting so nervous inside.
I wanna just tear my heart outta my chest;
& smash it on the floor.
Because I know Im not strong;
So then it will break.
Just like I break myself.
So I need to undo everything;
I need to let everything free.
For the time being,
For the moment.
I cant help it;
Because I cant take it anymore.
I need to open myself,
& let everything out.
Everything being lodged inside me,
Is making it difficult for me to breathe.
I need air.
I need space.
I need to lose myself.
I need to allow my skin to hemorrhage.
I need to allow my blood to carry out everything out of my body.
I wanna be left dizzy.
I wanna be left unstable.
I wanna be left trying to fight the problems away.
So with a knife;
Leave me on my own.
Leave me weak without strength.
Theres no other way.

My brain is right, while my mind is wrong
I believe all the lies, and i hate all the things i have done
My left leg wants to move, while my right leg trips me
I try to run away, but my fears wont set me free
My left arm is weak, while my right arm is strong
One i suddenly broke, and one used to make the blood run
My eyes are closed, while i see my worries inside
When they're closed im safe, but when they're open i wanna hide
Im breathing, while im hyperventilating
I feel calm, but at the same time i feel dizzy
I can hear, while im deaf
I wish i can plug out everything, but the negativity wont make me forget
Im numb, while i feel all the pain
I knocked myself out, then i forced myself up again
Im tired, while im wide awake
Im burning up, while im cooling down
The anger that i release, leaves my voice with no sound
I wanna forget, but my nightmares keep me up late
Im laughing, while im crying
My appearance is that im ok, but behind a door im mentally dying
Half of the mirror is perfect, while the other half is shattered
The perfection is what i want;
And the shattered is the reality in which i will forever suffer..

What is happening
Because i stopped
Im watching everyone; everything move
But im very still
My heart is cold
My mind has flooded
My blood has stopped pumping
I stopped breathing
My body is going to break to pieces once the ice melts on my bones
I have forgotten who i am
But i see a darkness coming my way
Am i being dragged back to who i once was
I am not prepared
But im unable to talk;
Unable to breathe;
Unable to see
But I can only see whats going to happen
How do i save myself
My tears arent melting myself
They make it worse by freezing over
I want to get out
Im suffocating inside myself
I wanna move but im being held down somehow
I wanna refresh my memory,
But i cannot remember
How do i know what is happening
From now on im being lied to
My mind is beginning to confuse me all over again
What is a blade and how does it work
What is alcohol and will it quench my thirst
What is this red liquid inside my body and does it come out
What is this air in my lungs and will it stay inside my mouth
What is warmth and is it the fire thats burning me inside all over again

Every breath was wasted on anxiety
Every breath was wasted on fear
Every breath was wasted on depression
The anxiety is used to hyperventilate
The fear suddenly stopped the heart
The depression turned the air into tears
Hyperventilation speeds up
The heart turned cold
Tears drown the body
The body breaks into a million pieces
Unable to put the puzzles back together
It fades itself
Invisibility takes its place as a ghost to everyone
So the body finally disappears
The wind replaces the breath
Breath was wasted on negativity

The thoughts
The stress
The pressure
The tears
The weakness
The worry
The guilt
The fears
The anxiety
The depression
The situations
The nightmares
The people
The self-esteem
The loss
The doubts
The memories
The exhaustion
The feelings
The eyes
The nose
The mouth
The ears
The hands
The feet
The arms
The legs
The stomach
The head
The time
The mind
The pain

I fell for my lies and i couldnt catch myself
As i fell to the ground, i broke all my strength
The bed that held me went invisible towards me
When i sleep, all i have is nightmares;
The pillow just ignores me
When i hide myself from my fears,
The blanket tries to strangle me
I had to search comfort another way
As i try to go through the door, it slams shut in front of me
I try to open it, but i locked myself in with no key
As i walk through the mirrors of my broken image,
I fall between the floors
It collapsed and then thats when my legs had been broken
I had to find another path to take
As i go down the stairs, the railing ignores me
I was too weak when i needed to grab on, but now even weaker when the stairs throw me down to the floor
As i lay here broken, my heart is actually in pieces
As i lay here weak, my mind actually lost its strength
As i lay here with fear, my body is shaking
As i lay here crying, nothing can stop these tears from falling

Its been too long since i saw your face
Its been too long since you slipped away
Its still in my nightmares that i dont wanna believe the truth
I cant forget how it hurt
How it hurt to be separated
I cant forget how it felt
How it felt to be torn away
I cant forget how much shock i was
In
How shocked i was to experience this pain
I cant forget how much pain
How much pain was brought on that day
The last memory
The last words
The last prayer that i ever heard
The last kiss
The last touch
The last feeling that was so painful
I wont ever heal
I wont ever stop these cries
I wont ever let go
I wont ever forget that last goodbye..

Mom❤️

I ran out of ink;
Thats when it all became the reality
I was full of life but then i erased all my pages
The paper is blank now
And now i write the feelings of a broken soul
Painful words
Harmful thoughts
Emotionally abused
And the tears I purposely made drop
I ****** out the ink to replace it with blood
Im torn
Im hurt
I bleed
My bruises are black
My scars are forever
My cuts are still open
I never got mentally better
I speak through a book where my cover is a secret
Inside im damaged
Inside im shattered
My vocal cords dont want to work
My tongue gets twisted each time i try to say a word
Im unable to speak
So through silence,
Im forced to harm whats already harmed
I hurt whats already hurt
I pierce whats already pierced
I damage whats already damaged
I tear away whats already torn
I throw whats already thrown
Now im down on the ground still unable to speak
My mind forces me not to reveal the punctured heart
The visible appearance thats allowed is through the body;
Through the bones
Through the veins
And through the skin
I write the chapters of my life
And the tool that i use is a knife

To have anxiety;
All my fears are haunting me
To have fear,
And then i hyperventilate
To hyperventilate;
It comes from numerous dark thoughts
To have dark thoughts;
My mind is brainwashing me
To be brainwashed;
Im so angry of what ive become
To be angry;
Im so uncontrollable and then my tears begin to fall
To be uncontrollable;
Im crying deep inside
To cry;
A depression has been built inside my soul
To be depressed;
I have taught myself to harm me
To use a weapons;
I have taught myself how to bleed
To bleed;
I finally have relaxation from it all
To relax;
And then im trembling
I begin to tremble;
Im shaking and my body is going into shock
To shake;
I cant move without falling, i cant move without giving out
To fall;
My bones have been broken
To be broken;
I will never gain strength

The thoughts that got created
The thoughts that craved ******
The thoughts that used the mind
The thoughts that finally hurt her
Negative creativity,
From inside the mind
The craving to hurt
I was taken advantage of,
And it was from deep inside
Bruising thoughts, i knew it was going to happen
Wounded heart, i poked through my own soul
Bleeding skin, i pierced through my own body
Painful shadow, my colours disappeared and replaced with the darkness
& when my mind put pressure on me, i became weak;
So i broke my own body
I was scared,
So i shut off the lights to anxiety
I was hyperventilating,
So i choked myself so i couldnt breathe
I was depressed,
So i drowned myself in my own tears
I stopped talking to everyone,
So i made myself alone
I began to drink,
So i drank myself to sleep
My thoughts of harm,
So i sinned and killed myself
My time of punishment is forever;
With pain of memories & suffering
My time of punishment is forever;
With the drug thats finally taming me

If only my nightmares werent real
And i could have slept in peace
If only my breathing were normal
And i didnt have all this anxiety
If only my moods were stable
And that my tears would never escape
If only my anger wasnt bad and that i made myself filled with hate
If only i didnt ignore the people that i needed most
If only i wasnt distant and that i disappeared like a ghost
If only i had listened to the ones that i loved
If only i was smarter with the disaster that ive caused
If only the sorrow hadnt appeared into my life
If only i used my brain when i wanted to pick up a knife
If only i was able to help myself without so much force
If only i didnt hurt myself behind all the closed doors
If only i hadnt taken out all my anger onto family
If only i understood of why i became so crazy
If only things were different
If only things had changed
If only things didnt happen
If only things had been erased

Decisions of everyones thinking;
The sounds of they're voices.
So sick.
So tired.
I dont wanna hear it anymore.
And Im being controlled by everything;
Everyone.
My mind is so confused.
My heart cant give me a response.
& my breathing is releasing itself from my body.
Im breathing,
But not on my own.
Im hyperventilating,
And they're making it faster.
Ive stopped breathing,
So they've suffocated me.
Im struggling so much.
I dont know what to believe.
I dont know who to trust.
I lost control of it.
I hear so much *******.
But when I want the truth,
Theres so much static for me to understand.
So controlled,
I feel so trapped.
So naive,
I feel mislead.
So claustrophobic,
Im being forced to breathe in different ways.
Fast to the point I cannot catch my breathe.
Slow to the point that the air has stopped.
My heart,
My head,
Is so confused.
My head,
Is no longer in charge of me.
That master is dead.
So everyone has taken over.
Im in knots.
Im being fooled.
Im being lied to.
& Im going crazy.
The drama they cause,
Plays with my body.
Its an overreaction I cannot control.
Its the breathing I lost control of.
So the air comes through when they have me in the spot.
They're voices hurt my ears.
They're breathing overpowers mine.
They know how to control me.
So confused,
I gave up.
Everything can just finally destroy me.
Because inside Im mentally dead.
Im in the middle of it all,
So I just wanna break & fall.
Inside Im already broken.
The whispering,
The talking,
The staring,
First anxiety.
The lies,
The cheating,
The games,
Second anxiety.
The yelling,
The fighting,
The issues,
Third anxiety.
The anger,
The depression,
The confusion,
Its never gonna stop.
I know they have the power to control my air.

Sickness is like a poison
That changes the body
That changes the mind
That changes the soul
The body can get weak
The mind can forget
The soul can disappear
Weakness can gain strength
Forgetting can gain memory
Disappearing can gain appearance
Strength
Memory
Appearance
Is all in the mind
The mind is strong
And so once the mind allows strength,
Once it allows memory
Once it allows appearance,
You are free
You are beautiful
You are amazing
Sickness is a word
It is the only poison in the this world
And it is given by the devil
And the devil wants people to suffer
But you have the power to defeat Gods enemy
And God gives you the power to work with him
And so you have the power to free yourself


Dedicated to my cousin Sam I love u so much
God will take care of u xo

Now its that time to grieve
And be in shock until were settled
Now its that time to cry
Because you left us and we had to say goodbye
Now its that time to be angry
And ask God why she had to leave
Now its that time to be broken
Half the heart is buried
And the other is alone
Now its that time
Now its that time where we can only kiss your pictures
Because your body has disappeared
Now its that time when we can only talk into the air
And hoping u can hear through the sky
Now its that time when we look what you left behind
And wished you were still here
Now its that time we struggle
Because you were always there for us
Now its that time we remember
Because the memories you made will never be forgotten
Now its that to realize
And remember the one who left us is her
But now its also that time i dont want to accept
I dont want to accept that this is forever

When your close with someone
When you love someone
And then they leave you forever
You end up far from them
The feeling of emptiness,
The everything that i had,
Has been taken away from me
Undoing my past
Opening my wounds
Redoing the past
Repeating my bruises
Operating of the heart
Then it failed,
Broken,
Torn,
Weak,
And pail
There was a door,
That should have been locked
But then the door was forced open,
And now your gone
Everywhere i turn,
And everything i do,
It only reminds me of you
But its not the same
Nothing is never the same
Nothing will ever be the same
The love i had was strong
And the pain is making it stronger
Inside my body, my heart is still scarred
But inside my heart you will be forever held
And even the the other half is missing,
I know its with you
Everything you ever owned
Everything you ever touched
Everyone you ever loved
Everything thats around
Your so close
Everytime my heart calls
Everytime my mind thinks
Everytime my eyes cry
Everytime im still wondering where you are
Your so far

Everything is just kept inside
I refuse to allow things to escape
I pressure myself to behave when Im not alone
So I fool people into thinking Im ok
As I appear alone in my room
Every single thought is back in my head
Everything just races fast
Then I end up crying to bed
The mirror is my enemy
I break it as i stare
I know the person's soul
Because she has the same colour as my hair
I try to look for a deep cut in my body
To let all the negativity out
But everything is just closed up inside
I just want everything to be cut out
As my heart pounds
And as my breathing gets faster
As the blood races to my head
They make everything a cluster
Im unable to free everything
Im unable to lose everything
Im unable to forget everything
& Im unable to escape from everything
I just keep everything in
I just keep everything soundless
I just keep everything for me to cry
I just keep everything hopeless
Unable to run away
Unable to hide
Unable to release
My problems inside

Ive damaged myself.
Ive abused myself.
& now I walk to a place so I can just drop to the floor.
I just wanna forget everything.
I just wanna close my eyes forever.
Everyday Im drinking *******.
Everyday Im drinking pollution.
Everyday Im drinking poison.
& I cannot stay sober anymore.
Im just drunk on life.
My head is spinning;
& I just continue to be dizzy,
Because Im unable to control myself.
Ive turned so crazy;
Mentally;
Im an invisible alcoholic.
But only Im drunk with problems.
I was sober until I inhaled so much drama.
& now I just cant stop falling over.
Im so confused;
& I dont know where to turn.
Because Im just turning in circles;
& I just end up right back where I started.
How do I stop?
I just want to stop being controlled.
I wanna just be sober again.
But my mind is not letting me throw everything up.
I wanna just spit everything out.
I wanna puke everything up.
Because Im mentally sick inside.
& It got me drunk.
So drunk,
I dont know what Im doing anymore.
So drunk,
I cannot think anymore.
So drunk,
I cannot recognize anymore.
I keep falling.
I keep breaking down.
Im just acting up.
I want everything to just stop.
My body is slowly losing strength;
Because Im so drunk on life.
Im so unfocused,
Im so confused.
My mind suddenly gave up on me;
Because its somewhere else,
While my body is visible.
Ive given up on so much,
& Ive given up on myself.
Because I let the problems take advantage of me.
So tired.
So warn out.
I finally just drop to the floor.
I cannot handle it anymore.
Life has drained me inside;
& filled me with invisible alcohol.
& its too much,
That Im so sick.
But I just cant throw anything up.
Because all the problems are continuously damaging my body inside.
So I finally realized,
That nothing can stop this drama from damaging me.
So forever my body,
Forever my soul,
Forever my nightmares,
Forever I will be..
Wasted.

I broke myself and got shattered;
To see where the pieces would land
As i kept my eyes opened,
I eventually went blind to everything
I couldnt stop the force,
From my mind to my hands
I hated everything & everyone
I just wanted to disappear
I couldnt control what i felt
But I controlled what i wanted to be
It wasnt right;
Its still not right
My mind still has a hold on me
Im still inside the cage that i once built inside my nightmares
Im still in between walls that i built with my eyes closed
I couldnt break the cage
I couldnt tear down the walls
But i could only put up mirrors to always see myself fall
And when i fell, i broke my bones
I broke the bones that made me run
Now i cannot even run away from my fears
I cannot run away from whats been undone
Struggling to breathe
Thats when i start choke
My hands try to uncover invisible ropes that cut off the air between my throat
Each thought,
I think of doing
Each fear,
I hope of disappearing
Each action
I try to fight
Each tear
That i cry every night
The pieces that got bent were struggling to stay together
The pieces that broke were all the positive ones
The pieces that got shattered were the ones that i kept dreaming
The pieces that fell down were the ones who were weak
The pieces that i found;
It was too late to put them back together;
And so inside these pieces were mirrors,
I saw myself completely broken

Play the moments
Over and over they rewind in my head
Over and over i want them to come back
Pause the memories
I stop and think and see everything that used to be perfect
Everyday is a question that can never be answered
Stop the pain
I couldnt do it anymore
I couldnt deal with it anymore
I couldnt **** myself anymore
I had stopped myself from suffering with a new start at life
Refresh the happiness
Pushing the weakness away,
I grew so strong
Pushing the evil away,
I survived all my fears
Pushing the devil away,
My soul is safe
Everything is starting to finally make sense

What is happening
My demons are reappearing
The darkness has chased away the light
Now im left to cry
Im in shock
My body has been struck
I lay here broken;
Im unable to move;
Unable to talk;
Unable to breathe
My hands are on my neck
The bruises are inside my body
So im choking
And im not breathing
Im testing my pulse
Will my heartbeats disappear
Because i feel like im already dead.
And inside my body,
My bones are becoming brittle
Im losing myself all over again
Why am i disappearing again
Im pulling myself to stay
I feel so alone
Inside my head its only me
And when im distracted,
Im pushing everyone away
Im still holding on,
Im still breaking free.
The pain is not over yet,
It wont even let me sleep.
Im so lost
And im helpless
Im unsure of what to do
I dont even know this feeling
I just dont know if i can make it through
Again im squeezing;
My neck is being trapped
Im losing air
Im losing feeling
And all these things im trying to fight back
Save me from myself
Myself is being bullied
Bullied; im pushed
Pushed on the floor
And terrorized
Untie me from my hands
Release me from my mind
Im struggling; im fighting
To finally save my life
Broken; bleeding on the floor
I opened my own cuts
Only myself can stitch up the mess
Only myself can free my soul
Only i can save myself
It needs to end

Im bleeding,
Dripping alot.
Im crying,
It pours into a puddle made for me to drown in.
Its like my body was used to fight off whats going on in my head.
I dont know what to do any more.
The force from my head,
Pushes me to physically hurt myself.
& I keep asking my conscience,
Why Im being used.
The dark side of me is taking control;
Leaving my other side to suffer.
I look in the mirror to see nothing but a stranger.
My mind controls my body & soul.
& I have no choice but to listen & obey.
& its when I dont know what to do.
Is it right?
or is it wrong?
Am I stupid?
Because I dont know who I am anymore.
My actions are speaking louder,
Because my mind wont give up.
Why cant I finally let go?
Let go of all this negativity I have built inside me;
That was brought through my head.
Inside my head,
I take the anger all upon myself.
Inside my head,
I take the sadness upon myself.
In my head,
I take the fear upon myself.
And in my head,
I physically take advantage of myself.
It pushes me.
It tricks me.
It allows me to hurt myself;
Physically.
My mentality is what Im forced to follow.

Am I going blind?
Because Im unable to see what I should be seeing.
Am I going deaf?
Because silence is replacing what I need to hear.
Am I going mute?
Because I cant reveal what I want.
Am I going numb?
Because the pain is invisible.
Am I going breathless?
Because I try to breathe, but I choke.
Am I going to stay broken?
Because I lay like pieces of glass;
Broken & shattered on the floor.
Am I going to stay invisible?
Because I keep hiding.
Am I going to drown?
Because I keep crying.
Am I going to get electrocuted?
Because my body keeps jerking from being shocked.
Am I going to fall over?
Because Im feeling dizzy from this world.
Am I going to lose all of my strength?
Because my body seems to be getting weaker each day.
Am I losing my mind?
Because I cant function anymore.
So will I see again
Will I hear again
Will I speak again
Will I breathe again
Will I feel again
Will the pieces to my body be found and put back together again

My mind will never be focused,
As long as Im focused on something else.
I see nothing but things that arent important.
I have abandoned my problems,
Because they havent been fixed.
Because they are still there.
& I cannot fix them,
I only can pull myself away.
Away from everything,
Away from myself,
& away from the world.
As I stare in the mirror,
I notice all the problems.
Because my face has hopeless, written all over me.
& when I turn around,
The word useless is written all over my back, when Im pushed to the floor.
Im just a stupid girl for running
Im just a stupid girl for hiding
Im just a stupid girl for believing
Im just a stupid girl for not trying
My body is here,
But my mind is somewhere else.
Because when I try to focus,
I get nervous,
I get anxious,
& I hyperventilate.
& I never know what to do.
I dont know how to handle things,
When these things are kept built up inside me;
When I talk to noone but myself.
& myself has lead me down the wrong path;
& I cannot turn back.
& when these problems haunt me,
I leave my place,
& take my mind into a different world.
My wicked memories leave me,
Until I finish putting my mind at rest.
I cannot see,
Until I open my eyes.
I cannot speak,
Until I force my vocal cords to move.
I cannot hear,
Until I unplug my ears.
I cannot breathe,
Until I let all my air out.
Im angry,
So singing is involved,
Im stressed,
So *** is involved.
Im depressed,
So a knife is involved.
Im confused,
So alcohol is involved.
I ran away from myself
I hid from myself
I turned my back on myself
Ive been a danger to myself
Im distracting myself
Because Im running away from all my problems.
& I cannot solve them.

I tried to cover my wounds because i used a weapon towards myself
But i kept bleeding
I tried to fix myself because i was broken
But i couldnt attach myself
I broke even more
And then i shattered
Then i tried to find my pieces
But they all got blown away
Ive searched for myself
But my pieces were gone
I kept bleeding
And then i had dizziness
But the pain all went away
Unattached; but attached to the pain i give myself
Im shattered;
But i rather not find myself
When i do, im fighting an enemy from years ago
The puddles that i bleed allowed me to faint inside my nightmares
When there was no more pain
I wanted to feel pain again;
To feel the piercing once again
The blades against my breathing allow relaxation into my body once again
I only breathe when i hyperventilate
And thats how i learned to breathe once again
I chase my fears
I manipulate my fears
I run from my fears
But then i give into my fears
My mind chases me
My mind manipulates me
My mind finds me
Because ive slowed down
My heart creeps what it fears
My mind captures what it wants
I wanted both
And now im addicted
I wanna fight again
To feel the pain once again
Unleashing my conscience once again
My mind tricked me once again
Its a crave for fear;
A crave for darkness
The light blinded me because im tamed
I wanna fight my fears once again
I wanna fight without no help
I wanna get off the life support im inhaling into my body
I wanna face myself one more time
& see myself win against myself
Will i be strong
Will i become weak
I want to breathe in poison and fight it one more time
And now i wanna completely empty
With the drug forgetting me
Am i going to struggle
Am i going to hurt myself once again

Inside my mind,
Im fighting my fears
And im trying to ignore all the negativity
Inside my mind,
Im lost & confused
And im trying to myself again
Inside my mind,
Im struggling to breathe
And i cannot control my anxiety
Inside my mind,
Im finding every mood difficult
And i cannot keep it in anymore
Unable to express myself
Im quiet inside my head
And my whole image is buried within me
I lock myself in
I throw the keys out
And then i knock on my body to see if i can come out
And then im silent
I dont move
I dont move
And then im stuck
The feeling of a zipper is going through my body as i try to climb out
My body is caught inside
Now im trapped
What do i do now
Im screaming and noone hears me
Im struggling and noone sees me
I will have to drown myself to get air
I drown myself in tears to explain my anger
On floor i fall
And on the floor i tear
Tears of a broken soul
Tears of a bruised heart
Tears of a strong mind that bursted into water
As a tear falls,
It turns into a picture
An explanation is finally forced out through the mouth
Questions asked
Questions answered
Just look down
I cried to draw pictures
I cried to finally come out
Now save me from drowning

The sun goes down, and then my body falls
The sky is dark with no light, and my head repeats
The clouds become heavy, and then so does my heart
The wind gets stronger, and then my nightmares want to race
The thunder is loud, and so my screams follow
The lightning strikes, now my veins are shot
Darkness is where i stay
And then im being dragged down to the ground
My weakness is approaching;
I have no more strength
My power has been ****** out of me and now im tired
My energy is drained;
My body is frozen once again
The only strength i have is a voice,
But noone can hear my screams
Im used to all the *******
People talk
People judge
Talking spreads
Judging hurts
Inside i laugh
Inside i hide
Im silent
Im cautious
And if im seen with water on my eyes
will i trick them into thinking its not my tears
And if i look in the mirror outside the storm, am i tricking myself too?
I cannot see anymore
What is real
What is fake
What is right
And what is a mistake
Once a storm, always a storm
The reflection of my mind, body, and soul;
The storm is my shadow
The sun goes down as i fall
The sky becomes dark when im depressed
The clouds become heavy when my heart is broken
The wind gets stronger as my nightmares become severe
The thunder starts as i have an outburst
Then the lightning strikes as i strike myself and so the rain pours when i cry
The storm hides my behaviour
I like the rain;
It hides all my tears

My strength has left me
Now the weakness is destroying me
I wish i can turn back time
Now im struggling
Im not strong enough to fight
If i do,
I know ill die
As i walk, i fall
As i speak, i mumble
As i see, its blurry
As i listen, its too silent
As i breathe, i choke
As i hold on, i slip
Everything escapes me
The mirror shatters me
My shadow leaves me
My mind is the only strong one
Its what makes me weak
Its what makes me fail
I cant even carry air
Im so drained
I have nothing left
All my energy was wasted on *******
And now my mind carries me
It drags me
Im unable to break free from these chains

These wounds arent healing;
& the pain is too strong for me to handle.
Ive fought enough,
But fighting the person within me.
My mind has put a stop sign in front of my own eyes;
& like the naive girl that I am,
I obeyed.
Ive pulled myself away from everything,
& abandoned my spirits.
Im no longer the person I used to be.
Changing into a stranger I dont even know,
Im finally broken.
Im not strong anymore.
My strength was taken from my own self;
& all this time Ive been sick.
I dont know what to do anymore.
Its too late for me to get better.
& I regret turning my back on everything,
Everyone,
Myself.
Never understood anything,
Because I wasnt allowed to be smart.
My mind had locked me up from day one;
& so I couldnt learn.
But only learned how to bleed.
And so my mind took me somewhere else.
My mind transformed me completely.
& I wish I wasnt here;
To bring all the pain to life,
To be who I am now.

Crystal clear water reveals a **** silhouette
Shiny bubbles show off a beautiful body
The waves iron long silky blonde hair
The flowers rub their colours onto a gentle fair face
And the the plants secure her tiny body
The strength of her arms
Pull back the sea behind her
Shes moving
Shes swimming
Shes singing
And shes so free
And when she moves,
The waves move with her
And when she swims,
The fish swim with her
And when she sings,
The sea shells capture her voice
When the waves move,
Her hair glides along
When the fish swim,
Her fins ride along
When the sea shells steal her voice,
Her heart is so alive
But another side into her life;
The sadness in her eyes;
When she cries noone can see
Because the water hides her tears
Creatures will never know her story
Singing to hide the pain
Noone understood her pain
Alone everyday;
So then exploring makes her thoughts go away
Fears of ships
Fears of boats
Fears of people
Fears of dying
She doesnt want to be found
Her hopes and dreams can never be broken
Hoping to survive,
Dreaming to love
Love another one;
Another half human with fins
And she continues;
Moving
Swimming
Singing
Her journeys continue
Her fears are strong
But her hopes are stronger

In the middle of it all;
Im unable to break through.
Ive been pierced deeply,
& Ive learned how to bleed.
Its tight around my body;
& Im squeezed so hard.
Like Im in my own web that Ive created for myself;
Because Im so trapped.
Im unable to breathe;
Because the thorns are so sharp,
As they pierce me deeply.
Im just slowly losing blood;
Im just slowly losing myself.
Cant move.
Cant scream.
Cant escape.
My veins slowly split into pieces;
& my bones suddenly crack in half.
Im torn apart;
As my heart breaks apart from my body.
Im spinning fast.
Its getting me dizzy.
Its getting me dripping.
& soon Im going to drown in my own blood.
They are too deep inside my skin.
Im deeply pierced on every inch of my body.
& I think its too late to catch my breath;
Because Im choking while Im pierced in the neck.
Its too late to try to escape.
Im caught.
Im trapped;
& I cannot get out.
Im on a bed of thorns.
The wind shoots me with thorns;
& Im held hostage in thorns;
& I cannot escape;
Because they have a hold on me.
Im in the web of danger;
Im in the web of thorns.

They dont release themselves from my mind.
The good ones,
The bad ones;
Both force tears out of my eyes.
& when I used to wish;
I couldnt wait to be older,
Now I wish,
That I had stayed younger.
Flashbacks never fail.
Faces never disappear.
The whispers inside my head never stop.
I can & never will move forward in my life.
The walls are movie theatres;
Everywhere I turn,
Something is playing from the past.
The floors are ice;
I fall for every mistake I've made.
I release so much anger.
I release so much guilt.
I release so much confusion.
& I keep connecting with the past.
& I keep disconnecting with the present.
& I keep fearing the future.
I want to undo this pain;
To reconnect with myself again.
But my mind is in one spot.
Im unable to continue.
I cannot move forward.

Im unable to be free
Im unable to runaway
Im unable to hide
Im forced to obey
Im forced to allow;
To be tortured.
Forced to be made a fool
Forced to lose control
Forced to be weak
Physically, I appear a danger to myself.
I shut the door in front of my own face.
The floor is used for my body to be pushed down;
While I step all over myself.
I appear two-faced;
I behave when people are at my attention.
When noone is around,
I continue to disrespect myself.
My eyes are used to drowning in my tears.
My ears are used to be plugged with hands;
While I listen to negative comebacks,
It shoots my nerves.
My voice wares out form the anger I let out.
And so my breathing appears harsh;
Anxiety never leaves me.
I keep running,
And so Im chased.
I keep hiding,
And so Im found.
I try to smile,
And so I keep frowning.
I try to laugh,
And so I keep crying.
I try to be brave,
And so I appear fearful.
So hard to escape
So hard to defend
So hard to laugh
So easy to be trapped
So easy to be controlled
So easy to cry
My arms appear around my neck;
Strangled,
To stop the breathing.
My feet appear heavy like stones;
I trip myself when I try to walk.
And when I fall,
There is noone to catch me.
My hands dont break my fall anymore
No more strength to block whats hurting me.
& when I use self-mutilation,
My arm is covered in scratches.
My weapon is the knife.
I feel as if there is a stranger following me,
Just waiting to fight me.
Just waiting to hurt me.
I feel as if noones around to help me
Im always left alone to be abused & tortured
My heart can only pump faster
My breathing can only be harder
My anxiety can only get worse
My skin can only heal slower
My conscience can only be scarier;
Only because Im left to fear myself.
& so I will always be unsafe when noones around.

Overworked and stressed
Your body wanted to collapse
But then you fought your weakness
Your strength suddenly came back
You made the sad happy
You made the angry calm
You made the quiet loud
Tired
Frustrated
Stressed
But always had a smile on your face
Hiding from the pain
You pretended everything was ok
And that everything would be ok
But everything was not ok
And this was not ok
Finding the strength to pull through;
That was year 1
And then it overpowered
Another year,
Stronger
Another year,
Becoming weaker
Time was running out
Loved you too much to say goodbye
Loved you too much to be forced to cry
Loved you too much to see the worst
Loved you too much to see you permanently hurt
Rain of tears
Rain of sorrow
Never will this undo
Never will i forget tomorrow
Its over
Its done
But the pain is gone
Its over
Its done
Your suffering has ended
But our pain has begun

When i was deaf, i heard the lies
When i was mute, i screamed and noone heard
When i was blind, i saw what i shouldnt have seen
When i was numb, i felt all the pain
When i couldnt breathe, i took in poison
When i couldnt walk, i was running towards fear
When i couldnt sleep, my life was a nightmare
When i wasnt happy, my enjoyment was danger
When i pushed people away, i allowed evil to replace their spots
When i was alone, the devil was my company
When i was sober, i drank myself to sleep
When i was anxious, my worries continued
When my moods were out of control, the mirror was my enemy
When i was able to hear, i believed everything
When i was able to talk, everyone bad-mouthed me
When my eyes were opened, everyone disappeared
When i gained feeling, i got used to the pain
When i was able to breathe, i needed to find air
When i was able to walk, the path had been broken
When i was able to sleep, i couldnt make a dream
When i was relaxed, the knife showed me how
When the people i pushed away came back, i was being ignored
When i had company, the devil wouldnt leave
When i stopped drinking, my memories had faded
When i was finally stable,
The mirror shattered
And my mind got bored & started again

I just dont understand
I just have to keep questioning
I just want to know
Because Im so confused
Lord you have tricked me
Lord you played games
Lord you have stolen
Why,
The pain
Why,
The suffering
Why,
The ending
I thought everything was going to be ok
I thought everything was going to heal
I thought everything was going to calm down
I thought every piece of sadness was going to end
She who was beautiful
She who was good
She who was harmless
She who was kind
She who was giving
She who was caring
She who was smart
She who always put herself last
She who was a mother
& when there was pain,
Along came the suffering.
& when there was suffering,
Along came the death.
Why did she even start to feel pain?
Why did she even have to suffer?
But Lord you have taken all her pain
Lord you have taken all her suffering
Lord you have finally released her from being prisoned
But now Im the one in pain
Now Im the one suffering
& I dont think I can release myself from all this negativity I have inside me
I cannot gain any strength within my weakness
Because I cant stop crying
& I dont think I can ever see the light again

Its gone really deep into my skin;
As it tears away at my clothes.
It just threatens my body.
Im bruising from the pinches that are pierced within me
They appear almost everywhere on my body.
Im not free from being trapped under;
From being held down.
The force & strength of this creature is getting stronger.
I've been pierced & scratched with nails,
That leave red marks all over my body.
& because I allow it to push me around,
I just give my body away.
So Im thrown from the wall to the ground
Thrown from the ground to the bed
Now he has me in chains
Now he has me controlled
Now hes more aggressive than before
The knife is your hand
The pinches were your hickeys
The nails were your fingers,
Which your nails dig deep inside my skin
So the creature is you
You that has taken me
You that has controlled me
You that has sexed me;
And made me ******.