Reaching to strangle the past
But i was choked first
Ripping through the years
But my days were already ruined
Trying to escape the fears
But my mind was continuously traumatized
Erasing the memories
But my name got washed out fast
Tried to stop the time
But the seconds made life continue
Why the pain
I wanted to stop it
Why the suffering
I wanted to help
Why the anger
I cant control it
Why the depression
I cant stop these tears
Why the bleeding
Take my mind away
When i couldnt do anything
It became worse
When i still cant do anything
The past has ended with ongoing tears
So much drama
I wish i knew alot
So much fighting
I wish i made it stop
So much pain
I just went under and fell forever
When im still trying
Im drowning
How do i fight
My mind never taught me
My every regret punishes my thoughts

I had to learn to control my anger
It turned into danger
When i get angry
Im thought as a drama queen
When my voice is raised
But noone understands
When my body throws itself against the wall
People think im crazy
When i throw things across the room
They think im a maniac
When im hyperventilating
They think im overreacting
When i cry
They just laugh
I picked up my own pieces with some help
I dont want to be broken again
I finally spoke
Dont try to shut me up
I finally opened my eyes
Dont try to cover them
I finally came back to life when i nearly killed myself
Dont make me start over again
Im sane
When i was insane
Im medicated
Do you want me to stop now
Move away from my anger
I can turn into danger
Stay back
Dont speak
Dont look
Dont even breathe
Mind over power
My brain rescues me
Heart over people
My body protects me
Do you remember when she screamed
Do you remember when she cried
Do you remember when she ran out
Do you remember when she wanted to die
Undo yourself from your stupid thoughts
Undo yourself from trying to control me
Talk to me about what you think
And ill pretend im even listening
I wont listen
Im not weak anymore
Im strong enough to fight the pain away
Try to break me;
Try to snap me;
I will only bend like an elastic;
wrapping the nonsense right out of your brain
Dont draw these thoughts again
I broke your pencil
Do you want to test my strength again

Why do i need to search for my strength
Finding my weakness just hurts too much
And i cannot tolerate the pain anymore
I just recently learned who i really am
And who i was
But when im injected,
Its just all fake
Picking through my body,
Picking through my veins,
Picking through my mind,
So i wont go one more time insane
It fills my heart will love
It fills my fears with no worries
It fills my anxiety with no fear
It fills my moods with stability
Is this real
Is this fake
Do i believe
Or did i make a mistake
My body is fighting
Im getting used to the drug
My body is sick & tired
Can i just stay off?
When my tears pour out,
I dont know what to do
Im so confused with life
Is this me
Or is this untrue
Running on fakeness
I wish i could give myself this relief
Running on chemicals
I wish this wasnt me
This is so fake
This isnt me
But if i stop now,
Ill go back the way i used to be
Why couldnt i handle my weaknesses on my own
Why couldnt i make all my fears go
Im hopeless
Im useless
I just cannot give myself life support
If i stop now, im so deadly to myself and other people
If i take it all away now,
My good will turn to evil all over again
My body craves for the fake happiness thats being swallowed and pushed down inside me
This isnt me
I didnt do this on my own
This is so fake
But i need to shut up and swallow what changes me

I became numb because i felt every pain
I became deaf because i heard every lie
I became blind because i saw all the darkness
I became mute because i screamed at all my fears
I couldnt breathe because i started to choke
I felt every pain because i wanted to bleed
I heard every lie because i searched for the truth
I saw the darkness because i tried to find the light
I screamed at my fears because i begged them to disappear
I choked because my hands were around my throat
I wanted to bleed so i could feel what relief was
I wanted the truth because i couldnt trust myself
I wanted the light so i woulnt be so scared
I wanted my fears to disappear because i was my own enemy
I wanted my hands to squeeze everything out of me
I bled but im still not at peace
I found the truth but i still cant trust myself
I found the light but im still scared
I got rid of my fears but im still my own enemy
My hands put an end to harm but everything is still growing inside me

You dont need my approval.
Just do what you think is right.
You dont need my advice.
Cause I know you know what your doing.
Push me down.
Caress my body.
Undo my shadow;
& **** my soul.
Control me.
& just hold me down tightly.
Press your lips against mine;
& just slide your tongue slowly down my body.
Allow your hands to shatter my clothes.
Allow your hands to cuff my wrists.
Allow your teeth to pierce my neck.
Allow your presence to make my blood boil with excitement.
Just make me your victim.
Allow me to attract punishment.
Allow me to seek what your plot is.
Allow yourself to give in more.
No more teasing.
Dont allow me to take your games anymore.
I want you to perform what you whispered in my ear.
Finish what you started;
& start what you plotted.
My body is all yours;
So take advantage.
So kiss me seductively,
Touch me harshly,
Pressure me nicely,
& *** me roughly.
I am the victim who lays in your bed.
So just **** me softly.
In the end,
I wanna die with unstoppable pleasure.

Noisily silent,
While Im quietly loud.
I try to breathe,
While I hold my breath.
Im try to laugh,
While Im crying.
Im trying to speak,
While Im mute.
Im trying to hear,
While Im deaf.
Im trying to see,
While my eyes are shut.
As Im sitting,
Im trying to run.
As my arms are tied,
Im trying to reach out.
As Im on the floor,
Im trying to get up.
I put my sunglasses on when the night has arrived.
The sun comes out,
And I open the umbrella.
So when it rains,
I have no protection;
& its so easy to hide my tears,
As it pours.
When I stare at the water,
I feel like im drowning & panicking.
And In the water,
I seem to think Im flying;
So when Im in the sky,
I try to swim.
When the phone rings,
I refuse to answer.
& when I want to call,
There is no dial tone.
I try to go through the door when its closed;
As it opens,
I back away.
When the music is on,
I hear static.
It plays in my head when the radio is off.
I ignore,
When someone talks to me.
When I finally wanna talk,
They turn their backs.
When I stare at the blades,
My eyes are burning as they are pierced.
When the knife is in use,
Im feeling nothing.
My eyes see,
Im actually hearing.
My ears hear,
Im actually feeling.
My hands feel,
Im actually breathing.
My body moves,
But its all in my head.

I felt closed in as a tried to breathe
I couldnt walk without tripping over my own feet
In a room full of anger;
A room full of emptiness.
But in the dark i was able to see better
And because i saw in the dark,
I saw what i didnt wanna see
I heard what i didnt wanna hear
And i breathed how i didnt wanna breathe
I saw my fears
I heard the noises
I saw the flashbacks
I heard my screams
I felt my chest so tight
The darkness showed me reality
And in the light, everything was hidden
I searched for answers
Answers that i needed to find
My questions were always ignored
I couldnt help myself when i was blind
My arms tried to feel around to see if there was anything sharp to pierce the pain
And then i found my way to quiet my tears
A way that i can no longer hear my screams
I cannot see the danger
I can only feel my fears
If i try to seek the light , i know i will get burned
I stay in the darkness and i see everything
My fears
My memories
My habits
My weakness
My struggles
My emotions
The mirror, in pieces

Too much to think,
My mind has been clogged.
Too much to hear,
My eardrums have stopped receiving sound.
Too much to see,
My eyes have been forced to stay closed.
Too much to breathe;
Too much to speak,
My throat has been tighten so no air can pass through;
& so too much of everything,
The air has stopped my body completely.
..Too much of everything,
I have given up.

Leaving everything behind just for a moment,
This is the time to free my mind.
As I enter a world of amnesia,
I hope all the negativity never haunts me again.
Releasing all stress.
Releasing all anger.
Releasing all depression.
I push away all the problems,
To replace them all with distractions.
A time to run away.
A time to be distant.
A time to be unfocused.
A time to make mistakes.
A time to have fun.
Using the tools of pleasure,
I create a wall to block everything else out.
& when a new world gets created,
Im finally free.

I couldnt plug my ears when the truth came into my mind
Thats when my heart was getting weak and then suddenly, i cried
The days grew heavy just like the hearts that wouldnt stay together
The pouring rain was from my eyes and wasnt from the weather
In shock i couldnt breathe
My dizziness just brought me to my knees
The pain that i needed to fall
I knew this time i lost it all
All i had and all i looked up to
All i looked at and all i spoke to
All i loved and all i followed
Was all i saw that left me in sorrow
Anxiety worsened
Hyperventilation tried to chase you
Anger erased all the happiness within me
And depression created invisible stairs
To me there was no time
The clock wasnt allowed to speak
I curse the day you were taken
I just wanted to be the one who lay peacefully
I stayed inside and closed my door
With force, i cried in silent
With rage & violence, i needed to be tamed
It was the moments i wanted the harm to be quiet
I gathered my thoughts
I gathered my tears
I gathered my memories for the time you painfully disappeared

Everything seems like its ending
My mind is driving me insane
My moods are confusing me
I feel that I have lost everything,
And that everything has turned its back on me.
Im just trapped in my own body,
Because Im not what I use to be.
A stranger has broke me apart,
And is now living inside my soul.
Because when I look in the mirror,
I dont know who that troubled girl is.
The exorcist within me has shown me the dark side;
& made me forget the light.
I just dont care anymore.
Memory has faded from my head.
It was replaced with unknown passages,
And an unknown life.
I dont know where to go
I dont know what to do
I dont know who to talk to
I dont know how to live
Im screaming louder then ever,
But noone can hear me.
Im a mute to everyone including myself.
Im running away,
But im unable to hide.
There is nowhere to run to;
Because I just end up running back to myself.
I use a knife to try to get the stranger out of me;
But all that comes out is blood.
The cuts just remain noticeable & leave me cut up,
With the stranger trapped inside me.
I just feel torn apart,
Because my body is here, but my mind is somewhere else.
God please help me,
Because Im not strong anymore.
I feel like my strength has been ****** out of me,
Because I feel drained.
God please guide me once again;
Because I walked down the wrong path.
I have listened to nobody but myself;
And that is the reason why Im stranded,
The reason why Im abandoned,
The reason why I suffer,
The reason why I negatively changed.
Im a danger to myself.
I let all positivity escape me.
And because Im mentally weak,
I always thought I was strong.
I've brainwashed myself into someone I cannot recognize.
& when I look in the mirror,
The reflection blinds me.
When I turn,
It pushes me right to the floor.
I always fell,
Because I bullied myself,
& was unable to defend.
I have bruised the inside of my body
& left myself scared of my own self.
I know that everything is my fault.
I've given up on everything
I have let people down
I have ignored
I have failed
I have lost interest
I have lost hope
I have lost confidence
I have lost self-respect
I have completely lost myself.

I thought i was so normal
Nothing bothered me
Nothing feared me
Nothing would come over me
I thought this would last forever
But the thoughts i had were all so fake..
The goodnight kisses that stopped
I wanted to stop caring
The conversations that ended
I wanted to stop listening
The calmness in the voice changed
I continuously gave attitude
The sweetness of the personality switched
I became angry
The warm house that held me
I never was home
The room that kept me
I kept slamming the door
The phone that kept ringing
I always hung up
The school that educated me
I kept failing
The knives that lay hidden inside the drawers
I took them, i used them, onto my arms
The money that was spent
I just through away
The help that was brought
I didnt want in the end
They noticed the change
And i denied it all
The nights i left without saying goodnight
The conversations always turned into fights
My voice kept getting louder and my nerves wouldnt stop shaking
My personality would confuse me because it was always changing
My door kept everyone out
So they left me alone and never bothered to shout
Hung up the phone after screaming and yelling
Friends always asking cathy why you snapping
Failing; didnt give a **** about walking the school halls
Everynight, no sleep
Everynight, i bleed
Everynight, drowned myself with alcohol
When i was asked what happen to my arms
I just said nothing
The questions were always ignored
Money came money went
Spending with anger and depression so everything was spent
The fear the anger, the worry, because they were trying to help
They only wanted to save me from myself
What was happening
I really didnt know
I hoped it would all end
I just wanted this negativity to go
I pushed so many people away
Most importantly my own family
Then they were scared to even look at me
I had never stopped and took the time to say sorry
Everything was at its worst
I made the person i wanted to be
I didnt know how i had hurt
I just wanted my mind to stop having contact with me
I made everyone give up
I made everyone scared
I made everyone not talk to me
The people that i loved just wanted to be there
My tears wouldnt stop
I didnt know why this was happening
So confused, i just left it alone
So confused, so i just let myself go
I wanted it to stop
I was so out of control
Why did i hurt people i loved
Why did i even hurt myself
I knew i was slowly fading away

My eyes are blurry and i choose not to see
I always hoped when they open, everything would go back to normal
But its like a waterfall; pouring all over me
Im drenched and cold from the liquid that takes over me
The drops that fell on the floor were for me to slip and fall
The puddles that were made for me to ignore a reflection
I took the drops and i made the puddles
I took the puddles and i made an ocean
The ocean that i was forced to swim in, but then i drowned
And when i drowned, was when i couldnt take no more

Heart of gold
Heart of kindness
Heart of emotions
Heart of strength
What happened to those days that she was moving forward
And life was getting better
Life was finally making sense
What happened to those days she helped so many
And nothing was returned
But her heart was still shining
What happened to those days she was told a thousand lies
And then the truth broke her
But her face was always smiling
Where did she go
I still dont believe it
It feels like that day is still happening
Over and over; my head is a record player
And there is no forward button
Memories sharp
Memories make pain
I wish i could undo what was once taken away
I wish i could bring back a treasure that couldnt be touched
I have been bent and broken way too many times;
But now im shattered
The pieces lay with her resting soul
Until we meet again,
Im separated in a thousand bits
Teary eyes will never leave me
My head is a theatre;
And this movie had a sad ending
One day to be happy
Another day she had to know
Other days to suffer
The last day she was forced to go

For now my body;
Is empty.
My heart used to be complete,
& now one side has died.
Because you were taken away.
Inside im so light,
Because all the heaviness was forced out.
Inside Im so alone,
Because my other part has been taken away.
My head used to be overfilled.
& now it is empty with all that has happened.
& the memories still hide inside of me.
No more solids;
My veins have been shot so many times.
No more liquids;
My body has drowned with the tears I shed.
No more solids;
My heart has been broken.
No more liquids;
My blood has been constantly leaking through my skin.
I have no more protection;
All my strength has been forced out of me.
I have been weakened;
& I cannot defend myself from my fears.
Im unsure of what my moods are
Im unsure of what my head is telling me
Because I have no guidance;
Everything got ****** out of me.
& Im so empty.
Deep inside Im in severe pain.
So much pain;
That I have gone numb.
Noone can undo this.
I cant even undo this.
Everything is just darkness to me;
I can no longer see the light.
Even my spirit has been taken out of my body.
No more happiness;
Replaced with depression.
No more joy;
Replaced with anger.
I appear light-headed.
I appear light-weighted.
Everything has been taken out of me.
So I am;
Hollow

Its all closed
Its all locked
And everything is dark around me
Inside but cant get out
Listening but cant make a sound
Looking but cant see clear
Speaking but noone can hear
Around me i cannot explain
When i try to speak, noone can u understand
And when i try to make them understand, they get confused
Reaching out; this isnt a game
Reaching out; cause im going insane
I wanna close my eyes and then open them without being afraid
But my fears are all around me
My nightmares are out to get me
Im so isolated with fire and i feel im going to burn out
The tension is around me when i try to breathe
I cannot put my air anywhere so i choke
Im hyperventilating inside body; theres no room to breathe
My heart pounds faster but my body is weak
It suddenly stops because im ******* myself in my bones as i try to squeeze
I have no strength; its taken away
My weakness escaped
My strength, locked away
I wanna speak but i choke
I wanna see but my eyes close
I wanna hear but my ears are injected with static
I wanna feel but im so numb
I wanna run but i fall
I wanna breathe but my airway have been blocked
I wanna scream but my mouth is covered
I wanna cry but my eyes are shut tight
I wanna be told that i can escape but im told that i have to remain locked up inside
I wanna ice my skin but i will get frost bitten
I wanna pick myself up but im pinned to the floor
I wanna take in the breaths but my lungs have collapsed
I wanna start over but i cant
I wanna turn back time but it wont
I wanna unlock to escape,
But i threw away the key

Yellow leaves fall to the ground
The trees feel naked,
They have invisible frowns
The colour orange has the pumpkins all bright,
Inside was torn apart,
As the candles shine bright
When the moon comes up
When the lights need to turn off,
Then underneath the sky;
Has people dressed up
The music is loud, its creepy
The volume is high so everyone could scream
Night of terror
Darkness of screams
We fear
We fight
We run
We smile
We laugh
We hide
We hold on tight
Or we dont need to hold on at all
Some scared
Others dont
Some have fun
And others stay home
From the morning to night,
Were being controlled
From the sun to the moon,
We do as were told
Everyday we appear good;
Until that one night we turn our heads like a new stranger takes over our souls
Like it escapes as we sleep in our beds
This is the day,
This is the night
The king of darkness rejoices
His party,
His world
And then the excitement, excited with noises
Red tail
Red horns
Red clothing
Red pitchfork
We cant see,
But we can notice
We cant hear,
But we find the screams
We cant feel
But the cold is on our skin
Red liquid, but the blood is fake
Scary masks, but underneath is a real face
Tricks or treats, everyone can play,
Just remember to keep your eyes open on halloween day

The phone calls reached your ears
But my ears were saddened by the other end
Everyday i called
But everyday got shorter
I heard the weakness in your voice
I heard the change from the words you tried to speak
I just couldnt recognize the strength that suddenly grew so weak
I tried to raise your spirits,
but i couldnt understand the pain
My tears were always hidden
They drowned me as i closed myself in
I knew time was running out and then i wished there was something i could do
There was no voice because you were limited to speak
There was no air that was strong because you were fighting to breathe
Everything was slowing down;
We just tried to understand what you felt
Seeking help; we only heard you in pain
We wished you had healed
We wished you were able to explain
I was confused;
But then i understood
I was dumb;
But then i wasnt stupid
I was dreaming;
But then the nightmare came true
I was deaf;
But then i heard
I was praying;
But then my prayers were ignored
We couldnt hear no more
Then the breathing got slow
It was a nightmare
A terrible nightmare
I wanted to close my eyes and make it all disappear
But when i opened my eyes, it was the pounding heart that disappeared

I opened a wound that i was unable to close
And with the open cut, i couldnt continue to breathe
I learned how to fight without any weapons
And the only weapon i had was my heart that lost it all
I tried to stay calm but my nerves shocked me like a wire
Im burning inside as this wound keeps tearing me apart
Im bleeding outside as my body slowly breaks
And with no strength my bones turn brittle and i start to shake
My heart pounds from the wound that wont heal;
And i just cant make it close
Through the years i loved the pain
The dizziness weighs me down as i stare at the puddle of blood
Inside the liquid, i see my reflection;
A reflection of the damage of what i have done
I should have left it alone
I shouldnt have let it all go
I should have blocked off my mind
I shouldnt have made my heart cry
I lost it all when i opened myself
I lost it all when i didnt listen
I lost it all when i ignored my heart
I lost it all when i created an open wound
And open cut that wont leave because i always wanted it to stay
I got used to all the pain that i went completely numb
I kept trying to find feeling again
But i was so in love with my enemy that brought me all the darkness
The wound that wouldnt heal is still being touched by all my fears

Its silent
Its dark
And i only hear my breathing to the fast pace of my heart
Noones listening
Just myself observing
I tell myself that everything is never gonna be the same
My image broke years ago
Everyday i walk against invisible crutches; that i depend on to guide me through my fears
Sometimes i let go and i wanna fall
Lose all my strength;
Then lose it all
I try to keep my focus
But all i see is the past
I lay down and roll over and keep saying i wanna go back
I cannot return whats been brought to me
I tried to make things work
I tried to heal the hurt
Then reality got worse
The feeling of numbness
But then the feeling of knives
The feeling of loneliness
But then the feeling of my fears beside me
The feeling of hyperventilating
But then the feeling of intoxication
The feeling of anxiety
But then the feeling of being dangerously calm
The feeling of hallucinations
But then the feeling of the reality of life
When i think, I remember
When i remember, i feel the anger
When i feel the anger, i feel the sadness
And then i feel the tears from eyes run down as i cry myself to sleep..

I have made so many mistakes
And now they cannot be fixed
I have walked down the wrong path
And now I will always be lost
I have lost strength
And now I am weak
I have disappointed
And now I cannot make happiness
I have pushed people away
And now I dont know who to go to
I have kept my mouth shut
And now everything is hard to get out
I walked away
And now I cant turn back
I used violence
And now I carry guilt
I have used my voice to yell at everyone
And now I feel bad
I have let down people who encouraged me
And now I feel useless
I have ignored people who tried to help me
And now I feel I cannot even help myself
I have rejected opportunities
And now there are no more chances
I have turned my back on family
And now they have gotten the messages
& my biggest mistake,
& my biggest regret,
The only person I had all these things shoot at you at once;
I have pushed you away
I yelled at you
I turned my back on you
I rejected you
I ignored you
I never showed you happiness
I slammed my door while you walked up the stairs
I walked away in the middle of your apologies
You watched me drown in my own tears
But I didnt let you pull me out
Because I never told you anything
I never released my problems to you
I feel as if you were deaf around me
Because I was scared to talk to you
I feel as if you were mute around me
Because you were scared to talk to me
I denied everything you brought to me
Because I acted like everything was fine
But I knew you werent stupid
I just was stubborn
I was scared what you might think
Because now you see all my problems
But you cannot give me help
Because I can only imagine what you would say to me,
& not what I can hear from you
Your only in my heart
And it kills me to know that your finding out everything that you could have helped me with
I didnt want you to worry
& now Im the one worried
Because Im scared Im gonna walk down a deeper, darker path
If I only listened to you
If I only listened to myself

Broken
Damaged
Shattered
Taken
She lost herself
Depressed
Angry
Anxious
Desperate
She changed drastically
Helpless
Hopeless
Useless
Reckless
She is so not careful
Not normal
Not settled
Not all there
Not perfect
Not sane
She is so weird
Controlling
Ruining
Challenging
Stay away from her
Screaming
Crying
Breaking
Hyperventilating
Insomnia
Bleeding
­She is now a stranger
Fighting,
She lost
Losing,
Shes weak
Weak is her mind,
Her mind is me

I try to speak,
But my mind shuts my mouth
When im silenced, i cannot think anymore
My thoughts are drowning when i try to erase the darkness
And when i try to turn around, the mirror reminds me of what ive become
I try to see,
But my mind closes my eyes
When im blind, i cannot see where im going
Now i walk away from it all; and my true self has gone forever
Im hidden
I try to breathe,
But my mind suffocates me
Im full of anxiety and i have to hyperventilate to know how to release the air within my weak lungs
I try to move,
But my mind breaks me
My bones are all broken from the mistakes i have made
I purposely ran through the walls; then i had to fall
I try to feel,
But my mind numbs me
All the pain was too much from the hurt i created;
Now i feel nothing
The feeling i have is all frozen inside me
I try to think,
But my mind blocks me
I cannot remember how to speak,
See,
Breathe,
Move,
Feel

I hear the footsteps behind me as i get startled
Then suddenly i start to use my legs as i run past my fears
Im being chased but i dont see anyone
My heart is racing but why am i running?
Im being threatened but the voices disappear
And i cannot see the person that was near
My arms are marked
My skin, it bleeds
My heart is stabbed
Im pushed on my knees
I cant get up because i was pushed
On the floor i went blind as i lose whoever is following me
Its in my house now
Im scared to make a sound
If i move, im going to fall to the ground
Now its in my room
Im being held down
Im choking from the hands that are tightly wrapped around
Am i going crazy?
Am i going insane?
I mistake the invisible for myself
The suspect is my own mind

All at once,
Everything interferes.
All at once,
Everything jumps in.
I cannot handle the depression anymore
I cannot handle the anxiety anymore
My mind keeps driving me insane
& I cannot focus anymore
I feel as if Im being tied down
But really im not,
Im only feeling an invisible rope on my wrists;
And noticing something else.
Im feeling so much pressure;
But nothing is touching me.
I cannot think anymore.
Everything is stuck inside my head;
And I dont recognize anything anymore.
Im up against the wall because I cant breathe anymore.
Everything is closing in on me.
I have forgotten how to think
I have forgotten how to breathe
I have forgotten how to speak
I have forgotten how to see
I forgotten how to hear
Everything distracts me
So I have forgotten how to function

I went overboard until i crashed
I went under and my body got smashed
I couldnt stop
I couldnt help myself
I couldnt remember
I was too distant from myself
My eyes were closed when they should have been open
And when they were, all i saw were open wounds in front of my face
I couldnt feel anything;
I was so numb
And when i had feeling, it was only inside my heart with the aches of torture
Im bleeding but i only see
What im feeling is deep regrets in between all my scars
Then i became a porcelain doll,
I was held with my own arms,
Then i purposely fell out
I broke all over the floor
And to stop my blood from escaping, i sewed myself back to life
Im together but its forced
Now im scarred from head to toe
Its the time to be careful now
One more fall then i will stay down
Just allow me to pull my own string
The string that holds my body
The string that i had to put in
Everything is so fake
My mistakes bring me to the end;
Im new but im still torn
Im together but underneath im scarred
I stand but i force my fall
I laugh but when noone looks i cry
I look good until you see my skin
Im together until i pull my string...

I cannot be the person I used to be
Its hard for me to release the stranger thats inside me
All this negative energy needs to stop
I just want it to end
I try so hard to see myself,
But all I see is an inner enemy
I just want to shatter to pieces;
To release whats inside of me,
Then put my pieces back together cautiously;
So nothing else gets trapped inside me
But instead I keep bleeding
I keep getting weak
I keep getting dizzy
I keep releasing what I shouldnt be releasing
But everything is escaping
& I keep abusing myself
& So Im always drained
Why cant I release whats inside me
I just want to be myself again
Because the mirror is always lying
I cannot breathe no more
Because now Im claustrophobic
I feel as if everything is pushing me in a corner,
& I cannot make any holes
My inner enemy has brought negativity into my soul
& so now my head is filled with drama
My mind has suddenly changed
Because it gives me wrong information
& this is why Im troubled
I have taught myself the wrong things
& excluded the right things
Now I have noone to show me the right path
& I knew I was always wrong to listen to myself
& I knew I was stubborn
& I knew other people were right
& now I know I cant ever trust myself with anything
Anymore
I have failed

The racing flashbacks that i feel,
Are allowing me to want the painful past again
I grabbed a glass that i shouldnt have filled
I grabbed the keys that i shouldnt have taken out
I grabbed a knife that i shouldnt have used
I grabbed a habit that i should have refused
I silenced my past with a cover i want to take off
I hid my secrets under a blanket i want to rip off
I erased my thoughts with the eraser attached to my heart
I broke all my habits with the fights i had to start
I emptied the glass
I threw out the keys
I took away the knife
I broke my habits
But now i cant sleep
Im sober but inside i feel drunk
Im smarter but inside im driving myself crazy
My arms are clean again but inside i still bleed
The habits are gone but inside my head i keep repeating them
Appearance can fool
A story can lie
I cannot explain whats deep down inside

I feel the burning of the heat go through my body
And now the humidity squeezes my head so that im unable to think
The water is filling up my space quickly
And then i feel myself drowning as i try to swim
The darkness traps my dreams
And now my nightmares broke through my strength
I feel the anxiety creeping up because suddenly i feel numb
Then im hyperventilating; and now im unable to breathe
I feel my heart pounding as my moods make a switch to confuse me
One minute its happiness the next is depression
I dont know what im feeling
When my head is squeezed
When my body is drowning
When my weakness is gone
When my fears are scary
When i cannot breathe
Is when im out of control
When i try to defend myself
Is when my fears are stronger than my soul

I hear voices,
My own voices;
Negative and positive
One voice to fail,
Once voice to succeed
But my ears fall under a spell that cannot be broken
My mind is telling me to leave
Listening to a broken soul,
Im struggling, im fighting
Who is this voice thats trying to speak
Where is this voice thats trying to see
I disappeared
And i didnt come back
Inside a cage im locked
The key is inside my mind
My heart tries to break through
But it weakens
Im trapped
Unable to escape
Pounding into my chest;
My throat is trying run
I cannot breathe,
Because the pace of my heart is choking me to fear
Now my heart bleeds,
Bleeding into a body
This is how it speaks
What is it trying to say? Im confused
Its trying to talk to me
In my ears it whispers;
"I miss you please come back"
I hear but i dont understand
Im blind but i can only see the darkness deep inside my soul
I cannot move
I cannot think
Where am i supposed to go? I ask my heart
My mind wont let me escape
The repetitive signals from the heart,
Is killing me each time it tries to speak
I cannot follow
I cannot leave
Its not easy
And my heart wants me to sneak
Im hyperventilating now
I know im going to fall
Im dizzy,
Im nautious
What is it trying to tell me
Im having bad anxiety
My hot flashes are starting
My face is red
My body is trembling
My skin is sweating
These attacks are getting worse
My tears force themselves through my eyes
Its forcing me to cry
My head is killing me
My mind is punishing me
I dont want to do this no more
I dont want to suffer no more
If i come back to myself will things be better?
If i come home to myself will it all disappear?
The heart craves what it wants
But the mind takes what it can steal
The heart screams
The mind fights back
The heart cries
The mind laughs
The heart pulls
The mind pushes
The heart blocks
The mind breaks
The heart begs
The mind ignores
The heart wants to heal
The mind continues to bleed
The mind creates darkness
And so the heart turns black
The mind creates tension
And so the heart pumps faster
The mind creates fears
And so the heart races
The mind creates anxiety
And so the heart beats faster
The mind creates anger
And so the heart turns cold
The mind creates depression
And so the heart breaks
The mind creates a stranger
And so the heart wants to stop

White as snow;
Her face is so tender
Eyes that sparkle;
Like the crystal blue sky
Red like an apple
Her lips shine bright
Black like a silhouette
Her hair is so dark
Wicked, but there was still beauty somewhere else
The mirror of an evil queen talks the truth;
And ruins her each time
The evil in her eyes,
Stare at the innocent princess
Death was waiting
Death was sleeping
Working hard to please the queen,
The weapon of terror had him scared for the life of an innocent child
The huntsman sadly agreed to her dreams
In seconds she was frightened when she saw him lift the axe,
And then she didnt understand why...
"Run" he said
"Why" she responds
"She wants you dead"
Into the forest;
The character- like forest
She runs
She hurries
Her heart beating fast with fear
Shes so confused
Shes so afraid
And then her fragile body gave out;
Fallen to the ground
So tired;
So exhausted
So shocked
The day light came
And so she was awake with cute animals of the forest
The air breathes into her lungs as she gains oxygen once again
Up she gets
Off she walks
It was like nothing happened
Her new friends hint a house waits for her company
Into the house
Exhausted; she finally gets to sleep
Until an unexpected door
Opening frightens her suddenly
7 men
7 little men welcome her stay
Her story had sadden them;
And agreed she stayed
Insisted she stay forever
A smile was always on her face
But deep inside shes broken
And its so awful when someone;
Your family; wants to **** you for beauty..
Days pass
Nights pass
Shes nowhere to be found
She finally found out the truth behind it all
The queen with the evil intentions will stop at nothing
Mixing potions,
Reading a book
And then when she drinks,
The liquid eats away at her beauty
The black dark image of an old lady changes her appearance completely
And then for her final magic,
The innocent apples were tricked into a ***
A red fruit had drowned in poison,
To feed an innocent body
To work the men went,
So to the house the old lady missioned
And the kindness in the princess' heart couldnt say no,
To opening the door to an old stranger
A lie was told next
A big lie that goes wrong
"These are magic apples" she smiled
And then snow white was so amazed that her wish was not going to come true...
The music in her stomach
The light in her eyes
Her watery lips were begging for a quench
As she opened up,
The whiteness in her teeth started to go brown.
As she took her first bite,
She felt so strange
"I feel strange" she worried
Weakness; shes so weak
A faint covered the floor and held her body
Her fragile body had fallen
She laughs
She rejoiced
"Now im the fairest in the land"
Not for long she had the happiness
These men were ****** when they saw what happened
The mountains were just screaming for her to come
She ran
They ran faster
The storm got stronger
Her body became lighter
And then suddenly to the ground she fell
Death was actually waiting for the wickedness of the land
Now another body to worry about
To cry
To pray
To dream
Into a glass casket,
They just couldnt hide her
She lay there broken,
Fragile,
Weak,
Lifeless
Not even the tears of 7 sets of eyes awakened her
And a miracle was going to approach
The prince of magic was shocked
Its over he thought
But then he opened the glass
His mouth met her soft red lips
Only seconds later they all had to wait
Her long lashes moved
Her big beautiful eyes opened
Her lips smiled
And then her body gained all the strength
The hugs, the kisses
A beautiful princess was back into the life of her loved ones
The horse is the ride,
And now the path leads them off
Happily ever after
Happily in love

Allow me to escape.
I wanna just forget everything;
& leave everything behind me.
I need to disappear;
Run from all the problems.
I need to erase myself from everything.
I dont wanna be seen anymore.
I cant look at myself in the mirror anymore;
Allow me to shatter it to pieces.
I wanna be invisible on the floor;
So I can step all over myself,
Step on my chest to stop breathing.
I wanna just end my heart;
End myself.
End my life.
Its too much to handle.
Im going crazy.
I need to be distant from everything & everyone.
I just dont know what to do anymore.
Im unable to control myself;
& everything around me.
I wanna close my eyes,
& never wake up.
I wanna lock myself away from the world;
Throw away the key,
& hide where noone can find me.
Now I need to carve a button on my skin with a knife;
Called delete.
& when I press on it,
I slowly bleed my life away.

Slowly walking into a room with fresh flowers
Beautiful colours
Beautiful creations
Beautiful scents
Deep breath
I close my eyes
Deep breath
And then I cry
The anxiety
The anger
The sadness
The sorrow
The memories
Walking where the flowers lead to her new bed
The sent gets stronger
I get weaker
But I need to get closer
I'm as close as ill ever be
Surrounded by flowers all around her & me
The beautiful creations weren't supposed to be the only ones alive
The beautiful creations were forced to make everyone cry
Stripping the happiness
Bruising the anger
Drowning the eyes
Poking the ears
Shattered the mouth
Breaking the nose
Now the scent will never make me forget
It's a memory
It's a flashback
It's a sorrow
That will never leave my head
As I smell a flower,
It burns
It hurts
I remember
Going back to that time
When those flowers scented the room
The memory of what happen
The memory of the last day
The memory of the room
When I had to say goodbye forever

When the pain started
I prayed the weakness would end
But every night i kept wondering if my words were getting ignored
Every morning was a test that God had to pass
To see if she was better
To see if her weakness had left
Each day i noticed the changes
Each day i noticed her eyes
Each day i noticed she couldnt handle no more
Each day i had tears in my eyes
& whenever suffering was brought to her
The suffering was brought to me
I felt so much anger
I felt so much sadness
I felt so much confusion
I felt so much guilt
My feelings grew so strong when I learned the truth
My feelings were mixed up because i didnt know what to do
I asked myself if i was the villain
Then I answered myself;
God is
My questions were unanswered
My prayers were ignored
My head was injected with lies
From God, doctors, and much more
The time went by so fast
But her breathing was so slow
Undoing the weakness within her heart
Her strength was forced to let go

It was in the past when I was so out of control
And now I have been introduced to something new
Now my body is so dependable to a drug that takes me away from the pain
It accepted a new soul that was buried deep inside
Into my body
I'm injected with happiness
All my depression and self-mutilation has disappeared
Into my body
I'm injected with relief
I have no more anger
Into my body
I'm injected with breath
Hyperventilation has disappeared
Into my body
I'm injected with relaxation
My heart is beating normal again
But when will I learn to do this all on my own?
Am I getting support for the rest of my life?
Can it get ****** out of my body?
Or will I lose myself again
And if I miss,
It's like my body is shutting down on me
Withdrawal takes its place
I cannot do this all on my own
I will never be able to push it away
I will never learn to control myself
Forever injected

A long way with so many fears
Every day with a million tears
Still not over it
Still havent fought it
And its eating me up inside
When the air turns cold thats when i get to breathe
Thats the only way my air allows me to see
My heart is getting weak from the strength that got away
My head is getting tired from all these that run around in my mind
I shut my eyes and i get scared
When day turns to night
My dreams turn to nightmares
But all i can be is silent
I feel like im choking
Feels like im gasping for air
I cannot remember how to breathe
I cannot remember to hear or how to continue to see
Im so numb
How did i go numb?
I lost all feeling and this is the worst
The physical pain is gone, but its forever hurting me inside
Im bleeding from the inside out and i dont know how it will stop
As i try to hide these scars,
New ones open slowly as i look away
The beginning it was easy
It was all i had to be innocent for
In the middle i was stuck
It was all i had to be scared for
In the end it was never solved
It was all to be hated for
What happen to the time that the pieces were together?
And then i broke that promise
My body broke forever
I broke all the promises to myself;
To be who i had to and not who i wanted to
I just couldn't follow the rules
I turned my back on my heart and allowed my mind to take over
I didnt care,
I couldnt care at all
Lost
Confused
Everything was so blurry
I lay there almost lifeless
I couldnt continue a smile
I couldnt make a laughter happen
I cannot remember all those times i had to change
All i can remember is how i became this way
All the thoughts
All the fears
And all the good memories have disappeared
The colours on me
They turned away from it all
I can only see black shadows that disappear when i go near my own body
I faded myself away

Closed doors are locked behind me
Im wanting to escape,
But my strength wont get to work
Im wanting to go back,
But the future wont let me
Everytime i breathe,
My heart locks
Everytime my heart beats,
My blood pours out
Everytime my blood escapes,
I collapse
My mind is dead
While my body struggles
My body fights
While my heart tries to keep up
My heart stops
While my breathing gets weak
My strength leaves me
Im punching the walls
Im scratching the floors
Im pulling the doors
Im trying to open my mind
Im trying to gain strength
Im trying to gain courage
Im trying to gain trust
But i cannot help myself
How do i bail out
How do i free myself
How do i reach the key
Its trapped in my mind

Shut everything,
Everyone out
Im giving up slowly
The past is slowly haunting me
Its spinning my body im circles
And so im dizzy everyday
I had fallen so deep into the trap of fear
And then i wonder what im doing here
Am i ready to move on
Am i ready to change
Or will my moods only keep changing
And then i remain unbalanced
If i undo the medicated life, im crazy
If i remain on the medicated life, im still crazy
I can and will never win
Will i ever win back what i once had
Or what i once wanted
When will it end
Never
When will i stop fearing
Never
When will i stop crying
Never
When will i start learning
Never
When will i be normal
Never
When will i breathe on my own again
Never

When strength was taken from me,
I lost my mind, body and soul
And when i found myself, it was only because i was looking into a
mirror
My heart was shattered from my mind
So i was never able to love myself back to life
Forgotten who i was,
The new person had been confused
Forgotten who i was,
The new person had been brainwashed
Forgotten who i was,
The new person had been angry
Forgotten who i was,
The new person became dangerous
So much pain,
I wanted to end myself
I didnt know how to undo the hurt that i had within my body
Nothing made sense
Nothing changed me
My weakness was lost forever
The tears washed away the pain only temporarily
And then it all came back again
I never questioned myself
I only bossed myself around
And then i abused myself
I just couldnt take it anymore
Something had to be done

Stuck;
Unable to move.
Forgotten,
I have died inside my own body.
Lost,
A stranger has taken over me.
And like an evil spirit erupting,
I think it was born inside me.
The new life of an unknown person,
Now lives inside my body.
My original character has been beaten
Tortured to pieces.
& my new character is just outta control.
Thinking how I used to be,
Now I dont even know myself anymore.
From calm to angry.
From happy to sad.
From good to bad.
From innocent to guilty.
I have been torn.
I have been mentally abused.
And now I cant even look at myself mirror;
And say,
"You are going to be ok."
The moods are taking over me.
And I wish I knew how to control myself.
I wish my mind was stable.
But its just so twisted.
Im so confused,
& I dont know what to do anymore.
What Ive become,
Frustrates me.
My nerves dont know when to stop shaking.
My heart;
My breathing,
Doesnt know when to slow down.
& Im just a different person every second,
Every minute,
Every hour,
Everyday.
& so the mirror keeps defending itself,
As I try to see who I really am.
But Im too deep inside inside my body.
Im so locked up.
My true self will never come through.
My true self will never appear.
& when I act up,
& when I go crazy,
& when I explode,
& when I disappear,
& when Im mentally changing,
Its just not me.
Im hidden away forever.

Beginnings are so happy
We think nothing will get in the way
We think it will last forever
We think nothing will ever change
Day after day
Its a routine
To smile, to laugh
Without any worry
Night after night
Kisses before we leave
With love and appreciation
Tomorrow there would be more light to see
Week after week
Coming home, straight to the bedroom
No time to say hi or talk
Only coming down when there is food
Month after month
Different emotions in the day
Happy at night
Noone knows whats going on
And there was nothing to say
Year after year
Everyday the anger and going out of control
Everyday the disappearance
Everyday a story had to be told
Good to bad
Calm to angry
What was happening
Noone knew
A sudden change that bursted
Now its someone knew
Happy to sad
Nice to mean
A weakened heart, a weakened soul
An unknown life that was waited to unfold

To walk away from.
To turn my back on.
To ignore all.
I wanna leave everything,
& I want everything to leave me.
I wanna just walk out on everything.
To forget the past.
To forget what's going on.
& not think about the future.
I just want the wind to blow away all the problems,
All the fears,
All the mistakes,
& all the regrets.
I wanna close my eyes,
& end up in another world.
I cant handle patience.
I want everything to be over now,
& allow everything to escape.
I just feel the need to get away from the issues.
Im unable to solve everything.
Ive lost interest in trying to make things better.
Ive lost interest to put things back in place.
& being broken,
I wouldnt know where to start.
Im trying to focus.
Im trying to think.
But I cant.
Ive turned the light off in my head,
So I dont see anything.
The darkness hides what I dont wanna deal with.
I need to take myself away from here.
I need to leave.
I need to go far;
Far away to escape everything.
To lose myself;
To lose everything,
To forget everything.

Its hard to explain
Just let me breathe
Don't pressure me
Dont force me
Dont question me
I cannot think
What am i going through?
Is it a rebound of depression?
A rebound of this illness?
I cant breathe
Its really hard to breathe
Just let me go
My tears are stuck
But i still wanna cry
Im in a mixed up emotion that hasnt been created yet
Im still fighting for an answer
Im just lying here not knowing what to do
I only hear my heart
And then the rest is just silence
My fears are coming back
My anxiety is awake
I think my body is finished now
Finished with all the rehab
Now im afraid
Is my heart really giving up?
My mind wants to take over once again
I really dont wanna do this
Do i have a choice?
Where is my strength?
Is my weakness coming back?
I have to try and win the fight again
Im so confused
Im so silent
I really dont wanna start all over again
My thoughts are so blank
I dont know what i want
I dont know what im supposed to be thinking
Unless this is the end
The end of rehab
The end of help
Is it wearing off?
Did it have enough?
Please dont let it give up on me now
Im not ready to be on my own

My heart is racing
I cannot feel any beats
My breath is fast
Im starting to choke
& its my mind, body, and soul being chased
Im trying to escape,
But theres no way out
& everywhere i turn is a circle;
Its the same path that keeps the problems stuck to my side
How do i jump through a window,
Without falling
How do i start to escape,
Without myself finding me
How do i find a new path,
Without getting lost
How do i find a new door,
Without having to unlock it
This doesnt feel safe
Everything is sharp
This doesnt look safe
Everything is so dark
This doesnt sound safe
Im telling myself run
But i cannot hide
I just want to hide
My eyes are closed forever
Running scared
Running weak
Running worried
Running anxious
Running sad
Running angry
Fear is chasing me
Myself is chasing me
Why cant i breathe
Why cant i function
Why cant i stop
Everything is just controlling me
So someone please rescue me
Someone please open my eyes
I cannot rescue myself
Im so tired of running away

I feel empty,
Because I use to be full of joy.
I feel lost,
Because I was never able to lose track of myself.
I feel confused,
Because I used to be focused.
I feel scared,
Because I use to be brave,
I feel stupid,
Because I use to be smart.
I feel insecure,
Because I use to be able to protect myself.
I feel cold,
Because I use to give myself warmth.
I feel depressed,
Because the happiness has left my soul.
I feel blind,
Because I am now unable to see.
I feel deaf,
Because I am now unable to hear.
I feel mute,
Because I am now unable to speak.
I feel I cannot breathe,
Because I am always gasping for air.
I feel unstable,
Because now Im always falling.
I feel abused,
Because the dangerous one is me.
I feel that I have lost all control,
Because everything has taken over me.

I dont wanna tell myself anymore;
Because I dont wanna believe it.
I feel as though Im having a nightmare;
& Im unable to wake up.
I try to tell myself that I will see you one day.
But its so hard to know that you are not ever coming back.
I cannot stay positive;
Because Im just lying to myself.
& when Im negative,
I make myself worse.
I cry every night.
I think every second.
I **** myself everyday to make up for those times that you suffered.
& things wont ever be the same again;
Because you were the other half of me,
& now Im completely broken.
The long vacation your on,
Means your never coming back.
I wish I could have came with you mom.

Its getting harder to breathe each time the pressure rises
I tried to remove the weight thats weighing me down
But each time i try, i get more heaviness upon my chest
My lungs are getting crushed
My heart is getting squeezed
My bones are getting brittle
My skin is torn
My body is becoming weak
Im starting to break
But my mind is already broken
The air is escaping from my body;
Then i appear dizzy
I can no longer feel;
Im so numb;
Im so drowsy
I feel that im suffocating invisibly
I cannot breathe, but nothing is touching me
My words are strangling me
My thoughts are pushing down on me
My fears are the ones that are crushing me
Now my shoulders are sore,
They carried my own twisted world
My arms are *******,
I used a rope to pull myself in
My legs cannot move anymore,
I kicked myself on the ground
Now i lay underneath it all,
Im stuck below all my mistakes

My heart suddenly stopped.
In so much shock;
I can barely move.
I cant stop daydreaming;
& Im trying to think about what had just happened.
Its like there is a lock inside my chest;
Attached to my lungs,
And the key to unlock my airway has disappeared.
My body has been collapsed;
I suddenly fell to the ground.
An anxiety attack;
Crying.
Im being controlled.
Scared,
Confused.
I dont know what I should do.
Choking;
Trying to remember how to breathe,
Im getting so nervous.
Im getting so frustrated.
The messages that Im trying to send,
Just arent passing through.
A wall tears me & everything else apart.
And its like a knife stabbed me in the throat;
Just blocking my strength,
To try to breathe.
Im pushing hard,
But my mind is locking me away.
I have no more strength,
I have no more power,
I have no more energy;
To breathe.
Mentally I have stopped breathing.
Emotionally my heart has stopped.
Physically I have no control.

I've been punched with dizziness,
Not with my fist.
I've been hit with drunkenness,
Not with alcohol.
I've been sexed with pleasure,
Not with a man.
I've been injected with energy,
Not with a needle.
I've been burnt with warmth,
Not with fire.
I've been pushed with strength,
Not with my hands.
I fell with pressure,
Not with my feet.
I've been cut with relaxation,
Not with a knife.
I've been brainwashed by my conscience,
Not by myself.

Suddenly hit from inside my body;
My heart pounds hard
It bangs on the walls of my skin;
It bangs on my lungs while i try to breathe slower
The vibration makes my blood boil
Then my veins are shaken up
I cannot control my nerves
I cannot control my lungs
I cannot control my heart
I cannot control anything at all
Its so hard to breathe when the fighting is difficult
Im fighting to stay calm
Im fighting to bring back my strength
But all i feel is weakness
All i feel is pain
Breathing without air;
I choke
Speaking without a voice;
Im silenced
Hyperventilation has lead me to dizziness
Im feeling numbness within my body
Screaming has lead me to harm my throat
Im feeling limited on what i have to express
I cant move
I cant think
I cant rely on myself anymore for anything
I cant see
I cant hear
I cant make nightmares disappear
I cant speak
I cant breathe
I cant get rid of my fears that are inside of me