Unresponsive as i try to think it through
I try to undo this pain, but i cannot erase what has already been left permanent
Nothing has healed
I know, because im still wounded
Nothing was sealed
I know, because i tried every bandage
Nothing was stitched
I know, because i still bleed
Bruises fade
But the scars remain
I bleed through every tear with every pain
Im drenched in my tears
I drown as i weep
I cannot control the emotions that have a hold on me
The movies in my mind never ends
The pictures in my head never changes
The memories in my brain still wanders
My body suddenly weakens as i try to stand up to myself
I try to be the one to stop it all, but i made it worse
The sadness that i express, creates a pounding heart that shakes
The sadness that i express, creates a shaky heart that breaks
The sadness that i express, creates a broken heart so lost
Lost inside the cage of darkness
The darkness holds me without a key
Without a key, im inside a square
The square with mirrors all watching me
I watch myself try to overcome my fears
I watch myself never allowing to stop my tears

Uncontrollable disaster appeared inside my head
Physically, i was strong to one kind of abuse
Mentally, i was weak to different kinds of abuse
Emotionally my weakness continued for years
All the doors closed when my head turned the other way
The only door that remained opened was the mirror
But i shattered it so many times
That the pieces cut me like a knife
I kept bleeding inside myself
Then it poured out through my eyes
I kept bleeding outside myself
Then it poured right back inside
There were lonely nights that i made so dangerous
There were quiet nights that i hyperventilated
There were dark nights when i was fighting fear
There were lights on at night when i stayed up for days
There were days that i covered my arms
There were days that my throat was dry
There were days that i lost the fights
There were days that i was over tired
I wanted to give up
I wanted to end
I wanted to leave
I wanted to say goodbye to it all
The pain was so deep
I was pierced with so many swords
Inside my body i mentally died
Smiles were never thoughts
Laughing was just to hide
Anxiety was not a choice
Hyperventilation was uncontrollable
Anger was everyday
Crying was too hard to stop
Alcohol
Mutilation
***
Was the only happiness i knew
Drunk
Bleeding
Guys
Was the only way out
My worst nightmare i had was seeing myself alive
And the best dream i had was seeing myself dying
Slowly i ignored my family
Slowly i ignored my friends
Slowly i ignored myself
Suddenly i stopped listening to my family
Suddenly i stopped listening to my friends
Suddenly i stopped listening to myself
Sadly i turned cold towards my family
Sadly i turned cold towards my friends
Sadly i turned cold towards myself
Everyone tried to talk to me
And i pushed them away
Everyone tried to be nice
And i turned the other way
Everyone was scared to come near me
And i backed away
Everyone thought i was crazy
And i was
I finally disappeared
I drowned in my own tears
I tripped over my own feet
I choked on my own oxygen
I punched my own mirror
I disrespected my own heart
I bled from my own hands
I hurt my own self

I still remember all the fun
Those times that i didnt know how to worry
I still remember being quiet
Those times that i wouldnt bother anybody
I still remember the excitement
I still remember the games
I still remember the happiness
Positivity was always the same
I will remember the changes
I will remember the words
I will remember the confusion
I will remember the sudden anger
I will remember the distance
I will remember the screams
I will remember being lost
I will remember how i suddenly couldnt see
Always thinking what i could have done
Always thinking what i could have said
Always thinking how to go back
Always thinking; then i cried in my bed
Always thinking not to fail
Always thinking not to be scared
Always thinking not hide
Always thinking to be prepared
I wont forget how i started to bleed
I wont forget how i couldnt speak
I wont forget how i fell to me knees
I wont forget how i couldnt breathe
I wont forget that i picked up the knife
I wont forget that i ignored the people who cared
I wont forget that i slipped away
I wont forget that i smelled poison air
I will never forget my mistakes
I will never forget my regrets
I will never forget what i have done
I will never forget who left
I will never forget what is now scarred
I will never forget what i could have changed
I will never forget that i went too far
I will never forget all the shame

Im floating inside my own body;
I died within my soul
My spirt lifted high, and now im stuck inside my own sorrow
Outside i couldnt take no more
I couldnt take no more life
I breathed in too much *******
Now the air i breathed had polluted my lungs; and now its stuck deep inside
My heart is black now
So then i realized that the red heart was a target;
And the blood within had been punctured, then ****** out.
So now im so empty
I have no more strength inside me
When i try to fight, i just break myself
And then i fall and i cant get back up
Now im inside a hole
Its so dark; its so black
I feel like im stuck because i have nowhere to run
Im at the bottom of it all
And i cannot get myself out; i buried myself too deep
Now i cannot breathe
The feelings that got hurt was cut into my skin and then like a big scar that cover my body
I want to escape but i cant
Im the one who put up these walls; these walls that closes me in
Im the one that closed my door; the one that i locked myself in
Im the one who used a knife; that made me bleed, and made me fight
Im the one who abused the mirror; and changed my moods when i look deep inside
Im the one that opened my own eyes;
That whenever i cry, everything that was deep, had been thrown up outside

Listen to me guide you to my body;
I wanna whisper something in your ear,
& then act it out.
Listen to my plan;
Agree with what I ask of you;
& shut the door behind you.
Listen to my rules;
You have no choice but to obey me.
Just listen to me;
Allow your lips to read mine.
Just listen to me;
Allow us to caress eachother's body.
Listen to me;
Let us increase our energy levels.
Listen to me;
Let us open the bed.
Listen to me;
Let us strip eachother's clothes.
Listen to me;
Pick me up, then push me down.
Listen to me;
Let us finally heat up the room.
Now listen to me scream with pleasure.

I cannot breathe
I cannot move
And im frozen in shock
Im in shock from the pain
Theres a path i was forced to take
Now the path is broken but i still made the mistake
It broke when i started
Now im near the end
I cannot go back
I cannot start again
I always felt like giving up
I was always close
Close enough to scare people
The feeling of finally breathing;
But hyperventilated to the floor
When i was struck,
When i was down,
The tears drowned me as they burned my wounds
My opened wounds, i couldnt leave
I just kept them covered and thought this was so normal
I just shut everyone out
And the only person i was allowed to listen to was myself
Then it all became worse
I couldnt break free
I was trapped in my own head, into my own body
I finally got the hang of it;
Knowing who to listen to and knowing who to ignore
I forced to choose all the wrongs
When i was supposed to learn all the rights
I was my own bad influence
But i wanted this;
I needed this
I was so convinced that i was fine on my own
In the end i begged not to be alone with myself
Each night i cried
Each night i struggled
Each night i just couldnt sleep
I was my own nightmare that i wanted to wake up from
But it never stopped
I just wanted it to stop
Behind closed doors i wanted to scream
But when the door was open,
I would just be silenced
People questioned
People wondered
People were so concerned
And i just ran away from the advices that i ignored
I tried to listen but the i suddenly couldnt here
I went deaf;
It wanted me deaf
And then i was so lost
It was so hard
So hard to allow my voice to travel
And it was like i always wanted to get myself in trouble
As i stared into the mirror, i watched me with hate
I knew i had an enemy
I knew it would always stay
I watched myself cry
But i didnt feel the same
I watched myself fight
But i never won
I watched myself be alone
But i never wanted anyone
I watched myself turn
And i never went back
I watched myself break
And the pieces were never found

I have asked for silence,
Not to go deaf or unable to speak.
I have asked for everything to be gone,
Not to go blind.
I have asked to breathe calmly,
Not to completely stop breathing.
I have asked to relieved,
Not to go weak.
I have asked to forget things,
Not to have amnesia.
I have asked to dim the lights,
Not to be trapped in the darkness.
I have asked to stop the nightmares,
Not to stop sleeping.
I have asked to stop crying,
Not to stop all emotions.
I have asked to cool down,
Not to freeze.
I have asked to be warm,
Not to boil with heat.
I have asked to be patient,
Not to wait forever.
I have asked to stop all the problems,
Not to stop everything.
I have asked to turn away from the mirror,
Not for it to break me.
I have asked that things go back to normal,
Not for everything to appear as something worse.
I have asked to change myself,
Not to be changed into a stranger I dont even know.

I never cry for no reason
The tears never leak without a push
The greatest sadness depends on the mind, body, & soul
Before these tears, I try to fight
Then theres a push on my lungs that moves up to my throat
Anxiety has arrived;
It never goes
My throat locked itself from the air that passes through
I tried to breathe one last time, but my strength was too dry
So finally, I cried

My feet are burnt but not from the ground
I walked on fire that i started down below
My body is hot but not from the sun
I covered my body with a blanket to hide my scars
My hair is moving but not from the wind
Its being pulled from the hands thats attached to my body
I hear voices and its not the seashells
Im talking harshly to myself inside my head
I cannot see but the dust is innocent
Im covering my eyes so i wont have to see the truth
I cannot breathe but its not the humidity
Im hyperventilating because of my fears
I hide, and its not behind the rocks
I disappear from the reflection in the water who tries to find me
Im bleeding but not from broken glass
I unleash my liquid with purpose and open the cuts of sorrow
Im thirsty but not for water
I want the hydration from the strength that im lacking deep inside
Im tired but not from nature
My heart is pounding from my body that was turned inside out
I feel the splashes and its not the water
My tears are the waves that blind me when im knocked down

My heart is racing
My breathing is getting heavier
My tears keep falling
My head is pounding
My eyes are tricking me
My mouth is dry
My ears are ringing
My body temperature is cool
& suddenly im getting hot flashes
I burn up & sweat
Then I cool down
And I go numb
Im suddenly in shock
Unable to believe
Im very still
Unable to move
Im scared to turn and walk out the door
I dont want to be followed
And I dont want to be the victim
I cannot control myself for believing
I cannot control myself from being helpless
I cannot control myself from being naïve
I cannot control myself from seeing
I cannot control myself from hearing
I cannot control myself from being scared
Scared of life
Scared of the darkness
..Scared of my mind
Scared of myself

Innocent baby girl
So sweet; so tender
Heart of gold
Body so delicate
Soul so free
Innocent little girl
Talks so softly
Very shy
Very quiet
Very gentle
Behaves and respects mommy and daddy
Troubled teenaged girl
Confused about life
About everything and everyone around her
Getting out of control
Her temper is taking steps
Learning she was able to yell at mom and dad
Eyes learning how to tear
Her soul starts to peel
Her body starts to pull
Her heart turns grey
She realizes she's trapped;
But doesn't know where
Her conscience introduced her to a razor
Troubled woman
Confused with herself
About life and everything else
Everyone included
Totally out of control
Her temper is making her heart race
Yells & screams at the top of her lungs
Mom and dad just don't know what to do
The tears are making her drown
Its like the devil overpowered her innocence
Her soul is ripped
Her body is stripped
Her heart is black;
With the blood pouring out of her skin
Partying
Drinking
Cutting
Unlimited amounts of ***
Now she knows she's trapped inside her body & soul
Denying the fact she was sick
So sick
So crazy
So unmedicated
Pushing family and friends away
Didn't care
Didn't respect
Didn't regret
Her life,
So ruined

My memories of peacefulness has been erased from my mind
I have no way of getting back to the reality of life full of failure
I was drowned inside my body and then i wasnt living
I died inside my nightmares, then my dreams became a reality
I let go of myself and i slipped away
I fell through the cracks
And then i shattered into pieces that i thought would never break
I tied every knot tighter from my mistakes that were on a string
And then when i finally found the scissors,
Instead i cut myself from reality and the string had strangled me
On the ground i lay
I had fallen with no more pieces left to break
My body stopped working
Like a broken toy that got thrown out;
I didnt even care to get fixed
I gave it all up
The strength had left and the weakness forced itself in me
I didnt know how to use my lungs anymore
I forgot how to breathe
I didnt know how to use my mouth anymore
I forgot how to speak
I didnt know how to use my ears anymore
I forgot how to hear
I didnt know how to use my eyes anymore
I forgot how to see
I didnt know how to use my muscles anymore
I forgot how to move
I didnt know how to use my bones anymore
I forgot how to think
I didnt want to use myself anymore..

Unable to breathe.
Unable to speak.
Unable to hear.
Unable to see.
My hands are choking my own throat;
& my feet are tripping my own body to the ground.
This invisible cage Im locked in,
Has made me a different person.
I appear crazy.
I appear angry.
I appear depressed.
I appear negative.
I appear bitter.
I appear fearful.
I appear in distress.
Whos going to save me now?
Whos going to listen to my screams?
Cause this voice in my head,
Is forcing me to swallow everything;
When my heart wants me to spit everything out.
No place to go.
Nowhere to run to.
Noone to talk to.
I have abandoned myself.
I have abused myself.
I have killed my spirits.
My soul stays trapped in the mirror forever.
Everywhere I turn,
& everything I touch;
Traps me inside my own mind.
It doesnt allow me to think.
It only allows me to fail.
Because this stranger doesnt recognize me anymore.
She ripped me apart.
She fought me to the ground.
She tortured me until I dripped with blood.
She made sure noone was around.
I,
The stranger.
I,
The abuser.
I,
Who trapped myself inside my own head.
I cannot escape my fears anymore.
Because I forced myself to struggle.

It hasnt changed
Im still haunted by fear
Im still terrified of the darkness
My anxiety has not yet stopped,
Because Im still hyperventilating.
Im still stopping to hear if any sounds are present.
My heart is still racing.
My hot flashes are still burning me.
Im still drowning in my sweat.
Im still spinning from the dizziness.
I cannot stand the silence.
The music just breaks it.
I cannot stand my hallucinations anymore.
I try to distract myself.
I cannot stand my depression anymore.
Self-mutilation allows me to relax.
Too many memories are involved in the night.
Too much of the past that turns to the present while I close my eyes.
& the future will always be my fear.
If I fall asleep,
Will I wake up choking again?
Will I wake up crying again?
Will I wake up screaming again?
Will I wake up hyperventilating again?
Its unknown what my mind holds.
Its unknown what my mind is going to hide from me.
I cant take this **** anymore.
Because I have completely forgotten what sleep is.
..Is it a nightmare?
Is it waking up 5 times a night?
Is it staying up the whole night?
No.
This is once again,
Insomnia.
Its continuously staying with me.
I have figured it out,
That it will never leave me.
This deadly disease will stay with me forever.

Im looking for a way to break away from this weakness
I was separated from my strength and now i feel myself falling over
I feel my nerves shaking as the anxiety approaches
The air inside my lungs is escaping fast as i try to take a breath
Its too fast for me to catch and my heart is pounding harder
Thoughts racing;
My happiness is escaping
My tears are burning my insides until they pour out all the pain
I feel like im releasing all the water thats left inside my body;
Im so dehydrated
Im so dry that im choking on my own air
I can just feel the air escape as i try to breathe
Im losing it all as i try to grasp the memories that turn around and make negativity on me
I wanna black out and forget
But im seeing every darkness instead
Im thinking too hard
Or im being murdered inside my thoughts
I have the weapon;
And i have been using it inside my nightmares
Im fighting but nothing is being done
Im crying and im the only one
Racing heart;
I can feel it pounding
Shaking;
Im unstable
Hyperventilating;
Im dizzy
Hot flashes;
Im burning
Eyes are blurry;
The tears are falling
Weakness;
Im on the floor

Im scared
But the lights never come on
I hyperventilate
But my breathing makes me choke
I fall
But the floor never catches me
I run
But the path loses me
Im hurting
But i continue to feel the pain
Im guilty
But im still the one to blame
Im anxious
But my heart beats faster
I cant see
But i go blind
I cant speak
But i go silent while being mute
I cant hear
But i go deaf
I cant feel
But i turn numb
Im angry
But my mind gets stronger
Im violent
But i get stronger
I stay awake
But i continue to have insomnia
I cry
But my tears never dry
Im out of control
But i continue to fight myself
I bleed
But my wounds never heal

Im unable to swallow,
Im unable to breathe.
I feel like there is a thousand knives stuck in my throat;
Just going deeper & deeper,
Cutting off my circulation.
I have no strength to open up my airway.
I have no strength to stop the blood from escaping my body.
It burns;
Im trying to breathe,
But I appear to choke.
Im in so much pain;
Each knife feels like a set of hands;
Strangling me tighter & tighter,
Each time everything gets worse.
Everything is trying to enter me all at once.
Its too much for me to swallow;
& everything gets lodged inside.
I have forgotten how to breathe,
& I have forgotten how to swallow.
My heart is getting weaker.
Its slowing down.
My blood has turned cold,
& stopped the flow through my body.
My skin has suddenly gone numb.
My fingers & toes wont stop tingling.
Everything is happening all at once.
Cant swallow,
Cant spit it back out.
I just need to finally give up.
Just allow everything to take away my freedom to breathe.
Its all becoming more of a struggle.
Struggling for air;
Gasping,
Helpless,
In need to breathe.
In need to reach out,
But unable to swallow.

I wish I had gained feeling,
So I could have had all your pain.
I wish that I fell,
So you could have kept standing.
I wish I had distraction,
So you could have been focused.
I wish that I had headaches,
So you could have lost all yours.
I wish that I had gained weakness,
So you could have gained strength.
I wish that I had lost my voice,
So you could have spoken.
I wish that I had gone deaf,
So you could have heard.
I wish that I had lost my sight,
So you could have seen.
I wish that I had stopped breathing,
So you could have breathed.
I wish that I had listened to you,
So you could have made me understand.
I wish I hadn't yelled at you,
So you could have been stress-free.
I wish I didnt ignore you,
So you could have spoken to me.
I wish I had respected you better,
So you could have set me straight.
I wish I hadn't lied to you,
So you would have never had to worry.
I wish I did what you asked,
So you wouldnt have done it on your own.
I wish I had made you happy,
So you wouldnt have been down.
I wish I spoke to you nicer,
So you wouldnt have had to take my negative feedbacks.
I wish I hadnt pushed you away,
So you could have known all my problems.
I wish I told you everything,
So you could have pushed me down the right path.
I wish you had seen your daughters grow up,
So you wouldnt have had to miss anything.
Because now your gone,
Now your not here,
And I cannot stop crying.
I miss you,
I love you,
And I needed you;
But your no longer here.
I am now no longer strong anymore,
Because you were my strength.
And you were the other half of my heart.
But I know now, that your not suffering anymore;
& that your now with God.
Your in a better place now,
And your watching out for all of us.
I love you,
And I've always loved you.
You were the other half of me.
But I know even though I cannot see you,
Your always going to be with me.
And I cannot wait to see you again.
dedicated to my angel in heaven

How do i hide if im being chased?
How do i hide if im being found?
How do i escape if i end up in chains?
Im so afraid
Im being threatened
And i believe it all because all this negativity wont give up
Im being pointed at
Im being laughed at
Im being bullied
Im being tortured
Im being abused
Im being used
And then i appear stupid
Because i do as im told
Who is this person trying to boss me around?
Who is this person throwing me to the ground?
Im being drained
My strength was stolen and now im so broken
In pieces i shatter;
On the floor torn apart,
The only thing in one piece is my weak heart
Now the heart bleeds
Im crying with blood
Im drowning in a puddle
Im drowning my fears
These new moods
These new emotions
Were made for me to change
These new breathing patterns
These new cuts
Were made to show that im crazy
My head is being squeezed from my own hands
Because i know whos behind it all
I am a victim of my own mind

I sit inside four walls
Im in the middle where i cannot breathe
I want to reach out but everything is so far away
Get me out;
I wanna get out
I feel that i cannot breathe because im losing air
Everything is closing in on me as i try to speak
Then when im silent, my heart pounds so loud i go deaf
Im unable to express what i feel
This feeling just cannot be explained
All the anxiety
All the hyperventilating
All my worries
All my fears
All the anger
All the tears
Where are holes that were supposed to me made?
The holes in which i have to force myself to breathe
I closed them
I hid them
Now i cannot breathe
Im choking as im struggling
Im dizzy as i catch my breath
I dont wanna do this anymore
Just let me out of this position
Im trying to do what i want but im being stopped
Im being held back to do so much
I just wanna break free
The outside is what im missing
Looking in, im so alone
In the darkness is what i fear
I fear the invisible truth
As i close my eyes, i listen; but i cannot hear
As i close my eyes, i touch; but i cannot feel
As i close my eyes, im talking; but i cannot speak
And as i open my eyes, i look; but i cannot see where to begin
Im just sealed inside my own mind

Im smirking
Im smiling
Im giggling
Im laughing
Im finally on the floor
Laughing in tears
People dont know why
People dont know how
People dont know what
Why I laugh
& what Im laughing at
I refuse to tell
I refuse to reveal
I refuse to whisper
Im too quiet
Im stay to myself
But I keep laughing
& people question,
But I refuse to answer
Yet in the end Im not revealing because
The smile is really a frown that people see upside down
The laugh is really cries
The tears are from depression
Not tears of joy
& Im on the floor because I cannot handle these problems anymore

I wanted to starve my pain but I didnt know how
Instead of taking it away, I fed it innocently thinking it would leave
The pain ate away at my happiness
I began to hyperventilate
I became angry
I became sad
It showed me my fears that I tried to drown for years
But the pain allowed them swim
I tried to run, but the pain made me slow down by allowing my blood to forced its way through my scars
The scars that i thought were healed, opened up;
Now my body is weak all over again

I want to unwind
I want to change it all
I want to make myself over
I want to un fall
Forget how i look
Forget how i sound
Forget how i move
Forget that im standing on ground
Remove my fears
Remove my attitude
Remove my negativity
And make myself new
Stop my anxiety
Stop my moods
Stop my hyperventilation
Stop everything that needs to undo
Erase what i am
Erase everything within me
Erase who i am
Erase myself completely
Paint myself new
I wanna recent copy
Paint my own picture
Of how i need myself to be

I tried to leave a place that turned dark
A place that i created and the place that blocked out my heart
I tried to change but in the end
I struggled
No room to breathe
No time to see
I got lost inside my own mind and then i made myself bleed
I created bruises that stayed blue
I opened cuts that never closed
I left all the wounds alone to bleed out my hurts
Stitches werent available because i used the string to hold on
I held on tight but it snapped and i fell to the ground
When i fell i broke my bones
New wounds appeared as scars that wouldnt go away
All together i mark up my life
The blood that runs down my body tries to drown me
I try to wash away my pain with my tears
But they only drown me
Im still in bad shape
And i cannot heal the pain
My body is burning from these open wounds
There goes another story without an ending
There goes the blood that continues dripping
I question my mind about what it wants
It replies "you" and i know my heart has no say
I want it all to end
I just want these thoughts out of my head
I wanna run but my legs are weak
I wanna fight but my hands arent moving
I wanna close my eyes and open them to something new
I wanna plug my ears and then unplug them to change the truth
I wanna believe that my heart will repair
I wanna believe that my hurts arent there
But the truth is that my heart is too weak
The truth is that the mind will continue to speak

From the world,
To the mind
Inside the brain,
My body is restrained
Undoing the strength
That was turned into weakness
Disconnected picture;
Broken soul into pieces
Heart of glass;
Now has shattered
Mind of stone;
Now had broken
Body of a tomb;
Now had been open
Soul of an angel;
My wings had disappeared
Goodbye to the future
Hello to the past
Confused for the present
Nothing is going to last
Rewinding over and over again
Because im all broken
Forwarding precious times
My memory escaped me
Undo my kindness
Im injected with bitterness
Undo my thoughts
Im injected with black images
Break away,
Flew away,
Stayed away forever
Wings are gone,
Im no longer one.
My body is cut up in pieces
Still broken
Still blown away
My soul is shattered to pieces
Always broken
Wont return
My mind is chipped to pieces
Into the mind,
No more world
No longer together as one
Away forever,
Forever gone.
I am so undone
Disconnected body
Disconnected soul
Disturbed mind
Im forgetting who i am
Disconnected body
Disconnected soul
Disturbed mind
Im being pulled away from it all

I may not be the person I used to be.
& to you I forced on anger & pushed you to your knees.
My world has been torn apart, yes, you are right,
I just see no right path, no healing, and no more time.
I wanted to control myself, and set myself free,
But the other side was watching me.
I just wanted to talk to you,
I just wanted to end it nicely,
But the rage,
The anger,
It was so repetitive & untrusting
Last year they have shown me what I wanted to see,
& now Im still in the same position as they all see me.
Im sorry I yelled,
Im sorry I cursed,
Im sorry I continued to ramble my words.
Hell wasnt the place for you.
Im glad I finally pulled you back through.
I saw your light that you tried to shine,
& now I realized that you were right.
The incisions I made, Im just confused,
I just dont want anything to worry you.
I knew you wanted me to understand,
I really wanted your helping hand.
To help me pull through,
And to pull you in,
I just didnt want any of this to begin.
Yes, you see my poetry is real,
It shows the way I am, and the way I feel.
Please know that I will come to you when I need your help,
Im sorry you felt the way you felt.
So I dont understand why they lied,
But I still continue to cry.
Please dont worry, I will be ok,
I will be normal again one day.
I love you as well with all my heart,
I wish I didnt start that fight that grew us apart.
But it was for a little while,
It didnt last,
Im glad we understood eachother after,
Im glad its in the past.
Again Im sorry for yelling at you.
Again Im sorry for cursing at you.
Again Im sorry for fighting with you.
Again Im sorry for not listening to you.
December of '89;
You insist I was a shining star;
You begged the Lord to not tell you I was gone,
& he listened to your words;
Because I never ended up going far.
Never would I go far away from you,
Because I love you;
I truly do.
Dont ever think a stupid fight will finally tear us apart,
Because without you pierces a hole in my heart.
I know it took me awhile to write this poem,
I was lost and confused,
Then I realized what you wrote.
Let us move on from our past;
Our fights that we had.
Let us be close,
Together again.
Your Niece.

I remembered the past,
because im living in fear
I remembered the pain,
because i dealt with it for years
I remembered the blade,
because i opened the cuts
I remembered being dizzy,
because i drowned in my blood
I remembered being weak,
because i stole my own strength
I remembered my heart,
because it shattered while i broke
I remembered my tears,
because my mind had me controlled

I talk,
But im forced to choke on my words
I scream,
But im forced to hold it between my teeth
I whisper,
But im forced to just close my mouth
What is left?
I try to breathe,
But i have no oxygen
Inside my throat is where i feel a pain so uncontrollable
My chest feels like there are pins and needles; just piercing me and i cant find the holes
Then my heart feels like theres a knife just stabbing me with no control
My words were innocent until i was triggered
My actions were gentle until i was tempted
My mind was stable until i got introduced
My body was pure until i got damaged
As i whispered, i had to chew ******* my words
It was sweet and innocent, so i bit my tongue and silenced
Then i spoke, i had to close my mouth
It was salty but easy to wash it right out
Then i tried to breathe, it was too sour for me proceed.
I was struggling with no air
Then i tried to think, it was bitter and i couldnt keep it all in
So then my heart came up into my throat
The pain that i felt when i had to *****
But at the same time i was forced to keep it down
Im so nauseous from trying to be strong
I held inside everything that was wrong
I bleed without a knife
My mind just wants to fight
My nightmares havent disappeared
My fears have left me in tears
Now i cant breathe
Im choking and its all too sharp
I dont wanna close my mouth with everything just piercing through me
My throat acts like a shield; protecting the body from damage
But im too weak to fight back so i have to bite down and take it
Its inside my stomach,
I wanna ***** the liquid out of me
Its inside my blood,
I wanna cut out the depression inside of me
Its in my bones,
I wanna break; then rebuild what already broke me
Its in my chest
I wanna rip out the heart thats frozen
Its in my throat
I wanna pull it all out but its too late
Its in my mouth
I was forced to take in what i couldnt handle
My mouth was supposed to stay closed so that it all couldnt go down

I wanna feel your lips.
I wanna feel your teeth;
My neck is naked without your face on me.
Breathe on me.
I wanna feel you close.
I wanna feel your energy.
I wanna feel your body.
Lie me down with force.
Im bidding for us to play a game.
Let us play with eachother physically;
Because mentally Im already playing with you with my eyes.
Let us tear each other’s clothes, & undo our souls.
Let us escape into the darkness, & dance under the sheets.
I crave you.
My body is hungry for you.
Im dehydrated,
And you need to quench my thirst.
Im unrestrained;
When you try to have a hold on me.
Your beatings break me.
They break everything but my heart;
And it is strong from our energy.
I tackle you,
As you tackle me.
Then as you tighten your hands around my wrists,
You slowly enter me
As the speed gets intense,
I dont want you to slow down; nor stop.
Our breathing gets harder.
Our hearts pump faster at the same speed as one another.
You make me scream louder.
Its impossible to stop our actions.
You leave my neck bruised from your mouth.
I leave your back bleeding with the scratches from my nails.
We make the bed smash the wall,
As we continue to dance between the sheets.
You seductively ***** me;
& then we were sexually torn.

Its back
I feel it
It found me
Is it really going going to destroy me again
Break me again
I thought my fears left forever
I guess it was a lie
Now i sit, and lay down to cry
Why is this happening again
I dont understand
My enemy is back
And this time it wants revenge
I made sure it was gone
I made sure it was done
And i was so sure the stranger had disappeared forever
I was wrong
It only lightened
Now the darkness is back again
And now im blind once again
I thought it was over
And it only left me alone for a little while to allow myself to finally breathe;
To finally find myself
Now my breath is stolen once again
I need to try to breathe on my own once again
And i know im going to struggle once again
Why is this pain back?
Im being abused again
Now i need something stronger to help me fight once again
The changes are so intense,
& im so confused
My mind is exhausted
My body, again being used
Because im chained once again
And forced to swallow the key
Its all beginning again
I have to fight again
Fight the enemy; its me
Where do i stand,
Because im falling again
The pain,
Its back
Now im wondering,
Is my mind going against what was helping me?

Unknown feelings;
Only to explain through silence
And behind closed doors is how i can express everything all at once but noone is allowed to hear
I learned to live with guilt
I learned to live with pain
I learned to live with suffering
I learned to live with my own mental game
I learned to live with sorrow
I learned to live with fear
I learned to live with nightmares
I learned to accept what i see in the mirror
To feel what has been brought to me
My fears are slowly killing me
I can no longer fight for my heart;
As i try to protect myself
There is no more shield over my body
My mind was strong enough to break it and make it disappear
The shield that was for my own protection has broken a connection that is forever lost
Protection from myself;
I was actually not safe
I walked on broken glass
Broken glass that was from my body
And so i walked all over myself;
Just stepping on the innocence that was taken from my soul
The stranger that is here replaced the other person
A stranger once created,
I can no longer take over
Taking over me
Taking over my body
Taking over my soul
Taking over my heart
When the mind takes over completely
Thats when i fail
This is where i pause
This is where i break
This is where i fall
This is where i regret all my mistakes
This is when i realized
This is when i closed my eyes
This is when i heard the lies
This is when i always cry
When all the positivity took over the negativity,
My emotions got crushed,
And then my heart failed to light up
Darkness suddenly took over all the colours leaving black in front of my eyes
I cannot look out a window,
I wont see no light
I cannot look up to a light,
Ill go blind,
Im blind because i made myself
Not to see
I refuse to allow myself to see the good,
If i was so used to the bad
I fake a smile
I fake the laughter
I fake my happiness
Its all a show
So i dont explain
Its all i have to show my pain
Im weak,
Im giving out on myself
I cannot stand to take it anymore
I just wanna drop
On the ground is where i wanna be
Silent forever;
Forever i dont wanna be seen

My happiness was a like a fever,
The drugs brought it down.
& the drugs represent the problems that revolved around me.
And there wasnt even a beginning.
So lost;
Unable to reveal where it started.
& Ive been bleeding from day one.
Everything just turned so dark.
I dont even know how to see anymore.
Because happiness is hidden,
& I fear it is lost forever.
Im so trapped inside myself,
That I lost the key to my spirits.
So I locked myself away forever.
The red rose turned black.
The blue sky turned grey.
The green grass turned brown.
And there is no more sun.
I just cant change emotions.
The frown is what Im used to.
And my tears is what I keep drowning in.
Im so torn.
Im so confused.
Im so lost.
Im so tired inside my head.
I wanna undo this pain forever,
But I dont know how.
I wanna heal these wounds,
But they wont close.
I wanna stop these tears,
But they keep falling.
There is nothing to stop this pain.
There is nothing to stop my tears.
There is nothing to stop my mind from bringing me down.
There is nothing to stop this emotion from continuing.
My mind,
Is driving me insane.
I wanna escape this misery.
There is no meaning in my life.
God just let me go.

A group in the middle of a word called fun
But then that word only lasted for so long..
Strangers in the darkness
Strangers that noone was able to describe
The twisted minds of the killers
That took away his life
The darkness that blinded the eyes
The silence that blinded the ears
The noises that blinded the voices
When the fun had suddenly disappeared
Up standing to not back down
But then on the ground thats where he was forced to stay
Up standing to defend again
Then again on the ground he lay
Suddenly with force, he accepted all the pain
The hours went by
Then a sudden shock zapped at their lives
Sad faces; just drowning in their tears
They had hoped that it was just a bad nightmare
The reality was real
And it also pierced everyone's hearts
So broken
So empty
No words to express what they feel
The only words they knew was that "this isnt real"
A million questions but starting with the same word
Why him?
Why did this happen?
Why would someone do this?
Why take someones life?
Why did this day come
Just why
Family so strong
Friends so strong
But the tears were stronger to blind the eyes of broken hearts
But then the truth, is that he suffers no more
The pain that was felt, had unlocked a door
The kind soul from his heart
The strong mind of his brain
The gentle touch of his hands
The memories that remain..
And then the door he had unlocked was the stairs in the clouds
A new angel, had made the others scream;
Happy & loud

Only my thoughts,
Cause so much drama between myself and I.
Only my eyes see what I will do.
& my actions are controlled from my brain.
My heart is just beating so fast;
Screaming for it not to begin.
While my head doesnt want it to end.
I just cant explain the pressure.
I just cant explain the pain.
My mind has me locked up.
My mind has me like a prisoner,
Who cannot escape.
Cannot escape my fears.
Cannot escape the pain.
And cannot escape the depression.
I cannot be calm.
Everything is just getting to me.
I cannot just ignore.
Everything is asking for attention,
& I cannot stop.
My energy is taking over.
Its when Im triggered,
I just go outta control.
Then at that moment,
My body temperature rises.
Im boiling with anger.
Then at that very moment,
My heart is in danger for a heart attack;
Speeding up will finally make me lose control.
Then at that very moment,
Im hyperventilating;
Just trying to catch my breath.
& then at that very moment,
Im so focused when I think.
I know my plan.
Im know what I need to do next.
Cant think.
Cant breathe.
Will not stop.
Im so convinced,
That its the only way out.
Yet at that very moment,
Im so dizzy.
Im so relaxed.
& Im just laying here;
Not caring.
Not listening.
Turned my back on my heart,
& turned to my head for guidance.
& Im so focused.
Finally I lay here,
Arm dripping,
Bleeding the pain away.
This is how I escape;
This is the only way out.

Mentally Im in pain.
Mentally I suffer.
Mentally Im numb.
Physically Im abusing myself.
Mentally Im killing myself.
Emotionally I turn my back on myself.
I have tried to escape my fears.
I have tried to escape the person within me,
To find myself again.
Nothing;
Ive disappeared.
Its like in invisible,
But my body is still here.
Over & over,
Ive been tortured.
Over & over,
My mind has been playing games with me.
Over & over,
Ive lost trust within myself.
Now Im so ruined.
Now Im so destroyed.
So destroyed,
My mind lost control completely.
So destroyed,
My body lost all its strength.
So destroyed,
Ive lost myself completely.
Everyday I get weaker.
Because everyday the pain gets stronger.
& finally everything has drained me.
I lost myself,
& I dont know where to go,
To look for my spirits.
Im completely gone.
Im completely invisible.
Im completely ruined.
Im completely destroyed.

Emptiness pulled through my wounds
I bled everything i had out of my body
Inside, my bones are moving;
They wanna pull me down
I should just knock myself down
My heart is so weak
Because my mind took all the strength
Now im shaky;
As i walk, i feel like im gonna fall
And im already bleeding as i walk on broken glass
Glass that had been together; the glass that was me
Then i suddenly shattered when i couldnt take it anymore
The tears i release, i can only drown
Its enough to make me stop breathing
I cannot breathe when im gasping for air
I cannot find an opening
I tried so many times to escape;
I tried to escape my mind
But i will always be a prisoner; a danger to myself
This is forever
The bed holds my back is i choke up all my fears
I cant roll over,
I cant get up,
I cant undo my weakness to feel free
I feel like there are straps going across my chest; i cannot breathe
Im being held down
The person whos doing it is me
Theres pressure on top of my lungs; i continue not to breathe
Its heavy;
My body is so weak
My mind is so strong to put all its strength on top of me
My heart is being squished,
Now all my blood is escaping from its home
My face is being pushed down, i cannot see
I suddenly became blind and met the darkness;
Then left everything behind
An invisible strap,
Im underneath
I cant break free,
I cannot remember how to move
I cannot remember how to breathe
Im frozen, i cant get up
My temperature dropped
And my bones got covered in ice
A brain freeze i had,
But the then my mind burned and meted it away
Burning with anger, everything turned black
As i lay here,
Im still blind
Im hyperventilating and nothing can help me now
I lay here confused
I lay here in silence
I lay here angry
I lay here in tears
I squeeze my wrists
I twist & turn
I kick & scream
I punch & yell
I choke because of not breathing
Not breathing,
Hyperventilating
I cannot control what im feeling
But what would you do if something is holding you down?
And the only thing that can move,
Is the air & blood within my body

It feels so tight
I feel my chest squeezing itself as i try to release the air
I feel a fast beat
I feel a harsh feeling
I feel a sharp pain
I feel a loud drum in my ears
Im breathing but its hard
I wanna get up but my strength is too far
I need to stand but i know im gonna fall
Now im reaching the scissors to cut the weakness thats wrapped around my soul
Im wanting to push away the darkness and make all my fears go
My anxiety and depression wont seem to leave
Now my head has exploded
Now my heart & skin are bleeding
My throat is so dry
Its dry from struggling to breathe
All the air dried me out
My lungs had suddenly weakened me
Im dizzy; i cannot stand
I try to grab onto something
But everything moves away from my hands
Im on floor and i give up
I never learned to control myself
And ive had enough
I had lost
And anxiety won
My strength was taken
And now im done

An anxious feeling, that i dont wanna feel
I just wish this all wasnt real
The happiness suddenly fails, and and now my emotions weigh me down
My heart pounds as i try to breathe
My mind is confused as i try to see
I cant talk
I cant mov
I cant hear
All the images that keep rewinding,
Waits to play when im in peace
Im bothered again
And then im disturbed
I cant focus because its all so real
Im underneath the covers as i start to choke & tear
Im hyperventilating
Im so dizzy with all my fears
When the darkness hits, the light just dies
Suddenly i feel my body all wet
Im un-dry as my eyes drip
The salt burns me
The water drowns me
Im drowning in my own pool of tears
Memories never fade
Memories are to cry
Scars are always visible
Scars can never hide
Cuts keep reappearing
Cuts were never healed
Im forever bleeding
The wounds never got sealed

I feel the heaviness of anxiety being pushed on me
And then im pinned down with no way of getting up
I try to grab air because my lungs are too weak
When i try to breathe, gravity pushes down on me
My heart is being squeezed and tortured
And then it pours out all the blood that once filled me
I try to drain out my mouth from the watering saliva;
That gets me choking as i try to swallow
My heart pounds;
It races fast
And then i feel the attacks come at me
And then i fight but i lose at my own battle
Im inside something and im getting no air
Im inside something that doesnt allow me to have any room to breathe
I struggle to breathe
I try to breathe
I hyperventilate knowing it wont end

Little girl in her own world
And the world is different from everyone else's
New discoveries
New paths
And then,
A new personality
So then, a hidden secret
I never understood what changed
I thought i was so normal
Something there just wasnt right
Something the family noticed just wasnt fine
I was able to see, but nothing was clear
I was able to hear, but it was all static
I was able to breathe, but i kept hyperventilating
My mind was so naive until i became friends with the devil
And when i tried to escape, it blinded me from the light
All the darkness was thrown in front of me;
I was too small to look for the light
But then i was too short to switch it back on
And then the walls caved in on me
The size that i was;
My bones have been broken from being crushed with fear
I didnt have the time to grow out of this sickness
And then all the questioned were asked..
Why are you like this?
Watch your attitude
Why arent you eating?
Your going to become anorexic
Why are you slamming the door?
Your going to break it
Why are you throwing things around?
She can hurt someone
Why are you yelling?
Your scaring everyone
Why are you hurting people?
Keep your hands to yourself
Why are you talking to yourself?
Your so weird
Why are you failing in school?
Your going to fail the grade
Why did you become distant?
You dont talk to anyone anymore
Why are you a *****?
Your going to lose your friends
Why are you getting into fights?
One day you will fight with the wrong person
Why dont you sleep?
Take a sleeping pill
Why are you hyperventilating?
Why are you anxious?
Why are you angry?
Why are you violent
Why are you promiscuous?
Why are you always drunk?
Why are you suicidal?
And these questions couldnt be answered until i allowed myself to take control
I never knew what the word crazy meant until i actually read the word and matched it to my mind
C-crying my eyes out
R-restless and never tired
A-anxiety attacks forced me to hyperventilate; anger turned into danger within myself
Z-zoning out and not responsive
Y-yelling and screaming with rage
Im still growing up
Im still trying to control it all

I became numb because i felt every pain
I became deaf because i heard every lie
I became blind because i saw all the darkness
I became mute because i screamed at all my fears
I couldnt breathe because i started to choke
I felt every pain because i wanted to bleed
I heard every lie because i searched for the truth
I saw the darkness because i tried to find the light
I screamed at my fears because i begged them to disappear
I choked because my hands were around my throat
I wanted to bleed so i could feel what relief was
I wanted the truth because i couldnt trust myself
I wanted the light so i woulnt be so scared
I wanted my fears to disappear because i was my own enemy
I wanted my hands to squeeze everything out of me
I bled but im still not at peace
I found the truth but i still cant trust myself
I found the light but im still scared
I got rid of my fears but im still my own enemy
My hands put an end to harm but everything is still growing inside me

Do you know how it feels to say goodbye
Do know what it feels like to actually cry
Do you know how it feels when you cannot breathe
Do you know how hard it is to sleep
Do you know how to deal with a pain that wont go away
Do you know how to deal with someone who couldnt stay
Do you know how to deal with strength you need to quickly build
Do you know how to deal with the weakness that broke your shield
Do you know how to fight when the sickness shows you the truth
Do you know how to fight when anger wants to shoot
Do you know to fight when there is sadness in your eyes
Do you know how to fight when depression & sorrow make you cry
Do you know how hard it is to think and cry at once
Do you know how hard it is to breathe and hyperventilate for months
Do you know how hard it is to see nothing but memories and love
Do you know how hard it is to continue to feel that touch
Do u know what it feels like to kiss a cold beautiful face;
Whos asleep forever;
And you know she will no longer wake...

The strength has been forced to escape through my fears
And now it replaced itself with weakness
I bent myself the wrong way and now im broken
I twisted too far and now im fractured
I jumped too high and now i cant walk
I threw myself and now im shattered
I picked up my pieces but nothing matches
When i try to find my strength, its already hiding from me
When i try to lose my weakness, its already fighting me
I realized i did it all
I made it all disappear
I broke the rules
I escaped from safety
I ignored who spoke to me
I tried to ignore my broken dreams
I drank all the poison
I created my own scars
I made my own cuts
And i went too far
I tried to get up while my legs were numb
I tried to speak while my mouth was closed
I tried to see while my eyes were shut
I tried to hear while my ears were plugged
I tried to breathe while my lungs were collapsed
I tried to think while my mind blocked me from it all

Everything i chewed,
And everything i swallowed,
Didn't stay inside my system because it made me so nauseous
I choked on the flashbacks that strangled my throat
I choked on the memories that i just couldnt throw
But then i threw up everything except my memories and hurts
I wanted to fight it
But i had to hold on
I had to just rescue myself from being under
I just wanted to breathe it all in;
Take what i wasnt allowed to have
I stole my freedom, then locked myself away
I stole my strength that wasnt allowed to stay
I tried to get rid of my weakness but i swallowed fear
I tried to get rid of my nightmares but they would always appear
My mind breathes while my body shuts down
My mind breathes while i fall to the ground
I wanted to replace everything that harmed me
But then that means i would replace my soul, spirit and body

I finally go deep inside my mind
I close my eyes and suddenly i cry
I see everything now;
That i never saw before
I see everything i chased right out the door
I remember the times i threw myself to the ground
I lay there broken;
Never wanted to be found
I shut my door
I ignored who cared
I only focused on all my fears and nightmares
Those nights that i cried
Those nights i wanted to hide
Those nights that i had a knife
Those nights that i wanted to die
The nights i drank to forget
Were the nights i wanted to be numb
The nights i picked up a knife
Were the nights i wasnt afraid of blood
The times that anxiety choked me
I was struggling and i was weak
My fears kept getting closer to me
Then i just never wanted to see
The anger never stops
The depression never leaves
The weakness never strengthens
The ongoing of memories

I became settled
But i feel uneasy again
I chased away my fears
But now im scared again
I became strong
But now my weakness found me
I fought my nightmares
But now my dreams are slowly escaping
I learned to breathe
But my anxiety is attacking again
I learned to see but now my eyes are slowly closing again
I learned to speak
But my mouth is being forced to close again
I learned to hear
But the sounds are slowly getting silent again
I found happiness
But depression is trying to bring me down again
My anger was controlled
But im slowly on edge again
I was stable
But my moods are changing again
I was convinced
But now im not sure
Im still not sure if i found myself quite yet
My body, mind, and soul is getting too comfortable
They have been nourished
And now its too much
Im getting used to this feeling,
That my brain wants to stop
Why are my moods not stabilizing themselves again
Why is my anxiety acting up again
Why is my breathing starting to become difficult again
I guess i didnt lock the door properly
I need to try harder
I need to work faster
I thought it was the end;
The end to that evil soul
Its slowly coming back
Im pushing myself to ignore
Its so hard to do
Im pushing myself to just snap out of it
Because my mind is playing a game again
Is this intake too weak
Am i wanting it to be strong
I cannot handle who i was
I need the person who i am now
I cannot lose control again

You motivated me to pray to you.
You motivated me to love you.
You motivated me to talk to you.
You motivated me to go to your house.
You motivated me to listen to you.
You motivated me to be good.
You motivated me to ask you for forgiveness.
You motivated me to see life.
& from time to time, I noticed you were slacking off.
& from time to time, I noticed you were getting me confused.
& from time to time, I noticed you were playing with my head.
& I prayed to you since I was just a little girl.
& I thought I could trust you.
& I thought I could depend on you.
& then It all went down the drain when her heart started to weaken.
Never in my life would I have thought this would happen.
I know you witnessed me pray the minute she was sick.
I know you witnessed my tears run down my face.
I know you witnessed me curse.
I know you witnessed me going crazy.
I know you witnessed me stress out.
& now you witness me a mess.
God you have made me see the worst Ive ever seen in my life.
God you have created a big disaster in my life.
& because of that disaster,
You took half my heart.
& half my heart is the piece I cant live without.
& the piece I cannot live without,
Is the body you put to rest.
& the body you put to rest,
Had no reason to leave me.
& I dont wanna put my hands together no more;
Because you made me pull them apart.
You made me witness her suffering.
My eyes witnessed her spirit being taken away.
& now I witness an empty room,
An empty chair,
An empty couch,
An empty seat,
An empty bed,
An empty floor,
& my empty eyes;
Because I cannot see what used to be here.

I feel my heart pounding as im forced to hold in what i should release
I just wanna hide when i feel the tears behind my eyes
I cannot breathe when i hold back my fears
My heart opens & wants to spill it all out
But my mind works differently
Im hiding behind darkness and i can't show myself in the light
Each time i want to express,
Is when i wanna cry
I look in the mirror and notice a shine in my eyes
A shine that never left
A shine when i was supposed to cry
I hold back so much, when i should be able to speak
But my mind has my tongue in knots
My mind put a block to my speech
Everything is too late
I know because i tried
Trying to reveal the tension
Trying to change the lies
Everything is too late for me to hold back
The anxiety
The depression
The moods that cant make me relax
Out and about, yes im ok
I wanna cry so bad but i have the anxiety for people to judge
So when im behind a closed door
Im unable to see
Im unable to see because its blurry
Thats when im blind
And thats when i finally cry
Glossy and hidden;
These arent contact lenses..
Its a start
A start to a fear
And then a tear appears when im in front of my mirror
And then i finish drowning behind a door

Let us **** the wall;
Come into the room;
& lock the door behind you.
Let us **** the silence;
Tell me what you want.
Let us **** the distance'
I want you to come closer.
I just wanna feel you,
& I want you to feel me.
Let us **** our clothes;
Remove eachother's shields from our bodies.
Let us **** out weaknesses;
Allow our strength & energy to take control.
Let us **** the cold;
We need to start heating up the room.
Now let us **** the lights;
In the darkness is where we **** eachother seductively.

I never understood why i couldnt get up
I never understood why i had no strength
I was knocked down by an invisible force, waiting for me to break
And i did break
I broke into pieces
There was no sand to protect me
Just rocks & glass that pierced through me
The sun burned me and left me with darkness until I drowned
Drowned from a rain so cold;
As i constantly hit ground
Again and again i tore open my scars
I bleed with no ending
My stitches turned to dust
I was shaken so much that my head lost reality
I became abnormal and then i went into a dark world
My mind left me insane;
I felt the cold liquid again
My body all drenched with the force once again
I felt that water through me again
And then i find myself fighting..
Its so unknown when i try to think
My mind gets blanked out
Its so unknown when i try to speak
My throat chokes me
Its so unknown when i try to listen
My ears get plugged
Its so unknown when i try to see
My eyes are shut tight
Its so unknown when i try to breathe
Im drowning now