Unknown feelings;
Only to explain through silence
And behind closed doors is how i can express everything all at once but noone is allowed to hear
I learned to live with guilt
I learned to live with pain
I learned to live with suffering
I learned to live with my own mental game
I learned to live with sorrow
I learned to live with fear
I learned to live with nightmares
I learned to accept what i see in the mirror
To feel what has been brought to me
My fears are slowly killing me
I can no longer fight for my heart;
As i try to protect myself
There is no more shield over my body
My mind was strong enough to break it and make it disappear
The shield that was for my own protection has broken a connection that is forever lost
Protection from myself;
I was actually not safe
I walked on broken glass
Broken glass that was from my body
And so i walked all over myself;
Just stepping on the innocence that was taken from my soul
The stranger that is here replaced the other person
A stranger once created,
I can no longer take over
Taking over me
Taking over my body
Taking over my soul
Taking over my heart
When the mind takes over completely
Thats when i fail
This is where i pause
This is where i break
This is where i fall
This is where i regret all my mistakes
This is when i realized
This is when i closed my eyes
This is when i heard the lies
This is when i always cry
When all the positivity took over the negativity,
My emotions got crushed,
And then my heart failed to light up
Darkness suddenly took over all the colours leaving black in front of my eyes
I cannot look out a window,
I wont see no light
I cannot look up to a light,
Ill go blind,
Im blind because i made myself
Not to see
I refuse to allow myself to see the good,
If i was so used to the bad
I fake a smile
I fake the laughter
I fake my happiness
Its all a show
So i dont explain
Its all i have to show my pain
Im weak,
Im giving out on myself
I cannot stand to take it anymore
I just wanna drop
On the ground is where i wanna be
Silent forever;
Forever i dont wanna be seen

I see everything, but my eyes are closed
I hear every rumour, but my ears are plugged
I screamed really loud, but my lungs are collapsed
I breathed every breath, but my heart had stopped
I felt every touch, but i was so numb

My eyes had opened, and i saw only darkness
My ears were unplugged, and i only heard white noise
My lungs were healed, but i was unable to speak
My heart began pumping, but i couldnt breathe
My body had feeling, but i felt nothing

My eyes were made to see, but seduction distracted me
My lips were made to speak, but your kiss ignored me
my body was made to reach, but your hands kept wandering

Your eyes were made to ****** me, and not to see
Your lips were made to kiss me, and not to speak
Your ears were made to hear my screams, and not to hear anything else
Your hands were made to touch me, and not touch anything else

The wall was made to hold me up, when you throw me against it
The floor was made to catch my clothes, when you strip them off of me
The bed was made to hold me, when you roughly make love to me

The stars are only there to look pretty,
Not to be our friends
The dreams are only keeping the brain calm
Not to keep us positive
The pennies only make the water *****,
Not to bring us a future
The candles on a cake is an old trick,
Each year was forgotten
11:11 is just a coincidence,
Not for the time to make us believe
Eyelashes just bother us,
Not to be happy if one falls
Wishbones just break easily,
Not to keep us strong
The moon just makes it all dark,
Not for the night to **** our nightmares
But God is still in the sky,
Lets see what happens before we die..

I never cry for no reason
The tears never leak without a push
The greatest sadness depends on the mind, body, & soul
Before these tears, I try to fight
Then theres a push on my lungs that moves up to my throat
Anxiety has arrived;
It never goes
My throat locked itself from the air that passes through
I tried to breathe one last time, but my strength was too dry
So finally, I cried

Ive delt with enough ****,
Because I kept myself standing.
Ive heard all the negativity,
Because I kept my ears unblocked.
Ive witnessed what I didnt wanna see,
Because I held my eyes open.
Ive been verbally abused,
Because I didnt want to defend.
I gave my strength to other people,
Because I saw their pain.
Ive showed happiness,
Because my other emotions were still unborn inside me.
Ive held my tears back,
Because I thought I was brave.
I pretended to be smart,
Because I didnt want to show that I was so confused.
I was so quiet that my problems were  never shared with people,
Because I thought I could have helped myself.
I started to become hyper;
I started to become angry;
I started to become depressed;
I started to become anxious;
I started to become scared;
I started to become miserable,
I started to become forgetful,
I started to become nervous,
I started to change everything into a person I didnt recognize anymore.
And in the mirror I try to find that girl I used to be;
But I know she has disappeared.
..So now I lay like a piece of glass;
Broken & shattered on the floor.

I found out i was weak,
Then i found my mind's strength
Then i realized the reality,
So i found an escape from my pain
In this reality i cannot fake;
I cannot fake a mind thats going insane
I found all my nightmares and tried to wake up
I got knocked back down; my eyes glued shut
I walked in the darkness, searching for the light
Then again my eyes shut, i became blind
My eyes opened, thats where i saw my wounds
While i was blind, my mind took control
I bled through it all because i couldnt keep it in
I tore my skin
I bruised my bones
I licked my wounds
I cried on my scars
I was my own bandage but wouldnt stick
And as i keep falling apart, i bleed all over again
I was my own enemy i had to fight,
But then i found weakness once the strength to my heart had died

Mentally Im in pain.
Mentally I suffer.
Mentally Im numb.
Physically Im abusing myself.
Mentally Im killing myself.
Emotionally I turn my back on myself.
I have tried to escape my fears.
I have tried to escape the person within me,
To find myself again.
Nothing;
Ive disappeared.
Its like in invisible,
But my body is still here.
Over & over,
Ive been tortured.
Over & over,
My mind has been playing games with me.
Over & over,
Ive lost trust within myself.
Now Im so ruined.
Now Im so destroyed.
So destroyed,
My mind lost control completely.
So destroyed,
My body lost all its strength.
So destroyed,
Ive lost myself completely.
Everyday I get weaker.
Because everyday the pain gets stronger.
& finally everything has drained me.
I lost myself,
& I dont know where to go,
To look for my spirits.
Im completely gone.
Im completely invisible.
Im completely ruined.
Im completely destroyed.

When my bones turned brittle
When my veins turned to frost
When my skin turned pale
When my heart turned black
When my mind turned to ice
I froze over and slipped away
I slid into walls that i couldnt tear down
I slid into cages that i couldnt escape from
I slid into a doors that i couldnt unlock
I slid through paths that i got lost
I slid through fire that i got burned
I slid through glass that cut me and started to bleed
I slid through the air and then i fell with no protection
I slid through a wire that i lost all my strength when i couldnt hold on any longer
Inside my nightmare, im living in fear
Inside my mind, im drowning in tears
Inside my body, i cannot get out
Inside myself, i faded away

Noises coming from the closet,
Feels like theres spiders in my pocket.
Things breaking in my room,
I see the twitching of the broom.
Whispers between the walls,
Footsteps down the halls.
Turning on my lamp, theres shadows everywhere,
The only thing i can do is say a prayer.
The night is bitter, the wind is strong,
Hoping the night wont be too long.
The smashing windows, the shaking of the bed,
In the end i realized it was all in my head.

My room turned into glass; then it shaped itself into a bowl
I didnt know the next step until i got brainwashed and it all made sense to cry
To fill up the bowl, it was all planned
In the end i know im going to drown
My fears broke me
My anxiety striked me
My nightmares haunted me
My mind played me
Inside the glass, my screams only echoed back
Noone was able to hear me ask for help
I wanted to continue to scream but it was so pointless as i became so weak
There was no air to breathe;
Only the top was open for me to see
I didnt know how to climb out
I didnt know how to run away
I didnt know how to break away from all the mistakes that were made
Every single night;
I had cried,
I laid in bed with closed eyes
I had no more strength so i struggled
I wanted to escape all the trouble
And i felt like a statue;
Couldnt move
Couldnt speak
Couldnt hear
Couldnt breathe
I felt trapped inside my own room
I locked away dreams & wishes that i once knew
I wanted to change
I wanted to grow
But instead i was stuck
And i kept going low
I keep being attacked, but noones here
Im alone
I know noone will hear
Everything taken, so my heart would bleed
The water kept coming as my eyes couldnt see
I panic because the bowl is half full
I just cant stop even if i try to punch a hole
I had forgotten how to swim
So im sure i will drown
This water is even salty so it burns my cuts & scars that keep opening as i bleed on the ground
Im trying to dry the water but it keeps coming so i cant sleep in peace
My bed is soaked; how do i rest?
My face is drenched; how do i stop?
My eyes are burning; how do i forget?
Im drowning
I cannot see
Now my room is filled to the top so i cannot breathe
I have no choice but to lay here waiting for it all to shatter and stop my eyes from leaking

My feet are burnt but not from the ground
I walked on fire that i started down below
My body is hot but not from the sun
I covered my body with a blanket to hide my scars
My hair is moving but not from the wind
Its being pulled from the hands thats attached to my body
I hear voices and its not the seashells
Im talking harshly to myself inside my head
I cannot see but the dust is innocent
Im covering my eyes so i wont have to see the truth
I cannot breathe but its not the humidity
Im hyperventilating because of my fears
I hide, and its not behind the rocks
I disappear from the reflection in the water who tries to find me
Im bleeding but not from broken glass
I unleash my liquid with purpose and open the cuts of sorrow
Im thirsty but not for water
I want the hydration from the strength that im lacking deep inside
Im tired but not from nature
My heart is pounding from my body that was turned inside out
I feel the splashes and its not the water
My tears are the waves that blind me when im knocked down

It feels so tight
I feel my chest squeezing itself as i try to release the air
I feel a fast beat
I feel a harsh feeling
I feel a sharp pain
I feel a loud drum in my ears
Im breathing but its hard
I wanna get up but my strength is too far
I need to stand but i know im gonna fall
Now im reaching the scissors to cut the weakness thats wrapped around my soul
Im wanting to push away the darkness and make all my fears go
My anxiety and depression wont seem to leave
Now my head has exploded
Now my heart & skin are bleeding
My throat is so dry
Its dry from struggling to breathe
All the air dried me out
My lungs had suddenly weakened me
Im dizzy; i cannot stand
I try to grab onto something
But everything moves away from my hands
Im on floor and i give up
I never learned to control myself
And ive had enough
I had lost
And anxiety won
My strength was taken
And now im done

Im looking for a way to break away from this weakness
I was separated from my strength and now i feel myself falling over
I feel my nerves shaking as the anxiety approaches
The air inside my lungs is escaping fast as i try to take a breath
Its too fast for me to catch and my heart is pounding harder
Thoughts racing;
My happiness is escaping
My tears are burning my insides until they pour out all the pain
I feel like im releasing all the water thats left inside my body;
Im so dehydrated
Im so dry that im choking on my own air
I can just feel the air escape as i try to breathe
Im losing it all as i try to grasp the memories that turn around and make negativity on me
I wanna black out and forget
But im seeing every darkness instead
Im thinking too hard
Or im being murdered inside my thoughts
I have the weapon;
And i have been using it inside my nightmares
Im fighting but nothing is being done
Im crying and im the only one
Racing heart;
I can feel it pounding
Shaking;
Im unstable
Hyperventilating;
Im dizzy
Hot flashes;
Im burning
Eyes are blurry;
The tears are falling
Weakness;
Im on the floor

Pushed into struggling
Im not ready
Blood is boiling
Im feverish
Nerves are shaking
Im sweating
Struggling;
Im failing
My blood is escaping
My nerves are snapping
My body is getting shocked
Struggling
And failing
My blood is leading to a head rush
My nerves have been broken
My body is struck
I have failed
My blood is in puddles
My nerves have had enough
My body is heated
Im hyperventilating
Its too much
Too much to think
Too much to do
Too much to say
Im getting anxiety
My heart is pounding hard
Through my chest,
Its moving
My pulse is speeding
Im shaking
Im trembling
Unfocused,
I cannot be still
Unsettled,
Worried with fear
My face is red
My skin is blue
I feel like im being choked,
Because i cannot breathe anymore

Im floating inside my own body;
I died within my soul
My spirt lifted high, and now im stuck inside my own sorrow
Outside i couldnt take no more
I couldnt take no more life
I breathed in too much *******
Now the air i breathed had polluted my lungs; and now its stuck deep inside
My heart is black now
So then i realized that the red heart was a target;
And the blood within had been punctured, then ****** out.
So now im so empty
I have no more strength inside me
When i try to fight, i just break myself
And then i fall and i cant get back up
Now im inside a hole
Its so dark; its so black
I feel like im stuck because i have nowhere to run
Im at the bottom of it all
And i cannot get myself out; i buried myself too deep
Now i cannot breathe
The feelings that got hurt was cut into my skin and then like a big scar that cover my body
I want to escape but i cant
Im the one who put up these walls; these walls that closes me in
Im the one that closed my door; the one that i locked myself in
Im the one who used a knife; that made me bleed, and made me fight
Im the one who abused the mirror; and changed my moods when i look deep inside
Im the one that opened my own eyes;
That whenever i cry, everything that was deep, had been thrown up outside

I hear voices,
My own voices;
Negative and positive
One voice to fail,
Once voice to succeed
But my ears fall under a spell that cannot be broken
My mind is telling me to leave
Listening to a broken soul,
Im struggling, im fighting
Who is this voice thats trying to speak
Where is this voice thats trying to see
I disappeared
And i didnt come back
Inside a cage im locked
The key is inside my mind
My heart tries to break through
But it weakens
Im trapped
Unable to escape
Pounding into my chest;
My throat is trying run
I cannot breathe,
Because the pace of my heart is choking me to fear
Now my heart bleeds,
Bleeding into a body
This is how it speaks
What is it trying to say? Im confused
Its trying to talk to me
In my ears it whispers;
"I miss you please come back"
I hear but i dont understand
Im blind but i can only see the darkness deep inside my soul
I cannot move
I cannot think
Where am i supposed to go? I ask my heart
My mind wont let me escape
The repetitive signals from the heart,
Is killing me each time it tries to speak
I cannot follow
I cannot leave
Its not easy
And my heart wants me to sneak
Im hyperventilating now
I know im going to fall
Im dizzy,
Im nautious
What is it trying to tell me
Im having bad anxiety
My hot flashes are starting
My face is red
My body is trembling
My skin is sweating
These attacks are getting worse
My tears force themselves through my eyes
Its forcing me to cry
My head is killing me
My mind is punishing me
I dont want to do this no more
I dont want to suffer no more
If i come back to myself will things be better?
If i come home to myself will it all disappear?
The heart craves what it wants
But the mind takes what it can steal
The heart screams
The mind fights back
The heart cries
The mind laughs
The heart pulls
The mind pushes
The heart blocks
The mind breaks
The heart begs
The mind ignores
The heart wants to heal
The mind continues to bleed
The mind creates darkness
And so the heart turns black
The mind creates tension
And so the heart pumps faster
The mind creates fears
And so the heart races
The mind creates anxiety
And so the heart beats faster
The mind creates anger
And so the heart turns cold
The mind creates depression
And so the heart breaks
The mind creates a stranger
And so the heart wants to stop

Only my thoughts,
Cause so much drama between myself and I.
Only my eyes see what I will do.
& my actions are controlled from my brain.
My heart is just beating so fast;
Screaming for it not to begin.
While my head doesnt want it to end.
I just cant explain the pressure.
I just cant explain the pain.
My mind has me locked up.
My mind has me like a prisoner,
Who cannot escape.
Cannot escape my fears.
Cannot escape the pain.
And cannot escape the depression.
I cannot be calm.
Everything is just getting to me.
I cannot just ignore.
Everything is asking for attention,
& I cannot stop.
My energy is taking over.
Its when Im triggered,
I just go outta control.
Then at that moment,
My body temperature rises.
Im boiling with anger.
Then at that very moment,
My heart is in danger for a heart attack;
Speeding up will finally make me lose control.
Then at that very moment,
Im hyperventilating;
Just trying to catch my breath.
& then at that very moment,
Im so focused when I think.
I know my plan.
Im know what I need to do next.
Cant think.
Cant breathe.
Will not stop.
Im so convinced,
That its the only way out.
Yet at that very moment,
Im so dizzy.
Im so relaxed.
& Im just laying here;
Not caring.
Not listening.
Turned my back on my heart,
& turned to my head for guidance.
& Im so focused.
Finally I lay here,
Arm dripping,
Bleeding the pain away.
This is how I escape;
This is the only way out.

My eyes are blurry and i choose not to see
I always hoped when they open, everything would go back to normal
But its like a waterfall; pouring all over me
Im drenched and cold from the liquid that takes over me
The drops that fell on the floor were for me to slip and fall
The puddles that were made for me to ignore a reflection
I took the drops and i made the puddles
I took the puddles and i made an ocean
The ocean that i was forced to swim in, but then i drowned
And when i drowned, was when i couldnt take no more

When the darkness takes over the soul
Its a struggle to fight back
Then the bitterness approaches
And then i had to attack
My fears
My thoughts
My anger
My tears
The rage within me
The pain within me
I cannot stop now
Overpowering the spirit
The light inside me has closed
Controlling of the mind
Then the darkness opens a door
Crooked heart
Crooked soul
My shadow wants to escape
Crooked mind
Crooked personality
My soul is buried away
Twisted weakness
A strength with only a force
Evil lies inside a spell
Making my blood pour
Releasing tension,
My body is just broken
Releasing anger,
My screams has spoken
Releasing violence,
My strength has taken over me
Releasing tears,
My heart is bleeding
Difficult to function
And when i try, i make mistakes
Difficult to be calm
And when i try, i end up screaming
Difficult to talk to everyone
And when i try, i burn with anger
Difficult to be stable
And when i try, my moods keep changing
Difficult to be still
And when i try, i end up hurting
Difficult to change
And when i try, im start all over again

I have asked for silence,
Not to go deaf or unable to speak.
I have asked for everything to be gone,
Not to go blind.
I have asked to breathe calmly,
Not to completely stop breathing.
I have asked to relieved,
Not to go weak.
I have asked to forget things,
Not to have amnesia.
I have asked to dim the lights,
Not to be trapped in the darkness.
I have asked to stop the nightmares,
Not to stop sleeping.
I have asked to stop crying,
Not to stop all emotions.
I have asked to cool down,
Not to freeze.
I have asked to be warm,
Not to boil with heat.
I have asked to be patient,
Not to wait forever.
I have asked to stop all the problems,
Not to stop everything.
I have asked to turn away from the mirror,
Not for it to break me.
I have asked that things go back to normal,
Not for everything to appear as something worse.
I have asked to change myself,
Not to be changed into a stranger I dont even know.

Im unable to swallow,
Im unable to breathe.
I feel like there is a thousand knives stuck in my throat;
Just going deeper & deeper,
Cutting off my circulation.
I have no strength to open up my airway.
I have no strength to stop the blood from escaping my body.
It burns;
Im trying to breathe,
But I appear to choke.
Im in so much pain;
Each knife feels like a set of hands;
Strangling me tighter & tighter,
Each time everything gets worse.
Everything is trying to enter me all at once.
Its too much for me to swallow;
& everything gets lodged inside.
I have forgotten how to breathe,
& I have forgotten how to swallow.
My heart is getting weaker.
Its slowing down.
My blood has turned cold,
& stopped the flow through my body.
My skin has suddenly gone numb.
My fingers & toes wont stop tingling.
Everything is happening all at once.
Cant swallow,
Cant spit it back out.
I just need to finally give up.
Just allow everything to take away my freedom to breathe.
Its all becoming more of a struggle.
Struggling for air;
Gasping,
Helpless,
In need to breathe.
In need to reach out,
But unable to swallow.

Trembling with mood swings
Im screaming
My throat is broken
& my cords are snapped open
Shaking with fear
Im crying
My eyes are burning
& my pupils made me go blind
Shivering with anxiety
Im hyperventilating
My nasal passages are completely blocked
& my lungs had collapsed
Dizzy with noises
My eardrums had shattered
& my ear canal has been cut
Numbness on my body
Everything had lost its strength

My heart is racing
My breathing is getting heavier
My tears keep falling
My head is pounding
My eyes are tricking me
My mouth is dry
My ears are ringing
My body temperature is cool
& suddenly im getting hot flashes
I burn up & sweat
Then I cool down
And I go numb
Im suddenly in shock
Unable to believe
Im very still
Unable to move
Im scared to turn and walk out the door
I dont want to be followed
And I dont want to be the victim
I cannot control myself for believing
I cannot control myself from being helpless
I cannot control myself from being naïve
I cannot control myself from seeing
I cannot control myself from hearing
I cannot control myself from being scared
Scared of life
Scared of the darkness
..Scared of my mind
Scared of myself

Listen to me guide you to my body;
I wanna whisper something in your ear,
& then act it out.
Listen to my plan;
Agree with what I ask of you;
& shut the door behind you.
Listen to my rules;
You have no choice but to obey me.
Just listen to me;
Allow your lips to read mine.
Just listen to me;
Allow us to caress eachother's body.
Listen to me;
Let us increase our energy levels.
Listen to me;
Let us open the bed.
Listen to me;
Let us strip eachother's clothes.
Listen to me;
Pick me up, then push me down.
Listen to me;
Let us finally heat up the room.
Now listen to me scream with pleasure.

Unable to breathe.
Unable to speak.
Unable to hear.
Unable to see.
My hands are choking my own throat;
& my feet are tripping my own body to the ground.
This invisible cage Im locked in,
Has made me a different person.
I appear crazy.
I appear angry.
I appear depressed.
I appear negative.
I appear bitter.
I appear fearful.
I appear in distress.
Whos going to save me now?
Whos going to listen to my screams?
Cause this voice in my head,
Is forcing me to swallow everything;
When my heart wants me to spit everything out.
No place to go.
Nowhere to run to.
Noone to talk to.
I have abandoned myself.
I have abused myself.
I have killed my spirits.
My soul stays trapped in the mirror forever.
Everywhere I turn,
& everything I touch;
Traps me inside my own mind.
It doesnt allow me to think.
It only allows me to fail.
Because this stranger doesnt recognize me anymore.
She ripped me apart.
She fought me to the ground.
She tortured me until I dripped with blood.
She made sure noone was around.
I,
The stranger.
I,
The abuser.
I,
Who trapped myself inside my own head.
I cannot escape my fears anymore.
Because I forced myself to struggle.

My memories of peacefulness has been erased from my mind
I have no way of getting back to the reality of life full of failure
I was drowned inside my body and then i wasnt living
I died inside my nightmares, then my dreams became a reality
I let go of myself and i slipped away
I fell through the cracks
And then i shattered into pieces that i thought would never break
I tied every knot tighter from my mistakes that were on a string
And then when i finally found the scissors,
Instead i cut myself from reality and the string had strangled me
On the ground i lay
I had fallen with no more pieces left to break
My body stopped working
Like a broken toy that got thrown out;
I didnt even care to get fixed
I gave it all up
The strength had left and the weakness forced itself in me
I didnt know how to use my lungs anymore
I forgot how to breathe
I didnt know how to use my mouth anymore
I forgot how to speak
I didnt know how to use my ears anymore
I forgot how to hear
I didnt know how to use my eyes anymore
I forgot how to see
I didnt know how to use my muscles anymore
I forgot how to move
I didnt know how to use my bones anymore
I forgot how to think
I didnt want to use myself anymore..

From the world,
To the mind
Inside the brain,
My body is restrained
Undoing the strength
That was turned into weakness
Disconnected picture;
Broken soul into pieces
Heart of glass;
Now has shattered
Mind of stone;
Now had broken
Body of a tomb;
Now had been open
Soul of an angel;
My wings had disappeared
Goodbye to the future
Hello to the past
Confused for the present
Nothing is going to last
Rewinding over and over again
Because im all broken
Forwarding precious times
My memory escaped me
Undo my kindness
Im injected with bitterness
Undo my thoughts
Im injected with black images
Break away,
Flew away,
Stayed away forever
Wings are gone,
Im no longer one.
My body is cut up in pieces
Still broken
Still blown away
My soul is shattered to pieces
Always broken
Wont return
My mind is chipped to pieces
Into the mind,
No more world
No longer together as one
Away forever,
Forever gone.
I am so undone
Disconnected body
Disconnected soul
Disturbed mind
Im forgetting who i am
Disconnected body
Disconnected soul
Disturbed mind
Im being pulled away from it all

Im scared
But the lights never come on
I hyperventilate
But my breathing makes me choke
I fall
But the floor never catches me
I run
But the path loses me
Im hurting
But i continue to feel the pain
Im guilty
But im still the one to blame
Im anxious
But my heart beats faster
I cant see
But i go blind
I cant speak
But i go silent while being mute
I cant hear
But i go deaf
I cant feel
But i turn numb
Im angry
But my mind gets stronger
Im violent
But i get stronger
I stay awake
But i continue to have insomnia
I cry
But my tears never dry
Im out of control
But i continue to fight myself
I bleed
But my wounds never heal

The phone calls reached your ears
But my ears were saddened by the other end
Everyday i called
But everyday got shorter
I heard the weakness in your voice
I heard the change from the words you tried to speak
I just couldnt recognize the strength that suddenly grew so weak
I tried to raise your spirits,
but i couldnt understand the pain
My tears were always hidden
They drowned me as i closed myself in
I knew time was running out and then i wished there was something i could do
There was no voice because you were limited to speak
There was no air that was strong because you were fighting to breathe
Everything was slowing down;
We just tried to understand what you felt
Seeking help; we only heard you in pain
We wished you had healed
We wished you were able to explain
I was confused;
But then i understood
I was dumb;
But then i wasnt stupid
I was dreaming;
But then the nightmare came true
I was deaf;
But then i heard
I was praying;
But then my prayers were ignored
We couldnt hear no more
Then the breathing got slow
It was a nightmare
A terrible nightmare
I wanted to close my eyes and make it all disappear
But when i opened my eyes, it was the pounding heart that disappeared

I feel the heaviness of anxiety being pushed on me
And then im pinned down with no way of getting up
I try to grab air because my lungs are too weak
When i try to breathe, gravity pushes down on me
My heart is being squeezed and tortured
And then it pours out all the blood that once filled me
I try to drain out my mouth from the watering saliva;
That gets me choking as i try to swallow
My heart pounds;
It races fast
And then i feel the attacks come at me
And then i fight but i lose at my own battle
Im inside something and im getting no air
Im inside something that doesnt allow me to have any room to breathe
I struggle to breathe
I try to breathe
I hyperventilate knowing it wont end

I finally go deep inside my mind
I close my eyes and suddenly i cry
I see everything now;
That i never saw before
I see everything i chased right out the door
I remember the times i threw myself to the ground
I lay there broken;
Never wanted to be found
I shut my door
I ignored who cared
I only focused on all my fears and nightmares
Those nights that i cried
Those nights i wanted to hide
Those nights that i had a knife
Those nights that i wanted to die
The nights i drank to forget
Were the nights i wanted to be numb
The nights i picked up a knife
Were the nights i wasnt afraid of blood
The times that anxiety choked me
I was struggling and i was weak
My fears kept getting closer to me
Then i just never wanted to see
The anger never stops
The depression never leaves
The weakness never strengthens
The ongoing of memories

Its back
I feel it
It found me
Is it really going going to destroy me again
Break me again
I thought my fears left forever
I guess it was a lie
Now i sit, and lay down to cry
Why is this happening again
I dont understand
My enemy is back
And this time it wants revenge
I made sure it was gone
I made sure it was done
And i was so sure the stranger had disappeared forever
I was wrong
It only lightened
Now the darkness is back again
And now im blind once again
I thought it was over
And it only left me alone for a little while to allow myself to finally breathe;
To finally find myself
Now my breath is stolen once again
I need to try to breathe on my own once again
And i know im going to struggle once again
Why is this pain back?
Im being abused again
Now i need something stronger to help me fight once again
The changes are so intense,
& im so confused
My mind is exhausted
My body, again being used
Because im chained once again
And forced to swallow the key
Its all beginning again
I have to fight again
Fight the enemy; its me
Where do i stand,
Because im falling again
The pain,
Its back
Now im wondering,
Is my mind going against what was helping me?

The strength has been forced to escape through my fears
And now it replaced itself with weakness
I bent myself the wrong way and now im broken
I twisted too far and now im fractured
I jumped too high and now i cant walk
I threw myself and now im shattered
I picked up my pieces but nothing matches
When i try to find my strength, its already hiding from me
When i try to lose my weakness, its already fighting me
I realized i did it all
I made it all disappear
I broke the rules
I escaped from safety
I ignored who spoke to me
I tried to ignore my broken dreams
I drank all the poison
I created my own scars
I made my own cuts
And i went too far
I tried to get up while my legs were numb
I tried to speak while my mouth was closed
I tried to see while my eyes were shut
I tried to hear while my ears were plugged
I tried to breathe while my lungs were collapsed
I tried to think while my mind blocked me from it all

I escaped
I broke free
I was my own enemy and fought my fears
Its a memory i dont want to remember
The bruises are inside of me
And the pain still remains
& all it takes is something small to make me turn again
Its buried,
But i accidentally dig it out
I remember
Im spacing out
I feel the pain
And so im anxious once again
That moment to remember
That moment to not breathe
That moment to try to forget
That moment to try and make it leave
Times
Places
Pictures
Things
My mind is being manipulated
Im depressed once again
My mind is being bothered
My anger is back again
My mind is being feared
Im scared once again
My mind is being played with
Im hyperventilating once again
Anything and everything
Can make the pain even worse
Anything and everything
Can release the enemy
Anything and everything
Can make me remember
Going back;
Its all making me think
I just shut my eyes and try to forget
Undo this pain once and for all
I thought it was gone forever
I guess i was wrong
And i do remember
And i dont forget
Thoughts running through my head
Memories open the door again
Im just forced to allow them back in my life
Can i just forget
How do i forget
Forget the life
That was full of regret
And then i feel like im retracing what i damaged
And what i damaged, im retracing
And what was damaged,
Is now always in a bandage.
But every so often it rips off of my mind.
Then i bleed once again

How do i hide if im being chased?
How do i hide if im being found?
How do i escape if i end up in chains?
Im so afraid
Im being threatened
And i believe it all because all this negativity wont give up
Im being pointed at
Im being laughed at
Im being bullied
Im being tortured
Im being abused
Im being used
And then i appear stupid
Because i do as im told
Who is this person trying to boss me around?
Who is this person throwing me to the ground?
Im being drained
My strength was stolen and now im so broken
In pieces i shatter;
On the floor torn apart,
The only thing in one piece is my weak heart
Now the heart bleeds
Im crying with blood
Im drowning in a puddle
Im drowning my fears
These new moods
These new emotions
Were made for me to change
These new breathing patterns
These new cuts
Were made to show that im crazy
My head is being squeezed from my own hands
Because i know whos behind it all
I am a victim of my own mind

I never understood why i couldnt get up
I never understood why i had no strength
I was knocked down by an invisible force, waiting for me to break
And i did break
I broke into pieces
There was no sand to protect me
Just rocks & glass that pierced through me
The sun burned me and left me with darkness until I drowned
Drowned from a rain so cold;
As i constantly hit ground
Again and again i tore open my scars
I bleed with no ending
My stitches turned to dust
I was shaken so much that my head lost reality
I became abnormal and then i went into a dark world
My mind left me insane;
I felt the cold liquid again
My body all drenched with the force once again
I felt that water through me again
And then i find myself fighting..
Its so unknown when i try to think
My mind gets blanked out
Its so unknown when i try to speak
My throat chokes me
Its so unknown when i try to listen
My ears get plugged
Its so unknown when i try to see
My eyes are shut tight
Its so unknown when i try to breathe
Im drowning now

Everything i chewed,
And everything i swallowed,
Didn't stay inside my system because it made me so nauseous
I choked on the flashbacks that strangled my throat
I choked on the memories that i just couldnt throw
But then i threw up everything except my memories and hurts
I wanted to fight it
But i had to hold on
I had to just rescue myself from being under
I just wanted to breathe it all in;
Take what i wasnt allowed to have
I stole my freedom, then locked myself away
I stole my strength that wasnt allowed to stay
I tried to get rid of my weakness but i swallowed fear
I tried to get rid of my nightmares but they would always appear
My mind breathes while my body shuts down
My mind breathes while i fall to the ground
I wanted to replace everything that harmed me
But then that means i would replace my soul, spirit and body

I sit inside four walls
Im in the middle where i cannot breathe
I want to reach out but everything is so far away
Get me out;
I wanna get out
I feel that i cannot breathe because im losing air
Everything is closing in on me as i try to speak
Then when im silent, my heart pounds so loud i go deaf
Im unable to express what i feel
This feeling just cannot be explained
All the anxiety
All the hyperventilating
All my worries
All my fears
All the anger
All the tears
Where are holes that were supposed to me made?
The holes in which i have to force myself to breathe
I closed them
I hid them
Now i cannot breathe
Im choking as im struggling
Im dizzy as i catch my breath
I dont wanna do this anymore
Just let me out of this position
Im trying to do what i want but im being stopped
Im being held back to do so much
I just wanna break free
The outside is what im missing
Looking in, im so alone
In the darkness is what i fear
I fear the invisible truth
As i close my eyes, i listen; but i cannot hear
As i close my eyes, i touch; but i cannot feel
As i close my eyes, im talking; but i cannot speak
And as i open my eyes, i look; but i cannot see where to begin
Im just sealed inside my own mind

I still remember all the fun
Those times that i didnt know how to worry
I still remember being quiet
Those times that i wouldnt bother anybody
I still remember the excitement
I still remember the games
I still remember the happiness
Positivity was always the same
I will remember the changes
I will remember the words
I will remember the confusion
I will remember the sudden anger
I will remember the distance
I will remember the screams
I will remember being lost
I will remember how i suddenly couldnt see
Always thinking what i could have done
Always thinking what i could have said
Always thinking how to go back
Always thinking; then i cried in my bed
Always thinking not to fail
Always thinking not to be scared
Always thinking not hide
Always thinking to be prepared
I wont forget how i started to bleed
I wont forget how i couldnt speak
I wont forget how i fell to me knees
I wont forget how i couldnt breathe
I wont forget that i picked up the knife
I wont forget that i ignored the people who cared
I wont forget that i slipped away
I wont forget that i smelled poison air
I will never forget my mistakes
I will never forget my regrets
I will never forget what i have done
I will never forget who left
I will never forget what is now scarred
I will never forget what i could have changed
I will never forget that i went too far
I will never forget all the shame

People stare
People talk
People laugh
People judge
Tell me something i dont know
Dont tell me something i already know
Voice your words somewhere else
And please erase what you wrote upon my body
The ink that was permanent wont rub out
By mind is infected by the hurtful sounds
The loudness of everyones mouth,
Now my ears are ringing
Its all *******
And now my heart is stinging
I hear it all
I see it all
I notice it all
I feel it all
If I continue to worry
I will become more stressed
And then these people wont make me rest
Theres jealousy & hate
Theres rumours & truth
But theres never any silence;
Why do people have to talk
Theres no privacy when im there
And when i disappear, people close there eyes
Let me do the things i wanna do
Im sure you can relate
But i know its not about you
Its all about me
Its all about the judging
Its all about the rumours
Its all about the hate
Its all about the jealousy
The judging,
For who i am and what i do
The rumours,
When you dont know my story
The hate,
For me being a *****
The jealousy,
Now u wanna know me;
Now you wanna be me
Dont confuse your own mind with mine
I have a stronger grip
Dont mix in your own heart with mine
I have a deeper anger
Dont try to fix me for your convenience
In the end my tools are sharper
Break the silence,
And tell me to my face
Now leave the circle;
The one that im in
Im glad im the centre of attention
Are you done talking **** now

Why do i need to search for my strength
Finding my weakness just hurts too much
And i cannot tolerate the pain anymore
I just recently learned who i really am
And who i was
But when im injected,
Its just all fake
Picking through my body,
Picking through my veins,
Picking through my mind,
So i wont go one more time insane
It fills my heart will love
It fills my fears with no worries
It fills my anxiety with no fear
It fills my moods with stability
Is this real
Is this fake
Do i believe
Or did i make a mistake
My body is fighting
Im getting used to the drug
My body is sick & tired
Can i just stay off?
When my tears pour out,
I dont know what to do
Im so confused with life
Is this me
Or is this untrue
Running on fakeness
I wish i could give myself this relief
Running on chemicals
I wish this wasnt me
This is so fake
This isnt me
But if i stop now,
Ill go back the way i used to be
Why couldnt i handle my weaknesses on my own
Why couldnt i make all my fears go
Im hopeless
Im useless
I just cannot give myself life support
If i stop now, im so deadly to myself and other people
If i take it all away now,
My good will turn to evil all over again
My body craves for the fake happiness thats being swallowed and pushed down inside me
This isnt me
I didnt do this on my own
This is so fake
But i need to shut up and swallow what changes me

An anxious feeling, that i dont wanna feel
I just wish this all wasnt real
The happiness suddenly fails, and and now my emotions weigh me down
My heart pounds as i try to breathe
My mind is confused as i try to see
I cant talk
I cant mov
I cant hear
All the images that keep rewinding,
Waits to play when im in peace
Im bothered again
And then im disturbed
I cant focus because its all so real
Im underneath the covers as i start to choke & tear
Im hyperventilating
Im so dizzy with all my fears
When the darkness hits, the light just dies
Suddenly i feel my body all wet
Im un-dry as my eyes drip
The salt burns me
The water drowns me
Im drowning in my own pool of tears
Memories never fade
Memories are to cry
Scars are always visible
Scars can never hide
Cuts keep reappearing
Cuts were never healed
Im forever bleeding
The wounds never got sealed

I felt closed in as a tried to breathe
I couldnt walk without tripping over my own feet
In a room full of anger;
A room full of emptiness.
But in the dark i was able to see better
And because i saw in the dark,
I saw what i didnt wanna see
I heard what i didnt wanna hear
And i breathed how i didnt wanna breathe
I saw my fears
I heard the noises
I saw the flashbacks
I heard my screams
I felt my chest so tight
The darkness showed me reality
And in the light, everything was hidden
I searched for answers
Answers that i needed to find
My questions were always ignored
I couldnt help myself when i was blind
My arms tried to feel around to see if there was anything sharp to pierce the pain
And then i found my way to quiet my tears
A way that i can no longer hear my screams
I cannot see the danger
I can only feel my fears
If i try to seek the light , i know i will get burned
I stay in the darkness and i see everything
My fears
My memories
My habits
My weakness
My struggles
My emotions
The mirror, in pieces

Little girl in her own world
And the world is different from everyone else's
New discoveries
New paths
And then,
A new personality
So then, a hidden secret
I never understood what changed
I thought i was so normal
Something there just wasnt right
Something the family noticed just wasnt fine
I was able to see, but nothing was clear
I was able to hear, but it was all static
I was able to breathe, but i kept hyperventilating
My mind was so naive until i became friends with the devil
And when i tried to escape, it blinded me from the light
All the darkness was thrown in front of me;
I was too small to look for the light
But then i was too short to switch it back on
And then the walls caved in on me
The size that i was;
My bones have been broken from being crushed with fear
I didnt have the time to grow out of this sickness
And then all the questioned were asked..
Why are you like this?
Watch your attitude
Why arent you eating?
Your going to become anorexic
Why are you slamming the door?
Your going to break it
Why are you throwing things around?
She can hurt someone
Why are you yelling?
Your scaring everyone
Why are you hurting people?
Keep your hands to yourself
Why are you talking to yourself?
Your so weird
Why are you failing in school?
Your going to fail the grade
Why did you become distant?
You dont talk to anyone anymore
Why are you a *****?
Your going to lose your friends
Why are you getting into fights?
One day you will fight with the wrong person
Why dont you sleep?
Take a sleeping pill
Why are you hyperventilating?
Why are you anxious?
Why are you angry?
Why are you violent
Why are you promiscuous?
Why are you always drunk?
Why are you suicidal?
And these questions couldnt be answered until i allowed myself to take control
I never knew what the word crazy meant until i actually read the word and matched it to my mind
C-crying my eyes out
R-restless and never tired
A-anxiety attacks forced me to hyperventilate; anger turned into danger within myself
Z-zoning out and not responsive
Y-yelling and screaming with rage
Im still growing up
Im still trying to control it all

My body was created and then torn apart
Like a puzzle that noone was able to put me back together
Through my skin,
I bled myself to hyperventilation
Through my body,
I drank myself to sleep
Through my soul,
I cried myself to dream
My head was left
My heart was always right
My arms were heavy
My legs were light
My eyes were always burned
My nose was plugged
My mouth was always stretched
My ears were always clogged
My pupils had been scratched
My nasal cavity had been pushed on
My vocal cords had been cut
My ears had been popped
My fingers and toes had been hit
My hair hasnt been strong
My face had been squeezed
My body had been numb
My body had been torn apart since it got created
Noone was able to put me back together with the pieces of my puzzle
When i was bleeding,
I wanted to bleed some more
When i was drinking,
I drank myself out the door
When i was crying,
Noone heard me

Its all closed
Its all locked
And everything is dark around me
Inside but cant get out
Listening but cant make a sound
Looking but cant see clear
Speaking but noone can hear
Around me i cannot explain
When i try to speak, noone can u understand
And when i try to make them understand, they get confused
Reaching out; this isnt a game
Reaching out; cause im going insane
I wanna close my eyes and then open them without being afraid
But my fears are all around me
My nightmares are out to get me
Im so isolated with fire and i feel im going to burn out
The tension is around me when i try to breathe
I cannot put my air anywhere so i choke
Im hyperventilating inside body; theres no room to breathe
My heart pounds faster but my body is weak
It suddenly stops because im ******* myself in my bones as i try to squeeze
I have no strength; its taken away
My weakness escaped
My strength, locked away
I wanna speak but i choke
I wanna see but my eyes close
I wanna hear but my ears are injected with static
I wanna feel but im so numb
I wanna run but i fall
I wanna breathe but my airway have been blocked
I wanna scream but my mouth is covered
I wanna cry but my eyes are shut tight
I wanna be told that i can escape but im told that i have to remain locked up inside
I wanna ice my skin but i will get frost bitten
I wanna pick myself up but im pinned to the floor
I wanna take in the breaths but my lungs have collapsed
I wanna start over but i cant
I wanna turn back time but it wont
I wanna unlock to escape,
But i threw away the key

If only my nightmares werent real
And i could have slept in peace
If only my breathing were normal
And i didnt have all this anxiety
If only my moods were stable
And that my tears would never escape
If only my anger wasnt bad and that i made myself filled with hate
If only i didnt ignore the people that i needed most
If only i wasnt distant and that i disappeared like a ghost
If only i had listened to the ones that i loved
If only i was smarter with the disaster that ive caused
If only the sorrow hadnt appeared into my life
If only i used my brain when i wanted to pick up a knife
If only i was able to help myself without so much force
If only i didnt hurt myself behind all the closed doors
If only i hadnt taken out all my anger onto family
If only i understood of why i became so crazy
If only things were different
If only things had changed
If only things didnt happen
If only things had been erased

I talk,
But im forced to choke on my words
I scream,
But im forced to hold it between my teeth
I whisper,
But im forced to just close my mouth
What is left?
I try to breathe,
But i have no oxygen
Inside my throat is where i feel a pain so uncontrollable
My chest feels like there are pins and needles; just piercing me and i cant find the holes
Then my heart feels like theres a knife just stabbing me with no control
My words were innocent until i was triggered
My actions were gentle until i was tempted
My mind was stable until i got introduced
My body was pure until i got damaged
As i whispered, i had to chew ******* my words
It was sweet and innocent, so i bit my tongue and silenced
Then i spoke, i had to close my mouth
It was salty but easy to wash it right out
Then i tried to breathe, it was too sour for me proceed.
I was struggling with no air
Then i tried to think, it was bitter and i couldnt keep it all in
So then my heart came up into my throat
The pain that i felt when i had to *****
But at the same time i was forced to keep it down
Im so nauseous from trying to be strong
I held inside everything that was wrong
I bleed without a knife
My mind just wants to fight
My nightmares havent disappeared
My fears have left me in tears
Now i cant breathe
Im choking and its all too sharp
I dont wanna close my mouth with everything just piercing through me
My throat acts like a shield; protecting the body from damage
But im too weak to fight back so i have to bite down and take it
Its inside my stomach,
I wanna ***** the liquid out of me
Its inside my blood,
I wanna cut out the depression inside of me
Its in my bones,
I wanna break; then rebuild what already broke me
Its in my chest
I wanna rip out the heart thats frozen
Its in my throat
I wanna pull it all out but its too late
Its in my mouth
I was forced to take in what i couldnt handle
My mouth was supposed to stay closed so that it all couldnt go down

Im smirking
Im smiling
Im giggling
Im laughing
Im finally on the floor
Laughing in tears
People dont know why
People dont know how
People dont know what
Why I laugh
& what Im laughing at
I refuse to tell
I refuse to reveal
I refuse to whisper
Im too quiet
Im stay to myself
But I keep laughing
& people question,
But I refuse to answer
Yet in the end Im not revealing because
The smile is really a frown that people see upside down
The laugh is really cries
The tears are from depression
Not tears of joy
& Im on the floor because I cannot handle these problems anymore