When i used to say goodnight,
I saw you in the morning
When i used to say im leaving,
I came back while you were there
When i used to call you on the phone,
Your voice would always be on the other side
When i used to go out,
You would stay up until i got home
When i went to bed,
I would wake up to see you still sleeping
When i used to smell your cooking,
You would always make enough for an army
When i used to say goodbye to you,
I said hello when i came home

I cant hear your goodnights anymore
I cant hear your goodmornings anymore
I cant talk to you on the phone anymore
I cant see you sleeping anymore
I cant smell your cooking anymore
I cant hear your hellos anymore
because i never thought i would ever be forced to say goodbye..

The most two-faced is the one living inside me;
the air I once breathed became polluted and made my soul black
When I became weak, I pushed myself to the floor
All those scars & cuts became bad memories that live on
I had fun drawing, but it wasn’t on paper
There was no eraser; I couldn’t erase the damage on my body
and that red liquid that dripped wasn’t paint
I tried to swim against my demons but they were a better swimmer
The ground I walked on was bumpy when I tried to walk away from the past
I needed to run away and hide from my fears but I was found
I felt warmth but then it turned cold
Then I heard every sound until my ears started to hurt
I kept my eyes opened but the tears ran down my cheeks and blocked my vision
A breath of fresh air became dusty and I began to choke
The reality was that I couldn’t be alive around myself
My wounds are healed but I keep bleeding
I can swim, but I’m drowning
I can walk, but I’m tripping
I can run, but I’m falling
I can feel, but I’m numb
I can hear, but I’m deaf
I can see, but I’m blind
I can breathe, but I’m hyperventilating
I can live, but I’m dying

Under the sea
On top of the sand
Between the waves
The king's daughter
Ruby red;
Her hair long and wavy
Amethyst purple;
Her chest is protected with plastic sea shells
Emerald green;
Her fins are strong
Shes wild
Shes free
Shes fun
Shes full of energy
Shes determined
She moves
She sings
She escapes when shes supposed to stay
And then a prince;
Takes her breath away
Wanting to take his hand,
She kills him with the eyes of crystals
Unexplainable love writes itself a book
Her heart is pounding
His heart is melting
The wind forces their bodies to reveal themselves to eachother
The waves move her into his space
At last they meet
She has no fear
The king is ignored
Love come first
He comes first
Noone else had the strength to take her heart
The anger in his voice
The power from his trident
The king had so much rage
And she tried to fight it
A wicked silhouette;
Willing to help a helpless mermaid
A transformation was forced
An evil fish was at her attention
And the human appeared
Her fins were locked up
Her voice was taken away
And the only way to love,
Was to finally walk
No recognition,
The prince didnt know
Her strength was taken
Her voice was taken
Her fins,
Disappeared
She only wanted to walk
But also wanted to talk
And she had to make a trade
Into a shell,
Her voice was stolen
That wicked fish used it to steal another thing
His love moved on
His love grew strong
Wrong body
Wrong soul
Wrong heart
Poor ariel
The tears made a new ocean
With all her breath;
Now shes swimming to a ceremony that should have been hers
He was ready
Into pieces,
The shell had escaped from an evil soul
Into her body,
The voice was back into the mermaid's soul
Into his eyes,
He saw what beauty was
The love grew
It grew upon everyone
In the end the prince was accepted
The king had bowed his head
The evil was gone
The magic, finally dead
Fins again
Voice again
Alive again
In love once again

She had a throbbing sensation in her finger that looked bruised
A throbbing in which her blood boiled through her veins to attack her stability
She needed relief from a bubble of pain;
She needed to feel all normal again
Finally a light pulled her through a
door
A pathway was made to guide her through the walls of the castle floors
The approach was like a treasure, she hasnt seen
A sharp object she can use to stop the throbbing on her skin
A voice of evil whispered in her ear
Touch the spindle was a command she was forced to hear
Like a magnet, her finger couldnt release,
A ***** to her body, put a force in her knees
Fell to the floor
Fell unconscious
Fell into a deep sleep
Fell so sudden
A sleep-like death was the queen’s intention
A crave for a princess for her to be weakened

One second of pressure
One second of force
One second of amusement
One second of fakeness
I laugh to hide the pain
I laugh to hold the tears back
Its only when someone tells me
Its only when someone cracks a joke
Its only when someone comments
That one moment doesnt leave me excited
That one moment doesnt leave me forgetting
That one moment doesnt leave me with happiness
Throughout the day.
Its only when I find something small to laugh about
Its only when I laugh for no reason
Its only to cover everything else up
I cannot stay like that forever
I cannot turn a frown upside down for hours.
My mind wont let me
I dont wanan fake it anymore
I dont wanna find excuses anymore
I just dont wanna laugh about the stupid little things only;
Because the big things is whats important;
& Im not eve laughing;
When everyone else is.
The pain hurts so much,
That I cannot stop laughing.
& when that second is gone,
Im back to crying.

I raised that hand one more time
Not to say goodbye;
But to say hi
Hi to the skin that healed many years ago
Goodbye to the unmarked wrist that finally went unharmed
That shiny, silver thing wasn’t a pretty jewel, nor a diamond
It wasn’t a piece of jewelry, or accessory, and not a pretty belt
All of a sudden my mind breaks the rules;
targeting one more time
Making me weak,
and ******* up one last time
It was a pressure that I once felt
I revisited the past while in the present
I unlocked a door with the missing key
A key I threw away, to get rid of my anxiety
It wasn’t a shiny; beautiful key
wasn’t the colour gold; it was was black & *****
The darkness were thoughts racing through my mind
The dirtiness was blood making me pour from the inside
I wanted a release that I used to give dangerously
I craved a new pill that I have never seen
I thought I killed the past;
or at least laid it to rest
I thought I would never pick up this weapon again
Sometimes we are convinced we are ok
and that we are finally strong
Then our mind becomes our enemy once again and proves us wrong

Just leave me to sit in the corner;
& let me drown in my tears.
Let me try to release all the tension within me.
Allow me to undo this pain.
Allow me to undo this sorrow.
Allow me to rebuild strength.
Allow me to figure things out.
Allow me to be alone.
Just leave me depressed.
Just leave me angry.
Just leave me confused.
Just leave me daydreaming.
Just leave me falling over.
Just leave me drunk with drama.
Just leave me to lose myself.
I never knew it would be this hard to start a new life with someone missing.
All special events;
All laughs & giggles;
All fun times;
Will be greatly missed.
All anger moments;
All negativity;
All ignorance;
Will be regretted forever.
Thoughts racing,
Heart pumping,
Heavy breathing,
Sweating puddles,
Headaches,
Anxiety,
Fear,
Ocean of tears.
Just leave me to lock my door.
Just leave me to fall to the floor.
Just leave me to think.
Just leave me in shock forever.
Just leave me to try and believe the truth.
Just leave me to catch my breath.
Just leave me to slow down my heart.
Just leave me to still my nerves.
Just leave me to sit down.
Just leave me to relax.
Just leave me to act up again.
Just leave me to cry again.
Just leave me depressed again.
Just leave me angry again.
Just leave me to daydream again.
Just leave me falling over again.
Just leave me to lose myself all over again..forever.
Let me drop,
Let me cry.
Let me run,
Let me hide.
Leave me torn.
Leave me in cuts.
Leave me bruised.
Leave me broken.
Leave my heart to bleed;
Bleed from the other half thats been taken away forever.

I have asked for silence,
Not to go deaf or unable to speak.
I have asked for everything to be gone,
Not to go blind.
I have asked to breathe calmly,
Not to completely stop breathing.
I have asked to be releaved,
Not to go weak.
I have asked to forget things,
Not to have amnesia.
I have asked to dim the lights,
Not to be trapped in the darkness.
I have asked to stop the nightmares,
Not to stop sleeping.
I have asked to stop crying,
Not to stop all emotions.
I have asked to cool down,
Not to freeze.
I have asked to be warm,
Not to boil with heat.
I have asked to be patient,
Not to wait forever.
I have asked to stop all the problems,
Not to stop everything.
I have asked to turn away from the mirror,
Not for it to break me.
I have asked that things go back to normal,
Not for everything to appear as something worse.
I have asked to change myself,
Not to be changed into a stranger I dont even know.

I heard a click that was ready to collapse
He grabbed my hands and bent my body back
What I heard, turned into what I felt
His grip was tight before I yelled
That click that I heard, guided my skin to his lips
Then he brought his head & mouth to my
hips
Then he locked me; he wouldnt let me even if I could
My arms stayed above my head, and shackled to the wood
He undid the buttons, the zippers &
strings
He continued to wet my body with his lips
His hands were free, while mine were cuffed
He made sure that click was turning into something rough

Inside my head im flying
But i fly to an unknown place
A place to cry
A place to mourn
A place for anger
A place to be depressed
A place to be hurt
A place to forget
As i land thats when it all hits me
And i try to push it all away,
But it all seems to be coming closer then ever
I try to reason;
To make a deal
But like always, i never win
Im stuck on this island forever
All around me seems to be unfamiliar
I came to a place to lose myself forever
When the white wings were born,
It was so pure
All the negativity suddenly changed its colour
If i try to pull these things off,
Will i be different;
Will i be how i used to be
So now i tear out these wings,
As i rip open my skin
Now im bleeding,
Now im in pain
But the pain is not within my body
Its in my mind,
Its in my soul
The blood just makes me dizzy as i continue to separate myself from it all
Im in pain because i want to
Now its even more
As i tear it all off,
It grows back for more
Im so stuck
Im stuck like this forever
I thought i accomplished what i needed
I really dont know how to fix it all
Disappear, or just deal with it all
I thought i would escape, but now i made it worse
How can i fly back?
I cant.
How can i start over?
I cant.
I appeared into a world that i created
A world not normal;
To be who i want
But now i wanna go back
Now i regret it all
And as i try to fly, it hurts
As i get up it weakens me
Theres no turning back,
Because i had chosen my path
This colour wont make me change to what im begging for
All alone;
Its cold
Its dark
Its silent
How do i go back home
Right now im so lost
Because the right path has been erased

Pain eventually turns into numbness
Tears eventually make a pool
Anxiety suddenly freezes your lungs
That bleeding heart finally turns heavy, then breaks into a million pieces;
So then you become so weak
Weakness over strength,
The pain was too much to handle
And so it numbs every single memory,
Every single nightmare,
Every single fear
Every single worry
Every single emotion;
Then engraves the biggest memory in the mind;
A memory that wont be forgotten
That pain that went numb, suddenly hurts all over again
It was so numb, to feel it all over again

Your last of being healthy, then I made myself sick
Your last creation, then I created a mess
Your last gift, then I stopped wrapping
Your last movie night, then I stopped watching
Your last communication, then I went distant from the world
Your last strength, then I went weak
Your last drive, then I crashed
Your last holiday, then I stopped celebrating
Your last laugh, then I couldnt smile
Your last hug, then I went numb
Your last meal, then I couldnt eat
Your last word, then I couldnt speak
Your last blink, then I couldnt see
Your last breath, then I couldnt breathe
Your last heartbeat, then my heart started to bleed

Who was i to think that beauty would always win
The redness within my cheeks were quick to fool with an innocent grin
Who was i to think i was smart
I grew but i wasnt tall; my attitude
was above everyones level and i made everyone fall
Who was i to think i would be so strong
I grew my body with thorns to think i was able to fight my enemy and make them gone
A natural beautiful scent,
Not knowing when the stem will be bent
A garden so colourful, but i couldnt fit in
I couldnt grow the way i wanted
I couldnt help myself the way i needed
I hated myself for leaving with the wind
I hated myself for leaning towards the darkness
I lost the sun, the rain, and the grass
I wanted to be good, but my mind watered me down the wrong path
I drowned and never came back
When the colour fades,
I want to hide my face
When the thorns fight me back,
I take all the attacks
When the petals fall,
My body weakens itself and stalls
When the stem finally breaks,
I knew i couldnt stop my mistakes

My scent is a way of forcing you to bring yourself into my world
Theres a path you should follow from beginning to end
A path that leads the way to the bed
Come through the trees,
the ones I grew
I wanted privacy
I wanted coverage
But for you i want to be ****
Close the gates as you walk through
Begin your journey by picking my flowers that you helped bloom
Ignore the dirt
I threw away all the negativity
Just plant a new seed in my throat that appears deep
Strip all my leaves and throw them to the ground
Sting these lips like a bee
Make me bleed
Make my heart see
Tickle my skin like a spider until you find my cave
**** my neck like a leech to make my strength misbehave
My garden had a missing link
I saw you, and thought of a snake
Your fangs grew & sunk into my skin
Your muscles squeezed my neck & you wanted to come in
You finally found the forbidden fruit
on my final tree
Keep me still & slither your way through me
Now it pours but not from the sky
You made my body rain from deep inside

A spoiled handsome prince
A beautiful enchantress in disguise
A spell that would last forever
It was a test
A rose was an exchange
He turned her away, and had to remain ugly forever
Until he loves
Until he changes
He remain; a beast forever
Depressed & confused
His heart was so cold
He needed love
Before the rose got old
Far away a beauty appears
Her big hazel eyes had such good intentions
Her lips shine as she sings
And a brunette long hair waved around as she dances
Full of life
Full of kindness
The opposite of who she will soon meet will frighten her
A sudden trap,
The beasts heart exploded
Papa is trapped,
But she gained strength to free him
The deal she made
The shock of life
Her life,
Prisoner forever
Seconds to minutes, they stare at eachother with silence
Minutes to hours, they fight constantly
Hours to days, everything was finally stable
Days to nights, the heart became warm again
The sound of her voice calmed the nerves;
Calmed the castle
The touch of her body turned him weak;
Made eyes bigger
The two that danced;
The two that sang,
The two that slowly turned hate to love
Bitterness was he;
Who turned into kindness
Miserable was he;
Who turned into happiness
Scary was he;
Who he turned gentle
And then suddenly,
A disaster
A magic mirror never told a lie
Run;
She needed to run
The beautiful dress;
She needed to change
The tall friend; the love;
She wanted to leave
Papa is sick
She needed to leave
His emotions were mixed
Torn
Sad
But understanding, he let her go
The ROSE;
She had left behind
Home sweet home
Not for long,
Not for peace
And now they wanted to **** the beast
& the castle dark with fear;
Protection could only be so long before its broken into a thousand pieces
And then finally a nightmare got created
The door opens
The arrow pointed
A man, who was a real beast inside had struck a restored heart
So silent;
It was too silent
Her body exhausted so she threw herself at him
"Please dont leave me;
I LOVE you"
And then the last rose petal had fallen down to die
Seconds were approaching
And then his sweet heart stopped
Her tears became apart of the rain
Into the puddles, she shed
There was a deep depression in her eyes
There was no more hope inside her mind
Silence turned to noise
A struck of bright light,
And then some more
A struck of bright lines,
And then alot more
and as he lifted into the sky,
He was unzipped out of that hideous costume
It was an amazing site
The glowing skin of a transformed figure
Eyes more crystal blue then ever
The body of a newly updated prince
Heart finally of gold
The wind pushed him close
His breath opened his lips
"Its me"
And then he waited for her response patiently
& then she was speechless until she realizes the truth
They're eyes connected deep within their minds
Deep within their souls
The happiness struck her suddenly and softly her vocal cords pushed the words of excitement out of her red lips;
"It is you"

I met a friend who appeared to be fake
I met a friend who i wanted to break
Taught me how to live, but made me go crazy
Taught me how to be happy, but made me cry
Taught me how to love, but made me hate
Taught me how to heal, but made me bleed
Taught me how to breathe, but gave me anxiety
Taught me how to relax, but made me
angry
Taught me how be strong, but made me weak

I lived in fear, thats why i went crazy
I was happy, because crying too much drowned me
I love, because pain was the only partner i had
I healed from the cuts & scars that were purposely done to my body
I breathed in so much toxic that harmed me
I was relaxed after i used negative paths to help me
I was strong to feed my weakness

I met a friend, that friend was me.
I was the one that destroyed my body, my soul and my sanity..

Pick me up like Im a box;
And carry me to a place meant for you to be alone
All this ribbon that binds me, are my chains that will free me
The paper that covers me is taped closed to hide an image
My body is a box
My string is the ribbon
My clothes is the paper
So throw me;
Im the present underneath your sheets thats green like a tree
****** me;
Now you’re ready to unwrap me

Riding inside sorrowful wheels
Our minds were so lost
Still to this day i continue to cry,
And i saw no colours but black
Because she made the colours bright
Now she doesnt drive anymore
But shes inside a car
Unable to move
Unable to speak
Unable to breathe
And we were forced to ride behind her
Blind to see the roads,
I wanted to turn back time
When is this pain going to end,
It should have never began
Alone,
Unbreathing,
Layed down to rest,
Its forever
Slowly we move,
Faster our hearts beat
Around in a circle,
I couldnt live through it
Then i made it;
But blinded;
Crying, and broken
The waving of their hands had me confused and locked up inside
Now this is the end
This is how we made her say goodbye
The hurst is what held her
Closed, and hidden inside
Arrived at the forest
With silent bodies around
Now its her turn to leave;
We had to say goodbyes above ground
She who was buried,
I felt like i was too.
Half my heart was gone
Half my heart was taken
Half my heart was shattered;
Broken
Forever gone
Half my heart was buried with her soul
So today i still cry
The black car that i see
As soon as it appears
Im unable to set myself free
The black car that i see,
It happens all the time
Everytime i see a funeral,
That day is in my mind
Like a light switch that turns on;
My anxiety turns on.
Im hyperventilating;
I cannot breathe.
The terrible memory i had to see,
This vehicle triggered a tragedy
Today i see the black car
The hurst that i hate
Today i think back when i had to witness her body escape

I close my eyes and see the past
Im taken away into the pain once again
It strikes me one more time
So my fears have returned and unlocked my door
Undoing my progress,
Its ruining my strength
Undoing my happiness,
Its ruining my moods
Undoing my past,
Its bringing me back
Walking then suddenly stopped,
Its blocking my path to move
Now it created a maze for me figure out and get hurt
Running then suddenly pushed,
On the floor now i cannot move
Forced to stay down in chains;
Now the mind is ready to work
A movie in front of me is placed
For me to cry through it all
Now its a never ending story,
Now im watching myself fail
Its pushing me to where i started
To remember and repeat my mistakes
Its pushing me to when i was weak
Now my strength is remembering where it died
Its pushing me to when i didnt listen
Now im ignoring my heart again
Its pushing me to when i was drug-free
To when my mind was always in control
Its pushing me to repeat
For my body to give in one more time
The maze is over but everything looks the same
Now im back where i started;
Im in the dark once again

I held on to what feared me for too long
Now i wanna leave; i wanna let go
My strength was taken and is still locked away
My weakness became weaker and im still searching a way to run and break free
I had enough of what tortured me;
My mind that overpowered me
I had enough of the pain that ruined me;
My soul that slowly finished me
I wanted no more abusing;
Myself that was always bleeding
I drowned and it wasnt from water
My tears were bringing me down
I ran but i wasnt being chased
My heart was racing from the worry
I choked and it wasnt from eating
My hands wrapped around my own throat
I stopped breathing and i dont have asthma
I hyperventilated from no control
I bled and it wasnt an accident
I was an owner of a razor
How do i undo this
How can i redo this
I searched for the key for years;
To unlock what i locked up that hid all my fears
All the pain
And all the wounds
All the scars
And all the bruises
All the fears
And all the nightmares
All the worry
And all the panic
All anger
And all the sadness
All the memories
And all the suffering
All the closure
And all the darkness
It needs to end

A flower bloomed so nice
Full of life
Full of colour
The stem was strong and so were the pedals
Opening the clothing to show its glow
But then every flower dies at one point in life
My legs gave out and then i wilted over
My colour had gone brown
My skin had marks as it tore
My bones became so brittle
My insides became so dehydrated
Then my heart grew so weak
My air was the wind; just breathing so hard
My lungs couldnt handle it anymore so i just hyperventilated
I felt all my pieces to my body shake
It was like i was being blown around;
And then the dizziness started
A trail of pedals had marked up the floor
The pedals attached, were the parts that i will have to search for
I took my pedals off one by one
And they came off so easily because i was weak
My pieces broke off fast
I ripped them off so angrily
And then they all just fell to the ground
I tried to water myself with my tears but it was too late
I cannot grow anymore
I cannot replant what already died
I cannot change how my body didnt survive

Face to face i spoke
Face to face i smiled
Face to face i shared all my secrets
Face to face i whispered
Face to face we slept
Face to face i trusted
When i spoke, i screamed;
I tried to fun from my fears
When i smiled, i pretended i was ok;
I cried behind closed doors and watched myself break
When i shared the secrets, i was actually sharing what to do;
I forced myself to harm; forced my mind to hurt my heart and bleed through my cuts
When i whispered, i was actually hyperventilating;
My anxiety striked me when i couldnt take no more
When i slept, i was experiencing nightmares
What happen to the dreams i once had?
I thought i knew, but i actually didnt
The person deep within was a stranger after all
Turned their back
Shut me out
Turned their face
Locked me out
Closed the lights;
And silenced me
Opened the door;
Pushed me out
Everything has turned and now im so confused
Living with the enemy is not easy
Sleeping with the enemy still chokes me
Looking at the enemy still makes me cry
Fighting the enemy, and then always losing
Being the enemy is basically my nightmare
Mind and heart separated
Heart and mind will never be reunited
So when i trusted, it was so wrong;
Yes it was so wrong to trust myself
I thought i knew who i was

He allowed his hands to wander all over my body;
Unzipping every zipper, and unbuttoning every button
The cloth that was on my skin came off
as his lips replaced what covered me
His tongue drew new clothes all over me
The excitement was real; I lost my breath
I was covered with saliva sweat
I heard my heart beating faster;
when his head got lower
Then he suddenly stopped
My heart also stopped;
He purposely made me wait
First he wanted to secure my arms,
and then my legs
I felt my wrists get shackled
I felt my ankles get shackled
He came closer
His lips pierced me harder
Then he made the handcuffs tighter
I felt that moment I was waiting for
His body, his energy
His strength; him ******* me
I couldn’t move;
thats how he wanted me
Made sure I wouldn’t move
Made sure he can hear me scream

I cant stay awake anymore
My body is giving out
Its tired; not for sleep,
But a crave to be in peace
I wanna know that in the end everything will be ok
I continue to fear,
I continue to have nightmares
And then i wanna disappear
The nights of hyperventilating
The nights of tears
The nights of worry
The nights of fears
I try to erase it all
But im only making it all stay
I wanna erase it all
But it will never go away
My thought; their racing
And i cant chase them to make them die
I learned to hide, but i never learned to be invisible
I was always caught from my fears
My hiding spots were taken away
& i found myself so many times;
Deep inside a hole
A black hole that blinded me
But i stayed awake to fight
Bit then i ended up getting so tired
So tired of the ******* that lurked around me
I fought but then i lost
I my mind won a thousand times
And then my heart broke into pieces knowing my body gets weaker each day
Emotionally tired; i have nowhere to rest the thoughts;
Even make them go away
My heart tired itself fighting for another chance
I lay here tired
Emotionally tired
I lay here restless
Physically restless
I lay here numb
Spiritually numb
I lay here broken
Mentally broken

I can zone out for hours and pretend that im ok
Until im shaken, im frozen
Until im moved, im still
Until im screamed at, my worries remain
I still think of those cuts made from a razer and a knife
I still think of those times when i wanted fight
I cannot forget those times i loved being alone
I cannot forget those times i loved my door closed
Privacy wasnt spoken about; i gave noone a choice
I shut the blinds before a stranger
I closed the window in front of my friends
I slammed my door on loved ones
And i welcomed my enemy that brainwashed my head
When i screamed, i harmed my voice
When i cried, i harmed my eyes
When i hyperventilated, i harmed my lungs
But when my thoughts didnt make sense, my brain was fine
Not understanding what hurt me but i remember how it ruined me
I was fragile when my strength was taken
Then my power was only inside my head
I remember who i hurt
I forgot who i was
I remember who i ignored
I forgot the person that i lost
I only knew fears, loneliness and bleeding pain
Deep down i tried to find a shield, a perfect stranger, and a bandaid

I was waiting for that moment that my loneliness would change
The moment that i felt everything;
That moment that i felt beautiful pain
Underneath had been revealed
I feel the gentle touch from your hands
I feel the warmth of your body
I feel the soft touch from your lips
And this is only the beginning
Started with a kiss
So innocent
So sweet
Then i couldnt breathe
So trapped
So weak
And then my lips; indented from your teeth
The swelling of the lips that i couldnt speak
I was locked inside your mouth
The hard breathing that i couldnt control
I was trapped under your body
The screaming that i couldnt hold in
I learned you hated silence
The darkness blinded our eyes
But we can feel
The feeling of being restraint
But the excitement is real
The reality of the kiss
The reality of the love
The reality of the plan
The energy that couldnt stop

He secured me where he wanted me as the bed indented from my body
The soft kisses became hard *******; marking up my neck while I tried to breathe
I felt his hands all over me, slithering below my waist
Then his fingers assisted his tongue with a taste
His knuckles made a sound while hitting my bone
My whispers changed, and turned into moans
He broke my silence, but I couldn’t speak
No words came out; only a scream
Looking forward to the rest of the night,
I couldn’t wait for something bigger to go inside

I heard the sound of his belt buckle hitting the floor
Then when he separated my
knees, I kept wanted more
Our naked bodies were taking a beating from the loud clapping we were making
His hands became part of the bed, being underneath my ****;
squeezing me while my vocal cords were stressing themselves out
I kept breathing hard and he went faster
I kept screaming louder and he went harder
I kept scratching his back and he went deeper

He wanted full control
So then he flipped me over as my hips were gripped tight;
Getting ready as he went behind
My voice was fainting, as he ignored
I couldn’t handle that beautiful pain, but I still wanted the amazing pleasure
His body was always like a machine
He loved when I couldn’t handle the moves that made me scream
His hands connected with what was below my lower back
That redness appeared a little after his spanks
Suddenly I felt a yank on my head
My hair was in a ponytail held tight by his hand
His other hand wrapped around my neck
I could barely move as his torso rested on my back
There was a rush of unexplainable sounds
Each new position wanted their rounds
Our breath dried out our mouths; making us choke
Then my screams strained my vocal chords & throat
Our skin became louder, making ourselves red
The ending had approached as we soaked up the bed

My arms reach up,
But never brought back down.
Im down on my knees;
& I dont know how to get up.
Im still falling
Im slowly weakening
Im slowly in pain
I feel as though my walls are sound-proof,
& that my door always locks me up inside.
I feel as though my windows wont open;
& that my phone has died.
I keep waiting,
But I feel that Im waiting for nothing.
Because Im still in the same spot that I started.
I havent budged,
I havent moved,
I havent spoken,
I havent even slept.
& so Ive had nightmares with my eyes open;
& dreamt that things would go back to normal.
I just wanna sleep through the storms of drama,
& wake up to the sun shining on everything thats back to normal.
I just wanna stop the future and relive the past.
The past that was full of happiness,
& not the past that was full of sadness.
If I can just go back,
I would change everything.
I feel that everything has just turned its back on me;
Because everything was my fault.
& I feel guilty because I did nothing to prevent such a tornado;
That tore everything apart.
I wanted to do so much;
Help so many;
But I just couldnt trust myself.
Not capable of anything;
Not successful in anything;
& not smart in anytihng.
I just keep holding my hands out to the mirror,
But the enemy wont take me.
There is no communication with myself anymore.
I do things;
& behind my own back,
Im slowly killing myself.
Lord, I dont wanna ask for your help anymore;
Because you've done too much for me.
& yet you have saved me;
When I should have been left to die.
& in the end I keep disrespecting you;
& so I keep apologizing;
& you keep giving me way too many chances;
I feel as though I have been taking advantage of you;
Because I made it clear to you that I cannot help myself anymore.
I just wanna change everything;
But all my strength has been tortured from all the anger.
All my strength has been tortured from all the stress.
All my strength has been tortured from all the anxiety.
All my strength has been tortured from all the fear.
& all my strength was tortured from me.
Im all on my own,
& I dont know what Im doing anymore.
Years of tolerance has forced me down the wrong path.
I am now a complete mess with everything.
Im unable to guide myself.
Im unable to help myself.
I have completely given up;
Because theres nothing I can do for myself anymore.

A tunnel thats ready to move,
Im inside a dark place
I feel the tension inside my body and im preparing not to breathe
I feel the squeeze that covers my lungs
The liquid that escapes, makes a puddle of blood
My throat doesnt cooperate when i try to swallow
I choke on the past
And i hyperventilate on all the shadows
The air that i try to catch only makes me dizzy
My heart races
And my body gets heavy
Everything is getting smaller as i get weaker
My bones arent strong as my body gets tighter
Im falling over as my skin rips apart
I shattered the pieces to my heart
The tunnel is my body and its closing in on me

I saw all the colours fade
They faded into grey
They faded into black
And then i saw beautiful flowers trying to replace a beautiful soul
And nothing can replace another broken soul
I watched every second
I cried every second
I wished every second for the weakness to be gone
I often wondered why, but God gave me no answer
I often asked multiple questions, but
God ignored every single one of them
Nothing was cured
Not even my heart
Nothing was done
Not even a miracle
The prayers that got delivered, are still locked up in my brain
But then i often thought about what could have been prevented if the devil hadnt stepped in
Her days were getting short,
And i saw a bed being made up above
I dreamt of a queen but i never knew who
Until the day came
Until there was nothing left to do
Why take such an innocent soul
Why take such a beautiful face
Why rob the family of happiness
Why make such a terrible mistake
A sleeping beauty that never woke up,
Everything was done
And left us in shock
There was a new place to hold her
To place her body
To keep her
From his hands to her wings
They gained an angel
But we lost a queen

*dedicated to my mother i miss and love u so much

She craved what she didnt deserve;
Her eyes killed a strength that turned into weakness
It was when she was told that there was beauty greater than her;
She then revealed all her secrets to a mirror who voices the truth
That singing voice hurt her ears
That beautiful face burned her eyes
A jealous soul had a plan to ruin a strong heart of gold
A potion; waited to be made
A poison; waited to be poured
A ***; waited to be heated
An apple; waiting to be boiled
And then a disguise; all in black
Her crown came off, and her cape fell off her back
She turned old & wrinkly
Grey & her voice was squeaky
A basket full of apples were finally carried out to be noticed
Black hair
Fair skin
Red lips
The princess let her in
One conversation
One bite
On the floor
The queen finally shut her eyes

I can feel an anxiety thats coming through with force
My body is shaking
My body is trembling and then im numb
I feel a gentle flow running down my face from my eyes
My face is shining
My face feels wet
Now my face shines, but not with happiness
Im sparkling now with brokenness
I wiped away everything that ran down my face
I was glowing
I was sparkling
I couldnt get these tears off my face anymore
I was angry
I was anxious
I couldnt stop these tears from coming through my eyes
I was depressed
I was hurt
I couldnt stop these feelings tearing my heart out of my chest
I wanna run, but where will i hide
I wanna speak, but what will i say
I wanna fall, but whos going to catch me
I wanna sleep, but will i wake up
I keep wiping my face
They are just sparkles
I keep counting each sparkle
Each one has its meaning
I keep releasing them on my face
And my face always shines
I cannot control whats coming through my broken heart & eyes

I felt like i was squeezed;
Like my body was ******* itself into my bones
I felt like i was choking
Like my vocal cords had been snapped from the impact within my soul
I felt like i was weak;
Like my legs just collapsed over my feet
I felt like i was numb;
Like my skin went into a deep sleep
I felt like i couldnt move;
Like my bones turned brittle from the weakness from the cold
I felt like i was dizzy;
Like my head was spinning me around into circles
I felt like i couldnt focus;
Like my eyes kept going blurry
I felt like i couldnt hear;
Like my ears took everything in as being staticky
I felt like i couldnt breathe;
Like my lungs had been broken and my heart stopped suddenly
I felt like i could speak;
That my air had pronounced as being anxiety

When your inside a box, you cant move
When you cant move, its because theres no holes
When the box has no holes, it will make it harder to breathe
When the water is dumped in the box, you panic
When you panic, its because your trapped
When your trapped, its because you cannot breathe
When you cannot breathe, its because your slowly drowning
The water keeps pouring inside the box that has you closed deep inside
Struggling
Fighting
You cannot breathe until the water is released
It keeps filling and your so deep inside
Deep inside a tiny room with no room to breathe
To struggle means screaming in silence
To scream silently means running with the fears that has you trapped
Closed inside with the nightmares
And your drowning with all the fears on top
They're alive while your dying
They laugh while your cry
They breathe while you lose all your air
You try to pull everyones oxygen to help your own breath
Lungs are weak
Nothing more to do then wait
Wait to see what you can conquer
And wait to see the next day
Fighting
Struggling
The lid wont come off
Fighting
Struggling
The box is too strong to receive holes
Fighting
Struggling
The box is overflowing
And its the mind thats does the drowning

This is what I choose
So dont make me change my mind
This is how I want to live
So dont pressure me to move away from memories
Dont question me
I dont reveal,
So then you cant comment
Dont talk behind my back
I have ways of finding out
I know you look at my face
I know you watch how I act
I know you hear things
I know you try to help
I know you want to know everything
Everyone needs to stop
Everyone needs to relax
Everyone needs to step back
Everyone needs to mind their own business
Everyone needs to stop asking
Everyone needs to shut the **** up
Dont be surprised
Because you will never see me the same again
Dont be shocked
Because this is how Ive changed
Dont make things worse
Because I will get worse
Dont pretend you know everything
Because you havent spoken to me
Dont try to change my life
Because nothing good will come out of it
Allow me to do my own things
Allow me to make my mistakes
Allow me to be alone
Allow me to figure things out
Dont try to force out the depression within me
Dont try to force out the anger within me
Dont try to force out the quietness within me
Dont try to force out the stress within me
Dont try to force out the stranger within me
Dont try to replace the depression with happiness
Dont try to replace the anger with relaxation
Dont try to replace the quietness with noise
Dont try to replace the stress with ease
Dont try to replace the stranger with who I used to be;
Because you will never see my old spirit again.
Listen to my voice.
Listen to my tone.
Listen to ME.
Ive had it;
And I dont want to repeat myself anymore.
Everyone;
& everything is making **** so much worse.
& I just want to be left alone.
Im not ready to talk
Im not ready to decide
Im not ready to communicate
Im not ready to move on
Stay away from my problems
Stay away from what I do
Stay away from what you heard
Stay away from who Ive become
Everyone just understand;
I dont wanna hear it anymore.
Everyone just understand;
I dont wanna fight anymore.
Everyone just understand;
I dont wanna hear **** behind my back anymore.
Everyone just understand;
I dont wanna be pressured anymore
Everyone just understand;
I dont wanna repeat myself anymore.
Everyone understand;
Leave me the **** alone.

I hear the burning creeping up when Im about to breathe
I hear a bruise in my chest when my heart is about to pump
I hear the pressure in my head when its about to expand
I hear the numbness in my hands when they are about to crack
I hear the weakness inside my body as my strength wares off
I feel the burning in my throat when I try to breathe
I feel the bruises in my chest my heart makes, when it pumps aggressively
I feel the pressure in my head when it pounds hard
I feel numbness in my hands as I try to touch
I feel weakness within myself when I suddenly appear to change
I see redness inside my throat when my breathing gets worse
I see the bruises in my chest when my heart pumps faster
I see the pressure in my head as it blows up like a balloon
I see the numbness in my hands when they appear not to move
I see the weakness within myself when I notice Im falling on the floor to pieces
I hear,
I feel,
I see;
My body reacting.

Its all coming back
And i want it to stop
Nothing is working;
I thought this therapy was working
The therapy that i created to achieve a strength that is now fading away
Im feeling sick
Im feeling weak
Im feeling pained
And i cannot breathe
Im scared again
My fears have returned
Im scared again
My anxiety never learned
Im back to square one,
How it never made sense
I couldnt round off the edges into a circle
When i finally made that circle, i was in the middle and then i spun
Again it never stopped
Now the shape im in is pointed
I feel the thorns dig into my skin
I feel weak
I feel i cant feel
I feel numb
I feel i cant speak
I feel stiff
I feel i cant walk
I feel dizzy
I feel i cant breathe
I feel frozen
I feel i cant think
I feel pain
I feel im bleeding all over again

She doesnt even care who watches her
She doesnt even care who talks about her
She doesnt even care how she disrespects herself
She cares for pleasure
Cares to meet guys
Cares to be seen
She uses it to get away
She uses it to distract her mind
She uses it to relax her nerves
Not sober,
But not an alcoholic,
A sexoholic.
So shes drunk with pleasure.
And she knows people talk
And she knows people disagree
And she knows people laugh
And she knows people watch
And she knows people are disappointed
And she knows people cant mind their business
And she knows other girls are *******
Everyday, a different guy who calls.
Everyday, a different number she saves.
Everyday, a different car shows up.
Shes too out of control
Shes too confused to realize
Shes too focused on one thing
Shes too distracted to worry about all the problems
Because she chooses to be the way they see her as
She choses the way she acts
She choses the way she dresses
She choses the way she moves
She choses the way she thinks
She choses the way she talks
She choses the number of guys
She choses to be a ******

Im silenced from my mind
And im forced not to talk
I dont know what im thinking
I dont know what im supposed to do
My head is spinning so i fall
I fall and cant get up
Im so weak from being too strong
All my strength has disappeared
No more thoughts
No more voice
No more expressing how i really feel
I feel so trapped
When i try to think, my head starts to hurt
When i try to speak, my mouth becomes dry
When i try to see, my eyes get watery
When i try to listen, my ears start to ache
When i try to move, i become numb
I tried everything
I gained weakness when i lost all my strength
And when i try to exercise my mind, i hyperventilate and collapse
I have no more words because i wasted all my energy to show what i feel
My stories never got across
And when it did, i never cared to cure whats been hurting me
Unresponsive;
I force myself to be silent
If i talk, im screaming
If if i scream, im crying
If i cry, i hyperventilate
When i cant breathe, i just fall to the floor
I dont have the strength to pick myself back up
And when my legs are shaky, its so hard to walk the path i once got lost in
I have no more memory,
Of what i need to remember
And when i wanna forget,
It all comes shooting inside my head
I can never win
Because i always lose
It kills to learn how to think again
I wanna try to start over again
Im willing to try again
But i think that my mind wants it all to end
I try to wake up but dreams got lost
I try to forget but there is no block
I wanna remember but everything is on pause
I try to come back but my mind has no response

Eyes wide open,
My eyes never tire out.
It suddenly startles me,
when the light goes down.
Unable to shut my eyes,
Unable to fall asleep.
Unable to finally wear off,
Unable to be in peace.
Im just in disturbia when the night approaches;
Insomnia when I try to sleep.
Silence is getting noisy;
The darkness is what scares me.
My nightmares haunt me all night;
My body just jerks with fear.
My nerves are just shot;
Everything is just so unclear.
Im just so overtired;
That I dont even feel exhausted.
Im just so out of it;
My sleep habits are forever melted.
Im so woken up from the darkness;
& so restless from being up.
Im so sick & tired of trying to overcome my fears;
I just feel so locked up.
& everytime I try to close my eyes;
My body jerks reminding me not to pass out;
& every night Im losing sleep;
But I can never turn the lights out.
& its just insomnia keeping my eyes busy on a lookout;
& its just all in my head;
But Ill never get over the fear;
No matter how much I shout.
So Im awake when my alarm starts;
Im awake all night long.
To suffer with patience for the day to come;
Because when I try to fight my fear,
Im just not that strong.

Sometimes a cut hurts your body more than a bruise; it actually brings on that past we werent allowed to choose
Sometimes the past hurts your body more than physical pain; it actually brings on that migraine that wont go away
Sometimes a migraine hurts your body more than a pain in your gut; it actually brings on that blood from a cut
A cut is deeper than how it starts;
Its the past, the present, and turns into a scar

With your every strength, you made me weak
The kinda weakness i wanted in the sheets
I felt you before you actually touched me
I wanted you before you actually grabbed me
Your eyes pierced me, so i went blind
The kinda blind that shut my mind,
It was replaced what i saw in our world
Your mouth bit me, so i went numb
The kinda numb that stopped all my pain, but i regained wanted pain from you and that made me go insane
My buttons became loose
My pants became unzipped
I couldnt move, until you had me stripped
I lost all my weakness as soon as you kissed me
I lost all my strength the minute you ******
me

My anger is rising to the point where i cant breathe
My heart is just pounding hard as i try to escape from myself
The fears and nightmares are what i hate
The tears are running down my face
I wanna run but i know i cant hide
Regrets of shame
Regrets of mistakes
I tried to undo the knots in my own string
I tried to erase what was written out of my mouth
My string was cut
And then i fell overboard
I couldnt erase what i already said
It was permanent
Like a black market that cant disappear
I look at whats inside and try to break what i want to make it go away
Nothing moves
Nothing heals
Nothing changes
Nothing disappears
My forces pulled me to react with no reason
My screams left my throat dry
My strength left my hands weak
The nerves in my body; trembling as i shake
I punched through a wall that i have created
I swam through the puddles that my tears left behind
And now at the end of the tunnel what have I accomplished?
Fighting but i lost
Hiding but im found
Running but im caught
I lost but then i won
And then i regret fighting
I was found but then i found another hiding spot; and then i stayed in the darkness
I regret closing my eyes
I was caught but then i ran faster
I regret going down the wrong path
I felt controlled
I was out of control
I couldnt speak without screaming
I couldnt see without crying
I couldnt breathe without hyperventilating
I couldnt hear without the noises
I screamed
I cried
I hyperventilated
I heard noises
And i couldnt control my actions

I just feel like my mind was shut down,
Heart was stopped,
Breathing has slowed down,
Muscles have gone relaxed,
& my body has just weakened all together.
The tears from my eyes,
Break the happiness within me;
When suddenly I just fall to the ground with anxiety.
My breathing is at the speed of my heart,
Witch is going too fast.
My strength leaves me,
& I dont know what to do.
Laying on the floor helpless;
Noone can hear my cries.
Laying on the floor bleeding inside and out;
Noone notices in my head Im about to die.
& when I try to walk,
My legs suddenly fail on me.
& when I try to crawl,
My arms wont give me any power.
Im on my stomach with my face to the floor.
Im screaming,
Im yelling,
Im crying out loud.
The mirror is my only witness;
& my soul is the only one that feels my pain.
My spirits try to take away all evil Im trying to let go of.
& I continue to lay;
Hoping My body breaks the silence,
As it regains its strength once again.
It was a sudden move.
When I get striked once,
It feels like im being striked a thousand times.
& its when you cant handle everything all at once.
Like a surprise;
You just shock yourself.
& I shock myself nonstop.

I wasnt hungry but i starved
I wasnt thirsty but i was dehydrated
I wasnt cold but i was frozen
I wasnt hot but i burned up
I wasnt talking but i screamed
I wasnt listening but i heard
I wasnt seeing but i noticed
I wasnt moving but i was fighting myself
I wasnt breathing but i hyperventilated
I wasnt eating so i swallowed my fears
I wasnt drinking so i drank all the poison
I wasnt keeping warm so i fell in the fire
I wasnt cooling down so i broke the ice on my body
I wast keeping quiet so i zipped my mouth shut
I wasnt plugging my ears so i went deaf
I wasnt turning away so i went blind
I wasnt backing down so i bled myself to sleep
I wast controlling my breathing so i started to confuse it all
Over and over again..

The hands on the clock are in control
The type of control that can last for hours
Every second counts
Every minute is never wasted
And every hour theres alot to do
Every second is when I lose track of the kisses, thats being placed on me
Every minute is when Im impatient to have my soul stripped from being naked
Every hour I want more
I gather my thoughts just like you gather yours
The numbers that mean the hours,
are things we plan behind closed doors
The hands to the clock is your arms that hold me down
The clock is my body, controlled by your hands
I dont wanna stop the time

Putting my brain to work,
I think it all out.
This mood has been going on for such a long time.
So much anxiety all at once.
So much anger all at once.
Slowly,
I just want to get all this buildup out,
Thats stuck inside of me.
I need to be free.
The sounds of music,
The sad songs are played.
Its minor,
To loosen everything up.
The silence within me;
My mind throws everything in my face,
So I can be reminded of all the pain.
The clear glass of alcohol,
I drink it all away.
The sharp razor of the knife,
I bleed it all away.
My eyes meet the photos of the past;
I continue to stare deep inside the portraits of happiness.
The mirror pulls me to have a conversation.
Im hypnotized without a sound to have eye contact,
With the stranger on the wall.
My mind;
I have no control.
My body;
Im being forced.
My soul;
I make myself invisible.
Trapped;
My mind is forcing me to put my life on hold.
Trapped;
My body takes the beatings.
Trapped;
My soul disappears from it all.
All at once,
Im trapped.
My tears break the silence.

I was blind,
And it showed me the dark
I was deaf,
And it made me hear all the lies
I couldnt breathe,
And it made me hyperventilate
I couldnt speak,
And it made me scream with fear
I couldnt move,
But it made me fall
I couldnt feel,
But it made me feel pain
I couldnt face with myself,
But it made me answer to my enemy
When i saw the dark,
It made me change
When i heard all the lies,
It made me believe
When I hyperventilated,
It made me lose control
When i screamed,
It made me go crazy
When i fell,
It made me trap myself
When i felt the pain,
It made me hurt myself more
When i answered to my enemy,
I forgot who i was
When i trapped myself,
It broke the lock
When i hurt myself,
It gave me more weapons
When i forgot who i was,
It brainwashed me completely
When the lock was broken,
It made sure i was stuck forever
When i had more weapons,
I was always bleeding the problems away
When i was brainwashed,
I was no longer in control
When i was stuck
When i was bleeding
When i wasnt in control
When i went down the wrong path
Im ruined forever
Unsaved;
And now i suffer

Away forever
Forever a disappearance
Im still looking for you
Are you hiding
Im still running for you
Is it hide and seek
Trying to unto the pain of sorrow
I dont think im ever going to accept what shouldnt have happened
It doesnt feel real
I wish it wasnt real
Are you still here?
Im vulnerable;
My mind is telling me your still here
Like you were here yesterday, today, and will be tomorrow;
Im only lying to myself
But thats what it feels like
Looking at a picture,
With your face thats inside.
I feel like im face to face with you
Just talking like it was before
I reach out and touch you
I reach out and kiss you
I reach out and hug you
But the paper is gently put back
And then you stare with the eyes you once had
The family you once had
Were here but your there
If i cut you out of the frame,
Will you come back
I thought God was powerful
But he doesnt use me
Your alive
Only in my heart
Only in my dreams
I wanna close my eyes forever

They say to fight until you win
But i have been losing each time
I want the negativity to end the darkness that comes from within
I dont know how to go through the darkness if i cant see the light
I never believed there was a light at every tunnel
It kept going with no opening
So i never found my way out; im still struggling
I felt heavy with broken thoughts
I wanted to be found because i was lost
I was patient;
So very patient
I was generous;
So very generous
I was quiet;
So very quiet
I was naive;
Im still so naive
I was calm until i turned angry;
And i wanted everything to just leave me
I was happy until it turned into depression;
I drowned everyday in my tears
I was talkative until i turned silent;
I was just too scared to speak
I was strong until i turned weak;
I was used to the point where i could no longer defend myself
I gave up when i couldnt reach
I tried to grab every chance to explain what is going wrong
But then i failed
Each time i fell to the floor, i couldnt gain the strength to get up again
I put too much trust inside something that was waiting to break
Then the floor had shattered pieces
And the time ran out on me
How do i fix this mess?
How do i pick it all up?
The pieces are cutting me
Im bleeding; i cannot remove the scars that were left behind
Each picture had a tear
Each tear had a memory
Each memory had a movie
Each movie played inside my head
My head had a weak mind
The mind of a broken child
I felt small, i felt weak, i felt naive
And i couldnt sleep
I felt like i couldnt breathe
I felt like i couldnt see
I felt like i couldnt hear
I felt like I couldnt speak
I lay here in the same spot
The thoughts keep running around inside my head
My mind stopped me from rewinding and fix the mistakes that I should have learned from
My regrets have knocked me down
And i have broken all my bones
My silence made me slip away
I was ignored and trapped inside the darkness
I suffocated while I hyperventilated
I couldnt breathe no more
I cried until i drowned
I disappeared under the puddles on the floor
I tried to escape through my scars, my cuts, and bruises
But i only made it worse by bleeding out the pain, the memories and excuses
I did too much
I said too much
I worked too much
Now the pain is too much
I cried too much
I hurt too much
I bled too much
Now the weakness is too much
I fought too much
I lost too much
I fell too much
Now the bruises are too much
The anxiety is too much
The tears are too much
The struggle is too much
Now this is enough