The weight is heavy against my body
I can feel my chest being pushed in
Its tight inside this little space
I cannot move; i can barely breathe
There was a cage that grew over me;
Locking me in
And hiding me
I wanted to escape but i couldnt find the key
I was trapped and i was lost
I tried pushing my way through but nothing moved
I just had no strength to move my own fears
Invisible pins pierced through my clothes
And then the wall waited for my body; i was pushed but i didnt fall
Instead i was held up with the strong forces, then i felt like i was being strangled
I had no way of breaking through
My strength broke when i tried to escape
There was nowhere to go
So i stood there feeling helpless
I breathed so deeply hoping my lungs would open wider
Instead i felt them being crushed
And then my heart was squeezed until i fell to the floor
I was feeling weak
No more wall was behind me
Instead i was pushed to the floor
Broken,
Shattered,
Bleeding until i couldnt take no more
Felt stabbed with invisible knives
Cut right open,
And ended the fight

When its loud, it becomes silent
When theres light, it becomes dark
When its easy, it becomes hard
When its full, it becomes empty
When theres fun, the fun ends
When theres happiness, it turns into anger
When theres joy, it turns into depression
When theres dreams, they turn into nightmares
When theres confidence, fear takes over
When theres talking, silence is overwhelming
When theres appearance, it becomes ignored
When the eyes see, it becomes blurry
When the ears listen, it becomes staticky
When breathing, it becomes breathless
When the mind is in peace, it becomes dangerous
When the heart speaks, it becomes broken
As i shut myself in and lock the door
I stay to bleed all over the floor
It was silent
It was quiet
I wanted everyone out
It hurts now
Its painful
I never accepted help
It was dangerous
It was serious
I couldnt be controlled
It was stupid
It was unexplainable
I wanted to go

What happens when your strong
And you keep yourself up
But what happens when you lose control and you appear to be cut
There was a monster who scared me
I wanted to run but it caught me
There was a darkness that closed me
I wanted to hide but it found me
There was a nightmare that terrified me
I wanted to wake up but my eyes wouldnt listen to me
There was a game that liked me
I didnt want to play but it forced me
There was anxiety that entered my body
I wanted to breathe but it choked me
There was depression that tricked me
I wanted to be happy but the sadness surrounded me
There was anger that covered me
I wanted to be calm but it tackled me
The monster was a tool that was used to fight me;
My innocence,
Taken
My mind turned against me
There was a tool that was used as a weapon
That took all my strengths;
And my happiness was forgotten
There was a weapon and i call it my mind
I tried to cut the illness
But instead i cut myself deep inside

No space to move.
No room to breathe.
Im held inside myself;
Im locked up inside myself;
& my mind controls me.
Its like my blood is turning into soil.
Its like my bones are rotting.
& my body is slowly getting weak.
& my body is slowly losing its strength.
& my body is slowly losing control of the mind.
Disconnected;
My mind is slowly failing.
Its hard to breathe;
Because everything is caving in on me.
I wish there was another door to go through,
Because Ive been locked inside through the other end.
So claustrophobic;
No air can enter through me.
& when it does passes;
It just blows me down to the ground.
Im not seen.
Im not mentally alert.
Im so lost inside myself.
Im so dead inside myself.
See me as I am.
I am what you see.
But inside Im so invisible.
My mind is so mental.
My strength has turned to weakness.
& inside Im so closed in.
Its like my body is the coffin;
That gained solid to trap me up inside.
& I cannot breathe;
Because there is no air.
& I cannot see;
Because there is no opening to see.
& I cannot move;
Because my body & mind is locking up my spirit inside.
Im lost.
Im hidden.
Im buried inside my body.
& Ive pushed myself way too deep;
So deep,
I cannot get out.

I tried to breathe when his teeth released its pressure on my neck
His lips left a mark that gave me a teasing ******
before his head moved below my waist
His tongue finally took control while his hands controlled my body
I locked him in between
Then my legs started to become weak
I lost control once I felt that wet vibration inside of me
His fingers; digging
inside my tunnel, made my lungs work hard for oxygen
I saw my legs shake, but felt a feeling inside my body
I felt my legs shake, then I saw the feeling get stronger
Grasped everything I could reach, but I couldn’t hold on
I felt weakness while I trembled against his mouth

His face finally switched places with his hips
I was filled with a thicker weapon
The one that pushed up in my ribs
My neck was being abused;
getting marked up while I was hyperventilating
Losing air from everything, I couldn’t control how my body was reacting
He played the boss all night with all of his moves
And just as I thought all the positions were accomplished,
You showed me how I couldn’t handle the beating from your pelvis
You made a ponytail in my hair; the hair-tie was your hand
I was pulled back from a different position then I couldn’t move
My head was throbbing, but so was my
body
It was beautiful pain so I wanted more
Your love for my flexibility forced my legs onto your shoulders
Every minute was a different feeling
Every hour was a different position
There was nothing left for me to grab onto except your body
So i dug my nails in your skin,
scratching marks on your back on every spot you hit;
while your love bites left marks on my body

It was so noisy; felt like the bed was going to break
Uncontrollable sounds that I made
You were in charge of how I moved;
those ******* moments had my whole body in a quake
We were drenched; our bodies and the sheets
That big O you gave me, left me losing my voice from my screams

Attitude; is it just the teenage spirit
Yelling for nothing
Rude amongst the world
Mood swings; is this normal
The thoughts that run
The thoughts that walk
The thoughts that jump
My stomach is in knots from the switching
What emotion do i hold inside?
Insomnia; why is the bed pushing me away
Awake for days
What is sleep?
Hallucinations
Am i actually seeing things
Am i actually hearing things
My mind is playing games and tricking me
Anxiety; why cant i breathe
These anxiety attacks are beating me up
My heart is racing and its leading to...
Hyperventilation
The nerves put pressure on me
Im chocking;
Unbreathing;
And now its leading to...
Dizziness
I know im going to fall
Anger; my vocal cords are being scraped
Things thrown
The pulling of my hair
The slamming of my door
Yelling for nothing
Yelling so quickly
This will never stop
Depression; the sadness isnt leaving my body
Didnt want to leave the house
I wanted to drown in my tears
Turning away from everyone
Not wanting to talk to anyone
And the phone calls that i ignored
Made friends come save me from my jail
Everyday i drowned in my tears
Self-mutilation; the knife became my new best friend
I opened my own cuts
And forced the red liquid out of my body
My skin was so torn apart
But i wanted to bleed until i felt dizzy,
Until i hyperventilated
Until i felt so relaxed
It was my only escape
Promiscuous;
Left my friends for strangers
Everyday it was someone new
There was no caring
Not for them, and not for myself
Relationships were too challenging for me
I needed to relieve the stress
Road rage; i almost died
Driving away from it all
I needed to be free
Trapped once again,
My bones got damaged
Another story to tell
Now this is me: scarred for life
Physically, and mentally
Low self-esteem
Ugliness
Fat
Stupid
Just not worth anything
Impaired memory;
Memory loss stole all my strength
Everything i knew, i forgot
Everyone i knew, i forgot
Everything i owned, I misplaced
Im too young to forget
Shopping sprees;
Spending to have excitement
But then later my moods go back to normal
Alcoholic; drinking to create happiness
On the driveway
In my room
The love for intoxication was so normal to me
Denial; i was ok
I thought i was ok
I actually wasnt ok
Medication; my decision was finally positive
No going back,
No more killing my spirit
This is for life, but im finally alive
Medicated, but finally strong
Depression faded to happiness
Anger faded to excitement
Insomnia faded to sleeping patterns
Self-mutilation faded into throwing away all the weapons
Promiscuous faded into a relationship
Intoxication faded into being sober
Finally strong but controlled for life

I appear in tears.
Tears that wash my pieces away.
All I can see,
& all I can feel;
Is my body splitting.
The pieces on the floor.
I have been cut so many times,
& finally,
I am now chopped up.
So instead of a little blood;
I appear to have a river of blood.
That flows constantly on the floor.
& comes from my bleeding heart.
My head has been ******* with.
My heart has been played with.
& my body has been abused.
The killer is my own self.
Because I was so strong.
My weaknesses got to me.
& so I have lost all strength.
I just feel like a porcelain doll;
Controlled while held;
& suddenly shattered to pieces.
The owner is once again;
My own self.
Clumsy with my body;
I let myself slip & fall.
My mind has controlled my strength,
& brought it down to weakness.
Each part of my body suddenly weakened & gave up.
I cannot see anymore,
Because my eyes have lost vision.
I cannot breathe anymore,
Because my nose blocks the air.
I cannot speak anymore,
Because my mouth closed on me.
I cannot hear anymore,
Because my eardrums stopped working.
I cannot feel anymore,
Because I have gone numb.
I cannot walk anymore,
Because my legs have given up on me.
My body has just stopped working.
& Ive stopped caring for myself.
I let myself go;
& Im now in pieces;
Because I let everything break me.
& Im to the point where I wanna completely disappear..

There was an ocean with hidden secrets; hidden spells,
Hidden danger;
Created with great strength from her tentacles
A human octopus with an evil face,
They called her the Sea Witch
Her ugliness craved the beauty of a mermaid with a naive heart
So the human with fins had fire hair which was red
Crystal eyes, which was blue
Soft skin, which was fair
But jewelled lips, which was ruby
A witch craved what she was never allowed to have
But a witch manipulates when she knows noone can fight back
Under the sea, inside a cave, Under the darkness is where she stayed
She got her attention;
Her voice left her body forcefully
Inside a shell it was kept protected
The treasure was a mouth from the voice of a royal fish
The one that was forbidden; but was stolen for evil’s benefit
She forced her to sing, for her to have legs
That voice went inside a shell; and on a necklace to be worn the next day
Then for a disguise, she was transformed herself into a beautiful girl
The voice she saved had been passed off as her own, making a princess mute;
A witch’s plan had been created

I learned how to cry by speaking to a mirror
I learned how to drown from depression, and all of my tears
I learned that my nightmares will always be my fears
I learned that anxiety will stay with me for years
I learned from myself; from my mind,  that the darkest room is deep down inside
My mind convinced me; and told me to let go
But my heart had the final decision to say no
The convincer’s job is to steal weakness,
But the decision maker’s job is to be the strongest

There is an invisible light thats blinding me
I want to shut it off but it wont let me
I wanna close the door and forget whats behind me
I wanna lay the past to rest
There is a reflection that shines on me
The mirrors around me wont shatter
I keep seeing a shadow that follows me
The lost soul of my spirit's nest
I breathe in anxiety
I breathe out hyperventilation
I gasp for air as my heart pounds faster
My lungs had finally collapsed
I feel numb & pain at the same time
I feel dizzy & stability working together
I feel heart failure & heart success
I feel my life had been put to the test
I see the mistakes
I see the disappointments
I see the sadness
I see the anger
I wanted correction
I wanted satisfaction
I wanted happiness
I wanted pleasure
I cried
I screamed
I hurt myself
I found escapes
I finally was calm
I finally was quiet
I finally was relaxed
But i was in danger from all the pain
I wanna forget
I wanna redo
I wanna erase
I wanna wipe away that life
The nightmares & fears
The pain & the tears
The aggression & abuse
The starvation of wanting to fight

You saw the impatience of my body,
waiting for you to make your move
I saw your hands ready to rip me out of my clothes; and cover me with your skin

You finally appeared on my neck, suffocating me while my skin was in between your teeth
I saw my breath leave my body, then felt my scream squeeze through my lungs
It was only the beginning, and you already left me marked up
I saw your tongue act like a magnet; stuck to my skin
Dragging yourself lower,
You found your way below my waist
Your hands became handcuffs; ready to see me squirm

My lower lips were burning from all that pleasure your mouth gave
and your tongue vibrated more heat inside my body
Your fingers thrusting hard, you wanted to see how hot i was inside
I couldn’t wait anymore
I wanted your other thermometer to come in and hide
I felt the burning on my skin and in my body
You left me to grab a remedy to beat the heat
Then suddenly I felt a cold sensation
You shocked my body with a piece of ice
You wanted me to go insane;
I wanted more of your pleasure you bring
I couldn’t handle the thrill
My legs kept shaking; you couldn’t keep me still
You melted the ice all over me
I was drenched with your saliva & ice
I continued to scream
The blood flow turned my face a different colour
while you felt that fire inside of me
I finally strapped you down to my body with my legs wrapped around you
making sure you fix every leak inside me
Until I pour

My heart kept racing
My fast breathing dried my throat, tongue and mouth as I felt a sensation take over my body
I began to shake, holding onto your skin with my nails
I gripped your body, pulling you closer to make sure you don’t stop
I love having my lower lips choke you, as you give me that big release

We can only pretend
We can only remember
We can never forget
All thats left is pictures
And its the only image of you i can see
All thats left is a movie & tapes
And its the only voice of you i can hear
All thats left are treasures
And i hold them close to me
All thats left is gifts
And i will never give away
All thats left is your table
And its where you are alive to me
All thats left is tears
And that will never stop
All thats left is memories
And memories never fade
All thats left is my voice
Because i know i cant hear you speak
All thats left is my eyes
Because i know i cant look at you see
All thats left is my ears
Because i know i cant see you listening
All thats left is the mind
And i will never stop thinking of you
All thats left is a mirror
And i see you when i stare inside
All thats left is the sky
And its the only closest way to heaven
All thats left is flowers & small things
And its the only gift i can give
All thats left is a tombstone
And its the only closeness i will ever be to you
All thats left is goodbyes
And then it starts all over again
But it always will end with tears so all thats left is memories
And it never escapes my mind

My lock was finally unlocked
My door was finally open
My walls were finally knocked down
My floor was finally broken apart
My room was finally torn
That lock to my door opened a room full of walls
that you stepped into while exploring what you can do
You unlocked my clothes
You opened my legs
You ruptured my ******
You damaged my pelvic floor
My body was a room
that was kept tidy for a strong one
Those weak ones couldn’t even mess up my hair
Then finally those ****** dreams turned into reality
when you placed those kisses on both of my lips
I wanted my body weak; not being able to handle you
That floor that held my pelvis,
couldn’t hold the ****** any longer

This is where i got struck
Through my body i pierced myself with negativity
This is where i lay
Unable to get up;
Unable to find the strength
This is where i lost my mind;
It was just so easy to turn the other side
This is where i always cried;
Tragic losses and my place to run & hide
This is where i lost my breath;
Trapped within the hypertension anxiety
This is where i dreamt the nightmares;
Choking in the night and the fear i wish left behind
This is where i became frozen
The past moved closer to me and caused my mind to be still
This is where my mistakes were made
I moved before i thought and then in the end i felt the pain
This is where i hurt
Dangerous actions when i taught myself how to bleed the right way
This is where i was intoxicated
Erasing my memories;
And the past that haunts me
This is where i gave up
I lost it all;
Until i began again
This is where i stand
Im finally up but the pieces still remain

I wanna be glued to the ground,
So I never get up.
I wanna be covered up,
So noone would find me.
I see a beautiful family.
I see a beautiful life.
I just want my eyes to be glued together.
I just want my brain to be focused on the positivity.
I just want my heart to be happy.
I just want my tears to stay inside my body.
I wanna stay in the bed and just breathe slowly.
I wanna shut my mouth and just allow my dreams to talk for me.
I just wanna break the silence thats coming outside of my room.
I just wanna build a wall in front of all my fears;
& all my worry.
I just wanna restart my life;
& end it with hurtless things.
I wanna just ignore the real world around me;
& focus on the fake world within me.
I dont wanna ever open my eyes.
Or else things will go back to being abnormal.
& I just wanna stop seeing the truth.
& just focus on my dreams.
So if i could just keep my eyes closed forever,
I can live happy again.

His lips trap me from speaking, but he allows me to scream
As our tongues make conversation, my hair is automatically locked inside his fist
Then he showers me with his tongue until I beg him to enter
I feel my heart beating hard inside my throat as I try to catch every
breath of the pleasure that I take
Im being moved into different positions every minute
Im being detained after every pleasure
My ears are popped from the ******* of his mouth to my neck
My body is cracking from the way he positions my back
Handcuffs were a bit different this time; they were replaced with his hands
I couldn’t move, but he moved me
I couldn’t breathe, but he made me gasp for air
Those ****** noises turned a quiet house loud
I broke free of my silence, then made him deaf from my screams he brings on
Its so intense I need him to stop
The cramping in my ovaries
and the poking of my ribs
its pleasure & pain when he forcefully gives in
He still has a grip; not only on my hips, but my whole body
He holds me tight, making sure our skin stays attached
My walls inside are scratched and bleeding with pleasure  
My ****** is bruised and scarred with ******
I gave up on trying to catch my breath
I only wanted to suffocate sexually even more
Those bedsheets make it even harder to breathe under while he’s taking control

I had a sweet tooth for awhile;
A crave that wouldn’t leave
I was impatiently waiting to undress a wrapper
that was made from material,
a straw made from skin,
and a bottle made from a body
My sweet tooth turned into thirst
Thirst for that sugary drink that waits for its release
The darkness locked the door
Appearing naked; to throw my knees to the floor
His hands were my hair-tie;
And made sure his eyes weren’t blind
He viewed me close like a movie
Parted were my lips;
I started giving him that upside down kiss
The floor of my mouth was walked on
My tongue detached from me
My lips became numb
My tonsils got inflamed
My throat became scratched
I swallowed, but it wasn’t food

A kiss can turn into something dangerous if its in the dark
A tongue is like an instructor, showing me how I need to start
You tear off my clothes, then grasp my hips
I rip off your shirt, then I made your jeans up-zip
Your lips met my body, marking up my skin
Your tongue showered me, then found its way in
Losing grip in my hands, but my legs choked you
I felt weak when I couldn’t stop you
The intensity made me squirm; I couldn’t breathe
Finally I felt your whole body on top of me
I was strapped to the bed, waiting for that
moment where I cant hold on
That moment you constantly use your lips, body, & tongue
You showed me something new in the mirror
You made me focus when you whispered your plan in my ear
When you start, I tell you not to stop
I knew how to yell, but you make me scream when you hit the spot
You made me feel that pleasure, and rolled my eyes back
Felt myself drowsy, dizzy, and relaxed

I kept myself in the darkness when i was scared
I wanted it to be darker so i couldnt see
If i opened my eyes in the light i saw every single wrong,
And every single mistake

I cant turn the time backwards but i can turn my back
I cant close the doors but i can close my eyes
I cant run away but i can chase my fears
I cant fight but i can harm
I cant erase but i can disappear

I cant forget but i try to ignore
I cant dream but i try to deal with the nightmares
I cant stop the pain but i try to heal
I cant stop hyperventilating but i try to breathe
I cant stop the anger but i try to lower my heart rate
I cant stop crying but i try to wipe away my tears

I tried to then everything around but in the end i actually turned it upside down
Even though i found different ways of coping, it never mattered anymore.
It was all darkness with a little nightlight on; and i was barely seeing

My chest is so heavy, and i feel like my heart is going to fall
My skin is cold, numb; and i feel nothing at all
And then i feel a puddle; its my tears
that i had made myself sink
Im gasping for air, and i feel nothing except water that keeps pushing me in
I feel like im being dragged to the floor
Like a chain attached to my heart and i can no longer unlock the door
My eyes are closing, they are burning inside
The portraits of pain has made me gone blind
Im so weak within my body;
I fell; noone to catch me
I lay here on the floor and i scream for help so suddenly
Alone; noone around
Noone is near, noone hears my loud mouth
My heart dropped its beat on the ground
Now i cannot hear; im deaf from the loud sound
Like a speaker that blew;
I exploded, and my heart did too
It happened; i broke,
I shattered, my heart spoke
I bled, im on the ground
Im done, no more being dragged down

I feel that I need to ask to live my life
I feel that I need to ask to do what I want
I feel that I need to ask to go where I want
I feel that I need to ask to be the person I want to be
I feel that I need to ask for my own space
I feel that I need to ask for forgiveness; even though I've done nothing wrong
I feel that I need to ask to speak
I feel that I need to ask to see
I feel that I need to ask questions
I feel that I need to obey all the rules
I feel that I need to be fake to certain people
I feel that Im being watched
I feel that Im being spied on
I feel that Im being threatened
I feel that Im being judged
I feel that Im being yelled at too many times
I feel that Im a prisoner
I feel that Im a puppet on strings
I feel that Im a dog on a tight, strict leash
I feel that Im a butterfly without her wings
I feel that Im a monkey in a cage; waiting to be unleashed
i feel the need to tell people off
I feel the need to get revenge
I feel the need to defend myself
I feel the need to yell back
I feel the need to confront certain people
I feel the need to hospitalize myself...
Because I dont think Im allowed to breathe

Never thought I would receive such heart-breaking news
That I was unable to choose
That you couldnt be rescued
Never thought your heart would grow weak
That you would forever sleep
That you and God would meet
Never thought my heart would break
That I knew this was all a big mistake
That God had to take
Never thought the day would go by
That you would fly
That I would cry
Never thought that I would lose
That the devil was accused
That my heart is now bruised
Never thought that I would feel this pain
That I became insane
But heaven has gained...
An angel
Mother Queen of Angels
My beautiful angel
Your daughter cries on...

I can tell you to kiss me,
But your in control of how long
I can tell you to strip me,
But your in control of the amount of clothes to take off
I can tell you to grab me,
But your in control of where to start
I can tell you to throw me,
But your in control of how far
I can tell you to hold me down
But your in control of how tight
I can tell you to mark me,
But your in control of how many hickeys
I can tell you to pull my hair,
But your in control of how hard
I can tell you to **** me,
But your in control of how rough

One second of pressure
One second of force
One second of amusement
One second of fakeness
I laugh to hide the pain
I laugh to hold the tears back
Its only when someone tells me
Its only when someone cracks a joke
Its only when someone comments
That one moment doesnt leave me excited
That one moment doesnt leave me forgetting
That one moment doesnt leave me with happiness
Throughout the day.
Its only when I find something small to laugh about
Its only when I laugh for no reason
Its only to cover everything else up
I cannot stay like that forever
I cannot turn a frown upside down for hours.
My mind wont let me
I dont wanan fake it anymore
I dont wanna find excuses anymore
I just dont wanna laugh about the stupid little things only;
Because the big things is whats important;
& Im not eve laughing;
When everyone else is.
The pain hurts so much,
That I cannot stop laughing.
& when that second is gone,
Im back to crying.

So tired of remembering
So tired of trying to think
So tired of knowing the truth
So tired of feeling sick
I can hardly speak,
If im mumbling
I can hardly breathe,
If im hyperventilating
I can hardly hear,
If there is static
I can hardly see,
If its blurry
I cant talk,
But i scream
I cant breathe,
But i get anxious
I cant hear,
But i hear the truth
I cant see,
But i see only myself
My moods
My fears
My actions
My words
My nightmares
My thoughts
My mind is never heard
Im violent
Im hurting
Im out of control
Im in danger
Im drowning
Im losing my soul
Noone liked me
My attitude ******
Noone understood me
My moods were ****** up
Everyone tried
I pushed them away
Everyone was scared
But they forced themselves to stay
I fought myself and i lost
I tried to swim in my tears and i drowned
I tried to put together my broken pieces but i lost them
I tried to be friends with myself and i gave up
I couldnt undo myself
I couldnt accept myself
I couldnt look at myself
I couldnt control myself
Until i injected myself
Until i repaired myself
Until i fixed myself
Until i finally helped myself
It helps to speak
It helps to breathe
It helps to hear
It helps to see
It helps to be calm
It helps to be alert
It helps to be clear
It helps to be understood
Im forced to be stable towards myself
Im medicated

There were many times I loved my fears more than feeling safe
There were many times I never showed love, only hate
There were many times I worshipped my nightmares over my dreams
There were many times I chose insomnia instead to sleep
There were many times I put aside my happiness only to be angry
There were many times I put myself in danger to please my anxiety
There were many times I needed that alcohol; bring drunk over sober
There were many times I left home to reveal all kinds of exposure
There were many times I chose the knife over my friends
There were many times I wanted to call it quits, before starting the meds

Painted with a smile;
My frown is whats permanent.
Painted with strength;
My weakness is whats permanent.
Painted with happiness;
My depression is whats permanent.
Painted with beauty;
My ugliness is whats permanent.
Painted with sober;
Drunkenness is whats permanent.
Painted with stability;
My dizziness is whats permanent.
Painted with relaxation;
Nervousness is whats permanent.
Painted with ease;
Stress & anxiety is whats permanent.
Painted with a map in my hands;
Confusion is whats permanent.
Painted myself all over again;
But how I look,
How I act,
How I express myself;
Is whats permanent.

It wants to move
But the mind wants it to freeze
It wants to talk
But the mind wants to be mute
It wants to hear
But the mind wants to ignore
It wants to see
But the mind wants to be blind
It wants happiness
But the mind wants depression
It wants to escape
But the mind makes it a prisoner
It wants to run
But the mind wants to make it stop
It wants strength
But the mind creates weakness
It wants change
But the mind wants to stay the same
It wants freedom
But the mind wont let it escape
It wants to yell for help
But the mind blocks the sound
It wants to reach out
But the mind creates a cage
It wants to open the door
But the mind puts on a lock
It wants to forget
But the mind brings back torture
It wants to remember
But the mind erases the positive
It wants to close the wounds
But the mind forces them to stay open
I want it all to stop once and for all
But my mind is not letting go
I want peace
But the mind wants me fight
And so i continue the fight
Because I havent won yet

I felt a cold sensation on my neck that travelled to my stomach
From your hands to your mouth, it travelled below my waist
My lungs breathed cold air from the ice that you controlled
I shivered sexually on the bed naked as you continued to melt the ice cubes on my body
I needed a warm sensation to heat my body
I needed your body to cover me
With your lips, you warmed my frostbites
With your hands, you held my wrists tight
With your tongue, you caught every cold drip
With your hands, my hips quenched your grip
My body is cold & wet
My clothes have disappeared and are drenched
You melted a solid down my body
You wanted to see me go crazy

My lipstick disappeared and rubbed on his lips
while his hands invited themselves underneath my clothes
I felt the pinches made from his mouth
He left his marks all over my neck
I bled inside, and it showed on my skin
He grabbed those bright furry bracelets, then placed them on me
Tighten them on my wrists, then climbed on top of my body
I felt a strong pull below my waist
There was only visible piece of cloth that stayed
The sparkly red string put me in danger
He used all his strength so that I screamed louder
My coloured nails dug into his back
The marks that matched my neck,
the cuffs,
the string,
and my nails got intense
once we both couldn’t take no more

I forced the tears out to be spoiled
A little girl everyone was used to
It was only a fuss
It was only water with salt
And then i brought on a thousand headaches
Whining
Screaming
Yelling
I knew how to make mom and dad crazy
I didnt know;
I just knew how to get my way
Older;
A little distant now
The tears were made out of selfishness
Things became thrown
Doors were slamming
My way, or no way;
I knew how to yell
I knew how to scream
I knew how to silence everyone until i came home
The tears came out for nothing
A little weaker now
My eyes;
Wide open
I introduced a weapon
Now i learned how to really cry for something
Broken thoughts became tinier
And then the cuts turned into scars
I needed an escape
Sorrow had replaced happiness now
Not when i was a baby
Not when i was a little girl
Memories remain
Pictures remain
And my tears drown me with pain
I felt so alone
But i loved being alone
And then suddenly i knew what alone really meant;
So then i understood what crying was really about
I broken heart,
A broken soul
A dead heart,
A dead soul
A goodbye forever
A hello to my fears
As i wake from my nightmares,
I cannot see
My eyes are shut tight
And then i became scared to open up to see
I couldnt breathe
Drenched with sweat, i was going crazy
And then i felt the tears again
Now im out of control; i bleed
The harm i force on myself,
I just want myself to leave
As i release such hateful tears,
The mirror i stare into shatters my body and makes me broken
I learned how to bleed;
I learned another way to cry
The fears have taken over now
My mind became my enemy now
The past that was broken never got repaired
Now is when I memorized what crying is
As i close my eyes i think of what i have done, what i lost, and what i continue to do
Hyperventilation,
Anxiety,
Depression,
Moodswings,
Self-mutila­tion
The tears from my childhood didnt make me understand;
It made be spoiled and silenced
Now i understand,
Now i learned
I learned how to cry the hard way
For pain
For loss
For scars
For the past
For harm
For memories
For the blood i lost when i couldnt cry anymore

The words of truth make me scream until i cry
I can no longer hear anymore
I can no longer speak anymore
Now i wont use my words anymore
My body seems to be the one in charge
Im a disguised stranger;
And i look inside a broken mirror
The pieces that shattered has broken me
I fell apart and disappeared
With the blood on the floor
I slipped and lay on the ******
I created a scene so deep
Inside my mind, im weak
But the weakness strengthened me to harm..
I have been injected with strength
And then the force takes over my body
I dont wanna scream anymore
So i raise my hands at my throat
I dont wanna run away anymore
So i put my feet in front of myself for me to fall
I dont wanna feel anymore
So i numbed myself with sharp edges
I dont wanna cry anymore
So i guide my fingers to scratch my eyes
I dont wanna be hurt anymore
But i wanted to feel it all over again

So fragile
I dont want to move
Used to the point where im almost nothing
My mind is so tired
My body is so exhausted
One more step and ill fall
Im so shaky, im so dizzy
These thoughts that run through my head are adding stress
Im getting stretched
And soon im going to snap
Once im gone i wont come back
Pieces are slowly falling apart on me
Once i brake, im broken forever
No glue can make me whole again
No tape can attach what im losing in the end
Forced to undo myself, its hard to make myself stay
Weakness is stronger than strength
Im just fading away
My body is bending
My mind is twisting
My heart is stopping
Im going to stop breathing
My spirit wants to split
My soul is already ripping through my skin
My mind and body is slowly detaching themselves
And once im broken, im broken forever
Now im apart
Now im torn
Now im bleeding
Now im in separation from everything, everybody
The sharp air pierces my spirit
The sharp wind pierces my soul
The sharp negativity pierces my mind
The sharp knife pierces my skin
Now im in two pieces
One is gone forever

When the air usually passes through,
But then suddenly its hard to breathe
I feel it in my chest the pressure
I can feel my heart just pounding
The dizziness arrives
And thats when my strength fades away
I can no longer hold onto myself
Im falling as i slip away
I cannot swallow
I just wanna exhale all my fears
Theres something in my throat
The anxiety just wont go down
I keep forgetting
I keep messing up
The confusion gets the best of me
My brain is just freezing over
Like a tree with no leaves, all my pieces shook themselves and fell onto the ground
The pieces to my body broke apart from me
I felt every struggle as i try to open my lungs
As i hyperventilate i feel the suffocation choking me
I want these invisible hands to break away from my throat

The beginning of a soft kiss always turns into something more
The soft touch is deceiving;
It turns into a bite
That bite leaves you marked until his hands begin to
tickle down your body
A tickle turns into a grab
That grab hold you until he undresses you aggressively
His aggressiveness takes control with a push on the bed
His push allows you to crave
whats next,
but he makes you wait
His hands lock you tight;
That tightness made sure you didn’t move
He wanted all that energy, all that control
Then he got rough as he entered your cave
Trying to breathe, the pulling of your hair;
slightly cuts off the air and you struggle  to scream
That pulling turned to squeezing;
his hands around your neck
as he goes deeper; as he went harder
He finally hurts you internally
…That beautiful pain;
Lets do that soft kiss again

I created a dance floor that only you can step into
I created a party that is only for two people
Close that booth & enter a stage full of experiences
A stage that soon becomes our movie to be played into a reflection
I hired you as my personal dj
Cover this floor with our clothes;
there are no rules
Strip me on top of your turn table
so that my vocal chords begin to fill the room
Turn the lights off to only connect that disco ball
that shines around my wrists
Now use my body as a microphone;
place those lips all over me
The beat is hard; let’s keep playing music
Allow that smoke to flow on the windows; on the mirrors;
its our breath
Place your hands below my waist & dj me till I start to shake
This club is on all night;
I’m staying open late
Turn my body on
Turn our volume loud
Your glow stick handles the rest
So dance inside me
Your ears are the speakers; make me scream loud

Anxiety gets disguised by that hard breathing you pressure my body to do;
That ****** feeling you created in my mind;
That locked door that I opened up inside
You broke my old chains and replaced them with your own
Now the thing thats locked, wont let my body go
I lay there with marks
created with your mouth, your teeth; like permanent scars
Inside my blood boils
Inside my veins explode
Inside my bones grow brittle
Then thats when i learned to choke
I felt your hands underneath me,
Making sure you grabbed what was yours
I felt you go deeper,
Making my body pour
Now I felt that anxiety,
The one you made disappear
Its back; only stronger
But I wanted it near
My breathing didn’t worry you;
You watched me hyperventilate while you were on top,
That anxiety became louder,
It was a worry begging you not to stop

Unclothed, he throws me down
I feel a force that I just wont say no to
Then I feel a stinging on my neck,
That made me put scratches down his back
Suddenly is reach was fast as those silver rings tighten around my wrists
He made sure that he was the one in control as his lips travelled on my skin
His head kept getting lower
My heart rate only got faster
He was making me wait by teasing
The ******* of his tongue tricked me
I wanted the ******* of whats under his clothes
But I just wasn’t allowed to move
I wanted to undo his clothes like he undid mine
Why the punishment for making me wait
He wanted the screams;
Silence was full of hate
It wasnt a game anymore
He finally covered the floor with his clothes
I heard a whisper;
“The game hasn’t even started”
Then finally I felt the bed move
I felt my body indented
I felt my skin covered
I felt my blood boiling
I felt my heart rate rise
And my screams got louder
My belly button had been touched from the inside;
And I felt him digging through a cave that is secret from the world
He was all up in my ribs

I created episodes like you would see on a tv show;
but mine were real
I became crazy like you would see in a thriller movie;
but my moodswings wasnt an act
I cried like you would see a baby in tears;
But i was hurting
I screamed like you would see in a horror film;
But my fears and demons are chasing me
I was out of control like you would see in an action movie
But my actions wouldnt lie
i would be silent like you would see in a mute person;
But my voice wont allow me to speak
I wouldnt listen like you would see a deaf person;
But my ears wont allow me to hear
I couldnt look like you would see a blind person;
But my eyes wouldnt allow me to see
I couldnt breathe like you would see a heart stop;
But my lungs kept me hyperventilating with anxiety
I became distant like you would see miles away;
but i actually disappeared

Do you ever just try and give up on taking that hard,
tasteless candy that controls your mind
You want to stop just to see if you can control yourself
with nothing stabilizing your insides
But then those withdrawals of being calm;
To feel life again, & not to be numb
But then you know its fake;
The good behaviour, & no more mistakes
The anxiety; gone, the moodswings went calm
The self conscious had been forgotten about,
& no more of the addiction to self-harm
Those worries within, & those darkest fears
No more love for being alone, & no more nightmares
I saw what that tasteless candy can do
It made me change, & unlocked my room
The mind has been ruined, tortured & abused
The heart has been broken, thrown around, & used
Even though the high milligrams corrected my mind
I wasn’t the one who actually changed myself inside

I was burnt with no scars
Inside I felt a craving that made my heart race
I needed oxygen from your mouth
But wanted your lips all over me
Your hands shielded my body after your tongue covered me
My heart was weak; I was breathless,
and then I couldn’t see
I saw while my eyes were shut;
Feeling your body from under the
sheet
I felt each touch, each kiss, each lick
You were my ride, while I was your siren
I screamed at every flame you inflicted on me
I got frustrated when your tongue started to leave
I waited impatiently for a naked body to show
You were the last to undress, but the first to make me moan
You controlled my volume, my liquid, and my temperature
It became hotter when it was harder
It was burning when it became faster
He felt that warmth inside me and wanted to cure what I was craving
His body was like a piece of ice; just quenching me
My heart became stable
My breathing slowed down
My body was cooler after you turned the heat down
I had a burn inside me;
Then the ice suddenly made me cold
Finally drenched;
I was put out with your wild hose

The roses revealed such a wild scent;
It made us relax,
Before we got excited.
& it was so quiet.
Our hands did all the talking in silence.
Our clothes ended up ****** our souls.
Our minds just forced our bodies on eachother.
It was just too easy to give in.
The air was like piercing thorns,
That allowed us to bleed sweat upon eachother.
The walls were yelling down to the floor.
The floor was yelling up to the bed,
To take us in.
The bed finally answered after watching our eyes,
Stare with strong excitement.
Teasing our bodies.
Teasing our minds.
The bed was calling to get blessed.
The bed had the jaws of a shark,
Waiting to pull us in.
My body was suddenly carried;
His arms were forced to touch me.
And then I was saved;
As the bed catches my body,
As Im thrown down.
I felt the air from his mouth to my ear.
His whispers were no secrets.
His responses left me no choice;
Theres no turning back.
My whispers were answering back to him;
I gave my body to him.
Ripped from our bodies,
Our clothes were tossed on the floor from eachothers hands.
Our skin was finally revealed through the air.
& it became so hot.
The walls cracked.
The floor broke.
The bed got beaten.
It must have been a sin,
Because it felt so good.
It must have been wrong,
Because we couldnt stop.
Your starvation for my body,
I fed you.
My dehydration for your body,
You quenched my thirst.
All the tension,
All the weakness,
All the strength,
All the energy,
Was released onto the bed.
& it was drenched with sweat.
& it was ***** with our bodies.
& it was beaten with our hands.
& it was completed with pleasure.
The strength within you.
Showed me what you were about.
The strength within me,
Showed you what I was about.
The energy between us,
Stripped the room with great pleasure of ****** activity.
The innocence of the bed has been finally broken with guilt.
& the sheets were brutally shattered.
It was so dark.
But so light to see what had happened.

I heard a click that was ready to collapse
He grabbed my hands and bent my body back
What I heard, turned into what I felt
His grip was tight before I yelled
That click that I heard, guided my skin to his lips
Then he brought his head & mouth to my
hips
Then he locked me; he wouldnt let me even if I could
My arms stayed above my head, and shackled to the wood
He undid the buttons, the zippers &
strings
He continued to wet my body with his lips
His hands were free, while mine were cuffed
He made sure that click was turning into something rough

I started to run away from the mind that was chasing me all these years until finally my bones gave out
I accepted alot of heartache until the colour of my heart turned black
I kept appearing into the darkness and saw that nothing else helped me but the blades of a knife; who wanted to puncture me. the replaced my tears as i closed my eyes from relaxation
I met a stranger that friended me. A stranger that would only harm me. A stranger that was using me. A stranger that was me.
I saw that my soul was being stripped; and i was already to late to save myself

My bones that held me up became brittle as i ran
The heart that was warm turned cold when my mind stole it away
The skin that covered my weaknesses became scarred as i created harm
The mind that was sane became insane when the devil wanted to play
The soul that was living happy became dead as it fell into depression

After my bones became brittle, i broke
After my heart became cold, it shattered
After my skin became scarred, i bled
After my mind became insane, it erased
After my soul became depressed, it died

Left behind
Left alone
Left to worry
Left to run
Left to hide
Left to disrespect
Left confused
Left to be abused
Left to be forgotten
Left in the darkness
Left in silence
Left in distress
Left to be trapped
Left to cry,
& drown in tears which fall from the eyes.

I start off being sober
I start off being normal
I start off being myself
I slowly drink to try and lose feeling
I slowly drink to relax
I slowly drink to change
I slowly drink to feel different
I continue to drink to slowly lose feeling
I continue to drink to slowly relax
I continue to drink to become a different person
I continue to drink to feel good
I keep drinking completely be numb
I keep drinking to completely relax
I keep drinking to be a stranger
I keep drinking to feel amazing
Im drinking to get rid of all the pain
Im drinking to change into a person who i dont know
Im drinking to change my mind
Im drinking to make mistakes
Im drinking to walk into another world
Im drinking to hope things will go back to normal
Im drinking to stop my nerves from shaking
Im drinking to take over depression
Im drinking,
To relax.
Im drinking,
To feel different.
Im drinking to do stupidity.
Im drinking,
To doze off.
Im drinking,
To forget.
To forget about all these problems.
& so Im trying to run away from them.

I felt restless, anxious, stressed, & weak
My body felt stiff & held up a guard to protect me
I always looked out for myself; from one particular enemy
I tried chasing it away, but then it returned
I had frequent visits; inside the mirror, during the day, & in my sleep
Insomnia always striked me
I wanted peace, but I always feared the darkness
The darkness inside
The darkness in my nightmares
The darkness all around
I was looking for a solution to make myself leave; to make my mind get squeezed; to make my body at ease
So then I tried to replace these hallucinations with alcohol, then I drowned
Tried to replace this depression with a razor, then I bled out
Tried to replace this anxiety by constantly staying up all night, then my body gave out
I tried to replace this mind by looking for a cure from myself,
Then when I saw that it was too late; I was already broken,
Nothing was able to save me; my last resort was the milligrams from a fake candy
It was supposed to tranquilize this mind,
Freeze this brain,
& calm these nerves
But not even a pill was strong enough to fight against my invisible twin

This day was too quick
Too quick for my tears to finish
"Lets go see your mother,"
He said to me
I wasnt stupid
Pretended i was fine, my quiet voice responded "ok"
I knew this was the last day
I knew this was the last night
My heart beating,
I was afraid.
My blood boiling,
I was nervous.
Alive, there she was
But so broken
So fragile
So fair
And then i saw her weakness
There was so little time
A blank page i had to write,
There were no words to express the feeling within me
I kissed her softly
She who was only able to see
She who had limited amounts of breathing
She who was unable to speak
My voice entered her
What do you say to a dying heart?
What do you say to a damaged soul?
What do you do when you have to ****** strength or miracle to give?
I just wanted to feel her pain
Because my pain was too little
Her suffering forced our eyes to stay open;
Wishing God would change his plan
Doctor arrived;
So what does this mean?
And then suddenly everyone but me was in another room
I just forced myself in
And the news that i got shocked me
And the news that i got tortured me
And the news that i got already killed me to be partnered with her soul
But i needed to be prepared to be strong;
Especially for my poor sisters
There was no time for tears
Time was running out
I stayed by her side
Forced to watch her suffer with pain;
It hurt so bad when she was trying to explain just one word
Breathing;
She wasnt breathing normally
I couldnt take it anymore
I knew what was going to happen
But i didnt know when
Stupid me,
I had ran out the door;
Screaming
Crying
Becoming crazy
I just wanted to be alone
Stupid me,
I missed her last goodbye
Her last breath was watched by others and not me
I missed my beautiful angel's breath leave her body
I didnt ****** stay by her side
The time should have been frozen
And i regret it all !
And then those hurtful words from nonno into the telephone;
Telling loved ones,
"Shes GONE"

Pain eventually turns into numbness
Tears eventually make a pool
Anxiety suddenly freezes your lungs
That bleeding heart finally turns heavy, then breaks into a million pieces;
So then you become so weak
Weakness over strength,
The pain was too much to handle
And so it numbs every single memory,
Every single nightmare,
Every single fear
Every single worry
Every single emotion;
Then engraves the biggest memory in the mind;
A memory that wont be forgotten
That pain that went numb, suddenly hurts all over again
It was so numb, to feel it all over again

Inside my head im flying
But i fly to an unknown place
A place to cry
A place to mourn
A place for anger
A place to be depressed
A place to be hurt
A place to forget
As i land thats when it all hits me
And i try to push it all away,
But it all seems to be coming closer then ever
I try to reason;
To make a deal
But like always, i never win
Im stuck on this island forever
All around me seems to be unfamiliar
I came to a place to lose myself forever
When the white wings were born,
It was so pure
All the negativity suddenly changed its colour
If i try to pull these things off,
Will i be different;
Will i be how i used to be
So now i tear out these wings,
As i rip open my skin
Now im bleeding,
Now im in pain
But the pain is not within my body
Its in my mind,
Its in my soul
The blood just makes me dizzy as i continue to separate myself from it all
Im in pain because i want to
Now its even more
As i tear it all off,
It grows back for more
Im so stuck
Im stuck like this forever
I thought i accomplished what i needed
I really dont know how to fix it all
Disappear, or just deal with it all
I thought i would escape, but now i made it worse
How can i fly back?
I cant.
How can i start over?
I cant.
I appeared into a world that i created
A world not normal;
To be who i want
But now i wanna go back
Now i regret it all
And as i try to fly, it hurts
As i get up it weakens me
Theres no turning back,
Because i had chosen my path
This colour wont make me change to what im begging for
All alone;
Its cold
Its dark
Its silent
How do i go back home
Right now im so lost
Because the right path has been erased