There is an invisible light thats blinding me
I want to shut it off but it wont let me
I wanna close the door and forget whats behind me
I wanna lay the past to rest
There is a reflection that shines on me
The mirrors around me wont shatter
I keep seeing a shadow that follows me
The lost soul of my spirit's nest
I breathe in anxiety
I breathe out hyperventilation
I gasp for air as my heart pounds faster
My lungs had finally collapsed
I feel numb & pain at the same time
I feel dizzy & stability working together
I feel heart failure & heart success
I feel my life had been put to the test
I see the mistakes
I see the disappointments
I see the sadness
I see the anger
I wanted correction
I wanted satisfaction
I wanted happiness
I wanted pleasure
I cried
I screamed
I hurt myself
I found escapes
I finally was calm
I finally was quiet
I finally was relaxed
But i was in danger from all the pain
I wanna forget
I wanna redo
I wanna erase
I wanna wipe away that life
The nightmares & fears
The pain & the tears
The aggression & abuse
The starvation of wanting to fight

When its loud, it becomes silent
When theres light, it becomes dark
When its easy, it becomes hard
When its full, it becomes empty
When theres fun, the fun ends
When theres happiness, it turns into anger
When theres joy, it turns into depression
When theres dreams, they turn into nightmares
When theres confidence, fear takes over
When theres talking, silence is overwhelming
When theres appearance, it becomes ignored
When the eyes see, it becomes blurry
When the ears listen, it becomes staticky
When breathing, it becomes breathless
When the mind is in peace, it becomes dangerous
When the heart speaks, it becomes broken
As i shut myself in and lock the door
I stay to bleed all over the floor
It was silent
It was quiet
I wanted everyone out
It hurts now
Its painful
I never accepted help
It was dangerous
It was serious
I couldnt be controlled
It was stupid
It was unexplainable
I wanted to go

The weight is heavy against my body
I can feel my chest being pushed in
Its tight inside this little space
I cannot move; i can barely breathe
There was a cage that grew over me;
Locking me in
And hiding me
I wanted to escape but i couldnt find the key
I was trapped and i was lost
I tried pushing my way through but nothing moved
I just had no strength to move my own fears
Invisible pins pierced through my clothes
And then the wall waited for my body; i was pushed but i didnt fall
Instead i was held up with the strong forces, then i felt like i was being strangled
I had no way of breaking through
My strength broke when i tried to escape
There was nowhere to go
So i stood there feeling helpless
I breathed so deeply hoping my lungs would open wider
Instead i felt them being crushed
And then my heart was squeezed until i fell to the floor
I was feeling weak
No more wall was behind me
Instead i was pushed to the floor
Broken,
Shattered,
Bleeding until i couldnt take no more
Felt stabbed with invisible knives
Cut right open,
And ended the fight

I kept myself in the darkness when i was scared
I wanted it to be darker so i couldnt see
If i opened my eyes in the light i saw every single wrong,
And every single mistake

I cant turn the time backwards but i can turn my back
I cant close the doors but i can close my eyes
I cant run away but i can chase my fears
I cant fight but i can harm
I cant erase but i can disappear

I cant forget but i try to ignore
I cant dream but i try to deal with the nightmares
I cant stop the pain but i try to heal
I cant stop hyperventilating but i try to breathe
I cant stop the anger but i try to lower my heart rate
I cant stop crying but i try to wipe away my tears

I tried to then everything around but in the end i actually turned it upside down
Even though i found different ways of coping, it never mattered anymore.
It was all darkness with a little nightlight on; and i was barely seeing

My chest is so heavy, and i feel like my heart is going to fall
My skin is cold, numb; and i feel nothing at all
And then i feel a puddle; its my tears
that i had made myself sink
Im gasping for air, and i feel nothing except water that keeps pushing me in
I feel like im being dragged to the floor
Like a chain attached to my heart and i can no longer unlock the door
My eyes are closing, they are burning inside
The portraits of pain has made me gone blind
Im so weak within my body;
I fell; noone to catch me
I lay here on the floor and i scream for help so suddenly
Alone; noone around
Noone is near, noone hears my loud mouth
My heart dropped its beat on the ground
Now i cannot hear; im deaf from the loud sound
Like a speaker that blew;
I exploded, and my heart did too
It happened; i broke,
I shattered, my heart spoke
I bled, im on the ground
Im done, no more being dragged down

The hot water creates a warm welcoming outside in the night
As I slip into that inappropriate swimsuit,
I already feel the seduction in your eyes
I wanted your lips to quench my thirst;
so we made out under the stars
I felt your hands wander; I began to get weak
Then I felt my breathing get heavy
Nothing for me to hold on to except your body
The waves that moved was created from our bodies
It was a shower without the shower head
Drops dripping from that hot water,
that salty sweat,
and the creamy fluids
Nothing for you to hold except my hair;
Pulling my neck back so that I see the sky  looking like a dark floor
All that steam made it more intense
It got harder to breathe, but easier to love
My breathing switched over to noises;
making it hard to hold in my screams
Immediately your hand puts pressure on my mouth
so the neighbours don’t go deaf
Our love was hotter than the water temperature

It wants to move
But the mind wants it to freeze
It wants to talk
But the mind wants to be mute
It wants to hear
But the mind wants to ignore
It wants to see
But the mind wants to be blind
It wants happiness
But the mind wants depression
It wants to escape
But the mind makes it a prisoner
It wants to run
But the mind wants to make it stop
It wants strength
But the mind creates weakness
It wants change
But the mind wants to stay the same
It wants freedom
But the mind wont let it escape
It wants to yell for help
But the mind blocks the sound
It wants to reach out
But the mind creates a cage
It wants to open the door
But the mind puts on a lock
It wants to forget
But the mind brings back torture
It wants to remember
But the mind erases the positive
It wants to close the wounds
But the mind forces them to stay open
I want it all to stop once and for all
But my mind is not letting go
I want peace
But the mind wants me fight
And so i continue the fight
Because I havent won yet

I learned how to cry by speaking to a mirror
I learned how to drown from depression, and all of my tears
I learned that my nightmares will always be my fears
I learned that anxiety will stay with me for years
I learned from myself; from my mind,  that the darkest room is deep down inside
My mind convinced me; and told me to let go
But my heart had the final decision to say no
The convincer’s job is to steal weakness,
But the decision maker’s job is to be the strongest

I lit the candles for them to turn off the lights;
& leave us calm in the darkness
I felt his cold hands waiting to get warm underneath my clothes
Just as the floor catches my outfit,
Im being clothed by his body;
as my hips became attached to his
His mouth covered mine
Then I felt his tongue wander
A shower made from his lips to my body,
he drenched me from top to bottom
As I waited patiently,
Wanting for him to shake my insides;
I suddenly couldn’t move anymore
But I didn’t want to move anymore
I had handcuffs that were made of skin
He locked himself to me;
then finally slipped himself in

One second of pressure
One second of force
One second of amusement
One second of fakeness
I laugh to hide the pain
I laugh to hold the tears back
Its only when someone tells me
Its only when someone cracks a joke
Its only when someone comments
That one moment doesnt leave me excited
That one moment doesnt leave me forgetting
That one moment doesnt leave me with happiness
Throughout the day.
Its only when I find something small to laugh about
Its only when I laugh for no reason
Its only to cover everything else up
I cannot stay like that forever
I cannot turn a frown upside down for hours.
My mind wont let me
I dont wanan fake it anymore
I dont wanna find excuses anymore
I just dont wanna laugh about the stupid little things only;
Because the big things is whats important;
& Im not eve laughing;
When everyone else is.
The pain hurts so much,
That I cannot stop laughing.
& when that second is gone,
Im back to crying.

Painted with a smile;
My frown is whats permanent.
Painted with strength;
My weakness is whats permanent.
Painted with happiness;
My depression is whats permanent.
Painted with beauty;
My ugliness is whats permanent.
Painted with sober;
Drunkenness is whats permanent.
Painted with stability;
My dizziness is whats permanent.
Painted with relaxation;
Nervousness is whats permanent.
Painted with ease;
Stress & anxiety is whats permanent.
Painted with a map in my hands;
Confusion is whats permanent.
Painted myself all over again;
But how I look,
How I act,
How I express myself;
Is whats permanent.

I start off being sober
I start off being normal
I start off being myself
I slowly drink to try and lose feeling
I slowly drink to relax
I slowly drink to change
I slowly drink to feel different
I continue to drink to slowly lose feeling
I continue to drink to slowly relax
I continue to drink to become a different person
I continue to drink to feel good
I keep drinking completely be numb
I keep drinking to completely relax
I keep drinking to be a stranger
I keep drinking to feel amazing
Im drinking to get rid of all the pain
Im drinking to change into a person who i dont know
Im drinking to change my mind
Im drinking to make mistakes
Im drinking to walk into another world
Im drinking to hope things will go back to normal
Im drinking to stop my nerves from shaking
Im drinking to take over depression
Im drinking,
To relax.
Im drinking,
To feel different.
Im drinking to do stupidity.
Im drinking,
To doze off.
Im drinking,
To forget.
To forget about all these problems.
& so Im trying to run away from them.

There was an ocean with hidden secrets; hidden spells,
Hidden danger;
Created with great strength from her tentacles
A human octopus with an evil face,
They called her the Sea Witch
Her ugliness craved the beauty of a mermaid with a naive heart
So the human with fins had fire hair which was red
Crystal eyes, which was blue
Soft skin, which was fair
But jewelled lips, which was ruby
A witch craved what she was never allowed to have
But a witch manipulates when she knows noone can fight back
Under the sea, inside a cave, Under the darkness is where she stayed
She got her attention;
Her voice left her body forcefully
Inside a shell it was kept protected
The treasure was a mouth from the voice of a royal fish
The one that was forbidden; but was stolen for evil’s benefit
She forced her to sing, for her to have legs
That voice went inside a shell; and on a necklace to be worn the next day
Then for a disguise, she was transformed herself into a beautiful girl
The voice she saved had been passed off as her own, making a princess mute;
A witch’s plan had been created

So tired of remembering
So tired of trying to think
So tired of knowing the truth
So tired of feeling sick
I can hardly speak,
If im mumbling
I can hardly breathe,
If im hyperventilating
I can hardly hear,
If there is static
I can hardly see,
If its blurry
I cant talk,
But i scream
I cant breathe,
But i get anxious
I cant hear,
But i hear the truth
I cant see,
But i see only myself
My moods
My fears
My actions
My words
My nightmares
My thoughts
My mind is never heard
Im violent
Im hurting
Im out of control
Im in danger
Im drowning
Im losing my soul
Noone liked me
My attitude ******
Noone understood me
My moods were ****** up
Everyone tried
I pushed them away
Everyone was scared
But they forced themselves to stay
I fought myself and i lost
I tried to swim in my tears and i drowned
I tried to put together my broken pieces but i lost them
I tried to be friends with myself and i gave up
I couldnt undo myself
I couldnt accept myself
I couldnt look at myself
I couldnt control myself
Until i injected myself
Until i repaired myself
Until i fixed myself
Until i finally helped myself
It helps to speak
It helps to breathe
It helps to hear
It helps to see
It helps to be calm
It helps to be alert
It helps to be clear
It helps to be understood
Im forced to be stable towards myself
Im medicated

I heard a click that was ready to collapse
He grabbed my hands and bent my body back
What I heard, turned into what I felt
His grip was tight before I yelled
That click that I heard, guided my skin to his lips
Then he brought his head & mouth to my
hips
Then he locked me; he wouldnt let me even if I could
My arms stayed above my head, and shackled to the wood
He undid the buttons, the zippers &
strings
He continued to wet my body with his lips
His hands were free, while mine were cuffed
He made sure that click was turning into something rough

The words of truth make me scream until i cry
I can no longer hear anymore
I can no longer speak anymore
Now i wont use my words anymore
My body seems to be the one in charge
Im a disguised stranger;
And i look inside a broken mirror
The pieces that shattered has broken me
I fell apart and disappeared
With the blood on the floor
I slipped and lay on the ******
I created a scene so deep
Inside my mind, im weak
But the weakness strengthened me to harm..
I have been injected with strength
And then the force takes over my body
I dont wanna scream anymore
So i raise my hands at my throat
I dont wanna run away anymore
So i put my feet in front of myself for me to fall
I dont wanna feel anymore
So i numbed myself with sharp edges
I dont wanna cry anymore
So i guide my fingers to scratch my eyes
I dont wanna be hurt anymore
But i wanted to feel it all over again

No space to move.
No room to breathe.
Im held inside myself;
Im locked up inside myself;
& my mind controls me.
Its like my blood is turning into soil.
Its like my bones are rotting.
& my body is slowly getting weak.
& my body is slowly losing its strength.
& my body is slowly losing control of the mind.
Disconnected;
My mind is slowly failing.
Its hard to breathe;
Because everything is caving in on me.
I wish there was another door to go through,
Because Ive been locked inside through the other end.
So claustrophobic;
No air can enter through me.
& when it does passes;
It just blows me down to the ground.
Im not seen.
Im not mentally alert.
Im so lost inside myself.
Im so dead inside myself.
See me as I am.
I am what you see.
But inside Im so invisible.
My mind is so mental.
My strength has turned to weakness.
& inside Im so closed in.
Its like my body is the coffin;
That gained solid to trap me up inside.
& I cannot breathe;
Because there is no air.
& I cannot see;
Because there is no opening to see.
& I cannot move;
Because my body & mind is locking up my spirit inside.
Im lost.
Im hidden.
Im buried inside my body.
& Ive pushed myself way too deep;
So deep,
I cannot get out.

Attitude; is it just the teenage spirit
Yelling for nothing
Rude amongst the world
Mood swings; is this normal
The thoughts that run
The thoughts that walk
The thoughts that jump
My stomach is in knots from the switching
What emotion do i hold inside?
Insomnia; why is the bed pushing me away
Awake for days
What is sleep?
Hallucinations
Am i actually seeing things
Am i actually hearing things
My mind is playing games and tricking me
Anxiety; why cant i breathe
These anxiety attacks are beating me up
My heart is racing and its leading to...
Hyperventilation
The nerves put pressure on me
Im chocking;
Unbreathing;
And now its leading to...
Dizziness
I know im going to fall
Anger; my vocal cords are being scraped
Things thrown
The pulling of my hair
The slamming of my door
Yelling for nothing
Yelling so quickly
This will never stop
Depression; the sadness isnt leaving my body
Didnt want to leave the house
I wanted to drown in my tears
Turning away from everyone
Not wanting to talk to anyone
And the phone calls that i ignored
Made friends come save me from my jail
Everyday i drowned in my tears
Self-mutilation; the knife became my new best friend
I opened my own cuts
And forced the red liquid out of my body
My skin was so torn apart
But i wanted to bleed until i felt dizzy,
Until i hyperventilated
Until i felt so relaxed
It was my only escape
Promiscuous;
Left my friends for strangers
Everyday it was someone new
There was no caring
Not for them, and not for myself
Relationships were too challenging for me
I needed to relieve the stress
Road rage; i almost died
Driving away from it all
I needed to be free
Trapped once again,
My bones got damaged
Another story to tell
Now this is me: scarred for life
Physically, and mentally
Low self-esteem
Ugliness
Fat
Stupid
Just not worth anything
Impaired memory;
Memory loss stole all my strength
Everything i knew, i forgot
Everyone i knew, i forgot
Everything i owned, I misplaced
Im too young to forget
Shopping sprees;
Spending to have excitement
But then later my moods go back to normal
Alcoholic; drinking to create happiness
On the driveway
In my room
The love for intoxication was so normal to me
Denial; i was ok
I thought i was ok
I actually wasnt ok
Medication; my decision was finally positive
No going back,
No more killing my spirit
This is for life, but im finally alive
Medicated, but finally strong
Depression faded to happiness
Anger faded to excitement
Insomnia faded to sleeping patterns
Self-mutilation faded into throwing away all the weapons
Promiscuous faded into a relationship
Intoxication faded into being sober
Finally strong but controlled for life

Who was i to think that beauty would always win
The redness within my cheeks were quick to fool with an innocent grin
Who was i to think i was smart
I grew but i wasnt tall; my attitude
was above everyones level and i made everyone fall
Who was i to think i would be so strong
I grew my body with thorns to think i was able to fight my enemy and make them gone
A natural beautiful scent,
Not knowing when the stem will be bent
A garden so colourful, but i couldnt fit in
I couldnt grow the way i wanted
I couldnt help myself the way i needed
I hated myself for leaving with the wind
I hated myself for leaning towards the darkness
I lost the sun, the rain, and the grass
I wanted to be good, but my mind watered me down the wrong path
I drowned and never came back
When the colour fades,
I want to hide my face
When the thorns fight me back,
I take all the attacks
When the petals fall,
My body weakens itself and stalls
When the stem finally breaks,
I knew i couldnt stop my mistakes

I was burnt with no scars
Inside I felt a craving that made my heart race
I needed oxygen from your mouth
But wanted your lips all over me
Your hands shielded my body after your tongue covered me
My heart was weak; I was breathless,
and then I couldn’t see
I saw while my eyes were shut;
Feeling your body from under the
sheet
I felt each touch, each kiss, each lick
You were my ride, while I was your siren
I screamed at every flame you inflicted on me
I got frustrated when your tongue started to leave
I waited impatiently for a naked body to show
You were the last to undress, but the first to make me moan
You controlled my volume, my liquid, and my temperature
It became hotter when it was harder
It was burning when it became faster
He felt that warmth inside me and wanted to cure what I was craving
His body was like a piece of ice; just quenching me
My heart became stable
My breathing slowed down
My body was cooler after you turned the heat down
I had a burn inside me;
Then the ice suddenly made me cold
Finally drenched;
I was put out with your wild hose

This is where i got struck
Through my body i pierced myself with negativity
This is where i lay
Unable to get up;
Unable to find the strength
This is where i lost my mind;
It was just so easy to turn the other side
This is where i always cried;
Tragic losses and my place to run & hide
This is where i lost my breath;
Trapped within the hypertension anxiety
This is where i dreamt the nightmares;
Choking in the night and the fear i wish left behind
This is where i became frozen
The past moved closer to me and caused my mind to be still
This is where my mistakes were made
I moved before i thought and then in the end i felt the pain
This is where i hurt
Dangerous actions when i taught myself how to bleed the right way
This is where i was intoxicated
Erasing my memories;
And the past that haunts me
This is where i gave up
I lost it all;
Until i began again
This is where i stand
Im finally up but the pieces still remain

I felt a cold sensation on my neck that travelled to my stomach
From your hands to your mouth, it travelled below my waist
My lungs breathed cold air from the ice that you controlled
I shivered sexually on the bed naked as you continued to melt the ice cubes on my body
I needed a warm sensation to heat my body
I needed your body to cover me
With your lips, you warmed my frostbites
With your hands, you held my wrists tight
With your tongue, you caught every cold drip
With your hands, my hips quenched your grip
My body is cold & wet
My clothes have disappeared and are drenched
You melted a solid down my body
You wanted to see me go crazy

I created episodes like you would see on a tv show;
but mine were real
I became crazy like you would see in a thriller movie;
but my moodswings wasnt an act
I cried like you would see a baby in tears;
But i was hurting
I screamed like you would see in a horror film;
But my fears and demons are chasing me
I was out of control like you would see in an action movie
But my actions wouldnt lie
i would be silent like you would see in a mute person;
But my voice wont allow me to speak
I wouldnt listen like you would see a deaf person;
But my ears wont allow me to hear
I couldnt look like you would see a blind person;
But my eyes wouldnt allow me to see
I couldnt breathe like you would see a heart stop;
But my lungs kept me hyperventilating with anxiety
I became distant like you would see miles away;
but i actually disappeared

So fragile
I dont want to move
Used to the point where im almost nothing
My mind is so tired
My body is so exhausted
One more step and ill fall
Im so shaky, im so dizzy
These thoughts that run through my head are adding stress
Im getting stretched
And soon im going to snap
Once im gone i wont come back
Pieces are slowly falling apart on me
Once i brake, im broken forever
No glue can make me whole again
No tape can attach what im losing in the end
Forced to undo myself, its hard to make myself stay
Weakness is stronger than strength
Im just fading away
My body is bending
My mind is twisting
My heart is stopping
Im going to stop breathing
My spirit wants to split
My soul is already ripping through my skin
My mind and body is slowly detaching themselves
And once im broken, im broken forever
Now im apart
Now im torn
Now im bleeding
Now im in separation from everything, everybody
The sharp air pierces my spirit
The sharp wind pierces my soul
The sharp negativity pierces my mind
The sharp knife pierces my skin
Now im in two pieces
One is gone forever

We can only pretend
We can only remember
We can never forget
All thats left is pictures
And its the only image of you i can see
All thats left is a movie & tapes
And its the only voice of you i can hear
All thats left are treasures
And i hold them close to me
All thats left is gifts
And i will never give away
All thats left is your table
And its where you are alive to me
All thats left is tears
And that will never stop
All thats left is memories
And memories never fade
All thats left is my voice
Because i know i cant hear you speak
All thats left is my eyes
Because i know i cant look at you see
All thats left is my ears
Because i know i cant see you listening
All thats left is the mind
And i will never stop thinking of you
All thats left is a mirror
And i see you when i stare inside
All thats left is the sky
And its the only closest way to heaven
All thats left is flowers & small things
And its the only gift i can give
All thats left is a tombstone
And its the only closeness i will ever be to you
All thats left is goodbyes
And then it starts all over again
But it always will end with tears so all thats left is memories
And it never escapes my mind

Unclothed, he throws me down
I feel a force that I just wont say no to
Then I feel a stinging on my neck,
That made me put scratches down his back
Suddenly is reach was fast as those silver rings tighten around my wrists
He made sure that he was the one in control as his lips travelled on my skin
His head kept getting lower
My heart rate only got faster
He was making me wait by teasing
The ******* of his tongue tricked me
I wanted the ******* of whats under his clothes
But I just wasn’t allowed to move
I wanted to undo his clothes like he undid mine
Why the punishment for making me wait
He wanted the screams;
Silence was full of hate
It wasnt a game anymore
He finally covered the floor with his clothes
I heard a whisper;
“The game hasn’t even started”
Then finally I felt the bed move
I felt my body indented
I felt my skin covered
I felt my blood boiling
I felt my heart rate rise
And my screams got louder
My belly button had been touched from the inside;
And I felt him digging through a cave that is secret from the world
He was all up in my ribs

Do you ever just try and give up on taking that hard,
tasteless candy that controls your mind
You want to stop just to see if you can control yourself
with nothing stabilizing your insides
But then those withdrawals of being calm;
To feel life again, & not to be numb
But then you know its fake;
The good behaviour, & no more mistakes
The anxiety; gone, the moodswings went calm
The self conscious had been forgotten about,
& no more of the addiction to self-harm
Those worries within, & those darkest fears
No more love for being alone, & no more nightmares
I saw what that tasteless candy can do
It made me change, & unlocked my room
The mind has been ruined, tortured & abused
The heart has been broken, thrown around, & used
Even though the high milligrams corrected my mind
I wasn’t the one who actually changed myself inside

I can tell you to kiss me,
But your in control of how long
I can tell you to strip me,
But your in control of the amount of clothes to take off
I can tell you to grab me,
But your in control of where to start
I can tell you to throw me,
But your in control of how far
I can tell you to hold me down
But your in control of how tight
I can tell you to mark me,
But your in control of how many hickeys
I can tell you to pull my hair,
But your in control of how hard
I can tell you to **** me,
But your in control of how rough

The beginning of a soft kiss always turns into something more
The soft touch is deceiving;
It turns into a bite
That bite leaves you marked until his hands begin to
tickle down your body
A tickle turns into a grab
That grab hold you until he undresses you aggressively
His aggressiveness takes control with a push on the bed
His push allows you to crave
whats next,
but he makes you wait
His hands lock you tight;
That tightness made sure you didn’t move
He wanted all that energy, all that control
Then he got rough as he entered your cave
Trying to breathe, the pulling of your hair;
slightly cuts off the air and you struggle  to scream
That pulling turned to squeezing;
his hands around your neck
as he goes deeper; as he went harder
He finally hurts you internally
…That beautiful pain;
Lets do that soft kiss again

I forced the tears out to be spoiled
A little girl everyone was used to
It was only a fuss
It was only water with salt
And then i brought on a thousand headaches
Whining
Screaming
Yelling
I knew how to make mom and dad crazy
I didnt know;
I just knew how to get my way
Older;
A little distant now
The tears were made out of selfishness
Things became thrown
Doors were slamming
My way, or no way;
I knew how to yell
I knew how to scream
I knew how to silence everyone until i came home
The tears came out for nothing
A little weaker now
My eyes;
Wide open
I introduced a weapon
Now i learned how to really cry for something
Broken thoughts became tinier
And then the cuts turned into scars
I needed an escape
Sorrow had replaced happiness now
Not when i was a baby
Not when i was a little girl
Memories remain
Pictures remain
And my tears drown me with pain
I felt so alone
But i loved being alone
And then suddenly i knew what alone really meant;
So then i understood what crying was really about
I broken heart,
A broken soul
A dead heart,
A dead soul
A goodbye forever
A hello to my fears
As i wake from my nightmares,
I cannot see
My eyes are shut tight
And then i became scared to open up to see
I couldnt breathe
Drenched with sweat, i was going crazy
And then i felt the tears again
Now im out of control; i bleed
The harm i force on myself,
I just want myself to leave
As i release such hateful tears,
The mirror i stare into shatters my body and makes me broken
I learned how to bleed;
I learned another way to cry
The fears have taken over now
My mind became my enemy now
The past that was broken never got repaired
Now is when I memorized what crying is
As i close my eyes i think of what i have done, what i lost, and what i continue to do
Hyperventilation,
Anxiety,
Depression,
Moodswings,
Self-mutila­tion
The tears from my childhood didnt make me understand;
It made be spoiled and silenced
Now i understand,
Now i learned
I learned how to cry the hard way
For pain
For loss
For scars
For the past
For harm
For memories
For the blood i lost when i couldnt cry anymore

I was waiting for that moment that my loneliness would change
The moment that i felt everything;
That moment that i felt beautiful pain
Underneath had been revealed
I feel the gentle touch from your hands
I feel the warmth of your body
I feel the soft touch from your lips
And this is only the beginning
Started with a kiss
So innocent
So sweet
Then i couldnt breathe
So trapped
So weak
And then my lips; indented from your teeth
The swelling of the lips that i couldnt speak
I was locked inside your mouth
The hard breathing that i couldnt control
I was trapped under your body
The screaming that i couldnt hold in
I learned you hated silence
The darkness blinded our eyes
But we can feel
The feeling of being restraint
But the excitement is real
The reality of the kiss
The reality of the love
The reality of the plan
The energy that couldnt stop

Just leave me to sit in the corner;
& let me drown in my tears.
Let me try to release all the tension within me.
Allow me to undo this pain.
Allow me to undo this sorrow.
Allow me to rebuild strength.
Allow me to figure things out.
Allow me to be alone.
Just leave me depressed.
Just leave me angry.
Just leave me confused.
Just leave me daydreaming.
Just leave me falling over.
Just leave me drunk with drama.
Just leave me to lose myself.
I never knew it would be this hard to start a new life with someone missing.
All special events;
All laughs & giggles;
All fun times;
Will be greatly missed.
All anger moments;
All negativity;
All ignorance;
Will be regretted forever.
Thoughts racing,
Heart pumping,
Heavy breathing,
Sweating puddles,
Headaches,
Anxiety,
Fear,
Ocean of tears.
Just leave me to lock my door.
Just leave me to fall to the floor.
Just leave me to think.
Just leave me in shock forever.
Just leave me to try and believe the truth.
Just leave me to catch my breath.
Just leave me to slow down my heart.
Just leave me to still my nerves.
Just leave me to sit down.
Just leave me to relax.
Just leave me to act up again.
Just leave me to cry again.
Just leave me depressed again.
Just leave me angry again.
Just leave me to daydream again.
Just leave me falling over again.
Just leave me to lose myself all over again..forever.
Let me drop,
Let me cry.
Let me run,
Let me hide.
Leave me torn.
Leave me in cuts.
Leave me bruised.
Leave me broken.
Leave my heart to bleed;
Bleed from the other half thats been taken away forever.

I feel that I need to ask to live my life
I feel that I need to ask to do what I want
I feel that I need to ask to go where I want
I feel that I need to ask to be the person I want to be
I feel that I need to ask for my own space
I feel that I need to ask for forgiveness; even though I've done nothing wrong
I feel that I need to ask to speak
I feel that I need to ask to see
I feel that I need to ask questions
I feel that I need to obey all the rules
I feel that I need to be fake to certain people
I feel that Im being watched
I feel that Im being spied on
I feel that Im being threatened
I feel that Im being judged
I feel that Im being yelled at too many times
I feel that Im a prisoner
I feel that Im a puppet on strings
I feel that Im a dog on a tight, strict leash
I feel that Im a butterfly without her wings
I feel that Im a monkey in a cage; waiting to be unleashed
i feel the need to tell people off
I feel the need to get revenge
I feel the need to defend myself
I feel the need to yell back
I feel the need to confront certain people
I feel the need to hospitalize myself...
Because I dont think Im allowed to breathe

I cant stay awake anymore
My body is giving out
Its tired; not for sleep,
But a crave to be in peace
I wanna know that in the end everything will be ok
I continue to fear,
I continue to have nightmares
And then i wanna disappear
The nights of hyperventilating
The nights of tears
The nights of worry
The nights of fears
I try to erase it all
But im only making it all stay
I wanna erase it all
But it will never go away
My thought; their racing
And i cant chase them to make them die
I learned to hide, but i never learned to be invisible
I was always caught from my fears
My hiding spots were taken away
& i found myself so many times;
Deep inside a hole
A black hole that blinded me
But i stayed awake to fight
Bit then i ended up getting so tired
So tired of the ******* that lurked around me
I fought but then i lost
I my mind won a thousand times
And then my heart broke into pieces knowing my body gets weaker each day
Emotionally tired; i have nowhere to rest the thoughts;
Even make them go away
My heart tired itself fighting for another chance
I lay here tired
Emotionally tired
I lay here restless
Physically restless
I lay here numb
Spiritually numb
I lay here broken
Mentally broken

When the air usually passes through,
But then suddenly its hard to breathe
I feel it in my chest the pressure
I can feel my heart just pounding
The dizziness arrives
And thats when my strength fades away
I can no longer hold onto myself
Im falling as i slip away
I cannot swallow
I just wanna exhale all my fears
Theres something in my throat
The anxiety just wont go down
I keep forgetting
I keep messing up
The confusion gets the best of me
My brain is just freezing over
Like a tree with no leaves, all my pieces shook themselves and fell onto the ground
The pieces to my body broke apart from me
I felt every struggle as i try to open my lungs
As i hyperventilate i feel the suffocation choking me
I want these invisible hands to break away from my throat

My arms reach up,
But never brought back down.
Im down on my knees;
& I dont know how to get up.
Im still falling
Im slowly weakening
Im slowly in pain
I feel as though my walls are sound-proof,
& that my door always locks me up inside.
I feel as though my windows wont open;
& that my phone has died.
I keep waiting,
But I feel that Im waiting for nothing.
Because Im still in the same spot that I started.
I havent budged,
I havent moved,
I havent spoken,
I havent even slept.
& so Ive had nightmares with my eyes open;
& dreamt that things would go back to normal.
I just wanna sleep through the storms of drama,
& wake up to the sun shining on everything thats back to normal.
I just wanna stop the future and relive the past.
The past that was full of happiness,
& not the past that was full of sadness.
If I can just go back,
I would change everything.
I feel that everything has just turned its back on me;
Because everything was my fault.
& I feel guilty because I did nothing to prevent such a tornado;
That tore everything apart.
I wanted to do so much;
Help so many;
But I just couldnt trust myself.
Not capable of anything;
Not successful in anything;
& not smart in anytihng.
I just keep holding my hands out to the mirror,
But the enemy wont take me.
There is no communication with myself anymore.
I do things;
& behind my own back,
Im slowly killing myself.
Lord, I dont wanna ask for your help anymore;
Because you've done too much for me.
& yet you have saved me;
When I should have been left to die.
& in the end I keep disrespecting you;
& so I keep apologizing;
& you keep giving me way too many chances;
I feel as though I have been taking advantage of you;
Because I made it clear to you that I cannot help myself anymore.
I just wanna change everything;
But all my strength has been tortured from all the anger.
All my strength has been tortured from all the stress.
All my strength has been tortured from all the anxiety.
All my strength has been tortured from all the fear.
& all my strength was tortured from me.
Im all on my own,
& I dont know what Im doing anymore.
Years of tolerance has forced me down the wrong path.
I am now a complete mess with everything.
Im unable to guide myself.
Im unable to help myself.
I have completely given up;
Because theres nothing I can do for myself anymore.

My lipstick disappeared and rubbed on his lips
while his hands invited themselves underneath my clothes
I felt the pinches made from his mouth
He left his marks all over my neck
I bled inside, and it showed on my skin
He grabbed those bright furry bracelets, then placed them on me
Tighten them on my wrists, then climbed on top of my body
I felt a strong pull below my waist
There was only visible piece of cloth that stayed
The sparkly red string put me in danger
He used all his strength so that I screamed louder
My coloured nails dug into his back
The marks that matched my neck,
the cuffs,
the string,
and my nails got intense
once we both couldn’t take no more

Do you ever just try and give up on taking that hard,
tasteless candy that controls your mind
You want to stop just to see if you can control yourself
with nothing stabilizing your insides
But then those withdrawals of being calm;
To feel life again, & not to be numb
But then you know its fake;
The good behaviour, & no more mistakes
The anxiety; gone, the moodswings went calm
The self conscious had been forgotten about,
& no more of the addiction to self-harm
Those worries within, & those darkest fears
No more love for being alone, & no more nightmares
I saw what that tasteless candy can do
It made me change, & unlocked my room
The mind has been ruined, tortured & abused
The heart has been broken, thrown around, & used
Even though the high milligrams corrected my mind
I wasn’t the one who actually changed myself inside

There were many times I loved my fears more than feeling safe
There were many times I never showed love, only hate
There were many times I worshipped my nightmares over my dreams
There were many times I chose insomnia instead to sleep
There were many times I put aside my happiness only to be angry
There were many times I put myself in danger to please my anxiety
There were many times I needed that alcohol; bring drunk over sober
There were many times I left home to reveal all kinds of exposure
There were many times I chose the knife over my friends
There were many times I wanted to call it quits, before starting the meds

I made my hands strong when everyone was weak
I was my own seduction when I couldnt sleep
Slithering like a snake on my skin
When the lights were out,
I let myself in
I was the only one to handle myself
Everyone else, I sent to hell
I kissed the darkness
I stripped the mirror
I dripped & got soaked; looking like tears

I found who can handle me
Its more than my hand
I cut off the boys, and showed myself to a man
Now Im the one thats weak;
My strength was taken
He was my weakness the minute we were naked
Now he takes care of my dryness
Hes the one that gets me wet
He closed my eyes
And relaxed me to the  bed
I didnt need myself
Myself didnt need me
I didnt needt to give myself the attention anymore
Because he is now in charge of my screams
I fell in love with his ways
And the ******* I felt
I turned my life when I made real love with a man
And not myself

I wanna be glued to the ground,
So I never get up.
I wanna be covered up,
So noone would find me.
I see a beautiful family.
I see a beautiful life.
I just want my eyes to be glued together.
I just want my brain to be focused on the positivity.
I just want my heart to be happy.
I just want my tears to stay inside my body.
I wanna stay in the bed and just breathe slowly.
I wanna shut my mouth and just allow my dreams to talk for me.
I just wanna break the silence thats coming outside of my room.
I just wanna build a wall in front of all my fears;
& all my worry.
I just wanna restart my life;
& end it with hurtless things.
I wanna just ignore the real world around me;
& focus on the fake world within me.
I dont wanna ever open my eyes.
Or else things will go back to being abnormal.
& I just wanna stop seeing the truth.
& just focus on my dreams.
So if i could just keep my eyes closed forever,
I can live happy again.

My lock was finally unlocked
My door was finally open
My walls were finally knocked down
My floor was finally broken apart
My room was finally torn
That lock to my door opened a room full of walls
that you stepped into while exploring what you can do
You unlocked my clothes
You opened my legs
You ruptured my ******
You damaged my pelvic floor
My body was a room
that was kept tidy for a strong one
Those weak ones couldn’t even mess up my hair
Then finally those ****** dreams turned into reality
when you placed those kisses on both of my lips
I wanted my body weak; not being able to handle you
That floor that held my pelvis,
couldn’t hold the ****** any longer

Never thought I would receive such heart-breaking news
That I was unable to choose
That you couldnt be rescued
Never thought your heart would grow weak
That you would forever sleep
That you and God would meet
Never thought my heart would break
That I knew this was all a big mistake
That God had to take
Never thought the day would go by
That you would fly
That I would cry
Never thought that I would lose
That the devil was accused
That my heart is now bruised
Never thought that I would feel this pain
That I became insane
But heaven has gained...
An angel
Mother Queen of Angels
My beautiful angel
Your daughter cries on...

I tried to breathe when his teeth released its pressure on my neck
His lips left a mark that gave me a teasing ******
before his head moved below my waist
His tongue finally took control while his hands controlled my body
I locked him in between
Then my legs started to become weak
I lost control once I felt that wet vibration inside of me
His fingers; digging
inside my tunnel, made my lungs work hard for oxygen
I saw my legs shake, but felt a feeling inside my body
I felt my legs shake, then I saw the feeling get stronger
Grasped everything I could reach, but I couldn’t hold on
I felt weakness while I trembled against his mouth

His face finally switched places with his hips
I was filled with a thicker weapon
The one that pushed up in my ribs
My neck was being abused;
getting marked up while I was hyperventilating
Losing air from everything, I couldn’t control how my body was reacting
He played the boss all night with all of his moves
And just as I thought all the positions were accomplished,
You showed me how I couldn’t handle the beating from your pelvis
You made a ponytail in my hair; the hair-tie was your hand
I was pulled back from a different position then I couldn’t move
My head was throbbing, but so was my
body
It was beautiful pain so I wanted more
Your love for my flexibility forced my legs onto your shoulders
Every minute was a different feeling
Every hour was a different position
There was nothing left for me to grab onto except your body
So i dug my nails in your skin,
scratching marks on your back on every spot you hit;
while your love bites left marks on my body

It was so noisy; felt like the bed was going to break
Uncontrollable sounds that I made
You were in charge of how I moved;
those ******* moments had my whole body in a quake
We were drenched; our bodies and the sheets
That big O you gave me, left me losing my voice from my screams

I have asked for silence,
Not to go deaf or unable to speak.
I have asked for everything to be gone,
Not to go blind.
I have asked to breathe calmly,
Not to completely stop breathing.
I have asked to be releaved,
Not to go weak.
I have asked to forget things,
Not to have amnesia.
I have asked to dim the lights,
Not to be trapped in the darkness.
I have asked to stop the nightmares,
Not to stop sleeping.
I have asked to stop crying,
Not to stop all emotions.
I have asked to cool down,
Not to freeze.
I have asked to be warm,
Not to boil with heat.
I have asked to be patient,
Not to wait forever.
I have asked to stop all the problems,
Not to stop everything.
I have asked to turn away from the mirror,
Not for it to break me.
I have asked that things go back to normal,
Not for everything to appear as something worse.
I have asked to change myself,
Not to be changed into a stranger I dont even know.

Anxiety gets disguised by that hard breathing you pressure my body to do;
That ****** feeling you created in my mind;
That locked door that I opened up inside
You broke my old chains and replaced them with your own
Now the thing thats locked, wont let my body go
I lay there with marks
created with your mouth, your teeth; like permanent scars
Inside my blood boils
Inside my veins explode
Inside my bones grow brittle
Then thats when i learned to choke
I felt your hands underneath me,
Making sure you grabbed what was yours
I felt you go deeper,
Making my body pour
Now I felt that anxiety,
The one you made disappear
Its back; only stronger
But I wanted it near
My breathing didn’t worry you;
You watched me hyperventilate while you were on top,
That anxiety became louder,
It was a worry begging you not to stop

I felt restless, anxious, stressed, & weak
My body felt stiff & held up a guard to protect me
I always looked out for myself; from one particular enemy
I tried chasing it away, but then it returned
I had frequent visits; inside the mirror, during the day, & in my sleep
Insomnia always striked me
I wanted peace, but I always feared the darkness
The darkness inside
The darkness in my nightmares
The darkness all around
I was looking for a solution to make myself leave; to make my mind get squeezed; to make my body at ease
So then I tried to replace these hallucinations with alcohol, then I drowned
Tried to replace this depression with a razor, then I bled out
Tried to replace this anxiety by constantly staying up all night, then my body gave out
I tried to replace this mind by looking for a cure from myself,
Then when I saw that it was too late; I was already broken,
Nothing was able to save me; my last resort was the milligrams from a fake candy
It was supposed to tranquilize this mind,
Freeze this brain,
& calm these nerves
But not even a pill was strong enough to fight against my invisible twin

I had a sweet tooth for awhile;
A crave that wouldn’t leave
I was impatiently waiting to undress a wrapper
that was made from material,
a straw made from skin,
and a bottle made from a body
My sweet tooth turned into thirst
Thirst for that sugary drink that waits for its release
The darkness locked the door
Appearing naked; to throw my knees to the floor
His hands were my hair-tie;
And made sure his eyes weren’t blind
He viewed me close like a movie
Parted were my lips;
I started giving him that upside down kiss
The floor of my mouth was walked on
My tongue detached from me
My lips became numb
My tonsils got inflamed
My throat became scratched
I swallowed, but it wasn’t food

I felt you on my skin
and you wouldn’t leave till you got what you wanted
You landed on top of me so quietly
I only felt a tickle that made me want something more
You started to make my blood boil,
Then changed my heart rate
My neck was poked from your teeth
till you wrapped your mouth around my skin
You covered every inch of my body; poking different levels of excitement
Anxiety starts in my blood; pacing through my veins
You had me itching for something more
I lay there *******, marked up, & irritated
You left the room, keeping me waiting
The tension is intense because I’ve been anticipating  
Your teeth marked everywhere below my chin
Your mouth made a redness & heated my skin
You finally appeared with a cure to my bites
You forced a pressure on a my body
You forced a puncture to remain inside me
I anticipated the whole day
Now you poked me in a different way

I started to run away from the mind that was chasing me all these years until finally my bones gave out
I accepted alot of heartache until the colour of my heart turned black
I kept appearing into the darkness and saw that nothing else helped me but the blades of a knife; who wanted to puncture me. the replaced my tears as i closed my eyes from relaxation
I met a stranger that friended me. A stranger that would only harm me. A stranger that was using me. A stranger that was me.
I saw that my soul was being stripped; and i was already to late to save myself

My bones that held me up became brittle as i ran
The heart that was warm turned cold when my mind stole it away
The skin that covered my weaknesses became scarred as i created harm
The mind that was sane became insane when the devil wanted to play
The soul that was living happy became dead as it fell into depression

After my bones became brittle, i broke
After my heart became cold, it shattered
After my skin became scarred, i bled
After my mind became insane, it erased
After my soul became depressed, it died