You marked my neck,
and then I couldnt slow down the air within my lungs
The ******* from your lips made me lose my breath,
and then i forgotten how to breathe
You cooled down my hot skin with the ice you held in your hand
Then I completely lost my breath
from that shock that you placed all over me
My top unbuttoned;
My pants unzipped;
My lingerie wrapped around your hands, as you brought yourself closer
I saw your clothed body;
but it was naked in my eyes
You deprived me from yourself because you loved making me wait
I hated the struggle
I hated the game
I couldn’t even escape to strip you the same way
You locked my wrists with yours
And until you finished your teasing ways,
You wanted to enjoy the show
I kept telling you what you wanted to hear;
To just **** me already

Finally that wait had ended; your fun & games ran out of time
Your hands did one last move to calm my mind
Those marks on my neck started to bleed
That ice on my body drenched me after it melted;
And then I became cold
But instead of a blanket, you were the one that draped me
On top of my body, I finally felt you indent me
Purposely testing my breathing;
Purposely triggering my screams;
So you can hear how amazing your performance had been

I felt a feeling like never before
My heart; pounding
I couldnt handle anymore
My fears escalated to the point where i glued my eyes shut
But then i saw my nightmares that never went away
I tried to unglue my eyes
But then they were permanently shut tight.
Now i see whats inside my mind
I wanna erase everything thats trying to hide.
I will never forget what harmed me
I want to go back to the past and change everything
I blocked myself from winning
My mind made me lose repeatedly Turned into glass; my heart jumped out of my chest and then broke as it hit the floor
The blood rushed out of my body as i tried to save myself
I felt so broken as i lay on the floor
I bruised myself my remembering the times i wanted to leave this darkness
And I have been in the darkness my whole life; i regret not wanting to fight
I fought the wrong people
I fought the wrong person that tried to hide
My fears keep growing; while i am shrinking
Eventually i will crumble inside my own body
Eventually i will pass out for not breathing
Im breathing harsh
Im breathing slow
Im hyperventilating and it just wont leave me alone
Im fighting to breathe
My tears just wont dry
Its painful to breathe
And it hurts to cry
The time keeps ticking but there is no change
The time only makes me think that tomorrow it starts all over again
My fears dont wanna leave
My nightmares dont turn into regular dreams
Im still unable to control this feeling
Im waiting on the last tear that ends all my negativity
And i wish the last tear will stop all pain forever

When its loud, it becomes silent
When theres light, it becomes dark
When its easy, it becomes hard
When its full, it becomes empty
When theres fun, the fun ends
When theres happiness, it turns into anger
When theres joy, it turns into depression
When theres dreams, they turn into nightmares
When theres confidence, fear takes over
When theres talking, silence is overwhelming
When theres appearance, it becomes ignored
When the eyes see, it becomes blurry
When the ears listen, it becomes staticky
When breathing, it becomes breathless
When the mind is in peace, it becomes dangerous
When the heart speaks, it becomes broken
As i shut myself in and lock the door
I stay to bleed all over the floor
It was silent
It was quiet
I wanted everyone out
It hurts now
Its painful
I never accepted help
It was dangerous
It was serious
I couldnt be controlled
It was stupid
It was unexplainable
I wanted to go

I can tell you to kiss me,
But your in control of how long
I can tell you to strip me,
But your in control of the amount of clothes to take off
I can tell you to grab me,
But your in control of where to start
I can tell you to throw me,
But your in control of how far
I can tell you to hold me down
But your in control of how tight
I can tell you to mark me,
But your in control of how many hickeys
I can tell you to pull my hair,
But your in control of how hard
I can tell you to **** me,
But your in control of how rough

I thought i was cured
In the end my strength ran out
I ended up picking up the pieces from when i broke myself
All over again, i fall
I tried to run, and i ruined it all
Im at square one again
I want to quit, but i will give up on myself
I thought the struggle was over
But i saw a temporary bandage lasting most of my lifetime until it came off of my wounds
I started bleeding again
I cried, and i started suffocating again
Im breathing heavy; im back to being the enemy
My darkness is alive and once again, its after me
I thought i saved myself, but i was only inside a room that was locked for protection
The lock was broken, and the door had opened
My mind came inside once again
Inside the room; waking me from my dream once again
I thought my nightmares were over;
It was only the light that covered the darkness
I was walking with the light, and now it shut itself off
Im left trapped in the darkness once again; so i cannot see
I cant see the mirror
I cant see me
I thought i shattered the mirror; i broke my enemy
But it was glued back together with blood
Blood that came from inside me
Now i see again; but i dont want to look into my own eyes
Im broken once again
I see the past and now i see myself in disguise
I thought i stripped my enemy off
I thought it died,
But i guess i was wrong
It was in a deep sleep; it had woken up from my darkest dream
Im fighting once again; i want to run again
I want my strength again
It has started again

No space to move.
No room to breathe.
Im held inside myself;
Im locked up inside myself;
& my mind controls me.
Its like my blood is turning into soil.
Its like my bones are rotting.
& my body is slowly getting weak.
& my body is slowly losing its strength.
& my body is slowly losing control of the mind.
Disconnected;
My mind is slowly failing.
Its hard to breathe;
Because everything is caving in on me.
I wish there was another door to go through,
Because Ive been locked inside through the other end.
So claustrophobic;
No air can enter through me.
& when it does passes;
It just blows me down to the ground.
Im not seen.
Im not mentally alert.
Im so lost inside myself.
Im so dead inside myself.
See me as I am.
I am what you see.
But inside Im so invisible.
My mind is so mental.
My strength has turned to weakness.
& inside Im so closed in.
Its like my body is the coffin;
That gained solid to trap me up inside.
& I cannot breathe;
Because there is no air.
& I cannot see;
Because there is no opening to see.
& I cannot move;
Because my body & mind is locking up my spirit inside.
Im lost.
Im hidden.
Im buried inside my body.
& Ive pushed myself way too deep;
So deep,
I cannot get out.

Attitude; is it just the teenage spirit
Yelling for nothing
Rude amongst the world
Mood swings; is this normal
The thoughts that run
The thoughts that walk
The thoughts that jump
My stomach is in knots from the switching
What emotion do i hold inside?
Insomnia; why is the bed pushing me away
Awake for days
What is sleep?
Hallucinations
Am i actually seeing things
Am i actually hearing things
My mind is playing games and tricking me
Anxiety; why cant i breathe
These anxiety attacks are beating me up
My heart is racing and its leading to...
Hyperventilation
The nerves put pressure on me
Im chocking;
Unbreathing;
And now its leading to...
Dizziness
I know im going to fall
Anger; my vocal cords are being scraped
Things thrown
The pulling of my hair
The slamming of my door
Yelling for nothing
Yelling so quickly
This will never stop
Depression; the sadness isnt leaving my body
Didnt want to leave the house
I wanted to drown in my tears
Turning away from everyone
Not wanting to talk to anyone
And the phone calls that i ignored
Made friends come save me from my jail
Everyday i drowned in my tears
Self-mutilation; the knife became my new best friend
I opened my own cuts
And forced the red liquid out of my body
My skin was so torn apart
But i wanted to bleed until i felt dizzy,
Until i hyperventilated
Until i felt so relaxed
It was my only escape
Promiscuous;
Left my friends for strangers
Everyday it was someone new
There was no caring
Not for them, and not for myself
Relationships were too challenging for me
I needed to relieve the stress
Road rage; i almost died
Driving away from it all
I needed to be free
Trapped once again,
My bones got damaged
Another story to tell
Now this is me: scarred for life
Physically, and mentally
Low self-esteem
Ugliness
Fat
Stupid
Just not worth anything
Impaired memory;
Memory loss stole all my strength
Everything i knew, i forgot
Everyone i knew, i forgot
Everything i owned, I misplaced
Im too young to forget
Shopping sprees;
Spending to have excitement
But then later my moods go back to normal
Alcoholic; drinking to create happiness
On the driveway
In my room
The love for intoxication was so normal to me
Denial; i was ok
I thought i was ok
I actually wasnt ok
Medication; my decision was finally positive
No going back,
No more killing my spirit
This is for life, but im finally alive
Medicated, but finally strong
Depression faded to happiness
Anger faded to excitement
Insomnia faded to sleeping patterns
Self-mutilation faded into throwing away all the weapons
Promiscuous faded into a relationship
Intoxication faded into being sober
Finally strong but controlled for life

There was an ocean with hidden secrets; hidden spells,
Hidden danger;
Created with great strength from her tentacles
A human octopus with an evil face,
They called her the Sea Witch
Her ugliness craved the beauty of a mermaid with a naive heart
So the human with fins had fire hair which was red
Crystal eyes, which was blue
Soft skin, which was fair
But jewelled lips, which was ruby
A witch craved what she was never allowed to have
But a witch manipulates when she knows noone can fight back
Under the sea, inside a cave, Under the darkness is where she stayed
She got her attention;
Her voice left her body forcefully
Inside a shell it was kept protected
The treasure was a mouth from the voice of a royal fish
The one that was forbidden; but was stolen for evil’s benefit
She forced her to sing, for her to have legs
That voice went inside a shell; and on a necklace to be worn the next day
Then for a disguise, she was transformed herself into a beautiful girl
The voice she saved had been passed off as her own, making a princess mute;
A witch’s plan had been created

The weight is heavy against my body
I can feel my chest being pushed in
Its tight inside this little space
I cannot move; i can barely breathe
There was a cage that grew over me;
Locking me in
And hiding me
I wanted to escape but i couldnt find the key
I was trapped and i was lost
I tried pushing my way through but nothing moved
I just had no strength to move my own fears
Invisible pins pierced through my clothes
And then the wall waited for my body; i was pushed but i didnt fall
Instead i was held up with the strong forces, then i felt like i was being strangled
I had no way of breaking through
My strength broke when i tried to escape
There was nowhere to go
So i stood there feeling helpless
I breathed so deeply hoping my lungs would open wider
Instead i felt them being crushed
And then my heart was squeezed until i fell to the floor
I was feeling weak
No more wall was behind me
Instead i was pushed to the floor
Broken,
Shattered,
Bleeding until i couldnt take no more
Felt stabbed with invisible knives
Cut right open,
And ended the fight

I learned how to cry by speaking to a mirror
I learned how to drown from depression, and all of my tears
I learned that my nightmares will always be my fears
I learned that anxiety will stay with me for years
I learned from myself; from my mind,  that the darkest room is deep down inside
My mind convinced me; and told me to let go
But my heart had the final decision to say no
The convincer’s job is to steal weakness,
But the decision maker’s job is to be the strongest

I appear in tears.
Tears that wash my pieces away.
All I can see,
& all I can feel;
Is my body splitting.
The pieces on the floor.
I have been cut so many times,
& finally,
I am now chopped up.
So instead of a little blood;
I appear to have a river of blood.
That flows constantly on the floor.
& comes from my bleeding heart.
My head has been ******* with.
My heart has been played with.
& my body has been abused.
The killer is my own self.
Because I was so strong.
My weaknesses got to me.
& so I have lost all strength.
I just feel like a porcelain doll;
Controlled while held;
& suddenly shattered to pieces.
The owner is once again;
My own self.
Clumsy with my body;
I let myself slip & fall.
My mind has controlled my strength,
& brought it down to weakness.
Each part of my body suddenly weakened & gave up.
I cannot see anymore,
Because my eyes have lost vision.
I cannot breathe anymore,
Because my nose blocks the air.
I cannot speak anymore,
Because my mouth closed on me.
I cannot hear anymore,
Because my eardrums stopped working.
I cannot feel anymore,
Because I have gone numb.
I cannot walk anymore,
Because my legs have given up on me.
My body has just stopped working.
& Ive stopped caring for myself.
I let myself go;
& Im now in pieces;
Because I let everything break me.
& Im to the point where I wanna completely disappear..

There is an invisible light thats blinding me
I want to shut it off but it wont let me
I wanna close the door and forget whats behind me
I wanna lay the past to rest
There is a reflection that shines on me
The mirrors around me wont shatter
I keep seeing a shadow that follows me
The lost soul of my spirit's nest
I breathe in anxiety
I breathe out hyperventilation
I gasp for air as my heart pounds faster
My lungs had finally collapsed
I feel numb & pain at the same time
I feel dizzy & stability working together
I feel heart failure & heart success
I feel my life had been put to the test
I see the mistakes
I see the disappointments
I see the sadness
I see the anger
I wanted correction
I wanted satisfaction
I wanted happiness
I wanted pleasure
I cried
I screamed
I hurt myself
I found escapes
I finally was calm
I finally was quiet
I finally was relaxed
But i was in danger from all the pain
I wanna forget
I wanna redo
I wanna erase
I wanna wipe away that life
The nightmares & fears
The pain & the tears
The aggression & abuse
The starvation of wanting to fight

I forced the tears out to be spoiled
A little girl everyone was used to
It was only a fuss
It was only water with salt
And then i brought on a thousand headaches
Whining
Screaming
Yelling
I knew how to make mom and dad crazy
I didnt know;
I just knew how to get my way
Older;
A little distant now
The tears were made out of selfishness
Things became thrown
Doors were slamming
My way, or no way;
I knew how to yell
I knew how to scream
I knew how to silence everyone until i came home
The tears came out for nothing
A little weaker now
My eyes;
Wide open
I introduced a weapon
Now i learned how to really cry for something
Broken thoughts became tinier
And then the cuts turned into scars
I needed an escape
Sorrow had replaced happiness now
Not when i was a baby
Not when i was a little girl
Memories remain
Pictures remain
And my tears drown me with pain
I felt so alone
But i loved being alone
And then suddenly i knew what alone really meant;
So then i understood what crying was really about
I broken heart,
A broken soul
A dead heart,
A dead soul
A goodbye forever
A hello to my fears
As i wake from my nightmares,
I cannot see
My eyes are shut tight
And then i became scared to open up to see
I couldnt breathe
Drenched with sweat, i was going crazy
And then i felt the tears again
Now im out of control; i bleed
The harm i force on myself,
I just want myself to leave
As i release such hateful tears,
The mirror i stare into shatters my body and makes me broken
I learned how to bleed;
I learned another way to cry
The fears have taken over now
My mind became my enemy now
The past that was broken never got repaired
Now is when I memorized what crying is
As i close my eyes i think of what i have done, what i lost, and what i continue to do
Hyperventilation,
Anxiety,
Depression,
Moodswings,
Self-mutila­tion
The tears from my childhood didnt make me understand;
It made be spoiled and silenced
Now i understand,
Now i learned
I learned how to cry the hard way
For pain
For loss
For scars
For the past
For harm
For memories
For the blood i lost when i couldnt cry anymore

His lips trap me from speaking, but he allows me to scream
As our tongues make conversation, my hair is automatically locked inside his fist
Then he showers me with his tongue until I beg him to enter
I feel my heart beating hard inside my throat as I try to catch every
breath of the pleasure that I take
Im being moved into different positions every minute
Im being detained after every pleasure
My ears are popped from the ******* of his mouth to my neck
My body is cracking from the way he positions my back
Handcuffs were a bit different this time; they were replaced with his hands
I couldn’t move, but he moved me
I couldn’t breathe, but he made me gasp for air
Those ****** noises turned a quiet house loud
I broke free of my silence, then made him deaf from my screams he brings on
Its so intense I need him to stop
The cramping in my ovaries
and the poking of my ribs
its pleasure & pain when he forcefully gives in
He still has a grip; not only on my hips, but my whole body
He holds me tight, making sure our skin stays attached
My walls inside are scratched and bleeding with pleasure  
My ****** is bruised and scarred with ******
I gave up on trying to catch my breath
I only wanted to suffocate sexually even more
Those bedsheets make it even harder to breathe under while he’s taking control

I start off being sober
I start off being normal
I start off being myself
I slowly drink to try and lose feeling
I slowly drink to relax
I slowly drink to change
I slowly drink to feel different
I continue to drink to slowly lose feeling
I continue to drink to slowly relax
I continue to drink to become a different person
I continue to drink to feel good
I keep drinking completely be numb
I keep drinking to completely relax
I keep drinking to be a stranger
I keep drinking to feel amazing
Im drinking to get rid of all the pain
Im drinking to change into a person who i dont know
Im drinking to change my mind
Im drinking to make mistakes
Im drinking to walk into another world
Im drinking to hope things will go back to normal
Im drinking to stop my nerves from shaking
Im drinking to take over depression
Im drinking,
To relax.
Im drinking,
To feel different.
Im drinking to do stupidity.
Im drinking,
To doze off.
Im drinking,
To forget.
To forget about all these problems.
& so Im trying to run away from them.

Do you ever just try and give up on taking that hard,
tasteless candy that controls your mind
You want to stop just to see if you can control yourself
with nothing stabilizing your insides
But then those withdrawals of being calm;
To feel life again, & not to be numb
But then you know its fake;
The good behaviour, & no more mistakes
The anxiety; gone, the moodswings went calm
The self conscious had been forgotten about,
& no more of the addiction to self-harm
Those worries within, & those darkest fears
No more love for being alone, & no more nightmares
I saw what that tasteless candy can do
It made me change, & unlocked my room
The mind has been ruined, tortured & abused
The heart has been broken, thrown around, & used
Even though the high milligrams corrected my mind
I wasn’t the one who actually changed myself inside

There were many times I loved my fears more than feeling safe
There were many times I never showed love, only hate
There were many times I worshipped my nightmares over my dreams
There were many times I chose insomnia instead to sleep
There were many times I put aside my happiness only to be angry
There were many times I put myself in danger to please my anxiety
There were many times I needed that alcohol; bring drunk over sober
There were many times I left home to reveal all kinds of exposure
There were many times I chose the knife over my friends
There were many times I wanted to call it quits, before starting the meds

Anxiety gets disguised by that hard breathing you pressure my body to do;
That ****** feeling you created in my mind;
That locked door that I opened up inside
You broke my old chains and replaced them with your own
Now the thing thats locked, wont let my body go
I lay there with marks
created with your mouth, your teeth; like permanent scars
Inside my blood boils
Inside my veins explode
Inside my bones grow brittle
Then thats when i learned to choke
I felt your hands underneath me,
Making sure you grabbed what was yours
I felt you go deeper,
Making my body pour
Now I felt that anxiety,
The one you made disappear
Its back; only stronger
But I wanted it near
My breathing didn’t worry you;
You watched me hyperventilate while you were on top,
That anxiety became louder,
It was a worry begging you not to stop

My lock was finally unlocked
My door was finally open
My walls were finally knocked down
My floor was finally broken apart
My room was finally torn
That lock to my door opened a room full of walls
that you stepped into while exploring what you can do
You unlocked my clothes
You opened my legs
You ruptured my ******
You damaged my pelvic floor
My body was a room
that was kept tidy for a strong one
Those weak ones couldn’t even mess up my hair
Then finally those ****** dreams turned into reality
when you placed those kisses on both of my lips
I wanted my body weak; not being able to handle you
That floor that held my pelvis,
couldn’t hold the ****** any longer

I had a sweet tooth for awhile;
A crave that wouldn’t leave
I was impatiently waiting to undress a wrapper
that was made from material,
a straw made from skin,
and a bottle made from a body
My sweet tooth turned into thirst
Thirst for that sugary drink that waits for its release
The darkness locked the door
Appearing naked; to throw my knees to the floor
His hands were my hair-tie;
And made sure his eyes weren’t blind
He viewed me close like a movie
Parted were my lips;
I started giving him that upside down kiss
The floor of my mouth was walked on
My tongue detached from me
My lips became numb
My tonsils got inflamed
My throat became scratched
I swallowed, but it wasn’t food

My chest is so heavy, and i feel like my heart is going to fall
My skin is cold, numb; and i feel nothing at all
And then i feel a puddle; its my tears
that i had made myself sink
Im gasping for air, and i feel nothing except water that keeps pushing me in
I feel like im being dragged to the floor
Like a chain attached to my heart and i can no longer unlock the door
My eyes are closing, they are burning inside
The portraits of pain has made me gone blind
Im so weak within my body;
I fell; noone to catch me
I lay here on the floor and i scream for help so suddenly
Alone; noone around
Noone is near, noone hears my loud mouth
My heart dropped its beat on the ground
Now i cannot hear; im deaf from the loud sound
Like a speaker that blew;
I exploded, and my heart did too
It happened; i broke,
I shattered, my heart spoke
I bled, im on the ground
Im done, no more being dragged down

So fragile
I dont want to move
Used to the point where im almost nothing
My mind is so tired
My body is so exhausted
One more step and ill fall
Im so shaky, im so dizzy
These thoughts that run through my head are adding stress
Im getting stretched
And soon im going to snap
Once im gone i wont come back
Pieces are slowly falling apart on me
Once i brake, im broken forever
No glue can make me whole again
No tape can attach what im losing in the end
Forced to undo myself, its hard to make myself stay
Weakness is stronger than strength
Im just fading away
My body is bending
My mind is twisting
My heart is stopping
Im going to stop breathing
My spirit wants to split
My soul is already ripping through my skin
My mind and body is slowly detaching themselves
And once im broken, im broken forever
Now im apart
Now im torn
Now im bleeding
Now im in separation from everything, everybody
The sharp air pierces my spirit
The sharp wind pierces my soul
The sharp negativity pierces my mind
The sharp knife pierces my skin
Now im in two pieces
One is gone forever

I wanna be glued to the ground,
So I never get up.
I wanna be covered up,
So noone would find me.
I see a beautiful family.
I see a beautiful life.
I just want my eyes to be glued together.
I just want my brain to be focused on the positivity.
I just want my heart to be happy.
I just want my tears to stay inside my body.
I wanna stay in the bed and just breathe slowly.
I wanna shut my mouth and just allow my dreams to talk for me.
I just wanna break the silence thats coming outside of my room.
I just wanna build a wall in front of all my fears;
& all my worry.
I just wanna restart my life;
& end it with hurtless things.
I wanna just ignore the real world around me;
& focus on the fake world within me.
I dont wanna ever open my eyes.
Or else things will go back to being abnormal.
& I just wanna stop seeing the truth.
& just focus on my dreams.
So if i could just keep my eyes closed forever,
I can live happy again.

I felt restless, anxious, stressed, & weak
My body felt stiff & held up a guard to protect me
I always looked out for myself; from one particular enemy
I tried chasing it away, but then it returned
I had frequent visits; inside the mirror, during the day, & in my sleep
Insomnia always striked me
I wanted peace, but I always feared the darkness
The darkness inside
The darkness in my nightmares
The darkness all around
I was looking for a solution to make myself leave; to make my mind get squeezed; to make my body at ease
So then I tried to replace these hallucinations with alcohol, then I drowned
Tried to replace this depression with a razor, then I bled out
Tried to replace this anxiety by constantly staying up all night, then my body gave out
I tried to replace this mind by looking for a cure from myself,
Then when I saw that it was too late; I was already broken,
Nothing was able to save me; my last resort was the milligrams from a fake candy
It was supposed to tranquilize this mind,
Freeze this brain,
& calm these nerves
But not even a pill was strong enough to fight against my invisible twin

The words of truth make me scream until i cry
I can no longer hear anymore
I can no longer speak anymore
Now i wont use my words anymore
My body seems to be the one in charge
Im a disguised stranger;
And i look inside a broken mirror
The pieces that shattered has broken me
I fell apart and disappeared
With the blood on the floor
I slipped and lay on the ******
I created a scene so deep
Inside my mind, im weak
But the weakness strengthened me to harm..
I have been injected with strength
And then the force takes over my body
I dont wanna scream anymore
So i raise my hands at my throat
I dont wanna run away anymore
So i put my feet in front of myself for me to fall
I dont wanna feel anymore
So i numbed myself with sharp edges
I dont wanna cry anymore
So i guide my fingers to scratch my eyes
I dont wanna be hurt anymore
But i wanted to feel it all over again

I created episodes like you would see on a tv show;
but mine were real
I became crazy like you would see in a thriller movie;
but my moodswings wasnt an act
I cried like you would see a baby in tears;
But i was hurting
I screamed like you would see in a horror film;
But my fears and demons are chasing me
I was out of control like you would see in an action movie
But my actions wouldnt lie
i would be silent like you would see in a mute person;
But my voice wont allow me to speak
I wouldnt listen like you would see a deaf person;
But my ears wont allow me to hear
I couldnt look like you would see a blind person;
But my eyes wouldnt allow me to see
I couldnt breathe like you would see a heart stop;
But my lungs kept me hyperventilating with anxiety
I became distant like you would see miles away;
but i actually disappeared

I kept myself in the darkness when i was scared
I wanted it to be darker so i couldnt see
If i opened my eyes in the light i saw every single wrong,
And every single mistake

I cant turn the time backwards but i can turn my back
I cant close the doors but i can close my eyes
I cant run away but i can chase my fears
I cant fight but i can harm
I cant erase but i can disappear

I cant forget but i try to ignore
I cant dream but i try to deal with the nightmares
I cant stop the pain but i try to heal
I cant stop hyperventilating but i try to breathe
I cant stop the anger but i try to lower my heart rate
I cant stop crying but i try to wipe away my tears

I tried to then everything around but in the end i actually turned it upside down
Even though i found different ways of coping, it never mattered anymore.
It was all darkness with a little nightlight on; and i was barely seeing

It wants to move
But the mind wants it to freeze
It wants to talk
But the mind wants to be mute
It wants to hear
But the mind wants to ignore
It wants to see
But the mind wants to be blind
It wants happiness
But the mind wants depression
It wants to escape
But the mind makes it a prisoner
It wants to run
But the mind wants to make it stop
It wants strength
But the mind creates weakness
It wants change
But the mind wants to stay the same
It wants freedom
But the mind wont let it escape
It wants to yell for help
But the mind blocks the sound
It wants to reach out
But the mind creates a cage
It wants to open the door
But the mind puts on a lock
It wants to forget
But the mind brings back torture
It wants to remember
But the mind erases the positive
It wants to close the wounds
But the mind forces them to stay open
I want it all to stop once and for all
But my mind is not letting go
I want peace
But the mind wants me fight
And so i continue the fight
Because I havent won yet

A kiss can turn into something dangerous if its in the dark
A tongue is like an instructor, showing me how I need to start
You tear off my clothes, then grasp my hips
I rip off your shirt, then I made your jeans up-zip
Your lips met my body, marking up my skin
Your tongue showered me, then found its way in
Losing grip in my hands, but my legs choked you
I felt weak when I couldn’t stop you
The intensity made me squirm; I couldn’t breathe
Finally I felt your whole body on top of me
I was strapped to the bed, waiting for that
moment where I cant hold on
That moment you constantly use your lips, body, & tongue
You showed me something new in the mirror
You made me focus when you whispered your plan in my ear
When you start, I tell you not to stop
I knew how to yell, but you make me scream when you hit the spot
You made me feel that pleasure, and rolled my eyes back
Felt myself drowsy, dizzy, and relaxed

I was burnt with no scars
Inside I felt a craving that made my heart race
I needed oxygen from your mouth
But wanted your lips all over me
Your hands shielded my body after your tongue covered me
My heart was weak; I was breathless,
and then I couldn’t see
I saw while my eyes were shut;
Feeling your body from under the
sheet
I felt each touch, each kiss, each lick
You were my ride, while I was your siren
I screamed at every flame you inflicted on me
I got frustrated when your tongue started to leave
I waited impatiently for a naked body to show
You were the last to undress, but the first to make me moan
You controlled my volume, my liquid, and my temperature
It became hotter when it was harder
It was burning when it became faster
He felt that warmth inside me and wanted to cure what I was craving
His body was like a piece of ice; just quenching me
My heart became stable
My breathing slowed down
My body was cooler after you turned the heat down
I had a burn inside me;
Then the ice suddenly made me cold
Finally drenched;
I was put out with your wild hose

So tired of remembering
So tired of trying to think
So tired of knowing the truth
So tired of feeling sick
I can hardly speak,
If im mumbling
I can hardly breathe,
If im hyperventilating
I can hardly hear,
If there is static
I can hardly see,
If its blurry
I cant talk,
But i scream
I cant breathe,
But i get anxious
I cant hear,
But i hear the truth
I cant see,
But i see only myself
My moods
My fears
My actions
My words
My nightmares
My thoughts
My mind is never heard
Im violent
Im hurting
Im out of control
Im in danger
Im drowning
Im losing my soul
Noone liked me
My attitude ******
Noone understood me
My moods were ****** up
Everyone tried
I pushed them away
Everyone was scared
But they forced themselves to stay
I fought myself and i lost
I tried to swim in my tears and i drowned
I tried to put together my broken pieces but i lost them
I tried to be friends with myself and i gave up
I couldnt undo myself
I couldnt accept myself
I couldnt look at myself
I couldnt control myself
Until i injected myself
Until i repaired myself
Until i fixed myself
Until i finally helped myself
It helps to speak
It helps to breathe
It helps to hear
It helps to see
It helps to be calm
It helps to be alert
It helps to be clear
It helps to be understood
Im forced to be stable towards myself
Im medicated

I met a liquid
Then i met my other side
This is a story
When i made myself sink
This is a story
When my only hobby was to drink
I was too sober to focus
And when i was intoxicated,
I was aware
But aware to harm
Aware not to care
I peer pressured myself to change
And brainwashed my heart to bleed
The pain;
The darkness.
I never saw the light until the bright liquid opened my eyes
I fell in love
My first love ever
I just knew i didnt need anyone else;
Anything else
I didnt mind the taste, or burn
Because i never felt a thing
As it traveled down my throat,
It cured my screams
As it traveled through my lungs
I was able to breathe
As it traveled through my veins,
All the pain was gone
But as it stayed within my body,
Thats when i lost control
I didnt care
I didnt think
I wanted more
This was an obsession
I became a danger to myself and other people
I didnt care
I didnt think
I wanted to feel all my pain disappear
And so i wanted to be taken advantage of
Drank to make all my pain go away
Drank to forget
Drank to bleed
Drank myself to sleep
And i loved a bottle more then i loved anyone else

Never thought I would receive such heart-breaking news
That I was unable to choose
That you couldnt be rescued
Never thought your heart would grow weak
That you would forever sleep
That you and God would meet
Never thought my heart would break
That I knew this was all a big mistake
That God had to take
Never thought the day would go by
That you would fly
That I would cry
Never thought that I would lose
That the devil was accused
That my heart is now bruised
Never thought that I would feel this pain
That I became insane
But heaven has gained...
An angel
Mother Queen of Angels
My beautiful angel
Your daughter cries on...

I felt a cold sensation on my neck that travelled to my stomach
From your hands to your mouth, it travelled below my waist
My lungs breathed cold air from the ice that you controlled
I shivered sexually on the bed naked as you continued to melt the ice cubes on my body
I needed a warm sensation to heat my body
I needed your body to cover me
With your lips, you warmed my frostbites
With your hands, you held my wrists tight
With your tongue, you caught every cold drip
With your hands, my hips quenched your grip
My body is cold & wet
My clothes have disappeared and are drenched
You melted a solid down my body
You wanted to see me go crazy

Painted with a smile;
My frown is whats permanent.
Painted with strength;
My weakness is whats permanent.
Painted with happiness;
My depression is whats permanent.
Painted with beauty;
My ugliness is whats permanent.
Painted with sober;
Drunkenness is whats permanent.
Painted with stability;
My dizziness is whats permanent.
Painted with relaxation;
Nervousness is whats permanent.
Painted with ease;
Stress & anxiety is whats permanent.
Painted with a map in my hands;
Confusion is whats permanent.
Painted myself all over again;
But how I look,
How I act,
How I express myself;
Is whats permanent.

We can only pretend
We can only remember
We can never forget
All thats left is pictures
And its the only image of you i can see
All thats left is a movie & tapes
And its the only voice of you i can hear
All thats left are treasures
And i hold them close to me
All thats left is gifts
And i will never give away
All thats left is your table
And its where you are alive to me
All thats left is tears
And that will never stop
All thats left is memories
And memories never fade
All thats left is my voice
Because i know i cant hear you speak
All thats left is my eyes
Because i know i cant look at you see
All thats left is my ears
Because i know i cant see you listening
All thats left is the mind
And i will never stop thinking of you
All thats left is a mirror
And i see you when i stare inside
All thats left is the sky
And its the only closest way to heaven
All thats left is flowers & small things
And its the only gift i can give
All thats left is a tombstone
And its the only closeness i will ever be to you
All thats left is goodbyes
And then it starts all over again
But it always will end with tears so all thats left is memories
And it never escapes my mind

Do you ever just try and give up on taking that hard,
tasteless candy that controls your mind
You want to stop just to see if you can control yourself
with nothing stabilizing your insides
But then those withdrawals of being calm;
To feel life again, & not to be numb
But then you know its fake;
The good behaviour, & no more mistakes
The anxiety; gone, the moodswings went calm
The self conscious had been forgotten about,
& no more of the addiction to self-harm
Those worries within, & those darkest fears
No more love for being alone, & no more nightmares
I saw what that tasteless candy can do
It made me change, & unlocked my room
The mind has been ruined, tortured & abused
The heart has been broken, thrown around, & used
Even though the high milligrams corrected my mind
I wasn’t the one who actually changed myself inside

I feel that I need to ask to live my life
I feel that I need to ask to do what I want
I feel that I need to ask to go where I want
I feel that I need to ask to be the person I want to be
I feel that I need to ask for my own space
I feel that I need to ask for forgiveness; even though I've done nothing wrong
I feel that I need to ask to speak
I feel that I need to ask to see
I feel that I need to ask questions
I feel that I need to obey all the rules
I feel that I need to be fake to certain people
I feel that Im being watched
I feel that Im being spied on
I feel that Im being threatened
I feel that Im being judged
I feel that Im being yelled at too many times
I feel that Im a prisoner
I feel that Im a puppet on strings
I feel that Im a dog on a tight, strict leash
I feel that Im a butterfly without her wings
I feel that Im a monkey in a cage; waiting to be unleashed
i feel the need to tell people off
I feel the need to get revenge
I feel the need to defend myself
I feel the need to yell back
I feel the need to confront certain people
I feel the need to hospitalize myself...
Because I dont think Im allowed to breathe

Unclothed, he throws me down
I feel a force that I just wont say no to
Then I feel a stinging on my neck,
That made me put scratches down his back
Suddenly is reach was fast as those silver rings tighten around my wrists
He made sure that he was the one in control as his lips travelled on my skin
His head kept getting lower
My heart rate only got faster
He was making me wait by teasing
The ******* of his tongue tricked me
I wanted the ******* of whats under his clothes
But I just wasn’t allowed to move
I wanted to undo his clothes like he undid mine
Why the punishment for making me wait
He wanted the screams;
Silence was full of hate
It wasnt a game anymore
He finally covered the floor with his clothes
I heard a whisper;
“The game hasn’t even started”
Then finally I felt the bed move
I felt my body indented
I felt my skin covered
I felt my blood boiling
I felt my heart rate rise
And my screams got louder
My belly button had been touched from the inside;
And I felt him digging through a cave that is secret from the world
He was all up in my ribs

My lipstick disappeared and rubbed on his lips
while his hands invited themselves underneath my clothes
I felt the pinches made from his mouth
He left his marks all over my neck
I bled inside, and it showed on my skin
He grabbed those bright furry bracelets, then placed them on me
Tighten them on my wrists, then climbed on top of my body
I felt a strong pull below my waist
There was only visible piece of cloth that stayed
The sparkly red string put me in danger
He used all his strength so that I screamed louder
My coloured nails dug into his back
The marks that matched my neck,
the cuffs,
the string,
and my nails got intense
once we both couldn’t take no more

Left behind
Left alone
Left to worry
Left to run
Left to hide
Left to disrespect
Left confused
Left to be abused
Left to be forgotten
Left in the darkness
Left in silence
Left in distress
Left to be trapped
Left to cry,
& drown in tears which fall from the eyes.

This is where i got struck
Through my body i pierced myself with negativity
This is where i lay
Unable to get up;
Unable to find the strength
This is where i lost my mind;
It was just so easy to turn the other side
This is where i always cried;
Tragic losses and my place to run & hide
This is where i lost my breath;
Trapped within the hypertension anxiety
This is where i dreamt the nightmares;
Choking in the night and the fear i wish left behind
This is where i became frozen
The past moved closer to me and caused my mind to be still
This is where my mistakes were made
I moved before i thought and then in the end i felt the pain
This is where i hurt
Dangerous actions when i taught myself how to bleed the right way
This is where i was intoxicated
Erasing my memories;
And the past that haunts me
This is where i gave up
I lost it all;
Until i began again
This is where i stand
Im finally up but the pieces still remain

I made my hands strong when everyone was weak
I was my own seduction when I couldnt sleep
Slithering like a snake on my skin
When the lights were out,
I let myself in
I was the only one to handle myself
Everyone else, I sent to hell
I kissed the darkness
I stripped the mirror
I dripped & got soaked; looking like tears

I found who can handle me
Its more than my hand
I cut off the boys, and showed myself to a man
Now Im the one thats weak;
My strength was taken
He was my weakness the minute we were naked
Now he takes care of my dryness
Hes the one that gets me wet
He closed my eyes
And relaxed me to the  bed
I didnt need myself
Myself didnt need me
I didnt needt to give myself the attention anymore
Because he is now in charge of my screams
I fell in love with his ways
And the ******* I felt
I turned my life when I made real love with a man
And not myself

The roses revealed such a wild scent;
It made us relax,
Before we got excited.
& it was so quiet.
Our hands did all the talking in silence.
Our clothes ended up ****** our souls.
Our minds just forced our bodies on eachother.
It was just too easy to give in.
The air was like piercing thorns,
That allowed us to bleed sweat upon eachother.
The walls were yelling down to the floor.
The floor was yelling up to the bed,
To take us in.
The bed finally answered after watching our eyes,
Stare with strong excitement.
Teasing our bodies.
Teasing our minds.
The bed was calling to get blessed.
The bed had the jaws of a shark,
Waiting to pull us in.
My body was suddenly carried;
His arms were forced to touch me.
And then I was saved;
As the bed catches my body,
As Im thrown down.
I felt the air from his mouth to my ear.
His whispers were no secrets.
His responses left me no choice;
Theres no turning back.
My whispers were answering back to him;
I gave my body to him.
Ripped from our bodies,
Our clothes were tossed on the floor from eachothers hands.
Our skin was finally revealed through the air.
& it became so hot.
The walls cracked.
The floor broke.
The bed got beaten.
It must have been a sin,
Because it felt so good.
It must have been wrong,
Because we couldnt stop.
Your starvation for my body,
I fed you.
My dehydration for your body,
You quenched my thirst.
All the tension,
All the weakness,
All the strength,
All the energy,
Was released onto the bed.
& it was drenched with sweat.
& it was ***** with our bodies.
& it was beaten with our hands.
& it was completed with pleasure.
The strength within you.
Showed me what you were about.
The strength within me,
Showed you what I was about.
The energy between us,
Stripped the room with great pleasure of ****** activity.
The innocence of the bed has been finally broken with guilt.
& the sheets were brutally shattered.
It was so dark.
But so light to see what had happened.

This day was too quick
Too quick for my tears to finish
"Lets go see your mother,"
He said to me
I wasnt stupid
Pretended i was fine, my quiet voice responded "ok"
I knew this was the last day
I knew this was the last night
My heart beating,
I was afraid.
My blood boiling,
I was nervous.
Alive, there she was
But so broken
So fragile
So fair
And then i saw her weakness
There was so little time
A blank page i had to write,
There were no words to express the feeling within me
I kissed her softly
She who was only able to see
She who had limited amounts of breathing
She who was unable to speak
My voice entered her
What do you say to a dying heart?
What do you say to a damaged soul?
What do you do when you have to ****** strength or miracle to give?
I just wanted to feel her pain
Because my pain was too little
Her suffering forced our eyes to stay open;
Wishing God would change his plan
Doctor arrived;
So what does this mean?
And then suddenly everyone but me was in another room
I just forced myself in
And the news that i got shocked me
And the news that i got tortured me
And the news that i got already killed me to be partnered with her soul
But i needed to be prepared to be strong;
Especially for my poor sisters
There was no time for tears
Time was running out
I stayed by her side
Forced to watch her suffer with pain;
It hurt so bad when she was trying to explain just one word
Breathing;
She wasnt breathing normally
I couldnt take it anymore
I knew what was going to happen
But i didnt know when
Stupid me,
I had ran out the door;
Screaming
Crying
Becoming crazy
I just wanted to be alone
Stupid me,
I missed her last goodbye
Her last breath was watched by others and not me
I missed my beautiful angel's breath leave her body
I didnt ****** stay by her side
The time should have been frozen
And i regret it all !
And then those hurtful words from nonno into the telephone;
Telling loved ones,
"Shes GONE"

When the air usually passes through,
But then suddenly its hard to breathe
I feel it in my chest the pressure
I can feel my heart just pounding
The dizziness arrives
And thats when my strength fades away
I can no longer hold onto myself
Im falling as i slip away
I cannot swallow
I just wanna exhale all my fears
Theres something in my throat
The anxiety just wont go down
I keep forgetting
I keep messing up
The confusion gets the best of me
My brain is just freezing over
Like a tree with no leaves, all my pieces shook themselves and fell onto the ground
The pieces to my body broke apart from me
I felt every struggle as i try to open my lungs
As i hyperventilate i feel the suffocation choking me
I want these invisible hands to break away from my throat

The beginning of a soft kiss always turns into something more
The soft touch is deceiving;
It turns into a bite
That bite leaves you marked until his hands begin to
tickle down your body
A tickle turns into a grab
That grab hold you until he undresses you aggressively
His aggressiveness takes control with a push on the bed
His push allows you to crave
whats next,
but he makes you wait
His hands lock you tight;
That tightness made sure you didn’t move
He wanted all that energy, all that control
Then he got rough as he entered your cave
Trying to breathe, the pulling of your hair;
slightly cuts off the air and you struggle  to scream
That pulling turned to squeezing;
his hands around your neck
as he goes deeper; as he went harder
He finally hurts you internally
…That beautiful pain;
Lets do that soft kiss again

I created a dance floor that only you can step into
I created a party that is only for two people
Close that booth & enter a stage full of experiences
A stage that soon becomes our movie to be played into a reflection
I hired you as my personal dj
Cover this floor with our clothes;
there are no rules
Strip me on top of your turn table
so that my vocal chords begin to fill the room
Turn the lights off to only connect that disco ball
that shines around my wrists
Now use my body as a microphone;
place those lips all over me
The beat is hard; let’s keep playing music
Allow that smoke to flow on the windows; on the mirrors;
its our breath
Place your hands below my waist & dj me till I start to shake
This club is on all night;
I’m staying open late
Turn my body on
Turn our volume loud
Your glow stick handles the rest
So dance inside me
Your ears are the speakers; make me scream loud

When i used to say goodnight,
I saw you in the morning
When i used to say im leaving,
I came back while you were there
When i used to call you on the phone,
Your voice would always be on the other side
When i used to go out,
You would stay up until i got home
When i went to bed,
I would wake up to see you still sleeping
When i used to smell your cooking,
You would always make enough for an army
When i used to say goodbye to you,
I said hello when i came home

I cant hear your goodnights anymore
I cant hear your goodmornings anymore
I cant talk to you on the phone anymore
I cant see you sleeping anymore
I cant smell your cooking anymore
I cant hear your hellos anymore
because i never thought i would ever be forced to say goodbye..

I felt you on my skin
and you wouldn’t leave till you got what you wanted
You landed on top of me so quietly
I only felt a tickle that made me want something more
You started to make my blood boil,
Then changed my heart rate
My neck was poked from your teeth
till you wrapped your mouth around my skin
You covered every inch of my body; poking different levels of excitement
Anxiety starts in my blood; pacing through my veins
You had me itching for something more
I lay there *******, marked up, & irritated
You left the room, keeping me waiting
The tension is intense because I’ve been anticipating  
Your teeth marked everywhere below my chin
Your mouth made a redness & heated my skin
You finally appeared with a cure to my bites
You forced a pressure on a my body
You forced a puncture to remain inside me
I anticipated the whole day
Now you poked me in a different way