My throat is clogged
And then my chest is tight
My hands are numb
And then my fingers tingle
My ears are ringing
And then my eardrums close
My eyes are tired
And then my eyeballs burn
My mouth is open
And then my tongue is dry
Im hyperventilating
And then i feel to faint
My body is exhausted from no sleep
Dehydrated without liquids
Weak without food
And this appetite that disappears only comes when im forced to swallow the anxiety; as i try to run away from it
Im shaky
I feel my legs are going to give out
I thought i got stronger
But my mind only made me weaker
And now i have to learn how to function all over again
My heart is beating so fast
I can hear it inside my ears
When my blood is boiling, my temperature rises
Im drenched in the sweat that got me choking on my own air
Through my lungs, i feel like everything has been blocked
It unblocks only when i open my mouth to hyperventilate
But then i swallow my own fears

A flower bloomed so nice
Full of life
Full of colour
The stem was strong and so were the pedals
Opening the clothing to show its glow
But then every flower dies at one point in life
My legs gave out and then i wilted over
My colour had gone brown
My skin had marks as it tore
My bones became so brittle
My insides became so dehydrated
Then my heart grew so weak
My air was the wind; just breathing so hard
My lungs couldnt handle it anymore so i just hyperventilated
I felt all my pieces to my body shake
It was like i was being blown around;
And then the dizziness started
A trail of pedals had marked up the floor
The pedals attached, were the parts that i will have to search for
I took my pedals off one by one
And they came off so easily because i was weak
My pieces broke off fast
I ripped them off so angrily
And then they all just fell to the ground
I tried to water myself with my tears but it was too late
I cannot grow anymore
I cannot replant what already died
I cannot change how my body didnt survive

I allowed myself to leave
I left without a sound
I shut the door and locked it
I turned everything upside down
Grieve;
I continue to have sorrow
Thoughts;
I continue to be dangerous
Silence;
I continue to hide
Weakness;
I continue to fight
Memories;
I continue to think
Pain;
I continue to experience my hurts
I wanna wash it all away
I wanna move it all away
I wanna let it all out
I wanna let myself go
If i wash away my wounds will it burn?
If i wash away my thoughts will my memories erase?
If i wash my fears away will my nightmares continue?
If i wash everything with my tears will it all disappear?
If i drown myself in my tears will all the pain go away?..

When the air usually passes through,
But then suddenly its hard to breathe
I feel it in my chest the pressure
I can feel my heart just pounding
The dizziness arrives
And thats when my strength fades away
I can no longer hold onto myself
Im falling as i slip away
I cannot swallow
I just wanna exhale all my fears
Theres something in my throat
The anxiety just wont go down
I keep forgetting
I keep messing up
The confusion gets the best of me
My brain is just freezing over
Like a tree with no leaves, all my pieces shook themselves and fell onto the ground
The pieces to my body broke apart from me
I felt every struggle as i try to open my lungs
As i hyperventilate i feel the suffocation choking me
I want these invisible hands to break away from my throat

I try to move but i cant find the strength
I cut myself deep and now i bleed the pain out
I cant function and i dont know where to focus
Im reaching out but everything is just so far away
My body is slowly giving up
Everything is moving away
Inside myself i feel it all crack
All i ever had, is now hard to get back
I feel it all disappearing
All the damage is breaking me
My fears are all taking over me
I wanna escape the darkness
But the darkness is inside me
Im actually going nowhere..
Im slowly losing myself
Im being stretched as i try to think
And im being torn as i try to repair my pieces
My muscles are tense
And then they become knotted
My blood is thinning out
And then it escapes
My veins are shot
And then they snap
My bones are weak
And then they shatter
My heart is giving up
And then it breaks
I lost strength
I feel empty
I lost feeling
I feel the dizziness
I lost interest
I feel different
I lost my mind
I feel nothing.

I felt closed in as a tried to breathe
I couldnt walk without tripping over my own feet
In a room full of anger;
A room full of emptiness.
But in the dark i was able to see better
And because i saw in the dark,
I saw what i didnt wanna see
I heard what i didnt wanna hear
And i breathed how i didnt wanna breathe
I saw my fears
I heard the noises
I saw the flashbacks
I heard my screams
I felt my chest so tight
The darkness showed me reality
And in the light, everything was hidden
I searched for answers
Answers that i needed to find
My questions were always ignored
I couldnt help myself when i was blind
My arms tried to feel around to see if there was anything sharp to pierce the pain
And then i found my way to quiet my tears
A way that i can no longer hear my screams
I cannot see the danger
I can only feel my fears
If i try to seek the light , i know i will get burned
I stay in the darkness and i see everything
My fears
My memories
My habits
My weakness
My struggles
My emotions
The mirror, in pieces

I wasnt hungry but i starved
I wasnt thirsty but i was dehydrated
I wasnt cold but i was frozen
I wasnt hot but i burned up
I wasnt talking but i screamed
I wasnt listening but i heard
I wasnt seeing but i noticed
I wasnt moving but i was fighting myself
I wasnt breathing but i hyperventilated
I wasnt eating so i swallowed my fears
I wasnt drinking so i drank all the poison
I wasnt keeping warm so i fell in the fire
I wasnt cooling down so i broke the ice on my body
I wast keeping quiet so i zipped my mouth shut
I wasnt plugging my ears so i went deaf
I wasnt turning away so i went blind
I wasnt backing down so i bled myself to sleep
I wast controlling my breathing so i started to confuse it all
Over and over again..

A group in the middle of a word called fun
But then that word only lasted for so long..
Strangers in the darkness
Strangers that noone was able to describe
The twisted minds of the killers
That took away his life
The darkness that blinded the eyes
The silence that blinded the ears
The noises that blinded the voices
When the fun had suddenly disappeared
Up standing to not back down
But then on the ground thats where he was forced to stay
Up standing to defend again
Then again on the ground he lay
Suddenly with force, he accepted all the pain
The hours went by
Then a sudden shock zapped at their lives
Sad faces; just drowning in their tears
They had hoped that it was just a bad nightmare
The reality was real
And it also pierced everyone's hearts
So broken
So empty
No words to express what they feel
The only words they knew was that "this isnt real"
A million questions but starting with the same word
Why him?
Why did this happen?
Why would someone do this?
Why take someones life?
Why did this day come
Just why
Family so strong
Friends so strong
But the tears were stronger to blind the eyes of broken hearts
But then the truth, is that he suffers no more
The pain that was felt, had unlocked a door
The kind soul from his heart
The strong mind of his brain
The gentle touch of his hands
The memories that remain..
And then the door he had unlocked was the stairs in the clouds
A new angel, had made the others scream;
Happy & loud

The darkness closed my eyes and made me go blind
Then i saw everything i feared inside of my head
My nightmares had me scared and then my heart suddenly raced
Once the nightmares were actually true, i started to hyperventilate
I felt all my anxiety as i tried to undo the strangulation
But i didnt know whats strangling me
I didnt know whats squeezing me
The darkness is all around me
Now my fears are bothering me
My thoughts wont leave me
My thoughts want me bleeding
Im trying to save myself from unbreathing
Im feeling my heart jump as i try to calm my nerves
Im feeling my breathing stop as i open my mouth and try to scream
Im feeling my eyes pop as i try to block the static
Im feeling my skin move as i try to sew my pieces back together
Im feeling my bones break as i try to hold myself together
Im black & blue
Im cold but im numb
Im broken & shattered
Im hyperventilating but im choking
Im scared & lost
Im fighting but im struggling
Im losing & its tiring
Im giving up but i wanna break off my fears from my neck

When my bones turned brittle
When my veins turned to frost
When my skin turned pale
When my heart turned black
When my mind turned to ice
I froze over and slipped away
I slid into walls that i couldnt tear down
I slid into cages that i couldnt escape from
I slid into a doors that i couldnt unlock
I slid through paths that i got lost
I slid through fire that i got burned
I slid through glass that cut me and started to bleed
I slid through the air and then i fell with no protection
I slid through a wire that i lost all my strength when i couldnt hold on any longer
Inside my nightmare, im living in fear
Inside my mind, im drowning in tears
Inside my body, i cannot get out
Inside myself, i faded away

I never understood why i couldnt get up
I never understood why i had no strength
I was knocked down by an invisible force, waiting for me to break
And i did break
I broke into pieces
There was no sand to protect me
Just rocks & glass that pierced through me
The sun burned me and left me with darkness until I drowned
Drowned from a rain so cold;
As i constantly hit ground
Again and again i tore open my scars
I bleed with no ending
My stitches turned to dust
I was shaken so much that my head lost reality
I became abnormal and then i went into a dark world
My mind left me insane;
I felt the cold liquid again
My body all drenched with the force once again
I felt that water through me again
And then i find myself fighting..
Its so unknown when i try to think
My mind gets blanked out
Its so unknown when i try to speak
My throat chokes me
Its so unknown when i try to listen
My ears get plugged
Its so unknown when i try to see
My eyes are shut tight
Its so unknown when i try to breathe
Im drowning now

An anxious feeling, that i dont wanna feel
I just wish this all wasnt real
The happiness suddenly fails, and and now my emotions weigh me down
My heart pounds as i try to breathe
My mind is confused as i try to see
I cant talk
I cant mov
I cant hear
All the images that keep rewinding,
Waits to play when im in peace
Im bothered again
And then im disturbed
I cant focus because its all so real
Im underneath the covers as i start to choke & tear
Im hyperventilating
Im so dizzy with all my fears
When the darkness hits, the light just dies
Suddenly i feel my body all wet
Im un-dry as my eyes drip
The salt burns me
The water drowns me
Im drowning in my own pool of tears
Memories never fade
Memories are to cry
Scars are always visible
Scars can never hide
Cuts keep reappearing
Cuts were never healed
Im forever bleeding
The wounds never got sealed

I gathered everything that scared me and i tried to swallow it hole
I wanted to get rid of the negativity and make my fears disappear
When i couldnt swallow, i felt myself choking
One way i had to make the pain disappear, is the only way i had so i would face all my fears
My body was weakening
My body was dragging me down
I needed energy to survive
But the energy that i had was to force my conscience out
The evil was slowly taking from me
So then i had to trade my goodness goodbye
I swallowed a knife that made me bleed
But then it took away all my depression and anxiety
I swallowed the alcohol that made me forget
And then it took away the past & regrets
I swallowed the pleasure that made me relaxed
And then it took away my anger & my stress
I swallowed the mirror to search for myself
And then it reflected on what i was actually about
I ate the truth
I choked on the challenges
I spit out the fears
But now ive ****** all the strength outta me

I opened a wound that i was unable to close
And with the open cut, i couldnt continue to breathe
I learned how to fight without any weapons
And the only weapon i had was my heart that lost it all
I tried to stay calm but my nerves shocked me like a wire
Im burning inside as this wound keeps tearing me apart
Im bleeding outside as my body slowly breaks
And with no strength my bones turn brittle and i start to shake
My heart pounds from the wound that wont heal;
And i just cant make it close
Through the years i loved the pain
The dizziness weighs me down as i stare at the puddle of blood
Inside the liquid, i see my reflection;
A reflection of the damage of what i have done
I should have left it alone
I shouldnt have let it all go
I should have blocked off my mind
I shouldnt have made my heart cry
I lost it all when i opened myself
I lost it all when i didnt listen
I lost it all when i ignored my heart
I lost it all when i created an open wound
And open cut that wont leave because i always wanted it to stay
I got used to all the pain that i went completely numb
I kept trying to find feeling again
But i was so in love with my enemy that brought me all the darkness
The wound that wouldnt heal is still being touched by all my fears

I feel the heaviness of anxiety being pushed on me
And then im pinned down with no way of getting up
I try to grab air because my lungs are too weak
When i try to breathe, gravity pushes down on me
My heart is being squeezed and tortured
And then it pours out all the blood that once filled me
I try to drain out my mouth from the watering saliva;
That gets me choking as i try to swallow
My heart pounds;
It races fast
And then i feel the attacks come at me
And then i fight but i lose at my own battle
Im inside something and im getting no air
Im inside something that doesnt allow me to have any room to breathe
I struggle to breathe
I try to breathe
I hyperventilate knowing it wont end

I wait for a feeling that takes away the pain
I wait for a feeling that takes away the shame
I wait for a feeling to replace all the anger
I wait for a feeling to make the moods better
I wait for a feeling to feel no more anxiety
I wait for a feeling to feel less uneasy
I wait for a feeling to scare away my fears
I wait for a feeling that will prevent all my tears
I wait for a feeling that will heal my wounds
I wait for a feeling that will cover up the bruise
I wait for a feeling to erase the images that will last
I wait for a feeling to hopefully forget the past
And until i wait,
I wont ever know
And im so numb,
From the emotions that wont go

When your inside a box, you cant move
When you cant move, its because theres no holes
When the box has no holes, it will make it harder to breathe
When the water is dumped in the box, you panic
When you panic, its because your trapped
When your trapped, its because you cannot breathe
When you cannot breathe, its because your slowly drowning
The water keeps pouring inside the box that has you closed deep inside
Struggling
Fighting
You cannot breathe until the water is released
It keeps filling and your so deep inside
Deep inside a tiny room with no room to breathe
To struggle means screaming in silence
To scream silently means running with the fears that has you trapped
Closed inside with the nightmares
And your drowning with all the fears on top
They're alive while your dying
They laugh while your cry
They breathe while you lose all your air
You try to pull everyones oxygen to help your own breath
Lungs are weak
Nothing more to do then wait
Wait to see what you can conquer
And wait to see the next day
Fighting
Struggling
The lid wont come off
Fighting
Struggling
The box is too strong to receive holes
Fighting
Struggling
The box is overflowing
And its the mind thats does the drowning

I tried to leave a place that turned dark
A place that i created and the place that blocked out my heart
I tried to change but in the end
I struggled
No room to breathe
No time to see
I got lost inside my own mind and then i made myself bleed
I created bruises that stayed blue
I opened cuts that never closed
I left all the wounds alone to bleed out my hurts
Stitches werent available because i used the string to hold on
I held on tight but it snapped and i fell to the ground
When i fell i broke my bones
New wounds appeared as scars that wouldnt go away
All together i mark up my life
The blood that runs down my body tries to drown me
I try to wash away my pain with my tears
But they only drown me
Im still in bad shape
And i cannot heal the pain
My body is burning from these open wounds
There goes another story without an ending
There goes the blood that continues dripping
I question my mind about what it wants
It replies "you" and i know my heart has no say
I want it all to end
I just want these thoughts out of my head
I wanna run but my legs are weak
I wanna fight but my hands arent moving
I wanna close my eyes and open them to something new
I wanna plug my ears and then unplug them to change the truth
I wanna believe that my heart will repair
I wanna believe that my hurts arent there
But the truth is that my heart is too weak
The truth is that the mind will continue to speak

I couldnt plug my ears when the truth came into my mind
Thats when my heart was getting weak and then suddenly, i cried
The days grew heavy just like the hearts that wouldnt stay together
The pouring rain was from my eyes and wasnt from the weather
In shock i couldnt breathe
My dizziness just brought me to my knees
The pain that i needed to fall
I knew this time i lost it all
All i had and all i looked up to
All i looked at and all i spoke to
All i loved and all i followed
Was all i saw that left me in sorrow
Anxiety worsened
Hyperventilation tried to chase you
Anger erased all the happiness within me
And depression created invisible stairs
To me there was no time
The clock wasnt allowed to speak
I curse the day you were taken
I just wanted to be the one who lay peacefully
I stayed inside and closed my door
With force, i cried in silent
With rage & violence, i needed to be tamed
It was the moments i wanted the harm to be quiet
I gathered my thoughts
I gathered my tears
I gathered my memories for the time you painfully disappeared

I hear the footsteps behind me as i get startled
Then suddenly i start to use my legs as i run past my fears
Im being chased but i dont see anyone
My heart is racing but why am i running?
Im being threatened but the voices disappear
And i cannot see the person that was near
My arms are marked
My skin, it bleeds
My heart is stabbed
Im pushed on my knees
I cant get up because i was pushed
On the floor i went blind as i lose whoever is following me
Its in my house now
Im scared to make a sound
If i move, im going to fall to the ground
Now its in my room
Im being held down
Im choking from the hands that are tightly wrapped around
Am i going crazy?
Am i going insane?
I mistake the invisible for myself
The suspect is my own mind

A tunnel thats ready to move,
Im inside a dark place
I feel the tension inside my body and im preparing not to breathe
I feel the squeeze that covers my lungs
The liquid that escapes, makes a puddle of blood
My throat doesnt cooperate when i try to swallow
I choke on the past
And i hyperventilate on all the shadows
The air that i try to catch only makes me dizzy
My heart races
And my body gets heavy
Everything is getting smaller as i get weaker
My bones arent strong as my body gets tighter
Im falling over as my skin rips apart
I shattered the pieces to my heart
The tunnel is my body and its closing in on me

I turned my back so the mirror wouldnt break me
I kept my eyes open so i wouldnt see my fears
I put the alcohol away so the memories fade
I put the light on so i wouldnt have nightmares
I put the chains in front of my arms so i stop the bad habit of harm
I put a stop sign in front of my eyes so i wouldnt go through the darkness
I opened my door so i would be set free
I put a question mark in front of my mind so i find out all the answers
I faced the mirror and it shattered to pieces
I opened my eyes and i saw what fears me
I filled up the glass and kept the bottles near
I turned off the light and then my hopes & dreams disappeared
I broke through the chains and grabbed a razor
I kicked the stop sign and lost all the light
I locked my door so i would be trapped inside
I erased the question mark because ill never be able to answer to myself

I became numb because i felt every pain
I became deaf because i heard every lie
I became blind because i saw all the darkness
I became mute because i screamed at all my fears
I couldnt breathe because i started to choke
I felt every pain because i wanted to bleed
I heard every lie because i searched for the truth
I saw the darkness because i tried to find the light
I screamed at my fears because i begged them to disappear
I choked because my hands were around my throat
I wanted to bleed so i could feel what relief was
I wanted the truth because i couldnt trust myself
I wanted the light so i woulnt be so scared
I wanted my fears to disappear because i was my own enemy
I wanted my hands to squeeze everything out of me
I bled but im still not at peace
I found the truth but i still cant trust myself
I found the light but im still scared
I got rid of my fears but im still my own enemy
My hands put an end to harm but everything is still growing inside me

The racing flashbacks that i feel,
Are allowing me to want the painful past again
I grabbed a glass that i shouldnt have filled
I grabbed the keys that i shouldnt have taken out
I grabbed a knife that i shouldnt have used
I grabbed a habit that i should have refused
I silenced my past with a cover i want to take off
I hid my secrets under a blanket i want to rip off
I erased my thoughts with the eraser attached to my heart
I broke all my habits with the fights i had to start
I emptied the glass
I threw out the keys
I took away the knife
I broke my habits
But now i cant sleep
Im sober but inside i feel drunk
Im smarter but inside im driving myself crazy
My arms are clean again but inside i still bleed
The habits are gone but inside my head i keep repeating them
Appearance can fool
A story can lie
I cannot explain whats deep down inside

My eyes are wide open as a stare at the wall
I feel so heavy inside as i try to concentrate on what i feel
The message i try to express is not sinking in my brain
I cannot control whats controlling me
Im choking in silence and i dont know how to breathe
Without no light, the darkness strangles me
I cant see whats around me
All i know is that my heart is slowly dying
My chest is tight,
My anxiety strikes again
My body is dizzy and i cannot control the air
Now i feel the need to fall forever
I continue to choke on oxygen
Nothing is working
Nothing is going to repair me
My head is throbbing from the fears that wander inside me
My bones crack as i move
My veins pop out as i try to breathe one more time
I have no words to release because each letter keeps choking me
I continue to drown in my tears;
That try to wash away all the pain deep inside me
What i say
What i do
What i hear
What i see
When i move
And how i think is when i stop breathing

Im on edge and im waiting to fall off
I went too far and now i dont know how to correct the mistakes ive made
I chose to walk in the dark,
When the light shined in my face
I ignored everyones voice when i obeyed my evil conscience
I tried different things but only one was allowed to be involved
It was the one in which i hurt
The voice inside my head forced me to bleed
I had to choke to try to breathe
I had to be blind to gain my sight back
I had to be deaf in order to hear
I had to be silent to get my voice again
And to be numb meens i couldnt move forever
Almost dead;
I had to suffer
I felt everything and anything that crossed me
My strength gave out and so did my heart
I became weak
I became brittle
My bones would bring me down to the ground
My mind is dying while my body tries to fight
The illness lives inside me
The enemy tries to control me
I couldnt sleep without nightmares
I couldnt breathe without hyperventilating
I couldnt see without my vision being blurry
I couldnt hear without my ears being plugged
I couldnt speak without my voice being mute
Numerous feelings going out of control
I couldnt release the anger without abuse
I couldnt release the tears without drowning
I couldnt release the sorrow without harm
I couldnt release the silence without pain
I sewed my wounds
I healed my thoughts
I bandaged my heart
But i covered my scars
I thought it was over but my blood kept eacaping
I went through a storm
I got shaken
I got tortured
I got beaten on the floor
Now to learn means gaining the strength again
I had to die to come alive again

I try to speak,
But my mind shuts my mouth
When im silenced, i cannot think anymore
My thoughts are drowning when i try to erase the darkness
And when i try to turn around, the mirror reminds me of what ive become
I try to see,
But my mind closes my eyes
When im blind, i cannot see where im going
Now i walk away from it all; and my true self has gone forever
Im hidden
I try to breathe,
But my mind suffocates me
Im full of anxiety and i have to hyperventilate to know how to release the air within my weak lungs
I try to move,
But my mind breaks me
My bones are all broken from the mistakes i have made
I purposely ran through the walls; then i had to fall
I try to feel,
But my mind numbs me
All the pain was too much from the hurt i created;
Now i feel nothing
The feeling i have is all frozen inside me
I try to think,
But my mind blocks me
I cannot remember how to speak,
See,
Breathe,
Move,
Feel

Its getting harder to breathe each time the pressure rises
I tried to remove the weight thats weighing me down
But each time i try, i get more heaviness upon my chest
My lungs are getting crushed
My heart is getting squeezed
My bones are getting brittle
My skin is torn
My body is becoming weak
Im starting to break
But my mind is already broken
The air is escaping from my body;
Then i appear dizzy
I can no longer feel;
Im so numb;
Im so drowsy
I feel that im suffocating invisibly
I cannot breathe, but nothing is touching me
My words are strangling me
My thoughts are pushing down on me
My fears are the ones that are crushing me
Now my shoulders are sore,
They carried my own twisted world
My arms are *******,
I used a rope to pull myself in
My legs cannot move anymore,
I kicked myself on the ground
Now i lay underneath it all,
Im stuck below all my mistakes

I have been walking with my eyes closed for days
I was blind to see what love was about
I didnt wanna learn
I didnt wanna search
I didnt wanna feel
I didnt know how until i was knocked on the ground
I turned away from it all and blocked everything out
I only accepted myself into my life when i was down
My trust issues was for everyone except my mind
I loved my conscience who feared me all the time
I was scared to love, but i loved to be alone
I thought it was normal to be trapped; from being locked inside a room
When i turned around,
I actually turned to change
Into a stranger, i became disturbed & weak
I thought there was no light
I thought there was no escape
I was unsafe
And to be saved, i thought i couldnt be rescued from the prisoner inside my mind
It poured,
It rained
But it was from my eyes
I couldnt deal with the pain inside myself
Loneliness took over my body;
I did whatever the **** i wanted
I was lead to the darkest place
The place that i call my mind
I was scared to let anyone in,
Because i was forced to shut everyone out
And the stranger deep inside, always wanted me to hide
I was in so much danger, that i thought for sure i couldnt be saved
Something hit me
Someone broke me
The light that opened me;
The darkness that left me
My weakness turned to strength when you lifted me from the ground
My tears dried quickly when you wiped them from my eyes
You introduced me to the world because my world was inside my dark self
My negative thoughts disappeared when you whispered in my ears
I was able to breathe again when you made me catch my breath by breathing fresh air into my lungs
And then when my lips were sealed, you unglued them by making yours touch
Your body became strapped to mine;
You were a shield that my worries were forced to hide
You pushed all the darkness out of my way when i was weak
And when i couldnt sleep, you were the one that was in my dreams
When i was drowning in my tears, you helped me swim
I got dried from the air when you breathed all over my skin
My screams were silenced; from every move you made
With my anger gone, you will forever stay
I broke free when you picked up my pieces;
The broken pieces to my heart.
The pieces that were in your hands, had been pushed back in my body
You killed my dark mind
You set me free
You are the one that saved me

I took away what held me together
And now i have fallen apart
All the dark secrets ive hidden inside me bled out through my cuts & scars
The loneliness of my spirit has left a crowded life
I left what could have saved me
I left what could have helped me
And now i breathe in the pollution thats inside my mind
I brainwashed myself into thinking i was ok
I couldnt see how i was because i was blinded with the pain
As i met who i was deep inside, i learned to accept the change within myself
I was addicted to a mind that stays inside;
Trapping me so i cant hide
I thought i was normal when i was full of guilt
I thought i was normal when i was full of anger
I thought i was normal when i was abusive
I thought i was normal when i was changing my thoughts
I thought i was normal when i was turning my back away from people
I thought i was normal when i was avoiding people
I thought i was normal of every single behaviour i had made
I thought i was normal when i was full of tears everyday
I thought i was normal to crave my fears
I thought i was normal to look for my nightmares
I thought i was normal to fall in love with the stranger i have created

I fell for my lies and i couldnt catch myself
As i fell to the ground, i broke all my strength
The bed that held me went invisible towards me
When i sleep, all i have is nightmares;
The pillow just ignores me
When i hide myself from my fears,
The blanket tries to strangle me
I had to search comfort another way
As i try to go through the door, it slams shut in front of me
I try to open it, but i locked myself in with no key
As i walk through the mirrors of my broken image,
I fall between the floors
It collapsed and then thats when my legs had been broken
I had to find another path to take
As i go down the stairs, the railing ignores me
I was too weak when i needed to grab on, but now even weaker when the stairs throw me down to the floor
As i lay here broken, my heart is actually in pieces
As i lay here weak, my mind actually lost its strength
As i lay here with fear, my body is shaking
As i lay here crying, nothing can stop these tears from falling

I ran out of ink;
Thats when it all became the reality
I was full of life but then i erased all my pages
The paper is blank now
And now i write the feelings of a broken soul
Painful words
Harmful thoughts
Emotionally abused
And the tears I purposely made drop
I ****** out the ink to replace it with blood
Im torn
Im hurt
I bleed
My bruises are black
My scars are forever
My cuts are still open
I never got mentally better
I speak through a book where my cover is a secret
Inside im damaged
Inside im shattered
My vocal cords dont want to work
My tongue gets twisted each time i try to say a word
Im unable to speak
So through silence,
Im forced to harm whats already harmed
I hurt whats already hurt
I pierce whats already pierced
I damage whats already damaged
I tear away whats already torn
I throw whats already thrown
Now im down on the ground still unable to speak
My mind forces me not to reveal the punctured heart
The visible appearance thats allowed is through the body;
Through the bones
Through the veins
And through the skin
I write the chapters of my life
And the tool that i use is a knife

My brain is right, while my mind is wrong
I believe all the lies, and i hate all the things i have done
My left leg wants to move, while my right leg trips me
I try to run away, but my fears wont set me free
My left arm is weak, while my right arm is strong
One i suddenly broke, and one used to make the blood run
My eyes are closed, while i see my worries inside
When they're closed im safe, but when they're open i wanna hide
Im breathing, while im hyperventilating
I feel calm, but at the same time i feel dizzy
I can hear, while im deaf
I wish i can plug out everything, but the negativity wont make me forget
Im numb, while i feel all the pain
I knocked myself out, then i forced myself up again
Im tired, while im wide awake
Im burning up, while im cooling down
The anger that i release, leaves my voice with no sound
I wanna forget, but my nightmares keep me up late
Im laughing, while im crying
My appearance is that im ok, but behind a door im mentally dying
Half of the mirror is perfect, while the other half is shattered
The perfection is what i want;
And the shattered is the reality in which i will forever suffer..

I fought with my head, while my heart was breaking
When i was falling, i didnt even try to save myself
Every action spoke my violence
Every word spoke my truth
Every silent spoke my back
Every anger spoke my cold heart
Every appearance spoke my shadow
I was dark
I was invisible
I ended up hiding from it all
I wanted to run, but gravity forced myself to feel the pain
The pain in which i caused me to regret every serious game
I wanted to go back
I wish the time reversed
Now i carry it all on my shoulders
I was shot with my own words
I was trapped in my own actions
I was caught with my own lies
I was hurt with my own anger
So i cried it all away;
At least i tried but never succeeded
The tears only made puddles for me to drown myself in
I covered my face forcing myself not to breathe
And then i breathed out fire; i burned my own image,
I burned what i was unable to see
My ashes were like dust;
Floating away with the wind
I disappeared and couldnt stay to feel another guilt within my skin

I sit inside four walls
Im in the middle where i cannot breathe
I want to reach out but everything is so far away
Get me out;
I wanna get out
I feel that i cannot breathe because im losing air
Everything is closing in on me as i try to speak
Then when im silent, my heart pounds so loud i go deaf
Im unable to express what i feel
This feeling just cannot be explained
All the anxiety
All the hyperventilating
All my worries
All my fears
All the anger
All the tears
Where are holes that were supposed to me made?
The holes in which i have to force myself to breathe
I closed them
I hid them
Now i cannot breathe
Im choking as im struggling
Im dizzy as i catch my breath
I dont wanna do this anymore
Just let me out of this position
Im trying to do what i want but im being stopped
Im being held back to do so much
I just wanna break free
The outside is what im missing
Looking in, im so alone
In the darkness is what i fear
I fear the invisible truth
As i close my eyes, i listen; but i cannot hear
As i close my eyes, i touch; but i cannot feel
As i close my eyes, im talking; but i cannot speak
And as i open my eyes, i look; but i cannot see where to begin
Im just sealed inside my own mind

There isnt one day that these eyes dont cry
The tears start from memories
The memories are together safe
Locked away in my heart
But i wanted you to stay
I cant undo whats done
So now im feeling it everyday
Im broken
Im lost
And now its the pain that i truly hate
I knew you couldnt stay
But why all the suffering?
It was hard to see your pain, your weakness, and your eyes
It was hard to show the love;
The one that i regret to show
I showed it with all my strength
When you slowly had to go
Everything was just too late
A troubled girl gone blind
I noticed everything at the last minute
When it was out of time
It replays in my head like a movie;
A sad movie
Its a never ending story;
A sad story
Its a never ending nightmare;
My dreams of you here is never going to happen


rip to my angel x0

There was a story that was true
Each chapter was full of drama
Each page was full of heartache
Each word was full of tears
Each letter i tried to make disappear
As i read myself through,
I cry and then the ink washes away as it turns into my blood
My tears have tried to knock my chapters out
Inside my life a new chapter keeps happening;
And then i always wish it would all go away
My hurt has returned
Each ending is actually a beginning
I cant escape from the cover that tries to close me inside
All the pictures, dark with no explanation
My colours had no strength to reveal themselves
These words inside;
Inside its my head
Im writing and screaming; my mind through my hand
My hand is so tight as i write on myself
Im writing the words of my insides that im forcing out
The pencil im holding;
A strange looking pencil
This pencil is actually an addiction
Im so brainwashed from my mind
I never knew pencils had blades..
As i sit and read myself one last time,
I rip out the pages
Now its even worse
What did i do?
Now im torn
Now im split open
I feel more chapters have come back to harm me
My skin is bleeding;
This book has no ending

I went overboard until i crashed
I went under and my body got smashed
I couldnt stop
I couldnt help myself
I couldnt remember
I was too distant from myself
My eyes were closed when they should have been open
And when they were, all i saw were open wounds in front of my face
I couldnt feel anything;
I was so numb
And when i had feeling, it was only inside my heart with the aches of torture
Im bleeding but i only see
What im feeling is deep regrets in between all my scars
Then i became a porcelain doll,
I was held with my own arms,
Then i purposely fell out
I broke all over the floor
And to stop my blood from escaping, i sewed myself back to life
Im together but its forced
Now im scarred from head to toe
Its the time to be careful now
One more fall then i will stay down
Just allow me to pull my own string
The string that holds my body
The string that i had to put in
Everything is so fake
My mistakes bring me to the end;
Im new but im still torn
Im together but underneath im scarred
I stand but i force my fall
I laugh but when noone looks i cry
I look good until you see my skin
Im together until i pull my string...

Across my body, i have an overlayer of mistakes
Im trying to dig out all my problems
Im trying to bleed out all my worries
Im trying to squeeze out all my fears
But instead i cleaned out all my strength
I developed a habit that i cannot put to rest
Im just wanting to pretend that I cant feel all the hurt
But i think about the pain that put me in the middle of the darkness
I inhaled the dangers of my curious thoughts
In the end i got trapped in my own web
And then i was like a spider;
Trying to escape what fears me
Everything is so much bigger than me
But my body is small because i shrunk myself and hid from it all
Then suddenly i couldnt help myself
I got crushed and i lost myself
Deep inside my body, i broke my own bones
The scars that appeared had me covered with my regrets
Now i peel off my guilt,
I bleed all over agan

My feet are burnt but not from the ground
I walked on fire that i started down below
My body is hot but not from the sun
I covered my body with a blanket to hide my scars
My hair is moving but not from the wind
Its being pulled from the hands thats attached to my body
I hear voices and its not the seashells
Im talking harshly to myself inside my head
I cannot see but the dust is innocent
Im covering my eyes so i wont have to see the truth
I cannot breathe but its not the humidity
Im hyperventilating because of my fears
I hide, and its not behind the rocks
I disappear from the reflection in the water who tries to find me
Im bleeding but not from broken glass
I unleash my liquid with purpose and open the cuts of sorrow
Im thirsty but not for water
I want the hydration from the strength that im lacking deep inside
Im tired but not from nature
My heart is pounding from my body that was turned inside out
I feel the splashes and its not the water
My tears are the waves that blind me when im knocked down

Im floating inside my own body;
I died within my soul
My spirt lifted high, and now im stuck inside my own sorrow
Outside i couldnt take no more
I couldnt take no more life
I breathed in too much *******
Now the air i breathed had polluted my lungs; and now its stuck deep inside
My heart is black now
So then i realized that the red heart was a target;
And the blood within had been punctured, then ****** out.
So now im so empty
I have no more strength inside me
When i try to fight, i just break myself
And then i fall and i cant get back up
Now im inside a hole
Its so dark; its so black
I feel like im stuck because i have nowhere to run
Im at the bottom of it all
And i cannot get myself out; i buried myself too deep
Now i cannot breathe
The feelings that got hurt was cut into my skin and then like a big scar that cover my body
I want to escape but i cant
Im the one who put up these walls; these walls that closes me in
Im the one that closed my door; the one that i locked myself in
Im the one who used a knife; that made me bleed, and made me fight
Im the one who abused the mirror; and changed my moods when i look deep inside
Im the one that opened my own eyes;
That whenever i cry, everything that was deep, had been thrown up outside

I always wandered what would happen if i got back on the right path
Will i change?
Will my mind twist & turn itself back to normal?
And will my heart unfreeze itself?
I followed a shadow that i knew would make me blind
I followed a soul that i didnt want to attach myself to
But i stared into a mirror and just threw myself in and lost myself
I disappeared from life;
I was invisible to myself
I made my own path; i followed a dark road
And then i ended up in the middle of my own drama
I stood up but i was dizzy
I walked into tripping over
I ran into falling on the floor
I used my eyes but i was blind
I listened carefully but i was deaf
I tried to speak while my voice was mute
I tried to move while my bones were broken
Then i gave up from being mentally exhausted
Where did i go?
I never knew how to interact with a person so close; but so far away
Distance broke me, myself, and i
And i never saw the line that i was holding onto before i let go
I met her, but i said goodbye
I laughed at her, and made her cry
I judged her, then she was angry
I abused her, and made her bleed
I looked and couldnt find
I searched but she had to hide
And then I realized i had cut my own line
I confused my heart with hateful words, and so i ended up bad-mouthing to the mirror
I confused my body with bruises and scars, and so i ended bleeding in my own tears
My mind confused me with an enemy i once knew, without a role model;
All along i locked myself,
In my own room

It will pass; there is nothing to worry about
No doctor necessary
And theres no time to go out
One week of headache,
One bottle of pills
One day hot,
One day the chills
Some days vomiting
Some days dizzy
Somedays chest pain
Some days the stomach is cramping
Some days heartache
Some days are hurting
Some days feared
Some days are boring
Some days worrying
Other days fine
Some days serious
Other days to cry
One day healthy
One day in pain
One day is ok
One day its starts all over again
Months to wait for results
Hours of sleeping in bed
Days of trying to get better
Minutes of hoping its all in the head
Now the days with no energy
Now the days feeling weak
Now the days with no motivation
Now the days only to sleep
Day by day trying
Day by day suffering
Day by day anxiety
Day by day its exhausting
Slowly the strength breaks
Slowly the hopes drop
Slowly the body collapses
Then thats when the heart stops

-miss u mom ❤️

I replaced my happiness with tears,
Fallen out of my body as the memories never fade
I replaced my peace with hyperventilation,
Bringing my fears closer from worry
I replaced my door with a lock,
Closing myself inside these walls
I replaced my reflection with a shattered mirror,
I broke myself completely
I replaced my dreams with nightmares,
I fear what im seeing
I replaced the light with darkness,
I dont know where im going
I replaced my words with silence,
I just dont want to explain the truth
I replaced my stability with imbalance,
Im not allowed to choose who i wanna be
I replaced my skin with blades,
Bleeding from the inside out
I replaced my strength with weakness,
I ****** the life right out of my system

I found out i was weak,
Then i found my mind's strength
Then i realized the reality,
So i found an escape from my pain
In this reality i cannot fake;
I cannot fake a mind thats going insane
I found all my nightmares and tried to wake up
I got knocked back down; my eyes glued shut
I walked in the darkness, searching for the light
Then again my eyes shut, i became blind
My eyes opened, thats where i saw my wounds
While i was blind, my mind took control
I bled through it all because i couldnt keep it in
I tore my skin
I bruised my bones
I licked my wounds
I cried on my scars
I was my own bandage but wouldnt stick
And as i keep falling apart, i bleed all over again
I was my own enemy i had to fight,
But then i found weakness once the strength to my heart had died

I tried to rinse my face but it seems im not gonna change
I tried to rinse my weakness but strength doesnt wanna meet me
I tried to rinse my fears but they came back to scare me
I tried to rinse my problems but they came back to trouble me
I tried to rinse my anxiety but it came back to blow away my body
I tried to rinse my sorrow but the memories still remain
I tried to rinse my nightmares but they came back to haunt me
I tried to rinse my thoughts but the negativity keeps returning
I tried to rinse my steps but the past wont ever change
I tried to rinse my scars but i still see what i did
I tried to rinse the blood but my wounds wont ever close
I tried to rinse the bruises but the pain wants to stay
I tried to rinse my anger but i keep getting angry
I tried to rinse my bitterness but my heart keeps getting cold
I tried to rinse my emptiness but i keep getting unfilled and broken
I tried to rinse my sadness but the tears is what im using,
To try and wash everything away

It was fun staying out late until i took advantage
It was disappearing until i made it a habit
It was fun being wasted until i got out of control
It was fun being promiscuous until my heart couldnt take no more
It was fun being a ***** until i walked with guilt
It was fun getting angry until i put up walls i built
It was fun staying out late until i almost died
It was fun making mistakes until i had to hide
It was fun playing with knives until i actually got hurt
It was fun playing with fire until i finally got burned
It was fun staying up at night until my nightmares forced me to stay awake
It was fun trying to fight my fears until i had the attacks of anxiety
It was fun being alone until i was left alone forever
It was fun staying in my room until i got to know myself better..

I can hardly breathe;
My chest is so tight
In the darkness i lay wide awake
Through my pain, i hyperventilate
Im breathing, but its too fast
I still havent learned to catch my breath
My heart is pounding hard
And then i become so numb from dizziness
I have become so overtired that i cannot sleep
And im inside a nightmare that my eyes wont stay shut
When i tremble, i shake my whole body
I cannot control my nerves
I cannot hold myself down
My appetite has suddenly disappeared; my spirit is the one that starves
Too nervous to eat
Too nervous to drink
Too nervous to get up
Im so confused; what is happening?
Im inside another world feeling weird
I cant snap out of it
I cant control it
I guess i have to fight it
But how do i fight if i have no strength?
I have no strength to control whats inside me
As i keep hyperventilating im slowly falling
I fall with weakness to the ground
I cannot undo whats purposely done
I can only find a way to cope with my fears
There are knots inside my stomach;
The cramping makes it harder for me to breathe
Its fast;
My breathing is so fast
The dizziness is getting worse
Now i feely head is spinning with all the pain
Pulsing; i can feel my heartbeat inside my head as it starts hurting;
Its squeezing me tight
Im struggling to pass air because my chest is so tight
Something is blocking my lungs
These thoughts keep racing
I keep accepting
Im supposed to ignore what hurts me
It's just not giving me a chance to breathe properly

All the smiles
All the joy
All the laughter
All the rejoice
Lights are bright
The light is shining through
Deep in my heart is the only one i have because of you
Its just another day;
Another day to be more happier
But another day to feel more pain
And another day to feel more emptier
Memories remain
Pain wont ever change
Pictures will always be the same
Heartache once again
My mind is crowded
And my heart is full
Its too hard to have fun
Presents wont get me happier
The one thing i want is so impossible
Its too far away to reach
Its too far away to grab
The one thing i want,
Is someone i cannot have
I had it every year
I had it everyday
The love that i shared
Was taken on a painful day
I have forgotten what christmas felt like
Its just not the same
The happiness was taken from me;
I feel no more warmth
The joy that was taken from me;
I feel no more excitement
The love that was taken from me;
I feel no more company
The sadness that was brought to me;
Now i feel the tears
The anger that was brought to me;
Now i feel anxiety
The emptiness that was brought to me;
Now i feel the loneliness

Continuing to worry; i go through it all
Inside the closet i see the dresser filled with memories
Do i take it?
Do i leave it?
Im running out of time
I gather the clothes as my eyes tear up,
I refuse to listen as i hear a loud voice
"Shes gonna be here soon, are you getting her stuff ready?"
Im listening as i stall
Fearing,
Anxious,
Something doesnt seem right
Crying,
Its dejavu
Arent i supposed to be sleeping tight?
The light was bright
The car pulls up
I hear the noises of the stairs
Into the room,
I had to rush the things
Then it ended with an unknown ending
I wake from a repetitive scene, and this isnt the first time
I keep hyperventilating to the same dream
I keep having similar dreams
I keep wanting to change these dreams
My heart pounds as my anger strikes
I wanna close my eyes again and go back to change the past
-She goes to the hospital one more time