I felt a feeling like never before
My heart; pounding
I couldnt handle anymore
My fears escalated to the point where i glued my eyes shut
But then i saw my nightmares that never went away
I tried to unglue my eyes
But then they were permanently shut tight.
Now i see whats inside my mind
I wanna erase everything thats trying to hide.
I will never forget what harmed me
I want to go back to the past and change everything
I blocked myself from winning
My mind made me lose repeatedly Turned into glass; my heart jumped out of my chest and then broke as it hit the floor
The blood rushed out of my body as i tried to save myself
I felt so broken as i lay on the floor
I bruised myself my remembering the times i wanted to leave this darkness
And I have been in the darkness my whole life; i regret not wanting to fight
I fought the wrong people
I fought the wrong person that tried to hide
My fears keep growing; while i am shrinking
Eventually i will crumble inside my own body
Eventually i will pass out for not breathing
Im breathing harsh
Im breathing slow
Im hyperventilating and it just wont leave me alone
Im fighting to breathe
My tears just wont dry
Its painful to breathe
And it hurts to cry
The time keeps ticking but there is no change
The time only makes me think that tomorrow it starts all over again
My fears dont wanna leave
My nightmares dont turn into regular dreams
Im still unable to control this feeling
Im waiting on the last tear that ends all my negativity
And i wish the last tear will stop all pain forever

I had fallen when i was small, and my scrapes were too small for me to even care
I healed and continued my days with not knowing how to cry
I fell a second time but it wasnt like any other
It wasnt the wind who pushed me
It was the force of my mind that was guiding me
I failed when i was supposed to pass
I gave up when i was supposed to succeed
I noticed i had some fears
My anxious tears, and alot of nightmares
I fell on top of a trap
The knife was sharp, and i stabbed my own back
I wanted to be weak
But at the same time i was fighting to be strong
I found out how it really felt to get hurt
I found out how it really felt to fall
Collapsed; i couldnt get up
As i pushed the mirror, i ended up on the floor
Shattered; i was broken
My bones gave up when i wanted to continue
I became friends with my enemy
I played with danger to satisfy me
As i walked into a hidden string, it tangled around my neck so i couldnt breathe
I hyperventilated when i wanted to bleed
I got anxious but i didnt wanna leave
Everytime i got up, i was pushed right back down
I never learned;
My new bed was the ground
I tripped over my own mistakes, then i broken my bones over my anger
I pushed myself ontop of the weapons, then i tore my skin over depression
I fell down my own dark path, then i shattered my body over my mind

I walk through a dark path black walls covered in scratches
My fingernails look bitten, but i was the one trying to free myself from the darkness
I couldnt ignore my nightmares because my eyes didnt know how to open
My screams of terror shook my bed, and i then i wanted to sleep forever
I couldnt ignore my fears because i was forced to do what i didnt want
I yelled
I screamed
I cried
I got angry
And then i wanted loneliness to be attatched to me all the time
I couldnt ignore my sadness because when my eyes were open, they always dried up my memories
Then the tears continued to run
Then i tried to ignore my mind because it all started when i was weak deep inside
I couldnt because i lost
I wish i turned back, and hoped i was more tough
It was like i was trapped; and then i was forced to ignore my conscience
I wanted to forget, but never forgive
I hated this monster that was trying to live
The more i tried, the more pain i received
So then i gave up to the point where i created harm under my sleeve
I grew so weak with fear
Then the fear took over my dreams
I grew so weak with worry
Then the worry took over my breathing
I grew so weak with anger
Then the anger took over my actions
I grew so weak with my sadness
Then the sadness took over my strength
I grew so weak with my mind
Then my mind took over my body
I grew so weak with my body
And then i saw that i instigated the pain

I wanted to find the proper answers
My questions still remain unanswered
My prayers were left open with no responses
Now my tears drown me forever
I went on my knees everyday questioning if there was another way
To change it all
To fix it all
To heal it all
But the time was small
I didnt know what it actually meant when i had to hide
I didnt know what it actually meant when i felt my soul die
I didnt know what it actually meant when i finally opened my eyes
I didnt know what it actually meant when i realized the truth wasnt a lie
Now it was the time i searched you but i couldnt see
Now it was the time i tried to talk to you but i couldnt speak
Now it was the time to try to hear you but i couldnt hear
Now it was the time to reach out to you but you were forced to disappear
I knew it was that time
That time for me to cry
That time to close your eyes
That time to say goodbye

I can zone out for hours and pretend that im ok
Until im shaken, im frozen
Until im moved, im still
Until im screamed at, my worries remain
I still think of those cuts made from a razer and a knife
I still think of those times when i wanted fight
I cannot forget those times i loved being alone
I cannot forget those times i loved my door closed
Privacy wasnt spoken about; i gave noone a choice
I shut the blinds before a stranger
I closed the window in front of my friends
I slammed my door on loved ones
And i welcomed my enemy that brainwashed my head
When i screamed, i harmed my voice
When i cried, i harmed my eyes
When i hyperventilated, i harmed my lungs
But when my thoughts didnt make sense, my brain was fine
Not understanding what hurt me but i remember how it ruined me
I was fragile when my strength was taken
Then my power was only inside my head
I remember who i hurt
I forgot who i was
I remember who i ignored
I forgot the person that i lost
I only knew fears, loneliness and bleeding pain
Deep down i tried to find a shield, a perfect stranger, and a bandaid

My memories of peacefulness has been erased from my mind
I have no way of getting back to the reality of life full of failure
I was drowned inside my body and then i wasnt living
I died inside my nightmares, then my dreams became a reality
I let go of myself and i slipped away
I fell through the cracks
And then i shattered into pieces that i thought would never break
I tied every knot tighter from my mistakes that were on a string
And then when i finally found the scissors,
Instead i cut myself from reality and the string had strangled me
On the ground i lay
I had fallen with no more pieces left to break
My body stopped working
Like a broken toy that got thrown out;
I didnt even care to get fixed
I gave it all up
The strength had left and the weakness forced itself in me
I didnt know how to use my lungs anymore
I forgot how to breathe
I didnt know how to use my mouth anymore
I forgot how to speak
I didnt know how to use my ears anymore
I forgot how to hear
I didnt know how to use my eyes anymore
I forgot how to see
I didnt know how to use my muscles anymore
I forgot how to move
I didnt know how to use my bones anymore
I forgot how to think
I didnt want to use myself anymore..

The weight is heavy against my body
I can feel my chest being pushed in
Its tight inside this little space
I cannot move; i can barely breathe
There was a cage that grew over me;
Locking me in
And hiding me
I wanted to escape but i couldnt find the key
I was trapped and i was lost
I tried pushing my way through but nothing moved
I just had no strength to move my own fears
Invisible pins pierced through my clothes
And then the wall waited for my body; i was pushed but i didnt fall
Instead i was held up with the strong forces, then i felt like i was being strangled
I had no way of breaking through
My strength broke when i tried to escape
There was nowhere to go
So i stood there feeling helpless
I breathed so deeply hoping my lungs would open wider
Instead i felt them being crushed
And then my heart was squeezed until i fell to the floor
I was feeling weak
No more wall was behind me
Instead i was pushed to the floor
Broken,
Shattered,
Bleeding until i couldnt take no more
Felt stabbed with invisible knives
Cut right open,
And ended the fight

I talk,
But im forced to choke on my words
I scream,
But im forced to hold it between my teeth
I whisper,
But im forced to just close my mouth
What is left?
I try to breathe,
But i have no oxygen
Inside my throat is where i feel a pain so uncontrollable
My chest feels like there are pins and needles; just piercing me and i cant find the holes
Then my heart feels like theres a knife just stabbing me with no control
My words were innocent until i was triggered
My actions were gentle until i was tempted
My mind was stable until i got introduced
My body was pure until i got damaged
As i whispered, i had to chew ******* my words
It was sweet and innocent, so i bit my tongue and silenced
Then i spoke, i had to close my mouth
It was salty but easy to wash it right out
Then i tried to breathe, it was too sour for me proceed.
I was struggling with no air
Then i tried to think, it was bitter and i couldnt keep it all in
So then my heart came up into my throat
The pain that i felt when i had to *****
But at the same time i was forced to keep it down
Im so nauseous from trying to be strong
I held inside everything that was wrong
I bleed without a knife
My mind just wants to fight
My nightmares havent disappeared
My fears have left me in tears
Now i cant breathe
Im choking and its all too sharp
I dont wanna close my mouth with everything just piercing through me
My throat acts like a shield; protecting the body from damage
But im too weak to fight back so i have to bite down and take it
Its inside my stomach,
I wanna ***** the liquid out of me
Its inside my blood,
I wanna cut out the depression inside of me
Its in my bones,
I wanna break; then rebuild what already broke me
Its in my chest
I wanna rip out the heart thats frozen
Its in my throat
I wanna pull it all out but its too late
Its in my mouth
I was forced to take in what i couldnt handle
My mouth was supposed to stay closed so that it all couldnt go down

I feel so tired
Tired of trying to win
Im fighting a battle against myself
And i should just give up
Im slipping through the cracks that i made with my force
My anger broke down what was trying to protect me
I cant breathe; it feels like im suffocating
Im inside a box with no holes and i need to get air
I blocked every escape i had that was open
They closed up and locked me out
I can never get out, even though i created the locks
The keys are locked away somewhere inside my head
Im so tired of searching
Searching for all these answers
My questions just cannot be answered
I tried, and then i failed
I failed a test that i was forced to cheat on; & then i disqualified myself from life
I tried not to get hurt but my mind was the weapon
I bled from the inside out without a shield for protection against myself
In the darkness i was blind to fight
There was no light for my freedom to hide
It all came at me at once
I wasnt ready to fail from my own soul
Once it started, it just didnt stop
I had no time to breathe
I had no chance to speak
Fighting the fears
But i ran away
Fighting the lies
But i was naive
Fighting the darkness
But then i couldnt sleep
Fighting the pain
But then i bleed
Fighting the emotions
But then i cry
Fighting the emotions
But then i wanna hide
Fighting the emotions
But then i become angry
Fighting the emotions
But then its overwhelming
Fighting the emotions
But then i become anxious
Fighting the emotions
But then become hypertension
Fighting the emotions
But then i become lost
Fighting the emotions
But then i give up

I held on to memories that will never fade away
I squeeze my eyes tight thinking it will all go away
The water from my eyes burn my wounds but i dont care
It burns even more when i think into the past
And these scars will always be visible
I feel my heart pounding
As i see myself drowning
I feel my head spinning
As i see myself falling
I feel myself breaking
As i see myself bleeding
I couldnt hold on any longer
I just slipped away
And with the visions of my nightmares, i just want to lose sight
My eyes are blurry and i choose not to see
I always hoped when they open, everything would go back to normal
But its like a waterfall; pouring all over me
Im drenched and cold from the liquid that takes over me
The drops that fell on the floor for me to slip and fall
The puddles that were made for me to ignore a reflection
The ocean that i was forced to swim in, but then i drowned
I took the drops and i made the puddles
I took the puddles and i made an ocean
And when i drowned, was when i couldnt take no more
The memories of pain
The memories of suffering
The memories of remembering
It is the time of struggling
I couldnt see no more
The water took my sight
My face is all numb from wiping away the tears
And i could hardly breathe;
I choked and then i was never able to fight my fears
I couldnt see what was in front of me
I only saw what was within me
I forgot how everything looked around me
I only knew that i could never be set free
Did you ever cry so much that it burned?
Did you ever cry so much that it hurt?
Did you ever cry so much that you couldnt breathe?
Did you ever cry so much that you couldnt see?

What happens when we fall?
We get right back up
But i fell a thousand times
So my body was trained to bruise
My plans broke and then i failed
I tortured my heart so my mind could be left alone to make me struggle
I was broken and was never fixed;
And then i had to move on with unfinished stories
The stories that left me hurt;
Left me bleeding
No bandage was able to stay on
No makeup was able to make it disappear
No clothing was able to cover me
No meds were able to change me
I kept ignoring the wounds that harmed me
I wanted to push it to see what would happen to me
Washing the blood, i didnt care
Even though i saw myself failing;
And i wanted to see how much i can take
Then i thought my strength would never leave
I saw myself grew weak;
Then these wounds were taking long to leave
I couldnt do this
I wanted to end this
I felt my head turning spinning
I felt my ears ringing
I felt my eyes get blurry
I felt my mouth drying up
I felt my breathing turned heavy
And then i felt my whole body go numb with the shock of mental illness
My bones broke
My skin ripped
My mirror shattered
And my heart followed my reflection
All my pieces got lost
I pushed it so deep that i scarred
I regret listening to myself because i went too far
The first cut was for me to try
Then the wounds started escalating until i cried
I cried to wash away the pain
I cried to heal the wounds that remain
But then it was too late
I had started a whole different pain
I was at the weakest my body could have been
I snapped myself in half then i couldnt move
I was badly wounded; i wanted to erase what i have done
I was my own doctor that i had to rely on
I made my own stitches on my body to get fixed, but the damage is done
I stapled my heart together, put it will never be strong
I put a bandage on my memories, but it will always fall off
Now the pain is real
Now i harmed myself enough
It took a long time to heal my wounds
But the scars will stay forever

They say to fight until you win
But i have been losing each time
I want the negativity to end the darkness that comes from within
I dont know how to go through the darkness if i cant see the light
I never believed there was a light at every tunnel
It kept going with no opening
So i never found my way out; im still struggling
I felt heavy with broken thoughts
I wanted to be found because i was lost
I was patient;
So very patient
I was generous;
So very generous
I was quiet;
So very quiet
I was naive;
Im still so naive
I was calm until i turned angry;
And i wanted everything to just leave me
I was happy until it turned into depression;
I drowned everyday in my tears
I was talkative until i turned silent;
I was just too scared to speak
I was strong until i turned weak;
I was used to the point where i could no longer defend myself
I gave up when i couldnt reach
I tried to grab every chance to explain what is going wrong
But then i failed
Each time i fell to the floor, i couldnt gain the strength to get up again
I put too much trust inside something that was waiting to break
Then the floor had shattered pieces
And the time ran out on me
How do i fix this mess?
How do i pick it all up?
The pieces are cutting me
Im bleeding; i cannot remove the scars that were left behind
Each picture had a tear
Each tear had a memory
Each memory had a movie
Each movie played inside my head
My head had a weak mind
The mind of a broken child
I felt small, i felt weak, i felt naive
And i couldnt sleep
I felt like i couldnt breathe
I felt like i couldnt see
I felt like i couldnt hear
I felt like I couldnt speak
I lay here in the same spot
The thoughts keep running around inside my head
My mind stopped me from rewinding and fix the mistakes that I should have learned from
My regrets have knocked me down
And i have broken all my bones
My silence made me slip away
I was ignored and trapped inside the darkness
I suffocated while I hyperventilated
I couldnt breathe no more
I cried until i drowned
I disappeared under the puddles on the floor
I tried to escape through my scars, my cuts, and bruises
But i only made it worse by bleeding out the pain, the memories and excuses
I did too much
I said too much
I worked too much
Now the pain is too much
I cried too much
I hurt too much
I bled too much
Now the weakness is too much
I fought too much
I lost too much
I fell too much
Now the bruises are too much
The anxiety is too much
The tears are too much
The struggle is too much
Now this is enough

My room turned into glass; then it shaped itself into a bowl
I didnt know the next step until i got brainwashed and it all made sense to cry
To fill up the bowl, it was all planned
In the end i know im going to drown
My fears broke me
My anxiety striked me
My nightmares haunted me
My mind played me
Inside the glass, my screams only echoed back
Noone was able to hear me ask for help
I wanted to continue to scream but it was so pointless as i became so weak
There was no air to breathe;
Only the top was open for me to see
I didnt know how to climb out
I didnt know how to run away
I didnt know how to break away from all the mistakes that were made
Every single night;
I had cried,
I laid in bed with closed eyes
I had no more strength so i struggled
I wanted to escape all the trouble
And i felt like a statue;
Couldnt move
Couldnt speak
Couldnt hear
Couldnt breathe
I felt trapped inside my own room
I locked away dreams & wishes that i once knew
I wanted to change
I wanted to grow
But instead i was stuck
And i kept going low
I keep being attacked, but noones here
Im alone
I know noone will hear
Everything taken, so my heart would bleed
The water kept coming as my eyes couldnt see
I panic because the bowl is half full
I just cant stop even if i try to punch a hole
I had forgotten how to swim
So im sure i will drown
This water is even salty so it burns my cuts & scars that keep opening as i bleed on the ground
Im trying to dry the water but it keeps coming so i cant sleep in peace
My bed is soaked; how do i rest?
My face is drenched; how do i stop?
My eyes are burning; how do i forget?
Im drowning
I cannot see
Now my room is filled to the top so i cannot breathe
I have no choice but to lay here waiting for it all to shatter and stop my eyes from leaking

What didnt touch me, harmed me
What touched me, i didnt push away
My friends were the weapons;
It was the mind that made me bleed
The bruises never failed
The pain always existed
The scrapes were visible
The cuts kept opening up
They say the sticks and stones break you
Its a lie because i played
The names and memories are the ones that hurt you
Its true because i finished the game
My tears didnt get made from physical harm
I drowned from unexplainable hurts
Memories never fade
Images never run away
Lost and never found
My mind had escaped
Harmed without being touched;
I looked through the past
And had nightmares of the present
And now im trying to survive the future
Sticks and stones never bothered me
Knives and weapons always helped me
Alcohol would be relaxing to me
But now the mind inside still has a hold on me
My bones didnt break but my heart was the one that broke
My brain didnt get damaged but my mind was the one that got ruined
My skin didnt peel but my strength was the one that was peeling off me
My body didnt collapse but my soul collapsed and took off from me

It feels so tight
I feel my chest squeezing itself as i try to release the air
I feel a fast beat
I feel a harsh feeling
I feel a sharp pain
I feel a loud drum in my ears
Im breathing but its hard
I wanna get up but my strength is too far
I need to stand but i know im gonna fall
Now im reaching the scissors to cut the weakness thats wrapped around my soul
Im wanting to push away the darkness and make all my fears go
My anxiety and depression wont seem to leave
Now my head has exploded
Now my heart & skin are bleeding
My throat is so dry
Its dry from struggling to breathe
All the air dried me out
My lungs had suddenly weakened me
Im dizzy; i cannot stand
I try to grab onto something
But everything moves away from my hands
Im on floor and i give up
I never learned to control myself
And ive had enough
I had lost
And anxiety won
My strength was taken
And now im done

I held on to what feared me for too long
Now i wanna leave; i wanna let go
My strength was taken and is still locked away
My weakness became weaker and im still searching a way to run and break free
I had enough of what tortured me;
My mind that overpowered me
I had enough of the pain that ruined me;
My soul that slowly finished me
I wanted no more abusing;
Myself that was always bleeding
I drowned and it wasnt from water
My tears were bringing me down
I ran but i wasnt being chased
My heart was racing from the worry
I choked and it wasnt from eating
My hands wrapped around my own throat
I stopped breathing and i dont have asthma
I hyperventilated from no control
I bled and it wasnt an accident
I was an owner of a razor
How do i undo this
How can i redo this
I searched for the key for years;
To unlock what i locked up that hid all my fears
All the pain
And all the wounds
All the scars
And all the bruises
All the fears
And all the nightmares
All the worry
And all the panic
All anger
And all the sadness
All the memories
And all the suffering
All the closure
And all the darkness
It needs to end

When its loud, it becomes silent
When theres light, it becomes dark
When its easy, it becomes hard
When its full, it becomes empty
When theres fun, the fun ends
When theres happiness, it turns into anger
When theres joy, it turns into depression
When theres dreams, they turn into nightmares
When theres confidence, fear takes over
When theres talking, silence is overwhelming
When theres appearance, it becomes ignored
When the eyes see, it becomes blurry
When the ears listen, it becomes staticky
When breathing, it becomes breathless
When the mind is in peace, it becomes dangerous
When the heart speaks, it becomes broken
As i shut myself in and lock the door
I stay to bleed all over the floor
It was silent
It was quiet
I wanted everyone out
It hurts now
Its painful
I never accepted help
It was dangerous
It was serious
I couldnt be controlled
It was stupid
It was unexplainable
I wanted to go

The phone calls reached your ears
But my ears were saddened by the other end
Everyday i called
But everyday got shorter
I heard the weakness in your voice
I heard the change from the words you tried to speak
I just couldnt recognize the strength that suddenly grew so weak
I tried to raise your spirits,
but i couldnt understand the pain
My tears were always hidden
They drowned me as i closed myself in
I knew time was running out and then i wished there was something i could do
There was no voice because you were limited to speak
There was no air that was strong because you were fighting to breathe
Everything was slowing down;
We just tried to understand what you felt
Seeking help; we only heard you in pain
We wished you had healed
We wished you were able to explain
I was confused;
But then i understood
I was dumb;
But then i wasnt stupid
I was dreaming;
But then the nightmare came true
I was deaf;
But then i heard
I was praying;
But then my prayers were ignored
We couldnt hear no more
Then the breathing got slow
It was a nightmare
A terrible nightmare
I wanted to close my eyes and make it all disappear
But when i opened my eyes, it was the pounding heart that disappeared

Gripping so hard,
But slowly it slips away
There comes that time where we prepare to have another cry
The strength tried to hold on
But then got showered with weakness
It became hard to hear
It became hard to speak
It became hard to see
It became hard to breathe
We remember the beauty
We remember the memories
We remember the love
We remember the smiles
We remember the times
We remember the hours
We remember the minutes
We remember the seconds
We remember the first breath
Through the years that made us happy
Now we will remember the last breath
And know that happiness doesnt last forever
When a beating heart stops,
It shocks us through our body,
When a beating heart stops,
It also stops everyone else's suddenly
Light turns to darkness
And darkness keeps on winning
But then the brightest light was up above;
It overpowered, but left us mourning
This will leave the days dark
It will leave hearts so very heavy
The time will be slow
The moods will be depressing
And the memories will never fade away
But now there is no more pain to pray for it to go away


RIP Carmie
Love u always
Miss u forever ❤️

I wanna laugh but i cant even smile
I wanna scream but i cant even speak
I wanna empty my lungs but i cant even breathe
I wanna listen but i cant even hear
I wanna watch but i cant even see
I wanna touch but i cant even feel
I wanna fight but i cant even move
I wanna run but i cant even walk
I wanna get help but i cant even ask
I wanna talk back but i cant even respond
I wanna explain but i cant even think
I wanna lose feeling but im already numb
I wanna lose my my voice but im already mute
I wanna stop my breath but i already have no air
I wanna lose my hearing but im already deaf
I wanna lose my sight but im already blind
Im numb but i feel the pain
Im mute but i scream in silence
I dont breathe and i choke on oxygen
Im deaf but the noises hurt my ears
Im blind but i see the darkness
The pain hurts me silently
The oxygen is fake and it only makes a loud noise in my ears
And im broken in the darkness;
Because i lost by trying to fight my fears

Im behind a door so that noone can see me
When i appear in front of everyones eyes, its like an act that im forced to perform
I cant pretend that im breathing,
When im actually choking
Im strangling myself silently until im hyperventilating alone
I keep quiet in a crowd
Then i scream when noones around
I keep my eyes dry until they burn
Then i try to smile when my cries are heard
Im leaning on myself
But then i fall
I wasnt strong enough to hold my body;
Because i was too weak to hold on to my fears
I slipped away
I fell & broke
I let go of something that I wasnt able to hold
My pieces were lost and so was i
My body was shattered but i couldnt open my eyes
I was crowded from the images inside my eyes; i couldnt see
My lungs had collapsed from being caved in; i couldnt breathe
My throat closed in from swallowing the negativity; i started to choke
My heart kept pounding fast; and then it suddenly broke
My body gave out; so i became weak
My bones veins snapped in pieces; so my nerves kept bothering me
I stay silent
Im silent but frustrated inside
I wanna break free
But im being held down
I wanna undo these knots that have me captured deep within myself
No time to breathe
No words to speak
No getting rid of the fears that cause this anxiety

Im looking for a way to break away from this weakness
I was separated from my strength and now i feel myself falling over
I feel my nerves shaking as the anxiety approaches
The air inside my lungs is escaping fast as i try to take a breath
Its too fast for me to catch and my heart is pounding harder
Thoughts racing;
My happiness is escaping
My tears are burning my insides until they pour out all the pain
I feel like im releasing all the water thats left inside my body;
Im so dehydrated
Im so dry that im choking on my own air
I can just feel the air escape as i try to breathe
Im losing it all as i try to grasp the memories that turn around and make negativity on me
I wanna black out and forget
But im seeing every darkness instead
Im thinking too hard
Or im being murdered inside my thoughts
I have the weapon;
And i have been using it inside my nightmares
Im fighting but nothing is being done
Im crying and im the only one
Racing heart;
I can feel it pounding
Shaking;
Im unstable
Hyperventilating;
Im dizzy
Hot flashes;
Im burning
Eyes are blurry;
The tears are falling
Weakness;
Im on the floor

The words of truth make me scream until i cry
I can no longer hear anymore
I can no longer speak anymore
Now i wont use my words anymore
My body seems to be the one in charge
Im a disguised stranger;
And i look inside a broken mirror
The pieces that shattered has broken me
I fell apart and disappeared
With the blood on the floor
I slipped and lay on the ******
I created a scene so deep
Inside my mind, im weak
But the weakness strengthened me to harm..
I have been injected with strength
And then the force takes over my body
I dont wanna scream anymore
So i raise my hands at my throat
I dont wanna run away anymore
So i put my feet in front of myself for me to fall
I dont wanna feel anymore
So i numbed myself with sharp edges
I dont wanna cry anymore
So i guide my fingers to scratch my eyes
I dont wanna be hurt anymore
But i wanted to feel it all over again

I feel my heart pounding as im forced to hold in what i should release
I just wanna hide when i feel the tears behind my eyes
I cannot breathe when i hold back my fears
My heart opens & wants to spill it all out
But my mind works differently
Im hiding behind darkness and i can't show myself in the light
Each time i want to express,
Is when i wanna cry
I look in the mirror and notice a shine in my eyes
A shine that never left
A shine when i was supposed to cry
I hold back so much, when i should be able to speak
But my mind has my tongue in knots
My mind put a block to my speech
Everything is too late
I know because i tried
Trying to reveal the tension
Trying to change the lies
Everything is too late for me to hold back
The anxiety
The depression
The moods that cant make me relax
Out and about, yes im ok
I wanna cry so bad but i have the anxiety for people to judge
So when im behind a closed door
Im unable to see
Im unable to see because its blurry
Thats when im blind
And thats when i finally cry
Glossy and hidden;
These arent contact lenses..
Its a start
A start to a fear
And then a tear appears when im in front of my mirror
And then i finish drowning behind a door

I cant stay awake anymore
My body is giving out
Its tired; not for sleep,
But a crave to be in peace
I wanna know that in the end everything will be ok
I continue to fear,
I continue to have nightmares
And then i wanna disappear
The nights of hyperventilating
The nights of tears
The nights of worry
The nights of fears
I try to erase it all
But im only making it all stay
I wanna erase it all
But it will never go away
My thought; their racing
And i cant chase them to make them die
I learned to hide, but i never learned to be invisible
I was always caught from my fears
My hiding spots were taken away
& i found myself so many times;
Deep inside a hole
A black hole that blinded me
But i stayed awake to fight
Bit then i ended up getting so tired
So tired of the ******* that lurked around me
I fought but then i lost
I my mind won a thousand times
And then my heart broke into pieces knowing my body gets weaker each day
Emotionally tired; i have nowhere to rest the thoughts;
Even make them go away
My heart tired itself fighting for another chance
I lay here tired
Emotionally tired
I lay here restless
Physically restless
I lay here numb
Spiritually numb
I lay here broken
Mentally broken

I wanna turn back time to the part where happiness stayed
Then i could think clearly
And i wouldnt be insane
The silence got ruined from my screams in which i was scared
I wanted to hide
But i just couldnt hide
My darkness inside me hadnt disappeared
I feel like my neck got smaller with an invisible rope that squeezed me
So tightly;
I couldnt breathe
I couldnt speak
And i couldnt eat
My eyes turned black;
Thats when i couldnt see
Nothing was clear
And my tears couldnt wash it away
Nothing was near
The help i needed, couldnt stay
I curse the mirror that hangs
Its a stranger inside a hidden wall
I curse the darkness that came
For the times it made me fall
I tried to run
I tried to escape
But i was found
And i was framed
Never have i ever been so terrified that i had to cry
Never have i ever been so scared that i wanted to die
And this time im drowning
Not in water; but in my tears
My worries wont ever disappear
The more deeper i go
The more i run
The other side of the tunnel will approach me
And its not the sun
Its too late to change
To change what i feel
I cant go back and change it all
This fear that chases me is real

I was waiting for that moment that my loneliness would change
The moment that i felt everything;
That moment that i felt beautiful pain
Underneath had been revealed
I feel the gentle touch from your hands
I feel the warmth of your body
I feel the soft touch from your lips
And this is only the beginning
Started with a kiss
So innocent
So sweet
Then i couldnt breathe
So trapped
So weak
And then my lips; indented from your teeth
The swelling of the lips that i couldnt speak
I was locked inside your mouth
The hard breathing that i couldnt control
I was trapped under your body
The screaming that i couldnt hold in
I learned you hated silence
The darkness blinded our eyes
But we can feel
The feeling of being restraint
But the excitement is real
The reality of the kiss
The reality of the love
The reality of the plan
The energy that couldnt stop

Its a mixture of emotions
Emotions that wont change
I still wonder why i continued to be insane
Where i stand,
Is the same spot i began with
I cannot erase my footprints if they were always mistakes i didnt change
I wanted to bury my hurts, my scars, and the memories
I wanted to close the doors, the windows, and lights
I wanted to erase the images, the words, and the time
I wanted start over but i strength already died
I didnt know that i was still struggling
I didnt know that i was still weak
I didnt know that i finally lost it all
I didnt know how to speak
I didnt know i still had to fight
I didnt know i was still had to bleed
I didnt know i still had to take pain
I didnt know how to breathe
Some days im fine
But then it all turns on me
I cant see if im blinded by negativity
I cant even breathe if i choke on all the pain
I still think,
And then i worry
I still worry,
And then i get anxiety
I get anxious,
Then i feel the anger
I get angry,
Then i feel the depression
I get depressed,
Then i cry
I feel the tears,
But i dont know why

Everything i chewed,
And everything i swallowed,
Didn't stay inside my system because it made me so nauseous
I choked on the flashbacks that strangled my throat
I choked on the memories that i just couldnt throw
But then i threw up everything except my memories and hurts
I wanted to fight it
But i had to hold on
I had to just rescue myself from being under
I just wanted to breathe it all in;
Take what i wasnt allowed to have
I stole my freedom, then locked myself away
I stole my strength that wasnt allowed to stay
I tried to get rid of my weakness but i swallowed fear
I tried to get rid of my nightmares but they would always appear
My mind breathes while my body shuts down
My mind breathes while i fall to the ground
I wanted to replace everything that harmed me
But then that means i would replace my soul, spirit and body

I still remember all the fun
Those times that i didnt know how to worry
I still remember being quiet
Those times that i wouldnt bother anybody
I still remember the excitement
I still remember the games
I still remember the happiness
Positivity was always the same
I will remember the changes
I will remember the words
I will remember the confusion
I will remember the sudden anger
I will remember the distance
I will remember the screams
I will remember being lost
I will remember how i suddenly couldnt see
Always thinking what i could have done
Always thinking what i could have said
Always thinking how to go back
Always thinking; then i cried in my bed
Always thinking not to fail
Always thinking not to be scared
Always thinking not hide
Always thinking to be prepared
I wont forget how i started to bleed
I wont forget how i couldnt speak
I wont forget how i fell to me knees
I wont forget how i couldnt breathe
I wont forget that i picked up the knife
I wont forget that i ignored the people who cared
I wont forget that i slipped away
I wont forget that i smelled poison air
I will never forget my mistakes
I will never forget my regrets
I will never forget what i have done
I will never forget who left
I will never forget what is now scarred
I will never forget what i could have changed
I will never forget that i went too far
I will never forget all the shame

Its all coming back
And i want it to stop
Nothing is working;
I thought this therapy was working
The therapy that i created to achieve a strength that is now fading away
Im feeling sick
Im feeling weak
Im feeling pained
And i cannot breathe
Im scared again
My fears have returned
Im scared again
My anxiety never learned
Im back to square one,
How it never made sense
I couldnt round off the edges into a circle
When i finally made that circle, i was in the middle and then i spun
Again it never stopped
Now the shape im in is pointed
I feel the thorns dig into my skin
I feel weak
I feel i cant feel
I feel numb
I feel i cant speak
I feel stiff
I feel i cant walk
I feel dizzy
I feel i cant breathe
I feel frozen
I feel i cant think
I feel pain
I feel im bleeding all over again

The darkness feels like its early
The darkness was always my alarm
Irritable disturbances awake me
My fears grow close to harm
Eyes wide open
Body so weak
Skin so hot
Uncomfortable to go back to sleep
Its too quiet
But my breathing is loud
My mind is restless
But my body wants to be down
My memories are coming back
Im starting this darkness game again
Emotionally drained as i try to lay down
My heart is pounding to tire out my brain
I cant force my eyes because they wont stay shut
I cant force the darkness to leave
I cant force the worries out of my head
I cant force my body to sleep
Thoughts running fast right through my head
Anxiety stops me as i try to go to bed
Time is ticking while i try to waste it all
My patients are running as i try to take control
My anger rises; irritated with fear
My sadness lowers me; i cannot control these nightmares
The darkness is leaving; havent rested yet
The morning is approaching; as i continue awake in bed

Suddenly hit from inside my body;
My heart pounds hard
It bangs on the walls of my skin;
It bangs on my lungs while i try to breathe slower
The vibration makes my blood boil
Then my veins are shaken up
I cannot control my nerves
I cannot control my lungs
I cannot control my heart
I cannot control anything at all
Its so hard to breathe when the fighting is difficult
Im fighting to stay calm
Im fighting to bring back my strength
But all i feel is weakness
All i feel is pain
Breathing without air;
I choke
Speaking without a voice;
Im silenced
Hyperventilation has lead me to dizziness
Im feeling numbness within my body
Screaming has lead me to harm my throat
Im feeling limited on what i have to express
I cant move
I cant think
I cant rely on myself anymore for anything
I cant see
I cant hear
I cant make nightmares disappear
I cant speak
I cant breathe
I cant get rid of my fears that are inside of me

I felt like i was squeezed;
Like my body was ******* itself into my bones
I felt like i was choking
Like my vocal cords had been snapped from the impact within my soul
I felt like i was weak;
Like my legs just collapsed over my feet
I felt like i was numb;
Like my skin went into a deep sleep
I felt like i couldnt move;
Like my bones turned brittle from the weakness from the cold
I felt like i was dizzy;
Like my head was spinning me around into circles
I felt like i couldnt focus;
Like my eyes kept going blurry
I felt like i couldnt hear;
Like my ears took everything in as being staticky
I felt like i couldnt breathe;
Like my lungs had been broken and my heart stopped suddenly
I felt like i could speak;
That my air had pronounced as being anxiety

I cried a million times to think that i had no more energy to push out the tears
But now im thinking twice because i feel it all over again
Im getting drained once again
I feel my heart pounding like before
I cant accept what i wanted to be unreal
I cant push away what the images are showing me
I appear alone
I appear alone with the door closed
Not only closed; but locked with an invisible key
As i lay down, the weight chokes me
Just forcing myself not to breathe; i cant think anymore
I feel a set of invisible hands strangle me as i lose control
I cant continue to think, when its making me worse
I close my eyes to try to remember how to breathe
Then suddenly i feel a wave of anxiety hit me
The fears find me,
My memories say hi to me
The past; that haunts me
I cant control whats happening
I cant control what stays
I cant control what visits me
I just cant control these emotions that remain
Lying here, feeling small
Feeling like i have no voice
I cant breathe; its just hard to breathe
Now my eyes cant see
On my back i hyperventilate,
On my back im choking
The weight is on top of me and now im trying to break free
Turning over, trying to catch my breath
I cannot escape from this feeling
My hands are so shaky as i try to gain strength to squeeze whats under my head
I thought that if i move i would erase all my thoughts
But its the same; if not worse
I feel my face all wet
Wet, from my eyes that i couldnt control
I tried to be strong one last time but i failed
Its pointless for the pain to just go away
I tried to burry my thoughts
I tried to burry my fears
But i buried my face to try to forget
But im only releasing my tears..

The strength has been forced to escape through my fears
And now it replaced itself with weakness
I bent myself the wrong way and now im broken
I twisted too far and now im fractured
I jumped too high and now i cant walk
I threw myself and now im shattered
I picked up my pieces but nothing matches
When i try to find my strength, its already hiding from me
When i try to lose my weakness, its already fighting me
I realized i did it all
I made it all disappear
I broke the rules
I escaped from safety
I ignored who spoke to me
I tried to ignore my broken dreams
I drank all the poison
I created my own scars
I made my own cuts
And i went too far
I tried to get up while my legs were numb
I tried to speak while my mouth was closed
I tried to see while my eyes were shut
I tried to hear while my ears were plugged
I tried to breathe while my lungs were collapsed
I tried to think while my mind blocked me from it all

I thought it was over but my heart is still racing
I hear the pounding in my ears
I feel the breathing suffocating me
The numbness broke off all my circulation within my body
I cant hold on to what was already lost
My dreams have crashed
And my fears are still standing
My nerves are about to snap because im shaking
I feel like the darkness wont allow me to reach the the light
I close my eyes to make it darker and then i cry
I think then i get worried
I see then i get scared
I hear then i get startled
I feel then i get hurt
I thought i would never fall, but i did
My dizziness got the best of me; now i lay on the floor
I fell; not from being pushed
Not from tripping
Not from being off balance
..only from my mind within me
My heart shakes the floor
My lungs move the air
My thoughts play on a tv
I fear what isnt there..

A scent so strong, but yet so sweet;
The colour that reveals itself, shines happily
It calms
It silences
And then it grows strong
The face so gentle
The head so strong
But then a heart so fragile
Something can go wrong
My hands all *******
Then my body suddenly turned into a shield
Im protecting what im fighting for
Im protecting what isnt real
I turned away
I shut everyone out
I turned into ticks that pierce right through my body
The vicious thorns force me to bleed out every fear
Im struggling inside the garden of mazes
I struggle to untie my knots
My blood flows into the stem
My veins are snapped from the thorns
I learned to defend but now im completely protected
I have built a garden, then i grew what decided to pierce me
I grew a rose that replaced what couldnt be new
I screamed
And then i yelled with different volumes
I wanted to break myself
My pedals are slowly falling
My thorns are growing fast
My body continues to wrap around my space
Im in the middle of trying to let myself go

My heart has been used over a thousand times
Over and over i saw the truth break through my soul
I was transformed into someone i didnt recognize;
Now my mind has full control
My eyes stayed open, and then i was forced to see what i didnt wanna see
My ears were aching, from the noises i couldnt block out
My voice was damaged, from the screaming i warned when i needed freedom
My body fell over as i tried to run, but i tripped over all the hurts that block my way..
My heart was pounding fast with these emotions that went through
But my mind was satisfied because it was the only one; happy
I wanted to close my eyes because they were burning
I wanted to plug my ears because they were hurting
I wanted be silent because my throat was stinging
I wanted to get up because my body felt so heavy
I wanted to slow myself down because i actually wasnt breathing
I wanted to shut down my mind because its slowly draining me

Unresponsive as i try to think it through
I try to undo this pain, but i cannot erase what has already been left permanent
Nothing has healed
I know, because im still wounded
Nothing was sealed
I know, because i tried every bandage
Nothing was stitched
I know, because i still bleed
Bruises fade
But the scars remain
I bleed through every tear with every pain
Im drenched in my tears
I drown as i weep
I cannot control the emotions that have a hold on me
The movies in my mind never ends
The pictures in my head never changes
The memories in my brain still wanders
My body suddenly weakens as i try to stand up to myself
I try to be the one to stop it all, but i made it worse
The sadness that i express, creates a pounding heart that shakes
The sadness that i express, creates a shaky heart that breaks
The sadness that i express, creates a broken heart so lost
Lost inside the cage of darkness
The darkness holds me without a key
Without a key, im inside a square
The square with mirrors all watching me
I watch myself try to overcome my fears
I watch myself never allowing to stop my tears

I feel the burning of the heat go through my body
And now the humidity squeezes my head so that im unable to think
The water is filling up my space quickly
And then i feel myself drowning as i try to swim
The darkness traps my dreams
And now my nightmares broke through my strength
I feel the anxiety creeping up because suddenly i feel numb
Then im hyperventilating; and now im unable to breathe
I feel my heart pounding as my moods make a switch to confuse me
One minute its happiness the next is depression
I dont know what im feeling
When my head is squeezed
When my body is drowning
When my weakness is gone
When my fears are scary
When i cannot breathe
Is when im out of control
When i try to defend myself
Is when my fears are stronger than my soul

I finally go deep inside my mind
I close my eyes and suddenly i cry
I see everything now;
That i never saw before
I see everything i chased right out the door
I remember the times i threw myself to the ground
I lay there broken;
Never wanted to be found
I shut my door
I ignored who cared
I only focused on all my fears and nightmares
Those nights that i cried
Those nights i wanted to hide
Those nights that i had a knife
Those nights that i wanted to die
The nights i drank to forget
Were the nights i wanted to be numb
The nights i picked up a knife
Were the nights i wasnt afraid of blood
The times that anxiety choked me
I was struggling and i was weak
My fears kept getting closer to me
Then i just never wanted to see
The anger never stops
The depression never leaves
The weakness never strengthens
The ongoing of memories

Sitting alone waiting
Waiting for it all to change
The nightmares are scary
And my fears are dangerous to me
I look back to the past and i try to erase the pain
But its all permanent; the scars are all over my body and mind
I stitched myself together so i wont fall apart again
I was bleeding from the inside out and it started through a hole in my heart
When that hole got bigger i just decided to rip it out
The big hole in my chest welcomed darkness inside my body
Inside im turned around to face the mirror
The mirror that showed me a stranger that i didnt know
Inside im turned upside down to face the ground
The ground that holds me because i cannot lift myself up
Inside i break
I break into pieces
My mind broke my body and im forced to put myself back together again
As i reach, i finally touch the broken bits
But i cut myself deep
Its all sharp to put it all back the way it was
Sharp like a knife;
But then i didnt mind
I accepted the pain
And then i got an addiction from bleeding through my skin
I suddenly felt all dizziness
And then i gave up on looking
I suddenly felt the calmness
And suddenly i lay down to forget it all
I never ended up picking up the pieces
The pieces that were broken from my mind
I feel so brainwashed
And i cannot remember who i was

Its been too long since i saw your face
Its been too long since you slipped away
Its still in my nightmares that i dont wanna believe the truth
I cant forget how it hurt
How it hurt to be separated
I cant forget how it felt
How it felt to be torn away
I cant forget how much shock i was
In
How shocked i was to experience this pain
I cant forget how much pain
How much pain was brought on that day
The last memory
The last words
The last prayer that i ever heard
The last kiss
The last touch
The last feeling that was so painful
I wont ever heal
I wont ever stop these cries
I wont ever let go
I wont ever forget that last goodbye..

Mom❤️

That part of your body when something is taken
Then your unable to function
It squeezes out and escapes until the memory game is played
Normality is hiding
And the darkness is seeking
I left myself alone
And then i lost it all
My mind went left and my body went right
My mind turned on me and my heart ran from me
I suddenly lost control and so i suddenly lost myself
I cant remember how i ended up so deep
Deep inside a hole, that im sinking each time i fail
When i failed i looked through a reflection for my last hope..
I looked in the mirror and i asked for my memories
It just threw itself on the floor and shattered to pieces
The pieces were the memories that wouldnt allow me to piece back together
Piece by piece, i bleed when i pick up the glass
I have to start over
I have to piece it back together
The mirror broke itself to test me
I have to gain it all back
But where do i find my strength because it got erased

My anger is rising to the point where i cant breathe
My heart is just pounding hard as i try to escape from myself
The fears and nightmares are what i hate
The tears are running down my face
I wanna run but i know i cant hide
Regrets of shame
Regrets of mistakes
I tried to undo the knots in my own string
I tried to erase what was written out of my mouth
My string was cut
And then i fell overboard
I couldnt erase what i already said
It was permanent
Like a black market that cant disappear
I look at whats inside and try to break what i want to make it go away
Nothing moves
Nothing heals
Nothing changes
Nothing disappears
My forces pulled me to react with no reason
My screams left my throat dry
My strength left my hands weak
The nerves in my body; trembling as i shake
I punched through a wall that i have created
I swam through the puddles that my tears left behind
And now at the end of the tunnel what have I accomplished?
Fighting but i lost
Hiding but im found
Running but im caught
I lost but then i won
And then i regret fighting
I was found but then i found another hiding spot; and then i stayed in the darkness
I regret closing my eyes
I was caught but then i ran faster
I regret going down the wrong path
I felt controlled
I was out of control
I couldnt speak without screaming
I couldnt see without crying
I couldnt breathe without hyperventilating
I couldnt hear without the noises
I screamed
I cried
I hyperventilated
I heard noises
And i couldnt control my actions

Its all closed
Its all locked
And everything is dark around me
Inside but cant get out
Listening but cant make a sound
Looking but cant see clear
Speaking but noone can hear
Around me i cannot explain
When i try to speak, noone can u understand
And when i try to make them understand, they get confused
Reaching out; this isnt a game
Reaching out; cause im going insane
I wanna close my eyes and then open them without being afraid
But my fears are all around me
My nightmares are out to get me
Im so isolated with fire and i feel im going to burn out
The tension is around me when i try to breathe
I cannot put my air anywhere so i choke
Im hyperventilating inside body; theres no room to breathe
My heart pounds faster but my body is weak
It suddenly stops because im ******* myself in my bones as i try to squeeze
I have no strength; its taken away
My weakness escaped
My strength, locked away
I wanna speak but i choke
I wanna see but my eyes close
I wanna hear but my ears are injected with static
I wanna feel but im so numb
I wanna run but i fall
I wanna breathe but my airway have been blocked
I wanna scream but my mouth is covered
I wanna cry but my eyes are shut tight
I wanna be told that i can escape but im told that i have to remain locked up inside
I wanna ice my skin but i will get frost bitten
I wanna pick myself up but im pinned to the floor
I wanna take in the breaths but my lungs have collapsed
I wanna start over but i cant
I wanna turn back time but it wont
I wanna unlock to escape,
But i threw away the key

The heart that pounds
The breath that was lost
The weakness in the body
The blurriness in the eyes
The numbness in the hands
The headaches that wont leave
The sharp pain within the skin
The blindness in the eyes
The anger that was brought on
The anxiety that would carry on
The depression that wouldnt move on
The tears in the eyes
The reality that changed
The memories that wont fade
The nightmares that stayed
The fears that wont ever escape
The strength to move on
The thoughts that block the eyes
The darkness that forbids
The drowning in the night

The feeling when my mind is numb
Is when i lose all concentration when i try to think
In a sudden shock; i freeze
My body is frozen, and then i forget how to breathe
Silence is interfering when i try to look for hidden words
I cannot speak when i want to speak
Something is stopping me
I forgot everything i wanted to do;
Everything i wanted to say
It all got ripped out of me
I feel so empty inside
I use to write with my brain
I had words all over me
My stories were told
My memories would show
Then my mind erased it all
The good memories turned bad
The stories didnt end happy
The other side of me changed and stood out more then the light
I was covered in black
I cannot erase what got painted on me
Its all black
Its all dark
I feel blind
I feel scared
No words are allowed to be spoken
I know because i tried
Its like my memories restored
Its like the good ones were a dream
Im in a nightmare now
And now i can hardly see
Now i try to use my head,
But it just keeps blocking me
Im limited to my thoughts
Im limited to speak out loud
Then when i speak in silence, its so hard to think
My body got washed out
I cant remember how to move
My voice got washed out
I cant remember how to speak
My hearing got washed out
I cant remember how to listen
My sight got washed out
I cant remember how to see
My breathing got washed out
I cant remember how to breathe
My heart got washed out
And then my mind took over
There is emptiness within

Its silent
Its dark
And i only hear my breathing to the fast pace of my heart
Noones listening
Just myself observing
I tell myself that everything is never gonna be the same
My image broke years ago
Everyday i walk against invisible crutches; that i depend on to guide me through my fears
Sometimes i let go and i wanna fall
Lose all my strength;
Then lose it all
I try to keep my focus
But all i see is the past
I lay down and roll over and keep saying i wanna go back
I cannot return whats been brought to me
I tried to make things work
I tried to heal the hurt
Then reality got worse
The feeling of numbness
But then the feeling of knives
The feeling of loneliness
But then the feeling of my fears beside me
The feeling of hyperventilating
But then the feeling of intoxication
The feeling of anxiety
But then the feeling of being dangerously calm
The feeling of hallucinations
But then the feeling of the reality of life
When i think, I remember
When i remember, i feel the anger
When i feel the anger, i feel the sadness
And then i feel the tears from eyes run down as i cry myself to sleep..