The hands on the clock are in control
The type of control that can last for hours
Every second counts
Every minute is never wasted
And every hour theres alot to do
Every second is when I lose track of the kisses, thats being placed on me
Every minute is when Im impatient to have my soul stripped from being naked
Every hour I want more
I gather my thoughts just like you gather yours
The numbers that mean the hours,
are things we plan behind closed doors
The hands to the clock is your arms that hold me down
The clock is my body, controlled by your hands
I dont wanna stop the time

My eyes were made to see, but seduction distracted me
My lips were made to speak, but your kiss ignored me
my body was made to reach, but your hands kept wandering

Your eyes were made to ****** me, and not to see
Your lips were made to kiss me, and not to speak
Your ears were made to hear my screams, and not to hear anything else
Your hands were made to touch me, and not touch anything else

The wall was made to hold me up, when you throw me against it
The floor was made to catch my clothes, when you strip them off of me
The bed was made to hold me, when you roughly make love to me

Your unexpected touch held my body so close to yours
You wouldnt let go but I never struggled
The kiss that you placed on me was followed by a bite that made me bleed
I never backed away because I wanted you to keep seducing me
You unbuttoned  me as i was thrown on the bed
You unzipped me as you lowered your head
I lay there watching your clothes come off
Then the bed intended as you climbed on top
I finally felt my wrists burning from the tightness of your hands
But I didnt want to break free from the trap that you had planned

With your every strength, you made me weak
The kinda weakness i wanted in the sheets
I felt you before you actually touched me
I wanted you before you actually grabbed me
Your eyes pierced me, so i went blind
The kinda blind that shut my mind,
It was replaced what i saw in our world
Your mouth bit me, so i went numb
The kinda numb that stopped all my pain, but i regained wanted pain from you and that made me go insane
My buttons became loose
My pants became unzipped
I couldnt move, until you had me stripped
I lost all my weakness as soon as you kissed me
I lost all my strength the minute you ******
me

I felt a cold sensation on my neck that travelled to my stomach
From your hands to your mouth, it travelled below my waist
My lungs breathed cold air from the ice that you controlled
I shivered sexually on the bed naked as you continued to melt the ice cubes on my body
I needed a warm sensation to heat my body
I needed your body to cover me
With your lips, you warmed my frostbites
With your hands, you held my wrists tight
With your tongue, you caught every cold drip
With your hands, my hips quenched your grip
My body is cold & wet
My clothes have disappeared and are drenched
You melted a solid down my body
You wanted to see me go crazy

It was the kinda touch I wanted when I felt your hand around my throat
You squeezed for the air to be trapped, but you wanted to hear a scream
It was the kinda kiss I wanted when I felt your mouth ****** onto my lips
You bit for for me to bleed, and not to be cut
It was the kinda feeling I wanted when I felt your body holding me down
You pressed so I would be trapped, but you wanted to watch my body move
It was that kinda seduction I wanted when I felt everything you did
You made me fall in love with *** all over again

I never cry for no reason
The tears never leak without a push
The greatest sadness depends on the mind, body, & soul
Before these tears, I try to fight
Then theres a push on my lungs that moves up to my throat
Anxiety has arrived;
It never goes
My throat locked itself from the air that passes through
I tried to breathe one last time, but my strength was too dry
So finally, I cried

I wanted to starve my pain but I didnt know how
Instead of taking it away, I fed it innocently thinking it would leave
The pain ate away at my happiness
I began to hyperventilate
I became angry
I became sad
It showed me my fears that I tried to drown for years
But the pain allowed them swim
I tried to run, but the pain made me slow down by allowing my blood to forced its way through my scars
The scars that i thought were healed, opened up;
Now my body is weak all over again

A razor cuts
A knife stabs
A punch bruises
I have been cut but not from a razor
I have been stabbed but not from a knife
I have been bruised but not from a punch
The razor was this tiny voice that noone heard, but was ignored from my mind
The knife was my heart that kept wanting to fight
The punch was my body bringing myself down
I was my own victim that i threw to the ground

I learned to quench my thirst with a drink that also quenched my fears
I learned to quench my fears with a drink that also quenched my moods
I learned to quench my moods with a drink that also quenched my anxiety
I learned to quench my anxiety with a drink that also quenched my depression
I learned to quench my depression with a drink that also quenched my mind
my mind was quenched for trying to forget but now the alcohol is done

I met a friend who appeared to be fake
I met a friend who i wanted to break
Taught me how to live, but made me go crazy
Taught me how to be happy, but made me cry
Taught me how to love, but made me hate
Taught me how to heal, but made me bleed
Taught me how to breathe, but gave me anxiety
Taught me how to relax, but made me
angry
Taught me how be strong, but made me weak

I lived in fear, thats why i went crazy
I was happy, because crying too much drowned me
I love, because pain was the only partner i had
I healed from the cuts & scars that were purposely done to my body
I breathed in so much toxic that harmed me
I was relaxed after i used negative paths to help me
I was strong to feed my weakness

I met a friend, that friend was me.
I was the one that destroyed my body, my soul and my sanity..

I felt like i could breathe again with a kiss on my lips
Till that kiss turned into a makeout session, thats when i couldnt catch my breath
I felt like i could breathe again with your arms around me
Till your hands started wandering, thats when i couldnt catch my breath
I felt like i could breathe again you kissed upon my neck
Till those kisses bruised me with hickies, thats when i couldnt catch my breath
I felt like i couldnt breathe again when we made love
Till the *** was rough & hard, thats when i couldnt catch my breath

I felt your kisses turning into bites
I felt your hands turn into handcuffs that held my wrists tight
I felt your tongue drench my body
I felt my lungs breathing heavy
I felt our sweat drip over the sheets
I felt my chest being sexually squeezed
I felt your hands pull my hair hard
I felt that your body was my guard

You guarded me with every move
Every move was fast
Every move was rough
Every move was hard
I learned how to catch my breath from being under your body

I went from strong to weak; my body broke down
I never functioned after i had fallen
But i fell mentally, not physically
And i broke a thousand pieces within me
I failed myself physically; because i harmed what was already hurt
And i bruised what was already visible
I had shattered what was already broken
And i hid what was already lost
When my body broke, i had lost the strength to continue;
and so when i fell, i had lost the ability walk
When my mind collapsed, everything collapsed, so i became broken into pieces & shattered into slivers
I couldnt put myself back together
Only my mind has the ability to fix me
But it wont
I became lost, and confused
Tired, and abused
I became worthless, and used
Thrown, and reused
I wanted revenge, but i couldnt
I asked my mind to set me free, but it wouldnt

I see everything, but my eyes are closed
I hear every rumour, but my ears are plugged
I screamed really loud, but my lungs are collapsed
I breathed every breath, but my heart had stopped
I felt every touch, but i was so numb

My eyes had opened, and i saw only darkness
My ears were unplugged, and i only heard white noise
My lungs were healed, but i was unable to speak
My heart began pumping, but i couldnt breathe
My body had feeling, but i felt nothing

When i used to say goodnight,
I saw you in the morning
When i used to say im leaving,
I came back while you were there
When i used to call you on the phone,
Your voice would always be on the other side
When i used to go out,
You would stay up until i got home
When i went to bed,
I would wake up to see you still sleeping
When i used to smell your cooking,
You would always make enough for an army
When i used to say goodbye to you,
I said hello when i came home

I cant hear your goodnights anymore
I cant hear your goodmornings anymore
I cant talk to you on the phone anymore
I cant see you sleeping anymore
I cant smell your cooking anymore
I cant hear your hellos anymore
because i never thought i would ever be forced to say goodbye..

I created episodes like you would see on a tv show;
but mine were real
I became crazy like you would see in a thriller movie;
but my moodswings wasnt an act
I cried like you would see a baby in tears;
But i was hurting
I screamed like you would see in a horror film;
But my fears and demons are chasing me
I was out of control like you would see in an action movie
But my actions wouldnt lie
i would be silent like you would see in a mute person;
But my voice wont allow me to speak
I wouldnt listen like you would see a deaf person;
But my ears wont allow me to hear
I couldnt look like you would see a blind person;
But my eyes wouldnt allow me to see
I couldnt breathe like you would see a heart stop;
But my lungs kept me hyperventilating with anxiety
I became distant like you would see miles away;
but i actually disappeared

I have asked for silence,
Not to go deaf or unable to speak.
I have asked for everything to be gone,
Not to go blind.
I have asked to breathe calmly,
Not to completely stop breathing.
I have asked to be releaved,
Not to go weak.
I have asked to forget things,
Not to have amnesia.
I have asked to dim the lights,
Not to be trapped in the darkness.
I have asked to stop the nightmares,
Not to stop sleeping.
I have asked to stop crying,
Not to stop all emotions.
I have asked to cool down,
Not to freeze.
I have asked to be warm,
Not to boil with heat.
I have asked to be patient,
Not to wait forever.
I have asked to stop all the problems,
Not to stop everything.
I have asked to turn away from the mirror,
Not for it to break me.
I have asked that things go back to normal,
Not for everything to appear as something worse.
I have asked to change myself,
Not to be changed into a stranger I dont even know.

Putting my brain to work,
I think it all out.
This mood has been going on for such a long time.
So much anxiety all at once.
So much anger all at once.
Slowly,
I just want to get all this buildup out,
Thats stuck inside of me.
I need to be free.
The sounds of music,
The sad songs are played.
Its minor,
To loosen everything up.
The silence within me;
My mind throws everything in my face,
So I can be reminded of all the pain.
The clear glass of alcohol,
I drink it all away.
The sharp razor of the knife,
I bleed it all away.
My eyes meet the photos of the past;
I continue to stare deep inside the portraits of happiness.
The mirror pulls me to have a conversation.
Im hypnotized without a sound to have eye contact,
With the stranger on the wall.
My mind;
I have no control.
My body;
Im being forced.
My soul;
I make myself invisible.
Trapped;
My mind is forcing me to put my life on hold.
Trapped;
My body takes the beatings.
Trapped;
My soul disappears from it all.
All at once,
Im trapped.
My tears break the silence.

‎4 years ago today, we were all gathered together
4 years ago today, we were all losing our minds
4 years ago today, the doctor couldnt lie
4 years ago today, we knew we were going to cry
4 years ago today, we saw you suffering
4 years ago today, you had your last sight
4 years ago today, you had your last movement
4 years ago today, you had your last hearing
4 years ago today, you had your last breath
4 years ago today, all our tears were coming down hard
4 years ago today we knew god was whispering "come with me"
4 years ago today we had no choice but to say goodbye
4 years ago today, god took you to his kingdom
4 years ago today, we knew you were the new queen of angels    
4 years ago today, is the anniversary of your death
4 years ago today, is the day i will never forget
4 years ago today, is the day i cry the most
4 years ago today, is the day i visit your place
4 years ago today, next year is another hard day

A feeling of migraines meant its stress,
But one time it meant a sign of something wrong
A feeling of confusion meant being forgetful,
A feeling of exhaustion meant not enough sleep,
But one time it meant all the energy was drained
But one time it meant the brain isnt thinking properly
A feeling of being sick meant its just the flu,
But one time it meant a diagnostic
Visitation at the hospital meant the strength will pick back up,
But one time it meant the weakness took over
Visitation at the hospital meant hope for getting back to normal,
But one time it meant praying for good health
Visitation at the hospital meant everything would be ok,
But one time it meant the worse is yet to come

Coming home meant no more worries
But one time, it meant that there was nothing more that could have been done
Coming home meant happiness
But one time it meant sadness
Coming home meant get some rest
But one time it meant going to sleep forever
Coming home meant recovering
But it actually meant dying..

Thank you for teaching me how to walk;
now i know why you followed me
Thank you for teaching me how to run;
now i know why you chased me
Thank you for teaching me how to scream;
now i know why you scared me
Thank you for teaching me how to cry;
now i know why you tortured me
Thank you for teaching me how to bleed;
now i know why you cut me
Thank you for teaching me how to gasp for air;
Now i know why you gave me anxiety
A mind is a crooked teacher in disguise.
It appears at every episode of struggle
It appears at every episode to make sure you remain weak
It takes away your strengths and feeds you with weakness
It robs you of learning to build a relationship with yourself, so it becomes your enemy

I never gave a hand to decorate the christmas tree again
My strength was forced to stop all the fun
I never smelled the baking of christmas dessert again
Its a sweet tooth that ill never use again
I never helped wrap presents late at night again
Its the muscles in my hands that were forced to stop working
I never road in a car again
The rides for christmas visits had to be stopped
I never loved christmas again
That part of my heart is with a golden heart who is missing every year

Whos safe in our hearts, is not always safe for our spirits
Whos safe in our dreams, is not always safe in our nightmares
Whos safe in a photo, is not always safe in our memories
Whos safe in our brains, is not always safe in our minds
They are safe on the other side, but not safe for our health
They are safe above, but not safe for our life
They are safe in our hearts, but now safe in our tears
They were safe being close to us, but its not safe for our sanity is they forever disappeared

My eyes are blurry and i choose not to see
I always hoped when they open, everything would go back to normal
But its like a waterfall; pouring all over me
Im drenched and cold from the liquid that takes over me
The drops that fell on the floor were for me to slip and fall
The puddles that were made for me to ignore a reflection
I took the drops and i made the puddles
I took the puddles and i made an ocean
The ocean that i was forced to swim in, but then i drowned
And when i drowned, was when i couldnt take no more

Im liking my nightmares
and loving the darkness
Im hating my dreams
and im despising the light
Im liking my fears
and loving the horror
Im hating the happiness
and im despising the excitement
Im liking every sad moment
Im loving every angry episode
Im loving every negative thought,
Because my mind taught me what the brain was told

I remembered the past,
because im living in fear
I remembered the pain,
because i dealt with it for years
I remembered the blade,
because i opened the cuts
I remembered being dizzy,
because i drowned in my blood
I remembered being weak,
because i stole my own strength
I remembered my heart,
because it shattered while i broke
I remembered my tears,
because my mind had me controlled

I pretended like i was a fortune teller,
because i was used to the negativity that happened all around me
For years, i never prepared for the worst,
but i prepared my emotions
I trained my mind to accept what was
thrown at me
And then i trained my body to accept what was harming me.

I got anxiety before things happened
I cried before i knew what would make me sad
I got angry before i knew what would upset me
I became bruised before i was hurt inside
I bled before my skin was cut
I fought before a fight was started
I fell before i ran

I hyperventilated before the anxiety
I poured out tears before i could cry
I screamed before i could get angry
I was marked before i could get bruised
I drowned in my blood before i could bleed
I lost a fight before i could battle myself
I broke before i could catch my fall

I was already immune to the darkness, because i never saw the light
I was already immune to the pain, because i knew what always harmed me
I was already immune to myself,
because im the reason i was prepared

The noise of thunder starts as i have an outburst
Then the blinking lights of lightning strikes at my body; and so the rain pours when i cry
The storm hides my behaviour
I like the rain;
It hides all my tears
I like the thunder;
It hides my anger
I like the lightning;
It hides my scars
I stand under the clouds that was pulled from my mind
I  voiced the thunder that my ears had to find
I walked through the lightning that was made with a knife
I run through the rain that was made from my eyes
i find temporary shelter from the storm in my mind
But then i changed..
I kept wanting the feeling of the rain on my face, i became blind
I listened to the thunder too much, i became deaf
I played too much with the lightning, i became weak

So the shelter, that was my body, never lasted.
There was no escapism
I created a storm that was forced not to end
I tried, and i failed
How can a body be a shelter, if the mind is the storm

The noise of thunder starts as i have an outburst
Then the blinking lights of lightning strikes at my body; and so the rain pours when i cry
The storm hides my behaviour
I like the rain;
It hides all my tears
I like the thunder;
It hides my anger
I like the lighting;
It hides my scars
I stand under the clouds that was pulled from my mind
I  voiced the thunder that my ears had to find
I walk through the lightning that was made with a knife
I run through the rain that was made from my eyes

I started to run away from the mind that was chasing me all these years until finally my bones gave out
I accepted alot of heartache until the colour of my heart turned black
I kept appearing into the darkness and saw that nothing else helped me but the blades of a knife; who wanted to puncture me. the replaced my tears as i closed my eyes from relaxation
I met a stranger that friended me. A stranger that would only harm me. A stranger that was using me. A stranger that was me.
I saw that my soul was being stripped; and i was already to late to save myself

My bones that held me up became brittle as i ran
The heart that was warm turned cold when my mind stole it away
The skin that covered my weaknesses became scarred as i created harm
The mind that was sane became insane when the devil wanted to play
The soul that was living happy became dead as it fell into depression

After my bones became brittle, i broke
After my heart became cold, it shattered
After my skin became scarred, i bled
After my mind became insane, it erased
After my soul became depressed, it died

I kept myself in the darkness when i was scared
I wanted it to be darker so i couldnt see
If i opened my eyes in the light i saw every single wrong,
And every single mistake

I cant turn the time backwards but i can turn my back
I cant close the doors but i can close my eyes
I cant run away but i can chase my fears
I cant fight but i can harm
I cant erase but i can disappear

I cant forget but i try to ignore
I cant dream but i try to deal with the nightmares
I cant stop the pain but i try to heal
I cant stop hyperventilating but i try to breathe
I cant stop the anger but i try to lower my heart rate
I cant stop crying but i try to wipe away my tears

I tried to then everything around but in the end i actually turned it upside down
Even though i found different ways of coping, it never mattered anymore.
It was all darkness with a little nightlight on; and i was barely seeing

I came into my own world with sharp edges of a delicate body
A world that i created in the darkness
I was blind to see the truth behind all the lies; and so i became bitter
A bitter mind that my body couldnt turn sweet
A cold heart that my skin couldnt turn into heat
My nails broke whenever i scratched notes to myself on my skin
The blood from my veins didnt want to stay in
I cried with pointy tears,
The shattered glass that came from my eyes, harmed me till i went blind
I couldnt see no more happiness
I couldnt see no more light
I only saw deep within my body that was dark and broken inside
I couldnt breathe because my nose broke
And my lungs are collapse so i am only able to choke
My eardrums popped as i always heard myself scream
I scared my heart so then it forced itself to squeeze
I saw right through myself and then i knew what i really was
I have made the choice to unleash my own demons from my dark dreams
I was attacked from my own hands
And my body was thrown down to the floor by my own strength
When i hit the floor i heard a crack that came from my knees
Then my whole body broke as
I started to bleed

I feel frozen inside
My body froze over when i knew i couldnt hide
I feel hot inside
My heart burned when there was anger inside that made the flames grow
I feel numb inside
My body lost feeling from a sudden shock to my veins
I feel dizzy inside
My head spins as i try to hold before i fall
I feel broken inside
My body falls when my bones shift to pieces
I feel anxious inside
My lungs collapse when there is weakness in my chest
I feel anger inside
My body shakes as my nerves get tangled
I feel hyperventilation inside
My stomach turns as the waves inside push me down
I feel confused inside
My eyes are crossing as i get lost and cannot see
I feel depressed inside
My moodswings wont stop changing and messing with my mind
I feel scared inside
All my fears block me from moving, and so i feel trapped inside;
I trapped myself by losing control

When i never trusted, until i met you
When i never listened, until i heard you
When my eyes were closed, until you opened them up
When i couldnt speak, until you forced out my voice
When i couldnt stop crying, until you wiped my tears
When i was full of anger, until you made me smile
When i was outta control, until you calmed me
When i would run, until you stopped me
When i was scared, until you protected me
When i wanted to give up, until you made me fight
When i was weak, until you made me strong

When i was lost, until you found me
When i couldnt love, until you loved me
When i was half, until you made me whole

I thought i was cured
In the end my strength ran out
I ended up picking up the pieces from when i broke myself
All over again, i fall
I tried to run, and i ruined it all
Im at square one again
I want to quit, but i will give up on myself
I thought the struggle was over
But i saw a temporary bandage lasting most of my lifetime until it came off of my wounds
I started bleeding again
I cried, and i started suffocating again
Im breathing heavy; im back to being the enemy
My darkness is alive and once again, its after me
I thought i saved myself, but i was only inside a room that was locked for protection
The lock was broken, and the door had opened
My mind came inside once again
Inside the room; waking me from my dream once again
I thought my nightmares were over;
It was only the light that covered the darkness
I was walking with the light, and now it shut itself off
Im left trapped in the darkness once again; so i cannot see
I cant see the mirror
I cant see me
I thought i shattered the mirror; i broke my enemy
But it was glued back together with blood
Blood that came from inside me
Now i see again; but i dont want to look into my own eyes
Im broken once again
I see the past and now i see myself in disguise
I thought i stripped my enemy off
I thought it died,
But i guess i was wrong
It was in a deep sleep; it had woken up from my darkest dream
Im fighting once again; i want to run again
I want my strength again
It has started again

I shut everyone out
I kept everything inside
I showed i was ok
But inside i was always screaming
There was a lock on my heart that i never allowed to open
I threw away the key, and i coloured my heart black

I was kept behind invisible bars that i built
They became hot,
Whenever i tried to escape, i burnt myself
Behind the bars i still had no escape regardless if the bars melted me.
These walls never opened themselves for me to leave
They listened to me scream
They listened to me cry
They listened to me kissing my heart goodbye
I cried in every corner
I bled on their entire floor
I went crazy when i knew i couldnt free myself
I just locked myself in and i created a sell that turned cold

By myself everyday,
I just wanted to leave
By myself everyday,
I couldnt breathe
By myself everyday,
I had racing thoughts
By myself everyday,
I was so dangerous
By myself everyday,
I cried
By myself everyday,
I tried to fight

I begged my mind to let me go
I had enough
I wanted out
I was alone with myself so i became weak
As i began to have certain thoughts,
I became stranded from my own mind
When i was stranded, i turned to my heart
My heart was too weak when i wanted the help
I turned to a wall to listen to me
I turned to a second wall to hold me up while i fall
I turned to the third wall to take my punches
I turned to the fourth wall to save me

I questioned depression how to smile;  then it laughed at me
I question anger how to stay calm; then it ignored me
I questioned anxiety how to breathe; then it breathed hard down my neck
I questioned my mind how to change; then it changed my innocence

I acted as if everything was ok
I wanted to show everything was fine
I wanted to have everything hidden
I wanted to keep everything inside
I wanted it all to stop
I wanted to end the pain
I wanted to just bleed so i could start all over again
I showed no pain when i wanted to breathe
When i was alone, the anxiety strangled me
I showed no weakness when i wanted to fight
When i was alone, my strength ate me up inside
I showed i was happy when i wanted to cry
When i was alone, i drowned from my eyes
I showed i was calm when i wanted to be angry
When i was alone, everything took advantage of me
When i was strangled, i couldnt breathe
When the strength ate me up inside, i found my weakness and it brought me to my knees
On my knees i begged; i was drowning and i couldnt see
My eyes were covered it salty water and my lungs wouldnt set me free
I wanted to be set free, but i was being taken advantage of, i was lost
I became angry and my body suddenly collapsed
Everything was not ok
Everything was not fine
I continued to keep my arms hidden
I continued to be quiet inside
It hasnt stopped
The pain began again
I still bleed from the inside out
Im scarred and i want it all to end

What happens when your strong
And you keep yourself up
But what happens when you lose control and you appear to be cut
There was a monster who scared me
I wanted to run but it caught me
There was a darkness that closed me
I wanted to hide but it found me
There was a nightmare that terrified me
I wanted to wake up but my eyes wouldnt listen to me
There was a game that liked me
I didnt want to play but it forced me
There was anxiety that entered my body
I wanted to breathe but it choked me
There was depression that tricked me
I wanted to be happy but the sadness surrounded me
There was anger that covered me
I wanted to be calm but it tackled me
The monster was a tool that was used to fight me;
My innocence,
Taken
My mind turned against me
There was a tool that was used as a weapon
That took all my strengths;
And my happiness was forgotten
There was a weapon and i call it my mind
I tried to cut the illness
But instead i cut myself deep inside

When my dreams turned into nightmares
When my nightmares finally came true;
I indulged a sudden shock to my body
I indulged what i should have prevented
I wanted to feel what everyone feared
I wanted to do what people dont do
I tried to force myself to be strong, but that strength was my mind over my heart
And my soul over my body
I learned to appear in front of a mirror; blinded from the person i saw
My fears werent leaving
My anxiety kept rising
My anger escalated
My depression had me dying
One day i turned & i snapped
I explored & i had to act
I wanted to change what changed me
I wanted to hurt what was slowly killing me
I ignored my hearts attention when i heard the knife calling
I welcomed my minds whispers when the razors had me eyeballing
I couldnt control
I couldnt turn back
My mind was in charge
I couldnt fight back
As i start to cry
It was time to end my innocence inside
The new thing i needed, was already planned
It was my last resort
It was my escape
It was the love of my mind
But the master to my heart
And i was behind invisible bars
Chained; locked inside my own body
I couldnt go on feeling unsatisfied
I couldnt go on feeling lonely
& so i made friends with a knife, a razor, and scissors
They taught me how to hurt
Taught me how to bleed
Taught me how to aim
And taught me it wouldnt be easy
It wasnt easy; they were right.
But what they meant;
It wouldnt be easy to turn back and fight.
It was an addiction
I loved the pain
The pain was gone
But there was darkness that still remained
Everyday i would continue
Self mutilation was the only answer
The red lines on my body never faded
I cut deep
I cut deep in the past;
& so i took the knife deep with me
I cut deep in my nightmares;
& so i took the razor deep with me
I cut deep at my problems;
& so i cut it all with the scissors
There was no more pain, but i was bleeding
I needed the pain, but i was blinded
I loved the pain, but i was confused
I always had the pain, because now im bruised.
Inside was who i truly saw
Inside was who i truly felt
I have been played with,
****** with,
Used
And im the only one to blame for hurting myself

There is an invisible light thats blinding me
I want to shut it off but it wont let me
I wanna close the door and forget whats behind me
I wanna lay the past to rest
There is a reflection that shines on me
The mirrors around me wont shatter
I keep seeing a shadow that follows me
The lost soul of my spirit's nest
I breathe in anxiety
I breathe out hyperventilation
I gasp for air as my heart pounds faster
My lungs had finally collapsed
I feel numb & pain at the same time
I feel dizzy & stability working together
I feel heart failure & heart success
I feel my life had been put to the test
I see the mistakes
I see the disappointments
I see the sadness
I see the anger
I wanted correction
I wanted satisfaction
I wanted happiness
I wanted pleasure
I cried
I screamed
I hurt myself
I found escapes
I finally was calm
I finally was quiet
I finally was relaxed
But i was in danger from all the pain
I wanna forget
I wanna redo
I wanna erase
I wanna wipe away that life
The nightmares & fears
The pain & the tears
The aggression & abuse
The starvation of wanting to fight

I saw all the colours fade
They faded into grey
They faded into black
And then i saw beautiful flowers trying to replace a beautiful soul
And nothing can replace another broken soul
I watched every second
I cried every second
I wished every second for the weakness to be gone
I often wondered why, but God gave me no answer
I often asked multiple questions, but
God ignored every single one of them
Nothing was cured
Not even my heart
Nothing was done
Not even a miracle
The prayers that got delivered, are still locked up in my brain
But then i often thought about what could have been prevented if the devil hadnt stepped in
Her days were getting short,
And i saw a bed being made up above
I dreamt of a queen but i never knew who
Until the day came
Until there was nothing left to do
Why take such an innocent soul
Why take such a beautiful face
Why rob the family of happiness
Why make such a terrible mistake
A sleeping beauty that never woke up,
Everything was done
And left us in shock
There was a new place to hold her
To place her body
To keep her
From his hands to her wings
They gained an angel
But we lost a queen

*dedicated to my mother i miss and love u so much

My chest is so heavy, and i feel like my heart is going to fall
My skin is cold, numb; and i feel nothing at all
And then i feel a puddle; its my tears
that i had made myself sink
Im gasping for air, and i feel nothing except water that keeps pushing me in
I feel like im being dragged to the floor
Like a chain attached to my heart and i can no longer unlock the door
My eyes are closing, they are burning inside
The portraits of pain has made me gone blind
Im so weak within my body;
I fell; noone to catch me
I lay here on the floor and i scream for help so suddenly
Alone; noone around
Noone is near, noone hears my loud mouth
My heart dropped its beat on the ground
Now i cannot hear; im deaf from the loud sound
Like a speaker that blew;
I exploded, and my heart did too
It happened; i broke,
I shattered, my heart spoke
I bled, im on the ground
Im done, no more being dragged down

I can feel an anxiety thats coming through with force
My body is shaking
My body is trembling and then im numb
I feel a gentle flow running down my face from my eyes
My face is shining
My face feels wet
Now my face shines, but not with happiness
Im sparkling now with brokenness
I wiped away everything that ran down my face
I was glowing
I was sparkling
I couldnt get these tears off my face anymore
I was angry
I was anxious
I couldnt stop these tears from coming through my eyes
I was depressed
I was hurt
I couldnt stop these feelings tearing my heart out of my chest
I wanna run, but where will i hide
I wanna speak, but what will i say
I wanna fall, but whos going to catch me
I wanna sleep, but will i wake up
I keep wiping my face
They are just sparkles
I keep counting each sparkle
Each one has its meaning
I keep releasing them on my face
And my face always shines
I cannot control whats coming through my broken heart & eyes

Hidden behind me as it whispers in my ears;
"I can help you"
And I was so naive, falling for every move i was forced to do
When i was promised music, it didnt mean that it had to be depressing
When i was promised the light, it didnt mean for the sun to blind me
When i was promised love, it didnt mean that i stay in love with my sorrow
When i was promised justice, it didnt mean that i had to throw things in rage
When i was promised to feel calm, it didnt mean that i had to be loved by alcohol
When i was promised a friend, it didnt mean i had to shake hands with the devil
When i was promised loneliness, it didnt mean that i lock my own door
When i was promised dreams, it didnt mean that nightmares were supposed to appear
When i was promised honesty, it didnt mean that my tears had to drown me
When i was promised strength, it didnt mean for the knife to rub its face on my arm
When i was promised to change, it didnt mean that my innocence disappears;
and so when i was promised happiness, it didnt mean i was happy doing wrong

Why cant i see
Im wondering why my eyes keep closing
I feel the need to use my hands to open the lids from being shut
Why cant i speak
Im wondering why my voice is gone
I feel the need to whisper and try to get out a sound
Why cant i hear
Im wondering why my ears wont inhale sound
I feel the need to press my ears against the world to see if im listening
Why cant i move
Im wondering why my body wont get up
I feel the need to reach out for strength and see if i can lift myself up
Why cant i breathe
Im wondering why my lungs arent opening, and my heart doesnt pump
I feel the need to try to breathe air inside my own body;
But im unable to see
Im unable to speak
Im unable to hear
Im unable to move
So im unable to breathe; and if im dying inside there is no way im able to bring myself back to life
Im under a drug that wont fade away
Im in the middle of a crisis thats pushing to stay
Im trying to fight for the pain to go away
But the nightmare wont make me wake

Knowing eachother's likes
Our gifts is a way to surprise
Together watching movies
We use that time to just embrace
When we shut off the lights,
And light a candle
We breathe air into one another's body like we breathe in the smell from the light
The light that shines, goes through us as we stare into eachother's eyes
Our hands always held without letting go
We would be lost without eachother if our love ever broke
A kiss is so soft, so tender, so meaningful with excitement
The hug is a shield; blocking the wind, keeping in warmth, and used as a protection
A bed that holds us
And our strength that bonds us;
Its passionate and sweet,
When our clothes come off easily
Kisses are passionate
Hugs are so strong
Our love is so true and it is where it belongs
Its not about giving gifts
Its about giving ourselves to eachother
Its not about spending money
Its about spending time with your lover
Its not only a hug, its a reach for a wanted touch
Its not only making out, its a passionate kiss for our hearts to beat as one
Its not about make up, shaving or dressing up,
Its not only ***, its about making love
This day has meaning
It means alot
But this day never dies
Everyday is about love


*dedicated to my amazing husband Danny
Valentines never existed in my world before i met u
love u so much

Who was i to think that beauty would always win
The redness within my cheeks were quick to fool with an innocent grin
Who was i to think i was smart
I grew but i wasnt tall; my attitude
was above everyones level and i made everyone fall
Who was i to think i would be so strong
I grew my body with thorns to think i was able to fight my enemy and make them gone
A natural beautiful scent,
Not knowing when the stem will be bent
A garden so colourful, but i couldnt fit in
I couldnt grow the way i wanted
I couldnt help myself the way i needed
I hated myself for leaving with the wind
I hated myself for leaning towards the darkness
I lost the sun, the rain, and the grass
I wanted to be good, but my mind watered me down the wrong path
I drowned and never came back
When the colour fades,
I want to hide my face
When the thorns fight me back,
I take all the attacks
When the petals fall,
My body weakens itself and stalls
When the stem finally breaks,
I knew i couldnt stop my mistakes

It looks so calm, but i was told not to be fooled
I didnt believe, instead i ignored all the signs
I dipped my feet in the cold wet liquid; eventually it became warm with the sand between my toes
I walked into a pathway of seashells
An invisible basket i had carried in my hands where the shells rested in my arms
The weeds tickled me so i became comfortable going deeper into the water
I felt like i was turning into a mermaid because breathing became easier
As my body went deeper
I felt like a little girl with no worries
Until the sun went down; and i became weak
I couldnt control my breathing,
Then i felt like i was drowning
I was being pulled down from the seaweeds and then the waves had their support
The seashells cut me and i bled with no bandages
Suddenly i couldnt swim
Suddenly i couldnt breathe
I felt tickeled, but not from gentle hands
I was circled from a creature with a sharp object attached to its body
I suddenly fainted as i was stung from the stingray that crept up on me
I felt hypnotized and i couldnt speak
I was brought deeper in the water then i felt squeezed
I was pulled,
I was shoved,
I was held tight from an octopus who was rough
I also felt pinched; i was stuck to its arms and then suddenly i was dragged under water
The suction cups from its body pulled my skin
I wanted to fight but my body just gave in
I was under so much weakness,
Then suddenly i felt more pain
The razor sharped teeth from an eel scraped its mouth all over my frame
As it scraped me, a big creature watches me
Its eyes were dark and its body covered the ocean
I felt caged with no key
I wanted to be free
But then i became close to more teeth
Suddenly my eyes close
My bones were broken
My blood, overflowed
My body ruined
My lungs were crushed
My skin was ripped
And my heart had stopped
It was big
While i was small
I was too weak
It was too strong
I stung myself with negativity
I squeezed my heart to my mind
I pinched myself towards a dark path
I suctioned all the life out of my spine
I calmed myself with the weapon that i used to fight
I fought myself with a razor and then a knife
Finally i swallowed it whole
I swallowed what had to stay
And i swallowed what shouldnt have had to go
I broke my whole body
I broke my own bones
I manipulated my mind
I was the one who swallowed myself whole
My blood poured out
Hoping i was found so someone can lift me out
I felt like a broken mermaid unable to kick
Unable to move
Unable to swim
I felt like i was just born not knowing what to do;
Not knowing whats around
And that being alone was the worst thing to do.

Isnt life supposed to be happy
Arent memories supposed to fade
Arent nightmares supposed to disappear
Isnt the devil supposed to run away
Arent bruises supposed to leave
Arent bones supposed to seal
Isnt blood supposed to dry
Arent cuts supposed to heal
I faint inside my body when it shows that my appearance is strong
Outside my body i show the strength that i wish i have when im alone
Uncontrollable feelings on top of these scars that never faded
I have to accept the bruises that come and go when my mind is weakened
I tried to end it all with a memory i tried to change
But then the nightmare came back and the devil reached out again
I was bruised and it comes back
My bones broke and the pain still attacks
The blood that pours out my strength makes me dizzy and then i drop
The cuts remain open forever because i didnt know how to make it stop
Isnt time supposed to heal
Because the wounds are still not gone
My body weakened itself from fear
I cannot get over whats done

I felt a feeling like never before
My heart; pounding
I couldnt handle anymore
My fears escalated to the point where i glued my eyes shut
But then i saw my nightmares that never went away
I tried to unglue my eyes
But then they were permanently shut tight.
Now i see whats inside my mind
I wanna erase everything thats trying to hide.
I will never forget what harmed me
I want to go back to the past and change everything
I blocked myself from winning
My mind made me lose repeatedly Turned into glass; my heart jumped out of my chest and then broke as it hit the floor
The blood rushed out of my body as i tried to save myself
I felt so broken as i lay on the floor
I bruised myself my remembering the times i wanted to leave this darkness
And I have been in the darkness my whole life; i regret not wanting to fight
I fought the wrong people
I fought the wrong person that tried to hide
My fears keep growing; while i am shrinking
Eventually i will crumble inside my own body
Eventually i will pass out for not breathing
Im breathing harsh
Im breathing slow
Im hyperventilating and it just wont leave me alone
Im fighting to breathe
My tears just wont dry
Its painful to breathe
And it hurts to cry
The time keeps ticking but there is no change
The time only makes me think that tomorrow it starts all over again
My fears dont wanna leave
My nightmares dont turn into regular dreams
Im still unable to control this feeling
Im waiting on the last tear that ends all my negativity
And i wish the last tear will stop all pain forever