I took a break from that sugarless candy,
The one that makes my mind sane
I was calm but triggered at the same time so it was time for me to quit
It happened, that I broke down again
A mental breakdown that was at its worst
My uncontrollable emotions made me scream like I learned a new tone
My body wouldn’t stop moving from the demands my brain was signalling between my bones
My heart felt all the abuse
And my whole body was breaking
I felt like something took over me, I was a different person
Out of control and crazy; my actions came before thinking
I felt like all these years my mind came back with revenge from being tamed
It was like I had all the symptoms starting from the beginning as if I was clueless;
Back to square one, where I didn’t recognize who I was anymore

The anxiety was too intense
My chest was too tight; with cramping
Then I forgot how to breathe
I was out of control with every small trigger
The darkness mind had woken, though I thought it was dead
Only sleeping, waiting for an opportunity that always was waiting for me to give up once again
My screams made me deaf
My actions made me scared
I had days that I was unmedicated
And those days were the best I’ve ever had;
loving the symptoms of a broken, crazy person

After some time, my mind cooperated after I broke
I took the pill again, but at a higher dose
It created another problem, that I had absolutely no control
The anxiety was at its worse once I began taking the pill
Felt like it was doing more harm; I wanted to feel normal without those milligrams
I felt my heart beat at its fastest
And then my chest started cramping all over again
I felt so sick to my stomach;
Enough that food was forbidden; to stop eating
A few days, my body was empty
Anxiety was in control; demanding my body go unnourished
I saw nothing but evil
That’s when I wanted to break each mirror I looked in
Cause deep down I couldn’t save myself all over again
Deep down I didn’t want to save myself and make the darkness end
I hated the dizziness, while I loved it
The feeling of being drunk, but I never had a sip
I endured a great weakness inside
Physically I felt something that I was forced to hide
I looked at my face, my skin, and body
I looked at my tears; the salted water that had me drowning

I was going back to how I was;
The silent stranger that he once helped me escape from
This is round two of a dangerous breakdown
He came to my rescue again from all my demons
It was the exhaustion of anger outbursts,
The exhaustion of nervous breakdowns,
It became physically obvious from a problem that was emotionally painful

I had my days of emptiness;
Those moments of anger & anxiety
I had my hours of darkness;
Those moments of loneliness & fear
I had my minutes of sadness;
Those moments of drowning in my tears
I had my seconds of moodswings;
Those moments when I lost all control

I was at my highest of losing control, my body became so exhausted
Like a toddler having a tantrum, I didn’t care who I disturbed, who I hurt, how I sounded, and how I looked
My heart made an entrance; but weak
It finally warmed me up, but I still wasn’t free
With the lack of food, It was hard to laugh; so my muscles were weak
My chest was tight, and it was hard to breathe
As I tried to speak, it was an unrecognizable hoarseness from the screams that took over my vocal chords
I knew my body was weak
I knew my mind failed me all over again
The exhaustion of anger outbursts,
The exhaustion of nervous breakdowns,
It became physically obvious from a problem that was emotionally painful
I did it one last time just to feel the pain from the inside out
I suddenly had a calm breath that stopped me
Then I finally realized, this shouldn’t be me

He whispered in my ear to get my glass ready;
And get my hourglass figure prepared
He bought me a liquid that he can watch inside of me; feel inside of me
I needed a seduction to wipe away all my fears
I needed his hands to take away all the nightmares
I needed his kisses to **** out all the depression
I needed his body to save me from hyperventilation

I began swallowing the cold liquid he poured for me
Eventually I was heavily drinking
I wanted to feel a bunch of feelings in one
And he wanted to watch me get weak & crazy
I was typsy before being drunk off love
Love that was poured into a glass before wanting to finish the bottle

So once the sun went down, so did our clothes
He waited for that drowsiness to show,
And the weakness to take over me
That was his cue to take advantage
He knew my mind was unstable, so he layed me on the bed
He knew my world was poison, so he ****** the life out of my neck
The drink did nothing until he touched each part
The liquid quickly ran through my body
Then it activated my heart
I felt weak, and out of breath before he made himself hide
First his tongue tasted my alcohol from inside
My legs were shaking while he was below
The wait was over after I finished with him in my throat
That glass of alcohol extended to a bottle that it was almost hard to bare
And he made it more intense as it drowned my body, under his ****** care

Sometimes I just want to escape,
but every door is locked
Sometimes I just want to hide,
but the eyes come from the walls
Sometimes I get sick of crying,
but I’m already drowning in my tears
Sometimes I want to dream,
but the nightmares become my fears
Sometimes I just want to give up,
but I am always trying to be saved
Sometimes I just want to start over,
but now it’s too late to ESCAPE

You saw the impatience of my body,
waiting for you to make your move
I saw your hands ready to rip me out of my clothes; and cover me with your skin

You finally appeared on my neck, suffocating me while my skin was in between your teeth
I saw my breath leave my body, then felt my scream squeeze through my lungs
It was only the beginning, and you already left me marked up
I saw your tongue act like a magnet; stuck to my skin
Dragging yourself lower,
You found your way below my waist
Your hands became handcuffs; ready to see me squirm

My lower lips were burning from all that pleasure your mouth gave
and your tongue vibrated more heat inside my body
Your fingers thrusting hard, you wanted to see how hot i was inside
I couldn’t wait anymore
I wanted your other thermometer to come in and hide
I felt the burning on my skin and in my body
You left me to grab a remedy to beat the heat
Then suddenly I felt a cold sensation
You shocked my body with a piece of ice
You wanted me to go insane;
I wanted more of your pleasure you bring
I couldn’t handle the thrill
My legs kept shaking; you couldn’t keep me still
You melted the ice all over me
I was drenched with your saliva & ice
I continued to scream
The blood flow turned my face a different colour
while you felt that fire inside of me
I finally strapped you down to my body with my legs wrapped around you
making sure you fix every leak inside me
Until I pour

My heart kept racing
My fast breathing dried my throat, tongue and mouth as I felt a sensation take over my body
I began to shake, holding onto your skin with my nails
I gripped your body, pulling you closer to make sure you don’t stop
I love having my lower lips choke you, as you give me that big release

I tried to breathe when his teeth released its pressure on my neck
His lips left a mark that gave me a teasing ******
before his head moved below my waist
His tongue finally took control while his hands controlled my body
I locked him in between
Then my legs started to become weak
I lost control once I felt that wet vibration inside of me
His fingers; digging
inside my tunnel, made my lungs work hard for oxygen
I saw my legs shake, but felt a feeling inside my body
I felt my legs shake, then I saw the feeling get stronger
Grasped everything I could reach, but I couldn’t hold on
I felt weakness while I trembled against his mouth

His face finally switched places with his hips
I was filled with a thicker weapon
The one that pushed up in my ribs
My neck was being abused;
getting marked up while I was hyperventilating
Losing air from everything, I couldn’t control how my body was reacting
He played the boss all night with all of his moves
And just as I thought all the positions were accomplished,
You showed me how I couldn’t handle the beating from your pelvis
You made a ponytail in my hair; the hair-tie was your hand
I was pulled back from a different position then I couldn’t move
My head was throbbing, but so was my
body
It was beautiful pain so I wanted more
Your love for my flexibility forced my legs onto your shoulders
Every minute was a different feeling
Every hour was a different position
There was nothing left for me to grab onto except your body
So i dug my nails in your skin,
scratching marks on your back on every spot you hit;
while your love bites left marks on my body

It was so noisy; felt like the bed was going to break
Uncontrollable sounds that I made
You were in charge of how I moved;
those ******* moments had my whole body in a quake
We were drenched; our bodies and the sheets
That big O you gave me, left me losing my voice from my screams

A kiss can turn into something dangerous if its in the dark
A tongue is like an instructor, showing me how I need to start
You tear off my clothes, then grasp my hips
I rip off your shirt, then I made your jeans up-zip
Your lips met my body, marking up my skin
Your tongue showered me, then found its way in
Losing grip in my hands, but my legs choked you
I felt weak when I couldn’t stop you
The intensity made me squirm; I couldn’t breathe
Finally I felt your whole body on top of me
I was strapped to the bed, waiting for that
moment where I cant hold on
That moment you constantly use your lips, body, & tongue
You showed me something new in the mirror
You made me focus when you whispered your plan in my ear
When you start, I tell you not to stop
I knew how to yell, but you make me scream when you hit the spot
You made me feel that pleasure, and rolled my eyes back
Felt myself drowsy, dizzy, and relaxed

I raised that hand one more time
Not to say goodbye;
But to say hi
Hi to the skin that healed many years ago
Goodbye to the unmarked wrist that finally went unharmed
That shiny, silver thing wasn’t a pretty jewel, nor a diamond
It wasn’t a piece of jewelry, or accessory, and not a pretty belt
All of a sudden my mind breaks the rules;
targeting one more time
Making me weak,
and ******* up one last time
It was a pressure that I once felt
I revisited the past while in the present
I unlocked a door with the missing key
A key I threw away, to get rid of my anxiety
It wasn’t a shiny; beautiful key
wasn’t the colour gold; it was was black & *****
The darkness were thoughts racing through my mind
The dirtiness was blood making me pour from the inside
I wanted a release that I used to give dangerously
I craved a new pill that I have never seen
I thought I killed the past;
or at least laid it to rest
I thought I would never pick up this weapon again
Sometimes we are convinced we are ok
and that we are finally strong
Then our mind becomes our enemy once again and proves us wrong

There were many times I loved my fears more than feeling safe
There were many times I never showed love, only hate
There were many times I worshipped my nightmares over my dreams
There were many times I chose insomnia instead to sleep
There were many times I put aside my happiness only to be angry
There were many times I put myself in danger to please my anxiety
There were many times I needed that alcohol; bring drunk over sober
There were many times I left home to reveal all kinds of exposure
There were many times I chose the knife over my friends
There were many times I wanted to call it quits, before starting the meds

The most two-faced is the one living inside me;
the air I once breathed became polluted and made my soul black
When I became weak, I pushed myself to the floor
All those scars & cuts became bad memories that live on
I had fun drawing, but it wasn’t on paper
There was no eraser; I couldn’t erase the damage on my body
and that red liquid that dripped wasn’t paint
I tried to swim against my demons but they were a better swimmer
The ground I walked on was bumpy when I tried to walk away from the past
I needed to run away and hide from my fears but I was found
I felt warmth but then it turned cold
Then I heard every sound until my ears started to hurt
I kept my eyes opened but the tears ran down my cheeks and blocked my vision
A breath of fresh air became dusty and I began to choke
The reality was that I couldn’t be alive around myself
My wounds are healed but I keep bleeding
I can swim, but I’m drowning
I can walk, but I’m tripping
I can run, but I’m falling
I can feel, but I’m numb
I can hear, but I’m deaf
I can see, but I’m blind
I can breathe, but I’m hyperventilating
I can live, but I’m dying

I gave myself extra attention
but it was the kind that wasn’t safe
I accepted the anger that turned my face red
It stole the happiness I lost
I hugged the mirror only when I cried
I kissed my pillow that I slept on for years missing the innocence
that I tried to hide
I inhaled that anxiety so deep cause it made me dizzy
I liked falling on the floor to wake my demons up to torment me
I loved the darkness cause it scared me
it was my alarm clock from insomnia to keep me awake
I gave words but I was a bad influence
and convinced myself to drink
So I welcomed that poison liquid, to wash away all of my fears
I accepted being drunk all the time,
because it brought out the stranger that I got along with
I gave all my love, but to a knife
and worshipped the blood that flowed out of my skin
cause it made me so dizzy
I gave all my trust to my mind
and it only hurt cause I loved myself for all the wrong reasons

It all started when that salty water from the eyes, creates its first tears;
making a skin damp that can quickly be wiped off
That damp skin turned wet when the tears became heavy
Its hard to quickly wipe now; there is more salt water burning my face
I felt a puddle, underneath my body
I thought a sadness passed, but I was stepping in my tears now
I stepped out of my puddle,
then fell into a river
I gasped for air from the thin layer of water that covered me
I felt like I was half drowned;
and that my strength broke from me
I figured out my anxiety, my anger & fears
I figured out my sadness, my moods & nightmares
Im actually sinking
because now I created an ocean,
and Im actually drowning
I never knew a drop of rain could turn into a drop of my body;
drowning purposely by me

He secured me where he wanted me as the bed indented from my body
The soft kisses became hard *******; marking up my neck while I tried to breathe
I felt his hands all over me, slithering below my waist
Then his fingers assisted his tongue with a taste
His knuckles made a sound while hitting my bone
My whispers changed, and turned into moans
He broke my silence, but I couldn’t speak
No words came out; only a scream
Looking forward to the rest of the night,
I couldn’t wait for something bigger to go inside

I heard the sound of his belt buckle hitting the floor
Then when he separated my
knees, I kept wanted more
Our naked bodies were taking a beating from the loud clapping we were making
His hands became part of the bed, being underneath my ****;
squeezing me while my vocal cords were stressing themselves out
I kept breathing hard and he went faster
I kept screaming louder and he went harder
I kept scratching his back and he went deeper

He wanted full control
So then he flipped me over as my hips were gripped tight;
Getting ready as he went behind
My voice was fainting, as he ignored
I couldn’t handle that beautiful pain, but I still wanted the amazing pleasure
His body was always like a machine
He loved when I couldn’t handle the moves that made me scream
His hands connected with what was below my lower back
That redness appeared a little after his spanks
Suddenly I felt a yank on my head
My hair was in a ponytail held tight by his hand
His other hand wrapped around my neck
I could barely move as his torso rested on my back
There was a rush of unexplainable sounds
Each new position wanted their rounds
Our breath dried out our mouths; making us choke
Then my screams strained my vocal chords & throat
Our skin became louder, making ourselves red
The ending had approached as we soaked up the bed

His lips trap me from speaking, but he allows me to scream
As our tongues make conversation, my hair is automatically locked inside his fist
Then he showers me with his tongue until I beg him to enter
I feel my heart beating hard inside my throat as I try to catch every
breath of the pleasure that I take
Im being moved into different positions every minute
Im being detained after every pleasure
My ears are popped from the ******* of his mouth to my neck
My body is cracking from the way he positions my back
Handcuffs were a bit different this time; they were replaced with his hands
I couldn’t move, but he moved me
I couldn’t breathe, but he made me gasp for air
Those ****** noises turned a quiet house loud
I broke free of my silence, then made him deaf from my screams he brings on
Its so intense I need him to stop
The cramping in my ovaries
and the poking of my ribs
its pleasure & pain when he forcefully gives in
He still has a grip; not only on my hips, but my whole body
He holds me tight, making sure our skin stays attached
My walls inside are scratched and bleeding with pleasure  
My ****** is bruised and scarred with ******
I gave up on trying to catch my breath
I only wanted to suffocate sexually even more
Those bedsheets make it even harder to breathe under while he’s taking control

I keep fighting off these tornadoes that makes my heart pound hard
The tornadoes that comes from anxiety; makes my stomach turn
The hyperventilation blows me down
The dizziness that happens when I can hardly breathe
All i see is a spinning room when I want it stop
I use anything as leverage to help me get
up, and also walk
I sweat without moving
It just feels like I’m exhausted without working hard
and my mind is working ******* me..

Craving for relaxation,
the milligrams called me
Immediately my mind was silenced; in a deep sleep
I sedated myself so I can also sleep
Relieved this anxiety that had me in chains
and took away my mind that is now in pain
Its so tiny, but those benefits are huge
I needed a release from all this tension
The sudden drowsiness wrings out the normality within me
I love the feeling of being sluggish
The sudden calmness got my breathing finally under control
Those bitter thoughts turned sweet
This cold heart turned warm
These muscle spasms loosened up
This tranquilizer targeted all my fears, anxiety, & worries
Now the bed catches me as I embrace this new feeling
Unfortunately it’s temporary
so my mind is jailed,
until its set free

With your face on my neck, I felt those teeth digging inside like a vampire
Couldn’t breathe as you ******,
and still couldn’t  breathe when you took your mouth off
Those marks left me bruised throughout my body
I suddenly felt a tickle throughout my skin
Your fingers were wandering on a naked canvas that only you can paint on
You coloured my neck, that now bleeds down below my waist
That canvas had a tunnel;
you found your way inside to paint in a dark secret place
I felt every stroke, grasping my insides
while your tongue tried to catch the drips
You finally undressed; revealing a bigger paintbrush
Then I felt every inch before you even started put it to use
Your gentle touch brought me down; placing me how you wanted me to look on the bed
I was a model ready to get ruined
A beautiful disaster was waiting to happen

I felt like you broke me
Felt like you ruined me
That brush punctured me
Those pieces were released from me
Then my breathing finally slowed down on me
That blank canvas had your signature design,
with my clear, liquid paint
that splattered everywhere

The beginning of a soft kiss always turns into something more
The soft touch is deceiving;
It turns into a bite
That bite leaves you marked until his hands begin to
tickle down your body
A tickle turns into a grab
That grab hold you until he undresses you aggressively
His aggressiveness takes control with a push on the bed
His push allows you to crave
whats next,
but he makes you wait
His hands lock you tight;
That tightness made sure you didn’t move
He wanted all that energy, all that control
Then he got rough as he entered your cave
Trying to breathe, the pulling of your hair;
slightly cuts off the air and you struggle  to scream
That pulling turned to squeezing;
his hands around your neck
as he goes deeper; as he went harder
He finally hurts you internally
…That beautiful pain;
Lets do that soft kiss again

The room gets heated with a candle that will burn our stress away
The Himalayan lamp clears the toxic air for us to breathe harder
Suddenly I felt his lips tickling my neck until his teeth became aggressive
Then I felt his tongue take control only to cover my whole body
He wasn’t even naked yet, and I already felt him piercing me
I suddenly saw him putting me in handcuffs; making sure I only move
from the touch of his body
His kisses stopped at my stomach, then made his tongue finish the rest
His fingers were as powerful as the tool below his waist
I felt like I was walking on the ceiling when his shoulders met my ankles
He took advantage of my flexibility,
and lowered himself to my lips
The pain turned into pleasure as my head hung off the bed
Breaking my fall, he grabbed my throat till
my vocal chords bled
I felt a pull; it was his hands
Gripping me tight to hear more sounds
Suddenly I tried to catch my breath,
With his mouth wrapped around my neck
I felt two pleasures at once
So a straddle from my legs;
A push from my heels;
A squeeze from my knees;
Making sure he went deeper
We beat that temperature;
We made it hotter than the burning candle

My lipstick disappeared and rubbed on his lips
while his hands invited themselves underneath my clothes
I felt the pinches made from his mouth
He left his marks all over my neck
I bled inside, and it showed on my skin
He grabbed those bright furry bracelets, then placed them on me
Tighten them on my wrists, then climbed on top of my body
I felt a strong pull below my waist
There was only visible piece of cloth that stayed
The sparkly red string put me in danger
He used all his strength so that I screamed louder
My coloured nails dug into his back
The marks that matched my neck,
the cuffs,
the string,
and my nails got intense
once we both couldn’t take no more

I walked around barefoot all my life
Because each pair of shoes I walked in,
rewrites a new story, wandering the dark paths I made
Those rocks that were beneath my feet
rolled me off the road and I fell
I walked on water and drowned
I walked on fire, burning in hell
I put two big pieces of glass on my feet,
hoping everything will be more delicate
I walked slow so I wouldn’t
miss the door to leave this maze
I walked quiet so my demons wouldn’t
hear me escape
I tiptoed quick to pass my nightmares
Then I tried to run away from my fears
Trying to leave the maze wore out the caps
Trying to escape my demons, chipped the front
Hiding from my nightmares, broke the heels
Escaping my fears, shattered every piece my feet touched
My stability weakened
I thought I finally walked with strength,
but it was hard
I thought glass protected from harm
But I got hurt
I thought glass stopped me from getting wet
Instead I drowned in my tears
It shattered, so I shattered
Every piece of glass cut me
My time was running out like Cinderella;
only she had another shot at changing her life
I was desperate;
trying to glue those pieces back together with my blood,
hoping brand new shoes could remake my strength;
Erase all those wounds
And revoke all those scars
Instead I fell, unaware I was also made of glass
I fell apart; laying there chipping away before trying to be friendly with those demons
Broken before turning nightmares into dreams
and shattered before finding strength to fight my fears

I was burnt with no scars
Inside I felt a craving that made my heart race
I needed oxygen from your mouth
But wanted your lips all over me
Your hands shielded my body after your tongue covered me
My heart was weak; I was breathless,
and then I couldn’t see
I saw while my eyes were shut;
Feeling your body from under the
sheet
I felt each touch, each kiss, each lick
You were my ride, while I was your siren
I screamed at every flame you inflicted on me
I got frustrated when your tongue started to leave
I waited impatiently for a naked body to show
You were the last to undress, but the first to make me moan
You controlled my volume, my liquid, and my temperature
It became hotter when it was harder
It was burning when it became faster
He felt that warmth inside me and wanted to cure what I was craving
His body was like a piece of ice; just quenching me
My heart became stable
My breathing slowed down
My body was cooler after you turned the heat down
I had a burn inside me;
Then the ice suddenly made me cold
Finally drenched;
I was put out with your wild hose

I watched a show inside my room
A show that created magic
I was the star in a magic show inside the mirror
A show that continues to replay every night
I acted in a magic show inside our room
A show that made the bed a stage
Made my clothes disappear,
and placed me in chains
Controlled my heart without reaching in my chest; and made it race
You took my voice box and tweaked it
You controlled the volume by using your skills
I thought the impossible couldn’t be done
You showered me by using your tongue
There was a fire that only I felt
My skin burned without flames; making me breathless, making my heart melt
I couldn’t see in the dark,
but you made it clear for me to watch
without opening a light
You took those images in my head
and created them for us to experience
You were a mind reader; I didn’t even need to speak
Your techniques were illusions;
You explained the whole night before you took control
I felt all those tricks
I watched all those acts
It all became real
Your hugs tricked me into being in handcuffs
Your lips muted my voice
Your tongue numbed my breath
You made a fire without a lighter and a log
It was hot without a heater and the sun
Your the magician, while I’m your contestant
You did a disappearing act;
The one that made your wand disappear inside my body

He allowed his hands to wander all over my body;
Unzipping every zipper, and unbuttoning every button
The cloth that was on my skin came off
as his lips replaced what covered me
His tongue drew new clothes all over me
The excitement was real; I lost my breath
I was covered with saliva sweat
I heard my heart beating faster;
when his head got lower
Then he suddenly stopped
My heart also stopped;
He purposely made me wait
First he wanted to secure my arms,
and then my legs
I felt my wrists get shackled
I felt my ankles get shackled
He came closer
His lips pierced me harder
Then he made the handcuffs tighter
I felt that moment I was waiting for
His body, his energy
His strength; him ******* me
I couldn’t move;
thats how he wanted me
Made sure I wouldn’t move
Made sure he can hear me scream

You watched every letter that was pieced together into words
You read every word that was placed into sentences
You remembered every sentence that was placed into a poem
But you never watched what you read about remembering to credit the poem of another; crediting & impersonating someone you wish to be
Instead you credit the arts of a corrupted writer,
& a false poet

The hot water creates a warm welcoming outside in the night
As I slip into that inappropriate swimsuit,
I already feel the seduction in your eyes
I wanted your lips to quench my thirst;
so we made out under the stars
I felt your hands wander; I began to get weak
Then I felt my breathing get heavy
Nothing for me to hold on to except your body
The waves that moved was created from our bodies
It was a shower without the shower head
Drops dripping from that hot water,
that salty sweat,
and the creamy fluids
Nothing for you to hold except my hair;
Pulling my neck back so that I see the sky  looking like a dark floor
All that steam made it more intense
It got harder to breathe, but easier to love
My breathing switched over to noises;
making it hard to hold in my screams
Immediately your hand puts pressure on my mouth
so the neighbours don’t go deaf
Our love was hotter than the water temperature

Anxiety gets disguised by that hard breathing you pressure my body to do;
That ****** feeling you created in my mind;
That locked door that I opened up inside
You broke my old chains and replaced them with your own
Now the thing thats locked, wont let my body go
I lay there with marks
created with your mouth, your teeth; like permanent scars
Inside my blood boils
Inside my veins explode
Inside my bones grow brittle
Then thats when i learned to choke
I felt your hands underneath me,
Making sure you grabbed what was yours
I felt you go deeper,
Making my body pour
Now I felt that anxiety,
The one you made disappear
Its back; only stronger
But I wanted it near
My breathing didn’t worry you;
You watched me hyperventilate while you were on top,
That anxiety became louder,
It was a worry begging you not to stop

I felt restless, anxious, stressed, & weak
My body felt stiff & held up a guard to protect me
I always looked out for myself; from one particular enemy
I tried chasing it away, but then it returned
I had frequent visits; inside the mirror, during the day, & in my sleep
Insomnia always striked me
I wanted peace, but I always feared the darkness
The darkness inside
The darkness in my nightmares
The darkness all around
I was looking for a solution to make myself leave; to make my mind get squeezed; to make my body at ease
So then I tried to replace these hallucinations with alcohol, then I drowned
Tried to replace this depression with a razor, then I bled out
Tried to replace this anxiety by constantly staying up all night, then my body gave out
I tried to replace this mind by looking for a cure from myself,
Then when I saw that it was too late; I was already broken,
Nothing was able to save me; my last resort was the milligrams from a fake candy
It was supposed to tranquilize this mind,
Freeze this brain,
& calm these nerves
But not even a pill was strong enough to fight against my invisible twin

I created a dance floor that only you can step into
I created a party that is only for two people
Close that booth & enter a stage full of experiences
A stage that soon becomes our movie to be played into a reflection
I hired you as my personal dj
Cover this floor with our clothes;
there are no rules
Strip me on top of your turn table
so that my vocal chords begin to fill the room
Turn the lights off to only connect that disco ball
that shines around my wrists
Now use my body as a microphone;
place those lips all over me
The beat is hard; let’s keep playing music
Allow that smoke to flow on the windows; on the mirrors;
its our breath
Place your hands below my waist & dj me till I start to shake
This club is on all night;
I’m staying open late
Turn my body on
Turn our volume loud
Your glow stick handles the rest
So dance inside me
Your ears are the speakers; make me scream loud

My lock was finally unlocked
My door was finally open
My walls were finally knocked down
My floor was finally broken apart
My room was finally torn
That lock to my door opened a room full of walls
that you stepped into while exploring what you can do
You unlocked my clothes
You opened my legs
You ruptured my ******
You damaged my pelvic floor
My body was a room
that was kept tidy for a strong one
Those weak ones couldn’t even mess up my hair
Then finally those ****** dreams turned into reality
when you placed those kisses on both of my lips
I wanted my body weak; not being able to handle you
That floor that held my pelvis,
couldn’t hold the ****** any longer

I felt you on my skin
and you wouldn’t leave till you got what you wanted
You landed on top of me so quietly
I only felt a tickle that made me want something more
You started to make my blood boil,
Then changed my heart rate
My neck was poked from your teeth
till you wrapped your mouth around my skin
You covered every inch of my body; poking different levels of excitement
Anxiety starts in my blood; pacing through my veins
You had me itching for something more
I lay there *******, marked up, & irritated
You left the room, keeping me waiting
The tension is intense because I’ve been anticipating  
Your teeth marked everywhere below my chin
Your mouth made a redness & heated my skin
You finally appeared with a cure to my bites
You forced a pressure on a my body
You forced a puncture to remain inside me
I anticipated the whole day
Now you poked me in a different way

I had a sweet tooth for awhile;
A crave that wouldn’t leave
I was impatiently waiting to undress a wrapper
that was made from material,
a straw made from skin,
and a bottle made from a body
My sweet tooth turned into thirst
Thirst for that sugary drink that waits for its release
The darkness locked the door
Appearing naked; to throw my knees to the floor
His hands were my hair-tie;
And made sure his eyes weren’t blind
He viewed me close like a movie
Parted were my lips;
I started giving him that upside down kiss
The floor of my mouth was walked on
My tongue detached from me
My lips became numb
My tonsils got inflamed
My throat became scratched
I swallowed, but it wasn’t food

Do you ever just try and give up on taking that hard,
tasteless candy that controls your mind
You want to stop just to see if you can control yourself
with nothing stabilizing your insides
But then those withdrawals of being calm;
To feel life again, & not to be numb
But then you know its fake;
The good behaviour, & no more mistakes
The anxiety; gone, the moodswings went calm
The self conscious had been forgotten about,
& no more of the addiction to self-harm
Those worries within, & those darkest fears
No more love for being alone, & no more nightmares
I saw what that tasteless candy can do
It made me change, & unlocked my room
The mind has been ruined, tortured & abused
The heart has been broken, thrown around, & used
Even though the high milligrams corrected my mind
I wasn’t the one who actually changed myself inside

Do you ever just try and give up on taking that hard,
tasteless candy that controls your mind
You want to stop just to see if you can control yourself
with nothing stabilizing your insides
But then those withdrawals of being calm;
To feel life again, & not to be numb
But then you know its fake;
The good behaviour, & no more mistakes
The anxiety; gone, the moodswings went calm
The self conscious had been forgotten about,
& no more of the addiction to self-harm
Those worries within, & those darkest fears
No more love for being alone, & no more nightmares
I saw what that tasteless candy can do
It made me change, & unlocked my room
The mind has been ruined, tortured & abused
The heart has been broken, thrown around, & used
Even though the high milligrams corrected my mind
I wasn’t the one who actually changed myself inside

My scent is a way of forcing you to bring yourself into my world
Theres a path you should follow from beginning to end
A path that leads the way to the bed
Come through the trees,
the ones I grew
I wanted privacy
I wanted coverage
But for you i want to be ****
Close the gates as you walk through
Begin your journey by picking my flowers that you helped bloom
Ignore the dirt
I threw away all the negativity
Just plant a new seed in my throat that appears deep
Strip all my leaves and throw them to the ground
Sting these lips like a bee
Make me bleed
Make my heart see
Tickle my skin like a spider until you find my cave
**** my neck like a leech to make my strength misbehave
My garden had a missing link
I saw you, and thought of a snake
Your fangs grew & sunk into my skin
Your muscles squeezed my neck & you wanted to come in
You finally found the forbidden fruit
on my final tree
Keep me still & slither your way through me
Now it pours but not from the sky
You made my body rain from deep inside

Pain eventually turns into numbness
Tears eventually make a pool
Anxiety suddenly freezes your lungs
That bleeding heart finally turns heavy, then breaks into a million pieces;
So then you become so weak
Weakness over strength,
The pain was too much to handle
And so it numbs every single memory,
Every single nightmare,
Every single fear
Every single worry
Every single emotion;
Then engraves the biggest memory in the mind;
A memory that wont be forgotten
That pain that went numb, suddenly hurts all over again
It was so numb, to feel it all over again

You marked my neck,
and then I couldnt slow down the air within my lungs
The ******* from your lips made me lose my breath,
and then i forgotten how to breathe
You cooled down my hot skin with the ice you held in your hand
Then I completely lost my breath
from that shock that you placed all over me
My top unbuttoned;
My pants unzipped;
My lingerie wrapped around your hands, as you brought yourself closer
I saw your clothed body;
but it was naked in my eyes
You deprived me from yourself because you loved making me wait
I hated the struggle
I hated the game
I couldn’t even escape to strip you the same way
You locked my wrists with yours
And until you finished your teasing ways,
You wanted to enjoy the show
I kept telling you what you wanted to hear;
To just **** me already

Finally that wait had ended; your fun & games ran out of time
Your hands did one last move to calm my mind
Those marks on my neck started to bleed
That ice on my body drenched me after it melted;
And then I became cold
But instead of a blanket, you were the one that draped me
On top of my body, I finally felt you indent me
Purposely testing my breathing;
Purposely triggering my screams;
So you can hear how amazing your performance had been

I lit the candles for them to turn off the lights;
& leave us calm in the darkness
I felt his cold hands waiting to get warm underneath my clothes
Just as the floor catches my outfit,
Im being clothed by his body;
as my hips became attached to his
His mouth covered mine
Then I felt his tongue wander
A shower made from his lips to my body,
he drenched me from top to bottom
As I waited patiently,
Wanting for him to shake my insides;
I suddenly couldn’t move anymore
But I didn’t want to move anymore
I had handcuffs that were made of skin
He locked himself to me;
then finally slipped himself in

Unclothed, he throws me down
I feel a force that I just wont say no to
Then I feel a stinging on my neck,
That made me put scratches down his back
Suddenly is reach was fast as those silver rings tighten around my wrists
He made sure that he was the one in control as his lips travelled on my skin
His head kept getting lower
My heart rate only got faster
He was making me wait by teasing
The ******* of his tongue tricked me
I wanted the ******* of whats under his clothes
But I just wasn’t allowed to move
I wanted to undo his clothes like he undid mine
Why the punishment for making me wait
He wanted the screams;
Silence was full of hate
It wasnt a game anymore
He finally covered the floor with his clothes
I heard a whisper;
“The game hasn’t even started”
Then finally I felt the bed move
I felt my body indented
I felt my skin covered
I felt my blood boiling
I felt my heart rate rise
And my screams got louder
My belly button had been touched from the inside;
And I felt him digging through a cave that is secret from the world
He was all up in my ribs

A mind is so twisted, that it made you reminisce those times
that made you go crazy behind a door
Those times it made you pick up a razor and have you beg for more
Those times it forced the tears that made you drown
And the times it poisoned you with alcohol that made you fall to the ground
Making you reminisce, you loved the darkness
You got used to the anxiety, the moodwings, & the craving for being restless
Forced you to reminisce those times you locked yourself in your room
And when your friends called, you lied and said you had **** to do
Mind so very twisted, you hid all the damage it made you do
It even made you reminisce itself
It turned you into something you cant undo

I made my hands strong when everyone was weak
I was my own seduction when I couldnt sleep
Slithering like a snake on my skin
When the lights were out,
I let myself in
I was the only one to handle myself
Everyone else, I sent to hell
I kissed the darkness
I stripped the mirror
I dripped & got soaked; looking like tears

I found who can handle me
Its more than my hand
I cut off the boys, and showed myself to a man
Now Im the one thats weak;
My strength was taken
He was my weakness the minute we were naked
Now he takes care of my dryness
Hes the one that gets me wet
He closed my eyes
And relaxed me to the  bed
I didnt need myself
Myself didnt need me
I didnt needt to give myself the attention anymore
Because he is now in charge of my screams
I fell in love with his ways
And the ******* I felt
I turned my life when I made real love with a man
And not myself

I heard a click that was ready to collapse
He grabbed my hands and bent my body back
What I heard, turned into what I felt
His grip was tight before I yelled
That click that I heard, guided my skin to his lips
Then he brought his head & mouth to my
hips
Then he locked me; he wouldnt let me even if I could
My arms stayed above my head, and shackled to the wood
He undid the buttons, the zippers &
strings
He continued to wet my body with his lips
His hands were free, while mine were cuffed
He made sure that click was turning into something rough

This is not a poem but my instagram is:
poetrybycaterina

Sometimes a cut hurts your body more than a bruise; it actually brings on that past we werent allowed to choose
Sometimes the past hurts your body more than physical pain; it actually brings on that migraine that wont go away
Sometimes a migraine hurts your body more than a pain in your gut; it actually brings on that blood from a cut
A cut is deeper than how it starts;
Its the past, the present, and turns into a scar

She craved what she didnt deserve;
Her eyes killed a strength that turned into weakness
It was when she was told that there was beauty greater than her;
She then revealed all her secrets to a mirror who voices the truth
That singing voice hurt her ears
That beautiful face burned her eyes
A jealous soul had a plan to ruin a strong heart of gold
A potion; waited to be made
A poison; waited to be poured
A ***; waited to be heated
An apple; waiting to be boiled
And then a disguise; all in black
Her crown came off, and her cape fell off her back
She turned old & wrinkly
Grey & her voice was squeaky
A basket full of apples were finally carried out to be noticed
Black hair
Fair skin
Red lips
The princess let her in
One conversation
One bite
On the floor
The queen finally shut her eyes

There was an ocean with hidden secrets; hidden spells,
Hidden danger;
Created with great strength from her tentacles
A human octopus with an evil face,
They called her the Sea Witch
Her ugliness craved the beauty of a mermaid with a naive heart
So the human with fins had fire hair which was red
Crystal eyes, which was blue
Soft skin, which was fair
But jewelled lips, which was ruby
A witch craved what she was never allowed to have
But a witch manipulates when she knows noone can fight back
Under the sea, inside a cave, Under the darkness is where she stayed
She got her attention;
Her voice left her body forcefully
Inside a shell it was kept protected
The treasure was a mouth from the voice of a royal fish
The one that was forbidden; but was stolen for evil’s benefit
She forced her to sing, for her to have legs
That voice went inside a shell; and on a necklace to be worn the next day
Then for a disguise, she was transformed herself into a beautiful girl
The voice she saved had been passed off as her own, making a princess mute;
A witch’s plan had been created

She had a throbbing sensation in her finger that looked bruised
A throbbing in which her blood boiled through her veins to attack her stability
She needed relief from a bubble of pain;
She needed to feel all normal again
Finally a light pulled her through a
door
A pathway was made to guide her through the walls of the castle floors
The approach was like a treasure, she hasnt seen
A sharp object she can use to stop the throbbing on her skin
A voice of evil whispered in her ear
Touch the spindle was a command she was forced to hear
Like a magnet, her finger couldnt release,
A ***** to her body, put a force in her knees
Fell to the floor
Fell unconscious
Fell into a deep sleep
Fell so sudden
A sleep-like death was the queen’s intention
A crave for a princess for her to be weakened

Pick me up like Im a box;
And carry me to a place meant for you to be alone
All this ribbon that binds me, are my chains that will free me
The paper that covers me is taped closed to hide an image
My body is a box
My string is the ribbon
My clothes is the paper
So throw me;
Im the present underneath your sheets thats green like a tree
****** me;
Now you’re ready to unwrap me

I learned how to cry by speaking to a mirror
I learned how to drown from depression, and all of my tears
I learned that my nightmares will always be my fears
I learned that anxiety will stay with me for years
I learned from myself; from my mind,  that the darkest room is deep down inside
My mind convinced me; and told me to let go
But my heart had the final decision to say no
The convincer’s job is to steal weakness,
But the decision maker’s job is to be the strongest

I can tell you to kiss me,
But your in control of how long
I can tell you to strip me,
But your in control of the amount of clothes to take off
I can tell you to grab me,
But your in control of where to start
I can tell you to throw me,
But your in control of how far
I can tell you to hold me down
But your in control of how tight
I can tell you to mark me,
But your in control of how many hickeys
I can tell you to pull my hair,
But your in control of how hard
I can tell you to **** me,
But your in control of how rough

Your last of being healthy, then I made myself sick
Your last creation, then I created a mess
Your last gift, then I stopped wrapping
Your last movie night, then I stopped watching
Your last communication, then I went distant from the world
Your last strength, then I went weak
Your last drive, then I crashed
Your last holiday, then I stopped celebrating
Your last laugh, then I couldnt smile
Your last hug, then I went numb
Your last meal, then I couldnt eat
Your last word, then I couldnt speak
Your last blink, then I couldnt see
Your last breath, then I couldnt breathe
Your last heartbeat, then my heart started to bleed

I tasted a sweet saliva on my lips; on my tongue
I felt a gentle, but rough touch against my figure
I felt a warm sensation on my skin; inside my body
My hair was trapped in between your hands; pulling as my blood rushes to my head
And then I felt drowsy, as my tension released itself
You got my eyes rolling at the back of my head when im underneath you
My hands went numb from the lack of blood flow; from being squeezed so tight
Uncovered from our clothes, but we were covered in sweat
You gripped every inch of my body, while I engraved my nails in yours
My body shaked
My body got weak
I couldnt stand, but I was standing against the wall
The cold wall warmed up my skin; warmed up my bones
Your body pushed me
Your lips pinned me
Your hands arrested me
And then my heart raced; as it slowed down from all the body change from being relaxed