I took a break from that sugarless candy,
The one that makes my mind sane
I was calm but triggered at the same time so it was time for me to quit
It happened, that I broke down again
A mental breakdown that was at its worst
My uncontrollable emotions made me scream like I learned a new tone
My body wouldn’t stop moving from the demands my brain was signalling between my bones
My heart felt all the abuse
And my whole body was breaking
I felt like something took over me, I was a different person
Out of control and crazy; my actions came before thinking
I felt like all these years my mind came back with revenge from being tamed
It was like I had all the symptoms starting from the beginning as if I was clueless;
Back to square one, where I didn’t recognize who I was anymore

The anxiety was too intense
My chest was too tight; with cramping
Then I forgot how to breathe
I was out of control with every small trigger
The darkness mind had woken, though I thought it was dead
Only sleeping, waiting for an opportunity that always was waiting for me to give up once again
My screams made me deaf
My actions made me scared
I had days that I was unmedicated
And those days were the best I’ve ever had;
loving the symptoms of a broken, crazy person

After some time, my mind cooperated after I broke
I took the pill again, but at a higher dose
It created another problem, that I had absolutely no control
The anxiety was at its worse once I began taking the pill
Felt like it was doing more harm; I wanted to feel normal without those milligrams
I felt my heart beat at its fastest
And then my chest started cramping all over again
I felt so sick to my stomach;
Enough that food was forbidden; to stop eating
A few days, my body was empty
Anxiety was in control; demanding my body go unnourished
I saw nothing but evil
That’s when I wanted to break each mirror I looked in
Cause deep down I couldn’t save myself all over again
Deep down I didn’t want to save myself and make the darkness end
I hated the dizziness, while I loved it
The feeling of being drunk, but I never had a sip
I endured a great weakness inside
Physically I felt something that I was forced to hide
I looked at my face, my skin, and body
I looked at my tears; the salted water that had me drowning

I was going back to how I was;
The silent stranger that he once helped me escape from
This is round two of a dangerous breakdown
He came to my rescue again from all my demons
It was the exhaustion of anger outbursts,
The exhaustion of nervous breakdowns,
It became physically obvious from a problem that was emotionally painful

I had my days of emptiness;
Those moments of anger & anxiety
I had my hours of darkness;
Those moments of loneliness & fear
I had my minutes of sadness;
Those moments of drowning in my tears
I had my seconds of moodswings;
Those moments when I lost all control

I was at my highest of losing control, my body became so exhausted
Like a toddler having a tantrum, I didn’t care who I disturbed, who I hurt, how I sounded, and how I looked
My heart made an entrance; but weak
It finally warmed me up, but I still wasn’t free
With the lack of food, It was hard to laugh; so my muscles were weak
My chest was tight, and it was hard to breathe
As I tried to speak, it was an unrecognizable hoarseness from the screams that took over my vocal chords
I knew my body was weak
I knew my mind failed me all over again
The exhaustion of anger outbursts,
The exhaustion of nervous breakdowns,
It became physically obvious from a problem that was emotionally painful
I did it one last time just to feel the pain from the inside out
I suddenly had a calm breath that stopped me
Then I finally realized, this shouldn’t be me

He whispered in my ear to get my glass ready;
And get my hourglass figure prepared
He bought me a liquid that he can watch inside of me; feel inside of me
I needed a seduction to wipe away all my fears
I needed his hands to take away all the nightmares
I needed his kisses to **** out all the depression
I needed his body to save me from hyperventilation

I began swallowing the cold liquid he poured for me
Eventually I was heavily drinking
I wanted to feel a bunch of feelings in one
And he wanted to watch me get weak & crazy
I was typsy before being drunk off love
Love that was poured into a glass before wanting to finish the bottle

So once the sun went down, so did our clothes
He waited for that drowsiness to show,
And the weakness to take over me
That was his cue to take advantage
He knew my mind was unstable, so he layed me on the bed
He knew my world was poison, so he ****** the life out of my neck
The drink did nothing until he touched each part
The liquid quickly ran through my body
Then it activated my heart
I felt weak, and out of breath before he made himself hide
First his tongue tasted my alcohol from inside
My legs were shaking while he was below
The wait was over after I finished with him in my throat
That glass of alcohol extended to a bottle that it was almost hard to bare
And he made it more intense as it drowned my body, under his ****** care

Sometimes I just want to escape,
but every door is locked
Sometimes I just want to hide,
but the eyes come from the walls
Sometimes I get sick of crying,
but I’m already drowning in my tears
Sometimes I want to dream,
but the nightmares become my fears
Sometimes I just want to give up,
but I am always trying to be saved
Sometimes I just want to start over,
but now it’s too late to ESCAPE

You saw the impatience of my body,
waiting for you to make your move
I saw your hands ready to rip me out of my clothes; and cover me with your skin

You finally appeared on my neck, suffocating me while my skin was in between your teeth
I saw my breath leave my body, then felt my scream squeeze through my lungs
It was only the beginning, and you already left me marked up
I saw your tongue act like a magnet; stuck to my skin
Dragging yourself lower,
You found your way below my waist
Your hands became handcuffs; ready to see me squirm

My lower lips were burning from all that pleasure your mouth gave
and your tongue vibrated more heat inside my body
Your fingers thrusting hard, you wanted to see how hot i was inside
I couldn’t wait anymore
I wanted your other thermometer to come in and hide
I felt the burning on my skin and in my body
You left me to grab a remedy to beat the heat
Then suddenly I felt a cold sensation
You shocked my body with a piece of ice
You wanted me to go insane;
I wanted more of your pleasure you bring
I couldn’t handle the thrill
My legs kept shaking; you couldn’t keep me still
You melted the ice all over me
I was drenched with your saliva & ice
I continued to scream
The blood flow turned my face a different colour
while you felt that fire inside of me
I finally strapped you down to my body with my legs wrapped around you
making sure you fix every leak inside me
Until I pour

My heart kept racing
My fast breathing dried my throat, tongue and mouth as I felt a sensation take over my body
I began to shake, holding onto your skin with my nails
I gripped your body, pulling you closer to make sure you don’t stop
I love having my lower lips choke you, as you give me that big release

I tried to breathe when his teeth released its pressure on my neck
His lips left a mark that gave me a teasing ******
before his head moved below my waist
His tongue finally took control while his hands controlled my body
I locked him in between
Then my legs started to become weak
I lost control once I felt that wet vibration inside of me
His fingers; digging
inside my tunnel, made my lungs work hard for oxygen
I saw my legs shake, but felt a feeling inside my body
I felt my legs shake, then I saw the feeling get stronger
Grasped everything I could reach, but I couldn’t hold on
I felt weakness while I trembled against his mouth

His face finally switched places with his hips
I was filled with a thicker weapon
The one that pushed up in my ribs
My neck was being abused;
getting marked up while I was hyperventilating
Losing air from everything, I couldn’t control how my body was reacting
He played the boss all night with all of his moves
And just as I thought all the positions were accomplished,
You showed me how I couldn’t handle the beating from your pelvis
You made a ponytail in my hair; the hair-tie was your hand
I was pulled back from a different position then I couldn’t move
My head was throbbing, but so was my
body
It was beautiful pain so I wanted more
Your love for my flexibility forced my legs onto your shoulders
Every minute was a different feeling
Every hour was a different position
There was nothing left for me to grab onto except your body
So i dug my nails in your skin,
scratching marks on your back on every spot you hit;
while your love bites left marks on my body

It was so noisy; felt like the bed was going to break
Uncontrollable sounds that I made
You were in charge of how I moved;
those ******* moments had my whole body in a quake
We were drenched; our bodies and the sheets
That big O you gave me, left me losing my voice from my screams

A kiss can turn into something dangerous if its in the dark
A tongue is like an instructor, showing me how I need to start
You tear off my clothes, then grasp my hips
I rip off your shirt, then I made your jeans up-zip
Your lips met my body, marking up my skin
Your tongue showered me, then found its way in
Losing grip in my hands, but my legs choked you
I felt weak when I couldn’t stop you
The intensity made me squirm; I couldn’t breathe
Finally I felt your whole body on top of me
I was strapped to the bed, waiting for that
moment where I cant hold on
That moment you constantly use your lips, body, & tongue
You showed me something new in the mirror
You made me focus when you whispered your plan in my ear
When you start, I tell you not to stop
I knew how to yell, but you make me scream when you hit the spot
You made me feel that pleasure, and rolled my eyes back
Felt myself drowsy, dizzy, and relaxed

I raised that hand one more time
Not to say goodbye;
But to say hi
Hi to the skin that healed many years ago
Goodbye to the unmarked wrist that finally went unharmed
That shiny, silver thing wasn’t a pretty jewel, nor a diamond
It wasn’t a piece of jewelry, or accessory, and not a pretty belt
All of a sudden my mind breaks the rules;
targeting one more time
Making me weak,
and ******* up one last time
It was a pressure that I once felt
I revisited the past while in the present
I unlocked a door with the missing key
A key I threw away, to get rid of my anxiety
It wasn’t a shiny; beautiful key
wasn’t the colour gold; it was was black & *****
The darkness were thoughts racing through my mind
The dirtiness was blood making me pour from the inside
I wanted a release that I used to give dangerously
I craved a new pill that I have never seen
I thought I killed the past;
or at least laid it to rest
I thought I would never pick up this weapon again
Sometimes we are convinced we are ok
and that we are finally strong
Then our mind becomes our enemy once again and proves us wrong