I tried to breathe when his teeth released its pressure on my neck
His lips left a mark that gave me a teasing ******
before his head moved below my waist
His tongue finally took control while his hands controlled my body
I locked him in between
Then my legs started to become weak
I lost control once I felt that wet vibration inside of me
His fingers; digging
inside my tunnel, made my lungs work hard for oxygen
I saw my legs shake, but felt a feeling inside my body
I felt my legs shake, then I saw the feeling get stronger
Grasped everything I could reach, but I couldn’t hold on
I felt weakness while I trembled against his mouth

His face finally switched places with his hips
I was filled with a thicker weapon
The one that pushed up in my ribs
My neck was being abused;
getting marked up while I was hyperventilating
Losing air from everything, I couldn’t control how my body was reacting
He played the boss all night with all of his moves
And just as I thought all the positions were accomplished,
You showed me how I couldn’t handle the beating from your pelvis
You made a ponytail in my hair; the hair-tie was your hand
I was pulled back from a different position then I couldn’t move
My head was throbbing, but so was my
body
It was beautiful pain so I wanted more
Your love for my flexibility forced my legs onto your shoulders
Every minute was a different feeling
Every hour was a different position
There was nothing left for me to grab onto except your body
So i dug my nails in your skin,
scratching marks on your back on every spot you hit;
while your love bites left marks on my body

It was so noisy; felt like the bed was going to break
Uncontrollable sounds that I made
You were in charge of how I moved;
those ******* moments had my whole body in a quake
We were drenched; our bodies and the sheets
That big O you gave me, left me losing my voice from my screams

A kiss can turn into something dangerous if its in the dark
A tongue is like an instructor, showing me how I need to start
You tear off my clothes, then grasp my hips
I rip off your shirt, then I made your jeans up-zip
Your lips met my body, marking up my skin
Your tongue showered me, then found its way in
Losing grip in my hands, but my legs choked you
I felt weak when I couldn’t stop you
The intensity made me squirm; I couldn’t breathe
Finally I felt your whole body on top of me
I was strapped to the bed, waiting for that
moment where I cant hold on
That moment you constantly use your lips, body, & tongue
You showed me something new in the mirror
You made me focus when you whispered your plan in my ear
When you start, I tell you not to stop
I knew how to yell, but you make me scream when you hit the spot
You made me feel that pleasure, and rolled my eyes back
Felt myself drowsy, dizzy, and relaxed

I raised that hand one more time
Not to say goodbye;
But to say hi
Hi to the skin that healed many years ago
Goodbye to the unmarked wrist that finally went unharmed
That shiny, silver thing wasn’t a pretty jewel, nor a diamond
It wasn’t a piece of jewelry, or accessory, and not a pretty belt
All of a sudden my mind breaks the rules;
targeting one more time
Making me weak,
and ******* up one last time
It was a pressure that I once felt
I revisited the past while in the present
I unlocked a door with the missing key
A key I threw away, to get rid of my anxiety
It wasn’t a shiny; beautiful key
wasn’t the colour gold; it was was black & *****
The darkness were thoughts racing through my mind
The dirtiness was blood making me pour from the inside
I wanted a release that I used to give dangerously
I craved a new pill that I have never seen
I thought I killed the past;
or at least laid it to rest
I thought I would never pick up this weapon again
Sometimes we are convinced we are ok
and that we are finally strong
Then our mind becomes our enemy once again and proves us wrong

There were many times I loved my fears more than feeling safe
There were many times I never showed love, only hate
There were many times I worshipped my nightmares over my dreams
There were many times I chose insomnia instead to sleep
There were many times I put aside my happiness only to be angry
There were many times I put myself in danger to please my anxiety
There were many times I needed that alcohol; bring drunk over sober
There were many times I left home to reveal all kinds of exposure
There were many times I chose the knife over my friends
There were many times I wanted to call it quits, before starting the meds

The most two-faced is the one living inside me;
the air I once breathed became polluted and made my soul black
When I became weak, I pushed myself to the floor
All those scars & cuts became bad memories that live on
I had fun drawing, but it wasn’t on paper
There was no eraser; I couldn’t erase the damage on my body
and that red liquid that dripped wasn’t paint
I tried to swim against my demons but they were a better swimmer
The ground I walked on was bumpy when I tried to walk away from the past
I needed to run away and hide from my fears but I was found
I felt warmth but then it turned cold
Then I heard every sound until my ears started to hurt
I kept my eyes opened but the tears ran down my cheeks and blocked my vision
A breath of fresh air became dusty and I began to choke
The reality was that I couldn’t be alive around myself
My wounds are healed but I keep bleeding
I can swim, but I’m drowning
I can walk, but I’m tripping
I can run, but I’m falling
I can feel, but I’m numb
I can hear, but I’m deaf
I can see, but I’m blind
I can breathe, but I’m hyperventilating
I can live, but I’m dying

I gave myself extra attention
but it was the kind that wasn’t safe
I accepted the anger that turned my face red
It stole the happiness I lost
I hugged the mirror only when I cried
I kissed my pillow that I slept on for years missing the innocence
that I tried to hide
I inhaled that anxiety so deep cause it made me dizzy
I liked falling on the floor to wake my demons up to torment me
I loved the darkness cause it scared me
it was my alarm clock from insomnia to keep me awake
I gave words but I was a bad influence
and convinced myself to drink
So I welcomed that poison liquid, to wash away all of my fears
I accepted being drunk all the time,
because it brought out the stranger that I got along with
I gave all my love, but to a knife
and worshipped the blood that flowed out of my skin
cause it made me so dizzy
I gave all my trust to my mind
and it only hurt cause I loved myself for all the wrong reasons

It all started when that salty water from the eyes, creates its first tears;
making a skin damp that can quickly be wiped off
That damp skin turned wet when the tears became heavy
Its hard to quickly wipe now; there is more salt water burning my face
I felt a puddle, underneath my body
I thought a sadness passed, but I was stepping in my tears now
I stepped out of my puddle,
then fell into a river
I gasped for air from the thin layer of water that covered me
I felt like I was half drowned;
and that my strength broke from me
I figured out my anxiety, my anger & fears
I figured out my sadness, my moods & nightmares
Im actually sinking
because now I created an ocean,
and Im actually drowning
I never knew a drop of rain could turn into a drop of my body;
drowning purposely by me