I see everything, but my eyes are closed
I hear every rumour, but my ears are plugged
I screamed really loud, but my lungs are collapsed
I breathed every breath, but my heart had stopped
I felt every touch, but i was so numb

My eyes had opened, and i saw only darkness
My ears were unplugged, and i only heard white noise
My lungs were healed, but i was unable to speak
My heart began pumping, but i couldnt breathe
My body had feeling, but i felt nothing

When i used to say goodnight,
I saw you in the morning
When i used to say im leaving,
I came back while you were there
When i used to call you on the phone,
Your voice would always be on the other side
When i used to go out,
You would stay up until i got home
When i went to bed,
I would wake up to see you still sleeping
When i used to smell your cooking,
You would always make enough for an army
When i used to say goodbye to you,
I said hello when i came home

I cant hear your goodnights anymore
I cant hear your goodmornings anymore
I cant talk to you on the phone anymore
I cant see you sleeping anymore
I cant smell your cooking anymore
I cant hear your hellos anymore
because i never thought i would ever be forced to say goodbye..

I created episodes like you would see on a tv show;
but mine were real
I became crazy like you would see in a thriller movie;
but my moodswings wasnt an act
I cried like you would see a baby in tears;
But i was hurting
I screamed like you would see in a horror film;
But my fears and demons are chasing me
I was out of control like you would see in an action movie
But my actions wouldnt lie
i would be silent like you would see in a mute person;
But my voice wont allow me to speak
I wouldnt listen like you would see a deaf person;
But my ears wont allow me to hear
I couldnt look like you would see a blind person;
But my eyes wouldnt allow me to see
I couldnt breathe like you would see a heart stop;
But my lungs kept me hyperventilating with anxiety
I became distant like you would see miles away;
but i actually disappeared

I have asked for silence,
Not to go deaf or unable to speak.
I have asked for everything to be gone,
Not to go blind.
I have asked to breathe calmly,
Not to completely stop breathing.
I have asked to be releaved,
Not to go weak.
I have asked to forget things,
Not to have amnesia.
I have asked to dim the lights,
Not to be trapped in the darkness.
I have asked to stop the nightmares,
Not to stop sleeping.
I have asked to stop crying,
Not to stop all emotions.
I have asked to cool down,
Not to freeze.
I have asked to be warm,
Not to boil with heat.
I have asked to be patient,
Not to wait forever.
I have asked to stop all the problems,
Not to stop everything.
I have asked to turn away from the mirror,
Not for it to break me.
I have asked that things go back to normal,
Not for everything to appear as something worse.
I have asked to change myself,
Not to be changed into a stranger I dont even know.

Putting my brain to work,
I think it all out.
This mood has been going on for such a long time.
So much anxiety all at once.
So much anger all at once.
Slowly,
I just want to get all this buildup out,
Thats stuck inside of me.
I need to be free.
The sounds of music,
The sad songs are played.
Its minor,
To loosen everything up.
The silence within me;
My mind throws everything in my face,
So I can be reminded of all the pain.
The clear glass of alcohol,
I drink it all away.
The sharp razor of the knife,
I bleed it all away.
My eyes meet the photos of the past;
I continue to stare deep inside the portraits of happiness.
The mirror pulls me to have a conversation.
Im hypnotized without a sound to have eye contact,
With the stranger on the wall.
My mind;
I have no control.
My body;
Im being forced.
My soul;
I make myself invisible.
Trapped;
My mind is forcing me to put my life on hold.
Trapped;
My body takes the beatings.
Trapped;
My soul disappears from it all.
All at once,
Im trapped.
My tears break the silence.

‎4 years ago today, we were all gathered together
4 years ago today, we were all losing our minds
4 years ago today, the doctor couldnt lie
4 years ago today, we knew we were going to cry
4 years ago today, we saw you suffering
4 years ago today, you had your last sight
4 years ago today, you had your last movement
4 years ago today, you had your last hearing
4 years ago today, you had your last breath
4 years ago today, all our tears were coming down hard
4 years ago today we knew god was whispering "come with me"
4 years ago today we had no choice but to say goodbye
4 years ago today, god took you to his kingdom
4 years ago today, we knew you were the new queen of angels    
4 years ago today, is the anniversary of your death
4 years ago today, is the day i will never forget
4 years ago today, is the day i cry the most
4 years ago today, is the day i visit your place
4 years ago today, next year is another hard day

A feeling of migraines meant its stress,
But one time it meant a sign of something wrong
A feeling of confusion meant being forgetful,
A feeling of exhaustion meant not enough sleep,
But one time it meant all the energy was drained
But one time it meant the brain isnt thinking properly
A feeling of being sick meant its just the flu,
But one time it meant a diagnostic
Visitation at the hospital meant the strength will pick back up,
But one time it meant the weakness took over
Visitation at the hospital meant hope for getting back to normal,
But one time it meant praying for good health
Visitation at the hospital meant everything would be ok,
But one time it meant the worse is yet to come

Coming home meant no more worries
But one time, it meant that there was nothing more that could have been done
Coming home meant happiness
But one time it meant sadness
Coming home meant get some rest
But one time it meant going to sleep forever
Coming home meant recovering
But it actually meant dying..