When my dreams turned into nightmares
When my nightmares finally came true;
I indulged a sudden shock to my body
I indulged what i should have prevented
I wanted to feel what everyone feared
I wanted to do what people dont do
I tried to force myself to be strong, but that strength was my mind over my heart
And my soul over my body
I learned to appear in front of a mirror; blinded from the person i saw
My fears werent leaving
My anxiety kept rising
My anger escalated
My depression had me dying
One day i turned & i snapped
I explored & i had to act
I wanted to change what changed me
I wanted to hurt what was slowly killing me
I ignored my hearts attention when i heard the knife calling
I welcomed my minds whispers when the razors had me eyeballing
I couldnt control
I couldnt turn back
My mind was in charge
I couldnt fight back
As i start to cry
It was time to end my innocence inside
The new thing i needed, was already planned
It was my last resort
It was my escape
It was the love of my mind
But the master to my heart
And i was behind invisible bars
Chained; locked inside my own body
I couldnt go on feeling unsatisfied
I couldnt go on feeling lonely
& so i made friends with a knife, a razor, and scissors
They taught me how to hurt
Taught me how to bleed
Taught me how to aim
And taught me it wouldnt be easy
It wasnt easy; they were right.
But what they meant;
It wouldnt be easy to turn back and fight.
It was an addiction
I loved the pain
The pain was gone
But there was darkness that still remained
Everyday i would continue
Self mutilation was the only answer
The red lines on my body never faded
I cut deep
I cut deep in the past;
& so i took the knife deep with me
I cut deep in my nightmares;
& so i took the razor deep with me
I cut deep at my problems;
& so i cut it all with the scissors
There was no more pain, but i was bleeding
I needed the pain, but i was blinded
I loved the pain, but i was confused
I always had the pain, because now im bruised.
Inside was who i truly saw
Inside was who i truly felt
I have been played with,
****** with,
Used
And im the only one to blame for hurting myself

There is an invisible light thats blinding me
I want to shut it off but it wont let me
I wanna close the door and forget whats behind me
I wanna lay the past to rest
There is a reflection that shines on me
The mirrors around me wont shatter
I keep seeing a shadow that follows me
The lost soul of my spirit's nest
I breathe in anxiety
I breathe out hyperventilation
I gasp for air as my heart pounds faster
My lungs had finally collapsed
I feel numb & pain at the same time
I feel dizzy & stability working together
I feel heart failure & heart success
I feel my life had been put to the test
I see the mistakes
I see the disappointments
I see the sadness
I see the anger
I wanted correction
I wanted satisfaction
I wanted happiness
I wanted pleasure
I cried
I screamed
I hurt myself
I found escapes
I finally was calm
I finally was quiet
I finally was relaxed
But i was in danger from all the pain
I wanna forget
I wanna redo
I wanna erase
I wanna wipe away that life
The nightmares & fears
The pain & the tears
The aggression & abuse
The starvation of wanting to fight

I saw all the colours fade
They faded into grey
They faded into black
And then i saw beautiful flowers trying to replace a beautiful soul
And nothing can replace another broken soul
I watched every second
I cried every second
I wished every second for the weakness to be gone
I often wondered why, but God gave me no answer
I often asked multiple questions, but
God ignored every single one of them
Nothing was cured
Not even my heart
Nothing was done
Not even a miracle
The prayers that got delivered, are still locked up in my brain
But then i often thought about what could have been prevented if the devil hadnt stepped in
Her days were getting short,
And i saw a bed being made up above
I dreamt of a queen but i never knew who
Until the day came
Until there was nothing left to do
Why take such an innocent soul
Why take such a beautiful face
Why rob the family of happiness
Why make such a terrible mistake
A sleeping beauty that never woke up,
Everything was done
And left us in shock
There was a new place to hold her
To place her body
To keep her
From his hands to her wings
They gained an angel
But we lost a queen

*dedicated to my mother i miss and love u so much

My chest is so heavy, and i feel like my heart is going to fall
My skin is cold, numb; and i feel nothing at all
And then i feel a puddle; its my tears
that i had made myself sink
Im gasping for air, and i feel nothing except water that keeps pushing me in
I feel like im being dragged to the floor
Like a chain attached to my heart and i can no longer unlock the door
My eyes are closing, they are burning inside
The portraits of pain has made me gone blind
Im so weak within my body;
I fell; noone to catch me
I lay here on the floor and i scream for help so suddenly
Alone; noone around
Noone is near, noone hears my loud mouth
My heart dropped its beat on the ground
Now i cannot hear; im deaf from the loud sound
Like a speaker that blew;
I exploded, and my heart did too
It happened; i broke,
I shattered, my heart spoke
I bled, im on the ground
Im done, no more being dragged down

I can feel an anxiety thats coming through with force
My body is shaking
My body is trembling and then im numb
I feel a gentle flow running down my face from my eyes
My face is shining
My face feels wet
Now my face shines, but not with happiness
Im sparkling now with brokenness
I wiped away everything that ran down my face
I was glowing
I was sparkling
I couldnt get these tears off my face anymore
I was angry
I was anxious
I couldnt stop these tears from coming through my eyes
I was depressed
I was hurt
I couldnt stop these feelings tearing my heart out of my chest
I wanna run, but where will i hide
I wanna speak, but what will i say
I wanna fall, but whos going to catch me
I wanna sleep, but will i wake up
I keep wiping my face
They are just sparkles
I keep counting each sparkle
Each one has its meaning
I keep releasing them on my face
And my face always shines
I cannot control whats coming through my broken heart & eyes

Hidden behind me as it whispers in my ears;
"I can help you"
And I was so naive, falling for every move i was forced to do
When i was promised music, it didnt mean that it had to be depressing
When i was promised the light, it didnt mean for the sun to blind me
When i was promised love, it didnt mean that i stay in love with my sorrow
When i was promised justice, it didnt mean that i had to throw things in rage
When i was promised to feel calm, it didnt mean that i had to be loved by alcohol
When i was promised a friend, it didnt mean i had to shake hands with the devil
When i was promised loneliness, it didnt mean that i lock my own door
When i was promised dreams, it didnt mean that nightmares were supposed to appear
When i was promised honesty, it didnt mean that my tears had to drown me
When i was promised strength, it didnt mean for the knife to rub its face on my arm
When i was promised to change, it didnt mean that my innocence disappears;
and so when i was promised happiness, it didnt mean i was happy doing wrong

Why cant i see
Im wondering why my eyes keep closing
I feel the need to use my hands to open the lids from being shut
Why cant i speak
Im wondering why my voice is gone
I feel the need to whisper and try to get out a sound
Why cant i hear
Im wondering why my ears wont inhale sound
I feel the need to press my ears against the world to see if im listening
Why cant i move
Im wondering why my body wont get up
I feel the need to reach out for strength and see if i can lift myself up
Why cant i breathe
Im wondering why my lungs arent opening, and my heart doesnt pump
I feel the need to try to breathe air inside my own body;
But im unable to see
Im unable to speak
Im unable to hear
Im unable to move
So im unable to breathe; and if im dying inside there is no way im able to bring myself back to life
Im under a drug that wont fade away
Im in the middle of a crisis thats pushing to stay
Im trying to fight for the pain to go away
But the nightmare wont make me wake