I wanted to find the proper answers
My questions still remain unanswered
My prayers were left open with no responses
Now my tears drown me forever
I went on my knees everyday questioning if there was another way
To change it all
To fix it all
To heal it all
But the time was small
I didnt know what it actually meant when i had to hide
I didnt know what it actually meant when i felt my soul die
I didnt know what it actually meant when i finally opened my eyes
I didnt know what it actually meant when i realized the truth wasnt a lie
Now it was the time i searched you but i couldnt see
Now it was the time i tried to talk to you but i couldnt speak
Now it was the time to try to hear you but i couldnt hear
Now it was the time to reach out to you but you were forced to disappear
I knew it was that time
That time for me to cry
That time to close your eyes
That time to say goodbye

I can zone out for hours and pretend that im ok
Until im shaken, im frozen
Until im moved, im still
Until im screamed at, my worries remain
I still think of those cuts made from a razer and a knife
I still think of those times when i wanted fight
I cannot forget those times i loved being alone
I cannot forget those times i loved my door closed
Privacy wasnt spoken about; i gave noone a choice
I shut the blinds before a stranger
I closed the window in front of my friends
I slammed my door on loved ones
And i welcomed my enemy that brainwashed my head
When i screamed, i harmed my voice
When i cried, i harmed my eyes
When i hyperventilated, i harmed my lungs
But when my thoughts didnt make sense, my brain was fine
Not understanding what hurt me but i remember how it ruined me
I was fragile when my strength was taken
Then my power was only inside my head
I remember who i hurt
I forgot who i was
I remember who i ignored
I forgot the person that i lost
I only knew fears, loneliness and bleeding pain
Deep down i tried to find a shield, a perfect stranger, and a bandaid

My memories of peacefulness has been erased from my mind
I have no way of getting back to the reality of life full of failure
I was drowned inside my body and then i wasnt living
I died inside my nightmares, then my dreams became a reality
I let go of myself and i slipped away
I fell through the cracks
And then i shattered into pieces that i thought would never break
I tied every knot tighter from my mistakes that were on a string
And then when i finally found the scissors,
Instead i cut myself from reality and the string had strangled me
On the ground i lay
I had fallen with no more pieces left to break
My body stopped working
Like a broken toy that got thrown out;
I didnt even care to get fixed
I gave it all up
The strength had left and the weakness forced itself in me
I didnt know how to use my lungs anymore
I forgot how to breathe
I didnt know how to use my mouth anymore
I forgot how to speak
I didnt know how to use my ears anymore
I forgot how to hear
I didnt know how to use my eyes anymore
I forgot how to see
I didnt know how to use my muscles anymore
I forgot how to move
I didnt know how to use my bones anymore
I forgot how to think
I didnt want to use myself anymore..

The weight is heavy against my body
I can feel my chest being pushed in
Its tight inside this little space
I cannot move; i can barely breathe
There was a cage that grew over me;
Locking me in
And hiding me
I wanted to escape but i couldnt find the key
I was trapped and i was lost
I tried pushing my way through but nothing moved
I just had no strength to move my own fears
Invisible pins pierced through my clothes
And then the wall waited for my body; i was pushed but i didnt fall
Instead i was held up with the strong forces, then i felt like i was being strangled
I had no way of breaking through
My strength broke when i tried to escape
There was nowhere to go
So i stood there feeling helpless
I breathed so deeply hoping my lungs would open wider
Instead i felt them being crushed
And then my heart was squeezed until i fell to the floor
I was feeling weak
No more wall was behind me
Instead i was pushed to the floor
Broken,
Shattered,
Bleeding until i couldnt take no more
Felt stabbed with invisible knives
Cut right open,
And ended the fight

I talk,
But im forced to choke on my words
I scream,
But im forced to hold it between my teeth
I whisper,
But im forced to just close my mouth
What is left?
I try to breathe,
But i have no oxygen
Inside my throat is where i feel a pain so uncontrollable
My chest feels like there are pins and needles; just piercing me and i cant find the holes
Then my heart feels like theres a knife just stabbing me with no control
My words were innocent until i was triggered
My actions were gentle until i was tempted
My mind was stable until i got introduced
My body was pure until i got damaged
As i whispered, i had to chew ******* my words
It was sweet and innocent, so i bit my tongue and silenced
Then i spoke, i had to close my mouth
It was salty but easy to wash it right out
Then i tried to breathe, it was too sour for me proceed.
I was struggling with no air
Then i tried to think, it was bitter and i couldnt keep it all in
So then my heart came up into my throat
The pain that i felt when i had to *****
But at the same time i was forced to keep it down
Im so nauseous from trying to be strong
I held inside everything that was wrong
I bleed without a knife
My mind just wants to fight
My nightmares havent disappeared
My fears have left me in tears
Now i cant breathe
Im choking and its all too sharp
I dont wanna close my mouth with everything just piercing through me
My throat acts like a shield; protecting the body from damage
But im too weak to fight back so i have to bite down and take it
Its inside my stomach,
I wanna ***** the liquid out of me
Its inside my blood,
I wanna cut out the depression inside of me
Its in my bones,
I wanna break; then rebuild what already broke me
Its in my chest
I wanna rip out the heart thats frozen
Its in my throat
I wanna pull it all out but its too late
Its in my mouth
I was forced to take in what i couldnt handle
My mouth was supposed to stay closed so that it all couldnt go down

I feel so tired
Tired of trying to win
Im fighting a battle against myself
And i should just give up
Im slipping through the cracks that i made with my force
My anger broke down what was trying to protect me
I cant breathe; it feels like im suffocating
Im inside a box with no holes and i need to get air
I blocked every escape i had that was open
They closed up and locked me out
I can never get out, even though i created the locks
The keys are locked away somewhere inside my head
Im so tired of searching
Searching for all these answers
My questions just cannot be answered
I tried, and then i failed
I failed a test that i was forced to cheat on; & then i disqualified myself from life
I tried not to get hurt but my mind was the weapon
I bled from the inside out without a shield for protection against myself
In the darkness i was blind to fight
There was no light for my freedom to hide
It all came at me at once
I wasnt ready to fail from my own soul
Once it started, it just didnt stop
I had no time to breathe
I had no chance to speak
Fighting the fears
But i ran away
Fighting the lies
But i was naive
Fighting the darkness
But then i couldnt sleep
Fighting the pain
But then i bleed
Fighting the emotions
But then i cry
Fighting the emotions
But then i wanna hide
Fighting the emotions
But then i become angry
Fighting the emotions
But then its overwhelming
Fighting the emotions
But then i become anxious
Fighting the emotions
But then become hypertension
Fighting the emotions
But then i become lost
Fighting the emotions
But then i give up

I held on to memories that will never fade away
I squeeze my eyes tight thinking it will all go away
The water from my eyes burn my wounds but i dont care
It burns even more when i think into the past
And these scars will always be visible
I feel my heart pounding
As i see myself drowning
I feel my head spinning
As i see myself falling
I feel myself breaking
As i see myself bleeding
I couldnt hold on any longer
I just slipped away
And with the visions of my nightmares, i just want to lose sight
My eyes are blurry and i choose not to see
I always hoped when they open, everything would go back to normal
But its like a waterfall; pouring all over me
Im drenched and cold from the liquid that takes over me
The drops that fell on the floor for me to slip and fall
The puddles that were made for me to ignore a reflection
The ocean that i was forced to swim in, but then i drowned
I took the drops and i made the puddles
I took the puddles and i made an ocean
And when i drowned, was when i couldnt take no more
The memories of pain
The memories of suffering
The memories of remembering
It is the time of struggling
I couldnt see no more
The water took my sight
My face is all numb from wiping away the tears
And i could hardly breathe;
I choked and then i was never able to fight my fears
I couldnt see what was in front of me
I only saw what was within me
I forgot how everything looked around me
I only knew that i could never be set free
Did you ever cry so much that it burned?
Did you ever cry so much that it hurt?
Did you ever cry so much that you couldnt breathe?
Did you ever cry so much that you couldnt see?