I held on to what feared me for too long
Now i wanna leave; i wanna let go
My strength was taken and is still locked away
My weakness became weaker and im still searching a way to run and break free
I had enough of what tortured me;
My mind that overpowered me
I had enough of the pain that ruined me;
My soul that slowly finished me
I wanted no more abusing;
Myself that was always bleeding
I drowned and it wasnt from water
My tears were bringing me down
I ran but i wasnt being chased
My heart was racing from the worry
I choked and it wasnt from eating
My hands wrapped around my own throat
I stopped breathing and i dont have asthma
I hyperventilated from no control
I bled and it wasnt an accident
I was an owner of a razor
How do i undo this
How can i redo this
I searched for the key for years;
To unlock what i locked up that hid all my fears
All the pain
And all the wounds
All the scars
And all the bruises
All the fears
And all the nightmares
All the worry
And all the panic
All anger
And all the sadness
All the memories
And all the suffering
All the closure
And all the darkness
It needs to end

When its loud, it becomes silent
When theres light, it becomes dark
When its easy, it becomes hard
When its full, it becomes empty
When theres fun, the fun ends
When theres happiness, it turns into anger
When theres joy, it turns into depression
When theres dreams, they turn into nightmares
When theres confidence, fear takes over
When theres talking, silence is overwhelming
When theres appearance, it becomes ignored
When the eyes see, it becomes blurry
When the ears listen, it becomes staticky
When breathing, it becomes breathless
When the mind is in peace, it becomes dangerous
When the heart speaks, it becomes broken
As i shut myself in and lock the door
I stay to bleed all over the floor
It was silent
It was quiet
I wanted everyone out
It hurts now
Its painful
I never accepted help
It was dangerous
It was serious
I couldnt be controlled
It was stupid
It was unexplainable
I wanted to go

The phone calls reached your ears
But my ears were saddened by the other end
Everyday i called
But everyday got shorter
I heard the weakness in your voice
I heard the change from the words you tried to speak
I just couldnt recognize the strength that suddenly grew so weak
I tried to raise your spirits,
but i couldnt understand the pain
My tears were always hidden
They drowned me as i closed myself in
I knew time was running out and then i wished there was something i could do
There was no voice because you were limited to speak
There was no air that was strong because you were fighting to breathe
Everything was slowing down;
We just tried to understand what you felt
Seeking help; we only heard you in pain
We wished you had healed
We wished you were able to explain
I was confused;
But then i understood
I was dumb;
But then i wasnt stupid
I was dreaming;
But then the nightmare came true
I was deaf;
But then i heard
I was praying;
But then my prayers were ignored
We couldnt hear no more
Then the breathing got slow
It was a nightmare
A terrible nightmare
I wanted to close my eyes and make it all disappear
But when i opened my eyes, it was the pounding heart that disappeared

Gripping so hard,
But slowly it slips away
There comes that time where we prepare to have another cry
The strength tried to hold on
But then got showered with weakness
It became hard to hear
It became hard to speak
It became hard to see
It became hard to breathe
We remember the beauty
We remember the memories
We remember the love
We remember the smiles
We remember the times
We remember the hours
We remember the minutes
We remember the seconds
We remember the first breath
Through the years that made us happy
Now we will remember the last breath
And know that happiness doesnt last forever
When a beating heart stops,
It shocks us through our body,
When a beating heart stops,
It also stops everyone else's suddenly
Light turns to darkness
And darkness keeps on winning
But then the brightest light was up above;
It overpowered, but left us mourning
This will leave the days dark
It will leave hearts so very heavy
The time will be slow
The moods will be depressing
And the memories will never fade away
But now there is no more pain to pray for it to go away


RIP Carmie
Love u always
Miss u forever ❤️

I wanna laugh but i cant even smile
I wanna scream but i cant even speak
I wanna empty my lungs but i cant even breathe
I wanna listen but i cant even hear
I wanna watch but i cant even see
I wanna touch but i cant even feel
I wanna fight but i cant even move
I wanna run but i cant even walk
I wanna get help but i cant even ask
I wanna talk back but i cant even respond
I wanna explain but i cant even think
I wanna lose feeling but im already numb
I wanna lose my my voice but im already mute
I wanna stop my breath but i already have no air
I wanna lose my hearing but im already deaf
I wanna lose my sight but im already blind
Im numb but i feel the pain
Im mute but i scream in silence
I dont breathe and i choke on oxygen
Im deaf but the noises hurt my ears
Im blind but i see the darkness
The pain hurts me silently
The oxygen is fake and it only makes a loud noise in my ears
And im broken in the darkness;
Because i lost by trying to fight my fears

Im behind a door so that noone can see me
When i appear in front of everyones eyes, its like an act that im forced to perform
I cant pretend that im breathing,
When im actually choking
Im strangling myself silently until im hyperventilating alone
I keep quiet in a crowd
Then i scream when noones around
I keep my eyes dry until they burn
Then i try to smile when my cries are heard
Im leaning on myself
But then i fall
I wasnt strong enough to hold my body;
Because i was too weak to hold on to my fears
I slipped away
I fell & broke
I let go of something that I wasnt able to hold
My pieces were lost and so was i
My body was shattered but i couldnt open my eyes
I was crowded from the images inside my eyes; i couldnt see
My lungs had collapsed from being caved in; i couldnt breathe
My throat closed in from swallowing the negativity; i started to choke
My heart kept pounding fast; and then it suddenly broke
My body gave out; so i became weak
My bones veins snapped in pieces; so my nerves kept bothering me
I stay silent
Im silent but frustrated inside
I wanna break free
But im being held down
I wanna undo these knots that have me captured deep within myself
No time to breathe
No words to speak
No getting rid of the fears that cause this anxiety

Im looking for a way to break away from this weakness
I was separated from my strength and now i feel myself falling over
I feel my nerves shaking as the anxiety approaches
The air inside my lungs is escaping fast as i try to take a breath
Its too fast for me to catch and my heart is pounding harder
Thoughts racing;
My happiness is escaping
My tears are burning my insides until they pour out all the pain
I feel like im releasing all the water thats left inside my body;
Im so dehydrated
Im so dry that im choking on my own air
I can just feel the air escape as i try to breathe
Im losing it all as i try to grasp the memories that turn around and make negativity on me
I wanna black out and forget
But im seeing every darkness instead
Im thinking too hard
Or im being murdered inside my thoughts
I have the weapon;
And i have been using it inside my nightmares
Im fighting but nothing is being done
Im crying and im the only one
Racing heart;
I can feel it pounding
Shaking;
Im unstable
Hyperventilating;
Im dizzy
Hot flashes;
Im burning
Eyes are blurry;
The tears are falling
Weakness;
Im on the floor