I finally go deep inside my mind
I close my eyes and suddenly i cry
I see everything now;
That i never saw before
I see everything i chased right out the door
I remember the times i threw myself to the ground
I lay there broken;
Never wanted to be found
I shut my door
I ignored who cared
I only focused on all my fears and nightmares
Those nights that i cried
Those nights i wanted to hide
Those nights that i had a knife
Those nights that i wanted to die
The nights i drank to forget
Were the nights i wanted to be numb
The nights i picked up a knife
Were the nights i wasnt afraid of blood
The times that anxiety choked me
I was struggling and i was weak
My fears kept getting closer to me
Then i just never wanted to see
The anger never stops
The depression never leaves
The weakness never strengthens
The ongoing of memories

Sitting alone waiting
Waiting for it all to change
The nightmares are scary
And my fears are dangerous to me
I look back to the past and i try to erase the pain
But its all permanent; the scars are all over my body and mind
I stitched myself together so i wont fall apart again
I was bleeding from the inside out and it started through a hole in my heart
When that hole got bigger i just decided to rip it out
The big hole in my chest welcomed darkness inside my body
Inside im turned around to face the mirror
The mirror that showed me a stranger that i didnt know
Inside im turned upside down to face the ground
The ground that holds me because i cannot lift myself up
Inside i break
I break into pieces
My mind broke my body and im forced to put myself back together again
As i reach, i finally touch the broken bits
But i cut myself deep
Its all sharp to put it all back the way it was
Sharp like a knife;
But then i didnt mind
I accepted the pain
And then i got an addiction from bleeding through my skin
I suddenly felt all dizziness
And then i gave up on looking
I suddenly felt the calmness
And suddenly i lay down to forget it all
I never ended up picking up the pieces
The pieces that were broken from my mind
I feel so brainwashed
And i cannot remember who i was

Its been too long since i saw your face
Its been too long since you slipped away
Its still in my nightmares that i dont wanna believe the truth
I cant forget how it hurt
How it hurt to be separated
I cant forget how it felt
How it felt to be torn away
I cant forget how much shock i was
In
How shocked i was to experience this pain
I cant forget how much pain
How much pain was brought on that day
The last memory
The last words
The last prayer that i ever heard
The last kiss
The last touch
The last feeling that was so painful
I wont ever heal
I wont ever stop these cries
I wont ever let go
I wont ever forget that last goodbye..

Mom❤️

That part of your body when something is taken
Then your unable to function
It squeezes out and escapes until the memory game is played
Normality is hiding
And the darkness is seeking
I left myself alone
And then i lost it all
My mind went left and my body went right
My mind turned on me and my heart ran from me
I suddenly lost control and so i suddenly lost myself
I cant remember how i ended up so deep
Deep inside a hole, that im sinking each time i fail
When i failed i looked through a reflection for my last hope..
I looked in the mirror and i asked for my memories
It just threw itself on the floor and shattered to pieces
The pieces were the memories that wouldnt allow me to piece back together
Piece by piece, i bleed when i pick up the glass
I have to start over
I have to piece it back together
The mirror broke itself to test me
I have to gain it all back
But where do i find my strength because it got erased

My anger is rising to the point where i cant breathe
My heart is just pounding hard as i try to escape from myself
The fears and nightmares are what i hate
The tears are running down my face
I wanna run but i know i cant hide
Regrets of shame
Regrets of mistakes
I tried to undo the knots in my own string
I tried to erase what was written out of my mouth
My string was cut
And then i fell overboard
I couldnt erase what i already said
It was permanent
Like a black market that cant disappear
I look at whats inside and try to break what i want to make it go away
Nothing moves
Nothing heals
Nothing changes
Nothing disappears
My forces pulled me to react with no reason
My screams left my throat dry
My strength left my hands weak
The nerves in my body; trembling as i shake
I punched through a wall that i have created
I swam through the puddles that my tears left behind
And now at the end of the tunnel what have I accomplished?
Fighting but i lost
Hiding but im found
Running but im caught
I lost but then i won
And then i regret fighting
I was found but then i found another hiding spot; and then i stayed in the darkness
I regret closing my eyes
I was caught but then i ran faster
I regret going down the wrong path
I felt controlled
I was out of control
I couldnt speak without screaming
I couldnt see without crying
I couldnt breathe without hyperventilating
I couldnt hear without the noises
I screamed
I cried
I hyperventilated
I heard noises
And i couldnt control my actions

Its all closed
Its all locked
And everything is dark around me
Inside but cant get out
Listening but cant make a sound
Looking but cant see clear
Speaking but noone can hear
Around me i cannot explain
When i try to speak, noone can u understand
And when i try to make them understand, they get confused
Reaching out; this isnt a game
Reaching out; cause im going insane
I wanna close my eyes and then open them without being afraid
But my fears are all around me
My nightmares are out to get me
Im so isolated with fire and i feel im going to burn out
The tension is around me when i try to breathe
I cannot put my air anywhere so i choke
Im hyperventilating inside body; theres no room to breathe
My heart pounds faster but my body is weak
It suddenly stops because im ******* myself in my bones as i try to squeeze
I have no strength; its taken away
My weakness escaped
My strength, locked away
I wanna speak but i choke
I wanna see but my eyes close
I wanna hear but my ears are injected with static
I wanna feel but im so numb
I wanna run but i fall
I wanna breathe but my airway have been blocked
I wanna scream but my mouth is covered
I wanna cry but my eyes are shut tight
I wanna be told that i can escape but im told that i have to remain locked up inside
I wanna ice my skin but i will get frost bitten
I wanna pick myself up but im pinned to the floor
I wanna take in the breaths but my lungs have collapsed
I wanna start over but i cant
I wanna turn back time but it wont
I wanna unlock to escape,
But i threw away the key

The heart that pounds
The breath that was lost
The weakness in the body
The blurriness in the eyes
The numbness in the hands
The headaches that wont leave
The sharp pain within the skin
The blindness in the eyes
The anger that was brought on
The anxiety that would carry on
The depression that wouldnt move on
The tears in the eyes
The reality that changed
The memories that wont fade
The nightmares that stayed
The fears that wont ever escape
The strength to move on
The thoughts that block the eyes
The darkness that forbids
The drowning in the night