All the smiles
All the joy
All the laughter
All the rejoice
Lights are bright
The light is shining through
Deep in my heart is the only one i have because of you
Its just another day;
Another day to be more happier
But another day to feel more pain
And another day to feel more emptier
Memories remain
Pain wont ever change
Pictures will always be the same
Heartache once again
My mind is crowded
And my heart is full
Its too hard to have fun
Presents wont get me happier
The one thing i want is so impossible
Its too far away to reach
Its too far away to grab
The one thing i want,
Is someone i cannot have
I had it every year
I had it everyday
The love that i shared
Was taken on a painful day
I have forgotten what christmas felt like
Its just not the same
The happiness was taken from me;
I feel no more warmth
The joy that was taken from me;
I feel no more excitement
The love that was taken from me;
I feel no more company
The sadness that was brought to me;
Now i feel the tears
The anger that was brought to me;
Now i feel anxiety
The emptiness that was brought to me;
Now i feel the loneliness

Continuing to worry; i go through it all
Inside the closet i see the dresser filled with memories
Do i take it?
Do i leave it?
Im running out of time
I gather the clothes as my eyes tear up,
I refuse to listen as i hear a loud voice
"Shes gonna be here soon, are you getting her stuff ready?"
Im listening as i stall
Fearing,
Anxious,
Something doesnt seem right
Crying,
Its dejavu
Arent i supposed to be sleeping tight?
The light was bright
The car pulls up
I hear the noises of the stairs
Into the room,
I had to rush the things
Then it ended with an unknown ending
I wake from a repetitive scene, and this isnt the first time
I keep hyperventilating to the same dream
I keep having similar dreams
I keep wanting to change these dreams
My heart pounds as my anger strikes
I wanna close my eyes again and go back to change the past
-She goes to the hospital one more time

Mistakes were made, but never learned
My head was fuming, but it was my heart that got burned
My ears werent working, only towards my friends
My mouth kept talking, till it was the end
I saw what was happening with my eyes shut
My lungs were collapsed but i was able to scream
My bones were broken while the only thing that was strong was my heart
So much in shock, I thought i was dying, with no pain
Thought it was a nightmare but it was actually the truth
I was in complete darkness and the only light that i remembered was from the cop
I felt the cold air on my skin in the sky
And then my memory forwarded to when i felt so disabled
I woke up from the nightmare but i wasnt free
It was the middle of the nightmare
I was still trapped, then i questioned myself; why
I just felt like a broken doll; stitched and hoping i wont fall apart again
I couldnt talk
I was trying to express
And then a i learned that a pen was my voice;
But then my strength wasnt there
I tried but i failed; the paper was blank
I was just too weak to make the pen kiss its partner
I was so angry i couldnt speak
The tube blocked my every sound;
It was a time to remember to be in school again;
Raising my hand for attention when i was forced to be silent
When i finally breathed on my own, i felt my heart racing.
I just didnt know what was happening until they told me i will breathe slower
I didnt like this feeling, felt like i was hyperventilating
I still couldnt speak; i had to learn how to control it once again
My lungs were still weak
I wasnt alive until they came;
My family opened my eyes.
Then when i was alone, it all started again
And when the cast came off,
I saw the wounds that I purposely made before i crashed
I was already bleeding;
I remembered what else i have done to myself
And then i answered myself why
I knew exactly the reason why
Then my body appeared in another building of new faces
But my mind was at home
When will i be home? i questioned them everyday
Each answer changed
The frustrations i had,
The anger inside,
And the tears i had to hide
It was just so hard to believe i was in a chair with wheels
It was just so hard to believe i broke my own bones
It was so hard to believe i had to learn to walk again
It was even harder to believe that i heard what actually happened
A place to recover
A place to gain strength
But a place that made me forget how to smile
Full of anger
Full of bitterness
Full of hate
I just sat and wrote all my poems with a dark heart
When it was time to gain strength, i already succeeded
Not with the helpers
Not with the blind lady who helped me,
But my mind broke through it all
And then i got so annoyed;
That i was the one carrying the wheelchair
I knew i was ready
Even with the arm that failed me, it actually helped me
Even with the hip that failed me, it actually helped me
But then what made me fail forever was my mind that made me go wrong
I continued to stare at my cuts
And i still continue to stare at my scars
The guilt, the foolishness, the regret;
My every regret has a place on each of my tears
I cannot get these images out of my head
These flashbacks have made me gone crazy
The night that left me broken;
Im still broken with invisible stitches

I forced the tears out to be spoiled
A little girl everyone was used to
It was only a fuss
It was only water with salt
And then i brought on a thousand headaches
Whining
Screaming
Yelling
I knew how to make mom and dad crazy
I didnt know;
I just knew how to get my way
Older;
A little distant now
The tears were made out of selfishness
Things became thrown
Doors were slamming
My way, or no way;
I knew how to yell
I knew how to scream
I knew how to silence everyone until i came home
The tears came out for nothing
A little weaker now
My eyes;
Wide open
I introduced a weapon
Now i learned how to really cry for something
Broken thoughts became tinier
And then the cuts turned into scars
I needed an escape
Sorrow had replaced happiness now
Not when i was a baby
Not when i was a little girl
Memories remain
Pictures remain
And my tears drown me with pain
I felt so alone
But i loved being alone
And then suddenly i knew what alone really meant;
So then i understood what crying was really about
I broken heart,
A broken soul
A dead heart,
A dead soul
A goodbye forever
A hello to my fears
As i wake from my nightmares,
I cannot see
My eyes are shut tight
And then i became scared to open up to see
I couldnt breathe
Drenched with sweat, i was going crazy
And then i felt the tears again
Now im out of control; i bleed
The harm i force on myself,
I just want myself to leave
As i release such hateful tears,
The mirror i stare into shatters my body and makes me broken
I learned how to bleed;
I learned another way to cry
The fears have taken over now
My mind became my enemy now
The past that was broken never got repaired
Now is when I memorized what crying is
As i close my eyes i think of what i have done, what i lost, and what i continue to do
Hyperventilation,
Anxiety,
Depression,
Moodswings,
Self-mutila­tion
The tears from my childhood didnt make me understand;
It made be spoiled and silenced
Now i understand,
Now i learned
I learned how to cry the hard way
For pain
For loss
For scars
For the past
For harm
For memories
For the blood i lost when i couldnt cry anymore

Emptiness pulled through my wounds
I bled everything i had out of my body
Inside, my bones are moving;
They wanna pull me down
I should just knock myself down
My heart is so weak
Because my mind took all the strength
Now im shaky;
As i walk, i feel like im gonna fall
And im already bleeding as i walk on broken glass
Glass that had been together; the glass that was me
Then i suddenly shattered when i couldnt take it anymore
The tears i release, i can only drown
Its enough to make me stop breathing
I cannot breathe when im gasping for air
I cannot find an opening
I tried so many times to escape;
I tried to escape my mind
But i will always be a prisoner; a danger to myself
This is forever
The bed holds my back is i choke up all my fears
I cant roll over,
I cant get up,
I cant undo my weakness to feel free
I feel like there are straps going across my chest; i cannot breathe
Im being held down
The person whos doing it is me
Theres pressure on top of my lungs; i continue not to breathe
Its heavy;
My body is so weak
My mind is so strong to put all its strength on top of me
My heart is being squished,
Now all my blood is escaping from its home
My face is being pushed down, i cannot see
I suddenly became blind and met the darkness;
Then left everything behind
An invisible strap,
Im underneath
I cant break free,
I cannot remember how to move
I cannot remember how to breathe
Im frozen, i cant get up
My temperature dropped
And my bones got covered in ice
A brain freeze i had,
But the then my mind burned and meted it away
Burning with anger, everything turned black
As i lay here,
Im still blind
Im hyperventilating and nothing can help me now
I lay here confused
I lay here in silence
I lay here angry
I lay here in tears
I squeeze my wrists
I twist & turn
I kick & scream
I punch & yell
I choke because of not breathing
Not breathing,
Hyperventilating
I cannot control what im feeling
But what would you do if something is holding you down?
And the only thing that can move,
Is the air & blood within my body

I chewed up my dreams
I choked on my fears
I swallowed my enemy
Now i shoot out tears
There is no air passing through my nose
No air passing through my mouth
No air passing through my throat
No air passing through my lungs
Everytime i breathe it hurts
It hurts to take a breath
It just feels like knives stabbing me
And a hand squeezing my chest
I feel like im a cave,
Closing in on myself
My walls are crushing me
Theres no room for me to yell
Its dark, i cannot see
I cant see where i am
Im claustrophobic inside
I cant find a spot to clear my head
My chest is heavy
My heart is broken
My body is shaky
My skin is wounded
My lungs got crushed
My bones are shattered
My veins had popped
My body is a disaster
I cant breathe
I have forgotten how to breathe
I stopped caring to breathe when i tried to stop myself from continuing
I cant breathe
Im trying to breathe
I started to open my lungs
I just wanna be un-weak
I can breathe now
But my breathing is a mess
Im breathing fast now
Im hyperventilating in distress
I still cannot breathe

I chased my dreams but i ended up running from my nightmares
I chased the light but i ended up hiding from the darkness
I chased courage but i ended up losing to my fears
I chased happiness but i ended up crying everyday
I chased peace but i ended up yelling & screaming
I chased the air but i ended up gasping for it to come back
I chased relaxation but i ended up with anxiety
I chased comfort but i ended up bleeding
I chased sober but i ended up drunk
I chased my heart but i ended up running from my mind;
So i should have chased help and now im broken inside