Im silenced from my mind
And im forced not to talk
I dont know what im thinking
I dont know what im supposed to do
My head is spinning so i fall
I fall and cant get up
Im so weak from being too strong
All my strength has disappeared
No more thoughts
No more voice
No more expressing how i really feel
I feel so trapped
When i try to think, my head starts to hurt
When i try to speak, my mouth becomes dry
When i try to see, my eyes get watery
When i try to listen, my ears start to ache
When i try to move, i become numb
I tried everything
I gained weakness when i lost all my strength
And when i try to exercise my mind, i hyperventilate and collapse
I have no more words because i wasted all my energy to show what i feel
My stories never got across
And when it did, i never cared to cure whats been hurting me
Unresponsive;
I force myself to be silent
If i talk, im screaming
If if i scream, im crying
If i cry, i hyperventilate
When i cant breathe, i just fall to the floor
I dont have the strength to pick myself back up
And when my legs are shaky, its so hard to walk the path i once got lost in
I have no more memory,
Of what i need to remember
And when i wanna forget,
It all comes shooting inside my head
I can never win
Because i always lose
It kills to learn how to think again
I wanna try to start over again
Im willing to try again
But i think that my mind wants it all to end
I try to wake up but dreams got lost
I try to forget but there is no block
I wanna remember but everything is on pause
I try to come back but my mind has no response

All around me is unknown
Nothing looks familiar
Nothing looks alive
And i dont see the mirrors that shows me into different paths
All i see is the one dark road that im forced to take
I walk through my fears,
Not knowing whats next
I have been through enough
I already failed the test
I dont wanna continue
I dont wanna fall
I dont wanna remember
I just want to forget it all
I stand frozen;
I cannot move
I stand still;
I cannot walk
I stand alone;
Im so lost
When will this nightmare be over
Finally i walk, im starting to move through this place
But as i walk, i wish i had turned back
The black roses pull me in
Their thorns pierce me as i start to bleed
This is where i lose all my weakness
The trees keep pushing me forward
And im being dragged by the bushes
Im so trapped; i just wanna leave this terror
Im hungry for strength, not the poison berries
Now i cannot breathe as i take in the dangerous fruit
My air is leaking,
My lungs are collapsing
As i try to cut it all out;
Its rebelling to come out of my system
Am i having a nightmare?
Or is this true?
Im hallucinating and cannot tell the difference;
Im so confused
There was never any sun
Inside this place, the sky is only the moon that it all comes out and fears me
The shadows of the monsters got me screaming for help
But deep inside the monsters are deep within myself

My heart beats fast & slow at the same time,
But i will never feel any emotion
I run & walk away at the same time,
But my fears will always be there
I dream & have nightmares at the same time,
But i will always be scared
Im distant & close at the same time,
But i will always be far
I laugh & cry at the same time,
But the depression will always be there
I talk & scream at the same time,
But the anger will not disappear
My eyes are open & closed at the same time,
But these images will never move
I feel & get numb at the same time,
But i will always be in pain
I ignore & listen at the same time,
But i wont ever give any answers
I hate & love at the same time,
But i will always remember
Im calm & nervous at the same time,
But my nerves will always b shot
I hyperventilate & breathe normal at the same time,
But i will always have anxiety
I remember & forget at the same time,
But my mind will always be blank
Its dark & light at the same time,
But i will always see one side
I respect & disrespect myself at the same time,
But i will always harm
Im normal & not normal at the same time,
But i will always be insane

Unknown feelings;
Only to explain through silence
And behind closed doors is how i can express everything all at once but noone is allowed to hear
I learned to live with guilt
I learned to live with pain
I learned to live with suffering
I learned to live with my own mental game
I learned to live with sorrow
I learned to live with fear
I learned to live with nightmares
I learned to accept what i see in the mirror
To feel what has been brought to me
My fears are slowly killing me
I can no longer fight for my heart;
As i try to protect myself
There is no more shield over my body
My mind was strong enough to break it and make it disappear
The shield that was for my own protection has broken a connection that is forever lost
Protection from myself;
I was actually not safe
I walked on broken glass
Broken glass that was from my body
And so i walked all over myself;
Just stepping on the innocence that was taken from my soul
The stranger that is here replaced the other person
A stranger once created,
I can no longer take over
Taking over me
Taking over my body
Taking over my soul
Taking over my heart
When the mind takes over completely
Thats when i fail
This is where i pause
This is where i break
This is where i fall
This is where i regret all my mistakes
This is when i realized
This is when i closed my eyes
This is when i heard the lies
This is when i always cry
When all the positivity took over the negativity,
My emotions got crushed,
And then my heart failed to light up
Darkness suddenly took over all the colours leaving black in front of my eyes
I cannot look out a window,
I wont see no light
I cannot look up to a light,
Ill go blind,
Im blind because i made myself
Not to see
I refuse to allow myself to see the good,
If i was so used to the bad
I fake a smile
I fake the laughter
I fake my happiness
Its all a show
So i dont explain
Its all i have to show my pain
Im weak,
Im giving out on myself
I cannot stand to take it anymore
I just wanna drop
On the ground is where i wanna be
Silent forever;
Forever i dont wanna be seen

Slowly with a touch,
The bed holds our bodies
Pressing hard against my mouth,
The strength of your lips push me down
Its dark and silent
Its already hot and heated
Our eyes lock,
And im not allowed to speak
As you undress me slowly,
My heart races happily
The excitement rises,
As we promise the night wont end
Wrapped with your hands,
My wrists are locked against the bed
My neck is shocked from your mouth as im gasping for air
******* the life outta me, i accept when you take control
Forcing your body against mine,
Your arms appear like a cage;
Making sure i dont move,
Making sure i dont escape
But i would never try to move in a spot so seductive
Phones silent
Door closed
Tv loud
The floor covered with clothes
As you take away all my worries and fears, my body relaxes
As you take away all my tension, my body becomes so weak
As my body becomes weak,
You become even more stronger
Your strength inside my body suddenly stabilizes me to the point where my arms squeeze you tight
And then i whisper inside your ear what my body wants more of..
An amazing disaster has our hormones going crazy
I feel the pleasure
And the beautiful pain
The bites from our lips to our skin,
The grip from your hands to my body;
Then your hand covers my mouth as your body raises my voice
The scratching from my nails to your back,
And then it gets so intense
There is no such word as stop

Its getting in my way
Its ruining me
It screws with me inside
The poison is slowly killing me
I forgot the stranger is my mind
Never felt so trapped
I just wanna keep screaming
But as i scream im laughing at myself
Because only i can save me
I cannot give in
My mind wont let me
Only im tamed from a drug that fights deep inside me
My heart is attacked
Im struggling to breathe
Its all starting again
Its all coming back again
I just wanna be free
Im trying to hide
But where ?
Im trying to run
But where?
The path i chose was dark
Im still trying to find the end
Its so hard to follow
I cannot escape my mind
Im still fighting
Im still struggling
When will this end?
My body is getting too used to being controlled
Now i dont know what else to try
Off and on my switch never fails
My heart is beating so fast
As my lungs pump so hard
The air is cold
Im struggling to breathe
My thoughts are still dark
My thoughts make me scream
Its so dark,
Even in the day
Its so dark,
Im begging the light to stay
And im so tempted to touch the weapon
The one that made me bleed
Im so tempted to feel the air again
The air that made me dizzy
The violence has started again
My strength is all from anger
My tears are starting to drown me again
I can no longer control my nightmares
Once again im scared of my fears
My fears are of my mind
Once again the mirror shows that im still not able to fight

If only my nightmares werent real
And i could have slept in peace
If only my breathing were normal
And i didnt have all this anxiety
If only my moods were stable
And that my tears would never escape
If only my anger wasnt bad and that i made myself filled with hate
If only i didnt ignore the people that i needed most
If only i wasnt distant and that i disappeared like a ghost
If only i had listened to the ones that i loved
If only i was smarter with the disaster that ive caused
If only the sorrow hadnt appeared into my life
If only i used my brain when i wanted to pick up a knife
If only i was able to help myself without so much force
If only i didnt hurt myself behind all the closed doors
If only i hadnt taken out all my anger onto family
If only i understood of why i became so crazy
If only things were different
If only things had changed
If only things didnt happen
If only things had been erased