If only my nightmares werent real
And i could have slept in peace
If only my breathing were normal
And i didnt have all this anxiety
If only my moods were stable
And that my tears would never escape
If only my anger wasnt bad and that i made myself filled with hate
If only i didnt ignore the people that i needed most
If only i wasnt distant and that i disappeared like a ghost
If only i had listened to the ones that i loved
If only i was smarter with the disaster that ive caused
If only the sorrow hadnt appeared into my life
If only i used my brain when i wanted to pick up a knife
If only i was able to help myself without so much force
If only i didnt hurt myself behind all the closed doors
If only i hadnt taken out all my anger onto family
If only i understood of why i became so crazy
If only things were different
If only things had changed
If only things didnt happen
If only things had been erased

I broke myself and got shattered;
To see where the pieces would land
As i kept my eyes opened,
I eventually went blind to everything
I couldnt stop the force,
From my mind to my hands
I hated everything & everyone
I just wanted to disappear
I couldnt control what i felt
But I controlled what i wanted to be
It wasnt right;
Its still not right
My mind still has a hold on me
Im still inside the cage that i once built inside my nightmares
Im still in between walls that i built with my eyes closed
I couldnt break the cage
I couldnt tear down the walls
But i could only put up mirrors to always see myself fall
And when i fell, i broke my bones
I broke the bones that made me run
Now i cannot even run away from my fears
I cannot run away from whats been undone
Struggling to breathe
Thats when i start choke
My hands try to uncover invisible ropes that cut off the air between my throat
Each thought,
I think of doing
Each fear,
I hope of disappearing
Each action
I try to fight
Each tear
That i cry every night
The pieces that got bent were struggling to stay together
The pieces that broke were all the positive ones
The pieces that got shattered were the ones that i kept dreaming
The pieces that fell down were the ones who were weak
The pieces that i found;
It was too late to put them back together;
And so inside these pieces were mirrors,
I saw myself completely broken

Face to face i spoke
Face to face i smiled
Face to face i shared all my secrets
Face to face i whispered
Face to face we slept
Face to face i trusted
When i spoke, i screamed;
I tried to fun from my fears
When i smiled, i pretended i was ok;
I cried behind closed doors and watched myself break
When i shared the secrets, i was actually sharing what to do;
I forced myself to harm; forced my mind to hurt my heart and bleed through my cuts
When i whispered, i was actually hyperventilating;
My anxiety striked me when i couldnt take no more
When i slept, i was experiencing nightmares
What happen to the dreams i once had?
I thought i knew, but i actually didnt
The person deep within was a stranger after all
Turned their back
Shut me out
Turned their face
Locked me out
Closed the lights;
And silenced me
Opened the door;
Pushed me out
Everything has turned and now im so confused
Living with the enemy is not easy
Sleeping with the enemy still chokes me
Looking at the enemy still makes me cry
Fighting the enemy, and then always losing
Being the enemy is basically my nightmare
Mind and heart separated
Heart and mind will never be reunited
So when i trusted, it was so wrong;
Yes it was so wrong to trust myself
I thought i knew who i was

Its just a hidden name
But it means the same
In try to change it
But i feel the same
I try to re name it
But it looks the same
I cant undo whats done
All the colours that were mine,
Has disappeared away from my mind
Im experiencing a deep, dark shadow
And my image is escaping;
I wanna run & hide
Im drowning
And only myself can save my mind
My tears are whats making me unbreathe
As i try to gasp for air, i feel my lungs being crushed some more
The razor hides because i abused it
Now i smash a mirror to remake it
And im walking with my eyes closed
Do i really wanna do this again?
I cannot hold myself back
I am my own enemy
I try to stop myself from harm
But i keep forcing mutilation upon my body
On the floor i fall; i bleed
On the floor im struggling to save me
Once again i cry
Once again i hyperventilate
Once again im angry
Once again i abuse
Once again im in pain
Once again i dont care

Inside my head im flying
But i fly to an unknown place
A place to cry
A place to mourn
A place for anger
A place to be depressed
A place to be hurt
A place to forget
As i land thats when it all hits me
And i try to push it all away,
But it all seems to be coming closer then ever
I try to reason;
To make a deal
But like always, i never win
Im stuck on this island forever
All around me seems to be unfamiliar
I came to a place to lose myself forever
When the white wings were born,
It was so pure
All the negativity suddenly changed its colour
If i try to pull these things off,
Will i be different;
Will i be how i used to be
So now i tear out these wings,
As i rip open my skin
Now im bleeding,
Now im in pain
But the pain is not within my body
Its in my mind,
Its in my soul
The blood just makes me dizzy as i continue to separate myself from it all
Im in pain because i want to
Now its even more
As i tear it all off,
It grows back for more
Im so stuck
Im stuck like this forever
I thought i accomplished what i needed
I really dont know how to fix it all
Disappear, or just deal with it all
I thought i would escape, but now i made it worse
How can i fly back?
I cant.
How can i start over?
I cant.
I appeared into a world that i created
A world not normal;
To be who i want
But now i wanna go back
Now i regret it all
And as i try to fly, it hurts
As i get up it weakens me
Theres no turning back,
Because i had chosen my path
This colour wont make me change to what im begging for
All alone;
Its cold
Its dark
Its silent
How do i go back home
Right now im so lost
Because the right path has been erased

I tried everything & everything to make it disappear
The more i fight, the more i lose
So i just gave up
I never needed help until i found out i was crazy
My inner self was rotten
My inner strength was broken
And my inner soul has died
When i was alive i felt so strong
Now that im slowing down, weakness has come to me
The rain washes my tears, but i started to drown
The door closed on the darkness,
But now im locked inside a cage
My eyes shut out the nightmares,
Now im unable to see
I ran from the terror,
And now i cant breathe
No matter what i do,
It all comes back to find a way to bury me
My back is always turned because im so scared to see what isnt supposed to be there
How do i fight it?
How do i make it disappear?
Replace my anxiety with invisible puffers;
So my fears have no way of breathing into my body
Replace my tears with an invisible dryer;
So my fears will dry up inside
Replace my nightmares with constant dreams;
So my fears will disappear in the night
Replace my body with a new kinda strength;
So my fears will run away and hide
Replace my mind with water
And if i drown myself will it all be over?

Its all coming at me
And i know im not ready
But i still need to accept what i dont deserve
Sometimes i try so hard
But most of the time i just give up
My body finally collapses as my fears drag me down
I dont wanna play this game anymore
Allow me to just accept i lost
I dont wanna get embarrassed anymore
Just allow me to admit it all
I just wanna undo it all
Erase what i have written;
And redo it all
How can i laugh,
If im starting to cry
How can i live,
If im trying to die
If i bleed,
I hope to not stop
If i sleep,
I hope to not wake up
My heart is pounding from all the anxiety
I hope it just stops.
I want my soul to leave me
My questions were never answered
And when i tried to answer myself,
The mirror would always laugh
I was so wrong
I wasnt right
I couldnt speak
But i spoke through the night
Inside my nightmares i would scream;
My dreams were fake
My dreams were never seen
And instead of being on my knees,
I begged on my stomach;
To force myself not to breathe
Make this end
Make it stop
I need air to breathe;
I need a future to see
I cannot chase whats already gone
But when i try to start over, im already done