So fragile
I dont want to move
Used to the point where im almost nothing
My mind is so tired
My body is so exhausted
One more step and ill fall
Im so shaky, im so dizzy
These thoughts that run through my head are adding stress
Im getting stretched
And soon im going to snap
Once im gone i wont come back
Pieces are slowly falling apart on me
Once i brake, im broken forever
No glue can make me whole again
No tape can attach what im losing in the end
Forced to undo myself, its hard to make myself stay
Weakness is stronger than strength
Im just fading away
My body is bending
My mind is twisting
My heart is stopping
Im going to stop breathing
My spirit wants to split
My soul is already ripping through my skin
My mind and body is slowly detaching themselves
And once im broken, im broken forever
Now im apart
Now im torn
Now im bleeding
Now im in separation from everything, everybody
The sharp air pierces my spirit
The sharp wind pierces my soul
The sharp negativity pierces my mind
The sharp knife pierces my skin
Now im in two pieces
One is gone forever

I thought i was so normal
Nothing bothered me
Nothing feared me
Nothing would come over me
I thought this would last forever
But the thoughts i had were all so fake..
The goodnight kisses that stopped
I wanted to stop caring
The conversations that ended
I wanted to stop listening
The calmness in the voice changed
I continuously gave attitude
The sweetness of the personality switched
I became angry
The warm house that held me
I never was home
The room that kept me
I kept slamming the door
The phone that kept ringing
I always hung up
The school that educated me
I kept failing
The knives that lay hidden inside the drawers
I took them, i used them, onto my arms
The money that was spent
I just through away
The help that was brought
I didnt want in the end
They noticed the change
And i denied it all
The nights i left without saying goodnight
The conversations always turned into fights
My voice kept getting louder and my nerves wouldnt stop shaking
My personality would confuse me because it was always changing
My door kept everyone out
So they left me alone and never bothered to shout
Hung up the phone after screaming and yelling
Friends always asking cathy why you snapping
Failing; didnt give a **** about walking the school halls
Everynight, no sleep
Everynight, i bleed
Everynight, drowned myself with alcohol
When i was asked what happen to my arms
I just said nothing
The questions were always ignored
Money came money went
Spending with anger and depression so everything was spent
The fear the anger, the worry, because they were trying to help
They only wanted to save me from myself
What was happening
I really didnt know
I hoped it would all end
I just wanted this negativity to go
I pushed so many people away
Most importantly my own family
Then they were scared to even look at me
I had never stopped and took the time to say sorry
Everything was at its worst
I made the person i wanted to be
I didnt know how i had hurt
I just wanted my mind to stop having contact with me
I made everyone give up
I made everyone scared
I made everyone not talk to me
The people that i loved just wanted to be there
My tears wouldnt stop
I didnt know why this was happening
So confused, i just left it alone
So confused, so i just let myself go
I wanted it to stop
I was so out of control
Why did i hurt people i loved
Why did i even hurt myself
I knew i was slowly fading away

Why was it created
Why did start
Why was it intended to destroy beautiful hearts
Why all the migraines
Why all the *****
Why all the dizziness
Something isnt right
Why all the confusion
Why all blurriness
Why all the signs
A need to start a fight
Why so many appointments
Why so many doctors
Why so many medications
Losing the mind
Why all the weakness
Why all the tension
Why all the frustrations
Barely holding on tight
Why so much pressure
Why so much stress
Why so much emotions
Why is the body trying to hide
Why the missing hair
Why all the weight loss
Why the spirit getting eaten up
Why is everyone starting to cry
Why all the pain
Why all the anger
Why all the suffering
Barely surviving life
Why did we lose
Why did the body pause
Why does this exist
Why do golden hearts stop

Do you know how it feels to say goodbye
Do know what it feels like to actually cry
Do you know how it feels when you cannot breathe
Do you know how hard it is to sleep
Do you know how to deal with a pain that wont go away
Do you know how to deal with someone who couldnt stay
Do you know how to deal with strength you need to quickly build
Do you know how to deal with the weakness that broke your shield
Do you know how to fight when the sickness shows you the truth
Do you know how to fight when anger wants to shoot
Do you know to fight when there is sadness in your eyes
Do you know how to fight when depression & sorrow make you cry
Do you know how hard it is to think and cry at once
Do you know how hard it is to breathe and hyperventilate for months
Do you know how hard it is to see nothing but memories and love
Do you know how hard it is to continue to feel that touch
Do u know what it feels like to kiss a cold beautiful face;
Whos asleep forever;
And you know she will no longer wake...

Uncontrollable disaster appeared inside my head
Physically, i was strong to one kind of abuse
Mentally, i was weak to different kinds of abuse
Emotionally my weakness continued for years
All the doors closed when my head turned the other way
The only door that remained opened was the mirror
But i shattered it so many times
That the pieces cut me like a knife
I kept bleeding inside myself
Then it poured out through my eyes
I kept bleeding outside myself
Then it poured right back inside
There were lonely nights that i made so dangerous
There were quiet nights that i hyperventilated
There were dark nights when i was fighting fear
There were lights on at night when i stayed up for days
There were days that i covered my arms
There were days that my throat was dry
There were days that i lost the fights
There were days that i was over tired
I wanted to give up
I wanted to end
I wanted to leave
I wanted to say goodbye to it all
The pain was so deep
I was pierced with so many swords
Inside my body i mentally died
Smiles were never thoughts
Laughing was just to hide
Anxiety was not a choice
Hyperventilation was uncontrollable
Anger was everyday
Crying was too hard to stop
Alcohol
Mutilation
***
Was the only happiness i knew
Drunk
Bleeding
Guys
Was the only way out
My worst nightmare i had was seeing myself alive
And the best dream i had was seeing myself dying
Slowly i ignored my family
Slowly i ignored my friends
Slowly i ignored myself
Suddenly i stopped listening to my family
Suddenly i stopped listening to my friends
Suddenly i stopped listening to myself
Sadly i turned cold towards my family
Sadly i turned cold towards my friends
Sadly i turned cold towards myself
Everyone tried to talk to me
And i pushed them away
Everyone tried to be nice
And i turned the other way
Everyone was scared to come near me
And i backed away
Everyone thought i was crazy
And i was
I finally disappeared
I drowned in my own tears
I tripped over my own feet
I choked on my own oxygen
I punched my own mirror
I disrespected my own heart
I bled from my own hands
I hurt my own self

It seems like your with us everyday
Because i still cannot accept that you are gone
Im missing you more and more each day
Every minute, every second
Im forever bruised
Because the memories still remain
Im forever torn
Because you were taken away
Im forever in pain
Because i know your never coming back
I love how family mistaken my name for yours
Its obvious im your little twin that everyone sees
I love talking about you
I love when people talk about you
The laughs, the smiles, the jokes we share
But deep down im hiding away all the pain
I close the doors
I close the lights
I shut everything out
And hug my pillow tight
My eyes are squeezing out the water
My lungs force out all the air
My heart skips numerous beats
My mind is everywhere
So much time spent remembering
So much time spent thinking
So much time spent hyperventilating
So much time spent crying
My love for you is so strong
Im still crying because i miss you
Im still angry because he took you
Im still learning why he took you
Im still trying to forgive

Its so hard to breathe when the mind is so occupied
Occupied with only bitterness
The heart has turned cold and squeezed the veins until they snapped
And then the blood pours out of the body
Hyperventilation replaced the calmness of the lungs
And now its harder to breathe
Trembling, shaking;
The heart is trying to keep up
Dizziness, nauseous;
The mind is trying to make it stop
Sweating, numbness;
The body is slowing down
The throat is closing itself,
Like a set of hands squeezing the neck
The lungs had given up,
Like they were crushed with a hammer
Strength has died
Weakness has arrived
There is no more air
There is no more pulse
Is everything on hold
Or is everything stopped forever