When i force everything to be quiet
I ignore & shut everything, everyone out
When everything around me suddenly disappears
My back is deep in the water;
I force myself to be invisible
When I want to struggle
I dont want to save myself anymore
Im going in deeper
When my breathing gets heavier
Im forcing the tension to come into my soul
When my heart pumps faster
Im forcing the weakness to come inside my body
My lungs are closed
I cannot scream anymore
My eyeballs are rolled back
I cannot see anymore
My eardrums are damaged
I cannot hear anymore
My bones are broken
I dont want to move anymore
When all the weight is on top of me
I force my strength to leave my body
And then i let myself go again

Rewinding these moments that went through my head before
Confused
Worried
Scared
Angry
Depressed
Losing the happiness that was supposed to be forever
Why is this so familiar
It feels so real
It looks so real
Please take away this pain forever
Wake me from this pain
Wake me from this nightmare
I don't want to feel it anymore
The darkness is deeper
My eyes grow tighter
My heart beats faster
My body grows weaker
And then I'm breathing heavy
Wake me from the silence
The noise is all in my head
Wake me from this noise
The silence is when my brain begins
This truth of darkness exists
But why won't it disappear
Lies of dreams taken away from nightmares
I just cannot sleep
Just wake me up
I never want to sleep again
I realize im awake
This is reality

When the pain started
I prayed the weakness would end
But every night i kept wondering if my words were getting ignored
Every morning was a test that God had to pass
To see if she was better
To see if her weakness had left
Each day i noticed the changes
Each day i noticed her eyes
Each day i noticed she couldnt handle no more
Each day i had tears in my eyes
& whenever suffering was brought to her
The suffering was brought to me
I felt so much anger
I felt so much sadness
I felt so much confusion
I felt so much guilt
My feelings grew so strong when I learned the truth
My feelings were mixed up because i didnt know what to do
I asked myself if i was the villain
Then I answered myself;
God is
My questions were unanswered
My prayers were ignored
My head was injected with lies
From God, doctors, and much more
The time went by so fast
But her breathing was so slow
Undoing the weakness within her heart
Her strength was forced to let go

Last look that was given
Last movement of the body
Last hearing from the ears
Last breath of the mouth
Last beat of the heart
The first time when our tears were real
The first time when our hearts were heavy
The first time when we couldnt talk
The first time when we couldnt hear
The first time when we couldnt feel
The first time when we couldnt understand
The first time we didnt want to accept
The first time we were forced
The time to cry
The time to scream
The time to be angry
The time to be sad
The time to try to understand
The time to try to accept
The time to be strong
The time to learn what goodbye to someone really means

It was in the past when I was so out of control
And now I have been introduced to something new
Now my body is so dependable to a drug that takes me away from the pain
It accepted a new soul that was buried deep inside
Into my body
I'm injected with happiness
All my depression and self-mutilation has disappeared
Into my body
I'm injected with relief
I have no more anger
Into my body
I'm injected with breath
Hyperventilation has disappeared
Into my body
I'm injected with relaxation
My heart is beating normal again
But when will I learn to do this all on my own?
Am I getting support for the rest of my life?
Can it get ****** out of my body?
Or will I lose myself again
And if I miss,
It's like my body is shutting down on me
Withdrawal takes its place
I cannot do this all on my own
I will never be able to push it away
I will never learn to control myself
Forever injected

Sickness is like a poison
That changes the body
That changes the mind
That changes the soul
The body can get weak
The mind can forget
The soul can disappear
Weakness can gain strength
Forgetting can gain memory
Disappearing can gain appearance
Strength
Memory
Appearance
Is all in the mind
The mind is strong
And so once the mind allows strength,
Once it allows memory
Once it allows appearance,
You are free
You are beautiful
You are amazing
Sickness is a word
It is the only poison in the this world
And it is given by the devil
And the devil wants people to suffer
But you have the power to defeat Gods enemy
And God gives you the power to work with him
And so you have the power to free yourself


Dedicated to my cousin Sam I love u so much
God will take care of u xo

Slowly walking into a room with fresh flowers
Beautiful colours
Beautiful creations
Beautiful scents
Deep breath
I close my eyes
Deep breath
And then I cry
The anxiety
The anger
The sadness
The sorrow
The memories
Walking where the flowers lead to her new bed
The sent gets stronger
I get weaker
But I need to get closer
I'm as close as ill ever be
Surrounded by flowers all around her & me
The beautiful creations weren't supposed to be the only ones alive
The beautiful creations were forced to make everyone cry
Stripping the happiness
Bruising the anger
Drowning the eyes
Poking the ears
Shattered the mouth
Breaking the nose
Now the scent will never make me forget
It's a memory
It's a flashback
It's a sorrow
That will never leave my head
As I smell a flower,
It burns
It hurts
I remember
Going back to that time
When those flowers scented the room
The memory of what happen
The memory of the last day
The memory of the room
When I had to say goodbye forever