Its still a nightmare;
& its still so difficult.
Im trying hard.
Im pushing myself.
Im telling myself,
Everyday that its true.
You're gone,
But never forgotten.
And I still think you're here sometimes.
Im still having a hard time accepting this pain.
It wont leave me.
I cant move on.
I cant trust myself without you here.
You were my strength,
And now Im weak without you.
Im feeling like you're trapped behind every picture I look at of you;
& your just unable to jump through the portraits.
Everytime I stare in the mirror,
I wish I was staring at you.
Everytime I go into your room,
I wish I saw you laying down.
The disappearance of your heartbeat,
Made my heart shatter to pieces.
My dreams of you feel so real.
I just wish I could never wake up.
Because when my eyes are open,
You're gone again.
Everytime I hear your name from others,
My body freezes.
And its everything;
Everything in this house,
Everything that I find,
Reminds me of you.
Puddles are everywhere from my tears.
Every tear,
Falls for everything about you;
Everything that reminds me of you.
Everything that was connected to you.
Is this actually happening?
Am I actually trying to live without you?
I just want you to be the one who wakes me up from this nightmare.
I feel like Ive been sleeping for 2 years,
& you havent come to my rescue yet.
& sometimes I try hard not to think about you,
Because it hurts too much.
& when Im so focused on thinking about you,
Its worse,
As I burst into tears.
I ask the same word everyday;
Everytime,
I think of you;
Why?
Why did this have to happen to you?
Why did you suffer all that pain?
& in the end,
You were taken away from all of us.
I cant do this anymore.
Its killing me inside.
I cant move on anymore,
I wanna hide.
I cant live without you here anymore,
Theres nothing left in life.
Why cant you come back to me?
& if not,
Why couldnt I come with you?
Its just so hard for me to accept this kinda pain;
That cut me so deep.
& Im still in so much shock.
& Im still crying.
& Im still grieving.
Its not going to get easier,
I dont care what anybody says.
I cant accept the fact that you're gone.
Im trying to tell myself,
But I cant.
Im trying to explain it to myself,
But I cant.
& by telling myself this,
Its like a slap in the face everyday.
Everyday becomes harder.
Everyday I become weaker.
Everyday I cry more.
Everyday I react differently.
Everyday I have to wake up having to deal with the truth.
I want you here,
& I cant be strong for this.
I love you.
I miss you.
I need you.

Do you know what it feels like when your screaming,
And noone can hear?
You want to get something out,
but you just cant.
& noone knows what its like,
To be limited.
Do you know what it feels like when your screaming,
And only you can hear?
Your trapped inside your own body,
& you dont know what to do,
What to think,
How to see,
How to breathe,
Or how to speak.
Your so closed inside a box;
Your body,
That your mind is telling you,
"Its soundproof."
& each corner throws you in the middle.
Embarrassment blocks you from appearing in front of people's eyes.
Fear & anxiety is what stops you from speaking whats on your mind.
Stops you from opening up your eyes.
Stops you from breathing.
Stops you from hearing.
Stops you from communicating.
& stops you from moving on.
Its so hard to breathe,
When everything is pushed in front of your face.
& when your able to finally breathe,
Your choking on oxygen.
When your afraid to talk,
Your being judged.
When your too late,
Everything closes in on you.
When you mind tricks you into thinking your brave;
Its time to speak,
Then your heart gets tortured & bleeds.
Your screaming,
But noone hears.
You wanna make sure they hear,
But you finally notice your unable to push yourself.
& your so mute;
So frozen.
Your strength leaves you.
Your energy leaves you.
Your power leaves you.
Your voice leaves you.
Your heart no longer responds to you;
Because it feels betrayed.
& your mind uses your insides to trap your voice forever.
You can never be heard.

Im bleeding,
Dripping alot.
Im crying,
It pours into a puddle made for me to drown in.
Its like my body was used to fight off whats going on in my head.
I dont know what to do any more.
The force from my head,
Pushes me to physically hurt myself.
& I keep asking my conscience,
Why Im being used.
The dark side of me is taking control;
Leaving my other side to suffer.
I look in the mirror to see nothing but a stranger.
My mind controls my body & soul.
& I have no choice but to listen & obey.
& its when I dont know what to do.
Is it right?
or is it wrong?
Am I stupid?
Because I dont know who I am anymore.
My actions are speaking louder,
Because my mind wont give up.
Why cant I finally let go?
Let go of all this negativity I have built inside me;
That was brought through my head.
Inside my head,
I take the anger all upon myself.
Inside my head,
I take the sadness upon myself.
In my head,
I take the fear upon myself.
And in my head,
I physically take advantage of myself.
It pushes me.
It tricks me.
It allows me to hurt myself;
Physically.
My mentality is what Im forced to follow.

Noisily silent,
While Im quietly loud.
I try to breathe,
While I hold my breath.
Im try to laugh,
While Im crying.
Im trying to speak,
While Im mute.
Im trying to hear,
While Im deaf.
Im trying to see,
While my eyes are shut.
As Im sitting,
Im trying to run.
As my arms are tied,
Im trying to reach out.
As Im on the floor,
Im trying to get up.
I put my sunglasses on when the night has arrived.
The sun comes out,
And I open the umbrella.
So when it rains,
I have no protection;
& its so easy to hide my tears,
As it pours.
When I stare at the water,
I feel like im drowning & panicking.
And In the water,
I seem to think Im flying;
So when Im in the sky,
I try to swim.
When the phone rings,
I refuse to answer.
& when I want to call,
There is no dial tone.
I try to go through the door when its closed;
As it opens,
I back away.
When the music is on,
I hear static.
It plays in my head when the radio is off.
I ignore,
When someone talks to me.
When I finally wanna talk,
They turn their backs.
When I stare at the blades,
My eyes are burning as they are pierced.
When the knife is in use,
Im feeling nothing.
My eyes see,
Im actually hearing.
My ears hear,
Im actually feeling.
My hands feel,
Im actually breathing.
My body moves,
But its all in my head.

My happiness was a like a fever,
The drugs brought it down.
& the drugs represent the problems that revolved around me.
And there wasnt even a beginning.
So lost;
Unable to reveal where it started.
& Ive been bleeding from day one.
Everything just turned so dark.
I dont even know how to see anymore.
Because happiness is hidden,
& I fear it is lost forever.
Im so trapped inside myself,
That I lost the key to my spirits.
So I locked myself away forever.
The red rose turned black.
The blue sky turned grey.
The green grass turned brown.
And there is no more sun.
I just cant change emotions.
The frown is what Im used to.
And my tears is what I keep drowning in.
Im so torn.
Im so confused.
Im so lost.
Im so tired inside my head.
I wanna undo this pain forever,
But I dont know how.
I wanna heal these wounds,
But they wont close.
I wanna stop these tears,
But they keep falling.
There is nothing to stop this pain.
There is nothing to stop my tears.
There is nothing to stop my mind from bringing me down.
There is nothing to stop this emotion from continuing.
My mind,
Is driving me insane.
I wanna escape this misery.
There is no meaning in my life.
God just let me go.

The anger started; & grew fast.
I was going completely crazy.
Depression wouldnt leave me.
& the river of my tears had pushed me out of the house.
Just needed an escape.
& needed to get away.
Just couldnt think anymore of the sickness that has been brought to her;
The hospital which held her.
Told to stay home,
But I didnt want to listen.
I just wanted to stop thinking.
I just needed the pain to leave me.
Left without a word.
Daddy had no control.
The wind quickly pulled me inside,
To drive away from it all.
The restaurant full of happiness,
I was still filled with sadness.
I was still hurting.
I was still bleeding.
I was still thinking.
& then it was over.
The houses invited everyone back in.
But my head forced me to stay out.
I took off, speeding.
The music was blasted;
Crying inside while I took the wheel again.
My silence never died.
It only became stronger.
I knew I couldnt be where I was,
But I just needed to forget what was going on.
Darker & colder;
Time flew by.
Quieter, & lonlier;
5am arrived.
Finally my energy died.
Finally my silence died.
Finally thats where I had lost control.
It became darker when I shut my eyes.
Then I became so careless.
I became invisibly drunk.
The next lane reached for me;
& ****** me in.
It became so silent.
Then became so noisy.
Coulnt think.
Couldnt breathe.
Just couldnt wake up from the nightmare.
Waken;
I was screaming at the top of my lungs.
Still so dark;
I didnt know where I was.
I felt no pain,
Because the sudden shock took over.
I felt so helpless.
I felt so destroyed.
I felt so broken.
& I was actually broken.
Still screaming,
The rescue took forever.
It was the sound of his voice that had tried to calm me down.
& then finally,
I was free;
With the broken vehicle;
That had finally let me go.
I thought immediately that I was going to die.
I felt the cold air,
Just peeling at my skin.
& I was so confused.
The bed held me up;
As I woke up from the tragic event.
Couldnt move;
And I thought I stopped breathing.
I had only my eyes & my ears to guide me.
When the spoke,
I felt so helpless.
I wanted to scream,
But couldnt.
I wanted to talk,
But couldnt.
I wanted to explain,
But couldnt.
Felt so claustrophobic,
With me being crowded.
Felt so heavy,
With the damage trying to heal itself from my body.
I didnt even know how to act anymore.
My memory suddenly failed on me.
& my mentality was so out of control.
Still thought it was a nightmare,
But I actually felt all the pain.
Mentally & physically.
My strength was put into a deep sleep.
& weakness grew stronger on me.
& with a big happening,
I felt so small.
I felt so weird everyday being there.
So many thoughts kept racing through my head.
Slowly;
But so impatient,
My strength waked itself from my body.
& I pushed myself;
Pushed myself to the limit.
Pushed myself too far,
To just get home quicker.
I faked at times.
I just wanted to go home.
& then it was that one day I couldnt stop the smile,
From hurting my cheeks.
It was when she showed her strength in front of my face.
& all her weakness died,
When she put everything aside,
To be so strong for me.
I thought she was angry,
But only the sound of her voice spoke so strong; so happy.
& I didnt even make an effort to ask about the pain within her.
I only saw it in her eyes;
That she was hurting deep inside.
& she was trying so hard to be so strong.
& when she left me each day,
My tears drowned me again.
Another wound on my body that was made.
Waited so impatiently,
I was so angry.
So frustrated.
So depressed.
The more I faked,
The more faster I thought I would leave.
And at the same time,
I pushed myself.
& forced my strength to come back again.
& in my mind,
I was thinking stronger;
To push even harder.
My strength had finally came.
My weakness had finally disappeared.
Back to normal once my body stepped foot into my door.
I felt strong again.
I moved again.
I breathed again.
Physically strong,
But now Im mentally weak.
Its over,
But the memories haunt me.
Memories of everything,
Everyone,
& myself.
No forgiveness is necessary towards myself; just hate..
To damage,
To cause a disaster.
& to cause such pain.
So inside,
Im still in pain.
Still thinking.
Still feeling the same emotions.
Im ok now,
But scarred for life.
Nothing will be invisible.
Im actually not ok.

Mentally Im in pain.
Mentally I suffer.
Mentally Im numb.
Physically Im abusing myself.
Mentally Im killing myself.
Emotionally I turn my back on myself.
I have tried to escape my fears.
I have tried to escape the person within me,
To find myself again.
Nothing;
Ive disappeared.
Its like in invisible,
But my body is still here.
Over & over,
Ive been tortured.
Over & over,
My mind has been playing games with me.
Over & over,
Ive lost trust within myself.
Now Im so ruined.
Now Im so destroyed.
So destroyed,
My mind lost control completely.
So destroyed,
My body lost all its strength.
So destroyed,
Ive lost myself completely.
Everyday I get weaker.
Because everyday the pain gets stronger.
& finally everything has drained me.
I lost myself,
& I dont know where to go,
To look for my spirits.
Im completely gone.
Im completely invisible.
Im completely ruined.
Im completely destroyed.