Mentally Im in pain.
Mentally I suffer.
Mentally Im numb.
Physically Im abusing myself.
Mentally Im killing myself.
Emotionally I turn my back on myself.
I have tried to escape my fears.
I have tried to escape the person within me,
To find myself again.
Nothing;
Ive disappeared.
Its like in invisible,
But my body is still here.
Over & over,
Ive been tortured.
Over & over,
My mind has been playing games with me.
Over & over,
Ive lost trust within myself.
Now Im so ruined.
Now Im so destroyed.
So destroyed,
My mind lost control completely.
So destroyed,
My body lost all its strength.
So destroyed,
Ive lost myself completely.
Everyday I get weaker.
Because everyday the pain gets stronger.
& finally everything has drained me.
I lost myself,
& I dont know where to go,
To look for my spirits.
Im completely gone.
Im completely invisible.
Im completely ruined.
Im completely destroyed.

Everything in life was a lie.
Everything in life was a nightmare that wont end.
Everything in life was meant to be games.
And I was meant to go crazy.
Im unable to focus anymore.
And suddenly,
Im lost.
Suddenly,
Im missing.
I tried to end the pain,
But it got the best of me.
I was fooled,
& I got trapped inside a cage thats impossible to escape.
& my head is bleeding;
Eternal & external.
I fall & drown into my own puddle of blood.
As I keep bleeding,
It turns into a river;
A river that carries me away forever.
In my head I think its too late.
In my head I think there is no escape.
In my head I think I will never be the same again.
& its too strong.
It cant just be taken away.
Each day it adds on.
So every tear tells a story.
Every story reveals the truth.
All the truth are wounds that will never be healed.
Im left to feel pain forever.

Piano

Just take it slow.
Lightly press my keys.
My voice isnt powerful until this song is near the end.
Its a *** piece that you have to create
Undress me;
The cover is my clothing you rip off from my body.
Start playing me; Start releasing sounds from my mouth.
I want you to play me from top to bottom.
I want my silence to turn to sounds.
& then my moans will reach the top of my lungs when you continue to play.
Play me with your tongue,
Play me with your hands.
I want the sweat to rise above me;
Acting like notes in the air,
As you perform this piece of music.
My body is your instrument;
Play me soft.
Play me rough.
Play me hard.
Your hands control me.
Your body puts pressure on me.
Your ears control how loud you want me to go.
Control me in different ways.
Control me in different speeds.
Control me with different sounds.
My legs arent able to move.
My body isnt able to move.
Maestro in a naked suit;
Your my composer.
Your my conductor.
Your my teacher.
But we are each other’s entertainer.
But I have nowhere to go
Only in your hands,
I will stay.
Only in your hands,
I will obey.
Only in your hands,
You shall play.
Each key has a word.
Each word has a meaning.
Each meaning will be the performance I want you to play.
So read what I put in front of you
Read the Kamasutra
Read the notes all over me
I want you to play them on my body
So in between the keys of A to G,
I want you to F me.

The first set of cuts has hit me fast.
It started to poke a hole,
But hasnt gone through yet.
The tears went slowly down my face.
The second set of cuts got me struggling.
The hole is a quarter through.
Shaking.
Nervousness.
The tears added speed down my face.
The third set of cuts pierced everything farther;
& made everything even worse.
I thought it was a nightmare.
The hole is half way through.
Ruined,
But alive;
Im ok now,
But scarred for life.
The tears paced down my face.
Now I was cut really deep.
It isnt true when they say that the first cut is always the deepest.
Because this last cut is the deepest.
It has touched a vain so deep;
That hole that was started,
has pierced all the way through.
The tears poured,
& poured nonstop;
Down my face.
Each episode drives me to cry harder & harder every single time something happens.
These mental cuts cannot me controlled.
I feel as if a knife had cut me into pieces;
& the burning sensation left me so confused.
& my room is the hospital;
I make myself poor blood from my body.
I am my own surgeon;
But Im unable to heal these wounds.
& because its so difficult;
Everyday I cry,
Everyday I scream,
Everyday I bleed.
Mentally,
Emotionally,
Physically,
I bleed.
Every single wound,
Will never heal.
Im cut forever.

Decisions of everyones thinking;
The sounds of they're voices.
So sick.
So tired.
I dont wanna hear it anymore.
And Im being controlled by everything;
Everyone.
My mind is so confused.
My heart cant give me a response.
& my breathing is releasing itself from my body.
Im breathing,
But not on my own.
Im hyperventilating,
And they're making it faster.
Ive stopped breathing,
So they've suffocated me.
Im struggling so much.
I dont know what to believe.
I dont know who to trust.
I lost control of it.
I hear so much *******.
But when I want the truth,
Theres so much static for me to understand.
So controlled,
I feel so trapped.
So naive,
I feel mislead.
So claustrophobic,
Im being forced to breathe in different ways.
Fast to the point I cannot catch my breathe.
Slow to the point that the air has stopped.
My heart,
My head,
Is so confused.
My head,
Is no longer in charge of me.
That master is dead.
So everyone has taken over.
Im in knots.
Im being fooled.
Im being lied to.
& Im going crazy.
The drama they cause,
Plays with my body.
Its an overreaction I cannot control.
Its the breathing I lost control of.
So the air comes through when they have me in the spot.
They're voices hurt my ears.
They're breathing overpowers mine.
They know how to control me.
So confused,
I gave up.
Everything can just finally destroy me.
Because inside Im mentally dead.
Im in the middle of it all,
So I just wanna break & fall.
Inside Im already broken.
The whispering,
The talking,
The staring,
First anxiety.
The lies,
The cheating,
The games,
Second anxiety.
The yelling,
The fighting,
The issues,
Third anxiety.
The anger,
The depression,
The confusion,
Its never gonna stop.
I know they have the power to control my air.

My heart suddenly stopped.
In so much shock;
I can barely move.
I cant stop daydreaming;
& Im trying to think about what had just happened.
Its like there is a lock inside my chest;
Attached to my lungs,
And the key to unlock my airway has disappeared.
My body has been collapsed;
I suddenly fell to the ground.
An anxiety attack;
Crying.
Im being controlled.
Scared,
Confused.
I dont know what I should do.
Choking;
Trying to remember how to breathe,
Im getting so nervous.
Im getting so frustrated.
The messages that Im trying to send,
Just arent passing through.
A wall tears me & everything else apart.
And its like a knife stabbed me in the throat;
Just blocking my strength,
To try to breathe.
Im pushing hard,
But my mind is locking me away.
I have no more strength,
I have no more power,
I have no more energy;
To breathe.
Mentally I have stopped breathing.
Emotionally my heart has stopped.
Physically I have no control.

My heart is beating normally.
My breathing is so steady.
Until I wait;
Wait for you to ruin me.
You've already ***** me with your eyes.
I felt the blades piercing through my body.
Now I want to feel that pain with your hands.
I want to feel that the closer you walk,
The more excited I get.
The closer you walk,
The speed of my heart;
The speed of my breathing,
Gets faster.
Mentally,
Im ******* you.
Physically,
I want to copy the movie thats playing in my head.
The more I stare,
The more I want.
The more I want,
The more dehydrated I get.
& my body needs yours to quench mine.
My body needs yours to enter mine.
& my body needs yours to calm mine.
Excitement is striking even more;
My breathing is starting to get heavy.
& I need your lips as a puffer;
I have an invisible asthma, and its getting worse.
I need you to breathe into me;
Fill my lungs with your air & strength.
All these naughty thoughts going through my head is just strangling me.
& Im strangled by your ****** presence.
Its causing me to find my breath and catch it.
Causing me to find my pulse and relax it.
& then there you were;
Right in front of me.
No more invisible wall.
No more waiting.
I was getting so impatient.
& then we **** the lights.
& then we **** the clothes.
Entering me finally,
The look in your eyes were asking me to breathe harshly.
& then your energy took over my body.
Your ears just wanted to hear,
Your eyes just wanted to see,
How crazy you can get me.
Then finally,
All your power,
All your strength.
All my power,
All my strength.
I wanted more & more each time.
Gasping for air,
There were no words.
Gasping for air,
I couldnt even speak.
The air through my lungs,
Turned my body into a tornado that you've created.
& so Im spinning with unstoppable pleasure.
You've released your energy onto me.
I've released my excitement onto you.
Im beginning to choke.
The air through my chest,
The pounding of my heart;
I blame you.
I have forgotten how to breathe.
I have forgotten how to scream.
The pleasure that Im feeling cannot be described.
Faster,
Harder,
Deeper;
My breathing is speeding up.
Stronger,
Crazier,
Driven,
I cannot catch my breath.
Hotter,
Sweatier,
Harsher,
Im finally hyperventilating.