Im still feeling the pain.
Im still feeling the sorrow.
Im still heart broken.
Im still in shock.
Im still crying.
And Im still grieving.
I just cant get over it.
& when I think of you,
I cry even more.
I cry even harder.
I cry even louder.
I thought I could control myself,
But my emotions keep controlling me.
& Im still falling on the floor;
Inside my tears,
Drowning;
Unable to breathe.
My heart keeps pumping faster,
Because its racing to find the other piece thats missing.
& I have not adjusted myself.
Im still broken.
All the pieces will never be found & put back together.
When you died,
A part of me died;
& the other part is still suffering.
I still go through your pictures,
& pass by your room with sadness.
& Im still crying every single night.
I dont think I will ever get over it.
Losing you,
Made me lose myself completely;
& Ive died inside my body.
Losing you,
Made me go even more crazy.
I thought this whole year was a nightmare that wouldnt end;
Then I realized your never coming back.
& when you passed,
A huge wound opened up inside me;
Outside me;
& is still open,
& is still bleeding.
Im still learning how to breathe once again.
I suddenly stopped,
When your breathing stopped.
My heart is still pounding fast,
Because its trying to catch up from the day it ended;
With yours.
Im trying to cope with you not being here.
Im trying to pretend your on a long vacation,
For a long while.
Im trying to block out all the negativity.
Im trying to focus.
Im trying to hide my depression.
Im trying to find happiness again.
Im trying to live the way I used to live.
But the key word is,
I cant.
Its a year today since you've been gone,
The first anniversary since you passed.
& Im still feeling that you've died just recently.
So many flashbacks today.
So many breakdowns today.
I just cant get a smile on my face.
I just cant stop the tears.
I will never get over it.
I will never stop crying.
I will never stop grieving.
I will always remember you.
I will always love you.
R.I.P Mom

I have asked for silence,
Not to go deaf or unable to speak.
I have asked for everything to be gone,
Not to go blind.
I have asked to breathe calmly,
Not to completely stop breathing.
I have asked to relieved,
Not to go weak.
I have asked to forget things,
Not to have amnesia.
I have asked to dim the lights,
Not to be trapped in the darkness.
I have asked to stop the nightmares,
Not to stop sleeping.
I have asked to stop crying,
Not to stop all emotions.
I have asked to cool down,
Not to freeze.
I have asked to be warm,
Not to boil with heat.
I have asked to be patient,
Not to wait forever.
I have asked to stop all the problems,
Not to stop everything.
I have asked to turn away from the mirror,
Not for it to break me.
I have asked that things go back to normal,
Not for everything to appear as something worse.
I have asked to change myself,
Not to be changed into a stranger I dont even know.

To walk away from.
To turn my back on.
To ignore all.
I wanna leave everything,
& I want everything to leave me.
I wanna just walk out on everything.
To forget the past.
To forget what's going on.
& not think about the future.
I just want the wind to blow away all the problems,
All the fears,
All the mistakes,
& all the regrets.
I wanna close my eyes,
& end up in another world.
I cant handle patience.
I want everything to be over now,
& allow everything to escape.
I just feel the need to get away from the issues.
Im unable to solve everything.
Ive lost interest in trying to make things better.
Ive lost interest to put things back in place.
& being broken,
I wouldnt know where to start.
Im trying to focus.
Im trying to think.
But I cant.
Ive turned the light off in my head,
So I dont see anything.
The darkness hides what I dont wanna deal with.
I need to take myself away from here.
I need to leave.
I need to go far;
Far away to escape everything.
To lose myself;
To lose everything,
To forget everything.

I just feel like my mind was shut down,
Heart was stopped,
Breathing has slowed down,
Muscles have gone relaxed,
& my body has just weakened all together.
The tears from my eyes,
Break the happiness within me;
When suddenly I just fall to the ground with anxiety.
My breathing is at the speed of my heart,
Witch is going too fast.
My strength leaves me,
& I dont know what to do.
Laying on the floor helpless;
Noone can hear my cries.
Laying on the floor bleeding inside and out;
Noone notices in my head Im about to die.
& when I try to walk,
My legs suddenly fail on me.
& when I try to crawl,
My arms wont give me any power.
Im on my stomach with my face to the floor.
Im screaming,
Im yelling,
Im crying out loud.
The mirror is my only witness;
& my soul is the only one that feels my pain.
My spirits try to take away all evil Im trying to let go of.
& I continue to lay;
Hoping My body breaks the silence,
As it regains its strength once again.
It was a sudden move.
When I get striked once,
It feels like im being striked a thousand times.
& its when you cant handle everything all at once.
Like a surprise;
You just shock yourself.
& I shock myself nonstop.

I dont have time to catch my breath;
& its catching up to me.
My body has broken down;
With my head on the floor.
I kicked it so far that Im so lost.
So my pieces have fallen;
But they are too sharp to put back together.
My heart was stabbed.
My head was completely torn from my body.
& so I walk with strings attached to my soul.
Ive gone so numb.
Ive gone so mute.
Ive been suffocated.
The water that drowns me,
Are the tears I want to take back into my body.
If I continue to stop the air ,
The air will continue to stop forcing itself through my body.
I just want everything to end.
I want myself to end.
Hide my face,
To hide myself.
Numb the pain,
To numb myself.
Cut out blood,
To cut myself.
Break the mirror,
To break myself.
Strangle my throat,
To strangle myself.
Cut off the air,
To cut off myself.
Im losing all air,
So I breathe no more.

Everything is sealed inside me.
Everything is trapped inside me.
My head is being played with;
& Im getting mentally exhausted.
Feeling claustrophobic;
& closed up inside.
All the positivity escapes through my mouth as I choke.
While the negativity is held back;
Locked inside my body.
My body temperature is rising;
& I feel like Im going to explode.
I drown myself when Im watered down;
As Im burning like a fire;
But either way Im still destroying myself.
And its like everywhere I turn,
Im completely trapped.
I just need an escape.
I just need to drop all the problems to the ground.
I just need to forget everything.
My head is pounding.
My heart is racing.
My tears are falling.
I cant control myself.
Im getting so frustrated inside.
Im getting so nervous inside.
I wanna just tear my heart outta my chest;
& smash it on the floor.
Because I know Im not strong;
So then it will break.
Just like I break myself.
So I need to undo everything;
I need to let everything free.
For the time being,
For the moment.
I cant help it;
Because I cant take it anymore.
I need to open myself,
& let everything out.
Everything being lodged inside me,
Is making it difficult for me to breathe.
I need air.
I need space.
I need to lose myself.
I need to allow my skin to hemorrhage.
I need to allow my blood to carry out everything out of my body.
I wanna be left dizzy.
I wanna be left unstable.
I wanna be left trying to fight the problems away.
So with a knife;
Leave me on my own.
Leave me weak without strength.
Theres no other way.

So happy all of us together;
Because you were around.
You looked so beautiful;
& so happy to be with us once again.
I was happy that you came back.
All of us,
So surprised;
But it felt so real.
Felt so normal.
So comforting to be with you.
The conversations where we left off last,
& The stories we spoke of.
Your company made us all stay together.
Made us all reunite again.
Fun & games;
All the girls in one room;
Laughing about everyday life.
And then it happened once again;
You had to go.
Questions were asked.
So you told us you needed to leave forever once again.
To go back up to heaven;
& then we all suddenly drowned in our own tears.
After you came back,
I really thought you were back forever;
& never leaving us again.
So you went around to everyone of us;
Said your goodbyes.
I broke down in tears;
Told you not to go again.
But you said you had to go.
My tears suddenly washed away all my happiness;
And then you tears started to fall.
And you never drowned like we did;
But it all ended;
& you were gone.
I woke up so depressed.
I woke up so confused.
I woke up crying;
& then I balled my eyes out.
I felt like i was in another world.
A beautiful dream with you back;
With a sorrowful ending with you disappearing once again.
My head is still pounding;
I just stayed up all night feeling different.
I just felt like I suddenly got worse.
Now everything is going to get worse.
This dream really ****** me up;
& Im still crying.
Im traumatized once again.