A dark cloud appears above my head.
The light has disappeared before my eyes.
& Im left in the darkness;
Nowhere to run,
Nowhere to hide.
All Im hearing is thunder;
It starts to call my name.
The lightning blinds me suddenly as I try to escape.
Im so lost;
& dont know what to do.
Im so confused;
& dont know how to respond.
Im so scared;
& dont know how to behave.
Dark clouds keep coming my way.
Thunder tries to turn me deaf.
Lightning tries to blind me.
I dont wanna be followed anymore.
I dont wanna be chased anymore.
I dont wanna be seen anymore.
& then it starts pouring;
The water drowns me slowly;
Because the force is too strong.
& I cannot keep myself up.
The blue happy sky felt all my pain;
& so it turned its happiness into depression,
Black & dark;
As it cries & tries to water all the problems away.

Everything is just building up inside me.
Everything is getting trapped in my head.
Nothing can escape me;
& Im unable to breathe.
Everything is up to my throat;
So I have no more room to take anything else in.
I keep myself closed in;
& so I keep everything inside.
Too much is being thrown at me;
& I cannot defend myself.
So Im bruised all over.
My wounds stay with me forever;
Because my scars will never fade.
& my heart will never be the same again.
Im just broken up inside;
& each piece has a problem attached to it.
I just want to put myself together again;
& let problems slide completely off my body;
& shatter to pieces;
Like I did on the floor.
I have no time to think.
I have no time to breathe;
When all the weight is on my shoulders.
Its like Im carrying the world.
My strength cant hold me up anymore;
Because everything has just pushed me down;
& now its too late to help myself up.
& If im lucky, an elevator will bring me back up to the level I started at.

Ive delt with enough ****,
Because I kept myself standing.
Ive heard all the negativity,
Because I kept my ears unblocked.
Ive witnessed what I didnt wanna see,
Because I held my eyes open.
Ive been verbally abused,
Because I didnt want to defend.
I gave my strength to other people,
Because I saw their pain.
Ive showed happiness,
Because my other emotions were still unborn inside me.
Ive held my tears back,
Because I thought I was brave.
I pretended to be smart,
Because I didnt want to show that I was so confused.
I was so quiet that my problems were  never shared with people,
Because I thought I could have helped myself.
I started to become hyper;
I started to become angry;
I started to become depressed;
I started to become anxious;
I started to become scared;
I started to become miserable,
I started to become forgetful,
I started to become nervous,
I started to change everything into a person I didnt recognize anymore.
And in the mirror I try to find that girl I used to be;
But I know she has disappeared.
..So now I lay like a piece of glass;
Broken & shattered on the floor.

Force myself to reach it;
I just need to push up the blade while my tears run down my face.
Like Im in a rush,
Im craving it badly.
My heart pumps faster,
& I hyperventilate.
My anxiety is what suddenly strikes as Im on the floor, crying; freaking.
My strength suddenly turns to weakness as I finally pierce myself.
The racing thoughts slowly die down.
Its like I need air, so I finally stepped outside.
Im finally calm as my nerves recover.
Pleasured by dizziness.
Pleasured by relaxation.
& to see that Im bleeding;
I know its working;
And my mind tells me not to stop;
So im unable to stop.

Painted with a smile;
My frown is whats permanent.
Painted with strength;
My weakness is whats permanent.
Painted with happiness;
My depression is whats permanent.
Painted with beauty;
My ugliness is whats permanent.
Painted with sober;
Drunkenness is whats permanent.
Painted with stability;
My dizziness is whats permanent.
Painted with relaxation;
Nervousness is whats permanent.
Painted with ease;
Stress & anxiety is whats permanent.
Painted with a map in my hands;
Confusion is whats permanent.
Painted myself all over again;
But how I look,
How I act,
How I express myself;
Is whats permanent.

I dont wanna tell myself anymore;
Because I dont wanna believe it.
I feel as though Im having a nightmare;
& Im unable to wake up.
I try to tell myself that I will see you one day.
But its so hard to know that you are not ever coming back.
I cannot stay positive;
Because Im just lying to myself.
& when Im negative,
I make myself worse.
I cry every night.
I think every second.
I **** myself everyday to make up for those times that you suffered.
& things wont ever be the same again;
Because you were the other half of me,
& now Im completely broken.
The long vacation your on,
Means your never coming back.
I wish I could have came with you mom.

Too much to think,
My mind has been clogged.
Too much to hear,
My eardrums have stopped receiving sound.
Too much to see,
My eyes have been forced to stay closed.
Too much to breathe;
Too much to speak,
My throat has been tighten so no air can pass through;
& so too much of everything,
The air has stopped my body completely.
..Too much of everything,
I have given up.